7 Days Post Transfer

Well...not too much going on today...same old same old - AM I? AM I NOT? AM I? MAYBE I AM? NO WAY I AM... BUT ITS POSSIBLE...COULD IT BE? DON'T GET YOUR HOPES UP...BUT MAYBE? ITS POSSIBLE! ...just an example of my constant and annoying inner dialog.

I am a little concerned about the pinch I have in my left side...kinda near where the fallopian tube was aspirated...sortof showed up noticeably yesterday - a similar feeling to the feeling I had after Dr. S. did the ultrasound and was poking around a lot. My fear is that it's filled back up...because I think I can feel the pressure. It kept me up last night...not because it was painful, but more because I worried all night about the fluid seeping into my uterus and damaging a potential pregnancy.

I also have a lot of pain in the progesterone injection sites - on my butt...talked to Judi about that today and she said its because we're doing 2cc's of progesterone and that's "a LOT". The site is so itchy and sore and red and bruised...we'll have to stay away from the left side for a couple of days...the thought of sticking a needle in there again? Brrrrr!! No thanks. Judi suggested (if I am in fact pregnant and we have to continue for 12 weeks) that we inject 1 cc and do a vaginal suppository. EEEWEE!!! I'll stick to my bruised arse thank you.

New plan on testing. I walked up to Dr. Thomas' office at Mount Sinai today (one floor up from mine - its so convenient) - she's the doctor that did a laparoscopy on me a year and a half ago...I really liked her but her receptionist gave me some trouble recently and I had to march up there and ask her what her problem was (she wasn't returning my call). Anyway, went up there today and said "do you remember me - I went to S.F. to do an embryo transfer." She said oh yes! of course - how did that go, etc., and I told her that it went fine, but I don't have anyone to do a beta for me (blood test to see if I'm pregnant) and she said "no problem - here you go." and gave me a requisition. So that is great - I will do that on Monday...Judi in S.F. said Friday was too soon and that I could not rely on a negative result on Friday if I got one...so what's the point? I will just pee on a stick on Saturday morning and hope I see that + sign for once in my sorry life!

6 Days Post Transfer

Well...woke up this morning to the same heavy feeling in my uterus. I seem to be constantly aware of the area, like there are two fingers pointing to it at all times.
Had a pee in the morning and noticed a little pink on the paper...which instantly had me in a good mood. See IVF-ers or ART girls generally spot during their pregnancies...not sure why but they just do, and a little moment of spotting around 6-7 days past transfer could be indicative of “implantation” spotting...the embryo burying into the uterus, and thereby causing a little bit of bleeding. I didn’t have this any any time during my last two IVF’s, and I think it’s too early for my period, so I can only hope the difference is a good thing. The ONLY thing is...progesterone can cause spotting – DAMN PROGESTERONE (shaking fists).
So anyway, I’m taking it as a good sign...still cramping a little...much earlier than last time which was closer to getting my period...I am still a week away from testing/getting my period – this is all happening early – so keep your fingers crossed that this is all a good sign.
Thanks for stoppin’ by.
x

5 Days Post Transfer

So all of today's symptoms can be explained away... I am so scared that all of these symptoms are going to be nothing more than the drugs I have been taking. What a shame - and to be completely honest with you, I thought FOR SURE my last IVF worked - I just thought, "this is it!", because so much was going on in my body, but it was the drugs all along. I feel the same way this time... and I'm so scared I'm going to be let down again. Not sure I could handle that right now...I mean...then what? What's next...I dunno...feeling a bit blue today - had a blowout fight with Chris which hasn't happened in a long while and apparently he doesn't care one iota that I'm a walking drug store, being pumped with hormones and potentially pregnant.

Stomach feels bloated - but Doxycycline makes you feel this way. I'm also having a slight bit of difficulty swallowing - not feeling ill at all - just feels tight in the throat - also a side effect of Doxy...what else...

hmmm...

Burping a lot! Cramps still...lower back feels tired. Every once in a while I get a large "hic!" like when you're eating McDonald's (not that I ever have McDonald's) but then you take a big sip of coke and you instantly do that big "hic!" thing?? You know what I mean? Those randomly happen.

Well that's my body in a nutshell today. 6 more sleeps...then I PEE.

4 Days Post Transfer

Well today is a crampy day – they didn’t really stop before going to bed last night and since waking up they’ve become stronger, but not sharp – a dull achiness, kinda like period cramps. Went grocery shopping with Chris today (miracles never cease) and thought having him there would be helpful. ..but noooo, he has to play “evade Lisa with the shopping cart.” So I would catch a glimpse of him at the very end of an aisle, only for him to quickly disappear. Thought he was soooo funny – showing up miles away, but only for a moment so I could catch a sliver of his face...then he’d slip away. Meanwhile my arms are full of groceries, my back feels pinched and all I want to do is sit down. He wasn’t even visible long enough for me to give him a death glare.
But in all fairness he was helpful in the end...went to work at the checkout and loaded the car and told me to go and lie down while he put away the groceries. Even wiped down the fridge...shocker! We like him today and will not nag him again. Today I said.
Yeah, so back to the cramps...I, of course, have become completely and utterly obsessed with Googling “4 days post transfer cramps” and although it appears to be a very good sign, progesterone is what a body will NATURALLY start producing when its pregnant and this is what causes the uterus to expand/contract...so really...who the hell knows since I’m manually pumping in 2 CC’s of the stuff! Speaking of my ass looks like Princess Leia with two huge lumps on either side...and it doesn’t feel so nice either. One more innocent smack of the ass from Chris and he’ll be very very sorry...I have warned him twice now. I guess its automatic.

3 Days Post Transfer

VERY aware of my uterus area – it feels heavy/bloated...kinda like gassy but the gas never comes out! I get the occasional pokey scrapey feeling but I am certain it’s because I’ve been paying such close attention, like, I’m certain I had the same twinges when I was, say, 24, but I was just too busy bustin’ a move on the dance floor to notice. I did also have a needle stuck up my hoohaw the other day which can’t be too much fun for the nether regions. Some recovery is surely required...
Oh, and don’t you think it’s a hoot that pregnancy feels EXACTLY like you’re getting your period – so you can’t really ever know...until you know...you know? And don’t forget the progesterone being pumped in daily which makes you have sore boobs and uterine cramps – that’s a for sure head game...and the estrace – what the hell does that do? Well I’m not sure but I’m guessing it makes you feel PREGNANT!
I’ve gone down this road many times before...I can convince myself of just about anything. I will tell you this...I do have a hunch one way or the other but unfortunately I am not at liberty to divulge.
Stay tuned...

I'm eating for 3!

Ok! So we are officially stocked up with embryos. 2 to be exact. One is a lovely "good" grade 8 cell embie and the other is an "average" 5 cell...the 3rd degenerated, but Dr. Sohn was feeling very optimistic - thinks we have a very good chance of 1...possibility of 2...but he said "our goal is for one healthy baby."

He's so damn nice...really a very caring doc...was a little apprehensive at the start of the week but thinks everything went as well as it could have!! Here's our future... I'M SO HAPPY!!!! I think I need a 2nd bagel...

ps - forgot to mention Chris reminded me that our Day FIVE embies never reached 7 cells (these are Day THREE - shown above - yes those are ours!!)...so...FINGERS CROSSED EVERYONE!!!

Picking The Kids Up at the Rink...

Well today’s the day! I am excited but a bit confused about what my body is doing to me. Yesterday had a very successful aspiration with Dr. Sohn. He said that the fluid was clear and not infected and suggested that it was likely more fluid left over from the HSG I had done in December – so that was the best possible outcome because I suppose that means that my body isn’t producing the liquid on its own, and hence won’t fill back up??? I dunno – I think that’s the way it goes...
Soooo! I’ve to take Doxycycline, IN addition to the Estrace, the progesterone, the Medrol...it says to take the Doxy on an empty stomach...HA HA HA...very funny. Woke bright and early and took the pill. Thought I won’t have coffee this morning since I HAVE TO TAKE VALIUM as well, and decided to go across to Starbucks to get Chris a coffee and me just a tea. Well as soon as I had 2 sips of tea the world started spinning – and then there was chaos. Projectile violent vomiting. Lovely. I am finally a bit better – its 9:00am and I’m supposed to take my Valium...I already feel like a walking drug store and the thought of taking more drugs...gaaaack...my wee body can’t handle so much. I am eating dry toast right now – 2 slices of dry toast at the Clift Hotel will run you $9.00 + tip...FYI.
Ok off we go!! Hope the embryos are good and healthy!!

Chris is funny

Ok Chris just made me laugh so hard I almost spat my drink all over the keyboard. He’s never been a “robe” man...thinks they’re girly - but he just had a really hot shower and wanted to give it a shot. Put the robe on and said “OMG – its like being ensconced in fleece! Who knew?” Well we all did...actually. He’s now talking about inventing terrycloth pants.

SF – Days #2&3 – Touch...and GO!

Ok. So Day 2 was a bit of a nightmare. Had the ultrasound only to discover that I have fluid in my left fallopian tube, which may have an effect on the embryos. The problem arises if the fluid seeps into the uterus – if it’s a bacterial infection it can sabotage the embryos. DEVASTATION. On Day 2 we were told to enjoy San Francisco, return to Canada, have a surgery to REMOVE the fallopian tube, and come back when things were clear. We know this was not easy news to deliver, and it definitely wasn't something we wanted to hear when everything we've done for the past 3 months has been all about this. The excitement, the drugs, the lawyers and organization, the hope the waiting...only to be dealt another crimp in the plan. Hope returned in the form of Option 2, which is to asperate the tube, remove the fluid and hope that it doesn’t build up again. There is no saying how long this took to build up in the first place...we can only hope that doing an asperation will nip this problem in the bud...and hope that the fluid doesn’t return, and if it does...pray it is slow to develop.
So...onward and upward. We go with Option 2. Getting to this decision wasn’t easy – there is so much to consider, but we feel confident with our decision. We came here to do this...we’re doing it.
Sunday we go for an operation to remove the fluid. Dr. Sohn waived his fee which is really helpful since this extra procedure costs an additional 3 grand and obviously wasn’t something we budgeted for. He really is all business, but it’s also obvious too that he is very understanding of the emotional impact this has had on us.
I received a call from Judi today – she’s the coordinator. She said that everyone EVERYONE is pulling for us and gave us a story of a woman who they truly didn’t think stood a chance, and is now pregnant. Apparently her lining wasn’t very good. I’m glad to report that Dr. Sohn said right off the bat that my uterus/lining was perfect...let’s hope that helps our cause.
FET is still scheduled for Monday...so thank GOD this trip wasn’t for nothing. I really don’t think I could have handled leaving S.F. without the transfer...that would have really done a number on me...I’ve come too far to turn back empty handed.

SF – Day#1 – Arrival!

Well despite 20 minutes of hell and certain death (turbulence) we arrived safely! Got to the hotel about 1pm and managed to check in early which was good – didn’t occur to me to arrange early check in, but it was no problem and they upgraded us to a “suite” which was unexpected and fantastic! So we have a sitting area with a TV, and then a bedroom area with TV...so Lisa doesn’t have to watch “How it’s Made” and “Mega structures”. YAAAAWN. Kidding there will be very little time for TV.
Went out straight away and walked what I think was west (up??) and did a big circle around. It’s such a great area we’re in – Union Square – obviously the shopping district. I think Janice’s intentions were good but she mustn’t know about my little shopping...”challenge” I prefer to use in place of addiction. There is a pair of shoes at Stuart Weitzman calling my name...only $225. I think that’s doable don’t you? I also found a pashmina for $500 that I really like. I walked into the store, stood in the middle and did a 360 degree turn and then pointed to a pashmina and said “this is the one I like”. He said “oooh, you have very good taste – you picked the most expensive one in the store!” Well duh!
THANK GOD Chris was still getting a coffee at Starbucks – he would have had a field day with that comment.
Went to a restaurant called “Perry’s” – Chris had the burger – and I had the salad. Once again Chris’s dinner kicked my dinner’s ass. I had his pickle though. They had these really skinny bread stick things that I THINK were decoration, and I was tempted to eat one...Chris said “look honey, no one else is eating theirs...when in doubt do what the locals do.”
Back at the hotel now – we’ve been up an awfully long time and are now using toothpicks to keep from falling asleep too early. Big ultrasound tomorrow with Dr. Sohn. Hope all goes well!!!

Tracy Lied!!

She said it would be smooth sailing from here on out... I figured after almost burning the house to the ground and the passport incident that I had paid my dues...but no...we all know that bad things happen in 3's.

I'm happy to report that bad thing #3 happened tonight. A large glass measuring cup high up on the shelf dropped and landed on my middle finger and mangled it. I look like ET with a big swollen black finger with a big crust of blood. I have syringes in the house and it has occurred to me to put the needle in and suck out the blood because it is FULL...and tight.

On the upside that's 3! No more back luck will come my way...knock on wood.

(and yes, it took me 2 hours to type this)

Lost and Found

I have learned my lesson – a few times...or at least I thought I had. I booked a trip once in my early 20’s only to discover a week before traveling that I needed a valid passport to go there. Not having one, I went to the passport office. They said “you need an expired passport or a Citizenship Card to get a passport.” I knew I had a citizenship card...I just couldn’t find it anywhere...and I never did. The passport was obtained, but it was not easy to get – and it caused me and my mother a LOT of unnecessary stress. The whole ordeal, in combination with the student loan debacle, which we won’t get into or I’ll start to cry, was enough to make me change my ways. I swore that I would have ONE spot for all important documents, and I would diligently pay any bills and stay on top of my finances.
Fast forward to today. Being the cautious person I am, I thought I better have a quick check to make sure everything is in order for our travel to the US on Wednesday. I went to “the spot”...but there is no passport. 2 hours later I am in a panic – crying to Chris that it’s gone, and that the flights are in my maiden name because my passport is still my maiden name, but the rest of my ID is in my married name. And besides that I think its mandatory now for all passengers flying to the US to have valid passports. 2 DAYS PRIOR TO TRAVEL and I’ve lost it. Gone.
Sick...I was just sick about it. How could this have happened when I am so careful? Why do these things seem to always happen to me? What what what if I hadn’t checked today and I went to get it on Wednesday morning – can you imagine how upset I would have been – having to travel for something so important, only to be dealt that blow 2 hours before a flight???
I looked everywhere – keep in mind we have only been home from Florida for 3 weeks...so it’s not that long ago I saw it. Not having it handy meant something was up...something bad. After searching bags, suitcases, jackets, purses, envelopes, drawers, piles of bills, piles of random stuff many many times over I was resigned to the fact that I wasn’t going to find it. It wasn’t anywhere it could have been...it was gone.
For whatever strange reason I went to the 3 foot pile of newspapers that was waiting for recycling day at the front door and plunked myself down...tears running down my face. As I started taking newspapers off, I thought this is so stupid – it’s not going to be here...but my mind was elsewhere – searching frantically for some memory that might lead me to my passport... I was just about to give up when I took off the last paper...and there it was...ready for the recycling truck.
Apparently I didn’t learn my lesson. Sick about it...just sick.

The Enemy

Google is not your friend. Google has done quite a bit of research for me and it turns out donor embryo transfer success rates come in around 15-20%. This is a sad stat…that I am not at all comfortable with. I much prefer the optimism of Dr. Sohn who gave us a 50/50…but why?? Is Google being conservative to protect my feelings? I can’t imagine that as half of the info Google provided me was from agencies who MUST want to lure prospective customers with their alarmingly high success rates. Sigh…20%?? I wouldn’t even be comfortable with 70%, never mind 20%.

Anyhoo…its Friday morning and I refuse to let this bring me down. It’s going to work and that’s that. How can it not? They are good quality embryos and my uterus is pink and fluffy. IT’S GOING TO WORK.

Owie-owie-owie-owie-owie

Lupron and just a dash of Estrogen = good times. My head is slammin' and I don't mean slammin' in the Rob and Amber kinda way... More like my head being slammed in the door kinda way.

8 more sleeps.

When I was little my dad was the chief engineer on the BC Ferries. He worked in the noisy engine room and when I visited he would give me ear muffs to wear. I can’t remember now if mum, Mike and I were actually going somewhere, or if I was alone and this was more of a “well we don’t have a sitter so take her on the boat” type thing. Anyhoo, my point is that dad would throw me a five and I’d head to the cafeteria...for the toast. I have never to this day had toast quite like it. It was white bread, I remember, and it was so perfectly toasted...and it always had just a little too much butter pooling on it which was fine by me and cut into triangles – which was different than I was used to and I’m sure made it taste better. Anyway, I wrote a poem – about the toast – I did – because it deserved its own poem.
I feel this way about wine I’m drinking tonight – its delicious and I feel like I need to write it a poem to acknowledge it. Or is it that I’m gearing up for a wine free 9 months and I’m already feeling nostalgic...a good and positive sign no?
Its our wedding anniversary today! Yep 2 years ago Chris and I were Maui'd – what a great day...and what a great wedding. It should be duly noted that Chris and I have had more than the average newlywed’s share of challenges, and are still going strong. Ok enough said because the rest is our business – but let it be known we had a very nice day.
Started the Estrace today and although I’m anticipating headaches and nausea I’m happy to be starting as it only means we are getting closer to the date. 2 weeks today and we’ll have those little babies transferred...I hope they stick...STICK DAMMIT STICK!! Is it too much to ask? Don’t punish them just because its fun to punish me?! Don’t drag the kids into this.

The Drugs...

So just for fun I thought it would be "neat" to find out how people feel on Estrace (which I am starting on Monday). Here are some encouraging quotes from a forum related to Frozen Embryo Transfers.

"I feel Like ****!!
I'm hot, feel sick to my stomach and not hungry ( I'll take that one )..."

"I have to say that I feel worse on Estrace than on stims."

"I've been on it for over 3 weeks now and the longer I am on it the more I hate it."

"I get nasty headaches from it."

"I initially had put I felt fine but today - CHANGED my mind! Wow i feel awful!"

So...yeah...that's something to look forward to. Hell I don't care - as long as it gets me a bub or 2! HEY! No one said this was gonna be easy! That's all for today.

I feel like such a health care professional! Now I know why Chris felt so empowered when he gave me an injections – a little TOO empowered at times…telling me to “shush!” when I asked for him to alter his injection technique just slightly. Seriously he was having none of it – it was almost comical. I mean the guy was good – a pro, I’ll give him that, but don’t you think the injectee (being me) is entitled to a little say in how it all goes down? Anyway, I kinda dig doing it myself! Its like something else I can do. Not only can I do a mean makeup application and process your paycheque, but I can also administer you a shot if you like. And I will even be nice about it – unlike those witches at the clinic. I should get lollipops for my patients.

The Lupron Headache has officially kicked in...big time. I'm wondering if when I start taking the Estrogen it will balance out. Either that or I will be a raging maniac of a woman. Run for your lives! I asked the gals on the site if they remembered any symptoms and they pretty much all had headaches. So now I have one…not at ALL psychosomatic. Seriously though when they mentioned headaches I thought I probably wasn’t taking enough to make a difference, but I think it just took a week or so to get into my system because its here...right on my forehead.

So I’d like you all to be prepared for the fact that getting pregnant may NOT be the end of this struggle. It will be a damn good thing and a step in the right direction as it will indicate that I am ABLE to get pregnant, but miscarriages for donor anything are quite high – or maybe it is the same as regular pregnancies, not sure, but I did some research and its like 30%. With my luck (SORRY MOTHER!)…well I won’t finish the sentence because she’ll give me the business.

Oh...just for fun...I had a visitor today at my desk at work. An obnoxious employee I have to fake smile at, at the best of times. She YELLED “why aren’t YOU off on mat leave – all the rest of your buddies are?” I said (stupid me), “well, we’re working on it.” What I should have said is that I HATE kids because I could care less what this person thinks…and do you know what she said? Say it with me everyone…“YOU JUST NEED TO RELAX.”

Seriously people… For someone in my position it's quite possibly the most infuriating thing to hear!

La-la-la...14 more sleeps!

11:11 - Make a Wish!

This only works for the chosen ones, but this one feels guilty turning her nose up at the opportunity simply because it’s never worked…so I’m making a wish…for the 1,196th time.

Feeling much better today thank you very much. Friday was, well, bit of a disaster but onward and upward. Back to work today which isn’t such a bad thing really…lots of emails but no disasters…can’t complain.

Doing the Lupron injections myself. I know I know…but when I read the “must be done in the AM” note on the sheet my palms went sweaty and my heart started to race. Chris and I coordinate injections in the morning? I would rather pluck out each eyeball, batter and deep-fry them, and have them for lunch. Last IVF Chris and I giggled about the fact that I simply could NOT will myself to do my own injection…hands trembling, etc., but see, there’s a reason Chris and I stagger our mornings…a very good one… I had a vision of how that might “go down”, and lets just say I’m glad I got up the nerve.

Love the guy but he’s still possessed by the devil until about 9:30am and prickly vs Lupron injections do not a good mix make…you know?