Relax

Fault in our Stars

Friday night Nicole, Stacy and I went to the movie. We went and saw, FAULT IN OUR STARS.

Such a good, sad movie. The movie is about Cancer. Not a good subject for me. But what happened to me during the movie is what I want to focus on.

I loved the characters in the movie. The main couple is adorable. They create a love story that not many people have in this life. Short and sweet and to the point.

As the movie transpires you could hear sniffles throughout the theater. It went from sniffles to out right sobs. Then I noticed me. Brick wall. Not a tear. I tried to focus on my feelings.

I CAN’T CRY. I JUST CAN’T. IF I DO I WON’T STOP. IF I DO I WILL LET DOWN MY GUARD AND EXPOSE WHAT IS REALLY INSIDE.

I listened to the audience. Obvious of the tender emotions. I handed Stacy a tissue. [actually toilet paper that I had snuck into my purse………………..just in case]

More tears. more coughing to hid the outward sobs. Still not a tear or emotions from me. As the movie came to an end, I could not bear it any longer, and a lump grew in my throat and a tear trickled down my cheek.

I wondered how many , if any, had this disease affected.

This movie rang true to my life. To a relationship soaked in cancer. To living a daily life wondering. Hoping for the best. Praying for a miracle that it will not re-occur.

Damn. This movie made me realize my emotions. Guarded by the brick wall I have built. Protected by my pride.

It has made me wonder if my strength is just concealed fear. Tucked away and buried.

I know that I have been strong throughout this trial. [the trial that never ends] But if my heart is really being honest with me or deceiving me.

Why can’t I show my emotions? Just let them go?

I knew that would not happen in that movie theater. Not there. Not that night.

So as we exited the theater, my words were DUMB MOVIE.

But I LOVED the movie. I felt what they felt. I have not experienced me having it but my best friend. My eternal companion.

I think the show is a MUST SEE. I am grateful that I saw it. So grateful that it opened my eyes, and hopefully in time, open the gate to that brick wall I have built. It is all a work in progress, as all trials and hardships are.

Lesson Learned

There are days that I get really down. I start feeling sorry for my self. Wondering why me? Why this?

I have a sweet sister in law that has had glaucoma for some time. She had surgery in one eye a while back and it didn’t heal right. The pressure in the second eye got bad and she needed to have surgery in that eye but she opted to wait until after her 18th grandchild was born so she could see her. She saw and held her beautiful granddaughter and a few day later had her surgery.

Now we wait. Wait to see if the eye will heal right. Wait to see if she will be able to see at all. There are not many things in my life that make me sick to my stomach when I think about it, but this is one of them. 

I am so sad. So sad for her and so sad for me and the way I behave sometimes. It’s hard for me to put into words, so I think this will be the best way. I heard this poem many years ago and it has stuck with me all these years.

 

“Forgive Me When I Whine”

Today upon a bus I saw a lovely maiden with golden hair;

I envied her—so beautiful, and how, I wished I were so fair;

When suddenly she rose to leave, I saw her hobble down the aisle;

She had one foot and wore a crutch,

but as she passed, she wore a smile

Oh God, forgive me when I whine,

I have two feet –the world is mine

And when I stopped to buy some sweets,

the lad who served me had such charm;

he seemed to radiate good cheer, his manner was so kind and warm;

I said, “it’s nice to deal with you, such courtesy I seldom find;”

He turned and said, “Oh, thank you sir.”

And then I saw that he was blind.

Oh, God, forgive me when I whine,

I have two eyes, the world is mine.

Then when walking down the street,

I saw a child with eyes of blue;

He stood and watched the others play,

it seemed he knew not what to do;

I stopped a moment, then I said,

“Why don’t you join the others, dear?

He looked ahead without a word,

I realized –he could not hear.

Oh God, forgive me when I whine,

I have two ears, the world is mine

With feet to take me where I’d go,

with eyes to see the sunsets glow,

with ears to hear what I would know,

I am blessed indeed.

The world is mine Oh God, forgive me when I whine

Need I say more? She is an amazingly strong person. She loves her family and adores her grandkids. She is beautiful inside and out.

She is in my daily thoughts and prayers. We are all praying for a miracle.

 

 

Much Needed.

Words can’t express. They just can’t.

Last Wednesday, My girls and my Mother in Law loaded in the car and headed down to St. George for a girls weekend. Oh. My.

Like I said……WORDS CAN’T EXPRESS.

I have been in somewhat of a funk lately. A bad one. I needed this more than anything.

We left on Wednesday and drove in some pretty bad weather. Rain. Snow. Sleet and Hail. But we made it there.

Nicole figured out the TV. We knew it would be a “video watching weekend”

Thursday was beautiful. Perfect 75 Degrees. So we headed to the park.

Laid a blanket out on the grass and hung out in the shade.

That night we went to watch the sunset.

We were blessed with another beautiful day on Friday

Went to the town Square. Such a cute little water park. Ashton loved it!

…..and just hung out at the house. Jerry drove from Phoenix to St. George and met us there. 

Saturday….did some shopping, went and saw this beautiful statue at the Mortuary, made a run to Swig’s and had a lazy afternoon.

Headed home early Sunday morning so we could have a nice Mother’s Day at home……..but got stuck in Stopped Traffic on I 15 at Beaver in a blizzard! 3 hour trip took us 6 hours.

But.

We made it home safe and sound. JP cooked some steaks. Ryan and Michelle came over. Was the end to a perfect weekend.

Ryan and Michelle brought me this cookie. I laughed. This is why I get to celebrate Mother’s Day.

So many wonderful blessings. I am so thankful for my Mother, my Mother in Law and my kiddos. And of course my little Sprout.