Dead people don't come back to life

Today we have another guest post from Alice in Wonderland (age 11) of St Humanist's School, Birmingham. In January she explained very persuasively that Miracles are just a bit unlikely, and now she has an Easter message for us (or possibly a Good Friday message, she wasn't sure which was which).

Dead people don't come back to life.

Some people (like Fr Chasuble our school chaplain) will tell you that Good Friday is all about someone rising from the dead. But it isn't possible. IT ISN'T, IT ISN'T, IT ISN'T!!! Top marks for rhetoric, here, Alice - J. Eccles SJ (teacher). As a scientist, I tested this by experiment. So Auntie Doris has been sitting in the living room ever since she died 3 years ago. This proves that Christianity is bunk. QED.

There are other aspects about the passion narrative - I thought passion was a fruit, but Fr Chasuble says it's what we call the bits at the end of the gospels - that a trained scientist like me (We remember your detention for making hydrogen sulphide in the school toilets! J.E.) can easily refute. There's a bit about Peter (a famous person in the Bible) cutting off someone's ear and Jesus (another famous person) sticking it back on again. WELL, I TRIED THAT AND IT DOESN'T WORK. Mrs Van Gogh the school cook is very cross too!!! Marks for initiative, here, Alice! J.E.

Ear today, gone tomorrow (special joke by Alice!)

But let's get back to the big question. Fr Chasuble tells me that Easter is very important to Christians, although the Bible misses out the really important bits about bunny rabbits and eggs. So if dead people don't come back to life - as I have proved (QED) - then we can tell all those learned doctors of the church: St Thomas Augustine, St Basil the Fawlty, St Albert Mangus, ect. to pack it in.

Tomorrow I am going to Battley where lots of Muslims are hanging round a school trying to sell pictures of Mohammed. Won't they be surprised when I tell them that their sacred book the Michel Coren wasn't dictated by some supernatural God but was all made up! Have a good trip, Alice! J.E.

The end of Islamic fundamentalism

We have been consulted by various Muslims, anxious to solve the problem of "rigid" "fundamentalist" Muslims, the sort who think that massacring kids is a pretty neat idea. Now at last we have the solution!

HOLD A MECCA II COUNCIL!

After 1400 years, it is clear that Islam does need a little updating. For a start, the prophet Mohammed will have to go. Just as Anglicans have abandoned Jesus Christ in favour of Henry VIII, and Catholics now worship Pope Francis (your mileage may vary), it is possible for Muslims to have a new universally-respected leader, and here he is:

Sadiq Khan, descendant of Genghis, and Mayor of London.

Of course, we do not propose to jettison the Koran, which is a truly holy book for Muslims, but a new "Good News Koran" has been commissioned, replacing the old "King James Koran", and making the more controversial passages more user-friendly. Out go references to slaying the infidel, and in come touch-feely Islamic teachings about giving them a pretty fierce telling-off when they are invited round for tea and cucumber sandwiches.

Bring on the clowns!

Clown Masses work so well for Catholics, that Mecca II is advocating something similar for Muslims. And balloons. And liturgical dancing. Out goes Arabic as the main language of the Islamic Church, and in comes "Vernacular". No longer will Islamic festivals all be celebrated on the same day, but, taking the lead from the Catholics, local churches will be able to celebrate Ramadan, Eid, etc., at a time convenient to the local Imam.

Of course we still need the agreement of the more old-fashioned Islamic Churches - we don't regard the ISIS people as heretics, merely as slightly "traddy" - but there should be no serious difficulties in modernising Islam.

Paul Inwood - his Allahu Akbar Ch-Ch will be heard in mosques around the world.

Learning from the Anglicans

As a respite from all the excitement in the Catholic church, let's see what the Anglicans have done recently, and whether we can learn from them.

The Scottish Episcopal Church (which is like the Church of England, except that they play the bagpipes and throw cabers around the church) has got itself into trouble with a reading from the Koran at St Mary's Cathedral, Glasgow. The row escalated and one of the Queen's chaplains has resigned.

"How am I supposed to play Bach fugues if you're doing Donald, where's yer troosers?"

Surely that's not a problem? I mean, the Koran reading said that Jesus was not the Son of God, but we have to be tolerant these days, and if that's what the Provost really believes, then there is room for dialogue on this question. Perhaps an Anglican synod will soon be voting for this proposition with a 2/3 majority, as they did a few years ago for the proposition that Jesus got it wrong on the issue of the ordination of women.

"Father Shaykh Ibrahim Mogra will be preaching tonight on 'Why Mohammed is better than Jesus'."

As an extra piece of comedy, the notoriously bossy Glasgow police managed to get in on the act, as it was claimed that there was a "hate-crime" issue here, when people complained about the betrayal of Our Lord in a Christian church. Apparently, they should have done the "Glasgow kiss of peace" first, to make it a love-crime.

LATE NEWS: Glasgow Cathedral announces an ecumenical service with worshippers of the Tiger God. As the provost puts it: such events lead to deepening friendships locally, to greater awareness of the things we hold in common, and to dialogue about the ways in which we differ.

No bagpipes, as they'll upset the Tiger God.

The other spiritually nourishing thing to report from the Anglican church is a joint statement on the 500th anniversary of the Reformation, issued by Archbishops Welby and Sentamu. They list some (rather vague) blessings that European Christians have received to which the Reformation directly contributed, although they forget to say anything about the destruction of churches and abbeys.

There is a mention of people being put to death, but you will agree that the following sentence justifies the Reformation in its entirety: Remembering the Reformation should bring us back to what the Reformers wanted to put at the centre of every person's life, which is a simple trust in Jesus Christ.

Justice for Henry VIII at last (and yes, that is a chair-leg).

Readers of this blog are generally cultivated people, and will remember this passage from The Man from U.N.C.L.E. - I'm sorry, I mean A Man for all Seasons, in which Henry VIII tries to explain the Reformation to (not yet St) Thomas More.

Henry: Now, mark you, Thomas. does a man need a pope to tell him what to do? This one has sent me an insulting message, telling me that under no circumstances may I marry fair Anne.

Thomas: Indeed, your Majesty, I do not think any pope would dare say otherwise, at least not in our lifetimes.

Henry: Can he not hold a synod, and get his staff to write a document that allows me to marry as many times as I wish?

Thomas: No, I really don't think we'll get very far with that idea, Sire.

A self-absorbed Promethean neo-pelagian gets his come-uppance.

Henry: Thomas, I plan to put a simple trust in Jesus Christ at the centre of every person's life, as advised by Master Cranmer of Canterbury and Master Lee of York.

Thomas: Is that not going too far, your Grace?

Henry: No. So report to the Executioner in the morning, there's a good fellow.

We Christians are all guilty

We invited some distinguished guest columnists to explain how the terrorist murders in Paris should be laid directly at the door of Christians.

Juliet Carpet-Chewer of the once great Telegraph.

Surprising as it may seem, I can reveal that the Islamic terrorists who killed so many people in Paris were in fact Muslims. It's very confusing to have two different names for the same thing, but half an hour's research with Wikipedia put me straight on that! What's more, their "holy book" is called the Koran, but also called the Qur'an - it took me several days to work out that these were the same thing, really. Sheesh!

But then I came across a book called "Why Catholics are right" by Michael Coren (alias, Koran or Qu'ran), and I realized that in fact "Muslim" is just another word for "Christian". And, when you look at the two religions, they're identical. The Coren tells me that "Mohammed" is just the Arab word for "Christ", and - as we know from the New Testament - Christ told his followers to go out into the world and spread violence, hatred and terror.

A Catholic mosque.

I'll bet that if you asked Ayatollah Francis in Rome, he'd say that the two religions basically preach the same things. Look, I'm a reasonable woman, and I understand that there is a small minority of Christians who do not go out committing acts of terrorism on a daily basis. However, in the interests of security, we need to round up all Christians and shoot them. Don't you agree?

Brilliant article, Julia! I'm so glad we got rid of Damian Thompson. Love, Chris Evans (Telegraph Editor).

Comedy gold - Colbert and Rosica!

Fr Thomas Rosica writes: "The cry "Allahu akbar” was never a call to violence and destruction - it's what Muslims scream when they call people to prayer. Just as I scream "You're blocked!" or "Where's my lawyer?" when people attempt to dialogue with me. Once you realise that the armed gunmen in the Bataclan Theatre were simply trying to persuade people to pray, you understand what deeply religious people they were. We Basilians recognise holiness when we see it.

Of course, the gunmen were misunderstood, and things may have got slightly out of hand. Which of us has not had to face such a problem? It's important that Christians understand that we are all to blame. We need to dialogue more, walk with people, and show them mercy. Unless they're traditional Catholics. The Jihadi Jesuits, as usual, are leading the way.

"Adopt a Syrian - or at least a camel" says Anglican bishop.

David Walker, Bishop of Manchester, explains: "There's only one answer to all this. It's important that we move the entire population of Syria to England, and welcome them into our homes. Refugees, migrants, terrorists, all are worthy of our love."

"Unfortunately I am unable to take a Syrian family - even a Christian one - into my humble six-bedroom 'pad' . They wouldn't feel at home, and I fear that the constant prayer, hymn-singing and other religious devotions would cause annoyance - although I suppose I might get used to this. However, in the interests of peace, I have agreed to take a camel to live at Bishopscourt, and I urge you all to do likewise."

If it wasn't the Muslims, who was it?

The recent murders in Paris have brought out accusations and counter-accusations from the Left and Right: apparently it's the Right's fault for being fascist imperialists in the Middle East, while it's also the Left's fault for flooding Europe with bogus "refugees". And the Jews are probably to blame as well, because they always are.

One thing we can all agree on, is that it's nothing to do with Islam. Certainly not the late Jihad John, who has an alibi, taking swimming lessons in the Lake of Fire with Mohammed while the attacks were taking place.

JIhad John, or possible a woman in a burka.

Certainly, most Muslims are peace-loving people, who hold to the Koran's teachings of "Love thy neighbour", "Blessed are the peacemakers" and "Any infidel dog who denies the Name of the Prophet must be made to suffer, and it is the will of Allah that ye cut his head off seven times wherever ye find him" "Judge not, that ye be not judged". Indeed, most of their priests are members of the Society of Mohammed (the Mohammeduits), which basically means threatening the infidel with Mercy until they run away screaming (© Fr James Martin SJ). The fact that the attackers cried out "Ali Baba!" - which is Arabic for "God is great" - is purely a coincidence.

So, if it wasn't the Muslims, who was it?

The Mothers' Union?

Known to be an organization that welcomes aggressive old ladies, the Mothers' Union would have no difficulty in mounting a terrorist attack. A few years ago, they gave Tony Blair a rough ride, and he's the man who brought peace to the Middle East. I'll leave you to join the dots on this one...

As seen in the current James Bond film, the sinister organization SPECTATRE is another possible suspect. Its religious correspondent Damian Thompson has been talking in inflammatory terms of a Catholic civil war, blaming it on the bizarre actions of Pope Francis. The film SPECTATRE even features a sinister meeting in Rome, which is surely a reference to a certain recent synod. Hmm...

The Inland Revenue

Although well known in the UK as an organization that extorts money from hard-working people who wish to have nothing to do with it (cf. the Mafia in Italy), and indeed the prime suspect in several murder cases, the Inland Revenue does not normally engage in terrorist acts overseas. So for the moment we have to be open-minded about their involvement.

Look, I told you it was nothing to do with Muslims...

How to be a saint

If you are a regular reader of this blog, then obviously you are clearly slightly saved already. However, you may be interested in something better, namely, the reassurance that you will be heading straight for Heaven when you die, without any intermediate steps such as Purgatory, a Last Judgement (which could be very disagreeable, even if at the end you scrape through with a "Not Guilty" verdict), or anything else you might see as a possible hazard en route.

Two saints turn up at the Pearly Gates.

The first thing to remember is that saints are not actually saintly people. Consider the case of St Dismas, the "good thief". Along with his mate Gestas, the "bad thief", he made a complete nuisance of himself in 1st Century Palestine. With his mask, his striped jersey, and his bag marked "SWAG" - an unusual sight in Judæa - he would break into houses and steal primitive computers - Amstrads, probably - or pick pockets. Luckily, they never tried this on Jesus, who would have detected it instantly, as He did when the woman touched His cloak. Still, at the end (admittedly very painful for him), Dismas said the immortal words "It's a fair cop" and ended up in Heaven.

Dismal Dismas.

Moving on a bit, we come to St Augustine, with his famous saying, "Grant me chastity and continence, but not yet." I know we live in a "who am I to judge?" era, but I really don't advise you to try this bit of gradualism at home. Augustine converted to Christianity at the age of 32: since he lived to be 75, he behaved himself, more or less, for 43 years, and just spent his spare time blogging. Incidentally, his mother was also a saint (Monica), but in general such titles are not hereditary. So we have here a different way to sainthood, and one more suitable for most of my readers, who are not thieves, as far as I know.

My third and last case study is Pope St John-Paul II. Like Dismas (on a Very High Authority Indeed) and Augustine (by Popular Acclaim), John-Paul was canonized very quickly - 9 years after his death - and the fact that he made it to pope may have had something to do with this. But even John-Paul did some startling things.

Kissing the Koran. DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME.

We never got to the bottom of this story. Perhaps it was just John-Paul's habit to kiss any large book that came his way, whether it be a Bible, an Encyclopædia Vaticana, or even a humble telephone directory. The last is not such a bad idea, actually, as it may be interpreted as blessing all those within, yeah, even from brother A.A.A.A.0.0.0.Dyno-Plugg, the plumber, right through unto the blessed Zzygmunt Zzzzzzuhlsdorf of the Magic Circle (available for parties, weddings, and bishops' conferences). Still, kissing a Koran is something we do not generally advise.

John-Paul was of course a better man than we are, and has even been recognised to have performed some post-mortem miracles. Still, his route to sainthood is a hard one to follow, if only because we cannot all be popes.

Conclusion: I still haven't worked out a thoroughly reliable recipe for sainthood. More later, after I have consulted my brother Bosco, who is undeniably a saved person.

Could this be the way to Salvation?

Devilodge bans the Gideon Bible

The hotel chain Devilodge has announced that it will be removing the Gideon Bibles supplied to its guest rooms, "in order not to discriminate against any religion".

Too discriminatory for Devilodge.

It is thought that they originally planned to replace them with copies of the secularists' Guardian Bible, written by Laurie Penny, Owen Jones, Giles Fraser and Simon Jenkins, but, thanks to the good folk at Scarfolk Council, we have come across some other books that will replace the Gideon Bible.

Muslims can of course ask for the Koran, but here is an alternative that can be requested by ticking the appropriate box when you book online.

For the more militant traveller.

Satanists, too, are welcomed at Devilodge, and here is a book for them.

A good read.

Finally, with Calvary-Chapel types, such as my brother Bosco, in mind, here is something for the Evangelical Christian.

Getting ready for the big day.

Thanks again to Scarfolk Council for some brilliant ideas.

A thoroughly modern Muslim

George de Pfeffel Cholmondeley-Farquharson is one of the new breed of "liberal" Muslims, most of whom were greatly influenced by the "Mecca II" council of the 1960s.

George de Pfeffel Cholmondeley-Farquharson.

When I came to interview him in his beautiful Kensington house, from which he operates London's biggest camel-hire business, he explained that, although culturally a Muslim, his religious beliefs had been much influenced by modern liberals such as Polly Toynbee, George Galloway, and Tina Beattie.

In fact, Islamic belief in Britain is currently in a state of flux, as the so-called "Magic Crescent" of liberal Ayatollahs is anxious to welcome all believers, regardless of colour, race, creed, sexual orientation or even religious conviction. George naturally finds his place in a liberal Mosque, where they even hold "gay" services.

The Mosque where Imam Nichols operates.

George's charming wife Aisha (age 9) was away at the Cat Stevens Primary School when I called round, but she had left a pile of sausage rolls for us to consume with our Château Hamza claret, in itself a sign that George no longer follows the Islamic customs as strictly as his ancestors (the Cholmondeley-Farquharsons of Libya) used to.

Food for a modern Muslim.

I asked him about his praying rituals. Did he make use of a prayer mat for regular worship ad orientem? George explained to me that, since Mecca II, it had become customary for prayers to be held in a west-facing position, so that one had one's back towards Allah. Moreover, the traditional prayer mat had been in urgent need of modernization.

Novus Ordo prayer mat.

George himself is very fond of participating in ecumenical services - for example he attends a Catholic church in the Southwark archdiocese where the deacon welcomes Muslim worshippers, explaining that "After all, we all believe the same thing really."

George has not been on the traditional haj, finding Mecca a little too expensive for a pilgrimage. However, he is shortly planning a two-week stay in Bradford, visiting the Alhambra Theatre, a well-known shrine. Here he plans to hear a Paul Inwood arrangement of sacred Islamic music, played by the ukelele orchestra of Great Britain.

The Alhambra, Bradford, soon to host sacred music from the ukelele orchestra of Great Britain.

Finally I asked George about his cultural traditions. "Well, I am a very ecumenical Muslim, so I feel slighly uneasy about smiting the infidel," he explained. "In our weekly Koran-study classes, we learn that we are promised 72 virgins in Paradise if we go berserk and slaughter a few Christians. But then - who wants 72 mothers-in-law? No, I decided to go for the lesser 'all the sherbet you can eat' option, and this only required me to cut the hands off the local vicar."

Father Cleese, of the Church Militant.

As I said my farewells to George, I reflected that Islam, the religion of peace, is adapting itself very well to modern secular culture. How can anyone find anything objectionable in George's lifestyle?

A Cathlic book

Well, my bruvver Bosco esscaped from de hopsital and ran down de street, dat's not bad wiv all his injurries, but when de Lord is wiv you, and Jessus tells you dat you is saved, den you got de strentgh of ten men. Here is anuvver pitcher of Bosco showin a certtain quiet dignitty as he gives de kiss of peace to some passers-by who aint saved.

"Is we bein raptured, Bosco?" I asked when I cuaght him up. "Only I fought it would be more excittin dan dis."
"Shut up, Eccles," replied my bruvver. Dis is how he treats me when he is cross, I fink dat even when we gits to Heaven he's gonna say "Shut up, Eccles."

We got home and knokced on the door, becos dem nuns what beat us up had stollen our house keys. Grate-Anti Moly opened de door.
"You're de rabbit. Go away! Go back to your donnkeys! Sockpoppet!" she screamed.
"Who's de rabbit, Anti?" I asked.
"Both of you. Fannatical, traddie, sad, RC cliqque bigots of the worst sort, don't try to impose your superstitoins on me, you constantly insullt me but seem totally incappable of realizing this..."
"Eccles, go and git a botle of sherry from de shop round de corner," hissed Bosco.
"Is you sure, Bosco?" I whipsered back. "It seems a bit cruel to hit Anti wiv a sherry botle. Maybe we could clibm in thruogh a window instead."
"It's for her to drink, you punchdrunk airhead!" repplied my bruvver, kindly puttin me straihgt.

Two hours later in de house, Anti was snorrin peacefully. But Bosco was readin a big book and gittin more and more angry. "Eccles, look at dis Cathlic book I found!" he shouted. "Dis proved dey aint saved, dem fillthy swine! It says here: 'Jesus was no more than a mortal whom We favored and made an example to the Isrealites.'"

"Bosco, we gottem!" I said. "Dis proves dat de Cathlics is wrong from start to finish and dey can't be saved. Woss this Cathlic book called den?"
"Dey calls it de Korran," said Bosco. "I read on de Internet dat it was written by a Pop called Mohhamed. Dey got a lot about dis Allah chap in it, I fink he's a Cathlic iddle."
Well we is an unassaillable position now, and I spose dem Cathlics aint gonna dare show dere faces round here in futture.

Here's a pitcher of a liddle boy worshippin a golden iddle. It shows dat dem Cathlic leads dere kids into iddletree very young, I finks it's shockin, and so does Bosco.