Dear Mentor,
When Miles Parker walks into one of his final classes of high school, the only thing on his mind is how poorly he is about to do on a quiz he didn’t study for. Then, his teacher dies – and vanishes – in front of him. After this unexplainable event happens, he thinks his day can’t get any stranger.
When Miles Parker walks into one of his final classes of high school, the only thing on his mind is how poorly he is about to do on a quiz he didn’t study for. Then, his teacher dies – and vanishes – in front of him. After this unexplainable event happens, he thinks his day can’t get any stranger.
He’s wrong.
When severe weather roars into the small city of Briskwood
and cancels school for the rest of the day, Miles thinks nothing of it. Then,
the rain suddenly turns red and mutates people into gray, spike-covered
creatures hell-bent on terrorizing everything that moves.
Miles soon finds himself trapped inside of his job, the Royal Cinema Theater, along with his best friend Trevor Johnson. There, he also meets a group of teenagers who can’t seem to get along, even in a time of crisis.
After one of the freakishly mutated people ends up inside of
the building, Miles and the others find themselves up against an enemy that is
much stronger than they are. The race for survival against this new, deadly
species is on.
With the blood rain falling all around him and the
yellow-eyed creatures, the threaders, out to murder anything that breathes,
Miles may not live to see his graduation day.
This novel connects with me on a personal level because I
have worked in a movie theater for more than three years now and I am familiar
with how a dangerous situation would affect the fragile system of the business.
BRISKWOOD BLOOD RAIN, a stand-alone novel with strong series
potential, is a thrilling apocalyptic page-turner with commercial appeal that
is currently complete at 61,000 words. Readers of Monument 14 by Emmy Laybourne
and Dark Inside by Jeyn Roberts will enjoy this adventure.
Thank you for your time and consideration,
Christopher Joubert
Chapter 1
It looks like my first accomplishment of the day is booking
myself a one-way-ticket to detention. Senior year has kicked my ass. Lately, I
just haven’t been able to get enough sleep because of the never-ending
pointless stuff that comes along with the last year of school. Just yesterday,
I was forced to take what felt like a million pictures for my graduation
invitations. The smell of bacon wafts up the stairs into my room and gives me
just the push I need to begin another long day.
“Miles, you’re going to be late.” My mom screams from
downstairs.
“Mom, you should be used to this by now.” I yell back, my
voice echoing down the halls of our large house. I drag myself from the
sanctuary of my bed to the bathroom, turn on the sink, and brush my teeth. The
morning light breaks through the dark storm clouds outside and shines through
the window. As I throw on a wrinkled Breaking Bad T-shirt and a pair of jeans
splattered with spots of pizza sauce, it thunders loudly. I slam the door to
the bathroom and bound down the winding spiral staircase.
When I enter the kitchen, I find my mom dancing to music
from whatever decade used an excessive amount of horns. Not stopping to figure
it out, I say hello to her over the noise of the blasting portable speaker,
grab a handful of bacon, and head towards the front door. She clears her throat
behind me, loud enough to be heard over the blasting saxophones and trumpets.
“What?” I whip around and peek my head back inside the
kitchen.
“Are you forgetting what I asked you to do last night?”
Damn. I honestly have no idea what she’s talking about and I don’t exactly have
the time to hear her lecture me if I admit that. She glares at me, giving me
the thorny and disapproving look that blooms inside of every mom when her child
starts to mature. Small wrinkles line the sides of her sad, blue eyes. Her
auburn hair is twisted into two braids and peppered with streaks of gray.
And now with my comments!
Dear Mentor,
When Miles Parker walks into one of his final classes of high school, the only thing on his mind is how poorly he is about to do on a add subject quizhe didn’t study for.
Then, his teacher dies – and vanishes – in front of him. After this
unexplainable event happens, he thinks his day can’t get any stranger.
When Miles Parker walks into one of his final classes of high school, the only thing on his mind is how poorly he is about to do on a add subject quiz
He’s wrong. Nice!
When severe weather roars into the small city of Briskwood and
cancels school is
cancelled for the rest of the day, Miles thinks nothing of it. the weather caused the cancelation
but didn’t cancel school. Then, the rain suddenly turns red and mutates
people into gray, spike-covered creatures hell-bent on terrorizing everything
that moves. This could be
fleshed out…this is a huge part of the story and it’s told kind of in a hum
drum way. Spice this up.
Miles soon finds himself trapped at work
After one of the freakishly mutated people ends up inside of
the building, Miles and the others find themselves up against use stronger words…like fighting an
enemy that is much stronger than they are. The race for survival against this
new, deadly species is on. This
is a great end summary sentence.
BRISKWOOD BLOOD RAIN, a stand-alone novel with strong series
potential, Great! is
a thrilling apocalyptic page-turner with commercial appeal that is
currently complete at 61,000 words. Readers of Monument 14 by Emmy Laybourne
and Dark Inside by Jeyn Roberts will enjoy this adventure. Great comp titles, capitalize
them.
Thank you for your time and consideration,
Christopher Joubert
Good
start to a query, but make it more hooky!
Chapter 1
It looks like my first accomplishment of the day is booking
myself a one-way-ticket to detention. Great first line! Mention here that he slept through his alarm or is
running late, or hasn’t managed to get out of bed yet to set the scene. Senior
year has kicked my ass. Lately, I just haven’t been able to get enough
sleep because of the never-ending pointless stuff that comes along with the
last year of school. Just yesterday, I was forced to take what felt like a
million pictures for my graduation invitations. The smell of bacon wafts up the
stairs into my room and gives me just the push I need to begin another long
day.
“Miles, you’re going to be late.,” Mmy mom screams from
downstairs.
“Mom, yYou should be used to this
by now.” I yell back, my voice echoing down the halls of our large house. I
drag myself from the sanctuary of my bed to the bathroom, turn on the sink,
and brush my teeth. He
would probably pee first. J But this info doesn’t have to be
in there. The morning light breaks through the dark storm clouds outside
and shines through the window. As I throw on a wrinkled Breaking Bad T-shirt
and a pair of jeans splattered with spots of pizza sauce, it thunders loudly. Tweak this sentence…you make it
sound like his jeans thunder loudly. I slam the door to the bathroom
and bound down the winding spiral staircase.
When I enter the kitchen, I find my mom dancing to music from
whatever decade used an excessive amount of horns. Not stopping to figure it
out, I say hello to her over the noise of the blasting portable speaker,
grab a handful of bacon, Wouldn’t
that be gross and greasy? and head towards the front door. She clears
her throat behind me, loud enough to be heard over the blasting saxophones and
trumpets.
“What?” I whip around and peek my head back inside the
kitchen.
“Are you forgetting what I asked you to do last night?”
Damn. I honestly have no idea what she’s talking about and I don’t exactly have
the time to hear her lecture me if I admit that. She glares at me, giving me
the thorny and disapproving look that blooms inside of every mom when her child
starts to mature. Way too
self-aware here. Small wrinkles line the sides of her sad, blue eyes.
Her auburn hair is twisted into two braids and peppered with streaks of gray.
This is a
good first page, you’ve got a great voice for Miles. It just needs tightening
up…too much unnecessary info.
Thanks
again to Christopher Joubert for sharing his work with us!
For the next query visit Kate on her blog on 10/27 at
katekaryusquinn.blogspot.com and I’ll have another critique right here next
Tuesday!