Paalam

Dahil sa pagsapit ng Marso,

sabay ang paglipas ko sa paningin mo,

lalaglag ang pula kung saan tayo’y pinagtagpo

This is Goodbye

Tomorrow, everything will be different. You will go on with your life while I will continue to mourn over your departure.

I'll miss you. 

Still Longing

Earlier I told Marlon I’m resigning from my position. He replied, “Wala ba kong power na pigilan ‘yang plano mo?”

If you only know, you have every power over me, everything you say I’ll do. I hope I can tell this to you but I’m afraid of the consequences. 

No More

I’d like to think I’ve learned from what happened in highschool. That’s why I decided to resign from my post. Every moment with him makes me love him even more and my situation gets harder every day athe only resolution I could think of is to stop seeing him. I hope I made the right choice. I don’t want my college life to end with hurt. 

Again again again!

History repeats itself, and so it did.

“I’m letting myself fall for him because I know this will all end soon. Three months to go and I’m out of college.” I told my friend, casually, like doing so is as easy as accepting I failed my midterms. In actuality, I fear leaving him, more than I dread getting into the real world.

I’ve always been someone who does not expect much. With my record of getting nothing that I want, it’s effortless to dismiss the idea of triumph. This time I did the same, and everything was falling well into its place... until I fell for him even more.

“Three months is still three months,” she said in as sympathetic a tone she could muster, “it will be the hardest three months of your college life.”

Now I’m getting it. Love is not like any rejections I’ve received in the past. Because when you start completely acknowledging that it will always be unrequited, you stop loving. As another friend said, “In real life, love has to be possible. Even if it is not returned right away, love can only survive when the hope exists that you will be able to win over the person you desire.” No matter how much you attempt to, there is always that diminutive portion in you that hopes, and will continue to.

“What’s funny is I’ve been in this same position five years ago, you know, the love of my life falling for a bestfriend.”

How happy and hurt at the same time I was, all I could do was smile at the idea of the universes conspiring against me. I mean, how unlucky can I get? Falling for a straight guy twice, them falling in love with my bestfriends. Surely lightning strikes at the same place twice.

“Talaga? Graduating ka din nu’n?” was her reply.

And then I realized! Yes, it was also during my last year in highschool when I fell in love. And that’s why three months, I thought, would be no big feat. Not seeing him is sad while a day with him is hell (seeing someone you know can never be yours).

----

I love you, Marlon.

Part 1

Falling in Love After A Long Time

You were fresh out of elementary when you met him, already wearing that smile and smell you could never forget. You could have evaded the feeling if only fate hasn’t messed all things up again. Months later you see yourself with him in the canteen kubo, with four more boys, starting to build relationships, some of which will eventually last until now. You were with him during lunchbreaks, weekend bonding with the barkada, and afterschool gimmicks. You were there when they left him, when it was only you who could understand. No malice, no hopes, just pure and true concern for a friend.

Boys will be boys, and so you acted the stereotypes. You met a girl and thought it was love. In your heart, you wished it was true. So you would never have to explain, so you would never have to lie. But you cannot fool love, and so it never came. And you were back to him, happy.

 Years after, like many great friendships, it turned into love, unknown to him, unrequited in your part. How ironic the moment that followed was: he confessing his love, not to you, but to someone else. Rubbing salt into the wound, it was your bestfriend. And you could not contain it. You cried  and people around thought it was the unreciprocated romantic love from your bestfriend. That’s what you told them, anyway, that you fell for her. Another pretension, another sidetracking.

And then it was gone, unknown to you why. The unparalleled friendship between you and him. Not the love, though, not when it was just starting to escalate. It was worse. Years of togetherness, now all you could do was stare. Good thing the universe sided with you finally that time. It was your last year in high school. And you were off to running away.

Romantic love was absent in the first years of college. Getting into the university, you could not dare think of it. You were too occupied with academics and organization works. But sometimes you just cannot stop thinking of a future with someone, especially seeing those around you. You were satisfied, nevertheless.

A year before graduation, you decided to run for student office. You met new friends and then it just happened. You came out of the closet. Expressing yourself was much easier. The movements were not calculated anymore, the language now negligible. Your college friends noticed how happy and freer you have become. You are already able to share more, crushes, kilig moments, booooooooys.

And then this guy. You have known him for a long time already but it was just recently when the feelings came rushing. You flirted with him, jokingly. You were always the clown so it was harmless. Even the people around did not see malice, they thought it was just another of your comic acts.

Trouble commenced when jokes began becoming truths, truths into longing, and longing to dreaming. Even if you know you have no chance on a straight goodlooking smart guy. Yes, you are falling in love again.

Ganda ko. He was the one hugging. :3