A Book of Misery

Purest of Pain
I'm sorry I didn't mean to call
but I couldn't fight it
I guess I was weak
couldn't even hide it
and so I surrender
just to hear your voice
I know how many times I said
I'm gonna to live with out you
and maybe someone else
is standing there beside you
but there's something baby
that you need to know

that deep inside me
I feel like I'm dying
I have to see you
it's all that I'm asking
Baby, give me back my fantasy
the courage that I need to live
the air that I breathe
Living without you
my world becomes so empty
my day's are so cold and lonely
and each night I taste
the purest of pain

I wish I could tell you I'm feeling better every day
that it didn't hurt
when you walked away
but to tell you the truth
I can't find my way

and deep inside me
I feel like I'm dying
I have to see you
it's all that I'm asking

Goodbye My Lover
Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

Monday, May 21, 2012

everything is going wrong again. and again. and again.
it almost feels like nothing will get better.
i almost feel like it's not worth trying anymore.
what am i doing here, really.

-Broken dreams-

Sunday, February 26, 2012

I am amazed by how long I've been away from here - I thought it was longer than 6 months ... but I guess I haven't gotten over this stage and hence will not be leaving this space for some time moving forward.

Its this quiet spot that gives me a sense of sanity. No need for facades, no need for fronts - just speak as the mind would and write as the heart feels. I'm falling down that slippery slope again. I'm thinking of what should not be thought about, and wondering why things are the way they are.

Completing relatively successfully a recent project, I somehow felt a strong sense of melancholy - the completion of the job gave no satisfaction, needless to say not the least bit of joy too. I began to wonder if this "fuzzy feeling of comfort" was all imagined. I'd met some wonderful people over these two months of the year, but are these all transient? How many will remember you? How many can help you? How many truly meant what they said?

I think about these people who have helped me, who have been most cooperative, and some rare ones who have been without rehearsal, highly-coordinated with my actions and thoughts. Yet after a short 2-3 day encounter, these people vanish from your life - they won't appear again, hey can't help you anymore, they move on and forget who you are, and yet you stand at the very same spot thinking... I'm not so sure anymore. Why do we bother, why do we try, why should we even think of what's past? Then again, what's there to think about in the present? I have tried, but nothing changes. I have questioned what's wrong, but nothing concrete surfaces. So if we have to start from a base-point, I say fine, I have a problem. Now find me the solution, something viable, something that helps the situation. But time and again there isn't a real solution.

So let's just say forget it. As darkness falls, all that is left is a lingering memory that will soon fade away.

-Broken dreams-

Sunday, August 07, 2011

overwhelmed by melancholy. as darkness magnifies the sadness and wrongs in life. so much, so little time. how I wish things were different.
and you realize there's so little truth in everything. everything is imaginary. if only the sadness is imaginary too.
If only all the negatives were imaginary. if only life was imaginary.
sometimes as we stare into the blankness of the night, don't we ever wonder what happens on the other end of the world? at the other spectrum? is time relative? if i could turn back time a little, would that mean that whatever was there, will still be there?

-Broken dreams-

Monday, May 23, 2011

a sigh of relief, that everything probably is alright.
how easy it is, to be contented...

-Broken dreams-

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Would you happen to care to share where and how you are?
Strangely as I stood on the streets today that song shouted every word I wished to say.
Nonetheless.
Hope all is and will be good...

Destruction is constructive.

-Broken dreams-

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

don't i always wish that we would soon die.
i wish i would soon die.
i wish i no longer have to face all these.
seriously wish someone would end it all for me.
someone would be kind enough to say, you know, i understand. and i understand enough to let it happen.
let it be the way you wished it to be.

Not just once.
Someone kindly put an end to all these.
I wish I would never wake again tomorrow. Never again.
I wish I will not wake to see the world again.
I wish someone up there heard me loud and clear and put me to an end, maybe then I could consult those above.
How did they do what they did or have done? How could it all have been possible?

How did this sustain till today? how i wish it would end soon. tonight. tonight.

-Broken dreams-

Saturday, January 01, 2011

FML FML FML FML FML FML.
the best way to start the year! FML.
FML. WTF. what a fucked up way to start the year.

life is such a bitch. hate life.
all the bullshit. all the lies. all the wasted effort. effort is not reciprocated.
F all the shit about help, trust and care. wtf. all bullshit.
FML.

-Broken dreams-

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Each time we move towards the end of the year I wish someone could help. I wish there was some way out of all the misery. Please end.
BUT it doesnt happen. it gets worse and more hell breaks lose. Time and again. Wondering why and what for, did I stick through the year.
Every thing turns better somewhere for someone, but it never happens.

-Broken dreams-

Time to wrap up the year.
One day late. To the first ever wonderous amazing mesmerizing captivating - a slight belated birthday, and thank you for the most soothing voice of the nights.

Life has made a turn, for the worse.
There is no hope in life. no truth in life. no reality.
anything that stands around us - purely a lie. merely a facade. everyone, everyone in this world lies to get their goals.
Life has shown, time and again, that anything good is unsustainable. the good have passed. the evil persists. the negativity of life envelopes the world.
there will never be anyone...anyone like that. a pack of lies. there will never be anyone who can help, there will never be anyone who is the way ideal. never. please give a bolt of lightning. please.
watching the past, knowing that things will never be the same again. why, why were things the way they were in the past? why were things "possible" in the past, and why are things today, not? why can't we lead a simple life? why can't life be normal?
if there really isn't anyone who can help, if there really isn't any way to end the unpleasantness in life, maybe, maybe it's time to end it, in a different manner. negativity cannot be ended, but forsake everything, give up everything.

if i cannot end the evils, don't let the evils end me. find something, somewhere, somehow else, to end it.
I turned and stared, looked and wondered, considered and thought - yet realized that, time has past. there is no turning back. there is no way around. any step forward, edges towards the end. cowardice. cowardice stops one from stepping forward.
Please give me the end.

-Broken dreams-

Friday, August 20, 2010

for the first time in life i learnt today, to be grateful for the little pleasant surprises and nice things that happen in a maliciously threatening world.

it must be these little things that keep the mind sane ...
so here comes the gratitude - to be thankful for the conversation, the care & concern, the kindness, the understanding, the comfortableness, the commonalities, the trust, the willingness, the forgivingness, the helpfulness, the sanity, the humanity, the simplicity, the honesty, the ... the internet is a dangerous place.
note: paranoia does not go away.

while the guard-fences are down, and the heart is accepting, the mind rationally analyzes and queries...
and it questions: what happens from here...? how long does this take/last...? will the rationality remind and conquer, and disallow...? can differences be reconciled...? when will there be a major divergence...? is there an existing schism...? do we see prospects...? when will it all fade away...? when will the topics run out...? when will we forget...?
meanwhile, what happens...?

until the answer, until the day ...

-Broken dreams-

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

a strange mysterious suspicious feeling.
this little tinge of excitement over nothingness, that has forbidden the return to normality and trapped the soul in the realm of fantasy and expectations.

to the ever-wonderful HVV, thank you so much for the willingness and patience, for the encouragement and amazing words that have instilled so much strength into the eternal cynic. And for once, questions raised appeared to have epic effects on one, such that answers were sought after. For the passion, for the determination, for the forgiving heart, I am convinced.

to the ever-caring JW, thank you so much for the kindness and concern, and for always giving in. it would definitely have been a different story if not because of the fated introduction. Very surprising, but very pleasant. For a memory that cannot be deleted, for always being there, for the coffee break that highlighted the truth and similarities, for the trust - thank you.

Suddenly new insights of life have been discovered - there are, those rare occassions when we meet the good people, but so few, so few that the ugliness of life overwhelms them. Nonetheless. How do we acknowledge them so discreetly yet so loudly?
TWY, with passion, sincerity and a kind heart.
VT, with so much passion and determination.
Y, with the air of militarism yet such a soft kind heart that touches the soul.
TSL, with trust and humanity, untainted by fame.
HVV, exemplifying the rare goodness in spite of establishment, fame and money.

That makes it ... 5 out of 4000 people. Statistic.

-Broken dreams-

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

on some rare occasion, some particular week in 2010, some unseen joy.

And today a scene came back to mind ...

In the heat, on an evening, a very heartwarming smile, sincere and trusting. One just couldn't help but to return a smile.

In all that anger, in all the frustration, this very smile tempted one to grin back. To break out of defensive state and smile from the heart...
Why, why the smile? What showed up, was the frustration so obviously noticeable?
Why did the smile come about?
And no - no-one smiles without a reason.
This little understanding deep inside - a little note of encouragement that rang, "it's fine, come on smile a little" ... one can never decipher the reason.
Suddenly it seemed to make sense when they say, a smile could make someone's day.
This smile, made someone's many days...and may continue so in future.

In helplessness, the laughter that said ... "oh you SHOULD"... the laughter that said, "is that right?" , the laughter that couldn't hide the amusement ... the laughter that brightened the nights ... the very same laughter that came with the smile ...
This very laughter rang like bells...something one could live with forever...
Never before ... never.

And when so, will such a scene appear again?
Time and fate, decide.

-Broken dreams-

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Ages ago, it was an eternity of time and distance.
A week ago, it was some fate of time and distance.
Yesterday, it was 6 hours of time and distance.
Today, it is 0 hours of time and distance.
At present, it is 4 hours more before the end.
Tomorrow, it is yet again 12 hours of time and distance.
Effectively, an eternity of time and distance.

And there were some random promises, in 1 year, in 4 years...
And I will know, very very soon. But this little part of me is worried, is fearful, that things may happen to avoid these from realizing.

Please, take care.

For the very fact that you have managed to convince the cynic that there can be goodness on earth. For the very fact that you managed to make the pessimist laugh. For the very fact that you have once again injected so much confidence into a person. For the very fact that you made such a simple statement which brought so much comfort and trust.
For the very fact that ... you are you. Thank you very much for your kindness. Thank you so much for the wonderful memories.

With lots of love ...

-Broken dreams-

Monday, June 14, 2010

Having difficulties getting over some things that should not be stuck in the mind. specifically, some people. some very very interesting, very sweet, very nice, very patient person.
Someone who seemed to re-highlight that life isn't always that ugly - that there CAN be some relatively nicer people around. That there can be people who really care, who are really appreciative, who are really fun-loving and with no harmful intentions.

And for the first time, after ages, it has re-occured to me that ... there CAN be good people in this world.

When the victory of the orange was announced over the danes, this sudden euphoria was uncontained, and so the uncontrollable fingers started running across the laptop and the phone to spread the word. but the rationale mind stopped in its tracks to say, No. No way. No more.

... the good person is wayyy far off from here, in geography and time. And maybe, maybe never again.

Despite the intelligence portrayed by some other genius, the mind does not sideline past memories of the one who had once been so kind, so patient, so sweet, so fun-loving, so sincere, so honest, so wonderfully amazing.

With many regrets ...

-Broken dreams-

Sunday, June 13, 2010

oh johannes dear, i wish you knew how much i miss you already...

and i don't usually shout it out... trust me.

-Broken dreams-

Saturday, June 12, 2010

The mind unilaterally allows itself to run wild and suddenly falls for a trap.
And the mind thinks so much of some things it should not that they appear even in the dreams, just to wake an individual over and over again to remind that it'll all be over now.

Not turning up in the evening, but was it a regret?
Imagine the relief upon getting the phonecall. Imagine the euphoria upon hearing the invitation.
Not turning up in the morning, due to formality.
Sighs.

JAVV aka HVV! Come back soon!! :( Missing you terribly already! :(
And of course, the entire team of you guys, come together soon! :(
Never knew that there could be so much knowledge that went amiss during the years. Never knew that there could be so much fun along the way.
I will wait, and I am looking forward to the good news.
Come back soon! My unfulfilled promises must be fulfilled!

-Broken dreams-

Sunday, April 18, 2010

some things are making a turn ... taking a change ... wondering, wondering ... how it will all work out ...
wondering ... if things will get better .. turn out the way it should.
remaining hopeful...

-Broken dreams-

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

There must be something wrong ... something wrong with the mind.
The mind disallows any proximity or perceived threat.
The mind does not like.
The mind does not agree.
Yet the mind does not wish to admit.

I guess it sums it all up. The mind needs re-wiring.

Offence? Taken.
What offence?
How does it even matter?

The Problem: It matters, though it should not ... and it matters so much that it became irreversible.

-Broken dreams-

Thursday, March 11, 2010

i must have been stupid to think that humans understand.

and i must have been stupid to wish for anything.

turned out that it was all wrong.

if that must be the case, maybe i should not stay on.

because life on this strange planet is getting worse.

it just may be a better option to fall off the surface.

-Broken dreams-

Monday, March 08, 2010

I HATE THIS FREAKING WORLD.
why must everything be the way it is. yea for some screwed reason. point taken. but i don't believe in these stupid reasons no more.
used to believe in much more, i guess.
not anymore.
i give up.
i wish i could disappear into the darkness and never again face all these.
but runnin away ain't no solution. i know, but i still can't seem to find a way out.
maybe it was all a mistake. a terrible mistake that i can't seem to even forgive myself with.

so screw it.
i hate life. i hate me. i hate everything.
misantropist. rocks.
end ME.

-Broken dreams-

Saturday, February 27, 2010

suddenly understood why it all came back to mind ...
why it all came back as if something triggered it.
i now understand.

and i question, why all good people have to leave.
why all the most horrid things hang around in my vicinity.
if all these will cause me to isolate those who might care.

i don't really know. i can't really tell. but life is definitely a full-time bitch.
and it may not be a bad option to leave sooner.

-Broken dreams-

Friday, February 26, 2010

no longer anyone whom i can share my true feelings with...

and being pissed, angry and harsh, is really just a way to hide these weaknesses.
just let me be, please.

-Broken dreams-

i don't want anything anymore...

please please let me wake up from this nightmare ....
please tell me everything is not the way it is now.

i hate me and i hate me forever.

apologies no longer can make sense.

please ...

how long can memories be sustained .....

-Broken dreams-

afraid to sleep. why...
afraid ...
all of a sudden, its all coming back.
the unknown fear ... or fear of the unknown.
why?
don't let the subconscious mind take over ... don't.
but sometimes it can't help itself...can it.

if you don't want to help yourself, nobody can help you.

why did i ever say that. why did i ever.
even if i knew it was true.

apologies mean nothing eventually.

what is/was the reason for tears ...? who could identify? who could segregate?

i wish i could turn back time. i wish things could be different.

or maybe the subconcious mind can give a different story...

-Broken dreams-

Thursday, February 18, 2010

feeling lost, tired, upset.
when all the memories surge into the foreground of the mind ... when tears swell but do not fall ... when strain pressurizes but does not reveal itself.

-Broken dreams-

is this purely out of fatigue, or the reality?

when everything that had once seemed familiar, that had once been understanding, that had once been comforting, starts to lose its touch ... when everything that had been beautiful, withers away in the dark.

when the ugliness of mankind resonates in the atmosphere - look at those who take credit for what they did not do. look at those who pretended to be kind. look at those who claimed to care. look at those who said they would be there, but eventually never was.

a sudden chill ran through.

a sudden feeling of emptiness...

and when even the last reason to stay on has vanished ... is there anymore reason to stay on?

weigh it - what are the tradeoffs ? I questioned again and again ... without a concrete answer. Maybe there really wasn't anything worthy.

-Broken dreams-

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

At times I wish I could just end it all.
Life is but a bitch.
But what is holding me back?
I thought and thought ... and considered, if I would ever just let go and fall off the surface of earth, now that I have nothing, nothing at all, nothing left.

How ugly the world could be - when the people who are supposedly your kins betray you. Time and again, siding with those who wronged you, those who harmed you. Those who betrayed the people you loved. And this is supposed to be? Your kin. WTF.
How even uglier the world could be - when these exact people show you that blood relation is nothing. That people must be selfish, utilitarian, wicked, pretentious. That your children is nothing. That your sibling is nothing. Beautiful.
How very ugly the world could be - when we have to live through such things.

Maybe we should look into these issues before believing that life is any good.
Maybe we should consider that some people just don't deserve any family.

So what holds me back from falling off the surface of this very ugly world?

I still wonder.

Maybe cowardice? Maybe pride? Maybe responsibility?

Is there no where, no way that I can run away?

-Broken dreams-

Friday, February 05, 2010

fml.
and i always know when a bad thing is coming about.
it just doesn't go wrong, does it.
fml fml fml.

i wish someone could just fucking shoot me so i don't have to see this fucking ugly world.

fml.

-Broken dreams-

Thursday, January 21, 2010

"you do not hate the world unless you have embraced it."

it was because of all that had happened.
tears do not wish to fall, tears do not want to fall, but they fall because they can no longer be held back.
words do not wish to be spoken, words do not want to be spoken, because there is no-one to trust.
one does not wish to let go, one does not want to let go, but it slips away, silently.

and i continue to understand. i cannot help but agree.
but i wish no more. because wishing, is pointless.

-Broken dreams-

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

still have not forgotten.
for you.
but some words are unspeakable.

-Broken dreams-

Thursday, January 14, 2010

what happens when you fall into an irreversible trap...
addicted to..?

pretending everything is fine..
yet knowing it isnt.
what really happens to the mind.
the sub-conscious mind knows. knows what it wants.
but rationally it knows nothing.

-Broken dreams-

Tuesday, January 05, 2010

things are different ... indifference being the strongest factor.

doesn't matter anymore right.

-Broken dreams-

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

i'm back to this again, because i'm going through the same stages again.
but there doesn't seem to be able way out.
endless things come to an end. but how. how so. which to end?

and i am again reminded of the kind words.
contrasted with those that cause so much rage.

why is the world such a f-ing ugly place.

i do wish things would end, in my favor of ending.

-Broken dreams-

Monday, December 28, 2009

so there is some understanding, but everything reminds time and again that ... everything is unfeasible. that its not practical. that its not possible.

"Well so you've got to take care of things... " X said to me, "but then... who will take care of you?"

How did you know. Why say what should not be mentioned?
An instant loss of words.

-Broken dreams-

Sunday, December 27, 2009

when someone finds a good way to end it all; a painless dreamlike manner, tell me.
or a quick one too.
whichever, whatever works.
just that, the resources are difficult to lay hands on.

i no longer wish to ...

-Broken dreams-

Friday, December 25, 2009

its the season of giving. what a joke
HATES. DROP DEAD.

and now for the better side. lets count those that bring a smile
A1. A smile of helplessness.
A2. Another smile of helplessness.
B1. A smile of helplessness often reminded.
B2. Smiles, shakes head. More helplessness.
B3. Smiles, close eyes. Helpless.

Forget it.

-Broken dreams-

to the one ... happy birthday.
and it could be said, over and over again...

and how did i spend this day ...?
with a particular beautiful voice and captivating face that drowned out any anger... brand new.

-Broken dreams-

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

why must i time and time again be forced to face everything i do not want to face
why must all keep reminding me ...
why can't anyone leave me the little bit of sanity i wish to maintain?

when half the world is out to play.
i question again. and again.

go away.

but if that's not an alternative - why can't all end now.
stab me kill me shoot me. anything that ends it all.

-Broken dreams-

maybe i was not meant to exist.

-Broken dreams-

day after day the hatred swells.

and...finally, even the slightest bits of kindness fails to warm the heart.

-Broken dreams-

Monday, December 21, 2009

GIVE UP.

so much hatred ... that kills the soul, the mind, the heart.
but i'm unfortunately still alive.

and i continue to hate those people who pretend to know.

-Broken dreams-

i have mentioned, time again, how many times must i say it again ...
how much i hate people who pretend to know.
who pretend to care.
who figured out too late, yet assume they know best.
who pretend they know better.

yes i friggin' have a problem. So what.

-Broken dreams-

yea i've got a major problem, so what. so what.
it's not like i'm not aware. so what.
and yes i hate anyone who tries to violates that. so what.

if i can frigging leave you all alone, why can't you do the same?
why must you force me to see the truth when the truth so friggin hurts?
WHY?
why can't you leave me in my delusions just for the sake of sanity?

GO AWAY.
yes I have a major problem. So what.

-Broken dreams-

Saturday, December 19, 2009

when i turn back ... will you be there?

not any more..

-Broken dreams-

Friday, December 18, 2009

When half the world is out to play
I sit alone in that little cave
A-wondering, a-wondering
Why life, it has to work that way

Maybe it was all not meant to be. Maybe there really was nothing worthy.
Why should I have believed, ever, ever, that things could be ok?
Give up, give up. Give up. Stop hoping. Maybe by not hoping, things will really be better.

So maybe this is the way it is. Having stared at the walls for ages ... suddenly wishing they would enclose upon me and let it all come to an end.
Wishful thinking. Never works.

used to think, go. then it doesnt occur...cuz there was something to hold back. then used to think, maybe its alright. it isnt. then when half your world collapses on you, you find a vague belief that temporarily supports the thought to continue trudging in this mudpile of life. And finally when even this vague belief gives way...what else is left?
I mock - because I think.

maybe its time to give up. when there truly is nothing else worthy.

-Broken dreams-

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

the question still remains ... WHY.

-Broken dreams-

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

the fragility of life ... torn.
in years, in months, in days.

-Broken dreams-

Saturday, November 21, 2009

stop pretending to know, stop pretending to understand, stop pretending to care.

DESPICABLE.

-Broken dreams-

Thursday, November 19, 2009

разбуженные памяти

when there holds no second chance to fulfil the promises.
when the lightning illuminated the sky purple.
when all falls silent after a resonating roll of thunder.

what else is left.
what else is worth.
what else.

embrace the beginning of the end.
yet rationality prevails to undermine any wishful thinking.

when the void deepens.
when the schism widens.
what else is left.

how does it matter anymore...

-Broken dreams-

Monday, November 16, 2009

with nothing left ... how does it matter anymore.

and it will never be understood...

-Broken dreams-

Monday, October 19, 2009

how does it matter anymore.

-Broken dreams-

Saturday, October 17, 2009

what can be said when words are not enough...

-Broken dreams-

Thursday, August 27, 2009

how amazing things can be.
"it's amazing how we push ourselves over the limit, even though we thought we could never" ...

hear it from the cynical, skeptical me...
"are you skeptical about me too ...?"

"maybe one day when you find someone ... ... ... "
i don't think there was a point of discussion.

but thank you for understanding. thank you for being there. thank you for believing that I can.
thank you ... for the frequency.

thank you for ... making me smile. for getting me to understand something I may never have.

-Broken dreams-

Friday, August 21, 2009

sometimes just wishing to run away and hide.
pray so hard that things would go back to the past. have we not learnt, have we not ... have we never understood?
should i not have seen that things don't...? i should have known. but we continue to hope.
and who said we could keep wishing ... ?
what do we still wish for.

I just want to indulge in some joy and satisfaction.
yet everyday is tension, suspense, fear and agony.

-Broken dreams-

Monday, August 17, 2009

WISHING...
wishing that everything was a dream.
that things would be better.
that it was all unreal.
that time could unwind and turn back.

-Broken dreams-

Thursday, August 13, 2009

was the crazy essay a premonition...
why were all those little items kept in a litle folder, unknown?
why ... why...
asking why does not help.

-Broken dreams-

Friday, July 31, 2009

is it me or this freaking world going nuts.
ok it's probably me. so just stop me from staying around. just get rid of me. please i beg.
get rid of me. i did not choose, i do not have a choice no more.
it's this lousy attitude that's carrying me around floating around wandering around aimlessly.
it's not helping, it's not working. it's just patheticity.
and even a ghost of a smile ain't sustainable no more. becasue it was so transient that the frustration, sadness, anger, depression all creeps over it and overwhelms it...totally. hopeless. i mean me. hopeless. haha.
it's the beauty of language. but language is pretty much a bitch too.
get outta the way. i mean me. get outta the way.
this aimless ranting is pathetic.

i wish to hide and never come out to see the sun again.
last night ... jogging at night ain't good. at 3am? ain't good. ain't helpful. kills the mind. thinking it helps - it doesn't - more frustration. laughs. scared? scared of what? the running water...the shadows in the wind ... the cars zipping outside. what was there to fear? just fear. just frustration, fear and anger. anger for frustration, anger for fear. it keeps boiling.
don't run out at night. it ain't safe. but there was a need to. to get some fresh air. fresh air to enter the mind the heart the soul? but all lies. it doesn't help.

like some suppression some depression some tension forcing itself to engulf the pathetic soul. the warrior is gone ... ? maybe it never existed. definitely unexplainable.

-Broken dreams-

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

at a lost all over again.
there seemed to be nothing left...
where is the hope? ...

-Broken dreams-

Saturday, July 25, 2009

what happens when u feel like crying but you don't drop a tear. what happens.
what does it mean.

afraid ...

-Broken dreams-

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

the confused mind ... feeling down. feeling lost.
names ringing in the ears. images flashing in the mind. songs resonating across. it all seems a mess. the brain is a mess.
what is real, what is not?
what is the mind and heart thinking of?
what takes priority? what does not?
where can peace be found? where can hopes be found? where can truth be found?
when can the truth be exposed....
life is a bastard. it truly is.
the entire mind is thinking of .... of ... ? it doesnt even know what it's thinking of.
what a pathetic soul.
the eclipse. the eclipse reminds of some wonderful happenings...yet it saddens the heart to realize the future.
how ugly. how ugly...ugliness of this world, of reality ... of truth.
this voice ringing through the head ... kills all rationality. like a million thoughts striking through, without a chance to escape the pain.
why does it keep resonating. why.
why is there such sadness? what caused the sadness? the mind does not know. a myriad of reasons? what are reasons for? are they excuses to explain whatever happened? they are not reasons. they don't make sense. a pack of lies.
negativism. whatever it might be. it sounded good enough.
what is happening? what is happening ... ...

-Broken dreams-