Funny Facebook Status Updates inspired by The Office

Dwight...

1. likes to think one step ahead...  Like a carpenter... Who builds stairs.
2. thinks that the best kind of bear is a Black Bear... Fact. Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica!
3. knows that the eyes are the groin of the head.
4. Has flaws. What are they? Oh I dunno, I sing in the shower? Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car.
5. needs to clarify something... Certain events have transpired and I've thought about certain things. And I'm sorry for the way those certain events transpired and I would just like to make some changes about certain things and certain situations with certain accountants.
6. is not offended by homosexuality. In the 60s I made love to many, many women – often outdoors in the mud and the rain – and it’s possible that a man slipped in. There’d be no way of knowing.
7. once kept a spud gun in my bag at work for almost an entire day. Can you imagine if I were deranged?
8. is not superstitious, I'm only a little stitious.
9. wonders if your parents are first cousins.... who are also bad at ping-pong?
10. thinks that the end justifies the mean
11. does not lose contests. He wins them. Or he quits them. Because they're unfair!
12. is wondering what is wrong with these people? They have no willpower!  I once went twenty-eight years without having sex. And then again for seven years!
13. thinks that nobody should have to go to work thinking, oh this is the place that I might die today. That's what a hospital is for. An office, is for not dying. An office is a place to... live life to the fullest. To the max. To... an office is a place where dreams come true.
14. doesn't "need" to be liked. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked. But it's not like this, compulsive, need, to be liked. Like my need to be praised.
15. thinks you have been cruisin' for a bruisin' for twelve years. And I am now your cruise director. And my name is Captain Bruisin!