Drip drip...

I learned to swim when I was around 6. I have swam in pools, ponds, rivers, lakes and oceans. I have no problem with large bodies of water no matter what size. I didn't think it really mattered how much water there was, if you know how to swim, you swim. You wouldn't drown unless something tragic happened. You swim in an ocean just like you swim in a swimming pool. 

However,  I have learned in my life  that there is a certain body of water that is just the right amount that could put you in danger of drowning if you aren't careful. Funny thing is, it's not very much water at all. A tiny little amount in relative terms. About the size of a tear. Or two...or three. 

The only body of water I have ever feared drowning in is the one made up of all the tears I have shed in my life and not just any tears, not the ones caused by others but the ones I have caused myself. Those are the most toxic and most likely to fill my lungs and drag me under into its suffocating swirling black depths. 

You would think I would keep that in mind, that toxic body of water, that grows deeper with every new drop I feed it. 

Dream a Little Dream ...and Make it a Big Dream

This is the story that was printed in the newspaper...along with a second part after the "waiting begins". Hope you all like it. Tell me what you think. Don't worry, I can take it. I might add that originally the story was complete with the "waiting begins" part but the editor wanted a second part, or continuation, in order to have a follow up printing. Like a series I guess. Which means I had to rethink another ending beyond the first ending. Wasn't easy and I'm not sure the second ending really fits the story as a whole plus I wrote it about two years ago so the groove I was in at the time just isn't here now. At any rate, here it is. You all (if you are still here) might remember the first part of this story from few years ago. 

Dream a Little Dream
Lee Ann Fleetwood
As the last page slips into the tray she gathers the pile up, straightens them up, and lays them down on her desk. She sits awhile just looking at them and not thinking a whole lot about anything much. For the moment the "what if" game is being silent and her thoughts are wispy things that have no substance.

She reaches over and takes the single white envelope from the edge of the desk and writes an address on it and then her own. She picks up the papers and starts to slide them inside but hesitates. After a moment she sits back with the papers and once again begins to read what she has written though she has read it many times already. It has been a long time in coming making the journey from the darkest recesses of her mind to the white pristine papers in her printer.
As each word of each line skims across her vision her mind instantly plays out the scenes of her life; the good, the not so good, and the ones she wishes she could forget, but of course, that will never happen. Some things are with you forever.

She reaches the end and once again straightens the pages into an orderly pile and slips them into the waiting envelope. Along with the papers she inserts her hopes and dreams that within these pages her future lies. That the events of her life will finally have meaning because to believe it had none is more than she can bear.

She lays the envelope down while she dresses but can't help looking over now and then and realizes the power that is contained within those pages. The power to change her life the thought frightens her nearly as much as it sparks a bright light of hope within her heart.

She slips on her jacket and collects her keys then walks over and stands in front of her desk looking down. The sudden urge to just chuck the whole thing in the garbage can at her feet is so strong she realizes her hand is already reaching out to do just that before she can stop it. She snatches it back and takes a deep breath. A small pep talk was in order and she gives it and listens patiently to it before grabbing the envelope quickly and heads for the door.

As she sits in her car she tosses it carelessly into the passenger seat almost as an afterthought. If she dwells too long on its importance she feels she will lose herself in the enormity of what she is about to do and, of course, back out while she still can. Backing out is NOT an option. Just start the car and get moving.

Traffic is sufficient to require concentration but she still manages to steal a glance or two at the seat next to her. The closer she gets to her destination the harder her heart pounds until eventually she can hear neither the sounds of traffic nor the negative voice in her head that has been her constant companion these long lonely years.
She pulls up into the parking lot, snatches the envelope, and quickly enters the building as if the hounds of hell are on her heels. She can't help but glance over her shoulder just to make sure it IS just her imagination.

She arrives at the counter and thrusts the envelope that contains her life at the surprised employee. Almost instantly she starts to grab it back as if discovering her child in the arms of a stranger. She catches herself, steps back from the counter and plasters a smile on her face to put the cautious employee at ease, or so she hopes.

“Uhm, can I help you,” he asks?

“Yes, I would like to send that by registered mail,” she answers quickly. She is pretty sure she sounds normal, at least to her ears, though they are full of the sound of her beating heart.

“Ok. Fill out this paperwork and that will be $6.80 and it should be there by Thursday,” he says as he places a sticker on her life and sets it behind him on the outgoing mail shelf. She looks at it sitting there and can't help but imagine the little adventure it is about to embark on. Once again the analogy of a child comes to mind. Her child is venturing out into the world and she won't be there to keep it safe. Her heart not only pounds but squeezes too with pain and trepidation.

She quickly looks away before the tears that threaten start to fall. You would think she had just laid baby Moses in a basket preparing to push him off into the unknown waters the way she felt.

She fills out the paper work and pays the fee then turns to walk away. She can't help but look one more time at her hope for the future lying there so innocently on the shelf. Such power in that envelope, she is amazed there isn't some sign, almost biblical in nature that would indicate the essence of what those pages contain.

She gets back in her car and starts the engine. Buckles her seat belt then turns the radio on. Checks her mirrors before pulling out and heads for home and it is only then that she allows herself to dream a little dream.

And the waiting begins...

Once she reaches home the real waiting begins. Even though she is aware that it could be days, weeks, even months before her intense pangs of labor bear fruit, she cannot help but count every moment of that unknowable future. She will ignore for the moment the possibility that she will never hear a single word about the package containing her dreams for her future and that it could end its short unassuming life lying forgotten and collecting dust in some storage room somewhere. Hardly worth thinking about so has shut that train of thought down instantly whenever it rears its ugly head.  

She gets on with the business of living her life as best she can. Working a dead end job that does nothing to satisfy her desires but pays her bills, what more could one ask for? Days filled with numerous trips to her local bookstore and library to fill her restless need to live an exciting full filling life even if it’s vicariously through someone else’s version of it. She wakes in the morning and falls seamlessly, if not contentedly, into sleep every night having managed to not let her gaze rest too long on the passing days as noted by the kitty calendar hanging in her kitchen.

She keeps busy doing lots of seemingly important things mixed with utterly pointless things. Rinse and repeat, and the days pass. Then weeks pass and slowly weeks turn into months. Turning the page of the calendar from one month to the next has become a ritual that is accomplished with a deep cleansing sigh and a mental kick in the pants to not give up, not just yet. Patience got her through her childhood of fear filled days and terrifying nights and patience saw her through a very long marriage to a very unkind man. Patience was her best friend and soul companion when all others had walked away or simply forgotten she existed. Patience had not let her down so far and she was more than thankful for that small spark of optimism in her life.

If you asked her later about the day she received the call she had been waiting for all her life, a call that started its process of reaching out to her way back in her childhood when every step she took and every action for or against her lead her through her life for better or worse up to that very moment she was meant to answer an unrecognized number, she would say it was among one of the best and worst days of her life. A life filled with a great many worst days but very few best ones.

She was on the side of the road staring down at a flat tire, already very late for a work related meeting, Her dress, torn from a grasping needy edge on the car door and a newly minted speeding ticket tossed angrily onto the passenger seat were just the latest in a day full of “should of stayed in bed” moments. By the time she answered her mobile with an exasperated frustrated sigh hissed through clenched teeth, she was already mentally preparing herself to do battle with whatever new foe was bringing even more bad news; however, the proverbial straw for this particular camel’s back was not in her cards for today. Oh no, not today. Today that camel was about to lighten its straw filled load considerably if she had only known.

“Hello,” she nearly yelled into the phone.

“Hello,” replied a somewhat hesitant voice. “Is this Renee Miller?’

She realized she needed to calm down and not take her escalating bad mood out on the poor stranger who chose to call her at the worst possible moment. “Yes,” she replied in a calm even voice. “Who is this?”

“Hello, Mrs. Miller. This is William Conner calling from Blue Moon Publishing Company. I hope I didn’t catch you at a bad time?” he answered with no hesitation at all in his voice now.

At the exact moment that he uttered the words Blue Moon Publishing it would seem the world came to a sudden and quiet end for it simply ceased to exist for her. She heard nothing, saw nothing, was aware of absolutely nothing other than the crashing thundering sound of a heartbeat that appeared to have forgotten how to function like a heartbeat should. She opened her mouth to speak but nothing at all came out. She closed her mouth and continued to live in a world that no longer existed for a few more crashing thundering heartbeat filled moments.

“Yes,” she replied again but gone was the calm even voice. This yes was little more than a breath filled release.

He rapidly started speaking but she only heard the odd word here and there accompanied by an odd tapping in the back ground. Somewhere in her mind she pictured this unknown William Conner tapping a pen against the edge of his desk, possibly with his feet propped up somewhere along its smooth surface. Words that did manage to pierce her fog filled mind included, “wonderfully written “emotionally powerful”, and “best seller”. Those two words evaporated the fog instantly and the world came crashing back into focus.

“What did you just say? Could you repeat that please?” she asked with a voice full of fear, incomprehension, and yes, hope. Hope that she hadn’t just miss heard him in the absolutely worst way possible and that this small flame of hope was going to quickly be stamped out before the much needed oxygen of life was breathed into it.  She pressed the phone painfully against her ear to drown out every other sound, including her own still thundering heartbeat. “Could you repeat that please,” she asked with as calm a voice as she could muster.

“No problem. I said that we received your manuscript and we are very excited about it. We at Blue Moon don’t usually say this to potential clients on the phone during a first contact call but Mrs. Miller, you just may have a best seller on your hands,” he answered with a touch of laughter in his voice. “We would very much like you to meet with us and discuss the publishing of your book.”+

“Really? You want to meet with me?” she asked tremulously. Not daring to believe that her dream was about to become reality. Possibly. Maybe.  “About publishing my book?”

“Why do you sound so surprised?” he asked. “It’s a beautifully written book, at least the chapters we have are so let’s assume the rest will follow suit. Could you come see me next Monday at our offices at 9:00 a.m...? Will that be fine?”

“Yes,” she nearly shouted once again but this time from within a bubble of exploding happiness. “Yes, that would be perfect.” Was it possible that all the pain she had suffered in her life, the loneliness and oceans of tears, the dark days that accumulated into dark years occasionally brightened with lightning strikes of happiness was about to finally mean something beyond she just had been dealt a bad hand? Were the hours and days and months spent pouring her grief and pain into her computer while keeping a box of tissues nearby that constantly needed replacing at last going to MEAN something beyond her life just sucked? She was beginning to think maybe it did. If it meant nothing more than her story might affect others in some way that benefited them to some degree than her life did mean something, at least to her, and that was a feeling she had needed to know all her life. The smile beginning on her face felt strange and out of place but also very good.

“Great,” he said. Monday at 9:00 it is. See you then.” He hung up and several moments passed before she closed her phone as well. The flat tire, the torn dress, the late appointment all seemed to fade away as she contemplated Monday at 9:00 a.m. and the impossible possibilities. Several cars passed by and the amused drivers were treated to the vision of a woman in her 40’s with long red hair in a blue flowery dress twirling happily with arms stretched out and her face raised up to the sun. A very odd reaction indeed for someone with a flat tire who looked like she needed to be somewhere important.

I am a published writer...of sorts. Woohoo!!

http://weekender.bh/e_paper_pdf/17_04_2014/epaper.pdf

Hey, everyone. A local newspaper here, The Weekender, started a new thing in which writers' can send in stories and have them printed if the staff likes them. As soon as I heard about it I sent in one of mine (it's on this blog somewhere) and I quickly got a call from them about it. Apparently they really liked it and asked me about myself and why I wrote it etc.. At first the editor wanted me to change a few things, give the character a name and other things and then said he would print the story after the changes were made. I said OK even though I like it the way it is but it's not a big deal. He hung up but called back ten minutes later and said we decided we love the story just as it is, don't change anything. We will print it this week and we would like you to send in more stories if you have them. 

If I have them? I may have a few here and there. Ha ha. 

The cool thing (more coolness) is that they made my story into a competition by asking readers to come up with an ending for it. Actually, the story is complete as it is but he wanted to make it interactive. No matter, I am a published writer (an unpaid one but who cares). This could be a stepping stone for me, never know. 

Check it out. I'm famous for a min. 

New Year 2014. Last one was damn rough...time for something a little different.

2012 was one of my worst years yet since I divorced. No lie. I made some very bad choices, burned some much needed bridges, and generally just set myself on a destructive course that nearly had me in the black for good. 2013 was mostly spent trying to do damage control with varying degrees of success depending on who you asked. If you ask me, I wouldn't mind forgetting 2012 all together and parts of 2013 can follow right along, thank you. 

However, I didn't die from any of those bad choices so I will assume that means I still have time to do better and be better. A work in progress. Good days and bad days rub shoulders and have me on that emotional roller coaster ride that never seems to have an end. I have cried a lot and laughed little. I have spent more times just sitting doing nothing other than beating myself up over all those bad choices that just kept coming rather than do something about them...but eventually I caught on and started doing something. Too little too late? As I said, I'm not dead yet so let's assume the answer is no. 

I seriously need to start writing again. I keep saying I will and then let things get in the way even though this empty space is running like a ticker tape through my head day and night. It begs to be filled and my fingers itch to fill it but my mind just gets in the way and makes excuses...never seem to run out of those. 

Anyhow, my one resolution, if I must, is to get back to writing. I need to fill the empty spaces with words that won't stop in my head until they are written down. I need to finish that story I started awhile back that some of you may remember and I need to figure out how to make my writing work for me because I stopped writing and I started spiraling. I see a connection yet I couldn't seem to stop it or fix it. My goal is to write at least one post a week, more if properly motivated. Whether my readers come back or not is immaterial...I always did write just for me but the positive feedback was always nice. 

So here I am, 2014. Not dead yet. Not out for the count. Long as I wake up every morning then I have been given another chance to do better than the day before. Let's see if I have enough sunrises left to undo the destructive sunsets that are behind me? 

Wish me luck. 

Just Let It Go

For those that use to read me regularly you may have noticed that I haven't written anything significant for quite some time. Writing is my Thing. It's what I do and I have always enjoyed it since I realized I do it rather well. However, this past year hasn't been My Year, so to speak. I've been in an up and down roller coaster ride that has had me either hanging on for dear life...or raising my hands in the air and enjoying the thrill. All this has resulted in one very troubling aspect in my life...I lost the desire to write.

Period.

It just left. No idea why...or really when but I realized at some point that I just had nothing to say anymore. Or maybe I felt my words had lost their ability to really convey what I was feeling or what I wanted to express. I have no idea but the end result was silence in the one area of my life I had always depended on to get my demons out...or my humor (I choose to call it that) or whatever was on my mind. Without being able to write...it has all been locked up inside me...and damned if I haven't suffered because of it.

I went down the rabbit hole more or less and apparently enjoyed it so much I decided to stay there for a spell. I have been down that hole before (my past made it a place I tend to visit from time to time) but I have always used my writing to pull me back out again. This time I did not have even that ability to rescue myself...so there I stayed.

Around the first part of this year I had a revelation of sorts. I was angry. Very angry. Angry at the people in my life (past and present) that have done things to me that turned me into a negative, pissed off person. Every day I was fuming about one thing or another. My temper, which use to be so hard to trigger, was now on a veritable trip wire. Anything could set me off...and I was a raging ball of fire. I was a seething mass of negative energy that ended up corrupting everything good in my life...because I was too angry to pay attention to the good things in my life.

I was letting my past ruin my present...and destroy whatever good my future held for me. I was allowing all that bullshit that was my past life...be the sum total of my present life. I was my past..and my past was me. When I realized that I was allowing those people, that are long gone from my life, to still be a part of it (taking up full time rent free space in my head) and therefore impacting and corrupting it...I knew I either accepted the rabbit hole as my forever dwelling...or fight my way out of it.

Everyone who reads (or did) about my life know that I have 5 kids. I had a blast with my kids while they were growing up. We were rarely apart for any reason and they were a close knit group of siblings. My kids are mostly all grown now. I have my youngest, 15 years old, at home still but the rest are off living their lives. The silence that is my house now weighs on me terribly. Gone are the sounds of the music they all played, the fighting or laughing...the messes they each generate in their way. This silence has fueled my anger in ways...because I had no distractions from that anger and could spend copious amounts of time nurturing it and feeding the flames. My children are the soul reason I survived my marriage. Having them in my life, knowing I needed to be there for them..meant I couldn't give up or give in. Even if I felt my life wasn't worthwhile or important, theirs was...and I had to make sure they knew it. Now they are gone (generally speaking) and Ive been alone with my thoughts, my inner demons, my anger issues...and that has meant I had little respite from the inner destruction that was going on.

As I said, I realized one day that I might as well still be married if I was going to wake up every day and spend my time, my precious time, living as if my ex was still a real and meaningful presence in my life. If my memories of the past were going to keep me company as I went about my daily routine, ruining whatever happiness I might gain from even the smallest of joys then why bother living. If the experiences I had while living in Bahrain for the first 20 years...were going to color and corrupt whatever came after that then what was the point of the divorce..of gaining my freedom...if I was still going to live as if I were a prisoner?

I realized that the only person that could save me from my anger and issues with my past...was ME. Once I realized this I set about on a course of emotional healing. I spend far too much of my time alone...but one thing that being alone affords me is time to think....and think... and think some more. At times I would lay in my bed, during my time off from work, and just think. I would do nothing else but think about my past, my anger issues and where they came from...and what I could do to change what I was becoming (or had become) into someone better. I would literally lay there for two days solid and just stare at the ceiling...going through every damn issue that had turned me into a person that others didn't want to be around (did I mention I have lost several "friends" this past year as well)...I thought it was them...but realized it must be me since it kept happening. I find it incredibly hard to make friends, went most of my whole life without really having any, so losing the ones I did have was like a confirmation to my already low self esteem that I'm not even worthy to remain friends with. If others can't stand me..what did that say about me?

I worked my way through issues that were like open wounds on my soul. I poked and prodded them and made them bleed out all that pent up corrosive blood until only fresh blood remained. As I dealt with each issue I would ask myself...why is this still making me so angry...and is it worth it still? Of course, most of the time (damn near every time) the answer was no. Anger and self loathing, low self esteem and feelings of unworthiness were not worth it. My past was what it was...I couldn't change that...but I could change today, tomorrow and whatever came after that. As I worked my way through each and every issue...the end result would be to Just Let It Go.

Like a balloon that yearned to be free and sail off into parts unknown...I released, one after the other, issue after issue that was weighing me down, corrupting my relationships, my goals, my life. As each balloon sailed away I felt myself become lighter inside. I started feeling something I hadn't felt in so long I wasn't even sure I was calling it by the right name.

I started feeling happy. (don't be as shocked as I was please)

Happiness is not a feeling I have really felt too often in my life...and when I say happy I mean more than just a fleeting moment of happiness that is more like a memory than a state of mind. It felt unfamiliar and alien at the beginning...almost like an impostor had set up residence after I kicked out the abusive squatters. I almost didn't know how to handle this new emotional state. I felt like a beginner at happiness..a noob that needed to feel my way around and learn the rules and tricks before really putting my all into the game.

Apparently the "new" me was attracting some attention. I have had people at work comment more than once that I always seemed to walk around with a scowl on my face (I'm sure I was as I always had some inner demon playing with my mind)..or that I looked like I wanted to punch someone. Now they were amazed to notice that I was smiling, whistling...even singing...while going about my work. I had a few people ask me if I was in love..had I found someone that had brought about this change. Well, first off, yes...I am in love, have been for years now, but that relationship was one of the ones I was busy destroying due to my anger issues and one I was desperately trying to save at that point....but the reasons for the smiling, whistling and singing was due to another person all together.

Me. I was happy....or working hard so that I knew it was coming. I could feel it...see it...taste it. As I worked my way though each issue...I finished with it..and then Just Let It Go. I could not possibly explain with adequate words the effect this had had on me emotionally. Yes of course I still get angry (more than I like still...a work in progress) and I know that to never get angry is just not possible...but when I trip up and fall into a full blown anger melt down, I mentally try as hard as I can to reign myself in and put a halt before it gets out of control. (again, not always successful but I'm far better at it then I used to be). I ask myself, will this matter in 5 minutes, ten...tomorrow...and of course it most likely won't. And when I realize this...I can almost  feel myself relax and feel the anger start to recede and dissipate. It has stopped my anger in its tracks most of the time...most, work in progress as I said.

I have reached a stage now where so many things that use to set me off (thoughts of my past, of Bahrain, of certain people) don't really affect me at all anymore. I can think about them without feeling that tightness in my chest that would be an indicator that rage was building. I can talk about them without gnashing my teeth or getting angry at the person I'm talking to because the person I'm really angry at isn't there. Those balloons have sailed...and I have never heard of a balloon that was set free...come back to its owner.

Now, if there was one set back to all this emotional healing...it's convincing others that it's actually taking place. People who know me, love me, are so used to Angry Red...that they are suspicious of New Red. For some reason they would rather believe that you can't change who you have always been even though those same people have been encouraging me for years to do exactly that. I have actually gotten into arguments (go figure) while trying to convince these same people that the changes are real, are reaping benefits and are permanent. I much prefer New Red to Angry Red...why would I go back to that...and why do those I love most keep insisting I do? I have no idea.

Anyhow, I have a lot more to say. That makes me happy just writing that as it means I have more writing to do...and I realize this post is not up to my usual standards but I felt the need to write and I haven't felt that in such a long time...I'm just putting it out there before the mood disappears. So you guys (if there are any readers left) get a rough copy and I'm sorry for that but it is what it is. 

A few topics I will write about are my two recent trips to Bahrain (yes...imagine that), my new status as Grandma (my granddaughter is amazing) and what the future might hold for me. I became friends again with my ex from high school and other topics that might be of interest.  Stay tuned...if you are interested. I know I am.

Oh mind of mine...

Being alone with my thoughts
What black chaos
What red pain

Filling my head with your sneaky ways
Devious pain filled images
Do you even care...oh mind of mine

Three little words on a screen
Causing doubt...hurt...regrets
Squeezing my heart

Wonder of wonders
It still functions...beats
Tho each one leaves me breathless

Choking my throat
Filling my eyes so I can't see
Squeezing...always squeezing

Oh mind of mine
You are not really my friend
Will you leave me too?

2011-Wrap Up (more or less)

Due to my infrequent posting this past while...decided to complete this meme to catch some people up...all 5 of you.

1. What did you do in 2011 that you have never done before?
I went rafting on a river as a college activity. It was very awesome!! I also attended a funeral for a biker that was a regular in my store. I have never been to a funeral before (just a wake/viewing..not sure what it's called) much less a biker one. It was very emotional as several friends of his read poems or said something rather informally. I might add that compared to funerals I see on tv (my only comparison) its impromptu and informal feeling made it seem more special and meaningful..at least to me.

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I consider resolutions to be like promises to yourself...and I'm not one for making promises because I'm not always able to keep them. This not only disappoints the one I made them too but I let myself down in the process as well. So...no resolutions...but I do give myself options. Options are good.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Not that I am aware of...(should check Facebook statuses more often maybe)

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No.

5. What countries did you visit?
Only the ones I read in books...I'm home after 23 years..don't plan on going anywhere anytime soon.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
I specific date that will change my life...I know its somewhere up ahead...but no idea when it will manifest itself.

7. What date from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why.
Arab Spring...the totality of all those arab countries (the date as each one started more or less) coming to life and seeing their dictators fall one by one..with a few more still to go...but as each one falls I can't help but feel apprehensive that the only result will be a new one taking the place of the old. Let's hope, for their sake, real change will happen from deep within..and not just surface change that really changes nothing at all.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I spent most of my younger years (in Bahrain) practicing a level of patience unknown to most. I had to if I wanted to survive with my sanity intact...but these past few years a certain amount of jaded impatience had crept in and I seemed unable to stop the takeover. I worked very hard this year to gain some of that former patience back...though not to the extent I will take anything from anyone as before...I am no longer in a position of having to submit for the sake of peace or my children. It's been hard but I feel I'm gaining ground.

9. What was your biggest failure?
See #8 those times that I failed to practice patience are the times people got hurt. For that I failed them..and myself.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Ended up in the emergency room with a severe tooth infection...wasn't pretty or something I wish to repeat. Fell down a flight of stairs....killed my knee which still gives me grief from time to time. And of course the most painful of all...a heart that will remain injured and in constant pain until the only person that can repair it is free to do so. This could take awhile so...2012 round up addition maybe? *sigh*


11. What was the best thing you bought?
A ring for someone special.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Every person that withheld their tongue from saying something that would hurt another. It takes true effort to bite your tongue and we do not always manage that...a celebration is called for (even if nobody even knows there is a need for one except you) whenever this happens. If this was you at anytime..my hats off to you. I didn't always manage it.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Humans killing humans simply to remain in power...we all are going to die..that power you are killing for..will still be there long after you are gone...is that spilled blood worth it?

14. Where did most of your money go?
Bills. Not many extras this year.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
3 "really's? Hmmm....well I got really excited about doing so well in college..hard work and no sleep pays off even if it doesn't feel like it at the time. I got really really excited as summer arrived and I knew a certain person was coming to visit. BUT my really really REALLY excited moment will be when #6 happens. It will definitely be worth 3 "reallys".

16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2011?
Bruno Mars: It Will Rain

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: Happier or sadder?
This is a tough question because certain aspects of my life make me happier simply because it is not like it use to be...but then other parts are not going as I wish them to and so sadness is also ever present. I have my ups and downs...as long as the ups last longer than the downs...I will manage to get through them.


18. Thinner or fatter?
My bank account is definitely thinner.

19. richer or poorer?
My health is fairly even..so in that I am richer than most. My bills are also paid each month (even if that leaves nothing left over..but paid is paid) so I am richer in that respect as well. I am constantly learning new things and evolving my thoughts and beliefs to align with this new knowledge..and for that I am definitely richer than many who fail to take advantage of such an incalcuable amount of information out there and prefer to stick to what they "know". However, I do not have many friends still (haven't quite learned how to make them and keep them...lived too long without much company I suppose..I'm sad to admit I am still socially inept) so for that I am definitely poorer. Also, a few of the people I love most are far from me...until they are near me again..I am most definitely poorer in that respect.

20. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Reading things that didn't have an exam after it. Ride my bike when the weather was good. Take 2 day trips or something similar and see new things.

21. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Crying...thinking of past mistakes.

22. How did you spend Christmas?
Sleeping...with my schedule I have to grab sleep when I can.

23. How many one-night stands?
Well since this is not Facebook and such information is strictly for that social outlet..I shall plead the 5th. ;)

24. What was your favorite TV program?
I don't watch much TV but watch the occasional series on netflix now and then. I got caught up in Breaking Bad. Excellent. I also liked Army Wives.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Not sure if hate is the right word...but someone that I thought loved me...proved that anyone can hold a knife and seek to shred your heart with it. I do not hate her...I simply feel nothing. To hate her would be to think about her and flame the hate...I'm past such things. I cut her from my life...unfortunately taking that knife out has proved difficult...can't reach around to my back like I could when I was younger.

26. What was the best book you read?
Didn't have lots of time to read anything outside of college but I did find time to read a few things. A book by Christopher Hitchens really spoke to me. Religion Poisons Everything. Also, Daniel Dennet's Breaking the Spell.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Adele..though I didn't "discover" her...she's been around...just had not heard of her.

28. What did you want and get?
A kindle...but really haven't had time to enjoy it as much as I would like.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
I saw very few new films this year...still hooked on some old ones that I watched again though.

30. What did you do on your birthday?
My friend took me to dinner with her husband and some friends. It was a special night...you don't turn 29 every year...well actually I do but whose counting.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
The same one I have practiced most of my life (even under the abaya)..jeans and tshirt.

32. What kept you sane?
The fact that there are still people who love me...despite my failures..or maybe because of them. Not real sure.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I have/had (not sure if it's gone yet or I just haven't had time to muse about it) a serious girl crush on Ellen Degeneres. The lady obviously has her down times like all of us but she still manages to light up a room and make people smile...even when you don't really feel like it...and she does it without making others the butt of cruel "jokes". That takes a lot of class in hollywood anymore.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Bahrain protestors. (and all arab states but this one is personal for obvious reasons) This little island that is "known" for being so goddam friendly is shown to the world to be exactly what it is and has always been...a little island ruled by a corrupt family who will stop at nothing, including murder, to keep their pitiful little self appointed titles, money, and corrupt life styles.

35. Who did you miss?
My daughter who is far from me...and my love.

36. Who was the best new person you met?
My anthropology teacher was one of the most interesting people I have ever met.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.
Realizing that even though you love someone...you cannot have them in your life if you want to keep peace within yourself and keep the drama down. You have to cut them loose even if it seems like the harshest remedy.

That's it more or less...as stated. 2011 went by so fast...and yet so slow. Some interesting things happened, some fun stuff, a few sorrows..and a couple of surprises as well. Learned a few things about myself that made me go hmmmm...but all in all...I survived it. I consider that a blessing when so many across the globe didn't.

p.s. I will start posting more here now that college is done...I had the most hectic college/work schedule and could find no time to formulate thoughts that weren't meant for a paper of some sort. One more semester of college to go..but I think I can find time this semester to post my usual drivel. Stay tuned, folks.

Math...just doesn't add up...*sigh*

Math was a chore. Math was a headache. Math was freakin stress inducing!!! All the more because I use to be good at this stuff. When I was younger I could do math with my eyes closed, hands behind my back...and brain only half involved. It was so EASY!!!

What the hell happened?

From the moment I took the Compass test to gauge my level of math "intelligence" I suddenly found myself questioning my math abilities of days gone past. Was that a fluke? Was math easy for me before simply because math itself was easier before? I found myself sitting down at the table figuring out math problems and calling one or the other of my kids to come walk me through it more times than I can remember. I used reams of scratch paper and burned out a calculator or two getting through that class. It was a struggle from the first day till the last.

When did math get so darn complicated!!! Sheesh! I know our brains forget things as we get older but I assumed that was ordinary things...like peoples names or where we put our car keys...not MATH!!!

I think about the only thing that saved me in that class is that the homework was online and so we could work the problems, put an answer, and the program would tell us if it was right or wrong. If it was wrong I could work it until I got it right. Consequently, I could always get a 100% on homework...score!!!

So math was a real struggle from start to finish. I got an A in the class simply due to hard work and diligence.

Didn't hurt that the instructor was pretty awesome. She explained math in simple terms and walked us through everything. She made herself available out of class and answered emails almost within minutes of sending them. So quick in fact, I sometimes wondered if she was just sitting at home with her net on waiting waiting waiting for an email from one of her lost math students...hmmm?

Oh yeah. It didn't hurt even more that she was a strong believer in the power of chocolate to stimulate the brain prior to strenuous use. Before our exams etc she would bring a basket of chocolate and let us take what we wanted.

Don't know how effective it was in getting my brain to work properly, but it made my endorphins kick in to the point...that I really didn't care. LOL

Ok I cared.

A Lesson in Speech Giving....

I signed up for speech class simply because I'm horrible at speaking in front of more than say...two...people. I figured I needed to expand my abilities and get use to socializing with others a little more. Did I mention I don't always play nice with others...just the way I am. That has boiled down to me not being able to socialize beyond formalities etc. Hard to believe I know...but Coolred has had a very lonely isolating life for the most part..she does what she can to accommodate that previous life by trying new things now...so speech class it was.

Anyhow, I started out really enjoying this class. I even liked my instructor, who looked like a hippie version of Jesus. No lie. He was pithy and humorous and made class enjoyable with some of his insights etc. He had us stand up and speak in front of the class several times leading up to our first speech..which was to inform the audience about a certain subject.

I chose Arabs. Go figure.

Anyhow, of course I was terrified to give my first real live 8 min speech with visuals and cue cards and everyone looking at ME for those uninterrupted 8 min. I pretty knew I was going to either pass out from lack of oxygen..I tend to not inhale when put on the spot...or act like a deer in headlights once all eyes were on me.

50/50 chance..which would it be..faint dead away..or become roadkill?

Roadkill it is.

I stood there all tongue tied and unable to find my spot and blushing furiously. It was 8 min of pure hell on earth. *sigh* I rambled and got lost and never found my way back to my point...which was...Arabs are family oriented, generous, and horrible at time management. Those are the only 3 things I discussed..nothing else....soooooo when I got my paper back...I knew I had blown the speech so wasn't expecting stellar marks or anything...but I also didn't expect my speech teacher to leave a completely generalized and racist remark on my paper that had nothing to do with my subject. I did not mention religion at all...did not mention Islam...didn't mention anything other than those 3 things up there..and barely those truth be told....so when he commented this...

While I do not mind people following whatever religious belief they choose, when that religion condones the mass killing of women and puts my life as an atheist in danger and tries to force its ideology down my throat...a line must be drawn. (paraphrasing...cant find the speech now..damn!!)

I was so ticked off. He KNEW my kids are half Arab...Knew they were Muslims...Knew Arabs are important to me as a people...and had instructed us many many times NOT to make generalizations in our statements...so what was that exactly? Sounded like a huge generalization in my opinion...not to mention he was basically calling my children "women killers".

I was livid.

After that I just couldn't enjoy his class anymore. Didn't even really like speaking to him or giving feedback in the class. Don't get me wrong..he has the right to his opinion...but I'm pretty damn sure it didn't belong anywhere on my paper.

My next two speeches were about women being perceived as the weaker sex. I put up a pretty good speech about how men are, from the moment of conception until death, are at a constant disadvantage to women...everything from more likely to be born premature and die from it...to having learning difficulties; such as autism or ADD etc...as well as developmental problems and emotional insecurities etc. All in all...women come out on top in a lot of areas...but are deemed weaker simply because we SAY they are...nothing else. The first speech I had to argue it...the second one I had to give solutions for it etc.

I did pretty good on those two and got A's on them. I prepared more for them and felt more comfortable. Still didn't like the class tho. He actually gave us a final exam...of which I entered class on the day of the exam with absolutely NO idea we were having an exam that day. I swear people, completely clueless. My only excuse is that it had been a hectic week...and I had missed his previous class for some reason..and hadn't really been paying attention to him *oops*..so just didn't have a clue about it. The exam was on the class book we were supposed to read...teaching us about speech giving etc. I never read that book. Just looked at a few areas here and there. I managed to get a B on that exam. LOL Imagine if I had actually read the damn book. Oh well...water and bridges.

Anyhow, that was speech class. Done and dusted. Started out well enough but went down hill once my enjoyment was tainted.

Argh!!!

The saga continues...with English Comp.

English Comp had to be my favorite class just because of the friends I made there and the fun teacher we had. We had a lot of laughs in that class and everyday was something new. Each day our teacher would take a roll call question...asking us anything from...where would we like to live in the world or who in history we would most like to meet. Some of the answers some of us gave were hilarious...and others were sexual in nature but not meaning to be (or maybe they were..teehee) and the class would explode...teacher included. You just never knew what someone would say next. My teacher told me that she anticipated my answer like someone waiting for the lottery balls to fall down...apparently I have a sharp wit that she enjoyed. Who knew? LOL.

At any rate I have discovered that I really do not like writing about things by force. I love writing itself, but being told to write THIS and to do it like THAT is just a big pain in my...ahem...typing fingers. I had to write 4 essays in her class all together..with research and footnotes and works cited pages and in text quotes etc etc blah blah blah. All very boring. And Time Consuming. With my work schedule and other classes and just life in general getting in the way...I often found myself working almost from scratch a mere day or two before the darn thing was due. I actually finished one entire essay, with all extras included, mere hours before it was due on her desk. I had to quietly pat myself on the back when she admired my ability to get it all done...despite my hectic life.

She wrote awesome comments on my papers which made me feel quite proud of myself. Some of them indicated it was a pleasure to read my level of writing (freshman) compared to her usual fodder. LOL don't be hating. She also commented that I should look to writing in a magazine or something as clearly I had the skills. Unfortunately, I know that (yes....my big head is rather hard to carry around)...and yet have not bothered myself to pursue it. Don't ask me why. Laziness? Fear of failure? Time? I don't know. *sigh*

I managed to get A's on all 4 essays...I say managed because, seriously, I barely had time to devote my full attention to those babies. Always working, working, and needing sleep desperately. Instead I was up at 2 am trying to get things done. I assumed I don't write well under pressure but I guess I proved myself wrong. Seems I write better. Lol. Who would have thought it.

In the end, I enjoyed her class immensely but I didn't really enjoy the essay writing process. Too long and laborious. I just like to sit down and pound something out and be done with it.

Sort of like this post.

Lol.

Pick a side already!!!

I make it a habit to seek out and comment on Arab/Muslim/Islamic style blogs or posts simply because that is one of my main interests and it also annoys me when I see obviously false statements being made and touted as either part of Islam...or not etc. Obvious to me anyhow. LOL

Funny enough Ive gotten too many to count emails and comments asking me "am I Muslim"...or better yet..."do I still consider myself one" for those that know my history.

Here's my take on that whole question...of which I will not give a direct answer because I find it irrelevant to my point.

With Muslims you cannot win the comment game for the most part.

Why???? Good question. Here's my answer.

1. If I am a Muslim then my answer has authority over any nonMuslim that may have commented and claimed something as well. Even if I'm blatantly wrong.

2. If I'm not a Muslim then my comment is not accepted when it concerns something about Islam, the prophet, scholars, imams, women etc. You are not Muslim, you know nothing and have no right to comment.

3. If I am Muslim but make a comment that is not commonly held or doesn't make another Muslim happy...then Ive either been brainwashed by the evil west or I'm not a "real" Muslim and my comments and thoughts don't count.

4. And lastly, if I use to be a Muslim but now I'm not. I should be killed...and thus my comments don't count cause I should already be dead anyhow. *sigh*

SO, for those sending me emails and comments asking me whether I am a Muslim or do I still consider myself one...my answer would be. Its none of your business and shouldn't be used to decide whether or not my comments merit authority or consideration as being right or even possibly right. I can be Muslim and disagree with you. I can be a non Muslim and still be right. I can leave Islam and still have insights to make about it or shed light on it etc. I can...and I do.

Final thoughts...

The prophet was told one day that a man was good because he could be seen going up and down in the mosque (performing his prayers)...the prophet said...don't judge a man by what he does but by who he spends his time with. (paraphrasing)

Another time, some information came to him that the sahaba were not happy with because the information came from someone they didn't regard in a good light. The prophet told them, do not judge WHO is saying it (passing on the information) but ONLY in what they are saying (the message). (paraphrasing).

Whether you, I or anyone is a Muslim, nonMuslim, kafir or atheist..that right there is some sound advice.

Cheers

The Best Part of Working in a Convenience Store is...

the never ending array of interesting conversations that I have with customers.

Along with my wonderful conversation I had with Charlie in my previous post...Ive had so many funny, exciting, and just plain eye opening conversations with customers....both regular and those that are just passing through. I try and keep some paper nearby just so I can write down some witty sayings or interesting observations but invariably forget it at work and it gets thrown away. I will try harder to keep track of them as they are definitely worthy of a book some day..LOL.

A recent conversation I had with one of my regular elderly customers had me laughing and joking but also made me stop and think about how we tend to judge someone quickly based only on looks...without knowing a single thing about what makes them tick.

Take Oliver for instance....

Oliver looks to be in his 70's, almost always wear a white t-shirt with a pair of denim bib overalls (which reminds me a great deal of my grandfather) and has a quaint air about him that is very gentlemanly and proper. He has a wonderful smile as well with just a touch of an accent that is very northern. He is a joy to converse with when time permits...and a few nights ago time permitted..our conversation when something like this.

Now when I first had a chance to have a proper conversation with him we delved into such things as philosophy, the death penalty, world events etc...and he has wonderful points of view...varied and not what you would expect...or at least not what I expected. So when our recent conversation took a twist...I was both surprised...and not...by his thoughts on the subject.

We started talking about "trying something new" in order to keep things and life interesting. The mundane and ordinary just made life boring and not worth the effort...so says Oliver...and a lot of other people I'm sure. So, when he asked me what was I willing to try that was new and different from my "norm"...I seriously tried to shock him with this..."well, Oliver, I was thinking of giving the gay lifestyle a try"....and waited for the condemnation. The older generation tend to not "swing that way" for the most part...another assumption that was about to be shattered.

Oliver got very thoughtful for a minute then looked at me straight in the eye and said something that I will remember years from now when so many other things about working at that store will be forgotten. He said..."when it comes to love we surely can't choose whom we love...so who are we to judge when people find love whether we agree with it or not?" While I took that wonderful statement in he hit me with another one...

He told me that he had served in the military and that while he had never "swung that way" (loved that he used that phrase) he said there was this one soldier that always "took his breath away" whenever he saw him. The faraway look in his eye and the softening of his voice told me that he was experiencing that "breathless state" once again...no doubt many decades later.

I was amazed by the passionate tone of his voice and by the fact that I had misjudged him obviously...assuming something about his beliefs and what he accepted as "life" and what was an "abomination" according to some. How refreshing to have my assumptions shattered.

He left me with a parting thought...he told me since we can't choose whom we love...when love chooses us we should grab it with both hands...cause it is so hard to find. I was in a fantastic mood for the rest of the night despite my sore feet and unending line of secret alcoholics clamoring for more.

The next night I was off but my co-worker told me he came in again and asked about me. Apparently the conversation had left a mark on him too...he asked my co-worker if I was busy "trying something new yet"...LOL...she said give me some time...knowing me it wouldn't be long. (she was joking ...I think)

Then again...he came in last night and we discussed how kids these days need a good beating as they are so "pansy assed" and "coddled" from the assumption that "every ones a winner"....he suggested the "switch make a comeback" as a form of punishment. Something his own father used on him and see how well he turned out...LOL. While I don't agree with physically punishing children (I myself was an abused child) it was interesting to hear his thoughts.

Anyhow, I was chatting with a "chat buddy" back in Jan and I told her that this was my year to be an Instigator...to shake it up...get people agitated...cause mayhem and destruction if possible just to prove my one point...YOU MAY THINK YOU KNOW ME BUT YOU DON'T KNOW ME...I might be 41 but I've still got a few surprises left in me...so you never know Oliver, I just might take you up on your challenge...to try something new...

And here I was thinking college was about as much as I could handle just now...LOL. Stay tuned people for the results of my "try something new" challenge.

I Know Your All Just Dying to Know This Shit About Me!!

So theres a "47 things about me" thingy going round the blogs like an unvaccinated virus...so of course I have to give it a go. Why 47 and not 50 or 40...? Who knows...but you will all feel so much better and definitely get a much deserved night of blissful sleep once you have learned these 47 things about me.


I promise to be honest...ish!!!


1. Do you like blue cheese? I prefer my cheese orange...or maybe white...blue? not so much.


2. Have you ever smoked heroin? Only thing I have ever smoked were my tires on some very hot tarmac.


3. Do you own a gun? No...and theres a certain person who is, no doubt, very thankful about that.


4. What flavour do you add to your drink at Sonic? No Sonic here in Bahrain but when in Texas I get ice tea...so I add ice tea flavour.


5. Do you get nervous before doctors visits? Nervous along with manic will writing...can never be too careful in Bahrain with doctors.


6. What do you think of hotdogs? I think you should open a window and let them get some air...oh you mean the kind you eat...well then...has there ever been a more unhealthily evil food on the planet that tasted so good?


7. Favorite Christmas movie? Old Yeller? damn! thats not a Christmas movie. How about Parent Trap? Crap! thats not even close...its been years since I seen Christmas movies...I dont even know what constitutes one anymore...but I did like Gettin Jiggy With It...oh hell thats a Will Smith song...sigh.


8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Diet pepsi on ice...dont ask.


9. Can you do pushups? A what?


10. Whats your favorite piece of jewellery? Pearl necklace given to me by bestest best friend.


11. Favorite hobby? Reading...writing...sometimes at the same time. Im flexible like that.


12. Whats one trait you hate about yourself? I dont have enough faith in my capabilities.


13. Middle name? yup...I got one


14. Name 3 thoughts at this moment. I'm starting to get a headache. My nose hurts and I wonder what I will watch at the cinema tonight.


15. Name 3 things you bought yesterday? Credit for my phone, gas, and more time on my life by going to the gym (heres hoping anyhow)


16. Name 4 drinks you regularly drink? 4? damn! diet pepsi, water, milk, and diet pepsi...oh said that already...uhm...sometimes ice tea.


17. Current worry? Getting my 11 year old back home to me. Need money for airplane ticket. I seriously miss that boy.


18. Do you have A.D.D.? Im the wrong person to ask that I guess...but Im thinking no.


19. Current hate right now? Cant find a job and take care of my kids properly.


20. Favorite place to be? Any place Im having a good time...but I love the mountains and nature. Ironic that I ended up in Bahrain...sheesh!!


21. How did you bring in the New Year? same as every year...asleep...Im boring like that...sigh!


22. Where would you like to go? Home...after that...Ireland and Scotland. New Zealand..and Japan.


23. Name two people who will complete this? If I could know such things I would be playing the lottery.


24. Do you own slippers? yes...do I wear them?...I generally forget I have them so thanks for reminding me.


25. What shirt are you wearing? An over sized white t shirt for men...for sleeping in. (man with shirt was optional I guess)


26. Do you like sleeping in satin sheets? never have so have no clue


27. Can you whistle? why yes


28. Favorite color? red


29. Would you be a pirate? not my thing


30. What songs do you sing in the shower? dont think I sing in the shower...concentrating too hard on not dropping the soap (small shower)


31. Favorite girls name? uhm...why?


32. Favorite boys name? same as above


33. Whats in your pocket right now? In my jammies so no pockets.


34. Last thing that made you laugh? the poodles


35. Best bed sheets as a child? definitely the flannel sheets...spent some quality time making lightning under the covers...good times


36. Worst injury you ever had? mental meltdown...havent recovered fully yet. Physically I broke my entire toenail off once...the big toe...it hurt...I required a band aid.....and several kisses from my mother.


37. Do you love where you live? not even close


38. How many tv's do you have in your house? one but its not on very often


39. Whose your loudest friend? bestest best friend Maryam (dont get mad girl...you know its true)


40. How many dogs do you have? 2 poodles Jack and Candy


41. Does someone have a crush on you? If you do...dont be shy...come on and tell me. ...uh...probably not.


42. What are your favorite books? That is just too hard to answer. Im eclectic and read everything. I did love the All Creatures Great and Small series as a child and Watership Down and Dantes Inferno are a few that come to mind.


43. What is your favorite candy? toss up between peanut M&M's and Reecee cups


44. Favorite sport team? I like watching sport in general but dont have a favorite.


45. What song do you want played at your funeral? are you saying Im going to die someday? why you have to be so mean...now I know why I have a headache....people like you are such downers...damn!!!


46. What were you doing at 12 am last night? Facebooking...told you I was boring.


47. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? Wonder if the dogs made a mess...sigh.


So there you have it folks...47 amazing facts about me that gives you a more rounded picture of yours truly. Your heartfelt sighs of content can be heard through the computer...your welcome.

10 Things About Me

Not in the mood to really think up a post these days so will fill out this tag by CM http://cm-justthinking.blogspot.com/ 10 Things About Me others might not know. Enjoy...or not...lol.


1. I was born in the elevator in the hospital...incidentally I HATE elevators. Will avoid if I can. This hate is tempered if my floor is above 4...lol.


2. Was considered having a higher than average intelligence when young...I skipped a grade of school and was going to skip another but my Mother hesitated. She didnt want me to be picked on by big kids...or at least bigger than the ones that already picked on me. My intelligence seemed to antagonize people...I dont know why. 20 years of forced inertia has pretty much kept all that intelligence under wraps...sigh.


3. I use to be fairly outgoing and was considered the class clown (dont laugh I was quite the funny girl)...now people tend to view me with caution and approach on high alert. I find very little funny anymore and I tolerate people less and less. Consequently I have few friends and no desire to make more for the most part.


4. I use to get massive ear aches and ear infections when young. I experienced both ear drums being blown out...consequently I dont hear very well. I tend to use that as an excuse not to hear people sometimes.


5. I wrote a short story in high school. My teacher stole it...I mean said he lost it. I happened to see it printed in a magazine a few years later after I had left home. He had changed it somewhat but I recognized it as mine obviously.....so...Im published...lol.


6. I generally read several books at once. I keep one in the car as well for when Im waiting in traffic...at a shop etc.


7. I had a crush on a high school teacher...and said teacher overheard me say this to my friend one day. He managed to finish the year without running the other way every time he seen me...he was also my favorite teacher. I might do a post about him..ha ha.


8. I contemplate murder at least once a day.


9. There is very little in my life I feel satisfied about. If I could do it all again...I wouldnt know where to start. I have a list of people I am so angry at I cant sleep at night sometimes...and my name is at the top of that list.


10. I no longer feel religion has power in my life....at least not the type of religion so many choose to follow. I feel adrift and alone....but thats ok for now.


I dont think I will tag anyone as I feel its putting an obligation on them they might not appreciate...so I will leave it for anyone that chooses to do so...let us know so we can check you out though.