Life moves.

Kindly inform that I had moved my blog to http://youdontknowme-rachel.blogspot.com/ without really informing.

Thanks for your attention. =)

rojak post

love me tender, love me sweet...


a smile could make difference

p/s no capital letter here as it performs numlock whenever i applied capslock...

fyi, i have four siblings but i'm as lonely as those come from single child family. i have two brothers who with undiagnosable psychological and mental problem and one youngest sister just like any other normal girls, loves very much
shopping, mirror and comb and our ages are in 7 years gap. she always frust me as we are from different world...with different interests and character either in parents eyes or to other people impression...therefore, basically, i have no one to talked to.

and the saddest thing is, since i was small, i was always told by the adult, i'm the stupidest among the four. i always imagine how great all my siblings would be and i reluctantly accept the fact that i should be a teacher. but at school, when people asked, i hated to answer for teacher even tough i loved sharing what i know to other people, i always went for doctor, the richest, the one whom my name had to be called by the nurse before i could see him, the one who always put the stethoscope on me and asked me take a deep breath, the one who like to say 'ahhhhh' to me before putting that ice-cream stick inside my mouth, giving me sweet after abusing me together with my parents with that bittery, pinky syrup...and all that added up the term 'noble' as what i think of doctors.

i always sang 'oh, sarah, sarah...' and the future is not our to see.

i always wondered when can i sit on the plane my right index finger pointed to, everytime time it flied over my head and the roof of my little house...yet i never take a flight for this 18 years i lived.

i always wanted to be back to an age when no worry bothers me like i had every second now...

and i was always wrong about people, about human being.

those who looked cool and arrogant when i first encountered them are always unexpectedly kind. those who were once nice to me eventually turned their backs.

i was fine with my roommate. but i never expected she would be a person that talks. the first time i saw her made me felt that this is an ordinary, pure k.l people...arrogant, confident and somehow the way she looked at you trembled you.

but now she told me that if there's anything, i could talk to her as seeing me stressed out recently. so i came out with a new concept about people...'don't always judge someone before you had been saying 'halo' with him/her for a month.' things changed. you might feel cold shoulder everytime, but somehow it's just the deep inside us which unwilling to make the initiative to know each other better and an akward smile doesn't help at all.

like what i had been experienced in matriculation. i ended up making close friends with those whom i thought were just attention-seekers. but as i know them better, i found that i had to cancel every single perception on my pre-judgment list about them.

but seriously, i appreciated that my roommate was trying to lend a helping hand. i was ashamed by seeing that she could be more open-minded than me......soon mingled around the troop inside my lecture and i found her a very interesting person and sure wouldn't be as silent as in the room when she's with her buddies. yet, i was amused.

of course she didn't know, neither you, neither me what's exactly wrong with me. for those who had been seeing me for 3 weeks here, they would certainly notice the nerd in me. let say if i would really want to describe more specifically about it, it's just simple, 'under this nerdy glasses, i have a pair of caring eyes, i knew how you feel and i knew what should i talk with you, but behind this mask i wore in order to protect myself, i have a little angry heart with a circle......and i just couldn't walk out from that circle and shake your hand and hug you and say i love you.' get it? never mind.

and i don't even let my mom to get inside that circle...let alone a roommate that couldn't describe what is the feel of being alone and sad. the world that none of my best friend could enter...none of them, and for certain level that i felt it's time for me to talk about it, there's an automatically switched on alienation from the people who are close to me. i'm not sure if that comes from my mind or my heart.

and somehow, i also hide away from God.

imagine that feeling when your stubbornness forced you not to talk about something suffering inside you, even to God.

but that shouldn't be happened. we must live in peace and joy with our faith on God.

nevertheless, easier said than done.

i remembered a friend said, action is ultimatum.

this is why i loved blogging. it eased me every time i wrote them out.

and no matter how bad my mood is, i always smiled to people. trust me, especially inside this bigger ocean where you see patients and visitors apart from colleagues and lecturers. spare your smile as they are therapeutic. as a normal stranger walked pass you, we never know, deep inside him/her...there's could be a serious panic or depression working on......, and your smile might just have save one person that day and a pat on the shoulder is just the simplest body contact people seek after, and they are dressing nice and presenting good virtues daily just to hope for that.

be grateful when someone says 'hi' to you. be aware that you don't get to receive 'hi' everyday...it might be an attempt by people to show that they respected you and soon you lost that respect when you never showed that interest to answer it. don't assume that someone is being unfriendly as they are looking away....in this era, people are mostly likely to protect themselves from being hurt...so usually, we are all waiting for to be greeted. making first move never came to our thoughtful thought.

and today in the rehabilitation unit, i saw a very pretty little girl, dressing in school uniform, giving me and a few of us an innocent look as the rest are attentively listening to the staff and taking notes. it's a big discover to me that it's actually an unit that also gives away care for children with psychiatric problem...

i still remembered how desirable i am to just walk over and touch her head and give some supportive compliments...but i'm just afraid stepping out and i see the same thing in other course mates as well who were not into the briefing ever since this little soul became a distraction.

and her mother, in an awkward manner, brought her out from the clinic and came back when we ended our visit. i'm not sure how the little girl felt, but i was hurt at the very first.

and at the same time, i felt that i was making mistakes. i doubted if my intention to greet her was raised from sympathy. in fact, i should treat her just the same like any other kid.

but for sure, i'm not wrong being here. i realized i really want to be a doctor now. at least i got the passion......at least i have to do something when i can.

Agape ♥

why? why? tell me why?

Agape Love? I'm frust~

Seriously, I'm frust. What had happened to my English? They smelled rusty now. When I skimmed through my previous posts, I found boredom, bland and numbness. And my writing became unbearably long and with too much details.

Would it have to do with any psychological effect? Is it possible that previous days ago I wrote in a bad mood? Again, I don't know.

But now, I gotta tell that things changed. I'm okay here. Ermm...okay doesn't support very much the claim that I'm happy now. [In progress la......]

People have always said to the passive and unmotivated, those who apparently easy to give up...'Stand up,......and live for yourself.'

To Christians, we often rather live for God.

But I was doing neither.

Here, I see people grouped up together, moved in gangs. A friend told me, if you haven't try to find a gang now, you will be alone for five years. It is understood that we must watch out for each other. But is it mature enough for medical students who will be professionals five years later to handle things in such way? If I'm not in your gang, would I be an absolute stranger to you even if we went for the same lecture, joining the same club or perhaps staying at the same desasiswa for five years? If I'm about to die before you, would you save me in consideration that I'm not from your gang? Less dramatically, does it mean we cannot exchange knowledge, info and notes just because we are not in the same gang?

I just don't get the point. You can shout on the stage to call for integrity among us, among different races...but when you come down from that stage, you split among your own ethnics.

Coming here, I've seen more walks of life and the dark side of human, like the selfishness you can't imagine of. It's was a terrible place here when y0u find no hope for human which conversation preferred to be overtaken by rolling over eyes. [For some of them only......and even guys struggle to be attention-seeker...well, they are.]

But last night made me changed my mind.

I went for the welcoming night of Kota Bharu Methodist Church.

We played the Agape Love game to know each other. Seniors formed on big circle and juniors formed a smaller circle inside. And our circles was moving, and to each senior we would choose number and showed the number by our fingers. If the number matched, we only do the action according to the number. Otherwise, we bowed and apologized to each other.

Number 1 is the original love. Means we looked at each other into eyes and made intro where in that person eyes, you actually see yourself.

Number 2 is teaching love. Where we looked away from each other to our left side and made intro.

Number 3 is friendship love. We shook hand and introduced ourselves.

Number 4 is Agape love. We hugged each other and made intro.

Initially like others, I prefer number 3. I don't dare to look into senior's eyes, let alone hugged them and looking away from them doesn't seem respectful.

Then, I noticed some of the warm seniors often choose number 4 which my number 3 would have us to bow down and say sorry.

As time passed or senior passed, I began to have the gut to choose number 4 where I hugged a few seniors.

It makes me to realize there're still the people I'm seeking outhere. Why should I be sad whenever seeing my coursemates squeeze their eyes when looking at me or telling something hurtful with an indifferent tone? If I instead showing them some ♥it might confused them, right?xD

I felt the warm of human. I felt Jesus ♥ around us. It was just that simple night that took away my sadness for being here, three weeks.

As before that, I always wondered why people could just easily lend you a cold shoulder? But now I know, they lacked of Agape Love.

And I should share with them the love God has given me. ♥

Oh Yes.

In the name of God, we seek from you: The ability to be truthful, honest, modest, merciful......

This is the oath we are going to take in five years time later on, which it seems a long road to walk before you even get there.

But today, Prof. Zabidin Hussin led us to take the oath five years earlier for us to affirm that no matter what we should never give up this course or the will that brought us here at the first place, after I thought this would be another boring and sleepy lecture. Otherwise, the way Professor assimilated the medical field into us made the whole class walked along his past, journey, experiences and vision together. Again, being a doctor is not just about stethoscope and scalpel.

I felt very heavy for the past few days, sticking to the euthanasia issues on my own with books in the library, it's all about medical cases to be brought to the court and decisions that you had to made regarding life and death. I wondered, is it so hard to be a doctor? Or can I just sit at a small clinic, treating fever and cough? And it seemed there was no end for the way they discussed, with all those argues and humanitarian speculations. It is especially stressful for me seeing some of the colleagues finished all their reading and proceeded to nursing block which don't even start yet. They are FULLSTOP. [NO COMMENT]

And today, the lecture woke me up. I always wanted God to be part of it when it comes to decision of the patient's life without realising God has been the host of the whole game. And the introduction to bioethics so far that excluding God till today's lecture made me feel really relieved. Skimming through all those cases, I always wonder if I can just tell the patient to let me handle everything and all you do is just praying to God and He might show you what we hope for the most, miracle. It's up to Him when your life is even a gift from Him. But all these medical books took care of things professionally, which spirituality is deliberately missed out.

And I am happy to be told USM medical doctors put God first in everything and doctor's job is to heal but not to decide or predict death. I joyfully returned the bioethics and all its trash theories back to the library. And what Prof. mentioned on the stage...it felt like a M16 shooting on all my friends who don't take belief seriously. I had been sicked seeing them so passionate in acquiring all those information and knowledge they needed, some speaking for human rights, but ended up all back to their own interests and benefits, somehow with ego in their eyes, self-centeredness felt in the air. Their motive and intention to speak for the good of human were not known.

Now I clearly know why God put me here. Cuz doctor is a profession that shows care to people irrespective of their gender, race and religion. God wanted to see love among us. We don't just hide from the ethnics issues or racism or whatsoever, we face it, deal with it and accept that in God eyes, we are all equally the same, in the manner that life begins.

I supposed my disappointment for not being a film director together with my attitude in taking granted for gifts from God, should be sap away by knowing that there are still many people suffering in pain and things around me don't just exist there for me...but with reason I'm going to find out. And it's a shame to me when those who are sick, informed that they are not able to live any longer...they are having these dreaded news with smile.

I'm not sure if when a serious circumstance comes across, that only gives people certain bravery and grants them better emotional strength. Cuz the first thing that comes to our mind, I supposed, should be family, people we love when we are in danger or in the verge of death. Often, they are the reason why we struggle or try our best to be still alive. But can't I tell you a better reason, perhaps God? Yea, for that, you think yourself.

I had that experience too, a moment where I totally lose the right to decide anything for myself, when I laid on that bed with blood continuously flowing out of my head. You won't know but let's show some empathy as if you know it. I can tell you for that instant, I just commit everything to Lord. Between uncertainty if I'm going to die and strong will that I want to live for my family, all my heart says it's just prayer, telling God that now it's You to decide, live or dead.

But for many, I know, they would be panicked. Who they are going to tell all of these? They live with pride and ego, with their own hard-earned money, 'I paid myself for my food, not God.' And when these happened, when death is near, everything will be the same again. When people don't know or don't own a life after death, they become fear of death when it's an exchange of everything you earn in this world with your hard work.

And lastly, what about euthanasia? Man! I love to ask about this issue. All those bioethics...abortion, human research, artificial insemination? Don't tell me you're dealing with them without God. No bold decision available.

Well, it's hard.

Unveil the mask

Everyday you woke up, the first thing you do is to open up your eyes and then next would be looking yourself at the mirror. Wondering, am I living myself today? Am I doing what I should do or I should do what I want to do?

Things I had learned, did I learn something? Knowledge, should only be acknowledged when it is useful to me? What's the measure of the usefulness of knowledge?

And how should we deal with people? Are the handsome and pretty take advantage or confidence made better first impression? Or, everyone should start by looking into heart where we found all are equally sinned?

Sense of alert

I was always refusing to write something till I really know it and capable of voicing out towards that particular issue.

And here I encountered the terms regress, self-centered, disengaged and etc via LoyarBurok, a link recommended by a friend.

Which, I strongly felt I have the obligation to start bothering what is going on around Malaysia but not just Facebook.

And the conditions and situations described on our university students are vivid and I supposed speak to many of us. Yes, walking around the campus, I found rarely intellectuals with heart for the country, we are exactly limited by the perkarangan kampus and our biggest concern would be contributed only to the welfare of student but hardly question about the legal right of university students to get involved in the so-called politics. Is it time yet for us to say something or our duties were just to stuck with the table lamp and lecture notes??

Even if I myself, once stood up in the Pimpin Siswa Camp and asked students not to bother about politics, my pure motive was just hoping that we focused on studies and this mini-Malaysia inside the campus and worked as a team together, oblivious to the racism and injustice in the world outside.

But I realized, this could not be done. After five years, we are stepping out this place and we are still gonna facing what I reluctantly to tell, the reality. And if we haven't make clear of ourselves our rights and responsibilities to the society, what are we to even gone further to PBB issues?? And at that time, we are the one who steer the game, regardless what course you're taking now, each play an important role to work out the system and implement new rules to better the progressing process.

And I am still, studying the euthanasia conflict when everyone has proceed to cell and tissues, (I meant for those who really want to be accelerated excellence).

By the way, all I'm trying to tell, is that it's was shocked for me to see that there are still people fighting together despite their race for anything that we deserved. And looking around here, watching people here, I'm just wondering, when will we going to be like them? They are not our benchmarks but aren't we supposed to learn, to question? Because...

"Do not judge the truth by the men.know the truth,you'll be able to judge men"..

and pheeewww...for one whole week here...I really feel like a law student instead of a medical student as I'm dealing with rights and issues all day long.


Wanna share a quote I got from euthanasia issue...

"The very soul of medicine is on trial...This issue touches medicine at its moral center; if this moral center collapses, if physicians becomes killers or even licensed to kill, the profession---and, therewith, each physician---will never again be worthy of trust and respect as healer and comforter and protector of life in all its frailty."

Do you agree?

A Week Being Medic Student

World is small. But the society is wide. Human are still as complicated regardless the anatomy. Gender are confusing despite homosexual and bisexual and transgendered. Disease and illness, have their own distinction. And doctors, learn patient first before coming to the disease, prevent disease before coming to treating them. And reminder, they are human being like us, not a ration of cases and files. Thus, putting up that white coat is not an easy task, it requires much more, more than the things you could learn in these five years.

And here I am, receiving the challenge and fighting against all odds with what all the noble and successful should have, discipline. And for those who have read the Hippocratic Oath, yes, medicine is an art, not science. We don't hold the test tube all the time and label samples; we actually go out and do something, at least for the world.

I learn human. Yes, I learn them all the time, here. Just before I learn something further about their health, I learn one most important thing first, the heart. Sometimes, things you've seen may not be what it should be. People came with new will, fighting mode to be medic graduate, an APEX one, but how many of them came with passion? People shouted 1 SISWA on stage, putting on ideas on how to preserve the world but I see them, having the laptop and tap water on all night. People calling out, that we should have teamwork, we should be 1 Malaysia, but I see forced smile, doubt and disgust in their eyes.

And what about me? Who am I? Am I not seeing what I did but just seeing what others did?

What about the rest of the world, that struggling to fight for human right for years? Third world countries that have been trying to bring down the veto with their miniscule power? Israel-Palestine issues?

I don't really know. But learn from Einstein's quote, learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.

how is rachel now?

What a great day!

Owh, ok. Weird response from me, being at a new, fresh, strange, foreign place......

Actually I'm homesicked. I cried, I called Mom, I raised my voice, I grumbled, I wished to quit. All the courage that take me to withstand or to say, keep holding on...[lame reason]...was just the WPP...that costs me RM1500/...pheww...cuz I spent like half already...and If i cabut lari now...I would be a penghutang...keliling pinggang...

soo, i stayed.

But now I know why I'm here.

God made me here. Which most importantly, He wants me to see Him, that He is there for me. It seemed as if I'm alone outhere...loneliness in the air...parents not around...few friends that hard to be called friends...n when troubles come...looks like panic must take the first place...

But really...as long as you pray...you pray...u can feel that He is there...and problems just solved...like that..... which is totally out of what you can think of.

well, cn't believe orientation would be so exhausted n devastating...[am i using the correct word??]

I'm sure the details can be cut. I think everyone have the same thing here...sirens...walking around campus...registration...lectures...and worst you might be fooled and punished by the faci and finally having to deal with the MUD..

You know what, people like mud. I heard it from KMPh before.

Luckily, I had nothing to do with it..cuz I was a second intake and here in USM, i SKIPPED IT too cuz I'm sick.

Then, here is this Kem Pimpin Siswa for USM students.

All I can see, they stress very much many things I haven't possed...disciplinary, maturity, professionalism, rational thinking...

If to compare with matricualtion in the past, it makes me to think KMPh is like a playground.

Seriously...u felt u r grown up here.

And I only brought myself here with passion. I felt like dropping into a big blue ocean, waiting for me to explore. And there's are many different things in different parts...from coral reef to shark. [as an analogy]

but that doesn't mean the moon here is rounder. hard work pays off.

Vision: Transforming higher education for a sustainable tomorrow. That's what they want. A holistic doctor.

But my main point was still not here.

It's lucky for me that I'm getting here. Now I appreciate it much.

The campus is linking to the Hospital.

So, at the same time, u are seeing people from outside...the sick, the injured...the professionals with white coat.

u are seeing where you work when you are studying.

And, yes I'm gonna be a doctor...a good one. Cuz I'm berkobar-kobar already when i walked around the hospital.

Marks deducted to the doctor who lacking skill in injecting for me.

Soup Jet Thief

If I am to declare, blogging is what I give up forever, it would become a fictional lie.

Incarcerated in an external world, loneliness searches me out inside. Blogger is a better option than friends and psychologist.

I'm not the type that can talk everything to people, face-to-face when I had to waste my time adjusting topics to attract the fake listener.

And, not everyone in this era, is capable to listen. [Neither I] Let alone to reconcile and respond. Your shoes follow you all the time, hardly anyone would step in as the size differs.

You'll find people often nod their head aimlessly when you're actually talking. No one is asking, 'I don't get it.' But this question often comes out when you make them as the subject. Extra virtue and gentleness show up.

Blogging is personal. A subjective passion. No matter how many reader, comment and kudos were there.

And your lappie just accepted whatever you type, no right and wrong. One thing it gave you. Time. One thing it spared you. No judgment. One lesson it let you learn by yourself. Change. One and only right you own, let go.

Anti-social adolescent eluded. Tiredness taken place. Demand of promised maturity to accept the fact always and ignore those which against it. A rational start of having commitment and sense of responsibility. I don't remember if we've make any deal or I have agree to attain a maturely growth. Everything seems so right and suppose-to-be.

To elate is your next step where there's no negotiation allowed. People are giving moral support. No one forces you but the clapping. These were all presupposed desired state. Which you want it by yourself. Subtle? Yes, keenly marked but with mere objective to make the parents proud. Isn't this what we should be doing?

But still, self-happiness took the VIP seat of the whole movie. Be grateful with what you have.

Rewrite review of 'Remember Me'

Old Town told everything about Malaysians. Chatty, mirthful, endless topics from politics to World Cup, from medicine to friend's accident, from Twilight to types of toilet, from breaking up couple to car pooling issues.

World Cup was a preferably subject, shocking result like 7-0 when Portugal versus Korea, small amusing accident when footballer grasped the private part of his opponent......

A relaxing night where you hardly noticed who sit next to your table because you are too busy talking. This is our last but not least gathering that to be continued. Inside the coffee shop, we had at least lived in the moments.

Live in the moments. A tagline of the recent movie I watched, 'Remember Me'.

How many of us have gone to that part? Where the past and the future were no more a restriction that we had to suppress and deny a moment without living in fear? Have you ever wonder, strangers you encountered every day, how many of them could be exactly happy and without fear? Your teacher, the newspaper man, the burger seller......

Robert Pattinson changed my mind about him after this movie. Maybe it's merely because Tyler impressed me and one thing that knocked my mind when I wrote, he once said, 'Our fingerprints don't fade from the life we've touched.'

A guy that smelled beer and cigarette can actually give you something which is more than a life lesson, an alert of the slowly angry world.

Kudos to the writer and the cast but not the ending which no one would wish for in a world of fear.

[A comment from a friend where my recent review of 'Remember Me' was too comprehensive and exhaustive. I felt the same when I read over again. So, I read a review online to know the exact format of an exact review. And I tried to rewrite again and I cherish every opportunity to learn and improve myself.]

Be Strong and Always

I deleted the recent post. I was hoping nobody read it as that explained I'm greedy and random, ungrateful with what I have. I WAS totally regretted for what I had wrote.

I promised myself that I will not be the same again. I wanted a change and I wanted to show people a different Rachel.

I was initially in deep depression and decided to take ride on my sis's bike just around the neighborhood.

During the ride, I had seen people, playing soccer on the field, jogging, cycling and still mustn't miss the badminton on the back street.

I wonder how proud I could be if I can tell them, one day I'm going to be doctor and I'm going to help people.

This is the life I want that God has given me and what more I could ask?

Thank God for blessing my life.

Mom wants a talk with me. I refused her. Cuz I believe by faith on God, I can walk out from the shadow myself.

And USM, life......here I am.

Hi Hi

Watch showdown 2010 n really wanna be a Bgurl next time. If I have the will, there's a way!! So, I'm 努力-ing......am dancing a lot with B.E.P lately in ma own room.

Bought a super-bass earphone exclusively for my MP3 to enjoy the nice POP N ROCK...well, the original SONY earphone would be RM52...o.O...and of course tat is not in my budget...

a BIT AMUSED when the emcee said, 'Yoh, No touching, no touching, yoh!!'

I'm just not sure how my fwen would react, seeing me talking like him later...

it's raining, and a cold good night to do blog here...

actually a bit sad rite nw, remembering myself not doing good in matriksss...

Not the result, but my behaviour, my attitude among frens...

many had to bear my ri-drunk-ulous temperrr...

plus, I was easily pissed off seeing people being arrogant around...when 4-flat is like putting a golden crown on them and other people gettin 4-flat were like a knife stabbin them~~

I was completely sorry for what I had done, in case any of my classmate read this, I admitted my irresponsible and inconsiderate attitude. I was not good in cooperation.

Guess, it's hard work to be workin as a team..

well, doctor seems fit me.

workin alone, when only the patients who shud talk there.

btw, wanna wish Happy B'day to my brother, David here. Wish u hav a healthy body and mind and always love God. God bless you!! ♥

Readers, I'm still rock. Hope everyone enjoy their Uni life. Drop a message in Facebook whenever free. Grab a coffee if we met.

And to Nibong Tebal fweenn...all da best too, I'm happy to see we are getting mature and grown up, bahaha x)...thanks for enlightening my childhood...Make sure u dun seal your mouth next time gatherings...

all da best, all da best~~~

it's time to be a healthy, sunny youth~~[sunnies on] *blink*

okie, okie...see ya next time.

soon, i'll be no longer hav time 2update bloggie...

Random

I talked less now. With family and friends.

When there's no topic between us, I found it's unnecessary to talk.

With parents, I just hate it when they think they could read me, they understand me while they made a completely wrong guess.

With friends, I can't talk neither. Just, I still haven't open my heart to make friend.

So, I rather be silent and again back to my own world.

So that I can have some peace in my mind, so that I wouldn't be swayed away easily from the track of the Truth.

After what happened, after every miracles in my life, which is less attracting compared to fairy tale, but I could deeply feel that it's a journey.

Especially when I met Christ, many things changed and all from bad to good.

It isn't what you pay hard work for or your convince of yourself about it, I believe many heard the gospel and God just picked everyone and it's up to you now whether you accept to be chosen.

And somehow your conscience and humility made you stood out for it.

I know it's rather weird but I need time. The relationship between God and me is something beautiful. Imagine, you can just talk to God and soon, you see the response, right in front of you. This is something couldn't be seen by others who didn't believe that it could feel the emptiness right in their chest.

A Pastor said praying isn't like taking up the phone, phone to the one you want to talk to, just talk what you need and put down the phone. You need the one from the other side to respond. Many had said 'Amen' even before they asked God if this is what He wants.

Imagine a kid that had suicidal thinking since she was only 12. As a child, things already become so difficult to her and world had showed her unfairness too earlier. Nothing is ever right to her, at home or school. And secondary school was a tough life until she see Christ.

And the villains, the bullies were no one better than her now.

I knew many people feel the injustice of the world. Trust me, if I wish to write the injustice in my life, it would be pages long.

And it's a great, new whole life when Jesus came to me and told me it's time.

Our God is justice and He can turn something to good or everything to good just beyond the extent you could imagine.

This is the world He created, what more you can doubt?

It doesn't matter to me how you think, well, I just want to talk about myself.

I just wish to tell my life has a sharp turning point and this is what I press on every time I write.

It seems I talked less now.

Something Worth

Karate Kid and Toy Story 3 are very hot now. Frankly I wasn't attracted when friends were recommending on Facebook. I just don't have mood to go out and cast my butt on the cinema seat.

You know what I mean when you saw the long Q and you have to be one of them, waiting anxiously and when it is your turn, your favourite movie turned out to be a canceled plan as there's not even a single seat left for you. You might choose to watch it for the next period but like what the Hokkien said, 'Sienzzzzz.' If you wasn't come to the mall for any other purpose but merely to spend an evening with popcorn, what shall you do when goofing around the mall just to wait for the movie?

You could feel as if nothing meet your plan, suddenly you have to make up your mind all over again. You can't eat your dinner earlier while you are full with your lunch. You're not willing to spare the tokens for arcade games that you will lose. You are not in the mood for shopping while looking out for the clock. Everything is just not right for you and your last hope is, the coming up movie could cheer you up together with caramel popcorn.

So, expectation for the movie made high. You become focus, sensitive. The tiniest mistake or a boring scene would just screw your appetite for the movie. You become upset, with time and money spent to be here for it. You are let down by your own plan, your own judgment of the superb, cool trailer and poster. You started realizing the importance of 'don't judge a book by its cover'. Lesson learnt. And you try to be more careful in picking up movie the next time.

This is when you forgot that the key for the whole process is just to enjoy it. Enjoy an air-con room with big screen, where you have to laugh with mouth full of popcorn, scream together with other people and predict the murderer with your friend if you are accompanied.

My Mom always wondered why would I in love with movie so much despite my dream is to be a film director. Her perception is, our eyes are still a pair of eyes when the movie is end with probably some tears for focusing too much on the screen. And her style is, never remember any scene inside a movie, when she is out of the dark room or the TV just closed, she would forget what happened just now.

Unlike her, I enjoyed movie very much and the cherishable part would be memorising while watching it, encoding as much as possible information from the screen to my brain. Perhaps some interesting face, quote, action, case, behaviour and extra knowledge about another side of world you never stepped into. Well, I know very much, people don't conceive any movie they watched, they judged it by logic and arranged what benefit delicately.

But, I was rather different, I just take what inspire me much. And somehow the soundtrack can set me into trap to be in love with the movie just because of it when you can just feel the same, if the action is in tune with the key and that's very distinguishable with MTV. I mean, I sensed the difference and my inclination to movie. That is something I can't explain since I was a kid. And when you have heart for something, you dream that you can make one of those too, one day later. I presume this is the reason I want to be a film director at first.

I have no mood for cinema but pirated DVD with clear view and correct subtitle still buy me. Illegally, this is legal to a student like me that earns 0 Ringgit Malaysia per month.

People are talking about how many books they have read, counting happily one by one, with prestigious title and writer. Well, I'm talking about how many pages I could withstand when Harry Potter and New Moon still abandoned in drawer. I don't like reading for real tough I forced myself once.

However, there is an exceptional case. I'm proud to say I finished all 金庸's novels except Condor Hero. Those are chinese wushu novels that are not trendy like the Twilight Saga that have been famous for one time but I can assure you every generation must have young people who loved it and would love it till the very end.

Once again, I have to admit, I prefer to read by motion such as movie. This might be my different way to learn. I could tell Mom I do learn something by 10 ringgit every time inside. There is a satisfaction where your memory is full of color and your imagination updated. Let me remind, there's nothing gross or nasty here and no porno thing I'm trying to describe here.

It's just I like movie and my leaving mood for cinema is certain to be temporary. PPS and pirated DVD took the place.

我从前风闻有袮，现在亲眼看见袮。

My Mom said a Bible verse that touched my heart very much.

Job 42:5, My ears had heard of You but now my heart seen You.

约伯 42：5，我从前风闻有袮，现在亲眼看见袮。

In the past, I was just a believer, a girl who called herself Christian. I enjoyed having a new Christian name, singing hymns in the church, shake hand and pray for the Brothers and Sisters, listening to Pastor preaching the Holy Bible I encountered after 16 years I lived and had the ever first natural and comfortable smile.

I heard Jesus' name since childhood and even sang Hallelujah to describe the religion to people whenever someone mention the word Christ. From the movie, I learned drawing a cross upon chest like the Catholic did. I just knew there is this religion and I have friends who are Christians. But I never know the price it paid and the cost of the cross I often drew upon my chest.

I never know upon the cross, there's someone who died for our sins. And before He was crucified, He was stripped naked and made to wear a crown made of thorns. Soldiers started spitting on Him, making fun of Him as the King of the Jews. And then, there was this flagellation that tore Jesus' flesh apart.

Jesus, a name which in childhood I always mimicked people in Hong Kong movie and said, '無同我講耶穌！’ yet never knew things He had done for me.

He died as the King of the Jews yet as the Savior of the rest of the people on earth or to say, He died for sinners which the love is extremely unconditional.

He is now King of Kings, Lord of Lords.

People are sad, frustrated with this unfair world yet they haven't come to know this justice God that's still loving us and will judge everything during the Judgment Day.

They watched 2012, talking about the excited disasters in the movie yet they didn't aware that the day is near and they still refused salvation God promised us.

To Christians, heaven is near but a few still, haven't prepare themselves to enter the Kingdom. They lagged with non-Christians and forgot church on Sunday. They said Avatar and Adam Lambert are awesome when they both opposed the truth. They even mimicked Voldemort and said Avada Kedavra. They always knew there's a relative dualism between the light and the dark but this is not absolute and one day God will judge all of the dark side and reign victorious. But still, they loved to be in between 'already' and 'not yet', thinking that salvation is easy. It somehow becomes a question to others when they said they believed in Christ yet never listened to Christ.

Remember Ephesian 4:27, neither give place [opportunity] to the devil.

以弗所书 4：27， 也不可以给魔鬼留地步。

All of us haven't seen God completely, even there are much angels do not know. But it's just the matter whether we are willing to give away some time to seek and know him. I was only heard God by ears, merely believing in Him but His love made me see Him now. After what I had suffered one year in matriculation, after everything I have been going through, I'm back to His arms with His power. He did prepared a table before me in the presence of my enemies.

There are a few sentences I cherish very much which my friend, Lydia Pang posted on her facebook.

LOVE the feeling when He draws His children back to Him. Just when we drifted away from Him, He never fail to drop little hints along our path to remind us that He will always be there for us! We just have to look for Him and surrender ourselves to Him. Praise the Lord!! =)

3 questions you need to answer for me

Before I even started, may I present several quotes:

1. Be crazy at the time you should be.
2. Hardworking gives no extreme. No one knows when's the minimum and maximum.
3. Be confident and shake your competitor's hand.
4. Be angry not until sunset.
5. Look at people when talked.
6. Receive information from all directions at one place and discard the useless in less than one second.
7. Make the disable to respect you regardless your disability.
8. Use your ears more often than mouth.
9. You are what you eat.
10. Healthy speaks for you.

Quote no.4 is from the Bible.
Quote no.9 is from dietitians.
Other quotes are from Rachel.

Question 1
If you are a USM lecturer and interviewer for medical doctor course in Health Campus, which interviewee will you consider to give the offer? A candidate who

A. never get A for her science pre-tests when she was standard 6.
B. sat 'special seat' in class.
C. was asked to stop schooling by her father and helped in the restaurant he's planning to open
D. to be identified as the stupidest among her siblings when she was 10.

Question2
If you are an English teacher with 20 years teaching experience, you are given the chance to give one of these candidate band 5 for his/her MUET, which one would you consider?

A. hated English after Math and had exactly no idea what her standard 5's English teacher talking about.
B. rejected by Choral Speaking group even before trying.
C. kicked out from debate competition even before joining.
D. often got B for her writing in secondary school no matter how hard she tried to write.

Question3
What do you think about the Rachel you know?

A. talk rudely and loudly
B. always remember people's mistakes
C. easily get angry
D. extremely arrogant and never smile
E. love to fight
F. sensitive and judgmental
G. indifferent
H. geeky
I. laugh about people weakness
J. being unreasonable
K. indecisive
L. non-supportive
M. hesitate when it comes to helping a friend

(you can choose all in this question)

Question 1 and 2 options are actually all talking about me.
Question 3 stated my behavior in the past and might be at present if you sense one or two but I'm changing, right?

The world is ugly and I had to admit, people let go friendship but choose jealousy, betrayal, insensitivity, selfishness. They let go family but choose freedom, free-thinking, fame and property. They let go the truth, the light but choose the pub, club, one night stand, money, dark side.

Kalau sensitive, pakailah sensodyne.

Look, God has miracles in my life.
I was always considered myself as an unfortunate human being until I know Him and believe. This life has never been the same.
I'm always joyful and blessed since a Father in heaven is watching over me.
I was always sad about the opportunities that never come to my hand, but the most precious one on Earth had been given to me, the chance to know Christ.
I was poor and still fail to compete with the rich to have financial aid yet now my biggest richness is in Christ.
I was shy with my outward appearance when friends jokes about that but now I looked at the mirror with confidence as I'm created by God's image and He only looks into my heart.
I was feeling embarrassed with my poor family background but now we are proud to say we are children of God, God is our largest treasure.
I was always afraid of people attacking me, but I feel secure with God now and those who could hurt my body but do nothing else, I do not afraid.
I was pessimistic with my future but now tomorrows are all in God's hands and His plan is the best and beautiful.
I love to sing and I found the best place to do that, the church.
I was always worried for everything, but now I cast all my anxiety on God as He cares for me.
By seeing richer people, I thought I lived in misery but now I live in blessings.
I always panicked and my heart burdened be when troubles come, but now I can pray!
I always called myself lucky when good things happen and I always wondered how the luck exists and all I did now is saying, 'Hallelujah'! (Thank You Lord!)
Father and I always had gap but now he shower unconditional love upon me.
I hated my siblings and would trade them all for a good dog but now I love them more than I could.
I was indecisive but God decides for me now.
I was a rebellious kid but I see truth, light and way in God.
I always have no vision in life but God made me see my life is to be salt.
I was arrogant but God told me smiling is better.
I ought to forgive people no matter how bad they are, so that God forgive me.

Do not trust me. But trust Him that His love can transform you and improve life. For the truth says, 'For God so loved the world, that He gave His one and begotten Son that whoever believe in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.'

Our Father in Heaven, hallowed be Thy name.

Nintendo, c'mon!

Attention, reader!! I found a nice post here.

Let's start with this quote: Have you ever heard nothing beats the classics? Well it's true with games as well.

Heard of Nintendo? Or Sega? They are real memories.

Boring of chatting on MSN? Uploading pictures on Flickr? Or just give comment on Facebook?

Here comes the chance to kill time!

Super Nintendo console was out and your mother just threw one away? Or the only thing bored you out at home is the PS3 you date with everyday?

[Okie, stop crapping here.]

Don't worry, now we can download all kinds of classic games to PC and played it with fun!

I know, you still can buy the CD-Rom from some outdated game store in spite your window 7. But what do you think to play it without charge?

[sounds like promoting~==]

Remember Donkey Kong? Super Mario? Contra? Bomber Man?

Yumyum! Gamelicious~~

[still crapping~==]

Okie2! Here's d light and simple stepsssy:

STEPS TO DOWNLOAD

In order to download Donkey Kong you wont need any special graphics card or high resolution card, due to the fact that this classic games are in low resolution and do not required graphics cards.

FIRST STEP

Head over to http://www.brothersoft.com

SECOND STEP

Look for the tab at the top of the page called Games and click on it and then to the left hand side you will look and click on the option Emulators

THIRD STEP

On emulators look to the right hand side of your screen where it says VIDEO GAMES and in that same category pick SNES

FOURTH STEP

On the SNES page scroll down until you see the video games and pick Donkey Kong Country or any other game you want and click download and save to your computer.

FINAL STEP

Once the download is complete you need to run the file called snes emulator it will bring up a black screen where on the top there is a tab called load game simply click on it and load Donkey Kong from wherever place you store the game on your computer and then thats it you will be able to play it.

The SNES emulator games do not take much space from your computer so you can download as many classic games as you want, enjoy!!

If you got turbo joypad, just gaotim (change) the settings at the input tab (input configuration)

Turbo Joypad is disabled cuz nintendo what~

so, just choose Joypad1, and set the keys by tekan (press) your joypad lorr...

Pieces of cake la...


Repost from lestard2009~

Owl City [not any review here]

Still remember the first time I hear about Owl City.

It was the time I went home for Chinese New Year by tumpang my Uncle's car all the way from Gambang, Pahang.

I was very first among any other Chinese students in Pahang Matriculation that went home. I had to, as bus ticket sold off and Uncle Loo [the only relative in Gambang] was going home on Wed.

Honestly, I applied to go home by Thursday. I might miss a lot of things at college and not be able to on track with homework. Unless I wasn't planning to celebrate [so not going to happen], or else I had to just tried. So, I prayed.

Then, at Wed night, Uncle came to my hostel to fetch.

We initially had agreed to take off on Thursday morning but plan changed.

With an approval letter for Thursday off, I got onto his car with small and big bags. Not forget to mention I'm a flicker minded person and I had almost, like hundred inconsistent thoughts when the car started to head to the guard house from my hostel, block C2.

As usual, we stopped by to greet the guard. He asked for the letter and I just showed it. It was late at night, I was assuming I could escape as soon as possible. I missed home very much!

Then he said, 'Wait a second!'

[God, what happen?]

'Remember to tell Pengarah later that you go home earlier.'

'Ok! Ok!'

'Happy CNY, a moi!'

[Pheewww~]

As soon as the car was out of the gate, my heart shouted, 'Yeah!!!!!'

We stopped by kaki gunung Genting and ate 4a.m supper.

Then, we passed by Tapah, Ipoh and Kampar.

7 a.m, I saw students walking to school in the rain. I had never seen the wake up of the world so vividly. It was like just an hour ago, the world was so quiet but as Sun rose and lighted up the world, I began to see movements from human, either going to school, working or heading to pasar.

8a.m, I knew my friends were going to class. Wondering if anyone was late. [of course!]

Uncle stopped by R&R to buy some fresh fruits just for my family. Thank you Uncle!!

And as we passed Jawi toll, my heart was jumping and all my sleepiness gone~

Uncle's four wheel went on flyover and this was the time where red.fm played Fireflies by Owl City. I was totally excited by seeing the big, flat sign writing Nibong Tebal~

I'm home!

And Owl City gave me a special first expression.

A dream

After the incident, I had a dream the second night.

Inside the dream, there's a bird cage but holding an unexpected creature.

Guess what?

A cobra.

This is the animal I'm afraid of most, when compared to lizard, spider and shark or to say, fear most in the snake encyclopedia.

iNSIDE the cage, there's a small container for water and I'm feeding the cobra with banana.

The feeling was confusing. I was afraid but had to feed the cobra as the cobra was smiling to me and chirping like a bird!

I immediately told Mom about the dream after I woke up.

But neither two of us know what is it about with the dream.

I even had a feeling that the cobra was a friend. The fact is hard to be tolerated.

We were going to ask a pastor about it.

As time passed and we hardly mentioned about it, even tough I still remembered the dream, I wasn't really interested in the message it tried to give anymore.

I once prayed to God to give me some hints but my prayer was even more ridiculous. I said to God why on Earth I would feed a cobra banana instead of a monkey? Looks like I'm adding my own imagination into the dream which didn't even exist in it.

This morning, I woke up late, AGAIN.

My mother was waking me all the time but I loved to pretend as if I'm still sleeping soundly.

When I was waked, in serious tone, she said to me that she had something to tell me and gave me that mysterious face as if she found a Zathura in our house.

I knew she was over reacted.

But she told me she had known the meaning of my dream. Gosh, really?!

She remembered the dream and she prayed to God this morning to let her know the message. Immediately there was a voice calling inside her head. Instantly, my Mom thanked God for many times.

This is what the dream was trying to tell. In case you didn't know, I encountered a church recently which I think they are fake Christians.

The bird cage indicated a church. The cobra is Satan. A bird cage should be dwelt by a bird but not a snake. It means, Satan is controlling the church now and it's faking Christ, making all the chirping sound like a bird and even smiled to you to set you into trap.

You are afraid yet at the same time, you are forced to feed it banana which means you are forced to worship the Satan.

God's parable is unpredictable yet miraculous.

God described Himself as a bird as bird belongs to the sky while Satan is a snake that ruling the earth.

Well, snake has been the symbol of Satan since the time Adam ate from tree of the knowledge of good and evil.

I really thanked God that He loved me so much regardless how sinful a person I am. He wanted to strengthen my faith by giving me this dream to tell me, those people aren't the one I should trust.

I was once a lost sheep and He found me.

Thank you Lord. In Jesus name, Amen!

And to dear brother and sister in Christ, be careful whenever you are away from home, pray before you join a church.

Another Little Prince

While people teasing others using the familiar symbol, 'OKU', I have but to write 'ORANG KURANG UPAYA' at the detail columns of my two brothers on every application form.

My first brother, David was as normal as I could remember. We had grown up together. Planting green peas, rearing koi, watching Power Puff Girls, playing SUPER MARIO BROS, having fight, visiting Taiping Zoo, ruling neighborhood playground, everything we did it together. We even created our own language that the parents couldn't understand when we talked. He was a fine boy until he was 9/10.

I was always isolated from him since and stayed with grandmother, away from my family. I was not sure when is the illness started to seek and seize him.

It was a psychological illness and began to deteriorate as nobody knows it and gets treatment for it.

All I know, he began to be different, locking himself in room, full of anger, being sensitive, easily to pick up fight and his results in school rapidly worsened. I was angry too and couldn't help but screwing up things when mentoring him on homework.

He started to talk to a tree at school when he was in standard 3. It wasn't an illness anyway, I clearly understand he was just expressing his dissatisfied feeling with the school and everything else to a tree. It's normal when everyone is too busy to be his listener. I hated that I was too young at that time, childish and non-supportive. Even if parents did mention his condition, I wouldn't understand but giving sarcastic comments. But they didn't, they even solved it in an irrational ways, as people that hadn't know Christ, my brother was brought to some idolatry place as they thought it would be something to do with 'dirty' thing.

So, as we all know, things only get bad. Only after he graduated from primary school, he told us that he had been bullied by his classmates and even his inhumane teacher at school since standard 4. Imagine the nightmare he had to face every single day in those three years when five days in a week, he was like in a hell. I couldn't imagine and think why on Earth there would be such human? Truly, I totally don't know what happened actually and all I see is a troubled and sick boy. I often asked myself, as a elder sister at standard six, why on Earth I never walked to my brother's classroom and asked if he was fine. Never once. And he skipped secondary school when his results was able to bring him straight to Form One as for the first day, he encountered those familiar faces who warned him not to come the next day. If he had insisted to go to school or if I had heart to help him finding another solution, if all those upset things never happened, if my parents were able to stop what were bad, he would have facing SPM now and waiting happily for his final year.

Many family might feel embarrassed to tell people but I was not ashamed to have people known I had such brothers. I couldn't describe my feeling for David, not sympathy, not angry, not hatred, not sadness and not ashamed. Neither to say their conditions gave me any life lesson. Only I know, ever since, my point of view on 'OKU' would be different and whenever I met one, I would respect them as much as possible and lend my help at any time. I wouldn't use the three letters as a joke even my brothers might not be one of them.

Not forget to mention, due to David's condition, my whole family were brought to Christ. His conditions isn't stable. But I must always thank God for strengthening my parents' faith. I couldn't tell the feeling of parents for finding their child to be abnormal halfway of their raising. Was it a disappointment or a feel of their failure for not grabbing chance to communicate with the little boy? And how should they encourage him for the rest of his life, seeing him still unconscious of what happening outside? Medicine killed his sense when doctor was not even sure of what the illness he's having and 'OKU' is the best explanation for now. By the way, settling him in a more suitable place needs an amount of money too. All these stress can only be overcame by prayer, by love of God and nothing else.

I always used David and Andrew as my career aspiration in any interview. To be a doctor and to show more care. But question is, are they the truth? Am I honest to myself? I was still unsure. Christ makes me know I wasn't related to 'unfair world' and 'blaming who' anymore.

It's been years, our whole family didn't show up together in mall or social occasion. There must be miss of certain family member as we couldn't make it. I wanted to bring David to mall, to place teenagers flooded, to where he belongs to for his age. But I realized this couldn't be done and shouldn't be forced. He is aware of his own problem and choosing to stay away. Sometimes he would ask, 'Why would I have this illness?' I know mother is holding back her tears and I felt as if a needle is poking my heart. Father is optimistic and knew David is happy making friends in Eden, with people that wouldn't make him awkward and worst, attacking him.

The medicine is certainly a bad idea that we must use and it's controlling his body. He felt dizzy and uncomfortable. As such, he often couldn't sit calmly at church when Pastor is talking. All he could do is holding firm the Bible on his hands.

David is a mystery and only God understands him and only God knows what is happening. All we could do is by praying for him and tolerating with his behavior. Mistakes if we came to the world merely to judge and demand.

I think he never knows I blogged him here. Hopefully to those who read this, those who have the same problem can try to know Jesus Christ as He is a loving God and supporting my family all the time. You couldn't imagine what He could do in you.

Call to me, and I will answer you-Jeremiah 33:3

Do not fear any of those things which you are about to suffer...Be faithful until death, and I will give you the crown of life.-Revelation 2:10

Ok la, ok la, just post~

I'm not a photogenic person. [Haiz, just admit it.]

Hopefully this is not the reason my readers running away.

Plus, no people asking me out. [Haiz, again.]

So, where can I get the latest picture of myself? [I don't have Nikon & webcam sucks.]

But there's a picture I like very much among the lousy pictures I took in my life. [exclude my cutie pictures when I was a baby.]





Feels like One Malaysia, right? [Still, I'm not photogenic, haiz.]

Never mind la, never mind la. [next time I get a scanner lo and scan my cute-cute baby pictures. cuz I looked very old now. haiz]

Ahh, not forget to mention, if I got nothing to write, I'll just put some interesting picture lo plus info with cool2 gadget, okie?

Make sure u read my bloggie...cuz I lurve it.

And one thing good about facebook,

if your parents are checking out your facebook profile, you can post your dream list there and some thoughtful thoughts to assure them your maturity. [don't forget to hide your private pictures from them by settings]

ahh, and remember to upload very lousy quality pictures there. [they may consider to get you a Nikon so that their child can be photogenic...haiz...sakit hati]

and one thing I discover myself lerrr....

if you look at your keyboard, see the fourth row.

whenever you're typing, press it start from 'a' for one time and then the 's' next to it for twice and continue other for increasing times, I don't why, it feels like a very rude word...[try it yourself]

One bad thing about Twitter,

since u got facebook, normally u will retweet what u write on twitter to facebook lo...and i think it ain't fun~~~

i HEART babyG watch now~~[but my parents don't read my blog, haiz~~]

One more thing, there is 18++ video on facebook lerr...and no one report it~~how come ler?

Status: Gonna be away

Am aware of the news lately, some of them pissed me off especially the international one. In case you can read my mind, you know what I mean. I always don't wish to involve in all of these, an unfair world. This is why, I hardly mention politics here yet I'm not good at it too. But I do keep myself in touch lately since newspaper and TV are available. And I have to admit, living in a small world called Facebook certainly won't help because mostly the things spread inside were fake and somehow disgusting.

Still very happy with the news getting USM and going there soon in less than a month. At the same time, I'm hoping those who didn't get would get through it. UPU is still waiting for you all and APEX couldn't just deny the UPU's quality, I assure you. Some of my friends even give up USM because of the location.

People started talking about JPA on Facebook which is common and remind me to stay in touch with its updates too. Went to the website and couldn't find the online application form. Friends were talking about it too and all they could do is emailing and calling the related site. But their answers were no reply, normal. So, I did the same, sent an email and wait, praying too just in front of my Acer Aspire 5052 that I would get reply soon.

And the next day, my inbox came with another mail that ends with jpa.gov.my. What I wrote wasn't attracting and long, just asking questions like any other. And I got the information I want: The application form will be coming out at fourth week of June. Prayer answered.

Is it magic? Magic is a beautiful word in English but not the truth. And this is making me to realize God is loving me so much and I am not afraid to tell people how special am I, how different my life is after I know Christ and believe in Him.

A friend wrote on facebook, 'I'm freakin bored. =('

I was totally agreed. But I also thought, what's the point I was agreeing with her. I was willing to invest my time and energy to read post after post on facebook when not everything were actually news and some of them were actually craps. I shouldn't have.

Rather, I should make use of this free session to know God better, to read the Bible so that my faith would get stronger and not easily to be lead astray when I am technically alone in Kelantan later.

Daa~~I'm deciding to take good rest and spend less time here since I promised.

Seek Him, always.

Friends

I initially planned to write something about the movie I watched yesterday, Prince of Persia.

But my friend's recent post seems to give me a better idea.

I want to talk about friends.

Staring blankly at this subject, I realized I had a bunch of friends but none of them are the Bff other people might be lucky to have.

And these so-called friends sometimes are so far away that I don't even have the mood to chat with them whenever they are there, Facebook or MSN because I know it's gonna be a waste of time, since I found no topic for our chatting. Everything seems so bland between us, all we can do are just exchanging academic info and perhaps put some smileys that you couldn't even feel the friendliness in it.

And Facebook even made me jealous, when pictures of friends going for trip popping out and you are unable and uninvited to be part of the happiness. They smiled to you as if telling you they are happy even without you. I couldn't think but to think why am I such a failure in friendship, in what people call, socializing. With a bit flatter or whatsoever, people can just easily have a clique but always, I won't be the one.

Is it because I seek for something further than that, the one who can share my sadness as well, the one who should be understanding me and tolerating with my unjust temper, emo and even my ridiculous jokes?

On top of that, I found a better reason from my friend's post.

Is it true that there are people who do not appreciate others? Can be it true that all efforts at being a friend will eventually go to waste? Could there be such a being? If yes, have I met one now?

(Sorry for not getting your permission to take your words)

What he wrote reminded me I was once being one with very heavy individualism. Maybe there are problems I couldn't explain here but that shouldn't be reasons. To be honest with myself and everyone else, I admitted tough I was a nice person when I first met people but as my friends hope to work out the friendship we had built, I found myself often irrationally and deliberately alienated from people. This is why at the end, I found no friend in my life and for one whole year in matriculation college, I couldn't help but to surrender I have no any close friend there.

Some might thought I was just being bookworm, my results was far more important than anything else including friends. Nope but to say I was quite friendly to everyone and at any time, be ready to spare my help. But I just wasn't good at comforting people who seek for my advice whenever they were troubled by stress. I was just not the one who could easily give a pat on people shoulders and tell them to stand up. Worst, I found myself was the one who couldn't share other people sadness. And I press people too hard by forcing them to think like me that we can beat anything when God is there for us and some just couldn't simply accept that.

End up, I am just another cold-blooded person, running away from any possible responsibilities to consult people and at the same time, rejecting their kindness by obvious avoiding.

So, who should be blamed when I couldn't find any friend out there? Well, clearly everything is my own fault.

I know I can't just simply fix everything even by apologizing. I know my bizarre estranging had hurt some of you.

Sincerely, all I could is do just by saying sorry here.

Hopefully, after you read this, your negative thinking about me could be demolished.

And yes, what my friend posted on Facebook is correct, 'Technically, most people aren't people.'

Hopefully, soon I could give a better impression to people, a more serious one which could prevent me from hurting people. And I just want to tell I couldn't bear to lose any friend and I'm not unmindful of your concern.

Fortunately, before 19, I managed to start learning and considering things important in my life and to cherish people around me that think me as their friend.

It's time for me to be sensitive, solicitous and mature.

Fiction

When I was in Form 4, I enjoyed the subject History very much as most of the chapters talked about man's philosophy, mainly the Greek one plus with the subtitle Renaissance I liked very much.

Well, not much time later, philosophy is no more an attraction to me, a subject which bearing meaningful but ironic thinking was taken place by the Bible, in my heart.

Socrates did right about something, there shouldn't be idol but he ended up being killed for that.

I watched a movie ‘Future X-Cops' by Andy Lau.

Inside the movie, there's a professor who invented the use of solar energy which also made him to become the target of many killers who hired by the corporate companies who having bankruptcy because of his invention.

They even used the time traveler and attempted to kill the professor when he was young. Andy Lau is a future cops who tried hard to protect this so-called 'man's future'.

I think the Jews can do that too. I think actually the technologies of the world had reached some extent that we couldn't imagine, just no one disclose it. People are holding back the inventions just because they need to wait as the companies make enough money from us. This is why America and UK are protecting them as I'm sure there's something valuable about them. I believe, they should be the most brilliant human in the world.

Japan do have some invention but mostly on robotic.

These are my mere thoughts, speculations and 'imaginations'. It's nothing to do with anyone. I'm not sure what the future will be, just awaiting the Olympics in UK two years later.

A long story to tell, specially to Christians.

I felt that I had duty to post this as a warning to all other Christians and I am not judging any people here. This is merely my experience.

I'm a Christian and I was baptized for two years. My family and I currently attend Gospel Hall every Sunday. I was not to claim myself as a very spiritual person but I can say that I do love God very much. I read Bible based on my mood whenever I feel there's a need. But apart from that, I still keep my connection with God as I pray for every event I considered important in my life and I try my best not to miss church. Sometimes I still have bad-tempered but I can see myself no more lying, in fact after believing in Christ, I didn't lie anymore.

A year ago, I got an offer from Pahang Matriculation College and I simply accepted it. When I reached this place called Gambang, it seemed like a very deserted place, I was afraid that there was no church there and I might not be able to join Sunday worship for one whole year.

I was a second intake and after registration, my parents and I came across a student who went with this very first question, 'Are you Christian?' Well, honestly, we were shocked. Then, she told us that there were this husband and wife who both were teaching here and they are Christians, they are fetching students to church every Sunday. Immediately, she gave me the teachers' contact number. We were very happy indeed and prayed to thank God. In fact, I could feel that God is always be there for us. Well, my parents' worries were gone and I happily texted
one of the teacher, Mrs B (Let's call them Mr.A and Mrs.B as I couldn't judge them publicly) , telling her that I am a Christian and I would like to follow them to church on Sunday.

This Sunday was my first time to church there. I met a girl who approached me and claimed herself sent by Mrs B. We were waiting at the guard house as usual and I realized quite a number of students following in 3 cars, one drove by Mr.A, one by Mrs.B and another one by a brother from their church. My first time was with the girl and another guy who sat in front. They were both students in my college. Mr.A talked to me and asked about myself a little bit and when I asked what is the church we are going. He didn't answer me. So, the girl who sat with me whispered to me that we are not exactly going to a church, it is just a brother's house and the worship conducted is not the same as the church we usually went. I see.

But then I asked again what is the church we are going and I myself also couldn't understand why I kept asking so. It was my habit when I talked to new people, I liked to ask a lot so as to ease the air. I even asked Mr.A if there are other churches here. But Mr.A didn't answer and seemed not happy with that. But I was not aware, all I know is that I was distracted by the view outside, I never been to this place before. Then Mr.A told me it's Kuantan Church and there's no other church here. (I repeat, he told me there's no other church here) Kuantan Church, no name? Yes, no name. He told me.

When I got there, the worship was totally different. Someone was holding the guitar and we sang hymns. I enjoyed this part very much. But then everyone was given a piece of paper, writing something about God, everyone took turn to read and as one was reading, others should say Amen after one sentence. I felt extremely weird and at the same time funny, I followed the style but I also felt I wanted to laugh. So, the whole process I was holding my laugh and saying Amen. The rest Sundays, I would follow Mr.A and Mrs.B to their church. Sometimes they would bring us to shop for some groceries and we also got free lunch after service. Frankly, these were the reason non-Christians were so attracted to come to the church too and sadly also to some of the Christians. As time passed, we were no longer having worship in the brother's house but in a church that was just finished some renovation. Horrible things happen, sometimes Mrs.B would give us some pamphlet and asked us to read it. And during the service, we had to stand up one by one to share what we think! Not forget to mention, there was no pastor there. Because they think pastor is the last person they need and it is totally unnecessary. So, Mr.A is mainly the one who preach to us every Sunday. Well, honestly, at that time, I felt there's nothing wrong with the church and I understand each church has their own concept. They are just something different and I even described it to my Mom as unique especially the non-stopped Amen we had to said.

I even felt very accepted with the non-stop Amen they had to said after every sentence. Because sometimes I would feel groggy and half-conscious and often I would repeat Amen and secretly took some rest with my eyes.

Then, two of my friends went and seek for Methodist Church on their own and they found one in Kuantan. I had a friend from my hometown who studied in UMP there and she informed me that she went to Methodist church. But I also remembered Mr.A told me there is no other church in Kuantan. So, my friends went first to Methodist Church and then I followed them. The problem is Methodist Church couldn't provide transport. But we were willing to take bus rather than sitting Mr.A's car. Sometimes Mr.A would still message me to go to their church, but thinking back how boring it could be there and all my friends were not going, my choice would still be Methodist Church. And in addition, the first time I went to Methodist Church, I cried after I sang the praise songs and it was a very comfortable cry as I would feel very energetic each time I was back to college. And then, almost every time no matter I was in the Chinese or English Methodist Church, my spirit would be touched during singing praise songs and must not miss the cry. But at Mr.A's church, all I had was sleepy mind and sometimes I forced myself very hard to hear what he said as I felt I must not come to House of Lord with such attitude.

For second semester, I went to Methodist Church every Sunday with friends. My Mom told me to go Mr.A's church once in a while and I couldn't as it was boring. Mr.A and Mrs.B were being cold and ignorant to some of my Christian friends who were not going to church. Honestly, their very first first impression to me were not very friendly, just I merely think myself and accepted the fact that Christians are not perfect, each of us will have our own weakness and of course it's normal that some will mind the act that we reject their church. To add some more, they are not as kind as the Christians I used to meet back then, I was just baptized two years and the moments I joined church, I can see Christians are amazingly kind and friendly which part of the reason to make me believe that God's love creates these people. However, whenever I seek help from Mr.A and Mrs.B, they will told me that they are not at college and ask me to figure it out myself and after that only they text me and ask if I'm okay. I'm not blaming them for not being helpful but sometimes the way they refused to help me were quite rude and I couldn't lie but to tell, at the end God sent some non-Christians to help me every time I was in trouble. This makes me think of James 2:16 If one of you says to him, "Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed," but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it?

At the same time, Mr.A and Mrs.B always invited me over to their house, the teachers' hostel for dinner. And then, they grabbed this chance to ask me to join a training. They said the training is very good and it's for university graduate and college graduate like me. The way they persuade makes me to think I should join some training to make myself be close to God. The name training makes me to think it's something about upgrading my disciplinary through God. Plus, it's in K.L, I was just planning, if there's a chance, I could meet some friends and shopping there. I just told them I might have interest. But I never thought at the night when math paper ended, they would come to the front of my hostel, asked me to meet them, again persuaded me to join the training, said that they would subsidize me and handed me some books required for the training as if I had agreed to join at the very first.

Matriculation ended.

I felt very lazy to join the training. But I couldn't refuse as if I did so, I would have to find a way to mail back the books Mr.A lend. If I joined the training, I could simply give back the books to people over there who would pass it to Mr.A. Same time, I was also wondering, why wouldn't he just give me the very small hymns as gift as I have asked him to buy one for me before? Why is he so stingy? Now, I know the reason. (It's because their hymns are not the same as ours, you can't buy it outside)

Straight to the point.

I happily came to K.L. Went by L.R.T and just fetched by one of the sister to their place. I checked in and got to sign a paper which claimed that I would join the training till very end of the date we agreed and couldn't leave by no reason and must not object anything the trainer said and trainees were here to be trained. I found these reasonable for it's a training and I thought normally every training would list out such rules. One thing I felt sad about is that I couldn't go out but to stay at the house for the whole two weeks and totally lived a life inside. The fees was around RM400 plus to buy their books!! Mr.A only subsidized me RM120. This is crazy. But at the end I thought since these books are about God, there's no point I grumbled about buying them.

At first, I met C. She was like me, not from a Christian family but converted. But one thing I was not like her, she is very arrogant and acted as if she knows everything. She asked if I know witness lee and I told her I don't know this man. And she said how good this man is until she nearly forgot to mention about God. Whatever, the whole time she talked, I could feel that she's glorying the w.l weirdo man but not God. Every time, before I introduced myself to new people, she would help to introducing by saying that I just saved. I was baptized for two years but she said I was just saved all because I just knew them. And the two years after I was baptized were uncounted? (There's certainly problem now) This girl likes to sleep whenever the trainers are talking and she often look at her watch to see if it is meal time already and she often sneak to the back to find if there's anything to eat. OMG!! But she still acted if she is a very spiritual person as she had attended many trainings before.

Machinery Training: How they brainwash you.

At the very first day, I already cannot accept what they said. They said we are not saved yet even tough we are baptized. We must exercise our spirits. If not we will go to hell, the happy part of hell. What the heck? Didn't you read John 3:16 For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, so that everyone who believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life? They claimed the eternal life is in hell, not with God, if we didn't exercise our spirits. I was just thinking, who are you to twist God's words, since when God says such thing? Then, they pointed out some examples Lord Jesus Christ said in the four gospels like the Ten Virgin story. Well, I was not aware that they twisted God's meaning and reluctantly accepted it and at the same time, I'm still doubted and worried.

Let me tell you here first what they want before I pointed out their brainwashing tactics.

They want us to believe that all the other churches are wrong. Only their church is right. And most horribly, Christians from other churches will go to hell, only them will go to heaven. Most importantly, by doing what they are doing (read their books and pray using words in their books every morning, read Bible of their version and pray and read their explanation of the Bible and pray using this explanation, call upon Lord's name, spread the gospel and maybe letting go your job just to join their two years training and serve the Lord as they claim), only that you can be transformed by God into God's image and finally you yourself become God.

Now, I feel the whole thing is ridiculously trash. But when I was forced by them to do these things day in and out during the training, I was totally brainwashed and I was not aware that these are wrong at all. Same to them!!!

They want us to reject other churches too and only them are the Body of Christ/Iglesia/召会. The very first reason why other churches wrong is because they got a name for their church. See, ridiculous and I only find out after I woke up from this. They used a very stupid example which stupid people like me and other stupid university graduates would believe. For example, Roger stands here right beside you, you point at Roger head and say, this is Roger's head and then you point at the body, says whose body is this? Of course this is Roger's head, so it's Roger's body. So, if Christ is the head, then church is Christ body, not Gospel Hall's body, not Baptist's body, not Methodist's body. So, other churches were wrong, only their church, the Body of Christ is right. This is the most stupid examples I had ever heard, but when you are being brainwashed, you wouldn't know. Now, I really want to scold, idiots!!! You are using the matter of name to show that you are the right church, I tell you what, the truth isn't necessary to use this kinds of maneuver to prove and most importantly, Satan are those who like strategies very much.

To show that they are special, they don't accept pastors. Come on, Pastors are the one who serve the Lord, who are you to preach? Even me can preach there. Wey, even children like us can preach. And it's compulsory that everyone stand up and preach so that everyone are in one Body of Christ. Wow, sounds so amazing and nice, then answer me, can the girl named C I describe just now preach? Can we who haven't reach certain spiritual level preach? If everyone can just stand up and preach, how confused will be this church? I know, you will use reason that in case we exercise our spirits, we all can preach. Well, if I exercise my spirit, can I even publish a Bible of my version? Paul can write something, I can write something too, we are in one, right?

They don't celebrate Christmas. As they claim there is proof that Lord Jesus Christ was not born in winter. Come on, everybody know that, ok?! In case my father lose his birth cert and he doesn't know his birthday, how come I can't pick a day and celebrate with him? We celebrated Christmas just to remember Christ, not to exactly having a birthday party. And they declared that Christmas is a day which Romans worship idol. I knew the do all these accusation just to show that they are the right one and we are wrong. Even if Romans worship idol on that day, I don't care what so ever, as long as we Christians know Christmas is for Christ, is there any problem? What makes you think that they don't celebrate Christmas? Well, this is what come to my mind? There is one thing in this world who really pissed off when Christ was born. Think yourself.

Tactic 1: Send someone who feel have the same situation like you.

Now, when I am awake, I realized a senior who is also from KMPh came to join this training just to do some influence. First day, she already very kind to me, she just graduated from UM, medical doctor and she asked me where I'm planning to go and so so. Then slowly, when she made testimony publicly, she said she went to normal church like us during Uni and found many many funny things, the events the church held like concert, acting were very funny to her. And she found that this church is what she wants, a church which only sings hymns and serve the Lord. (Did you just notice, can you judge all the other churches just because the church you attend is having concert?) Then, she said she's from a Christian family and she accidentally found a book in her father rack called Song of Songs. (The Song of Songs is their favourite subject, King Solomon described God and his bride described us which will soon to be conformed into God's image. You do found this verses in Romans, but one thing to remember, that doesn't mean only people from their church will be conformed to God image, not necessary by their ways) Then she said she found this Song of Songs is very romantic and by coming to this church only she realized the beautiful romance between God and human. (Did you notice? Song of Songs can merely be found in every Bible. But she only find a book about it in her father's rack. Only their church love to publish book on their own. Which mean at very first, she is from this church!!!) She acted as if she is fallen into a very deep valley and only see light after coming to this church which wants to make you just to feel the same.

Tactic 2: Call upon Lord's name and live in spirit

It's tired for me to tell things about them especially their things were wrong and weird to mention. They said there are three life in us, God life, man life and satan life. If we have any reject of the things they said, we are actually living in ourselves, which is satan life. Then the trainer says there's no point for us to have meeting as this would be satan meeting. (See, even if Holy Spirit might be telling you they are fake and want you to reject, as what they claim, you will think you are just living a satan life and quickly pray) And one more thing, before any lesson and after every lesson, they will ask trainees to call upon Lord's name and must call loudly and many many times. (Just a tactic to make you tired and exhausted where you found no connection with God after calling in their place. And thus when you are tired, you simply accept what they said)

Tactic 3: memorising and experience notebook

One thing you need to do is to memorize the words on the book they published, the lyrics of the hymns they made. This is what I hate. If we love God and really enjoy one verse, we will remember it. But they memorize with purpose to debate with people about God where they will memorize which part the verse came from too. And we, trainees memorize with purpose to force ourselves indirectly accept everything they said because you must accept something before you memorize something. And you are required to jot down your experience during the training inside a notebook (at least 3 & must pass up before 10pm) which even you don't enjoy the training, you must pretend that you love the training very much and got some enjoyable and memorable experiences to jot down. Some may force themselves to enjoy just to create some fake sense of joy to be jot down in the notebook later.

Tactic 4: share experience

Stand up and tell how you enjoy Lord. But most of the trainees would share how they enjoy the training and how they seek truth here so that you are also forced to do the same thing even if they are not the truth.

Tactic 5: visit other Christians which is also from their church

They called themselves saints which makes me want to throw up. Paying a visit just like going to hear the introduction of how spiritually filled and religious these people are so that you hope to be like them one day.

Tactic 6: Spread Gospel

They love to purposely choose a specific site like a condominium or somewhere and purposely go and knock door one by one just to spread gospel. Worst, I must memory things on their booklet just to spread gospel? Remember there's a story where Lord Jesus Christ talked to a Samaritan woman and asked her to give Him some water? Lord Jesus Christ didn't purposely went and sat there just to wait for some woman and let her to know Him. In fact, it's just mere coincidence. So, spreading gospel shouldn't be purposely go to some place and then pray to God that we can find some accepting. We just tell these good news to people we encounter in life and we are not promoting sales everywhere like insurances and still wouldn't want to give up when people close their doors. Don't you like to say that we are predestined and even force us to memorize Romans chapter 8 verse 29? Well, then, why should you need to be like promoting products when spreading the gospel?

TACTIC 7: 2 YEARS TRAINING
I tried not to use rude words. They got this 2-years training for university graduates. You attend the whole 2 years just to be trained or precisely to be brainwashed without doing anything else. After the training which I think, would be very hard to save you from them. This brainwash is even heavier. Some give up their job and merely do work in the church. And during the training, they invite these China people over K.L to even brainwash us, claiming that they had joined 2 years training in Hong Kong and they are very religious people. Should I even give a damn? God wants us to work six days and sweat. Did you ever sweat? Who didn't want to be like you, fly here and there, live in nice place, free food and then just talk about verses you memorize from the Bible and things from the book to people and worst, leave your family behind?? If you try to say that you work for God, please take a look a John 6:29, Jesus answered, "The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent. Well, precisely you got a job, which to brainwash those educated people to work for you and leave their parents who raise them. (Caution: a China woman even rudely answered me only university graduates can join the training as those who are not educated are not qualified to do God's work. What the heck? Remember that Jesus' disciples are fishermen, not any educated university graduates)

Tactic 8: smile
Smiling is their weapon together with full mouth of Bible verse. But they are just machine, if you asked them something else, they cannot talk anymore. They are like Pharisees, telling Lord Jesus to wash hand before eating. They are still coming for visit even tough we didn't welcome them. One sister said with agony tone, if you all didn't believe, God has no way!!! My Mom told her, how come God has no way, Jesus said I'm the light, the truth and the way!! Then they said, God needs us. My Mom told her, you are wrong, it's we need God. We can't do anything without God but God is still God without us. Then, they never mention Holy Spirit but always say the Spirit. Worst thing is when we asked what is THE spirit, they don't dare to say it's the Holy Spirit also.

Reason I left
I was totally brainwashed by them. I came home and persuaded my parents to go their church. All I said is, Methodist were wrong, Methodist were wrong, they are right. My mother remembered how I enjoyed going to Methodist church when I was in Kuantan. But I was 360 degrees change after the training.

I skipped some stories and straight to the night I was back from USM interview in Kelantan and stayed at their place in Penang and planned to go to Cameron Highland with them next morning.

I just finished arguing with my Mom over phone as she couldn't accept that church. At last, my Mom cried and asked me to pray myself to ask God if this is the right way. These final words over phone started to make me rethink if what I was following now is true and all I could do is praying.

When I was taking a shower, suddenly a voice very urgent calling inside my heart. Leave now! Pack your clothes and leave! Don't go to K.L, don't go to Cameron Highlands, pack your clothes and leave now!! Don't ever try to get on the bed, don't!! Leave, leave!! This is an evil group!!! (Then, everything they had done and days I been with them flashed in my mind like slide show which warned me that they are wrong) I was very scared to have this voice calling, urgently, non-stoppedly. And when I looked at everyone faces, I felt like I see ghosts. I wanted to phone my Mom secretly but I was too scared. I tried to calm myself and went to sit outside. One of them greeted me and I immediately asked are you studying here. She said she's graduated. 'What are you doing now?' 'Working for church.' 'How many years you had graduated?' 'Four.' 'Are your family Christians?' 'No.'

(What do you expect her family to think of Christians? They stole my child away during University and my child is not getting a job and working for them, the child I raise so big leave us just like that......)

I felt very tired, sleepy. Even if the voice is calling urgently, I planned to sleep first and at night tell them I want to go home. Guess what happen? I climbed the double-decker bed and *pom*, I was dragged by force and blood split from my head. My head was hit by a fan with two wounds and 17 stitches.

Fear not. God prepared a table before me in the presence of my enemies.

They can't take my life.

And guess what they tell of the voice inside me, they said it's satan.

Well, to profane the Holy Spirit is another sin.

I'm not judging anybody here but this is my testimony, a very beautiful one.