why do i always end up in couple situations. weishenme. yesterday wasn't really really couply. but. argh. hopefully this wkend's alright. which is why i hearts kezia. and i promise to try to not do the same thing to ppl around me when he's back.

sigh. travelling around alone sucks. which is why i take cabs. cuz. a longer journey just makes it more painful.

wah crap. damn long nv update. but. well. i suppose now it's time.

couldn't find any other avenue for me to express what i feel. not facebook. not anyone on msn. not on the phone. not face to face.

hung out with di/wayne/ting today. and yh/wj/++ yesterday. bad bad combination. bad bad wkend. i mean. the wkend wasn't BAAD. it was quite fun really. but. well. hanging out with couples kinda makes me miss him. a lot. and when i miss him i talk abt him. which makes me miss him even more. i don't think they did anything wrong by like. being all couply and stuff. i mean. they're couples! but. just :(. and maybe it is kinda selfish of me. but sometimes i wonder if they've forgotten how hard it is to do LDR. and if they know that i'm still going thru it. i don't shout it out to the whole world. i don't act all upset in front of them. (although i really almost died in church today.) but. well. it's the selfish 'how about me?'

1 more mth. i just have to tahan 1 more mth. i dun even know if i can make it till tmr.

think i've nv been as stressed. yea i say that everytime. but still. STRESSEDDDDD. like mega mega.

i think it's the first time i'm stressed till like i feel this constant pressure on my chest and i feel like i can't breathe? and my head is so full and yet ppl are still stuffing knowledge in. it sounds quite funny now. but actually it really isn't. like i dunno so many things. i know things but freak out in front of tutors which then makes them scold me for not knowing which then freaks me out somemore. so. vicious cycle huh. and this has happened 2 days in a row ok. like. REALLY.

and grandma is. sigh grandma la.

and i want to give up being a doctor. like seriously la. get me out of here. it's killing me.

BUTTTTT. i shall claim the promises that since God put me here.. He'd get me thru this. like please. if not i will drown/suffocate/rta/choke/trauma.

ok. need to study to calm self down. and weather being so nice to sleep is NOT HELPING.

and i thought being a medical student would help.

grandma's dying. slowly but surely. i think i've never seen my brother cry like that. and at first it doesn't really hit you. or at least me. cuz i'm too busy worrying about her radiotherapy appointments, explaining everything to my dad/auntie/uncle. complaining about fetching her to the doctors.

but when u slow down. and see her as your grandma. the grandma who took care of you when you were young. who was so happy to feed you that huge drumstick when you were one month old. to change ur diapers. bring you out to the wet market to look for veggies and fish. and taught you how to choose veggies and fish. and put up with all my nonsense and spoilt me to no end.

we used to sit in the living room and scrape these like. deer horns was it. or some sort of horn lah. and scrape and scrape and scrape till i was tired. hahaha. and i think she would use it to brew some soup or smthing. and when i was young i always got sick. so my grandma one day just demanded that i stay at her place for 2 wks during the holidays. so she could brew black chicken soup for me to drink. sounds like some witches brew and boy did it taste bad. hahahahaa. but i had to drink it anyway. and i still fall sick now anyway. and i think once a week she'd cook a hard boiled egg, put a silver ring in it, wrapped it in a handkerchief and rub it all over my stomach. cuz it would 'take the wind out of my stomach'. haahaha.

and now i would drink her black chicken soup anyday. if i drank it would it mean she would stop being in pain? if i use the hard boiled egg would it take away her pain? i promise to never complain about fetching her. i promise to do anything for her. just pleast take away her pain.

worst of all, she isn't saved. i guess it would take constant prayer. it kinda is the only other thing i can do for her. sigh. after u think about death, ldr isn't that bad huh. nothing is as bad. maybe besides losing God.

sigh. i just came back from her house and i miss her already.

it really is never the same without you. i should nv blog abt these things before i sleep. puffy eyes the next day x maximum.

this feeling never gets old does it. even if it's for the 7th time. it still pains my heart that you're not here. yea it got better and of course i feel like this less each time. but. well. sometimes. it is just a little too much to handle. and it doesn't matter if it's night or day. if i'm with company or not. thank goodness i came home early from the bbq today. i dunno how long more i could take it. i remember wanting to walk to the swimming pool just to sit by myself. but i stopped myself. seeing how i was at a social event. hahaha.

great. now i'll be all poofy eyed tmr.

i just want You, Jesus
i just want You, my Lord
i just want You, Jesus
i just want You

just came back from ymlc. and it was amazing. i needed a time out to get my life back on track to where God is.. and that's exactly what i got..i missed being in His presence so much. it was just so comforting to just sit there, knowing that He loves me for exactly who i am. even with all the dark things that i did, there's no point hiding cuz God knows it all.

i think i'll never forget the testimony shared by one of the fathers there. his son was 'naughty' and his wife couldn't handle him and as he broke down in tears he said.. you truly wouldn't know the love of the Father till you become a father. if it pains my heart to see my son behaving this way, i can imagine the multitude of pain i cause the Father when i turn my back on Him. and i started crying (and josh started laughing). but i truly felt the love of the Father thru what he said. the pains of the times i've ran away from home. ignored His phone calls and sms-es. pretended not to see Him walking by on the street.

there is no greater love than Yours
nothing else could ever compare
and even if i searched all the world
i would never find a love like Yours

and as usual God was the perfect boyfriend. and i hope a certain girlfriend of mine is reading this. He really is the complete perfect boyfriend. whatever he can't provide, He can. you know when you watch in tv shows, and the guy always shows up at the exact moment in time that you need him? not a moment before, not a moment too late? to me, God's that guy. He meets me whenever i need Him the most. when i'm crying in the dark alone in my room, without having to send an sms or calling anyone, He's there -- to cover me with His arms and protect me and rock me to sleep in His presence. when i'm running away in the rain and i stop to hide under a tree, and i think no one's going to ever find me here, there He is -- ready to cover me with His jacket (haha.) and protect me from the rain. He's there whispering the words that i need to hear the most. that tv show boyfriend? yup. that's my Jesus.

i know this sounds really silly, but it provides me with so much comfort knowing that He's always looking out for me. He'll never let me run off alone. He'll never miss the tears that I cry. He knows exactly what i'm going thru without me having to tell Him. and this day, i pray that you, my precious girlfriend, will come to discover that He truly loves you with everything that He's got. and that love is deeper than you'd ever know. He's holding you up, even right now, even when it seems totally impossible. i pray that He would make His presence ever so clear to you. that you'd know He's right there. :)