Tuesday, June 13, 2006
"X is such a nice guy". "____says she thinks u r the most cannot suan ple kind of person". "____ for example tells me ur her ideal kinda guy for bullying... in fact ____ says u've got this adorable boy boy kinda thing going on"
One of the greatest problems X has is the way people perceive him. That he's the "nice guy", the "anything goes" kind of guy. the one you can depend on as a last resort. the one who won't mind doing this and that and whatever else... because he's such a NICE guy.
X used to think that being the nice guy was everything. that everyone would like him for it. that getting along with everyone was just enough to get by . E's 'vanilla theory' was right, X had to admit. considering how many of the traits he saw in himself.
"Some characterstics about the The Nice Guy:
1. Probably not the Adonises of the world, although by no means the Hunchbacks of Notre Dame either.
2. Highly sensitive to others' emotions
3. Highly patient, willing to listen at ends to others before expressing any opinions of his own."
- E's theory of Vanilla as an analogy of the "Nice Guy"
that got X wondering, "so was it really worth it to be such a nice guy all the time then?" considering how much he agreed with E about 'nice' being a very vague description about a person's good qualities. 'nice' was just... blah. it was the bare minimum that other qualities should have been built on, not just the only thing. being a steady, sensitive, patient kind of person wasn't a bad thing... but sometimes you need to be something more.
being nice took a lot out of him, X had to admit, and sometimes he felt people took him for granted, used him just because he was nice (of course people DID tell him that he was really appreiciated, but that wasn't all the time). but it was just the way he was. and he didn't know how to act any other way.
4:38 AM
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Ever wondered what your purpose was? wondered what your life was for? well, that's a question that bugged X a lot. X was (and still is) a christian. part of a youth ministry in a small church somewhere out there. its been a long time, and well, he isn't going to be a 'youth' much longer.
Its funny though how everyone seems to think that X is spiritually mature (or more spiritually mature than he himself considers). He's been asked to help in different areas, to do different things (the most frightening thing of all in his opinion is being a leader). And he knows people ask because they have a certain perception. a certain expectation. maybe its his fault he projects himself as such (then again that isn't necessarily true, since what you project and what you intend to project may not be exactly the same).
And all this time he wonders to himself, "they think i'm such-and-such a person. but am i really?" because even though God is real to X, and X knows quite a bit about God, he's embarrassed to admit that perhaps he's not as good as everyone thinks he is (and its not a matter of being modest). X could never quite understand it. the fact that unlike everyone else who had a more personal kind of relationship with God, well X just didn't quite get it. and being what he is, he blames himself for not doing enough, not trying enough (and God knows he hasn't tried as hard as he should have).
maybe it had something to do with this perpetual mindset X had - the fact that he was "someone else's miracle". the fact that he is where he is now is someone else's testimony (his mum's to be exact). He feels that his life is a blessing that someone else had (which isn't necessarily a bad thing), something that strengthened someone else's belief. He was what gave someone else what many consider their "encounter" with God. but frankly, X has never had one himself. people tell him it doesn't have to happen. but he can't help but wonder (like many others) whether you need an encounter to be sure.
Even with all these crazy thoughts in his head, X also knows that in the world out there God's "got his back". and he's grateful for it. and ashamedly he admits that well, sometimes he doubts whether he really does believe (but doesn't everyone at some point?). Wonders that does he deserve what he has been blessed with, and is he living the way he's supposed to (though X highly suspects that isn't the case).
I guess whatever the circumstances, whatever they may be, X is just one thing: grateful.
5:20 AM
Friday, May 27, 2005
it was common knowledge to most of X's friends that he was never on good terms with his dad. in fact they never had anything resembling a relationship (in X's opinion anyway), or what a father-son relationship was supposed to be like anyway.
For a long time X wished that X had someone else as his dad. he envied his friends who had (in comparison to himself) better dads. dads who were involved in what their children were doing, dads who CARED. not some person who didn't care what X and his siblings were up to, sometimes even forgetting what year they were in school (strange but true).
All these things, combined with the way that his dad generally treated X (read: bad), it perhaps was no wonder that to the shock of some, X hated his dad. till this day, he still does to a certain extent, but it wasn't as bad as before. mainly it was because of something that X learnt along the way in the journey in life - "You are still your father's son. you always have been and always will be. till he disowns you anyway."
you are still your father's son. that really hit X. hard. initially it was rejection. of the whole idea because it was something it was something X had never wanted to hear (though a small part of him knew it to be true). so X did what any normal person would have done. he got ANGRY. angry with the friend who had told him that. angry with God for giving him such a lousy father. angry at himself for being bonded to his father by blood. and secretly, he wished that his dad would indeed disown him. then he would be free. but he knew that would not be true. bondage by blood was something permanent.
X has finally managed to deal (somewhat) with the hatred. he still kind of hates his dad, but now has the realisation that well... he can't do anything about it. he will try to stop the hating (or try to anyway). but he swears to himself he will not FORGET. so that if by some chance he becomes a father (though he views this highly unlikely), the same thing won't happen again.
there's a reason why there's a saying called 'generational curse' and 'sins of the fathers affect the sons (or something like that)'. X knows he must never forget. so that the generational curse can be stopped. A wise man once told X, "you are what you are because of your parents. and your children will be what they are because of you." sums up generational curses nicely doesn't it?
3:41 AM
Thursday, May 19, 2005
To X, family had always been (and always will be important). i suppose it was because of the way things were. circumstances and situations often change your perspective on things, and for X, that really applied in the case of family.
X was the first of 5, with 3 younger brothers and 1 younger sister. yet somehow he never did quite feel like the eldest (maybe because everyone else was watching out for him). it was weird, that on one hand there were responsibilities that he had as the eldest, yet some of them he couldn't fulfill only because his condition prevented him from doing so. it really was a frustrating thing, since he never really was sure where he stood (it didn't help that he had low self-confidence). but whatever it was, X was grateful for the fact that his siblings didn't really seem to mind (most of the time anyway).
his parents? now that was a whole different story altogether... X never really did get along well with his dad (come to think of it, no one did). and i suppose when it finally came to the divorce, X was actually glad to see his parents' marriage end. it was strange to have an attitude like that towards something viewed as a bad thing, but in X's point of view, the marriage was just a one way relationship which went on surprisingly long.
All through the 20-odd years of his parents' marriage, it was very much obvious to X and his siblings that 'happy' was not a word that could be used to describe it (maybe 'tolerable' would have been a better indication, but even then X felt that was erring on the generous side). It was pretty obvious to X that the only reason why that the marriage had gone on so long was because his mum believed that divorce was wrong. and well, when they found out dad was having an affair... that kind of made things a lot easier.
when all the dust from the whole divorce case had settled, X was pretty glad that his mum no longer had dad as a burden and hindrance. but in the midst of the proceedings, he got to see just how unreasonable (and not to mention illogical) his dad could be. the kinds of accusations he made against X's mum and his refusal to be more generous in terms of alimony (when he well knew he could easily afford it) just strengthened X's resolve to have nothing to do with his dad. unfortuately that isn't quite possible... (to be continued)
1:01 AM
Saturday, May 14, 2005
X had never gotten the hang of the whole relationship thing. sure, he believed that love existed, that people found the person who they considered their partner, that (most of the time) it ended happily ever after. but to X, love and relationships were Something That Happened To Other People. sometimes though, he wished it would happen for him.
he just never did quite find what (actually should be more of a 'who') he was looking for. when the opportunities came round (and optimistically felt they were pretty good opportunities) he thought the Big Moment had finally arrived, but the situation always proved otherwise.
X couldn't say that he didn't try looking. sure he did. it wasn't that his standards were too high or some other reason like that. it's just that the opportunities disappeared before they really were there. like the fact that some of them were already with someone else, or the answer was a flat out 'no' (that happened once, when he actually had mustered enough courage to ask. but it wasn't some heartless rejection. she had been pretty nice about it. and he never held any bad feelings about it. in fact, they're still quite good friends).
but contrary to popular assumption - something that happened for everyone (which is same as belief, but more speculation involved) - X was single. speculation often raised the possibility that even if he was, he was On The Way To The Next Stage. but that was never the case (though X often wished otherwise).
X had often wondered if he'd measure up. he knew that if things were to happen and if he did find That Special One, there would be Expectations. of what it meant to be Together. and in his heart somehow he knew that he wasn't quite there yet. that he wasn't Ready. but who was? X had often heard all kinds of (sometimes contradictory) advice from different people about love and relationships. and it made him confused in some sense. he used to ask some of his friends how they ended up together. and one answer he never quite understood was It Just Happened.
funny then that will all this stuff about Love and Relationships wreaking havoc in X's head, some of his friends would come to him for advice about it, especially those who he thought had Found It (most of the time it was those who were On The Way There). and somehow, he managed to give them advice which they felt was useful (some of it really was). ironically it worked for everyone but himself. especially when it came to advice on 'How do you know if you like someone'.
X often wondered if that was how it was going to be, how this area in his life would eventually turn out. that maybe he would remain single (and perhaps give out occassional advice) just... because and not by choice. it was a pretty decent prospect in some sense. but in another, it just meant that he'd be lonely. and that was one thing he absolutely HATED. and i suppose that despite how unlikely it may seem, he still wishes he could find that someone. and i guess he won't stop trying. everyone needs a dream right?
6:35 AM
Thursday, May 12, 2005
X had always been in the midst of searching for his identity... who he really was supposed to be, what made him 'X'. it was a common problem many people faced.
X supposed that things were'nt made any easier by the different roles he played in life, and how people perceived him. to his siblings, X was the older brother. to his mum, X was the child that almost never was. to his friends... well, X wasn't even sure frankly. he only knew that he was different with different groups of friends. different in the way he acted, way he talked. basically, with different people, X was a different person. and that posed problems when searching for his identity.
X had often wondered if the behaviour he displayed with different groups of friends / people was just the same guy putting on many different masks at different times, and wondered if it really was all a big lie, that these people didn't quite know him for who he truly was... but looking back, he realised that all these separate 'personalities' he had in different scenarios still were parts of the boy known to others as X.
despite these differences in behaviour of the different persona he posessed, there were some things that all of them had in common... things like his sense of humour, his ability in writing, his constant desire to remain in the background (while also wishing that people would take notice of him. it's a complicated thing).
one thing he just couldn't shake off was the fact that no one quite saw the whole picture of who he was (himself included). true, they knew the story - who he is, what his life is like.... but how much of him did they really know? was it because they weren't exposed to the other areas, or was it because he just felt that certain groups only needed to know certain things? was it just him, or was everyone like that as well?
at the end of the day, when all was said and done... what would they say at X's funeral? different people might say different things, only because those were the parts of X that they had known. and perhaps these different ideas of who X was would come into conflict. and everyone would eventually realise then (like X did now), that perhaps they did not quite know the real X that they thought they did...
11:07 PM
Sunday, May 08, 2005
X's affliction was, to him, like a burden he had to carry. his 'albatross' so to speak. it made him often wish he was 'normal', because limitations abounded. there were so many things he couldn't do, so many things he missed out on) of course it only looked that way when it was with respect to the good stuff but.. *shrug*).
but in some ways life is fair. the affliction taught him about limitations, and in some rare instances, humility. the illness taught him about restraint, about moderation. it reminded him he wasn't invulnerable, that in any and every situation, dangers were real (i guess it was more of him having greater awareness about threats around him.
By taking away some opportunities and abilities, life presented X with other things in compensation. like his gift of writing, even if sometimes it resulted in lousy poetry. X had to admit it was quite a nice gift, to be able to express himself so easily in the written word. he often wondered if he had the potential to be not just a writer, but a good one (a published one even). but potential untapped just remains that - potential.
in X's life, the illness wasn't the only 'gift and curse'. there were other such things, bigger things. but that will come another time...
1:04 AM
