Tuesday, October 07, 2008
[transmission start]thoughts: passing through...
To be honest, maybe i've posted about this kind of thing before. But then again we all know certain things just keep coming back to you don't they?
I always used to believe (and probably still do) that i just passed through many people's lives. In the sense that i was just there for a short period, left an impact (of varying degrees) and then moved on. Looking around at the last few years, that's how its always seemed to be.
The friendships i built were built mostly on adversity (not between us but basically the fact that i was there when the shit happened). Its not exactly a great achievement or something to be exactly proud of (considering that probably that when you've got me around things are pretty bad), but i guess that would explain the supposed "closeness" in some cases.
Does this viewpoint of mine cheapen the friendships i've built in these circumstances? well i don't think so. Considering friendship is built on experiences (no matter how adverse). I dunno about the people i've built friendships with in such circumstances, but i do know that usually what i've noticed is that after some point, we drift. contact lessens due to how lives take different turns and routes. but that's how life is, isn't it? nothing ever really stays the same. I guess maybe part of the way things turned out also depend on me i guess.... cos i'm not exactly one whose into maintaining a lot of contact.
but just passing through is always something i've felt. and i know that a lot of the time its true. and i deal with it knowing that being there at that moment when i was needed was something that i just do, and when its no longer necessary, i move on, wandering through time and space till another need arises.
till next time...
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chr1s0ng put the word on the street at 11:33 AM
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Wednesday, October 31, 2007
[transmission start]thoughts: some things you can't run away from....
its been almost 4 long months since last posting on this blog. At times I felt like giving this thing up, and maybe i should have. or maybe not. we'll see.... but as usual, on to the post.
It started maybe with that movie Little Manhattan. Or actually, it was a little earlier than that, when i was doing my thing being there for J cos she needed someone who could understand (it just so happened that that person was me).
I remember how i thought to myself that one day when the time was right i would tell J that there's really no way to possibly run away from certain facts - simply because they make you what you are. Like how i can never change the fact that i am (and always will be) my father's son, much as i dislike him (and much as he dislikes me). Even if he disowned me that wouldn't change anything, simply because he is a part of me, and nothing can change that, no matter how much i try. And that was what i wanted to tell J, because i knew that was going through her head too.
Then there was that day i happened to catch Little Manhattan on cable. Its a weird movie of sorts, but rather insightful. and when i watched it, boy did some parts just hurt. They hit it where it hurt the most really, because i knew exactly what they were talking about. And the movie made me remember (and sometimes remembering isn't always the best thing). Especially for someone who remembers a lot, and plays things back in his head over and over.
And just like what i wanted to tell J about my dad, i realised that the same held true after watching the movie. That i just couldn't run away from that 1 simple fact, which i thought was rather well illustrated by a quote from the movie:
"Love is an ugly, terrible business practiced by fools. It'll trample your heart and leave you bleeding on the floor. And what does it really get you in the end? Nothing but a few incredible memories that you can't ever shake. The truth is there's gonna be other girls out there. I mean, I hope, but I'm never gonna get another first love. That one's always gonna be her." - Gabe, from Little Manhattan
till next time...
[transmission end]
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chr1s0ng put the word on the street at 11:45 PM
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Friday, May 18, 2007
[transmission start]thoughts: dark side...
I always knew i had a vindictive streak - a streak that comes from a lot of unresolved anger. And lately its been manifesting itself. A lot. If you're not sure what i mean, think of spiderman 3 when the black suit is in control. And just like Peter Parker, i'm scared of what it makes me.
Mainly because now there's this heightened agression i'm feeling, as well as this burning anger that just won't seem to go away. And I take it out on people (like my mum) by being grouchy, silent and moody (and naturally she doesn't like it. who does?)
She thinks its because of my work which makes me tired. That may be true to some degree, but ultimately that's not the main cause (in my opinion anyway). A lot of the anger stems from the situation i'm in right now. The anger has built up from lots of little things, like wounds that are meant to be healed perpetually getting prodded open. I know she means well (and maybe its just being kaypoh too), but frankly i just want to move on. so let me. Asking about it doesn't help one bit. Considering that i think about it and it just causes the anger to spiral, i just have to say that what's being done doesn't make things any better. It makes them worse.
Part of the problem is how this state of limbo is driving me mad. I'm obsessing over it. And it occupies my thoughts in whatever free time i have (that's why i think work is good because then i don't have time to think about this kind of thing). Mainly it stems from the fact that i hate it that i'm right. That i did the right thing (though it really hurt). And that there were a whole ton of good reasons to do it. And that by doing it and analysing all those reasons i realise how totally crap i am. And that's why when she unintentionally rubs it in, the anger just spirals.
There's been more than once where i've felt like taking a stick and beating someone to death (or compromised and used the stick to smash my basketball hoop at home. But i don't. firstly because even though that lessens the suppressed anger and frustration through cartharsis, it raises a lot more questions than i would like - making things even more complicated (and possibly make things worse). secondly, most of the time when i decide to do it, the anger has passed (or rather, kind of decreased in intensity till the point that there really is no point in doing it).
The issue now is that i have to apply a lot of self control to prevent myself from killing someone if they push me too far. I don't think i'll really do something like that because its just too messy (i like to be realistic and practical. some things should just be avoided). but i might just take it out on someone who doesn't deserve it. and it doesn't have to be physical either (sometimes emotional hurts more and longer than physical).
whatever it is, if this keeps up, i'm going to turn into someone really dark, moody and aggressive (and i categorically state that it is NOT the same as being "emo". to me anyway) to quote the wise Yoda - "fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to the Dark Side." I so do NOT like where this is going.
till next time...
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chr1s0ng put the word on the street at 11:55 PM
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Saturday, April 14, 2007
[transmission start]thoughts: look back....
another year, another sem. But for some strange reason this one just feels more... i dunno... sentimental and solemn? this sem more than the others.
A friend was trying to make sense of that feeling we were having - the feeling of reality setting in... that yesterday was the last day of school (ever) for some of our friends. That from today onwards they would be stepping out into what so many people have termed the "real world", or more accurately, the working world. That from today, they would wake up, not having to worry about tutorials or lectures or assignments or projects.
It was funny, because ever other semester, this had happened - this ritual of people leaving, (probably) never to step back into this place we call school. to never come back to our favourite haunt. and basically, never cross our paths again (which is something i don't hope for). Even at thursday's steamboat, it never did quite set in that it would be possibly the last time i would see some of my friends.
Come friday, it was a case of reality setting in because these people, these friends (of varying closeness) were the people that we grew up with, and now they were leaving. People we spent the last 3 years with, sharing joy and pain, and experiencing things that have perhaps changed our lives in ways we could never imagine, were actually going their separate ways.
true, we may not have taken many of the same modules (especially in my case) or had the same problems, but to varying degrees, we could call each other "friends" - because some of us went through shit together (some more than others), either experiencing it together first hand, or being the people on the sidelines, not directly involved, but close enough to try and make it easier for those in the direct line of fire to cope.
And well, now that they won't be around any more, there's this feeling among the rest of us who've decided to stay behind. this feeling of "what now"? Not that we can't "click" with our juniors (i think we manage that bit fine), but its just that come august (in my case january assuming i get my internship), we'll look around and realise these people are missing. that there's a "hole" in the place we expect them to be. and basically, that things just won't quite be the same without them.
I really would love to do individual shout outs, but i might just have to move all that into another post. but i've got at least this to say: to the graduating class of '07 from Psych Soc (and what we remember of SWAPS), good luck with the next phase of life (and do come back and visit when you can).
till next time...
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chr1s0ng put the word on the street at 11:47 AM
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Thursday, April 05, 2007
[transmission start]thoughts: why...
"things change, people change, and we get on with our lives."
if only that was really true.
till next time...
[transmission end]
p.s. more than ever i'm convinced about one of my favourite phrases. i'm just wondering why she didn't show me sooner. do i regret? yes. but like i've been told, "a glass once broken, when put back together with superglue, isn't the same glass any more."
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chr1s0ng put the word on the street at 2:25 PM
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Wednesday, April 04, 2007
[transmission start]thoughts: blank.
1. i really hate what i did. but i couldn't see any other way. do i regret? yes.
2. damn, i hate it when i'm right about things.
3. "in this world there're the romantics, the hopeless romantics, and those who are basically, hopeless (that's me)"
4. sorry to disappoint. frankly i'd understand if you never want to speak to me again after this.
till next time...
[transmission end]
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chr1s0ng put the word on the street at 11:03 PM
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Tuesday, April 03, 2007
[transmission start]thoughts: wrong...
What if you knew that you were wrong? from the very beginning, at every possible instance, right down to the perception of how things are? what then? and what if someone clearly and categorically pointed it all out to you?
I guess one of the hardest things to admit to is the fact that you're WRONG. absolutely and undoubtedly WRONG. its hard nonetheless, but it has to be done anyway. Most people assume that if you're wrong you're expected to say "sorry" or to apologise (but "sorry" is just a word isn't it?). What if you knew that no amount of apologies would make things better, that no amount could ever make things right again, or the way they were before? what then?
When things happen, people wonder if things can ever be the same as before. If you ask me, the most realistic answer is "no". Much as people would like things to "go back to the way they were before" its just something that's not possible (ok fine maybe in some cases it could be, but more often than not it isn't). The world doesn't work that way. What's passed has passed. There isn't an "undo" function in life.
till next time...
[transmission end]
p.s. there's things i don't like to be right about. one of my favourite phrases is one of them. Love is something that happens to other people.
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chr1s0ng put the word on the street at 1:18 PM
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