i noe i'm not supposed to b online now.. but/...
arghh..
i told myself i forgot u liaoz.. but.. i m constantly reminded of u.. y is tt so? i cant forget u.. i really really really really really cant! i cant! y??????????? i nid to forget u this instant!

arghhhhhhhh!!! i went online juz now n forgot to save the entry i typed in juz now.. so all the chunks i typed.. all got erased.. so i decided to type again..
anyway, monday is someone;s bdae.. of course i cant say whose bdae it would b.. haiz. unfortunately, i cannot get to wish tis person face to face happi bdae.. coz mi n this person, r not even acquaintances now.its really very depressing when u think about it.. i really hopw that this person will b happi.. n fortunate n what not. haiz, i wonder wat would happen on my sweet sixteen? would i b stuck alone at hm, crying coz there is no one to celebrate my bdae wif mi?or, would i b so happi out celebrating? well, i guess it would b the former. i definitely wun b happy on my sweet sixteen, coz i noe, wateva wish i make, it will not come true..none of my wishes ever ever came true...
i though a lot about the past , the present n the future these few days. i've come to realise that i m not happy at all now, in the present... the past held much more happy memories for me(i chose to forget the sad ones). now, i'm juz sitting on my bed, thinkin, thinking , thinking, thinking, n thinking.. wishin, wishin, n wishin tt i could somehow turn back time so tt i could return to the past where i had been much happier. howvere, i know, all these r juz dreams. dreams tt i can only imagine wat they r to b. i know these dreams will nv b a reality..haiz.. i wonder wat the future beholds?will i still b feeling so sad n unwanted? or will i feel as happi as a lark? i guess its the former? haiz.. u'll nv noe..
on thursday, we took back some of our exam papers.. i din do well.. i was so damn sad.. i dun understand y some ppl can do so damn well when they nv even study!! do u know how much effort i put in?? do u noe?? of course u dun... i put in so much effort n in the end, wat did i get? a b4 for my amths.. i really hopw to get into a gd jc.. n i'm kinda aiming to go to temasek jc after the 1st 3 mths.. coz i noe tt the 1st 3 mths, i cannot make it le.. the prelims were so tough.. some ppl in our class say they cant fo the amths paper, but in the end, i guess they kinda lied to conmsole mi... they all did so damn well!! a1, a2, b3... all so gd for amaths! y cant u all juz tell mi the truth the paper was chicken feet for u instead of lying??? well, i guess its one man for himself (in my case, its one girl) . my prelim totally sux!for the 1st 3 mths howvere, i yhope i can still squueze into nyjc for a science course wif bio, chem n no physics in it... hopefully.. i 'm beri afriad of my humanitied.. i got a c6 for my mock.. this time, i studied real hard.. pls pls pls.. let mi get a b4 n above? how abt a b3 or a2? or m i setting my goals too high? m i overestimating myself? i'm not clever.. its not sec 2 life i keep telling myself.. sec2 yr was the best yr i even had in xinmin.. the best.. my most academically active yr.. n also , the yr i took part in most tings other than studying..
well well... history wun repeat itself... how much worse can life get? i rteally dun understand.. y izzit some ppl's life r a breeze? they enjoy luxurieslike nobodies business when they dun even lift a finger! n wat abt mi????? wat abt mi??? i haf to slog so hard.. n in the end, my attempts prove futile..!!! wats the pt, i keep telling myself.u r not of tt calibre.. juz gif up juz gif up.. my mind keeps telling me tt...
everyone's greateset wish is to love n to be loved... i guess i will nv get tt greatest wish of mine.. i oni can love.. buit not get loved.. it seems..
nowadays, whenever i cross a bz junctionm, i get this urge to run across the road.. i juz want to get hit by any fast mocving vehicle n lie in hopsital, on the verge of dying.. i juz keep gettong this urges nowadaya, telling me to jump of the building n stuffs like tt.. like the other day, i was so depressed by my lousy results i was standing by the railings outside my classroom,.. i got the sudden urge to jump off.. of course, i din. or i would noit b here typing this entry now.

on friday, we attened this personal grooming course conducted by this lady. she is beri chio n her hair is soooo damn nice n sophisticated. i totally lurved it..so nice.. unfortunately, i dun tinbk it would fit my face.
anyway, she taough us abt color temperatures n gave us each a free analysis of our color temperature. mine was cool colors.. namely purple n blue base. she gave most ppl an acid test.which was to put a fabric of warm color n another of a cool color against u..she didnt even nid to gidf mi an acid test n str away told mi i was a cool color person.. hahx.. wonder how she did tt? she also said other things.. but i beta not type here or else ppl read le say mi BHB.. she also commenyted on my skin n she said i had gd skin. hee.. i felt rather flattered..
then at 1010 , it was some meeting abt the prom nite aka graduation nite we would b hafin on the 26 of nnov. phew! it wasnt on the 30th or i would not b able to attend it. anyway, it costs $55 dollars n would b held in the Oriental Hotel at marina. the dress code is formal. but mr chee added tt smart casual is also allowed.. y muz he add tt smart casual is allowed!! now there will b less ppl wearing gowns... haiz..i realli wanna wear a gown.. milene oso.. u noe.. the kind where ppl go prom those kind.. not smart casual!!! smart casual would b too shui bian for a prom nitEE!! den the nite will not b significant enuf.. i hope ppl understand...

ok.. here's a song tt describes how i feel now...

(there's gotta be ) more to life stacie orrico

I've got it all, but I feel so deprived.
I go up, I come down, and I'm emptier inside.
Tell me what is this thing that I feel like I'm missing
and why can't I let it go?

Chorus:
Therre's gotta be more to life
than chasing down every temporary high
to satisfy me.
Cuz the more that I'm
trippin' up thinking there must be more to life.
Well it's life, but I'm sure.
There's gotta be more...
than wanting more.

I've got the time and I'm wasting it slowly
Here in this moment, I'm halfway out the door.
Onto the next thing, I'm searching
for something that's missing.


Chorus:
Therre's gotta be more to life
than chasing down every temporary high
to satisfy me.
Cuz the more that I'm
trippin' up thinking there must be more to life.
Well it's life, but I'm sure.

There's gotta be more...
I'm wanting more.
I'm always waiting on something other than this.
Why am I feelin' like there's something I missed?

Chorus:
Therre's gotta be more to life
than chasing down every temporary high
to satisfy me.
Cuz the more that I'm
trippin' up thinking there must be more to life.
Well it's life, but I'm sure.
There's gotta be more...
than wanting more.

Chorus:
Therre's gotta be more to life
than chasing down every temporary high
to satisfy me.
Cuz the more that I'm
trippin' up thinking there must be more to life.
Well it's life, but I'm sure...

(There's gotta be more) More...ooh yeah..
(More) More to
(To) More to
(Life) More to life...(yeah)
(There' s got be more to life) More to
More to life...
(More) More to
(To) More to
(Life...yeah) There's gotta be more...
(There's gotta be more to life)Oooh...
More to life...

heyoz..
woke up at around 10 something today. i slept late yesterday coz i was reading storybook. its amazing how fast time passes when u r engrossed in a srtory.at the same time, i was listening to a CD milene lent to mi.eh.. its a CD by Cyndi .. titled eh.. if i'm not wrong , shld b called begin or beginning.. wateva...
anyway, it consists of chinese songs.. i'm not a great fan of chinese songs btw.. i juz borrowed it from milene as i was rather bored wif no fresh songs to listen to.well, this cyndi gal is pretty. however, she looks just like any taiwan or hongkong groomed idol. so, she does really stand out among the rest, despite her youthful face. put these young stars together, they look so identical. they obviously lack the X-factor.(not tt i have any of it too) i feel that there are just too many of these pop star wannabes out there tt ppl are getting bored and tired of the same kinda style .. all the act cute or act dao or act chio type of pop stars. When will we ever have something new? dont these 'groomers' or whateva u call them realise that the entertainment industry is too saturated with the same kinda ppl.. this is the same for guys too.. all are starting to sport the same kinda hairstlye... singing the same kinda songs.. flashing the same old boring kinda smile.
well, back to this cyndi gal.. i've absolutely nothing against her. so i should not criticise too much. from a 'professional' point of view, she sounds like just any other songtress in the market. As i had just said earlier, i'm getting sick of ppl like her. all of them seem to follow ayumi n boa.. haiz.. time to slap them in the face n tell them ' wake up! wake up!' but i guess, they'll nv get to it.it will be hard to break into the global market if she carries on this way..
ok ok.. i'm nt in any place to criticise ppl coz i apparently dont have the talent to croon like aNY normAL singer.hahx.. i have also failed in the looks department too.. so its best just to keep quiet n watch the rise n fall of our young pop stars wannabes..
i think i said too much, haven i?
btw, i heard that the movie 'turn left , turn right ' was a hit.. i had wanted so much to watch it.. haiz.. but i guess fate did not permit. too bad lor..
oh ya.. i watched holland v yesterday.. its a pity that they did not even feature jing jing n xiao xin.. i was so pissed off.. i had sat there, staring at the black box in front of mi.. to my dismay, they did not even feature them!! they kept showing tt stupuid maggie!!! arghh.. aint she irritating??let me end my entry with a quote..

>>> To love someone is to see a miracle invisible to others
-- Francois Mauriac

heres a sweet sms i recieved yesterday nitex..
a friend is:
a tissue when u cant stop crying
a shoulder when u feel like dying
always listens when u have something to say
a week when u need a day
a crutch when u have a broken heart
some glue when evrything falls apart
a sun when the rain justdont stop
phone call when u cant leave ya home
hand when u fell all alone
wing if u wan to fly
understands without knowing why
a ear for a secret to tell
an aspirin when u feel unwell
a love tt can never let go

aint it sweet? when i recieved it, i almost wanted to cry.. hahx.,.. but coz its during the bbq.. den a lot of ppl so if cry like beri paiseh like tt... ok.. the sms is from my best fren of 8 yrs.. i'm glad tt we haven lost touch after so long.. partly is oso because we live so near each other.. hahx.. i still remember during primary sch, we used to shout through each other's kitchen windows to communicate.. y dun we use to fone? well, it's not because the fone is more expensive(duh!) but because its fun? haha.. nvm.. tinkin back.. i think we've come a long way.. we've been through thick and thin, shared our happiness and sorrow together.. n etc.. well, i sure hope our friendship lasts...
anyway, bbq last night was qwuite fun.. eh.. we played sparkles for a while.. then at abt 9 sumting, i sat on the beach alone to listen to the waves.. it was very soothing to the ears.

You're the loving smile,the one that is entirely
devoted to others,especially that one
person.You really can't get them out of your
head,but then,you don't really want to.


What Kind of Smile are You?
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Congratulations!! You're a strawberry daquiri!!


What Drink Are You?
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innocent kiss - you're cute and sweet and like it
that way


What Sign of Affection Are You?
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Driretlan is your Vampire name.
You are a witty Vampire with a certain style that
others are drawn to.
To use your new Vampire name and become a Vampire,
go here:
www.life-blood.cjb.net


What is your Vampire name?
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woke up with puffy eyes today. i wonder how i fell asleep yesterday. immediately after puttin down the fone, i started crying uncontrollably. u think i wanna cry one? no.. i tried to suppress rthe tears for quite long. n finally, it all came out. i dunnu y i cried. so stupid n lame of me. i cant control them right?mayb i should go n c a psychologist.
deep down, i kinda feel tt i was lied to. i have no idea of what's happening.all i know tt, from my intuition,i was lied to so tt the truth will not affect me. so stupid of me to ask in the first place. i always regret after doin things.(y cant i ever change?) anyway, i really feel that i was lied to so tt i would remain "happy" . but it was wrong. coz so MANY ppl know le.. so it cant possibly just b a rumour.. y cant i know the truth? yeah.. mayb its because u know the consequences of wat will happen after i know the truth? cant u just dun care of the consequences and just come straight forth with the truth?i dunnu.. i also know that all these is not ya fault at all.. it just the doin of one damned person.. n that person is me.
i always say tt i will change i will change. i told my mum that too. until she finally gave up on me.. knowing tt it will be hard to change my SUCKY character. but i never knew.. u gave up on me too...
now that i know i m hopeless.. whats the pt of becuming the happy person i used to be?
i know i definitely have no admirable qualities or what not, but ghaiz.. u dun understand.. nobody does.. so i think i shall save my effort explaining it.
i know u think i'm irritating.. n all that.. but... haiz..forget it.. nvm
maybe i was wrong. 'not even four mths'is counted as fast. never had i been hit so badly by such a 'tragedy'( i dunnu wat word to use). i know tt i have no more chance le.. but cant i even b given a tinge of hope? just a teeny weeny one? no? No..
its hard to accept.. i dunnu how u were able to accept. can u teach me how to accept reality n live on? no u cant. coz we may nv talk again. u said we will b frenz.. but.. look at the situation now.. are we even frenz? no.. the frenz word.. is just a word.. just for decoration purposes.. no other uses.. so wats my final statement? i have no frenz, no family, nutin...

i just found out something from someone today... its one of the worse days of my life..
i really dont understand y ppl's heart can chnage so fast one..
now i heard tt ************ is ***** someone..so fast.. not even more than 4 mths... so fast...
now, i really regret my decision.. i really wan to turn back time..
pls.... i dunnu wat to do liaoz
wth... happiness? i definitely dun represent happiness... more of sorrow..

You represent... happiness.
Boy, are you full of cheer or what...? You have a
sunny disposition and enjoy trying to spread
your happiness. You have a tendency to be a
little hyper, but you have the ability to make
your own fun no matter what.


What feeling do you represent?
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where is the lurve..............

people killin
people dyin
children hurt and
women cryin
will you practice what you preach
and would you turn the other cheek
father father father, help us
need some guidance from above
these people got me got me questionin
where is the love?
(love) where is the love?
(the love) where is the love?
(the love) where is the love?
(where is the love the love my love)

boring boring day

haiz.. its a slacking day at home today. ntuin to do.. woke up at around 8sumting den went back to sleep straight away ah.. haizi watched gigli yesterday on vcd( the song starring j.lo n ben affleck) .. now i understand y it was given so many bad remarks. the show has a rather lame story line and it aint really a romantic comedy. the only funny part i remeber laughing was tt there was this retarded boy hu pleaded ben affleck to read his sumting before he goes to sleep. ben affleck had no books at home so he took some label from (if i nt wrong is some kinda sauce) and read it to the boy.. the boy was so happy that he even thanked ben affleck for reading the ingredients and all those stuff to him. haiz.. i wanted to watch the show alone yesterday as i wanted some time alone by myself. instead, my dad was there readin papers until late and early in the morning..
after the show, i went back into my room, still unabvle to slp.. so i kept listening to CDs and radio.. n dunnu until wat time den i finally fall aslp.. haiz.. i predict tt i will have another slpless nitght tonite again... wish me luck.. for wateva it is..

this really SUCKS BIG TIME

wat now... haiz... i just made my mum angry again by being bery rude to her.. haiz... its a really unlucky day man. everything dun turn out right at all.. wat the... haiz
i ended up wif a black face for the rest of the day. i really m at wit's end n i realli haf no idea wat to do u know.. what did i do to desrve such things?
i had lasped into depressiona few weeks ago n just as i was abt to feel tt i could gain warmth from my family.. such things have to happen.. now i realised tt the world i live in is such a cruel n cold place. i really hate living in this world.. i truly wan to live this inhuman place. this place is full of backstabbers, liars and wat else.. i dunnu.. there is no gd or kind ppl at all.. everyone is so selfish.. so stupid.. brainless freaks!
sorie.. dun mean to scold anyone.. just venting my anger
i haven been talking much at hm n i definitely am not in the mood to talk to either of my parents. i dun c any reason for quarreling n i tink all those things done are TOTALLY childish lor... pls lor.. quarrel over trivial things.. it takes 2 hands to clap.. it also takes 2 ppl to fight.. y cant u just compromise a little or take a little? everyday we read the news.. there is terrorism, robbery, kidnaps, abandoned babies, killings, arson... wat else man... cant we just have a little peace n happiness????????? arghhhhhhhh..........
i cant wait to leave tis world.. just KILL MI

SOS

my life sux.. i wonder if this family is gonna break.... haiz.. i tink i'm leaving tml.. tml.. i dunu where i'll go.. dun even bother to look for me..

pls help mi.. thanks

i'm back after half a day in hell.. it really sux..
i think i'm gonna leave home.. except that i haven found a place to go yet.. once i have done that, i''m gonna leave that place.. i aint joking. i thought i could find warmth in my family, but i was wrong... TOTALLY wrong man!! fucking hell!
gotta find sum place to go liaoz..., i try to leave tml.. but where to go? if u have somewhere to lodge me.. can u pls tell mi? u wil b doing mi gd... dun worry... u wun harm the hell out ta mi!
haiz... i'm sitting ard now doin nutin.. the family has changed from nice, to a place of ice... i really dun noe wat to do.. i scared they realli will *******... how??? wat if they realii ******* ?? i dunnu liaoz... i tink i beta find somewhere else to stay.. away from tt place of hell.. no one can understand wat the hell feel rite now.. i keepp using the hell word.. i really wanna get out of this place!!! can anyone pls help me???????? PLEASE??

Age does not protect you from love
but love to some extent protects you from age.