Thinking Warm Thoughts (in the freezing cold)

 January in Nebraska can be unpleasantly cold. Today wasn't terrible, but we have another deep freeze headed our way this week. Since I'm unable to flee to warmer climes, I'm wearing some of my vintage Mexican tourist items so I can pretend. Fine, it isn't convincing, but you can't blame me trying! If nothing else, the skirt is sunny.

The skirt is part of a set, though the top will never fit-I've given up trying it over the years. The skirt just barely makes it, which is fine with me, as long as I don't try breathing too deeply. I suspect it would have originally been worn with a girdle and crinoline. I don't do girdles, and a crinoline isn't compatible with driving a Ford Focus. That's part of the challenge wearing vintage, but if I like a piece enough, I can generally make it work-except for that top which must be a 22" bust.

Sorry, I grew cold. Ignore the coat.

This is a terrible photo of a beautiful bag. There isn't an unadorned spot on it with even the bottom being tooled. It is large, with more zippered compartments than I will ever require, and weighs a tonne empty. If I ever did manage to fill it, I would be unable to lift it. The bag was in rough condition when I found it, and it will require some leather conditioner and polishing to bring it back, but it is still perfectly wearable and worth the $3.99 I paid for it. This makes six or seven Mexican hand tooled bags in my collection, but they're such works of art I wouldn't consider parting with any of the lot. We won't discuss my collection of belts to go with the bags...

 Outfit Particulars:
Vintage Mexican tourist skirt-Hand-Me-Ups
Vintage wool cardigan-New Life Thrift
Bangles-various shops
Earrings-New Life Thrift
Vintage Sara Coventry brooch-Hand-Me-Ups
Boots-K Mart
Vintage Mexican hand-tooled shoulder bag-Goodwill
Liz Claiborne wool coat-Goodwill
Fragrance-Vintage perfume concentration Emeraude

Now, a bit about a year-long project I'm embarking on. Nebraska is having a birthday-and you're all invited to celebrate with us. 150 years of Statehood is worthy of a party. Throughout 2017, I'll be posting recipes from my many Nebraska cookbooks from homesteading days to the present. Along the way, I hope to tell you a bit about our state and do my best to convince you to visit. No one knows how to celebrate like Nebraskans, and you know there will be kolaches. 

This cookbook from the Centennial in 1967 is a treasure trove of family recipes, political history, and wonderful photographs. 

Mrs. Morrison, wife of Governor Morrison who held office in the 60's is ready to serve you a beautiful luncheon at the Governor's mansion. 

I hope you will find this project interesting. I'm rather excited to show you the place we call home. 

I'll be taking you to Chimney Rock and points West in the Spring. 

When Life Gives You Green Tomatoes...

...hide behind a tree and whip them at people waiting for the bus make green tomato relish.

I'm down to just what's left in this bowl, which I can finish off in a green tomato pie later in the week. Gosh, that was a lot of work. I made a batch of relish, a batch of tomato chutney, and some pickled sour tomatoes. Let's have a look, shall we? Fire-up the canner Mama, we're preserving tomatoes!

 Nice.

 Very Nice.

What the hell?!
Yeah, that's a regional thing with the bright green food colouring. Personally, I think it is silly, but there's an expectation that relish is really green if you're from Illinois, or parts of Wisconsin. I don't eat hot dogs, therefore I do not care about the hue of my relish. For the sake of the people these are being made for, I added the food colour as untinted relish would be (try not to laugh) unappetising.
Yeah, we're all going to die of some horrible food dye related cancer (if the nitrate-soaked meat doesn't get us first).

This is my new favourite outfit (click to embiggen the photo). I never thought I could love a 1970's Act III polyester blouse quite as much as I love this one. It is perfection. The sleeves stay pushed where you set them, the bow ties easily, and the buttons don't gape. Add a nice leaf print in a versatile shade of brown, and I'm in happy-vintage heaven. I may insist on being buried in this blouse, I love it that much. The skirt is a vintage Jantzen from the 70's, and it is exceptionally well made. The cotton does not wrinkle, the buttons stay closed, and it has a bit of elastic at the waist. I spend my day on my feet, and it is nice to have clothes that not only move, but move with me.

Blondin has been visiting regularly. There's a certain satisfaction seeing him tear into a piece of stale cake like it was some sort of delicacy. I mean, it was a good cake, and if you're a hungry squirrel, it still is. I've been watching him bury nuts and acorns in the yard. He's been nibbling on cake as he works-I swear he gets more human by the day. I fully expect to see him reclining in a chair drinking a cup of tea. The strong kind, that you can stand a spoon in.

I've been (not so subtly) reminded by the younger atheist that I need to bake honey cake for Rosh Hashanah. Sure, I'm all for preserving cultural traditions in the form of baked goods, but I do find it a little funny how seriously people take their holiday foods. I mean, I get it-honey cake is really delicious. So is apricot noodle pudding which will also make an appearance, along with challah, and rugelach. When that's all done, I can get started making the Christmas puddings! Yeah, we're all over the cultural landscape. I'm not making Christmas cakes this year as it is a ton of work making all that candied fruit from scratch, and the keeping them stored, coated in booze, etc. I know recipients of the five pound doorstops will miss it this year, but I'm not getting any younger and life is too short for spending weeks candying fruit.

Then, in a few weeks we'll have Barmbracks, toffee apples, molasses popcorn balls, parkin...

So what about you? Any seasonal baking going on at your place?

At least it is appreciated.

A Hot Dog Isn't Worth $7.00

Maybe two bucks, if it is all beef and served with all the fixings, but these high end sausages in artisan bread are not hot dogs. They're high end sausages in sourdough disguised as something that used to cost .75 cents and come with a gigantic, grease soaked paper sack of potatoes for an extra .50cents. Sometimes they'd throw in the drink if the place had a special. When hot dogs went to $1.50 I was sure the world was coming to an end. Little could I have known what was on the horizon.

The Guardian has a feature on the food of the American Midwest today: http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/aug/05/haute-dogs-fried-pickles-savoury-doughnuts-how-britain-fell-love-midwestern-food

I'm torn here, because yeah, we do hot dogs, and pies, and BBQ, but pretty soon everyone feels the need to, "re-educate" us on our established classics to the point where they no longer resemble anything familiar. I'm not upset with people in the UK doing this, I'm upset with some asshole in the American Midwest charging $7.00 for a goddamned hot dog.

I can't speak to the appeal of Reuben sandwiches (never had one, though I've made them) or fried ravioli (intriguing) but I can tell you that hot dogs are not a sophisticated food. Look, I'm not the sort of person that will tell you what to put on your food (though I'll know you're not a local if you slather it in ketchup) or how to enjoy it, but I will tell you that hot dogs are not supposed to cost as much as a proper meal at a sit-down diner. You may be eating it inside, but the hot dog is street food, and democratic street food at that-anyone can afford a decent, filling meal at a hot dog stand-or at least they could before assholes started selling $7.00 hot dogs. You step inside a Chicago hot dog stand, and it is as close to a classless society as you'll get (or used to be before assholes started serving $7.00 hot dogs). All kinds of people, from all walks of life, standing at a counter eating a goddamned cheap sausage in a steamed bun with that phosphorescent green relish and enough vegetables that you can *almost* say you've had a salad as well. Hand-in-hand, shoulder-to-shoulder-Chicagoans united against the dietary experts. We may not agree on much, but a hot dog is not posh, and there had better be a couple pieces of that hot-dog shaped bubble gum in the bottom of the bag for afterwards. I've been a vegetarian since 1983, but even I know the hot dog rules. And don't forget the sport peppers( http://www.marconi-foods.com/Sport_Peppers-details.aspx) or mother will make you go all the way back to get them. We ate a lot of hot dogs growing up, which saved us from my mother attempting cooking. If it weren't for cheese sandwiches and hot dogs my poor dad would have starved to death by 1959! He lived to a good old age because all those nitrates preserved him from the inside.

Food (even food you no longer eat) is emotional. So much of it is the experience and associations over the food itself. With that in mind, here are a few Midwestern delights the Guardian article missed:

The Runza-a pastry filled with meat and cabbage-runza.com


The Monte Cristo Sandwich-ham and cheese in eggy bread- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monte_Cristo_sandwich


Cheese Frenchie Sandwich - a grilled cheese that has been battered and deep fried- http://www.tasteofhome.com/recipes/cheese-frenchy-sandwiches

Green River Soda- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Green_River_(soft_drink)

Italian Beef Sandwiches- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Italian_beef

Kolach pastry- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kolach

The Pizza Bagel- I can't find a damn thing about this on the internet and it almost makes me cry because it was such a genius open-faced sandwich. Slice a bagel, spread it with pizza sauce, pile on warm corned beef (salt beef) and then top with cheese.  few minutes in the oven until the cheese melts, and that's essentially it. If I still ate meat (or solid food for that matter) this would be my choice for a "last meal." Oh man, that was a sandwich. I hope it hasn't disappeared from menus.

And on and on it goes with regional specialties.

You're probably getting the idea this isn't health food, and you'd be correct. (Most) people don't eat like this routinely. That's as it should be, and all the more reason not to screw with the established norms. When you're feeling nostalgic, and willing to subject your arteries to something challenging, you  want your cheddar fries to taste like they did in 1978. That isn't too much to ask, is it? What's next, specially aged barrels of Old Style? http://www.beeradvocate.com/beer/profile/447/1727/

Sigh. I know time marches ahead, and hot dogs cost seven bucks, but the older I get the more personally I take it.

And one last thing-frozen custard comes from Wisconsin. You can make it in Illinois, but then it is just custard based ice cream. Frozen custard= Wisconsin. And no weird flavours.

Basil Frozen Custard

My freezer is looking more like an ice cream shop by the day. In the past few weeks I have made,

Chocolate custard
Chocolate gelato
Chocolate ice milk
Vanilla Custard
Vanilla Ice Cream
Vanilla ice milk
Raspberry sherbet
Peach bourbon sorbet
Peach ice cream
Strawberry ice cream
Cherry frozen custard
Chocolate mint ice cream
Raspberry gelato

...and today, basil. I should start selling it by the scoop in front of the house. Anyway, I really feel like I've perfected my technique, and can turn out a pint of good quality ice cream without too much thought. Given that it stays hot here well into October, it was a worthwhile skill to cultivate.

I have an ungodly amount of basil growing in the garden. There's only so much pesto you can make, and though I encourage every neighbor I see to take some, it keeps growing back practically overnight. After making a tomato salad with handfuls of torn basil, mint, and chives I went looking for other ways to use the glut. I recalled having made basil ice cream once, a very long time ago and thought it was due for a revisit. If you're interested in a really rich basil ice cream, I spotted this one in the Guardian last weekend- http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/jun/27/ice-cream-recipes-yotam-ottolenghi . I wasn't looking for something quite so fancy, so I came up with a pared-down version. I do like his idea of whipping the cream, and folding it into the custard though-something to try another time.

I know you're wondering, what is the difference between frozen custard and ice cream? Where I live, in the American Midwest, it comes down to the addition of egg yolks. In other places, it literally means a pudding that has been frozen (also good, but not what I'm making here). Where gelato skips the cream in favour of egg yolks with milk, frozen custard has both milk/cream and egg yolks. It is a completely different experience than ice cream in the way it melts, the texture, and the heaviness of it. I don't have a preference between gelato/ice cream/and frozen custard which is why I often have several types in the freezer at once. It comes down to a mood thing, and how much you want to consume in a sitting.

So what was it like? Bright. Very, very bright. I'm glad I skipped the urge to add a handful of lemon balm as it would have been too much, but a drop or two of vanilla wouldn't hurt next time, and it might give the overall flavor some depth. I like basil, but I can't see sitting down to a big dish of this because it just makes me want cheese. And garlic. I do think it would be perfect with a fruit plate salad on a very hot day. I'm sure it will be eaten, but I don't think it is a good way to use up a glut of basil. I guess I'll continue freezing pesto.

You Will Need:

2 cups tightly packed basil leaves (I used Genovese, but the purple would be OK too, in fact it might be better. Strangely, that basil isn't producing like crazy. Go figure.).
1 cup milk (I used 2 % because that's what I had)
1 cup heavy cream
4 egg yolks graded large
1/2 cup sugar (you may prefer more)
A few drops of green food colouring (optional)

Heat the milk and cream to a boil. Remove from heat, pour into a bowl, and stir in the basil. Let steep several hours in the fridge, or overnight if you can. Strain, and return the mixture to the stove. In a heatproof bowl, beat the eggs and sugar together until light (I just use a whisk). Heat the milk mixture to a boil, then pour a few drops into the egg mixture, whisking as you pour. Go very slowly at first, then whisk in the rest of the milk. Return it to the pan, and clip on a candy thermometer. The custard needs to cook to 175 degrees F. to be safe. If you like to live dangerously, cook it until the custard coats the back of a wooden spoon, and it does not fill back in when you drag a finger across it. Get out your finest sieve and place it over a heatproof bowl. Strain the custard through the sieve to catch any egg that might have cooked, or stray whites. Whisk in the food colouring, if using.  Immediately place the bowl in an ice bath to quickly chill the custard. When cool to the touch, place in the fridge for several hours, or overnight to set.

Make the frozen custard either in a machine, or in a metal tray in the freezer, scraping with a fork every 20 minutes to avoid the formation of ice crystals. Transfer to a container to ripen in the freezer several hours before serving.

Serve with garlic bread in a chilled glass to be all elegant-n-shit.

Meatless Maid Rite/Loose Meat Sandwich

I made these last week, just as I was getting sick, and forgot to post them. How I managed to bake hamburger buns to go with them is still a mystery (and kind of lost in a hazy fever-induced fog), but I'm told they were enjoyed, and the leftover buns didn't last long enough to be frozen. So, if I can do this with 103 F. it should be a breeze to put together when you're feeling well.

Ten days into whatever the hell this is, I'm still miserable. The high fever is gone, but a persistent low-grade temperature hangs around just enough to make me feel wiped-out. I slept all day yesterday. I hadn't bothered getting dressed. Today is a bit better, but I'm still pretty weak. I can honestly say this is worse than any flu I've ever had. Anyway, enough about me, how are you all surviving summer?

I'll post the bun recipe as well, but really, if your weather is anything like ours, do yourself a favour and buy them-the world won't come screeching to a halt if you serve store-bought bread.

For The Buns:

From Better Homes and Gardens Homemade Bread Book, 1973
(Note-I did these by hand without a mixer, and it worked fine. I also used half strong flour)

In a large mixer bowl combine4 cups AP flour (or half plain and half strong if you prefer) and 4 1/2 teaspoons yeast. Combine 2 cups warm water, 3/4 cup cooking oil, 1/2 cup sugar, and 1 tablespoon salt. Add to mixture in bowl. Add 3 eggs. Beat at low speed 1/2 minute, then beat 3 minutes at high speed. Stir in 4 cups AP flour by hand. You may need more or less, until you have a soft dough.

Knead until smooth and elastic. Place in a greased bowl turning once. Cover, and let rise until doubled-about 1 hour. Punch down, divide dough in three portions. Let rest five minutes, covered. Divide each portion into 8 balls. Turn each ball in your hands to shape until smooth (it helps to pull and tuck it under as you go). Press ball flat between hands, then place on greased baking sheets. Cover and let rise until doubled (about 30 minutes). Bake at 375 degrees F. about ten minutes, or until done. If you like, before baking brush tops with a bit of water and sprinkle with poppy or sesame seeds (I did both, because I'm indecisive).

For the Maid Rites:

A bag of ground beef substitute (I used the Morningstar Farms crumbles that come frozen)
1 tablespoon Crisco (no, you can't use olive oil, this is a Maid Rite, for fuck's sake)
2 teaspoons salt (yes, plain old table salt, see above comment for reasoning)
1 medium onion, chopped fine
1 tablespoon yellow mustard from a squeeze bottle (ibid)
1 tablespoon cider vinegar
1 tablespoon granulated sugar
Water to cover

Melt your fat in a heavy pan (I used cast iron). Sprinkle the salt directly onto the melted fat (look, don't overthink this, just do it). Break up the crumbles as they hat in the pan. When they begin to brown, add the onion, and then when they are nearly softened, add the mustard, vinegar, sugar and water. Simmer, uncovered for 15-20 minutes, or until the water cooks out.

Put it together:

Mustard, ketchup, and pickles are traditional. A slice of cheese is also OK. The buns are best if you can give them a bit of steaming first, but a quick nuke in the microwave works as well. This is one of the few times you'll get the desired results microwaving bread.

Serve hot. Potato crisps are optional, but pretty authentic. So are root-beer floats.

Cherry Fluff Dessert

It was all downhill after I made the rice krispy treats. This is as close as I get to Watergate salad, or a pot-luck in the church basement (shit, now I have to make tater-tot-casserole, don't I?) but at least I knew enough to decorate the top with maraschino cherries.

I used some cheery puree I had frozen from last summer. To make fruit puree, you stick fruit in a large pot, add a few tablespoons of water, then cover and simmer it until soft. Run it through a food mill, and at that point you can use it immediately, or freeze it for next summer when the mercury hits 102 degrees F. and you need a dessert.

This is the same filling for fluffy grape pie, adjusted to a stand alone dessert. Obviously, you can pour the whole thing into a baked pie crust, but I'm not baking at the moment due to heat. The original recipe comes from Farm Journal's Freezing and Canning Cookbook, 1963.

You Will Need:

1 cup cherry puree (concord grape, plum, etc.)
1/4 cup water
3 oz. package lemon jello (use the regular kind, not the sugar free)
3/4 cup sugar
1 1/2 cups heavy cream, whipped stiff
Maraschino cherries to garnish (yes, you must use them to properly get in the spirit of 'fluff")

In a saucepan, bring the puree and water to a boil. Stir in the jello, and remove from heat. Whisk in the sugar. Place bowl in an ice water bath, and chill until the mixture mounds on a spoon. Meanwhile, whip the cream.

Beat the jello mixture until fluffy. Fold in the whipped cream. Pour into your best, clear-glass bowl (because this is a "fancy dessert", duh!) and garnish with maraschino cherries. You just made Midwestern America in a bowl.

Raisin Crumb Pie

We were divided over this pie-the men loved it, I did not. Admittedly, while I like raisins, raisin pie is not one of my favourites. What I found really remarkable was the thickness of the crumb topping-look at the photograph. That's quite a ratio of fruit to crumb with the topping clearly winning. I found it too much, but again I'm biased. Mr. ETB feels that is the best part of a pie.

I followed the recipe in Marcia Adams, Heartland the Best of the Old and New From Midwestern Kitchens. This is a lovely books (as are all her books) and most of the dishes (like raisin pie) are familiar having lived in Illinois in the 60's and 70's. While some of the recipes are newer, they still reflect regional history and make use of abundant local items.

I did not use the pastry recipe Adams suggests as it relies on vegetable shortening and vinegar. I used to make that sort of a crust before they started messing with the Crisco. It is true that you will get a flaky crust with the old, "no fail" pie pastry recipes, but I get a great dose of heartburn as well. I went with an all butter crust instead. I'd stick to whatever you typically use for a 1 crust pastry, as the star of this shoe is pretty clearly the topping.

You Will Need:

A shallow 9 inch pastry shell
1/2 cup dark raisins
2 1/4 cups water
1 cup brown sugar
1 tablespoon fresh lemon juice
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 tablespoons cornstarch
2 tablespoons butter

Topping:

1 cup plain flour
1 cup brown sugar
1 teaspoon ground ginger
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 cup butter, softened

Preheat oven to 375 degrees F.

Prick pie crust all over and blind bake 5 minutes. Remove from oven and set aside.

In a 2 quart saucepan combine raisins, 2 cups of the water (reserve rest), lemon juice,
and salt. Bring to a boil over medium high heat stirring occasionally. In a small bowl, combine cornstarch and remaining water, beating until smooth. Whisk it into the raisin mixture and boil until bubbling and thick-about 2 minutes. Beat in butter. Remove from pot and cool before filling pie. Meanwhile make the crust.

For the crust: combine flour, sugar, ginger, cinnamon, and soda. Cut in butter until you have crumbs.

Assemble and bake:

Pour filling into pie crust. Top with crumbs and bake 25-30 minutes or until top is golden. Cool, and store in the fridge.

Watergate Salad

If you've spent any time in the American Midwest, you may have noticed a fluffy, vibrant green salad for sale at the deli counter in supermarkets. Like Danny, I'm allergic to nuts which I consider merciful as it has spared me the obligation to politely accept a dish of Watergate salad when offered. Yes, I was sickened by the sight of the stuff long before I married into the family of a Watergate felon (and no, I never met him).

Today, I found myself attempting to explain the contents, and appeal of Watergate salad to a Yorkie.

"Well, it has lime gelatin, pistachio pudding, lemon-lime soda and/or pineapple juice, non-dairy whipped cream, and sometimes if the chef is feeling adventurous, mini-fruit flavoured marshmallows. I'm told it is a bit of an acquired taste, but I can't say for certain as I've never tried it."

He didn't buy any. Can't say I did a very good job of selling the salad's virtues, assuming it has any. What I couldn't pin down was the origin of the name. My understanding is that it was a salad that became popular around the time of the Watergate hearings, but I have no idea if that's true, or urban folklore.

Living in the Midwest, the question is bound to come up again. Does anyone know why it is called, Watergate salad?" Curiously, it really isn't a salad at all-it is a fluffy dessert made from foods that aren't really food (save for the pineapple juice). No one calls blancmange, "salad." Maybe this is a case of calling any dessert, "pudding" or something like that.

Relax, I'm not going to attempt a nut-free version.

Anniversary Cake

To celebrate 10 years of living in Nebraska, I did something I never thought I would-I baked cake in a coffee cup in the microwave. After drinking soda for breakfast, and tater-tot casserole, I can't think of anything more Midwestern (except maybe complaining about taxes).

Dove season opened 1 September, and early this morning I woke to "pop-pop-pop" from the wildlife area next to us. At least no one was shooting them off our roof this year (true story).

Cake in a Mug:

4 tablespoons AP flour
4 tablespoons granulated sugar
2 tablespoons dark cocoa powder
2 tablespoons whisked egg
3 tablespoons milk]3 tablespoons oil
1/2 oz. chopped semi-sweet chocolate
1/4 teaspoon vanilla extract

Combine dry ingredients in mug. Mix in egg to make a paste. Stir in milk and oil. Mix well. Stir in chocolate pieces, and vanilla. Mix.

Microwave 3-4 minutes until it is puffed and solid. My 20 year old microwave took about 3 1/2 minutes.

Tip out of cup onto plate, and cool slightly (it will steam) before eating. Impress your friends.

If Emeril Had Been From Lincoln, Instead of Fall River

Mr. ETB doing his best Townie impersonation:

"You wanna kick it up a notch a meal? You should toss on some salt and pepper! That'll kick it up a Lancaster County notch or two."


In defense of Midwestern cookery, which is all I knew as a child-we do occasionally use spices. Sometimes if we're feeling really adventurous we put a pinch of cardamom in the rice pudding. In fact, my mother used to make some sort of skinless chicken breast thing (largely responsible for my vegetarianism) that involved a pinch of dried oregano. That was her, "Italian Chicken" which was different from her regular old, skinless chicken breast thing poached in V-8 juice with slimy courgettes.There might have even been some garlic powder involved. How exotic is that! My point is, we do use spices in the Midwest, we just don't get all showy about it. Sometimes the potato salad even gets some paprika sprinkled on top. You don't want to distract from the whitefish, mashed potatoes, and boiled cauliflower-all served on a white plate, with a bunch of colourful fresh herbs.

Apple ( Abomination) Delight "Salad"

As promised, here's the Midwestern horror of a "salad". What I hate to admit, (really) is that it actually tastes good. I mean, for a few tablespoons-you can't really eat more than that. I keep thinking I ought to add some really dreadful artificial food colouring to it, or a packet of Jell-O. There's something missing...something from the dark place in my memory called, "Illinois, 1974." Maybe I just need a Schlitz to fully appreciate the picnic aspect of it. I think we all know, if this were really authentic, it would have half a jar of Miracle Whip in it. Mind if I ask you a question? Do these knit Gauchos make me look fat? Yeah, I was kind of afraid they might. I was gonna get the matching vest, but I thought it might be overkill, and I needed my money for a new bottle of Aqua Net.

I'm pretty sure you won't want to make this (though if you're a local reader, and you want some, I have plenty to share) but here's the recipe, adapted from an old Amish cookbook:

You Will Need:

2 large apples, pared, cored and diced
1/2 cup chopped celery
1 cup raisins
1 cup pineapple tidbits, drained
About 10 chopped maraschino cherries
1 cup mini marshmallows (a true Midwesterner would have known to get the multi- coloured ones)

Dressing:

1 tablespoon cornstarch
1 cup water
1 teaspoon cider vinegar
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup sugar
1/4 cup cream
1 teaspoon vanilla

Finishing:

2 cups heavy cream, whipped

Combine fruits etc. in a bowl and set aside. In a saucepan, combine everything in the sauce except vanilla. Cook over medium heat, whisking until it comes to a boil. Cook until slightly thickened (about 1 minute). Remove from heat, whisk in vanilla and cool. When cool, mix into salad. Whip cream, and fold into salad, and dressing mixture. Serve well-chilled with a can of Schlitz, or tater-tot casserole.

Stupid Computer

I'm still having trouble getting the computer to read my digital camera-sometimes. Well, today it isn't working, but yesterday it was. I hate this, particularly when I've made a dessert so Midwestern in awfulness that it can only really be expressed through a photograph-the whole picture being worth a thousand words thing...except I can't find a thousand words. I was able to come up with, "Oh my god it looks like someone threw-up a watergate salad, and tossed maraschino cherries, and raisins on it before eating it, and barfing again." Now, you know that needs photographs.

I looked at that mess in a bowl and thought, "This is just one step away from eating tater-tot casserole in the church basement." Honestly, I'm not sure it deserves the step away. Marshmallows, cherries, raisins, cut-up pineapple tidbits, apples, a whipped cream and pudding type-dressing...hey, anyone want tater-tots? I sure do wish I had a tin of Mandarin orange segments.

I'll try to get the computer to read the camera again soon. I can't get it to recognise a microphone either. Bastard. I made some impressive caramel apples today as well.

Vegetarian (Meatless) Runza-Like Pastry

Cook the filling
Stick it in the dough


Bake it up all golden.



If you're not from this part of the Midwest, let me give you a crash course in Runzas. They are a cabbage and ground beef filling baked in a very fluffy dough pastry. People really seem to love them, in a somewhat fanatical fashion.

I hate to brag, but what I baked tonight (says my family) is a million times better than any Runza you can buy in a fast-food joint, meatless or not. Danny was somewhat skeptical, but after a couple bites he demolished that pastry down to the remaining crumbs.

The recipe makes a dozen. Using the fake-meat, it is probably best to re-heat them on a baking sheet in the oven rather than microwaving. I don't think they would be very nice cold. Fake-meat has limitations. I do think it could be made with seasoned black beans that have been mushed-up a bit if you really hate the texturised soy stuff. I'm not wild about it myself, but it worked really well for these.

You Will Need:

For the dough:

4 1/2 cups AP flour, divided
1/2 cup sugar
4 1/2 teaspoons granulated yeast
1 teaspoon salt
3/4 cup milk
1/2 cup lukewarm water
1/4 cup vegetable shortening
1/4 cup butter
2 eggs

Soften the yeast in the warm water and let proof. In a pan, scald the milk, vegetable shortening and butter. Cool to lukewarm. In a large bowl, combine 1 3/4 cup of the flour with the salt and sugar. Add the cooled milk mixture, the yeast and the eggs. With an electric mixer, beat three minutes on high until blended. By hand (a wooden spoon works well) mix in the remaining flour (You may need more or less) until you have a stiff, but workable dough. Knead well. Place in a buttered bowl and cover. Let rise 1 hour. Make the filling while you wait.

For The Filling:

1 tube Gimme Lean Ground Beef Substitute
3 tablespoons butter
3 tablespoons cooking oil
1 large onion, chopped
4 cups chopped cabbage
Salt and pepper to taste (the meat substitute is salty, so go easy)

Brown the onions in the oil and butter. Add the meat substitute and break-up well with a spatula. Cook a few minutes until browned. Add the cabbage and cook well until quite soft. Adjust seasonings and remove from heat. Cool slightly before filling pastry.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Grease a large baking sheet (two if they are small)

Divide dough into 12 even pieces. Roll each out into a rectangle about 1/4 inch thick. Place a few tablespoons of filling in the centre. Fold and pinch closed. Pierce with a knife to vent and place on baking sheet. Repeat until all are done. Bake 20-30 minutes or until nicely browned and golden. Serve hot.

Michigan Blueberry Pie

Growing up in the Midwest, we always looked forward to the first Michigan blueberries of the season. I'm not sure why we thought they were better, or more exotic than the East coast berries, but it was something to wait all year for. Today, the first showed up at my grocer.

I'd been filling Danny's head with all sorts of stories about how the Michigan blueberries only grow when no one is looking and they achieve this mostly at night. If you're a regular here, you've probably figured out by now that we tell our son some pretty outrageous stories, and the blueberry tale is kind of mild in comparison to our other whoppers. Anyway, he's been pretty excited about these berries.

Know what? They are better than the East coast berries we've been getting.

The pie is a fairly simple deal. I keep my spicing of fruit pies rather tame and this is no exception. I used nutmeg and lemon zest. You may prefer a bit of vanilla sugar, or cardamom, or cinnamon even. Whatever you choose, keep it subtle and let the berries be the centrepiece of the pie.

The crust recipe is quite good, but delicate. if you're not super-confident in your pastry skills, use one without sugar and butter.

You Will Need:

For the crust:

3 cups all purpose flour
1 teaspoon salt
1/4 cup granulated sugar
1 cup vegetable shortening
1/4 cup unsalted butter
1/3 cup very cold water
1 egg
1 tablespoon white vinegar

Combine flour, salt and sugar. Cut in the shortening and butter. In a bowl, mix the water with an egg and vinegar. Mix into flour mixture slowly-you may not need it all. Let rest a few minutes before rolling out. Makes 2 9 inch crusts

For the filling:

2 pints blueberries washed and stems removed
Grated zest of 1 lemon
2 tablespoons lemon juice
1 cup sugar
1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1/4 cup flour
2 tablespoons butter for dotting top
1/4 cup heavy cream for brushing crust
Sugar for sprinkling crust

Preheat oven to 400 degrees F. Fit the bottom crust into a 9 inch pie plate. Combine filling and pour into bottom crust. Dot with butter and top with other crust either cut into a lattice or a plain top. Make slits as needed. Brush generously with cream and sprinkle with sugar. Bake at 400 degrees F. for 15 minutes, then lower to 350 degrees F. for about 45 minutes or until done. I bake mine on a baking sheet-just in case.

Serve with whipped cream.

Fried Green Tomatoes

We love these so much we may never see any ripe tomatoes from our plants. I'm still sort of shocked that the plants survived the tornado (took out a barn and half the house, but the tomato plants are still standing).

Proportions are approximate-here's the method.

Slice tomatoes about 1/2 inch thick
in separate bowls place the following:
milk
2 beaten eggs
cornmeal tossed with salt and chili powder to taste
plain flour

First dip the tomatoes in milk, then plain flour. Then dip in egg, then in cornmeal. When all are coated, heat a pan with about an inch of oil over moderate heat. Fry the tomatoes in hot fat for about a minute each side or until nicely browned. Drain, eat with hot sauce.

Chicken And Noodles With Gravy

As soon as I saw Sylvie's Chicken and Gravy Stew, I knew what I wanted for my birthday dinner. I just didn't want it with chicken. I had my doubts about trying a vegetarian version of something that really relies on good chicken stock for richness. I'm pretty certain that in a side-by-side comparison mine wouldn't pass muster. Alone though, it was exactly what I wanted. I'm willing to bet there aren't too many times a post at Soul Fusion Kitchen has inspired a vegetarian knock-off (She has me this close to trying smoked pork butt-or at the very least, buying a smoker) but it is still one of my favourite reads on the Internet. I recommend going back through the archives to drool over tamales and Christmas cookies.

What I ended-up doing was making a very rich vegetable broth, heavy on carrots, onions and celery. I added my "secret" cheesecloth-bound pouch of parsley, peppercorns, thyme and a few whole cloves) along with a good-sized stem of rosemary. A couple cloves of garlic rounded it out.

Earlier this morning, I made homemade noodles and by dinnertime they were well dried.

The chicken substitute I used was made by LightLife. It was OK. I'm sure I could have made a better one myself, but I opted for convenience (heck, it is my birthday you know-and I've been on my feet since 6 AM).

I thickened some of the broth with a couple tablespoons of Wondra, some olive oil and salt and pepper. It was perfect. Exactly what I wanted perfect.

I also have enough leftover in a casserole for dinner tomorrow night-which is also, exactly what I wanted.

What more can a woman ask for on her birthday?

Cucumbers

My poor husband has had the misfortune of having shared living space with not one but two extreme haters of cucumbers. Not simply the taste, but smell as well. He likes to tell the story of how his roommate once yelled up the stairs to their apartment from the floor below to ask if he was cutting cucumbers. I'm just as sensitive, I'm afraid.

Suddenly, the people who decide what everything from our dish soap to floor wax should smell like have decided that there's just something fresh and clean and wonderful to the acidic/decomposing smell of cucumber. You know, like a compost heap. No, lavender or rose or even the tried and true pine wasn't enough for these people-now everything has to smell like the inside of the truck my father delivered barrels of pickles in-without the benefit of garlic and dill.

I know what you're thinking-but really my aversion isn't from having grown up around pickles, as I rather like the way pickling spice overwhelms the smell of cucumber. No, don't blame the old man. If anyone should bear blame for my cucumber aversion, it is my mother-and a cold salad dish she called, Farmer's Chop Suey. Not that she'd ever been anywhere near a farm, unless you can count Hickory Farms.

For the uninitiated, Farmer's Chop Suey consists of chopped-up cucumbers, radishes, and scallions mixed with cottage cheese and sour cream. I suppose it could be good made with full-fat cottage cheese and sour cream-but that never happened at our house. Instead, the lower-fat cottage cheese would get watery and the whole thing would begin to separate by the time she plopped it down at the table like some culinary triumph. All that chopping and dicing, and stirring!

OK, so you're thinking, "One serving of that doesn't sound that bad", which is true. Unfortunately, we'd be eating it for days. This salad was usually served alongside her salmon patties which had precious little salmon in them but plenty of dry breadcrumbs and dried parsley. Sometimes the Farmer's Chop Suey worked best to soften the patties up a bit...so they could be swallowed.

Still, cucumbers I'm afraid are everywhere, stinking up every public and private space one enters these days. Like the spiced potpourris of the 80's and 90's, the crap is inescapable. It is so bad, that I opened a magazine last week only to be hit by the disgusting (and really, kind of unlikely) combination of lime, vetivier and cucumber coming off of a fragrance advertisement. I ripped the offending insert from the magazine and tossed it, but the scent lingers on the pages still-weeks after. I'll likely need to pitch the magazine.

Cucumber is a useless vegetable anyway, unless you pickle it in brine-and even that's questionable. It doesn't add anything to salads that I can tell and I'm sure I'm not the first person to have their mouth itch and burn after eating it. Why? Why cucumbers? Am I missing something that the whole rest of the world appreciates? Is there any actual good use for them?

I still remember my horror as a teenager after permitting my best friend to place slices of cucumbers on my eyelids to soothe puffiness (and really, at sixteen just how much eye puffiness do you have? Certainly not enough to require the application of raw vegetables to your face). It wasn't "soothing." It burned. Oh my God in heaven, it burned like a burning, burning burning piece of veg burning the delicate (albeit allegedly puffy) skin of my eyelids. People, let me share some wisdom-vegetables are for eating. You don't want to put that stuff of your face, let alone your eyes. Yeah, yeah, "natural" I get it, but in the words of that great American example of the ravages of LSD on a person, Grace Slick:

"Poison oak is a natural plant, why don't you put some in your food? Natural food makes you slow and stupid."
-a thought to which I can only add:
"And it doesn't belong on your eyes, in your dish soap, or floor cleaner.

Homemade Noodles

I understand some people are rather particular about the way they cut their noodles-I'm not. No, you're not likely top see me taking a ruler to the dough so each noodle can be uniform size and length. Feel free to do so if you're inclined, but I have better ways to spend my time. Believe me, no one is going to notice when they get a pile of these beautiful egg noodles on their plate smothered in butter.

You Will Need:

1 1/2 cups all purpose flour

1/2 teaspoon salt

1 teaspoon baking powder

3 eggs

3 tablespoons heavy cream.

Sift dry ingredients together in a bowl. Make a well, add the eggs and cream. Stirring with a fork, work it into a ball of dough. Cover and let rest ten minutes.

Knead dough until smooth.

Flour your work surface and roll out the dough very thin. if it is too sticky, keep flouring the rolling pin.

Cover with a towel and let rest 30 minutes.

Cut into strips (some people roll the dough first, I do not). Move to a rack to dry for at least two hours (4+ is actually better).

Cook about 8 minutes in a pot of boiling broth.