ventilating

you don't have to read this entry.

i just want to ventilate so that i can regain my concentration and restore my peace of mind.

just now, we had a class on medical law by Dr Akram, IIUM's legal advisor. it was a very interesting lecture on the importance of doctors knowing the legal aspect of their practice so that they can treat patients effectively (and cover their backs too while their at it). the psychiatric nurse-cum-lawyer was very energetic and explained eloquently on the matter that everyone was wide awake through most of the lecture.

what i am furious about is what happened in between the lecture, during the 10 minute break.

the batch leader, who most kindly checked all of our forms which were to be submitted to the MMC and MMH, had found several forms which were incomplete. so he went in front an exclaimed his frustration with my batchmates who had been inconsiderate by submitting the deficient forms so he had to return them.

in order to return the lacking forms, he he went on to mention the names of the my friends who had been so thoughtless as to have done that. everyone had their fingers crossed and worried whether his or her name would be called and whether they were among the thoughtless people who had not completed the tedious form requirements.

when the first name was called, i saw from her body language (the way she walked to the front and resposnded) that she was defensive. who wouldn't be? the first thought that came to my mind was, what did she do wrong? i felt empathic and knew that if that had happened to me, i would feel the same way too. but at the same time, i also thought, may be he was so tired and stressed out with everyone's incompetence that he saw no other way to return the forms to the owners which would be less degrading or humiliating.

the next person called was one of my best friends. again, i was empathic but it was still not the same. after several other names, my name was called. huh? what did i do wrong? what was not complete? i asked my friend to check. i had submitted the form 2 days ago. the batch leader who is also in my posting could have returned it to me personally. i met him this morning. i started to fume with anger. the forms were left on the table in front and i couldnt get it until the end of the lecture.

the next 15 minutes of lecture, i couldnt concetrate because i was going through the possibilities of what i did wrong and all the less humiliating methods that he could have used to return the forms. surprisingly, all the names were girls. i guess the guys' forms which were not completed could be returned directly to them sparing their names from being called.

i know, you think i'm over reacting to this extremely small matter. so what if my name was called? so what if i had not completed the forms? why make such a big deal.

everyone wants to look good in front of others. mistakes or errors should not be publicly announced. it is okay to say something in general but when specific names are mentioned, then it makes someone look bad in front of others. although it was unintentional, it was demeaning nonetheless.

there are many hadiths stating how the prophet would go to great lengths to save the face and honour of his sahabah. when one sahabah farted, he got up to renew his wudhu' too.

i tried to concentrate on the lecture but i had to use so much extra energy to distract my thoughts from my anger that i became tired after a while. i nearly felt like crying. it doesn't help when you have a haze in your left eye, which is a temporary complication of the PRK causing light to be scattered. i had a left-sided headache from too much concentration.

i tried to convince myself that it was nothing. when the lecture ended and i looked through my form, several people asked me with concern, what was not complete? i made the mistake of actually giving one copy of the photostated forms instead of two.

it's just not the same thing when you're the name that is called.

ironically, the previous lecture did include defamation and how everyone has the right to a good name and honour. any act or word that may destroy or reduce this good name in any form, resulting in sane, responsible people or the society thinking bad of that person, can be sued under defamation. (i'm not a lawyer, forgive my deficiency in knowledge of legal terms).

moral of the story, be sensitive. if you protect people's honour as best as you can, inshaAllah, Allah will protect yours too.

MDD

at the clinic today i clerked a middleaged chinese lady and diagnosed her to have major depressive disorder (mdd) with anxiety symptoms. i had to spend a long time reassuring her about her condition and convince her to take her medication. she's a teacher so she's educated and has read a lot so it was tough convincing her as she was afraid of the side effects of the medication. she had [sychomotor retardation and couldn't concentrate on what i was telling her.

many people suffer from MDD. i wanna help these people but i have to teguhkan my perasaan dulu or i'll be affected easily.

rase macam terdevelop counter transferance je.

in 2 days i've met 2 female teachers who developed MDD. both were rather of the perfectionist type and worried a lot. i can't make any generalisation but both had an underlying susceptibility to become depressed.

"Ya Allah, please keep my mind healthy and prevent me from getting depression. and please give me the ability and competency to help others in need."

high and low

one of jo's bestfriend

it's amazing what a refreshing nap and a phone call can do to enlighten my spirits.

yesterday i joined Dr Nora's clinic sessions and met many interesting patients. we saw other cases apart from schizophrenia alhamdulillah.

today my group was scheduled to follow the community psychiatric nurse go for home visits. i was expecting an exciting day but had a rather drab one. maybe if i had been less enthusthiastic i would have felt better?

What do you do when...

What do you do when your end posting exams are 2 weeks away and there’s still so much that you don’t know?

What do you do when your ultimate exam that is designed to assess whatever you have learnt for the last 5 years and also evaluate your safety to be given the license to practice is in 5 weeks time and you don’t know what the heck it is that you actually know?

What do you do when you feel that you have been having shortness of breath on exertion (NYHA class 2), restricted airway, fullness of the throat and occasional localized, sudden onset, stabbing left-sided chest pain lasting only several seconds and an ECG and flexible nasolaryngoscopy proved absence of any pathology you diagnose yourself as hypochondriasis with globus hystericus? Oh and on otoscopy your tympanic membrane looked perfectly healthy and the ENT guy says your fit for the exams? Oh and your friends help you by teasing you about the problem?

What do you do when your frustrated with your fiancé who is acting all gloomy, refuses to speak or sms you, you don’t have a clue what is happening yet there are some things that you need to ask him?

What do you do when your posting mate has adjustment disorder because she absolutely hates psychi and cant wait to run back to the OT and her mood is contagious that your mildly infected as well?

What do you do when one of your anak usrah is conveniently uncontactable around peri-usrah (read: before and after) time but somehow can answer your sms at some other time.

What do you do when you think you like psychi but find yourself relating too much with the symptoms that you start to become depressed?

What do you do when you only study because you love spending time with your best friends in the best study group ever?

What do you do when you try to lift your spirits but find it so hard to do?

What do you do when you feel like you wanna break down and cry like you did last time in orthopaedics but it’s all stuck inside?

What do you do when you know you haven’t completed your 6 case summaries and haven’t read through your scribbled notes which you had planned to do last week and your desk is a pile of mess, but don’t feel like doing any study-related activity at present?

I dunno what you would do.

But this is what I did.

I ironed 4 baju kurungs, 4 pants, 1 white coat and 1 tudung while watching 3 episodes of House Season 4 and wrote this entry.

My diagnosis is mixed affective disoreder precipitated by recent life stressors and perpetuated by the upcoming exams and type A personality.