Trying to figure out what is missing?

Over the weekend I spent an entire day cleaning out the craft room/what use to be Grandma Bullard's sewing room so I found alot of great finds as far as buttons,etc from her stuff. But, I also found all the paperwork,or evidence of the X craziness. Along with that I found piles of pictures the one's including him I could care less about it was the pictures of my old friends and old neighborhood that stung the most. The next day we had a baby blessing of my newest Great Niece (Mike & Mel's) #3 Grace Elizabeth she is so beautiful and yes I will admit I have been extremely baby hungry the past few months, but that is not even an option so I have to suck it up and deal with it but, it is fun that I get to hold newborn babies and play with all my little "Greats" I can't believe there are 5 of them already? Anyways on our way home from Provo Mason asked if we could drive past our old house in Lehi, He wanted to show it to Laken really bad, he had seen some of the pictures with me the previous day. As we drove through the neighborhood, Church was just getting out and Mason screams there is Michelle turn around lets go see them. I don't know why but, I said No I just couldn't do it? I have wracked my brain as to why I would not want to stop and see her and her family? And all I can come up with is that I didn't just loose a psycho husband I ended up losing a best friend, I lost my lifestyle, and I guess I felt like her family had already put up with so much drama from helping me get through those years of hell I guess I feel like I was doing them a favor by completely staying away from them so they too had no reminders of those horrific times? In the meantime I don't miss being married I just miss my old life I miss hanging out in a neighborhood of young families where the mom's would sit and visit and the kids all loved to play with each other. I miss seeing the smile and laughter on my kids faces as they raced around on their power wheel jeeps together. I wish somebody before he made the choices he made would have thought of all the things that he took away from his kids. :(