I'm not one

to use the word "never," because quite honestly I'm afraid it would come back to bite me in the butt & I really don't have any of that to spare.

BUT!!!! I'm making my testimony now & it's in writing for all the world to read...."I, Dawne Ivey, being of sound mind & a healthy body, will NEVER and I repeat, NEVER, go into a tanning bed again!!"

Ya see, living down here in the beautiful Gulf Coast, why would I need a tanning bed? I mean, I already possess a natural olive complexion & tan beautifully during the summer. Alas, the weather also gets extremely hot down here & the humidity? Well, that's another story in itself. So, I decided I can no longer bear the heat of the beach & thought I'd hit the tanning bed once a week, or so, with tonight being my first trip. Now, the last time I visited a tanning bed was approximately 10-years ago & I remember having issues then, but apparently my fear has escalated to the point of no return.

I lay in the bed, with my appropriate eye-wear on, of course, along with my bathing suit, because this girl's naked body ain't touching something that someone else's naked body touched. I have my iPod playing & the fan on medium. I do NOT have the door to the bed closed completely (another fear in itself) & I push "start." 15 minutes.....I can do this. 1/2 way into "Girls don't Cry," I start hearing a popping noise. Not liking it one bit...I mean, it sounds like popcorn in a microwave for goodness sake. Then, I realize I have 2 metal hoops on my bathing suit.....Oh gosh......I can see the electricity start to fly. I'm wondering if I need to get out of the bed & go consult the young girl up front (who cares if she thinks I'm a complete idiot). I decide against doing so & continue tanning, all the while listening to the popping noises of the bed (yes, heard over the music of Fergie) & waiting for the entire thing to explode, when all of a sudden I start feeling some *twitching* in my stomach area? Oh geez....now my insides are starting to cook!! I knew it...I knew this was a bad idea, as I try to calm myself, relax & listen to Alannis Morsette's "Isn't it Ironic?" No, it's not ironice & at this point, I'm really starting to sweat (seriously, I am), as I start to think of the bulbs exploding, my body crashing through this tube that's holding me up, my flesh melting against the shards of glass & my eyeballs popping out because I opened them (even w/the glasses on) while I was in there. Midway through "I hope you Dance," I can no longer stand it & I reach out & turn the bed off manually. I calmly get out, wipe myself down from any germs & redress. Find out I only had a couple minutes left of my 15-minute session & tell myself as I'm leaving the building "No Dawne, you will NEVER visit one of these again."

Okay, so I realize I have serious issues with this whole tanning thing, but who the heck came up with the idea of lying in a tube w/hot bulbs surrounding our fleshy bodies & said "Hey, this looks like a good idea?" Definitely wasn't me!!