Why?

I'm currently working on the HDB flat cancellation right now and it feels like crap. I feel like shit because of all the stupid life decisions I have made. I'm really glad that I made this decision not to go on in the marriage because it would just suck the life out of me. I would not have been able to understand myself better and know what I want better. I would have to live in the shadows of others and have children and not be able to do thigns that I want to do. I know all the above sounds so immature and it sounds like I haven't had enough fun. Trust me. I have had. Even after breaking up, I've had. I kept it aside in my memories for so long because I just didn't want to deal with it. But some way or other, God just wants me to deal with them. And this is presented to me through other means and other people who are finally asking me to confront my biggest fears. You ask me, what is it that I want in a relationship. I don't know. I really don't know. Sure, I can tell you, I want three things in my partner: Wit, motivation and eloquence. The trouble is, as a friend has recently pointed out to me, God has presented you three people with three of these qualities. So why then, are you not satisfied? Are you only seeking perfection in your life? I don't know. I wouldn't know. All I know is that I;m very confused at the moment and badly in need of a guiding light. But there is no guiding light when it comes to relationships. This is unlike in a career where you have mentors to follow. This is unlike in academic pursuit where you have lecturers to ask. Who then should I turn to but myself? It has been about 7-8 months now and I still don't know what I want. I know that being alone has allowed me to discover a lot more about myself. But what happens after that? I've discovered myself but I still don't know what I want in a relationship. I know I cant just keep gallivanting around my whole life. I;m no longer young. I'm 26 years old my goodness. I've just began to see what a failure I am in this department. And I still can't figure it out.

It is times like these i really miss friendly kitty

I just studied for 15 hours today. Simply because it was a day where classes were cancelled and I didn't have anything else on and simply becaue I really needed to catch up.

I'm very stressed and yet you still come and quarrel with me. I honestly don't get it. It was really the ultimatum. I just broke down and cried and cried tonight. I fucking hate this. Why must you quarrel with me now of all times?!? When i already exhausted my fucking brains and need to get some fucking sleep?!?!?!?!!!?!??!?!!??!!?

I really miss friendly kitty and i'm sure she misses me too. =( I'm so sorry friendly I cant be there for you. I hope you live a long long life and be there when i'm back in Singapore. I didnt mean to desert you but I can't bring you to Tassie because you'll probably freeze to death. You're so old already i'm so afraid you'll pass away before I come back. Please dont. Please please live to a ripe old age. You;re just like a sister to me. And I really can't bear to see you go. I pray for you every night and hope that you're safe and sound.

I haven't broke down in a long time and I guess today was the real deal that broke down my wall of fears. I know the paragraphs probably don't make sense and are not coherent together but i don't fucking care. No one reads this anyway and i'm happy the way it is that no one reads.

I'm writing this like how I used to write while im 16 and i dont give a fucking damn. Judge me all you want.


I really miss my friendly kitty and I wish I could hug her right now. I know that if she was here watching me cry she would know how to cuddle up to me and just sit next to me quietly listening to my sorrows.

Fucking sick of quarreling.
Fucking sick of discussing the fucking idea of marriage. Fucking sick of discussing stupid things and if they don't mean anything, den don;t fucking hell get married then! I dont give a damn!

I FUCKING HATE PEOPLE WHO BACK OUT LAST MINUTE. FUCK ALL YOUR STUPID EXCUSES. FUCK YOU.

I WONDER HOW PEOPLE FEEL WHEN PEOPLE INVITE OTHERS TO THEIR WEDDING AND PEOPLE DONT TURN UP. FUCK. THAT'S THE WORST THING U CAN DO.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

JUST 12 MORE DAYS...

Before I leave for Tassie.. Heart's excited and scared at the same time.

Friends... and why we should lose some of them

Yes, it's 2012 but I want to talk 2011. I need to get this down here because it marks a significant phase of me. It might come across as little to some, but to me it is very important.

I remember in my primary school days I used to play the "friend and don't friend" game with some of my friends. Honestly, I don't like it. I don't like the word "jue jiao" which some people liked to use. I didn't like the point of un-friending friends and I didn't understand why there was a need to do so. Just be their acquaintance or something instead of denouncing your friendship man.

But now, in my quarter-century old age, I've come to realise that some friends are not worth friending for and that's why i want to put it down in words here. (And also because i'm very sure the people i'm going to talk about are not going to read this blog. haha!)

Two friends in 2011 made me come to a rude awakening that people can be rather selfish. So far, I can say that I've been a pretty good listener to most of my friends, and I've been pretty sincere in helping all of them. I like to give advice to my friends and I'm a rather outspoken one at that. And I like to help people, sincerely (I know i repeated it twice).

So I just wanted to talk about 2 people I decided to disregard for the rest of my life. One of them is a friend whom I knew from Uni. I knew her for quite a while and thought that we had gotten along quite while the whole time I knew her. But up til recently about 3 months ago, I met up with her for dinner simply because I wanted to catch up. But all she could do, was to talk about herself NON STOP. I was like WTF?!? Yeah, I love hearing my friends talk about themselves, their problems and what not. I really like to. But there has to be a limit right?
So there I was listening to her talk about her career, etc, and I started to zone out. I tried intercepting for a little while to tell her something about myself. So here was how "fruitful" it was:

ME "Hey, I'm leaving Singapore for 3 years."
She replied with an "Oh? Why?"
I said," To study".
She replied " Oh! And let me tell you about my......"

I couldn't believe it. I was like WTF. AND I REALLY WANTED TO SAY THAT.
Alright, people who know me know that i'm pretty uncouth in my language. I wouldn't bother to censor my french. But yeah, at that time i felt so hurt i couldnt even do it. I just couldnt bring myself to tell her. I wonder why.

So anyway, that was the dealbreaker. I remember telling myself before I met her for dinner that evening that she used to hog our conversations. But hey, maybe she has changed after a while. but no, she fucking hasn't.

And maybe it is my fault for not telling her that she has been hogging our conversations. But you know what, i can identify an unhealthy friendship when i'm at it. And i've decided to let go of this friendship. Anyways, I don't think she is even aware of what I think. We haven't contacted each other eversince and I don't think she has any intentions to contact me either.

The next friend that I wanted to talk about could sound familiar to many. (Or am I the only one whose being treated that way?)
Whenever you try asking her out for lunch, meal, anything. It would be "Great! No problem! I'm on!"
Then guess what?! On that very day you're meeting her, you text to confirm. And she goes "oh! damn! It's crazy busy for me today."

Once, twice, fine. I'm fine.

But you did this to me 5 TIMES. seriously, FUCK OFF MAN.

Or could it be that I was too thick-skinned to get the hint? Maybe I was.

But yeah, after that, I couldn't be bothered to ask her out anymore.

Well anyway, the moral of this blog entry is that we're not young anymore. We should just stick to friends who are healthy for us, and not bother about people who will only give us unhealthy friendships that make us feel bad about ourselves.

And with that outlook, we can all live a better life to make more meaningful friendships where we can truly sincerely help each other out. =)

Honestly, friends who know me well know i like to listen to people's problems but if you notice, i barely share much about myself unless you ask me. Even then, I don;t really like to share much of my personal troubles with people these days. I find it quite a hassle to tell a story from start to finish. I wonder if I'm becoming really anti-social. Haha... But who cares?

At the old age of 24 (yes i'm not 25 yet), I think I've kinda figured out how I would like to be.

Let's hope this mentality remains in my next three years in Australia!

Rabbit's luck for 2012

Friends who know me well know that I'm really into Fengshui. I can talk to you about palm reading, about fengshui, about 8-zi, and what not. Here's rabbit's luck for 2012! I read through quite a few, but pasted the one most relevant (or more or less similar to what I'm going through now). Hahaha.. Yah.. Self fulfilling prophecy. =)


Source: http://www.gotohoroscope.com/2012/chinese-2012-horoscope-rabbit.html

Rabbit is perhaps his master's favorite in the year 2012 of the Black Water Dragon. He will not have as many problems as other members of the zodiacal circle, but can achieve much success only if he wants. Rabbit can successfully correct the mistakes of last year, correct his activities, which for some reason took a false direction. A representative of this zodiac sign will learn to cope with difficulties, he will be in the spotlight and will be in a combat and optimistic mood.

Dragon encourages those zodiac signs, which try to arrange their home, help others, build strong relationships and a solid material foundation for the family. Therefore, Rabbit will feel the patronage of his master throughout 2012, . He will not seek to gain a high position in society just because of ambition, it is important to him when he tries to get a guarantee of strength to family relationships and to his material base. Rabbit is never poor - he can manage in such a way that under low incomes, he can easily provide everything he and the family needs. Due to his ability to create smooth communication in any company, Rabbit can be very successful and useful in any activity involving establishment of relations, conclusion of transaction, negotiation and discussion. Since 2012 will begin with easy victories, Rabbit may experience some euphoria of success. But it's early to rejoice - much later, problems that will not be noticed and resolved at the beginning, can grow like a snowball, becoming a major obstacle in his activities already for the next year. All that Rabbit is doing now should be dictated not only by his desire to earn more money but also by a strong motivation to change, change his style of leadership and administration, if this is long overdue. Rabbit may again start education and learn a new profession, his abilities will be greatly expanded if he would work to expand the horizons of his knowledge. In early 2012, Rabbit should not trust everybody without exception because in spontaneous decisions, it is easy to divert one's activities in the wrong direction beneficial to others, but absolutely useless to Rabbit himself. In spring, Rabbit's vitality will only increase, he can finally assert his claims to the company management, or even quit for search of a new work. This is a favorable period for search of one's affairs, but the representative of this zodiacal constellation needs to come to this decision not spontaneously, shooting from the hip, but by carefully thinking it over, weighing all the pros and cons. A large number of routine work for Rabbit in the summer may push him into low spirits. But this needs to be done even if it is a paperwork is recount and reports. Rabbit should be well aware that this is just a new stage in his path, it does not carry any losses or disappointments, but he should pass through it as efficient as possible to prepare well for a more complex and intensive work. During fall season, the area of communication with others will come out in the forefront of Rabbit activities - this period is good for conclusion of contracts and conduct of quiet negotiations.

Rabbit's personal life in early 2012 will be troubled - Rabbit's overemployment, his/her nervousness or euphoria of victory will affect his/her relationship with his/her partner. By spring, a representative of this zodiac sign may become irritable and impatient, he/she will seek to win the right position in society, while losing ground in his/her relations with his/her spouse. At the first ocurrence of trouble, Rabbit should improve the situation, pay attention to the feelings and wishes of his/her loved one. Single Rabbit in the first half of 2012 may indulge in romantic adventures and look for light flirtations, but a fateful meeting with a loved one will take place during fall.

2012 - New year, new beginnings

It has been more than a year since my last post. Or should I say, close to two years. How amazing time has passed and I'm 25 this year already.

I stopped blogging ever since my last post when I was about to start work at Ogilvy. And at that time, I told myself I should be disciplined and blog a little more, to update myself on my life and give myself a chance to do some self reflection. But as you know it, time flies in Ogilvy. Working 14 hour workdays didn't leave me much time to write about myself. I had plenty of time writing about others though - ironic isn't it. Drafting speeches, writing press releases, and what have you.

Well, today, it marks yet another new post which also coincidentally (or not) marks another new phase of my life. And yes, perhaps I could have been suffering from what some of my friends have also suffered from too. Quarter life crisis. But at least I'm glad it happened now than later.

Things are moving pretty fast as my flight to Hobart looms closer. Somehow, something in me is wishing it accelerates even more. Though, I've been told by many to just slow down, rest as much as you can right now because you probably wouldn't have the chance anymore. You'll be slogging to death at the library, mugging and burying yourself in books, they say.

That said, I wanted to mention a phrase that I learnt in primary school. Yes, primary school, you heard me right. "Birds of a feather, flock together".

Interestingly, almost 80% of my friends have had their quarter-life crisis by now. And these friends have switched; and switched to a different path of their choice by taking the chance. I'm glad i'm quite lucky to have friends like that and have more friends who will tell me "NOO... you're not crazy to throw away everything in Singapore to go to Hobart". than friends who tell me "ARE YOU OUTTA YOUR FREAKING MIND?!" Not that I'm more of a one-sided thinker who likes people to stand on my side (then again, who doesnt?!) but sometimes I find it better to hang around positive people and people who have goals and know what they want in life. And people who encourage, rather than destroy.

So that said, as I look forward (to be honest, not really) to Chinese New Year, I expect many people to start asking "Why? Why do yuo want to forgo your NTU degree and do another degree? You did well in NTU right?"

Yes, I did well. Or at least I felt so. But it's not about that. It's about being willing to take the risk and jump; even though you know you might potentially be jumping into greater difficulties; and eons of hardship. And to be honest, not many Singaporeans can do that.

So ultimately, I'm not trying to applaud myself or anything. As I said, this is a post of self-reflection. I've weighed the pros and cons. I've done the math and whatever else I need to consider. This, I guess could be a post of reassurance to myself that "cathryn, you're making the damn right decision".

Alright, the title of the post is starting to have no relevance already.

I remember I used to write my new year resolutions in this blog every single year. And I'm going to do the same again.

1. Think less (about nonsense stuff)
Interestingly, i went to a fortune teller in HK and she told me that I think too much and worry too much all my life. She was spot on. And she cautioned me not to continue this crazy and a little bit obsessive habit.

2. Be more sincere when I treat my friends
NO it's not that I wasn't sincere in the past. I just want to be more sincere now. I realised that at Ogilvy, I lost touch with a couple of friends I just to be close to becasue I was simply too busy. This was bad. So I had the past six months when my time was much more flexible to focus on building this. And I'm proud to say...
I've managed to re-kindle the relationship with some friends I've lost touch with, and yes, we're still going strong. And unfortunately, also give up some friends.
Why? That's a story for another day. If I remember to write about it.

3. Try not to eat dinner
The thing about my body is... It just gains mass everytime i consume anything! It's really pathetic and I haven;t found a way out of it.

Okay, let's keep to three this year. Because the more new year resolutions you have, the harder it is to fulfil.

Good luck Cathryn!!!!! =)