Coming Out

I just "came out" to some of my friends last February. It was the campaign season and one of my gay friends out of the blue asked me, in front of our other friends, whether I was straight. With a slight hesitation, "No. I know you've always known, you just needed the confirmation," I said. But it was not the case for a few, one of my closest friends was surprised, she and I were tagged as an item in the past. Few days after, campaign was already over, I decided to reveal this particular secret to my high school friend, the week after, to another. And just last Wednesday, to my co-officers in one of my orgs.

It was the perfect time to come out.
I am already at the right age. I already had the courage to do so. It was the time of my life when boxing myself to whoever I pretend to be just adds to my inherently sad self.
I am with the right people. They understood. Some were shocked, but no one judged me.
I am in UP. Like what I've said to my high school friends, Masaya akong nasa UP ako. Malaya. Mapagpalaya.

How Did I Start 2013?

BEST HOLIDAY BREAK EVER!

Just moments before 2013, we left the beach and positioned ourselves in the other side of the bay where most of the fireworks in Subic Bay Management Authority (SBMA) were lighted.

DON'T JUDGE ME, okay? Blackberry isn't really
known for high-res cam capacity. -_-

And the festivity of the yearstart isn't done just yet. I'll share how our celebration resumes the day after tomorrow. Bye!

Happy new yr everyone! :>

Of Being Unpretty and Worthless

I'm sad.
There's not one day when I hadn't wished I were someone else. Worse, I used to hate having to wake up every single day just to appease the routine of everyday life my suffering body has been accustomed to. You see, it's not easy being like me.
As much as possible, I try to stay away from the mirror, avoiding having to catch a glimpse of myself, and having to start another pity party again. If the things included in my prayer were to be arranged in order of priority, being pretty or handsome or hunk-ish would surely be on the top of my list. When I lie in bed after a long day of having to keep up with the miserable social constructions, all the beautiful faces and bodies the television and the internet have bombarded me with flashbacks; and the reverie begins, if I were him I could have been in the arms of someone right now. If I were that gorgeous hunk on the trash channel, I would be enjoying the attention of people right now. If I were much better looking, I wouldn't have to waste fucking minutes struggling to know which clothes I will be less ugly at. If I were someone else, I would be happy.
I'm also not good at anything, like really. I'm too unathletic for sports, it was table tennis in the 4th grade when I was officially playing a sport. I'm an average student barely having grades I could be proud of. My singing is angelic for the sink, the basin, the shampoo, the soap, and the toilet bowl. God knows how they laughed at the last time I danced. When I was much younger, I was made to believe I'm an intelligent kid. Well, that's true, because nobody fucking cares if you're a valedictorian when you're only in pre-school and kindergarten. Haha. Funny it carried through until today. So for the last years, I've also attempted to enhance my non-physical aspects. I've used considerable hours putting my hands on books, reading blogs and articles in the hope of being good even in one thing: writing. But maybe the universe, the society, and I don't-know-who conspired to keep me away from it.

Hahaha. Wuizthispost?

Gray

                                                  All over,
                                                I am shades
                                              of  gray.  I am
                                              ash, the hue of
                                                death.  I am
                                                      the
                                                      ab-
                                           sence of vigor and
                                        zest. I am neutrality, I
                                     take both sides, I take no
                                  sides.     I am neither      white
                                nor           black.  I am         less
                              than           gold,    duller          than
                             co-             balt.    I fade,           I wi-
                                              ther. I am dis-
                                             colored.    I am
                                            washed-out. I am
                                           as firm      as steel,
                                           as fee-         ble as
                                           age. I           am the
                                          the in-            sipid,
                                         sound,            & safe.                                         
                                         I am                 risk-
                                    less. I am              certain. I'm
                                 everything.                 I'm nothing.

I am the pavement you walk on, I am the cosmos you stare at. At the lightest, you will run into me. At the utmost, you will live by me. I am gray, I am every shade of it.

Counterfeit

It’s when the smile solaces your ails,

when in truth, it curves for your laments and your wails


It’s when the sight regales your spirit,

when in reality, it thirsts for a portion of your guilt


It’s when the words play finely to your ears,

when actually, they long to see the rushing of your tears


It’s when the touch carresses the skin,

when indeed, it digs your actuality and scratches it keen


It’s when the company assures you of tomorrow and permanence,

when in actuality, it shuts out every chance of your subsistence


It’s when the very being partakes in your breath’s reel,

when truly, it attempts to shoot an arrow at your heel


It’s when I do,

when I really don’t.




Because I know trickery



inside out.

19

A year ago, I ranted over how rudderless my life has been. I’m turning 19 a few minutes from now and some things, sadly for me, have not changed. I am still a tumbleweed being tossed and driven by the ever sadistic winds. I know, I know. Still too young to go through a quarter-life crisis (if that’s what you call this).

My family is functional. Several sets of friends stay by my side. Wealth and health has never been an issue to me. I was lucky enough to be in my dream university. I just have one enemy. Only one being hates me. In short, all is well.

But there’s just something that has kept and still keeps me from being completely happy. The truth is, I don’t understand. I laugh a lot, I know I make a lot of people happy, and as I’ve said, my conscience is clear from having hurt other people, but a part of me is still wistful. Longing for something. Or someone.

Haaay, for now, I’ll just wish my self an advanced happy birthday. And I promise, 19-year old self, that now will be the last year you’ll feel that way. That before I step into the 20-year mark, I’ll be completely happy and content and kickin! Sana din magaling ka na magsulat pagdating nu’n! :)

The Slogger

While the whole nation was busy commemorating the aluminum death anniversary of Ninoy Aquino, the clan was celebrating his first natal day. If they had known then that he’ll be causing them a good deal, they would have taken part in the former instead.

After eighteen monotonous years, he attempted making sense of life and looking for the direction he so long sought for. Failing after a little less than a thousand tries, he put up with just going with the flow since the universe won’t grant him anything, anyway.

Along with his personality, his confidence got lost in the woods and are yet to find their way back home. He settles for decent and mediocre as frequent as he complains about mankind. He owes his sanity to friends, pessimism, the university, and another set of friends.