Losing hope yet again. Seems like nothing will last.

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My mentality has completely changed. In the past, I would like to join competitions in hope that I will be scouted or something. But now, I am more into gaining experience. Perhaps I feel too old to debut already.

And realised a lot of non-idol Korean groups are seriously underrated. Like 4Men, 2BIC. They are really good, powerful vocals. But for certain reasons, they are not well-known or popular. Perhaps cos people so not take notice of ballad groups as much. But can't deny they are talented.

4Men.

2BIC.

And out of all ballad groups, my favourite! 2AM!!

Don't stop me from chasing my dreams, just because you dare not chase after yours!

A thought struck me. When should I leave this place? When should I stop working? When I finish paying for all my school stuff? Until I am sure to chase my dreams, until I find a proper job? I don't know.

Haven't been working for quite a long time, 2 weeks. Trying hard to fulfill my dreams, taking a small step each time.

My voice might be nice, maybe, but people would not specifically remember or like it. Is it time to give up? But Laoshi believed in me, do I want to let her down? But all I know is, I still love to sing, and dance.

Why so many negative thoughts again? Well, time to sleep.

CJ Concert!

I am really really very lucky.

Don't know if it is psychological effects or what. My throat feels weird since this morning. Like I can feel 'air' in it, like there a hole in my throat. And for a moment, I could not even produce a sound. It scared the s*** out of me. But luckily it slowly came back and was perfectly fine during Xiao Jiu Wo. But I was short of breath for the first part. Tried pulling the mic away. My throat now, still feels weird.

And my right leg. Have like cramps, muscle cramps since afternoon. But during Bounce, it felt alright.

It was so funny! During the full run, cos they ran through the items quickly, I danced in my XJW outfit, and got people ask why this scene got teacher one! LOL!! And people could not recognise me after I put on make up. Cindy was like, "Oh, are you Qian Yi? You look so different." And Marcus, I smiled at him then he said, "Omg, Qian Yi?" then he wanted to take photo, asked me I'm Qian Yi right? HAHAHAAH!

And while preparing and taking part in the concert, I know a little more about the fellow crew members. Making friends with a few of them. :) I like the feeling. Remembering when I first stood into CJ as a new crew member.. AWKWARD for the first few times. Cos I don't know if the people know me, and will they think I'm crazy if I anyhow smile at them. But now, I can just say hi to everyone! :D Yup, CJ is like a family to me now. :)

Overall, I think CJ Concert has been awesome. And I totally enjoyed the stage. Hoping the audiences did too. I gave my best. So no regrets. :)

I'm gonna be thrown back to reality soon. Have to review my exams results sooner or later.

Today, my life begins.

Feels like a dream come true. :)

Remembering how laoshi helped me out of the storeroom yesterday. LOL! I was kind of stuck, having to climb out. Nearly fell and laoshi was worried for me. Thanks, laoshi! :)

LOL! Heard Fujibe-san wanted to support me at CJ Concert busy or not busy. But too bad boss is coming. Don't know whether can believe him. LOL! And he wanted to set up/bring a fan club for me! HAHHAHAAH, Fujibe-san!!

Off for 2 weeks, and I think I'm starting to miss work. Slacking too much at home.

Went for Drum TAO concert just now with Karen-san, Matsuoka-san, Miyazaki-san, Jiaxin, Danica, Jun Guang, Jason, Vivien, Yamade-san and Cheryl. Really love their performance.

Bosses so funny when they saw my new hair colour.

Karen-san was like "Oh, you are becoming more and more feminine."

Matsuoka-san: "Nice hair!"

And Miyazaki-san was like who is this, oh!

I was worried that it will not be acceptable for work, cos they stated no offensive colour, but seems fine so far. :) Still not very used to it. But Jiaxin says it looks nicer. Curls with black was kind of weird. And I look younger and less foreigner now. :))

Believe

All time favourite! <3

Guys who can sing and dance are so attractive. HHAHAHAHAH!!

My left knee is hurting I don't know why. Ever since I went jogging. :( Making me wonder if I should go jogging later.

CJ Concert full run yesterday. 4 words to describe it: It's gonna be great! :)

Happy National Day! Although I missed every aspect of it due to rehearsals for the CJ Concert. Feeling extremely bad to leave early when they were still busy. And was kind of feeling horrible cos of my mistake during work. Wrote the order wrongly, causing 4 ramen losses.

Panicked when the system failed for maybe 5 minutes, especially with a customer waiting.

I am grateful for my nice bosses, who are forgiving and understanding. Morning when I was preparing for opening, I had the thought of working in Ippudo even after I graduate. But what if all my bosses change or if I get bored of the work. But as the management (if I become one next time) I will be able to travel and work in the Ippudos throughout the whole world.

While on the train to CJ, a thought struck me. It was like "Dreams vs Reality". I can refer CJ and performing (singing and dancing) as my dream, and work as reality. And for now, I am putting CJ/dream as my priority since I asked to leave early from work for rehearsal. Don't know if it's right. But I think I will feel happier, although I feel a little irresponsible to leave them alone during the busy period.

That's why I decided not to work at all next week. One, to make sure I will get enough rest. Two, I don't want to change and schedule or leave early due to last minute rehearsals anymore.

Everything else doesn't matter. Family matters the most.

Omg, I'm still tearing. My heart hurts so much. Cos my mother just wrote a letter to apologise to me for not letting me stayover that night on my birthday. She asked me not to be angry and will give me choice of freedom in the future. But the problem is, I wasn't even angry, but just a little disappointed. But all that were over once I was on the train home.

Heard her cry over the phone. Omg, another heartbreak. Tears can't stop flowing now.

I really was not angry, I was really busy these few days, leaving home early and returning late. Hardly saw her, so I didn't know how she was feeling.

Really grateful that she accompanied everywhere and purposely to see doctor with me. After all these, our ties will be even closer.

CJ Celebration

One of the many things I love about CJ crew. They celebrate each month babies' birthday. They celebrated the August's today. I kind of suspected.  Haha. Cos Alton's and mine was just yesterday.

Emergency meeting informed through whatsapp. Obviously not mass sent. I choose to believe in the end and scared i was late, so i cabbed down after bounce. And can see then trying to communicate through their eyes.

A little special for this month's cos some dancers were there too. Cookie cake! Plus using lighter as candle. Haha! Two of us got a mini cake for our own. Laoshi then came out with the bear, I didn't expect this. Thanks, laoshi! Cos we never really work much together. Surprised by the handwritten letter too. :)

Thanks for vocal crew for staying after practice, and xw for coming down purposely. But we did the impromptu national day recording.

Had fun today. Though I went CJ for We Are Young, tpy cc for bounce then came back again. But it was a day well-spent doing the stuff I like.

Really feeling so loved. Thank you everyone for making my 21st such a awesome and unforgettable one.

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21st!

Omg, really a great surprise from 12 friends! Blindfolded me up to a hotel room in Festive Hotel. Supposedly a mini steamboat buffet dinner, with 4 other people. With Jiaxin and Vanessa leading me up. Theresa and Marilene left first, Theresa had to "study for her exam" (really have tomorrow evening) and Marilene went to say hi to her parents and uncle.

When I finally saw light again, in front of me was Marilene holding the pretty board. And suddenly everyone popped out. Lol, some at the balcony (oh shit, i didn't explore that part :[[[[), some hiding on the top kids bed, and some under the blanket. hahaha! thank you sooooo much!

Too bad I can't stayover, as usual. but totally understand from my mother's point. She has been accompanying me everywhere these few days. from shopping to seeing doctor (twice)! Sore throat plus loss of voice, and stye now.

Can't believe Marilene and Jiaxin actually contacted my close friends and korkor.

Truthfully I feel disappointed not receiving wishes from certain people. More of sad actually. My younger brother and Kohei-san! :((((((( Maybe Kohei-san doesn't know it's my birthday. But I miss him. :(

But still I am thankful for everything today, and my friends.

I feel bad cos I didn't treat many of them, as I only wanted a small group, like those really close ones. From a simple dinner to a great surprise. Appreciated it a lot.

Leading me to think, am I worth for you all to do so much for me? Really touched.

And I still hate to say.. I'm 21. Don't want to grow up!! :((

Sigh, one year older now. Just want to spend my day peacefully with my loved ones. A simple dinner with friends.

Stepping into adulthood. No, I don't want. But time and tide waits for no one. I'm 21 now.

Have to accept it no matter what. A year wiser, but heart is still young! I really want to be 18. There are so much I have yet to accomplish. I want to be younger so I have more time to polish myself as a performer, in terms of singing and dancing. But I'm old now. :(

But I've accomplished quite a lot when I was 20. I got to stand on stage again to perform, as I got into CJ Crew. It really felt like a step closer to my dreams. Although it's so far away, but I took a step towards it.

Sometimes I wonder if I am a good friend. I feel that I do not put in as much effort as I do last time. Maybe I am just tired of all those.

But still, I am having off tomorrow! Can sleep in, but maybe not. Might have to see a doctor for my eye. So painful, my left eye. Feels like I was punched in the face. Getting more and more painful, every time I blink.