And so this is how the summer ends.May began and I found myself in direct conflict with a friend because of my involvement in his personal affairs. It was not my fault. I was dragged into the sweet spot after he mentioned my name to his new "special" someone in one of their text conversations. Unfortunately, such message was intercepted by his "old" one. In turn, this old one suddenly focused his attention to me.
At that time, I was a renegade. Darkstar was my confidant and we're just waiting for a new rebellion to happen. P-Man's entry into my life is at its height and my relationship with Phanks, who seemed oblivious to things between us, was at its all-time low. The "old" one texted, at first it didn't catch my attention. However, the moment he asked for my asl (age sex location), I stopped doing my work and directly called his number.
My plan was to bully him - especially once I sensed that he's not masculine enough for me.
But instead of getting terrorized, this "old" one succeeded in getting my attention. From a harmless flirt message exchanges we had that afternoon, he eventually confessed that he just came from a break-up and needed someone to talk to. Since it is my (professional) job to listen to such confessions everyday, I lent my ear hoping to somehow ease his situation.
That day, he attempted to meet me a couple of times. I knew he was in need of instructions. But Roy, who was also in-distress that evening asked for a meet-up. Choosing between the two, I met my best friend. Besides, I wasn't in the mood to meet a stranger - especially since I am beginning to figure out that I knew the characters in his story.
These characters were very close to me, and I don't want to get involved.
Past forward. Sensitive details deleted.No matter how I tried to exit from their brooding conflict, I knew I was already too involved to back off. The depth of my awareness to their situation was too significant to ignore. Besides, my most serious attempt of detachment was met with pleas and guilt feelings. The "old" one was indeed in tatters and although I don't really sympathize with him, being a human, I could not turn my back at him.
That's why I stayed.
And helped him moved on from his very traumatic break-up at the cost of having a fall-out with my friend.
Mid-May, the "Big Hit" left me severely shaken.I was accused of something I did not commit. P-Man told me through an e-mail how dare that I told everyone the things between us. He further added that I was a liar for spreading a nasty rumor that we're an "item," when in fact, I didn't see us as one.
I swear by my blog that such grand illusions never crossed my mind.
That day, I decided to cut all ties with him. I was not mad but I was extremely hurt by the accusations he said in his e-mail. In fact, I was so hurt that I posted his e-mail in my other blog. I wanted to remind myself, that sometimes, compassion has a price. P-Man was a very close friend, alright, but I never dreamed of complicating my own situation by asking him to become my other partner - or something close to that.
His friendship was enough, but he never saw it the way I did.
And in the end, life dictates that we are meant to separate ways.The days after were spent reassessing my situation in the office. On one hand, I kept my distance to my colleagues believing that one of them might be the spreader of the nasty rumor. Whatever he told P-Man was a huge blow to my ego. First, I wasn't an
ilusyonada and second, if ever I will tell someone something about us, I'd be more lofty with my words. After all, whatever I experienced with him was something out of the ordinary.
It was something very special.
For the first time, I saw my colleagues as back-stabbers. Worst of all, I had this feeling that the bearer of the bad news was someone close to me as well. It took me over a week before I started talking again with the people, in the new room where I transferred.
And yet, the struggle continues.
Last week we had an inuman session somewhere in Libis. I showed up to support a team leader who was organizing the event that is supposed to be our summer outing. To my surprise he was there too - even if I knew him as one of the anti-socials in my shift. Therefore, I had to play cool and unaffected. I drunk hard, socialized with the people I rarely talk when at the floor, and had many bottoms up just to endure seeing his face looking at me.
When I felt that I had enough alcohol to inflate my depressed ego, I bid goodbye to everyone - except to him. As I walked away from my group, the thoughts of saying goodbye and hoping to get a favorable reply was beginning to weaken my defenses. After much thought, I told myself, I'm just human not to feel. So I texted,
"Ingat ka sa pag-uwi."But I never received any reply.
His non-response was another massive blow I somehow expected. For the first time, I realized how proud he was and how pathetic my attempts were to salvage whatever chances of friendship between us was left. But still, I remained cool. My ego may have been further tarnished, but I know how to redeem myself with a fraction of that lost pride.
So I went to Dodong's place, and there, we had another round of beers, while doing soundtripping the whole evening.
At past 11 pm, I decided to call it a night. I left Dodong's pad half-drunk but feeling much better. On my way home, someone unexpected sent me a text reply:
- Read the Grand Scheme of Things for the back story -It was P-Man and as a reply to my earlier text, he hinted that he found a new one which was also a colleague.
Even today, I still wonder if such deliberate message was meant to hurt me, tell me to back-off, or nicely inform me that he had a new one - so that, in his perception, I won't wait for him to come back.
But it doesn't matter, at least I found a missing piece to this ongoing showdown with him. In the long run, we may show the coldest
dedma for all we want, but so long as he is truly happy with someone else, then all is not lost between us. My passing was someone else's gain.
It just took one summer - one month for things to drastically change the landscape around me. When I had chosen to get involve with the "old" one instead of my friend, I knew that my decision meant that things between us (my friend) are over - no matter how positive my intentions were. Yet in choosing to side with his ex, comes a new realization and respect to my already shattered relationship with Phanks.
At the height of his ex's flight to freedom, I witnessed how tormented he was in his weakened state. Many times, he asked me when will the pain end or when will his ex finally see the light. In his suffering, I saw Phanks and what might have been his reaction once I call it quits. I tell you, there were many frustrating moments - in consoling a person who is trying his best to move on and forget a broken relationship. When it seem like things are going better for him, one thought of pain and a memory of lost love and things would tumble back again from where we started. Such cycle left me feeling hopeless in my attempts to set him free.
But he struggled. Quietly, he gathered his strength and confidence to face whatever unfinished business he had with his past. He did it all by himself especially after the "Big Hit," had put me in the defensive. Suffice to say, every step of the way, he consulted me. In turn, I gave him an abstract instructions for I was also looking for my own directions out of my own mess.
He continued moving on. It appeared that the strength I gave him when I was still stronger was enough to keep him seeking his own way out. His quest for emancipation meant that my gamble and sacrifice had paid off. It also gave me a glimmer of hope that one day, the ghost of P-Man will eventually cease haunting me.
It maybe a long-shot but surely it would come.
With P-Man's total exit from my life, the void he left was gradually taken over by Phanks. This time, I never let anyone else distract my feelings - even if it is possible. As I gathered my own strength, the thought of playing around never crossed my mind. In fact, I almost deleted my G4M account out of fear of getting involved with someone else again, and suffer the same or much worse consequence simply because I never learned anything from my summer distraction.
Indeed, emotions is something we humans should never trifle upon. May ends and it seems like I have lost too many things that I may never be able to recover again. Yet, I am beginning to learn that such lost has a reason. Despite the break-up between my friend and his ex, I still, never blames anyone for it - for there is a reason why they have to separate ways. In fact, as their story continues, I think both of them are finally beginning to see the consequences and possible hope of their action.
Same thing is true with me. I let my guard down with P-Man by showing him more concern and attention at the risk of getting noticed by everyone. In the end, I did get notice and the other person misunderstood my kindness and it resulted to a fall-out that still makes me feel somewhat bitter now that I am recalling it.
But surprisingly the lost wasn't a total lost at all. For I see a silver lining behind the dark clouds that hovered above me. Beyond the sweetest memories and the painful acceptance of defeat, there is, one single victory that makes all of these struggles meaningful at best.
For all the pain and emotional torture I suffered from two different battlefronts, its most shining conclusion was peace and renewed harmony at the homefront.
The rains have begun and with it comes a renewed sense of vigor and life that keeps my relationship with Phanks thriving.
