Sometimes, I wish I was a few years younger, and be living in another country. Would things be different?
Yeah, I highly think so. I might not be able to sing and dance like I do now. I might not have supportive parents and friends. I might not meet that many people who changed my life.
So, I'm really grateful for what I have now. I just have to treasure everything I have now, and live it to the fullest.
So surprised to see my name with a position "management". A shock of my life, cos I am just a part-timer. Last time was "admin". Makes be ponder again.. Should I continue working here after my graduation? I'm quite happy with this job. But is this really what I want? I don't want to serve for the rest of my life also. So I'll give it some serious thoughts first.
I know how much my managers trust and rely on me. But I've came to a point where sometimes I panic cos I feel life I can't improve anymore. Not that I am perfect, but just I don't know how to do better. Others are good too. I don't want to be stagnant too.
Maybe a change in environment will be good. Sydney outlet really looks fun.. I miss my 2 managers, who are there currently..
It is more of having heartpain than being angry. Seems like you never thought the problem lies with you. Seems like you haven't got it. Okay, maybe I didn't think the problem lies with me too.
But are you the only one with feelings and bad mood? If you haven't already realised, I doubt you have..
Just let me be alone, for now.
In the past, I put others before me. Now, I don't know if I still do. Always hoping to treat myself better. I like being more selfless too. But sometimes it just feels that it does not pay. Thinking for others, but all they do is think for themselves as well and taking you for granted.
Anyway, I have got a few feedback that I an very sincere. Lol. Just believe that I should treat people the way I want to be treated. But sarcasm is fun nevertheless.
Evaluation is over! 心中的一块大石终于放下了。English song killed me as expected.
Feedbacks I've gotten.
I have a nice voice. I am one of the few who are sincere when I am singing. I have improved in terms of range, using a mixture between mixed and head, somewhere between there. Was one of the lower ranged ones. Registers are correct for 回家。Good effort for We Have Nothing.
But I have to hold the stage. It's not just the expression on the face, I have to use my body to bring my through and help me as well. I have to learn to use my larynx, cos when I go into high notes, my voice becomes thin. I have to sing with less air. I have to learn to slang while singing English songs. Cannot be shy to perform.
Sometimes I'll wonder, will things be different if i was born in a richer family? Like then, I could learn singing easier, ballet, piano, guitar.... My answer always comes up with a no. I won't have the talents if my parents were rich, and I doubt they will support me. So I'm happy with what I have now, even by using my own 能力 to chase after what I want.
Although I can't see what is in front of me now. Even though I have lost my directions and don't know what I want anymore.
Just be contented.
There are always some artistes who makes me feel like giving up. Cos I know I can never be comparable to them. It's not a bad thing actually, still love some of them. Look up to them.
There are some who makes me feel inspired. Gives me energy and asks me to go on. Cos there is always this slim possibility that we might succeed one day if we do not give up.
Parts of tonight, I was touched, tearing up. Really really touched. Singers like JJ, Della...
I think that every singer went through a period when they doubt themselves. I remember Wei Li An one said there was a period he hated his voice. That is what I'm going through I guess. I'll get over it soon.
One thing I can't understand. Why do people like to compare so much, compare their children with others. As a benchmark, as a way to show off? Every one is different in their own ways, they are good at different things.
Met my neighbour auntie, who lives 10 floors above me, yesterday. First question, how's school? First thought, oh no the question I hate most. My uncle asks that every time also. And my answer will always be the same.. Okay lor.
Maybe it's a common topic, or it is just to see how badly I am doing. Asked about me, my brothers.. Give me a feeling that they are trying to embarrass us, cos uni is hard and we can't cope and do as well as their children.
Okay. If I compare myself with those professional singers, it's upward social comparison. I get guidance, but decreased self-esteem. This is what I learn from ESAP. So I shall not be disheartened and learn from them. Look to to them, they are examples.
My executive function.. Promotion focused/approach tendency to reduce discrepancies between actual and ideal self. That is to work harder! :)
Applied psychology yeah!
Karen-san once told me that Fujibe-san thinks that the way I speak is very interesting. Something like there are hidden meanings in my words，很有意思。I was quite shocked. How did he know? Haha.
And Karen-san said I don't want to talk only, once I open my mouth all the sarcasm comes out.
Watched Idol Managers (ep. 10), love how MBLAQ trash out their unhappiness with each other. Maybe they will fight behind the scenes, that I don't know. But that seems to make their brotherhood stronger.
Maybe cos they are guys, so they are more able to take criticism, expect SeungHo. But guys have higher ego too right?
I really want to sort this out. I hope I can 看开一点，and心胸放宽一点.That way I think I will feel better.Cos now I'm unhappy with minor things.
There are always two sides to a story. Is it because I never understood you, or is it because you/I changed?
I really feel like find to bang wall. The angel and devil in me. This feeling.. And why am I so persistent in 'investigating' and making myself feel worse. Hah.I will not be like you. I don't want to be like you. That is why I am running away from all possibilities of me becoming like you.
What's wrong with people these days. Haha, I don't like to make new friends.
Don't know what to do and say anymore. Feel like giving up. 不知所措。金盆洗手。 I'm so silly. Getting so affected, without anyone knowing. Strong in the outside. Feel like crying this feeling away. 울고 싶어요. Shall blast some music to cheer myself up. I wonder how the idol groups can maintain their relationship even meeting every day, especially the females. There's a saying: 因了解而分离。Guess 我的心胸要再阔一点。 Or maybe it's just on the screen. We won't have how they are like behind the screen. But their friendships seem so perfect. Can't compare.Challenging songs give me a sense of accomplishment when I manage to hit the high notes. Feels like head voice, although I don't what technique it is. But I can hit. Feel happy and touched.
Recall the days when everything seemed so hard and impossible. I have to work harder. And must have more confidence. I can do this!
Was wondering... Is it possible to get tired if being yourself? Cos I think I am. Feels so tired of thinking so long and so much. Feels tired of living in other people's expectation. Sometimes, I just want to doing and speaking what I really want, are you feeling that way too? But that is totally the other side of me, so in the end I still behaving the way people expect of me.
Still moody from yesterday. Too much thinking. All the disappointment, in myself too. The helplessness. Makes me super easy to be annoyed today..still can't cheer up.
I know it's crazy to think this way... But sometimes I really feel that I should not care and put so much effort. That's why from years ago, I feel myself being a lot less caring and concerned. Don't really like this feeling. But I feel that it's not worth it at times. I should treat myself better.
I ever thought that I will never bring my personal problems to work. But today, I did. Just can't feel happy at all. But I think I controlled it quite well. Not a black face, maybe just a one with less smiles, I didn't explode on anyone. Not angry anyway, just unhappy. But I was really easily irritable. Luckily this afternoon was not busy.
A night's sleep was not enough to bring the blues away. It's okay, it will pass by tomorrow. I'll be back to the usual (cheerful?) me soon.
Getting more sian at work, cos of 2 factors. 1. The dishwasher 2. He, who shall not be named. The dishwasher is perfectly fine. But just uneasy that he is overly friendly to me. And the he, just annoys me a lot a lot. Always trying to act smart. You dare touch my bills. It's like you are not a qualified cashier yet. I was free, just call me lar. Maybe it's biasness on my part. But it kind of turns me off at work.The type of personality I hate most, congratulations, is one who acts smart. Cos I think I'm smart and good enough, so you don't have to tell me what to do. I'm sorry, but I'm a Leo, you see. And the main point is, I'm sorry to say this but, I don't think you are better than me in any way.
That's about all my complaints. I will be back to me tomorrow.
It is obvious that in order for people to enjoy watching you performing, you yourself must enjoy the stage. You have to relax and feel the music. It's really hard for me.
Have to hide the nervousness, have to fake confidence.
Emotions, I don't know how to express them. it's really touching when one performs with much emotions and passion.
Really feel like singing, yeah at this unearthly time. Itching to sing since forever. But time for bed.
I need to study tomorrow. Study, sing, watch running man. Need to complete this week's so I can watch idol manager on Monday. Go Go!
I am thinking if I'm allergy to coke. Lol. Did I drink coke on Friday?
Quite sure my Angel is a guy. Haha. The handwriting, the gift itself.
Cos I'm a 'singer', and chocolates are not that good for throat. But nevertheless, I love chocolates! Thank you, Angel! ^.^ But lucky guess that my favourite colour is purple? Don't think anyone in CJ knows. Heh. Perhaps just randomly took a post-it, high possibility. Lol. Oh yeah, I suddenly recalled I wrote about my favourite colour in my return letter to my Angel. And I just remembered saying I like chocolates. So actually my Angel is so thoughtful. Heh. Thanks~
Ignorance is bliss. Sometimes I just hope I don't think that much, that far.
Don't like it when people let their feelings known and affect other people's mood as well. Although I always lose my temper on my mum.
I just hope that people will be a little more considerate.
Random fact: I don't like it when the dishwasher talks to me, hate it when he calls my name. Just don't like. But I can't be rude. I can't lie. Although sometimes I like to lie in the form of acting, for fun and entertainment. But I can't lie when it comes to serious stuff. But sometimes pretending not to hear, acting blur and laughing is the best way to resolve an awkward situation.
My mentality has completely changed. In the past, I would like to join competitions in hope that I will be scouted or something. But now, I am more into gaining experience. Perhaps I feel too old to debut already.
And realised a lot of non-idol Korean groups are seriously underrated. Like 4Men, 2BIC. They are really good, powerful vocals. But for certain reasons, they are not well-known or popular. Perhaps cos people so not take notice of ballad groups as much. But can't deny they are talented.
4Men.
2BIC.
And out of all ballad groups, my favourite! 2AM!!
Don't stop me from chasing my dreams, just because you dare not chase after yours!
One of the many things I love about CJ crew. They celebrate each month babies' birthday. They celebrated the August's today. I kind of suspected. Haha. Cos Alton's and mine was just yesterday.
Emergency meeting informed through whatsapp. Obviously not mass sent. I choose to believe in the end and scared i was late, so i cabbed down after bounce. And can see then trying to communicate through their eyes.
A little special for this month's cos some dancers were there too. Cookie cake! Plus using lighter as candle. Haha! Two of us got a mini cake for our own. Laoshi then came out with the bear, I didn't expect this. Thanks, laoshi! Cos we never really work much together. Surprised by the handwritten letter too. :)
Thanks for vocal crew for staying after practice, and xw for coming down purposely. But we did the impromptu national day recording.
Had fun today. Though I went CJ for We Are Young, tpy cc for bounce then came back again. But it was a day well-spent doing the stuff I like.
Really feeling so loved. Thank you everyone for making my 21st such a awesome and unforgettable one.
Decided to visit a doctor for my sore throat. Super worried about throat now. Hurts. CJ Concert is coming so soon. Have to heal it asap, for practices. Strained quite a bit for yesterday's practice. Losing my voice, yet again.
Most common problem of mine stiff neck and lost of voice. Why like that.
I myself can't understand my body.Only had 15 minutes for 7 hours of work, it's crazy. But I survived. Cos I'm from Mandarin, where I once had 7 hours without break. Cos it was the first few weeks after opening, too busy and lack of staff.
Pimples everywhere on my face. Have to sleep early.Hate losing my voice. Hard to speak, can't sing. Such a torture. 不能吃太热，也不能吃太凉。真是的。Hehe, I'm so happy today. I got assurance regarding my dance. Was having rehearsal for basics 2 when some crew members came and watched a little. Many were shocked that I can dance. Delwyn, Alton. Heather said I danced like Yuzhen, just that she is more manly when dancing. Guin says I have the seh.
They said it was nice. Chairul said from the Monster choreo that time, he realised I have the lines and can catch steps fast, the people in front were unable to.
I am happy. Cos I was always told that I was very soft last time, cos I was from Chinese dance. So I guess there is improvement. But I think I have to work hard even more!
And for vocals, why am I still a little unconfident? Although I feel slightly more confident singing in front of people now, but I was trying to avoid eye contacts when Sophia was picking people for solo. But in the end, I got the part with just the 4 of us.
Shouldn't I be more confident and proud to do solos?
But I dare to sing more now. Which is good. Around 1 more month to CJ concert. I still have time to improve myself! Jiayou! :D
Now that exams are over, I can only regret that I didn't study hard enough? MA was the worst paper ever. A miracle if I pass. But actually, some better last minute last minute revision would have gotten me a little more marks. And I can feel a little more secure?
But it's okay. At last I'm free for the time being. At least 4 months. Well, I only need to start worrying about my results 3 months later. As much as I hate it, I think I'll most probably be seeing MA again. Tsk. But I pray hard.
I need to memorise Twinkle. Learn the dance. And I'm gonna do a kpop cover with Yifang! Soooo exciting! With the help of my cousin as guitarist. :) And then I'm gonna learn Sherlock MV dance with 4 others. We will be 'Shiny'! How I hope right, it's just for fun. Of course I'm gonna cover Onew's part. Hehe.
Okay, back to work this week. I hope they will open a new outlet soon. I would totally like a change of environment. But we are seriously understaffed. As much as I want to help, although I don't really feel like working, (and I need money) I can't work much. Cos I want to enrich myself and my weekends are really a little packed, at least for Saturday. I need time to practise also, can't expect me to sing and dance in the office. Haha.
My managers are always understanding, and I'm very grateful for that. I miss my managers, although I often feel stressed, cos I feel that they have a high expectation of me- the permanent part-timer.
I want to sleep but can't seem to get to sleep.
Too excited for tomorrow? Actually I'm scared. My last paper but do not prepared. Pray hard. I hope I won't regret cos I was quite lazy today.
Anyway, I have lots of things I want to do after exams. I don't know if I will have the time actually. Work will take up quite a lot of my time. Although I don't think I will be working a lot, like last time. Not a workaholic anymore. Now as I think of working, I'm quite bored.
But well, I need the money. But but, I want to enjoy more of my holiday. It's like once a year, omg.
Okay, shall force myself to sleep now. I don't want to lose precious marks to carelessness. Marks are really precious. I need 34 of them.
After my last paper, I want to:
-Learn guitar (was my plan last year)
-Watch many many shows
-Learn some MV dances on my own
-Continue with basics 2
-Learn piano
-Learn more Korean songs
Continue what I am doing now, and do even better:
-Vocals
-Korean
Actually I have so many musical instruments at home, which I don't touch. I should learn them one by one.
I'm happy today, for vocal training. Even though it was rather embarrassing, I had a good laugh at myself for my Chinese way of pronouncing the English lyrics of the song. I should totally listen to more English songs. But they are not my favourite to be honest.
Anyway, I'm happy cos my instructor said my range improved. He said last time my voice will be sounding like it is going to break already. I was only scared that I haven't shown any improvement. But now I can be a little relieved. But I will not be complacent, this is instead a motivation for me to work harder. Cos it shows that I can actually do it. I'm gaining back my confidence bit by bit. Hwaiting!
I always thought that I was not bad. But it's until I joined the crew that I realise I am not good enough. Especially to be put up on stage for a performance.
I was really lucky to be able to perform with my fellow batch already. Like in just 2 months being in the crew, I had this chance. I'm so honoured.
I have so much to work on. But at least now, I feel not as nervous performing in front of my fellow members already. Laoshi's method of teaching is really good. I've learnt to relax and have fun more. But still so not natural. I really have to much to improve on.
Remember the last lesson.. I was totally stiff, and awkward. This lesson was a total surprise which caught me off guard with the 2 guy dancers' collab. But I really had so much laughter.
Although I'm not the best singer, I mean everybody has their own strengths and weaknesses, I have learnt to enjoy the stage a bit more. Just let go more. Slowly bit by bit, I'll try to improve.
There was a few periods which I totally doubted my own abilities. But now I'm getting it back, my confidence. Not super confidence on stage. But I believe I will improve one day. I will work hard towards that day. But it still be a long way to go.
There were moments which I asked myself. Why am I here, is this what I want? Now I can say yes, at last I'm having fun. I'm really learning a lot.
Although I can never be a professional, but I guess this is what people call passion. And I don't think I will give it up as yet. :)
If only I have the courage to really perform. I have to learn to let myself go when I'm performing. I admire people with the courage. They always seem to have more fun. I'll do better the next time.
I need to have more confidence in myself. I'm losing it. All of a sudden, I lost my confidence in singing. Somehow, I just feel inferior.
Where is the confident and 追求完美 me? I have to find her back. Where is my passion? I need to get it back.
Sometimes I just wonder how did I get into the crew? Is it really because good words were put in for me? Yes, this is how much words affect me. A Leo needs assurance, lots of it. But I think it is unfair for the judges that way too. Shouldn't doubt their judgement and transparency. I just need to trust myself more.Somehow, the more I sing, the more I lose my confidence.
I hate to ask for comments and feedback cos I am afraid to get negative ones. Perhaps cos I am a Leo, I have strong pride. I have to learn to accept.
It's funny how I always ask people to have more confidence in themselves and not to worry so much, but me myself is doubting my own ability. I know saying is always easier than doing. So.. I'll try to have more confidence in myself too. I should stop giving myself too much pressure. I should stop comparing myself with others. I should just challenge myself to be better. :)