Once again, I visit this place.

Let me begin by saying I am fascinated at what stats blogger shown me the minute I login into this site. That I have people from Turkey and Moscow reading this blog.

What?

That was not what i intend to have when I created this blog. But oh well, hope it entertains you knowing my past.

Recently I've been venting my thoughts in another haven I created for myself.

I told a friend that one day, I would publish my blog into a book, for the people I love to read it and know who I really am. I want to leave this world and be remembered, not for the good but the bad as well. I have always pondered about this: Why are we brought to this world? To work hard, or provide for our offsprings? To have that one opportunity to fight for what we want?

 I imagined myself, gone the next day. 

The only wish I had was to be remembered, 

                                                                missed, 

                                                                        loved.

In my almost 25years in this world, I wouldn't say I have met many people, but I believe I have seen enough to know for myself, there are many types of love. The silent one, the person that gives all but silently muffles their need to be loved back. The loud ones, whom actions spoke louder than words, who expresses their care through words, action, behavior. The expectant love, who wishes love to be like a fairytale, with a prince charming who would come riding a stallion someday. The forlorn, Who have been hurt so many times, lost hope in searching for the one, who bottles up the heart and prays it would stop feeling for the wrong people.

I wouldn't say I am any of these per se, but everyone has a little type of love in them. We have people we will be willing to be silently suffering for, people we want to show them we care, people we hope could look at us like we are special, and people who would notice us when we try to hide in our dark corners.

Looking back, I never knew why people hung out with me. I have wondered if it was just because I am just... there.

Never had I felt special enough for anyone, only when my parents look at me like my accomplishments were theirs, I feel like I am loved. Hold on a second, I know you might think I am trying to make things look dramatic but I do have a inferiority complex. I see myself never as well as others, never as liked, never as wanted.

I think this is enough for tonight. Until next time.  

Hello old friend. It has been awhile.

A classmate of mine said : change is the only constant. As much as I dread it, I admitted it was a fact, and still is. Things have changed.

On facebook, I no longer feel connected in anyway, with anyone. I see it as a platform for people to garner attention from other. " Hey look at me! Like me!" or to share troubles and wished someone would bother to give a damn. I am one of those people.

What is it, about real life that pushes us to escape in these places? Even bon, I know all along, gaming was her way of running away from reality. Mum too, has been playing bejeweled daily, as a way of venting her inner frustrations.

This holiday, I have read a total of... at least 10 if not 20 novels. I borrow a minimum of 5 books each time and I still have a good 11 novels at home now as I'm writing this. Be it about a murder case, or vampires, I see myself indulging in the quiet moments when the only voice in my head is revealing a certain plot or a touching scene. Even this, is escapism. The world is such a horrible horrible place, huh.

Regardless of it all, I escape, to deal with my own issues. I think out of this world that I see, I have the most problems with myself. Not my mother, nor my friends, but me. I have a list of things i'm unpleased about myself and I chide myself whenever I feel i did something wrong, or bad, or whatever. I don't really know who I am, but I do know I have grown and matured as a person in these years. Being through life isn't an easy feat, but at least now I know when I'm gone.. at least one... one person I hope, would miss me.

***

It's not recent but bon and I have been talking alot and meeting up alot after her kids were born and as comfortable as I am with her, I never thought of being her bestfriend. It was until recently that she referred me as one, and well, I was taken aback.

This lack of distance emotionally freaks me out. I dont like getting close to people because the closer you get, the more vulnerable and weak you become. Yes.

"Those that were cold-hearted now, are the ones that used to care too much."

Etched. In my heart.

Timeless.

It has been awhile since I last blogged here.. or tumblr, so here I am again (smiles)

school is as messed up as always. I think It's because of this bad voice that's always blaming me for what I do. I think I'm such a bad person.. how?

There were times I ask myself, Why do I feel so alone despite the amount of friends and loving family I have?

Feeling taken for granted once again.