Wishing And Hoping: Rant # 271

It's been awhile since I've had an honest to goodness rant on here.  I think it's high time that changes.
Having been a horror fan for decades, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to have some expectations of the genre. I've been thinking about how unsatisfied I've been with horror as of late, and I've come up with a laundry list of things I’d love to experience in the horror genre.
So without further adieu, things I’d like to see…in a perfect (horror) world.

How about some more Michael Myers-esque scares? And no, not the Rob Zombie one. Anyone can bash in a head with a baseball hat. I want more hiding behind clotheslines and hedges. More heavy breathing (yes, I said it). Throw in some stalking for me. Some creepy theme music cues while a knife shockingly hits home.

I want filmmakers to stop using so many ridiculously stupid means of death. To me, it’s infinitely more impressive it you just use a knife well, rather than taking the time to devise elaborate ways to off someone. I know a lot of people live for movies where people get trampled by sheep or stomped to death by a pogo stick, but honestly – I just want someone to get shot or stabbed for a change. Maybe pushed off a cliff, even.

I’d like to see more cats. Dogs always get all the play in horror. Usually the cats end up on the wrong side of a serial killer’s knife, or just utilized to strike fear into the hearts of man simply by being black and crossing the road in front of our lead character’s SUV. I say, give me a cat like the one in Alien. That cat had a real role. He probably got a salary. Maybe even more than the key grip.
And by the way, QUIT KILLING CATS, dammit! Just watched The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo the other night...grrr!  If you've seen it you know what I mean. Not cool.

Can we have some more voodoo?  There's just not enough voodoo! It's creepier than pretty much anything else in my book.  Take The Serpent and the Rainbow.  That snake slithering out of that mummified corpse-like bride?  Yep, I'm still having nightmares about that.  How about Angel Heart? God that was a great story. From the dank alleys of Harlem to the seedy and depressing slums and back roads of New Orleans, that film embodies all the macabre aspects of one of the most feared religions. In fact, voodoo (or hoodoo, vodoun, vodou - whichever folk magic you may have) just doesn't get enough play in horror, despite how famously frightening it can be.  So, more films like the The Skeleton Key, okay?  Or maybe one comparable to The Believers.  We could use some more Santeria in horror, don't you think?

I want real ghosts. Not this slinking down the stairs all covered in blood, mouth ajar, making strange clicking noises a ‘la The Grudge. While that was all well and good (and completely over-used), I want ghosts. Like in The Others. Her hubby back from war. The gardener and kitchen staff. And you know who else. Or maybe specters more similar to The Devil’s Backbone. Yeah! Where are the freaky floating corpses? The Woman in Black (2012) was a grand start, but let's keep this specter train a rollin'!  What we need are more films like The Innocents. Or like the '89 version of The Woman in Black. Let's go old school. Can we get on this, people?

Giallo. Now I know this is asking a lot. For one, I don’t live in Italy. Two, I realize giallo saw its heyday come and go back in the 70′s. But sue me, I’m having a purist moment. I want a mystery, I want black gloves, I want gratuitous nudity, I want excessive violence, I want scattered plots, and I want knives hitting flesh. I’d like Barbara Steele but we can’t have everything we want… (I can say thank you to everyone involved with Amer, though. That was much appreciated. More, please...)

How about a few stars that look like actual humans and not Victoria Secret clones and Abercrombie and Fitch models. I want to see “real” people die horrible deaths. Even the nerds are too good looking in most films. News flash, everybody can’t look like Cerina Vincent. I’m tired of everybody appearing like they just walked off the set of The Vampire Diaries (but regardless, thank you for that cast, oh television gods).

I want quiet horror. Subtle scares and tranquil moments of trepidation.  I want Session 9.  I want Let’s Scare Jessica to Death.  I want Ghost Story. I want Lake Mungo. Get it?

Here’s a thought. How about a good old-fashioned monster movie? Something on the lines of Frankenstein? A decent Godzilla-type flick? Now I’m not saying remakes, per se, more like an original idea. Hard to come by these days. I honestly can’t think of the last really legitimate monster movie I’ve seen. Yes, you could say The Wolfman was a monster movie, but it didn’t exactly give me the chills I got from watching late night horror like Universal and Hammer were so famous for.

I’d like a movie set at a creepy, run-down carnival or theme park. No, I don’t know why I want that, but I do. I love Carnival of Souls right down to my size 8's, so something of that caliber is what I’m looking for, okay? The Funhouse is alright, but I'm looking for more subtle scares that crawl under my skin and stay there.

Is it too much to ask for a good score? I’m talking music here. The last exemplary horror score I heard was Let The Right One In by Johan Söderqvist. I realize that wasn’t really that long ago (2008) but besides that one, I’m hard pressed to find something that impresses me as much as the soundtracks of yore. Like the awesome scores for Psycho, Jaws, and Halloween – all of which rely on a few singular notes to set a terrifying scene. Or how about a gorgeous score like Candyman by the outstanding Philip Glass, or my personal favorites…Ghost Story by Philippe Sarde or Psycho II by Jerry Goldsmith. I’m tired of all these electronic, one-man scores these guys punch out in a few days.

Stop making zombie movies dammit! If you're not The Walking Dead, I'm walking, so to speak. I’m so ever-loving tired of the living dead I could puke. Now I know a lot of people feel the opposite and are dying (forgive the pun) to see what’s next after Survival of the Dead…but I say give it a rest. Put it to bed, please.  Leave the zombies up to prime time, for now.
And while we’re at it, just to show you I’m not biased, cut it out with the vampires, too.
Okay, that was a blatant lie.
Johnny, come May you'd better not disappoint me...

What happened to movies like April Fool’s Day and My Bloody Valentine? Oh yeah, the eighties ended. Well we need an authentic revival of this type of unabashed horror. The House of the Devil was a stellar start, a real throw-back to the movies from that era. I grew up watching these films, and have yet to find films that make me feel the same way I did then – sitting on my couch eating Chef Boyardee pizza and sipping Cherokee Red with my best buds while we freaked out over Jason Voorhees. Then again, maybe there’s no bringing nostalgia back once you’ve left it behind for the responsibilities of adult-hood.
 Bah! I say bring it on!

A few things we really don't need (besides half-hearted remakes)? Movies that include any of the following:  killer sharks, long haired vengeful Japanese ghosts, sparkling vampires, apocalyptic destruction, matricide, women strung up in basements, barns or attics, and/or killer kids.
 
One last thing. Stop making movies that make me vomit. And no, I don't mean the new Piranha 3DD coming soon to a theater near you.  Though 3D films need to go away as well, what I am talking about is the expansive catalog of 'found footage' films.  They make me sick.  No, literally.  Like, take a Dramamine sick. And haven't we really had enough of shaky cam for now?  I reject any more Blair Witch wannabes and am certain to toss any 3D DVDs out my Jeep window at a high rate of speed. Just. Stop. It. (Literally stop moving the camera.)

So, am I just not watching the right films?  Should I stay out of multi-plexes? I'm looking forward to a whole heap of movies this year...let's hope my soul isn't crushed by lack of memorable horror.

Real Life Horror: A Rant About Xmas Shopping

Why do I do this to myself every damn year? I wait till the last minute, because life inevitably gets in the way, and then I am stuck at the godforsaken mall on the Sunday before Christmas.

I'm a relatively sane person. Most of the time. BUT... the holiday season gives me an anxious feeling in my gut starting about, oh..say, November 1st. They start pushing it down our throats at about 12:01 am and it doesn't end till the after-Christmas sales the second week of January. Black Friday should just be renamed 'the day we do not speak of' as far as I am concerned.

Thus this post, if you'll forgive me, is a peek into the horror I truly feel at dealing with the unenviable task of heading out to the mall. This, my friends, is real life horror - at its most reprehensible.

So I had a few things I desperately needed to get in order to have a Merry Christmas (well, in order for those around me to have a happy holiday - my relief was one-stop shopping at the liquor store!) and I found myself making the trek to the mall this fine afternoon. I had two goals: finish the damn shopping and make it home before the Steeler game came on at 4.
What happened from the moment I got in the car until I finally made it home (in time for kick-off, natch) is chronicled below. Bear with me.

People who take the carts out of Sears Grand ought to have their heads knocked off by those mall guards on the Segways. I do believe it says NOT to take them out of the damn store. But invariably some idiot with a couple unruly kids comes barreling down the small aisle in the literature section at Borders, one kid in the seat with his feet kicking his mom's crotch, the other standing up in the buggy section, pulling books off the shelves like cereal boxes. Why me?

And on that same note - what is up with those Segways anyway, I mean - seriously? How efficient would they be at stopping crime? I'm thinking I could probably out run any one of these yay-hoos if I had just snatched a purse or stolen a hot pretzel. What are the chances that the dude on wheels would actually catch me without running down some lady with a baby or a granny looking to buy a pair of crocs at the kiosk? They have to be the stupidest thing I've ever witnessed at the mall - and that includes all those Indian women trying to lather hand cream on my wrist. Gah!


A guy in front of me at a traffic light reached into his backseat and pulled out a flask (!) and took a swig. Um, DUI here he comes! (But you know, I was secretly thinking how warm and comforting a little swill of Jim Beam might have been as I waited for all the jagoffs in front of me to learn their colors - green means go, ass-munch!)
But I can only assume I'll see Mr. Johnny Walker alongside the road on my way home...

I witnessed an elderly woman get lost in Macy's. As I stood in line, I felt sick to my stomach as I watched her mill around near the women's sportswear, anxiously looking for...someone? She looked as old as God, with a long purple coat made of faux fur (as if there is a purple four footed beast out there in the hills of western PA somewhere), whisps of gray hair peeking out from under her black and gold (Go Steelers?) knitted cap, and a purse as large as a carry-on suitcase over her shoulder. She was wrinkly and sad, and finally took a seat beside the service desk without saying a word. I almost said something to her, but she shut her eyes so I didn't bother. Yes Grandma, we're all exhausted.


For those of you with kids, I apologize in advance.
It's certainly no secret that kids, in general, make me crazy. So when shopping, it's all I can do to avoid the toy section of every/any store in the lower 48. I just cannot tolerate looking at children's do-dads, novelties, and trinkets.
But here's the thing - many stores have surprise toy sections. As in, you'll be walking amongst the pots and pans, just looking for a 12 inch copper-bottom skillet, and wham! All of the sudden you turn the corner and are staring a display of Barbie dolls in the face. Ahhh! What the heck? Kids make me cringe, and never more than some snot-nosed little tot swinging a Barbie around by the hair whilst Mommy digs through her purse looking for that 15% off coupon.

Parents are, for the most part, less than stellar and pretty much let their kids get away with murder these days. They allow them to race through the aisles, open up the juice box or cereal they haven't even paid for, throw cheerios all over the floor, scream like wild banshees, and basically make everyone else - including myself - miserable. My mom would have given me shaken-kid syndrome if I'd have acted like that. Then she would have told me to wait till my father got home. Yikes.
Anyway, there were so many unruly children and so many tales to tell about this excursion that I don't have all day so I'll have to refrain altogether. Suffice it to say the little humans at the mall are my least favorite.
And don't even get me started about the line to meet and greet Santa Claus. That is an area to avoid at all costs.

Okay, so I know it's a cellular world and all that crap, but I did a little experiment when I went into the mall. I told myself I would try to find ten people who weren't either talking on, texting, or at least holding onto their cell phones for dear life and see how long it took me. Folks, I entered the mall at Borders and made it the whole way through the ridiculously busy crowds to the food court (a lengthy jaunt, probably a half mile at least) before I counted ten people NOT attached to their phone. This included the beast of a woman in front of me at the Hallmark store. (I did not, however, count mall employees - who if they could, I'm sure would have been on their cells chatting about how bawdy and uncontrollable the consumers were.) This woman had like, six Hallmark ornaments filling her arms as she still struggled to text someone. The line was like a football field long as it was (I'm exaggerating for effect) and she couldn't be bothered to move up in the line as it crawled forward. This irritated me so much that I almost threw down my cards and left. But I do have some heart left in my chest cavity and didn't want my elderly grandmother not to get her holiday greeting. I digress. Cell phones are everywhere. Which you already knew, as did I. But that's not what bothers me... it's how damn rude everyone is using them.

Traffic is utterly unbearable during the holidays, and today was no different. I am relatively lucky - it is a straight shot down a major highway to Pittsburgh Mills. Granted it is a boring 35 miles (!) but at least you can go 65mph. This is part of the problem though. I'm sure I'm not alone when I say I get a little nervous sometimes at people's driving habits. Not to mention the ghastly cell phone use we are all aware of, but what almost bothers me more is the tendency that some drivers have to ride up close to your bumper then back off. Like, I'm already going 75 mph (whoops!) - do you really NEED to go faster? Today I had a dude in a white Durango following me like a scene from Joy Ride or Jeepers Creepers. He kept showing up in my rear view mirror, taunting me into driving faster then backing off. He nearly had me convinced that he had me mistaken for some mob hit he was assigned to. Apparently upset that I continued to go faster than him and he couldn't get around me lest he drive twenty miles over the speed limit, he kept accelerating so much that I eventually caved and let my Jeep drop to 50 mph just so the bastard would pass me. Later when I turned off to the mall, I passed his car pulling into Smokey Bones (a rib joint). Guess he just couldn't wait to have that BBQ sauce. Prick. If it had been dark I'd have been totally wigged out.

Speaking of food, I had every intention of grabbing some delicious broccoli-cheese soup at Panera Bread when I set out. It never happened. I couldn't even bring myself to stop for a soft pretzel, I was so anxious to get out of there. It took everything I had just to get back to my car. I spoke with my husband and my friend Kristy (who talked me down from the ledge I'd climbed onto, so thanks for that, K) and drove away. Not before sitting in my car an extra three minutes just to piss off the lady in the Beemer behind me waiting impatiently for my parking space. Hey, I had to get a dig in somewhere!

I ended up scarfing down a steak taco at Taco Bell once I got closer to home and had calmed down. Best damn taco ever, I'm telling you.
But if that's not scary, I don't know what is.

Apparently, Dracula is losing to Twilight: Ranting on the current state of youth and genre fiction...

When I was oh, I don't know...eleven, I read The Shining for the first time.

What are kids reading today when they are eleven? Twilight.

Now I'm not above saying that I'm certainly glad kids are reading, but I've never really bought the whole idea that Twilight got kids to read again. I still think kids that are inclined to read, read. If anything got kids to read voraciously again, it was the Harry Potter series, not Twilight. Wise up, people.

A few days ago I saw a frightening little conversation taking place on Facebook (I think) somewhere regarding the Twilight movies and of course there was gushing and eternal love going on (by adults, no less) about the movies. A few of the commentors hadn't even read the Twilight books, but had only seen the films, and therefore made mention that "gee, they hoped the books were as good as Harry Potter!" - or something similar. I almost choked on my own spit.
That, my friends, scared the shit out of me.

Now I'm not saying J.K. Rowling is Jane Austen, but she's a far cry from Stephenie Meyer. Rowling's wonderful world of wizards, friendship and good overcoming evil is goddamned literary brilliance in comparison to the angsty story of handicapped vegan vampires and dependent, lusty teenagers.
And yes, I have read all four Twilight books, so YES, I have the right to my opinionated views.
Why did I read them, you ask? Hype and curiosity. Oh, and I like vampires. But the sparkly, depressing, non-fanged ones? Not so much.

I'm also not saying Stephen King is Dostoevsky, either. But he's certainly a better writer than Meyer, and I'm positive a whole load of other writers out there are as well.
Obviously though, it doesn't take talent to sell books. (Or honesty either - see James Frey if you don't believe me).
But if I were a parent in this day & age, I'd be so much more inclined to break my kids in on Rowling and then later move on to King - or perhaps Dan Simmons or Peter Straub if my offspring had my same horror-loving genes.

Leading a child towards the Young Adult section of any Borders or Barnes & Noble these days takes courage. Take a look and you'll see. 75% of all the books prominently displayed are vampire books. Now I'm not stupid - vamps sell. And I'm also not going to lie - I read almost exclusively vampire fiction in one form or another- some of it quite trashy in fact. But even trash can be well-written! So why do I complain? Because the books for teens seem to be so dumbed down. Intensely inquisitive, I've read more YA (young adult fiction) than just Twilight, and I've really not found one series yet that doesn't take an adolescent and force their reading skills down a few levels than where they ought to be at.

And many of you know I already have issues with Twilight's downer themes. At least with all the vamp books I read, no one wants to kill themselves because their vampire left them. One need only look as far as Sookie Stackhouse for an example of that. And so many books have strong female leads - not some depressed teenager who sits for three months staring out a window waiting for her true love to return. The more I think about it the madder I am.

Like I said, I was ten or eleven when I read The Shining, which for all intents and purposes is definitely well above a eleven year old's reading level. And I'm not trying to brag - I realize not everyone can read so easily. I completely suck at math. Everyone has their strengths and comfort zones. Mine was reading.
King is my favorite author, even more so when I was young and his career was just amping up - and he's a good writer. A great writer even. So is J.K. Rowling. The worlds they create are so vivid and lifelike you feel you are stepping into them, if only for a little while. But while I was pouring through Carrie, Pet Sematary and Salem's Lot in high school, I also found myself picking up my mother's gothic romantic suspense novels by Victoria Holt and the likes, and I read (by choice) Austen, Poe, Bronte, Shakespeare, Dickens, and the aforementioned Dostoevsky, among others. I'd love to find a sixteen year old that's read Crime and Punishment and shake his or her hand. I assume they're out there somewhere, but I can tell you they are no doubt sitting in the library and not texting the living hell out of their iPhone.
I've always read constantly, even now. And I still had plenty of time for activites and social events (read: partying) in high school. But there was nothing more sublime for me than reading Ghost Story by Peter Straub while jamming Pink Floyd in my headphones. And it's still my favorite book.

And what happened to books like Goosebumps? My brother read those religiously. Whereas those were before my time, I can proudly say I read every Hardy Boys & Nancy Drew book out there. At the same time I was honing my British mystery-solving skills by reading both Agatha Christie and Dick Francis (yes, I loved horse racing way back then, too!) after picking loads of them up at random garage sales back in the 70's.

It scares me, the dumbing down of our youth. And I don't even have kids. I shouldn't have to worry, right? Hell yes I have to worry! These kids will be running our country someday -yikes!!
And yes, I realize reading is essentially entertainment. I get that. But can we not forget reading is the most important life-skill you'll ever learn. Illiteracy is a huge shame, and a topic that is not addressed strongly enough, even here in the USA. In poorer parts of America, there are programs like RIF and Save the Children that provide books for kids - and you know what? It makes them HAPPY! They want to learn. And they don't need a cell phone or a computer to do it. Just someone willing to help. Now before I digress any further into the depths of the reading crisis, I'll just move on.

The fact that there are some kids actually reading just for the enjoyment of it and not sitting in front of their computers or big screen televisions playing violent video games 24/7 is a big plus. But while books like Twilight continue to dominate the shelves, the classics are slipping away. Classics we horror fans gravitate to like Dracula, Frankenstein, and the fabulous works of Lovecraft and Poe. I shudder to think of the response I'd get by asking a fifteen year old what 'The Tell Tale Heart' is. Oh, I'm sure there's a Cliff's Notes version out there, right? More's the pity. And don't get me started on the person I knew that thought Dracula was a movie first(!).

So why the bitch-fest? Because it's something that really grinds my gears and I just wanted to get it off my chest. I'm a huge fan of the (well) written word, and feel it is being extinguished slowly amidst a sea of crappy fiction being made into even crappier movies. And I know there are others out there who are equally as irritated - but some of which have kids that are sitting down right now to enjoy Gaston Leroux's (BOOK, not stage play or movie) The Phantom of the Opera as we speak. Thank God.

The Heresy of Remakes

Sorry folks, but I feel another rant coming on.
After enjoying another viewing of Dawn of the Dead ('04) last evening,


(Getting down with the sickness)

-it occurred to me how many horror remakes I have actually truly enjoyed. VERY FEW.
I mean, I can no doubt count them on one hand. Some are passable, such as The Hills Have Eyes ('06) and this year's My Bloody Valentine (though I detest 3D) - and some are absolutely reprehensible, like the shot-on-shot remake of Psycho. That just about makes me want to hurl thinking about it. And speaking of hurling, how about Nic Cage in The Wicker Man remake? It hurts my head to relive that again, so if you'll excuse me I'll move on.

In my humble opinion, the best remake ever was the 1982 re-do of The Thing.


(a very hairy Kurt assessing the damages)

That movie was poetry in motion. I live for the day movie makers get the stick out of their narrow-minded asses and give us something that worthy again. Could there be a better example of taking a relic of a film from the early 50's:


(The Thing From Another World, 1951)

-and turning it into an updated masterpiece of cinema? Okay, you get that I like it, right? [ The bad news? Another Thing remake. Help me.]

But on that same page, what were they thinking with that horrific remake of The Day The Earth Stood Still last year? Eeeek!
The original of that sci-fi flick was made in 1951.


(gotta love it)

Surely with all today's technology and CGI effects that film could have been far superior to the dreck they turned out. Of course, we may need to take into consideration that they cast Keanu Reeves. Never a good sign...


(Keanu looking all scary and stuff!)

Anyway, I got to checking around the web to see what other sickening treats are in store for us. Remakes galore are on the horizon and I can't say I'm too excited. Doesn't anyone have any orginal ideas anymore?
Alas...apparently not.

I'm sure you've all heard of the new Nightmare On Elm Street movie coming out next year. Well, I was a bit jazzed for it, cause the trailer (see it here) does seem fairly interesting. Yeah, but so did the trailers for the remakes of Halloween (sacrilege!), Friday the 13th (irreverence!), The Haunting (blasphemy!), The Omen (heresy!), House of Wax (profanity!), The Fog (mockery!)...need I say more? Now I'm rather skeptical because I haven't heard too many good things about the new Elm.

However, I am psyched about the new Wolfman movie (trailer here for those of you living under a rock) - and until I see it for myself and can pass judgment, no one will deter me from my high hopes. It really seems like a Bram Stoker's Dracula kind of remake (though again.....Keanu Reeves, really?).

Also on the remake horizon:

Poltergeist. (2011)
Say it ain't so. What could they possibly hope to add or delete from this one? Though to be honest I dislike both JoBeth Williams and Craig T. Nelson. Guess it'd be too much to hope for Bruce Campbell in the lead. And they better make the clown equally as frightening or it just isn't gonna cut it, okay?


(I can't tell who's over-acting more...)

Besides, with all the bad luck the original film had, if I were an actor you'd be hard pressed to find me acting in that one, sorry.

Clash of the Titans. (3/26/10)
You can see this teaser trailer here on my site. Not exactly horror, but you can't stop my heart pounding with glee at the thought of seeing this one, so don't even try. I love the ancients. They just don't make enough movies about classical mythology, and there's so much to work with.
The original Harryhausen production is a fantasy classic, albeit using the (come on, admit it) silly-looking stop motion animation.


(The Kraken. Not exactly what I'd imagined...)

But the new one looks like happily like a Gladiator-type film, with Liam Neeson playing Zeus and Sam Worthington as Perseus.



I can get on board with that, but I hope the Kraken is a little more foreboding.

The Birds. (release date unknown)
Okay, the first one was fairly hokey, but effective nonetheless. The sight of all those damn birds on the monkey bars? Creepy. But it is a movie about animals gone wild, and honestly, those movies are so hard to make convincing. Rogue was entirely satisfying, but Night of the Lepus...not so much.


(is that little girl's eyes crossed or is it just me?)

Thankfully, I have heard George Clooney and Naomi Watts are attached to star and will be directed by Casino Royale's Martin Campbell. Sounds better than expected... so far.

Scanners 3D. (release date unknown)
The only way this one could actually be better is if, since it's in 3D, the exploding head would send pieces of skull and brains flying into the audience. I mean, the effects in the original were stellar for that day and age.


(Michael Ironside just isn't thinking clearly anymore.)

The Orphanage. (release date unknown)



Just because a movie is in a foreign language does not mean it needs to be remade for us 'English-folk' to understand it. If you can't read subtitles then you're just a dork. Do I make myself clear? Next thing you know they'll be remaking Pan's Labyrinth. (And no, I don't want to hear it if they are.)

Hellraiser. (release date unknown)
Now this one has had my panties in a wad since I heard they were re-doing it. Ugh, ugh, and ugh again. Is there something that the first one was lacking? Oh my. Supposedly Clive Barker is at the head of the project, but recent news has been scarce, so who knows. And please, nobody does Pinhead like Doug Bradley, 'kay?




Season of the Witch. (3/19/10)
There is some confusion regarding this one. Word has it that Rob Zombie is set to remake the third movie in the Halloween franchise (the one without Michael Myers) but that he is going to add Mikey in this one (!!!). But there is already a movie in production with the same title starring none other than the awkwardly prolific, tax-avoiding, debt-ensuing, one-trick pony Nicholas Cage. It is about knights and witches and the Black Plague. Seriously.
God help us.


(Looks like the dog can smell shit a mile away...)

Of course then there is the rumor that George Romero wants to redo his 1971 Season of the Witch because it is the only one of his films that he didn't care for. So that title has alot of possibilities but garners little enthusiam from me on any them.

Night of the Demons. (2/2010)
With the original hailing from the late 80's, I figure this one to simply be another hack 'em-up-teenagers-are-gonna-have-sex-then-die kind of remake.


(The only still from the film I could find without breasts.)

Not like we haven't seen enough of that already. Did you know there were two sequels made (in '94 & '97) to that pretty much deplorable flick? Neither did I till I googled it. I'll pass on all counts. The original was really really bad, with more boobs than a mammography department. Not that I'm adverse to some nudity, it's a prerequisite to horror I guess...but in this quantity it may as well been a plot-less porno. It was as bad, that's for sure.

Piranha 3D. (4/16/10)
With the resurgence of 3D movies, I suppose a movie about flesh eating fish would be a given. No? Yeah, I wasn't quite getting it either.


(inner tubes and rows of sharp teeth don't mix.)

But there may be a glimmer of hope in the fact that it is directed by Alexandre Aja, who in my opinion has had a couple good flicks (Haute Tension and The Hills Have Eyes) and a couple mediocre ones (Mirrors, and producing credit on P2)... so I guess we'll have to wait and see. I'd have been more impressed if say, Quentin Tarentino was directing.
Oh, and Richard Dreyfuss is one of the stars. It's back to man-eating fish for the meandering star.

Mother's Day. (5/9/10)
Let me guess? They'll release it on said holiday. {heavy sigh...}
I'm just not getting the draw to holiday movies. Wasn't Halloween the I-Ching? Do we really need to go there? Aren't most holidays scary enough without capitalizing on them? Darren Lynn Bousman is directing, and if it's anything like his previous efforts on three of the six Saw movies, I guess you can tell what direction this film is heading. You want a good scary movie with mothers in the central plot just watch Mommie Dearest. Now that shit's bloodcurdling.


(NO WIRE HANGERS!!!!!!!!!!!)


Straw Dogs. (2/25/11)
I'm hoping this one will be worthy of later praise.


(Dustin Hoffman in the original)

The original (1971) was quite controversial due to a nasty rape scene, but considering it was an excellent if perhaps slightly overlooked film, I am thinking the remake could truly work. And I may be utterly biased when I say I'm psyched to see Alexander Skarsgard (Eric on True Blood - swoon!) playing the bad guy. Yum.

Dorian Gray. (9/9/09, UK)
Already released in the UK, this adaptation stars Ben Barnes (Prince Caspian) in the title role:



The original novel (A Picture Of Dorian Gray, 1891) was written by Oliver Wilde and is a classic in the gothic horror genre and one of my favorites. The previous incantation of the movie was made in 1970 and I have never seen it and cannot pass judgment. I don't know the release date for here in the USA.

And finally, in the category of 'well we can't make the name exactly the same', comes:
Let Me In. (2010)
I'd truly hoped it was an indecent joke when I heard they were remaking the fantastic Let The Right One In (Sweden, 2008).



Alas...not so.
I suppose it should be expected that when a movie gets a lot of hype and praise within the industry that someone would immediately latch on to the prospect of those American dollars ka-chinging in their pockets. The director of Let The Right One In, Tomas Alfredson, quoted the following: "Remakes should be made of movies that aren't very good, that gives you the chance to fix whatever has gone wrong". However, the writer of the source novel (and screenwriter for the original film), John Ajvide Lindqvist, is apparently excited that "the director will be adapting the novel from scratch rather than copying the original film."
For now, all I can get behind is the casting of the sensational Richard Jenkins as Håkan.

But frankly, I could spew large quantities of vomit at the thoughts of American filmakers getting their greedy paws on this foreign gem. Truly the best film in the vampire genre in the last few decades, Let The Right One In is a study in subtle terror. At times brutal, but always exceptional, LTROI was an instant classic, wickedly satisfying and not to be fucked (PMF) around with.
It's like remaking The Exorcist.
And please tell me that's not happening, or I'll poke my eyes out with the first sharp object I can get my hands on.

Ranting on Horror

Sometimes, I just have to rant. Usually it's not about horror, because I enjoy most of it so much. But a few things do stand out for me. And here they are:

*Just about can't stand Renfield's goofy laugh in the 1931 Dracula. Makes me want to chew off my arm.

*That chick in Open Water? I almost wanted her to get eaten. No wait...I did want her to get eaten.

*It annoys me that they demolished most of the Danvers State Hospital in MA. (setting for the brilliantly eerie Session 9) to put up apartment buildings. And how are those apartments not haunted? Former site of a Lunatic Asylum? I'm thinkin' yes. I mean, didn't they see the re-make of House on Haunted Hill?

*How is it that John Kramer (Jigsaw) still able to be in Saw VI - I mean, didn't this dude die in part 3? Cripes, you'd think he was Michael Myers or something. He just keeps showing up - even though he's dead. Just how many goddamned tapes did he make?

*At the end of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, why the hell does that fat semi-truck driver get back out of his truck to run away? If it were me I'd have made me a good ole tire-Leatherface sandwich.

*Could you really love someone enough to kiss their mangled, half-regenerated corpse like Julia does with Frank in Hellraiser? I'm thinking no.

*God, is Shelly Duvall ugly in The Shining or what? Almost makes Jack wanting to bash her brains right the f**k in seem like the right thing to do.

*Piano wire in Audition? Wow. Too bad you gotta sit nervously through the entire movie to get to that part.

*Annie in Halloween (1978)? Yeah, I'd have snuffed her out too. And Lynda's laugh could NOT have been more annoying. Right up there with Renfield.

*Why was it called Evil Dead 2 if it really is a re-telling/re-imagining? Cause that's what it seems like. Not that I mind.

*Worst scene in a horror movie for me, personally? That awful ferry scene in The Ring 2 where the horse runs off the end of the ferry and... well, I don't even like writing it.

*Most overused effect? That creepy stop-motion walking thing from movies like The Grudge and The Ring. It was scary the first few times I saw it. Now, not so much.

*Don't the flying spheres of death in Phantasm and the puzzle box from Hellraiser seem really stupid, now that you think about it? And did you know you can buy either online?

*Did anyone else forget that Wolfman Jack is actually in Motel Hell? So is Cliff from Cheers (John Ratzenberger).

*What was up with the end of The Beyond (a.k.a. The Seven Doors of Death - which is the title I own) anyway? It kinda morphed into a real WTF ending, didn't it? A wasteland of fog and death just outside the hospital doors? Huh?

*How come all the werewolves in The Howling were pretty goddamned frightening looking, and then Dee Wallace Stone turns into a cute, fuzzy, nose-twitching little she-dog?

*That 1999 remake of The Haunting - can we just pretend it never happened?

*The lead chick's name in Final Destination is Clear Rivers. Really?

*If your leg started bleeding enough to feed a vampire for a week (a la Cabin Fever) - would you keep on shaving?

*So, 'Let's Scare Jessica To Death' is supposed to be scary? Seriously? Ditto Dark Water, The Last Winter, Pulse, The Orphanage...... I could go on...

*Would you really swim through that underwater tunnel/cave like they do in Turistas? Especially with a questionable guide? One that wants your kidney?

*And speaking of other dumb ass things to do on vacation: Would you take the random route off the beaten path into the jungles of South America to find some old ruin when you could see the exact same thing with all the other tourists on something we call a legitimate TOUR? News flash: Mayan ruins all look the same.

*I still hate Tom Cruise as Lestat.

*Isn't Rob Zombie's House of 1000 Corpses just like an extended video of his? It's supposed to be, right? .....No? Oh, and his wife needs cuffed for that laugh of hers. I'm seeing a pattern of inexplicably horrendus laughing. Two words: Not. Scary.

*Would you wander around downtown Tokyo like SMG did in The Grudge?

*I'll admit it, I cheered when Paris Hilton bit the dust in House of Wax.

*I think Leviathan and Deep Star Six were actually the same movie with interchangeable actors.

*That sequel to The Lost Boys? All I can say is why?

*The scariest thing about The Machinist is knowing how much weight Christian Bale lost....then put right back on to portray Batman. Other than that, it's a convoluted mess.

*Isn't Rogue like the best movie about a giant man-eating crocodile you've ever seen? Really puts Lake Placid to shame. (Except Betty White - she was a hoot!)

*I hate that little kid in The Omen. Hate him.

*When will they stop making Final Destination movies? Yeah, I know... about the same time they stop making Saw sequels. And Halloween, and Friday the 13th, and Freddy, and Scream.....

*For the guys: Best nude scenes you've never seen? Kate Beckinsale in Haunted. Rent it.

*Speaking of nude, it's so hard to believe Adrienne Barbeau is 64, isn't it?

*That giant menacingly creepy rabbit dude (named Frank-?) in Donnie Darko messes with my head almost as much as the final scene of The Blair Witch Project.

*Ryan Reynolds: Yes, you have a major six pack. But did we need to see it 48 times in the Amityville Horror remake? Wait, yes - we did. It was the only reason to sit through that dreck.

*In Candyman, when Helen decided to check out the Cabrini-Green projects in Chicago, didn't you just want to slap her? I mean, I'd be more worried about gang violence than a make believe killer with a hook. Oh well.

*Next worse scene in a horror movie for me? When that asshole kills Chester - the horse in Cold Creek Manor - and throws him in the pool. Wait a tic...they never showed him actually doing it, which brings me to wonder - could someone actually get a horse into a pool? It would have made the movie more interesting. And as far as Chester's death, I think I was more upset than Kristen Stewart. What gives?

*What was with all the crazy vining tattoo action in Carrie 2: The Rage? Sissy Spacek didn't need any tats to wreak havoc.

*When I started seeing all those darn signs for Gatlin at every turn off, I'd have beat feet outta there. And all those cornfields? Creepy.

*Dogs must have a thing for consuming body parts: Examples? Dog Soldiers, Altered, The Breed, Cujo, Hostel 2, Trick 'R Treat... I'm sure I'm forgetting some.

*So if it wasn't his wife he was putting in the car, just what did the neighbor in What Lies Beneath wrap up in a carpet and throw in his trunk?

*I'm still frightened of black men in yellow slickers thanks to Creepshow 2.

*Why do they always kill the horses in these things...third worst scene for me? When all the soldier's horses are torn apart and mangled in Dead Birds. Should'a named the thing Dead Horses.

Ok, I'm done for now.

Picking on Pet Sematary

Just watched Pet Sematary again last night and I got to thinking how stupid some of the things were, and I just kept on truckin' through the whole thing...dissecting this, swearing at that...

So I thought I might share a few thoughts.
If you haven't seen it, you might not really "get" this. But who the hell hasn't seen it?

*When Dr. Louis Creed and his family arrive at the new house, it is obvious from the dialogue that his wife Rachel has never seen the house. Huh? You'd let your husband just go and purchase a house without you ever seeing it? No way would a woman do that. She'd want to make sure the kitchen was big enough. Does it have a dishwasher? A laundry room on the first floor? A decent backyard? Etc, etc... Believe me, she'd want to see it.

*His first day at the college, when Victor Pascow is struck by a truck and the students are bringing him in, they're muttering amongst themselves and someone says: "Get him to Dr. Creed!" As if they know who he is. I'm sorry... first day and all, I'm thinking nobody knows (or even cares) that there is a new doc, let alone what his name is.



*Church is one ugly f**king cat. And why didn't they just keep the damn cat inside?



*Speaking of fugly - Rachel's sister Zelda - the most god-awful looking person evah! Does Spinal Meningitis really do that? When I was a teenager and saw this flick, I was absolutely haunted by the scenes Zelda was in. "Never get up again...never get up again....never get up again!!!" Wow.


That had to be a man in that role. Pretty sure it was.

*Why on earth didn't Rachel's parents like Louis? I mean, their daughter married a doctor for Christ's sake. Most parents would be thrilled. Maybe it's just me, but he didn't seem like a dickhead to me. (Well, until he dug up his dead son...)

*As fast as those Orinco trucks go past the house, wouldn't you have put up a fence blocking the yard in, so your damn kid wouldn't go wandering out onto the road?




*More on that... Seriously, you'd just let your two year old take off in the yard with a kite? They're all laughing and carrying on while the kid chases the kite, not even paying attention.

*Speaking of Dead Gage, a few things trouble me. First of all, when they are at the funeral home and Louis's father-in-law starts the fight that dumps the casket, Gage's body is partially shown. Okay, now correct me if I'm wrong. I realize it was a closed casket, but would any part of him at all be still intact? He got creamed by a semi-truck for heaven's sake. He'd have to be mopped off the highway!

*At the cemetery later, when Louis is digging him up (nice.) - he's holding him in his arms. Yet again I say - this kid would be mush.

*Then, the cops drive right by and even shine the light on the dug up grave, a shovel propped against the stone and dirt heaped all around. Yeah, nothing wrong there.

*Something else that grinds my gears about the cemetery scene. How is it that Gage already has a tombstone? You have to order those. They take months. You can't get one in a day.
Aaarrrrggghhh!

*Oh yeah- when Gage comes back from the dead, he seems to be getting around pretty good. I didn't realize the Micmac Magic can put Humpty Dumpty all together again. And he still looked pretty good - face had a bit of a scar on the forehead, but if he looked that good you could've shown him at the funeral home/church, right?
Didn't he lose a foot at the very least? Or are we supposed to believe only his shoe came off and bounced on the road? Yikes.



*And why is his hair now nearly red? It was blonde. If he got that much blood in it wouldn't the funeral home have washed it or something?

*How did Gage know where his dad kept his medical bag, let alone that there was a scalpel inside. Why would a two year old even know what a scalpel is?

*That whole 'slicing the Achilles tendon' thing? Still gets me to this day. Nasty!

*If Rachel cuts off Louis's head (is that what we're to believe?) how is it that he screams? Wouldn't you be gurgling or whatever? Okay, maybe she just stabs him in the back?

"Daaahrling...."

Okay, I'm done.

I feel considerably better getting all that off my chest.