Into the wilderness for Lent

So Eccles prepared to go into the wilderness for Lent. On the day before Ash Wednesday the world had celebrated a big festival: formerly called Shrove Tuesday, it was now universally known as Pancake Day, being a day when all mankind - except for the starving millions - was obliged to gorge itself on pancakes. Apparently, this was in honour of the blessed St Pancake, a Roman martyr who achieved immortality by having a railway station named after him.

The face of St Pancake appears in a plate.

Enough of this foolery. Lent arrived, and Eccles retreated into the wilderness. The first wilderness he tried was the desert of Telegraph blogs. Here there had clearly once been a great civilization: people spoke in hushed tones of the legendary Damian Thompson, James Delingpole, Tom Chivers, Daniel Hannan, and the millions who hung on their every word.

But when Eccles arrived, he saw a deserted wasteland. In one corner, Judith Potts was gallantly carrying on her popular series of "cancer" posts: "Why cancer can be fun", "Make the most of your cancer", "How we grew to love cancer", ... and so on. In another corner, there was still Pete Wedderburn with his "furry animal" blog: "Why the possum is man's best friend", "Give your mother a scorpion for her birthday" and "A gorilla is for life, not just for Christmas".

One of Pete Wedderburn's remaining fans.

But apart from that, nothing. No Toby Youngs, no Norman Tebbits, not even a humble Geoffrey Lean. What calamity had struck the Telegraph? All Eccles could find was a broken statue, bearing the following words: MY NAME IS DAMIAN THOMPSON, KING OF KINGS, LOOK ON MY WORKS YE MIGHTY, AND DESPAIR...

Lies, all lies...

Eccles moved on to the Guardian, well-known as a wasteland full of dangerous creatures. There he suffered three temptations at the hands of Giles Fraser. At this point, some readers will say "There is no such thing as Giles Fraser. He doesn’t exist. At his best, he is a very human projection of ourselves and our darkest nature." But still, the legend goes as follows:

Fraser showed Eccles his Guardian articles and said: "If you are a saved person, then turn these stones into spiritual nourishment." But Eccles replies: "It is written: 'Man cannot live on the words of Giles Fraser, but only on words that come from the mouth of God.'"

Then Fraser took Eccles up to the moral high ground, from where he could look down into the abyss of Radio 4. "Jump in," he said. "If you are a saved person, then the Lord will protect you from the Today Programme, the Moral Maze, and all other places where my views are to be found." But Eccles replied, "Don't tempt me to turn on the radio. Please."

Can Radio 4 really lead you to Evan?

Finally Fraser showed Eccles all the United Kingdom and its splendour. "Bow down and worship Ed Miliband," he said. "and a new socialist era will dawn, in which children may learn all about homosexual relations, yeah, even at the age of five. What's not to like?"

But Eccles shouted "Get thee behind me, Fraser!" and left for another wilderness.

Eccles flees the human projection of our darkest nature.

To be continued.

Dr Bosco solves your problems

My bruvver Bosco has started giving out meddical advice.

Q: Dear Bosco, I am suffering from a sneezing fit. Can you help me?

A: Yes, of course sister Jessica. As well as being the only saved person round here, and known for giving helpful advice to Jesus, I am of course a skilled plumber and concert-standard nose-flautist. What is less well known is that I took a one-day course in medicine, which means that I know more about curing colds, flu, and allergies than any quack Brit MD who deserves to be thrown in the trash.

Bosco performs Mozart's 3rd Nose-flute Concerto K.999 with the Los Angeles Philharmonic.

Q: So what do you recommend, Bosco, dear?

A: I've found that Jack Chick's vitriolic nasal spray will remove your nose problems in no time. Don't bother with antibiotics, antihistamines, or Anti Moly's gin - just order your concentrated H₂SO₄ over the Internet. Or of course Chuck Smith's hydrofluoric acid nasal spray is even more potent...

Q: Thank you so much, Bosco, darling, but...

A: ... but of course it doesn't work unless you are a truly saved person who hates Catholics and is waiting for the Rapture. Next patient, please!

Saved persons sitting on a cloud at St Pancras station.

I gets a Lobster award

Dis probabbly aint as spiritaully nuorishin as my usual posts, but Bruvver Ben Trovato has given me a lobster award, wot is sposed to help poeple wiv bloggs wot noboddy reads. Thanks, Ben.

A lobster.

O.K. Let's follow de instructoins.

1. Post the Liebster award graphic on your site.

2. Thank the blogger who nominated the blog for a Liebster Award and link back to their blog. Done that.

3. The blogger then writes 11 facts about himself or herself so people who discover his or her blog through the Liebster post will learn more about him or her.

(i) I is probabbly a saved pusson.
(ii) Bosco is my big bruvver, but he's a little crazy.
(iii) Anti Moly is my grate-ant from Austriala, and is very crazy.
(iv) I lives in Notting Hell.
(v) I writes a spiritaully nuorishin blogg, but poeple 
keeps findin jokes in it.
(vi) All my jokes is stolen.
(vii) I has got a secret crush on Tina Beattie.
(viii) I changes my socks once a month, whether I needs to or not.

De socks of a saved pusson.

(ix) My Latin aint bad, but my English sometimes has sutble erorrs.
(x) I has got a secretary called Ecclesiam wot corrects my 
spellin sometimes.
(xi) Richard Dakwins asked me to be his spiritaul director.

4. In addition to posting 11 fun facts about themselves, nominated bloggers should also answer the 11 questions from the post of the person who nominated them.

(i) What inspired the title of your blog? 
Being told by Bosco dat he was a saved pusson.
(ii) Why should people read your blog? 
Spiritaul nuorishment.
(iii) What is your personal favourite post on your blog? 
Of recent ones, I've got a little list aint bad.
(iv) What has been the most popular (most viewed) post on your blog? 
Not sure why, but Zany New BBC Comedies has had about 4,500 hits.
(v) Which post on your blog has attracted most comments? 
I don't get many comments, but Rent-a-troll has got 51 so far.
(vi) What other hobbies or interests (beyond blogging) are you 
prepared to admit to?
Being saved, taking baths, eating pizzas.
(vii) What are your hopes for the new pontificate? 
Dat's too profuond for me.
(viii) Where is your favourite place of pilgrimage, and why? 
St Pancras statoin, cos I likes it.

A sacred place.

(ix) Who is your favourite spiritual author, and why? 
Damain Thopmson, cos he knows all about custard.
(x) Which of these questions did you find it most difficult 
to answer? 
Number (iii) cos on second thuoghts I prefers anuvver one.
(xi) Are you now, or have you ever been, a member of the 
Communist Party? 
Nope, but I once voted for de loonies.

5. The nominated blogger will in turn, nominate 9 other blogs with 200 or less followers for a Liebster award by posting a comment on their blog and linking back to the Liebster post. Well, some has probbably been done alreddy, and some may have more than 200, but how about:

Costing not less than everything, 
All along the watchtower, 
Brother Lapin's pilgrimage,
Ragazzagallese,
Sky-fairy myth believing cretins,
The path less taken,
Whistling sentinel,
Bara Brith,
One more to be chosen (currently Sede vacante).

6. The nominated blogger will create 11 questions for his or her nominated blogs to answer in their Liebster post.

(i) Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
(ii) How many roads must a man walk down?
(iii) How long is a piece of string? 
(iv) Quis custodiet ipsos custodes? 
(v) Why did the chicken cross the road? 
(vi) Who is the fairest of them all? 
(vii) What shall we do with the drunken sailor? 

A difficult question to answer.

(viii) To be or not to be? 
(ix) How much wood would a wood-chuck chuck if a wood-chuck 
could chuck wood?
(x) Where did you get that hat?
(xi) What's in a name?

Bosco is trully saved

Bosco, my dear bruvver, I has taken a pitcher of your girlfiend's duaghter dat you can put on your luvvly blogg wiv all de pitchers of Pops kissin each uvver and nasty relicks. She's a luvvly girl aint she, so I fink I'll put a photto on my blogg too, althuogh when dey lets her out of de funny farm hopsital Anti Moly will say it is SEX.

Well, enuogh of dese romatick fings. De good news is dat Bosco is trully saved, as de Lord sent an angle down to see him and tell him. She droped in today, and I took her photto standin next to Bosco. I fink dat my bruvver was feelin a little inseccure about bein saved, so it is good to get reasurance directly from Jessus.

Bosco he have reackted very well to dis visit from the angle, he sang a little song sayin dat his sole mangified de Lord, but I didnt write it down. Bosco have decidded dat it is time he let his lihgt shine on de world. Dat means, he will save more poeple if dey can see him comin, and know dat he is one of Gods ellect. So Bosco have decided to git hold of a hallo and some wings, dat he can wear when walkin down de street.

Meanhwile Bosco, I is very concerrned as I has fuond dis iddle of St Pancrass. I knows it is St Pancrass, as I got it from Goggle, which Anti Moly assures me is de fuont of all wissdom, appart from your blogg, that is.