"Hello, this is the Emergency Room..."

I got the call that I feared.....I was home alone this last Wednesday, sitting down to eat my sandwich and enjoy my iced tea when my cell rang. It was THE CALL. The one I feared and wrote about just one post ago on Recovering Church Lady. In that post I talked about my fear that Hubs was in a motorcycle accident on his way home from work thirty miles away. But this call was about Rocker Son.

"Your son has been in a motorcycle accident and he is breathing on his own....."

I think, and I told her this later; that she should have said that he was coherent first. Breathing can be done while in a coma or whatever.  

I paced as the ER nurse had to repeat again and again where she was calling from and why my son who would turn 25 in two days was there. 

I hung up after scribbling info on a tablet and yelled a bad word for only the second time in my life. And then in the same breath I asked God where He was. My mind was swirling and I made a mess of Hub's work papers as I tried to find the phone number of his new job. I was put on hold as they found him and let him leave to get me and head to the hospital 20 minutes away to see how our son was.

We talked to God about our son as we found the hospital by my scribbled directions. I had sent out a couple of quick emails to friends and family before leaving the house. They made us wait while trying to find his name in the records at the ER desk. They had a "Doe" that just came in, yes that's him, have no idea why they did not know his name. Followed the guy to our boy.

He was laughing with a police officer and when he saw me the only look he had was "Don't cry Mom, I'm ok." The nurse had told me on the phone that this biggest concern was how I would react and how his girlfriend would freak out and try to come to him on her scooter. 

He was not ok, he was broken. But not irreparably. He broke the biggest bone in the body, the femur (thigh bone). Totally snapped in two. A pinkie is broken, a wrist is sprained and a suspicious spot on his brain has been shown to be only a cluster of veins that have been there all along. No other scratches or road rash at all! It really is amazing!

He flew over the hood of a car that was making an illegal left turn in front of him. He broke their windshield and landed on the ground beside the road with a twisted up leg yelling for help. Someone saw and police and ambulance arrived in minutes. 

That was 4 days ago. Yesterday the doctors inserted a steel rod in my boy's right thigh bone and it will always be there. He walked on it a bit today and will be out of the hospital early next week. 

My mind and heart are swirling with two differing conclusions.......

• My son was in an awful motorcycle accident and is now forever carrying a steel rod in his leg. 
• My son was in a motorcycle accident and we are all ok. It wasn't that bad!

The thing that I feared happened and we have been laughing, crying and enjoying each other for the last few days in a boring hospital room. Where do I land?

I land on the fact that stuff happens. The idea that everything good that happens is God and everything bad that happens is satan just does not work for me. Stuff just happens and we figure out how to deal with  it. 

God was there. I believe that my son was protected from what could have been much worse. He wore his new leather motorcycle jacket for the first time because even though it was a hot day it was too bulky to fit in his backpack. He wore no gloves but did not scrape his hands or dent his helmet. The police saw a "denim burn" on the road but he has no scrapes on his legs other than some small scratches on his ankle.

We have much more to be thankful for than to be angry about. I am learning so much from Rocker Son. He is charming the hospital staff and creating a party where ever he goes! They love him and have told us they don't want him to leave the ICU but were happy that he did just that tonight and is being moved to a regular room. His friends are streaming in and turning a quiet hospital into a celebration of not dying this time. 

Rocker Son has a gift for living in the moment and seeing the good in it. In his own words on his Facebook page last night: 

"Surprisingly this is turning out to be a great birthday, even though it's being spent in the hospital. 

My amazing girl is with me

I get free meals

Room service

Bluray player

Sponge bath

And FREE DRUGS at the click of a button!"

The awful thing we fear can happen and we will still live through it. As we drove to the emergency room wondering why this happened I contemplated how I could live in such a scary world. Why couldn't I just find a safe place and hide forever. That sounded so good, but so, so impossible. 

But then I spent three days around my son and his friends and I am inspired by them. Stuff happens and they find the joy in it and move on. And God is there in his hospital room whether they know it or not. :)

Time For Work

I've got about five more minutes on my blogging timer for this morning! I have been getting more INTENTIONAL with my writing and the way I use my time. Since I am out of work and we've had some pretty major family issues lately, I have fallen into the bad habit of staying up late, sleeping in and vegging out all day online without producing much of anything. Not good! (C'mon spell-check, "vegging" is a word now right?) 

So I have had to get tough with meself and set a timer for morning blogging, then exercise, then shower, then serious writing and market research. The serious writing may sometimes include blogging, but not every day.

I have kept that schedule for a whole 3 days counting today!! Ta-daa! Ha!

I miss you all and feel like I have been letting this blog slip into last place. I love this place a lot though. It is my no rules, say anything place that I still need very much! I want to thank you all for sticking with me through all of the death themed posts of recent weeks. I am sure there are more to come and I know you understand.

Thank you for all the kind and encouraging comments! 

Living Wholeheartedly

I keep trying to write about other things but my mind and heart are so full of my mother that I guess I will just go with the flow and see where it takes me. We did not talk on the phone every day or even every week, but we did talk daily in my head. Mothers are more powerful than they feel or know. I feel her "votes" on everything I do. Sometimes I agree with her and sometimes I do not, both are valuable lessons. 

Here are the words I shared at my mother's memorial on May 28, 2011...

...My mother had a great gift for going overboard. It used to embarrass me as a kid and teenager. But in later years I came to realize that the better word for her was “whole-hearted”. She did nothing just halfway or half-hearted.

When my mother became interested in painting ceramics, she took ceramic classes, began buying the molds and then for several years taught her own ceramics classes and 'fired' her student’s creations in her own kiln in our garage! She also loved to oil paint and so for as long as I can remember there were numerous oils of great old barns around our home.

She loved card games, we often found ourselves sitting in a circle late into the night for hours and hours when visiting. There is an entire drawer in the dining room full of playing cards! I have played Shanghai for many hours while longing for my bed!

My mom loved to garden. Did she just do some pretty yard planting and leave it at that? No way! She went to classes and became a Certified Master Gardener and displayed a garden scenes at the fair, she also created and sold some beautiful planters called Hypertufas, for several years. Her yards are a lush and inspiring place to walk or sit and enjoy the scenery. My mom's yards have "rooms" divided by greenery that have distinct themes and colors and moods. 

When Mom became interested in photography, she again attended classes and my first-born is embarrassingly THE most photographed kid in the world! This was 28 years ago, before the digital age and everyone's phones included a camera. She would show me pictures of him in outfits I had never seen because she had her own little fashion shows when she babysat him! 

But her best time for going overboard was the holidays. The boxes and boxes of decorations were brought in from the garage and "Decoration/Craft Room" and the house was thoroughly transformed top to bottom. Curt still talks about his first Christmas in our family. Walking into my parent's home had him wide-eyed and a little dis-oriented! No room was left without holiday cheer and adornment. I remember him coming to me and quietly saying, "Umm, there is a Christmas Tree in the bathroom!” My response was, "Yah, so?” 

But my mom did not confine her decorating to the house and yard. Every job she held in my growing up years was another opportunity to "brighten the place up". At the hospital jobs, the dry cleaning and office job, and our home church; her holiday decorations changed the atmosphere for the better. And I would not be surprised to hear that she has been decorating for her church functions and women's clubs here.

Mom’s gift of doing everything with her whole heart will be missed.... 

Another thought that I will add here but was not appropriate at the service is that my mom made me crazy and she also kept me sane. That gives me great hope for my own children's sanity!


PS If you're not tired of hearing me blather on go here and vote me to the Top Posts! Thanx.

Good-bye Marylou

She made me crazy

and

she kept me sane.

I love you Mom!

1934 - 2011

Heaven

Heaven is singing this

to my mom,

Marylou, today.

Collecting Memories

For the past several years now, whenever we make our once yearly trek to my mom and dad's home, they always encourage us to put our names on items that we would want after they are gone. I know, kind of creepy huh? My sibs and I have verbally said "No way Mom!". But then we each do it quietly.





The reason I know we are all doing it is because when I have lifted a painting to mark it with my name,  I have found my brother or sister's name there already.

This year was different. As you know my mom has been in a life and death struggle this last month. So as I spent my nights in my parent's home without my mother's presence, it brought the facts home to me brutally. My emotions went many different directions at once.

• How are we going to survive as a family without Mom?
• I hate how cold and empty her house feels while she is in the hospital. Is this how it will be when she is gone?
• What in the world are we going to do with all this stuff?
• I should choose some things that represent my mom.
• But she collects SO MANY things, where to begin?

My mother has always loved garage sales and flea markets for as long as I can remember. Of course this leads to becoming a collector. And that she did! In a big way!

My parents home is small. But it is packed with enough stuff to fill a grand home. She is an artist so it is also filled with her creations, which I love. I have my name on the backs of some of those paintings. I especially like the flower one which is a new, big deviation from her normal barn motif. My mother is also a lover of old books just like me. Or I am just like her I should say, since she got me started in the adoration of old, musty smelling books from generations ago. 

I am hoping and praying that her collecting is not over just yet. No, I do not want more things from her nor do I think she needs more pretties in her home. But I want her alive for some more years and if that includes adding to the things I will have to sort through some day, that is fine with me!

OMG!

I just wrote a whole post explaining the week I spent at my mother's bedside in the ICU at a hospital out of state. But it is too personal and exposing to put it out here at this time. So I will give you a somewhat vague idea and that will let you in on my fun times recently.....The word harrowing sounded like a good fit but I had to look it up to be sure. and yes, the synonyms work perfectly....agonizing, tormenting, painful and heartbreaking.

Here is the bare overview...
She signed a DNR. We finally came around to her thinking and agreed. Then Mom changed her mind at the last minute, literally! OMG, what a week my family has had! She is now fighting the damage done to her lungs and may even recover. I am still spinning with questions and wonderings!
Thanks for caring,

Home

Rocker Son, Grandma and Writer Son a few years ago.

Hub's mother left this earth for the home she longed for late last night. 

Our biggest emotion today is gratefulness.

We are so thankful that she died as she wanted to, with grace and quietness.

That is pretty much how she lived her life

and  it was her only desire when we chatted with her a few weeks ago.

If there is such a thing as a "good death", she had it.

She was uncomfortable but not in pain

and did not need drugs these last few weeks

as she faced the end of her life.

We can also rest in the knowledge that she is with Grandpa,

her one true love.

Thank you Father God.

Wedding photo of Hubs parents.

Silver and Gold Have I None.....

A few weeks ago while we were sifting through my mother-in-law's belongings, trying to divide the contents up between the family and figuring out what needed to go to the goodwill store, Hubs put this item in our box.

It was covered with dust and had a few paperclips in it. I wondered why on earth he wanted to bring that home with us. We were 600 miles from home and had to fit our choices into a small car with four adults in it. But I did not ask at the time, I figured he had his reasons. 

At home I washed it and put it on the kitchen counter for a few days, then last night I put it out with black olives in it. It is not very big, about the size of a cereal bowl and it's all one piece of stainless steel.

Hubs pointed to it later in the evening and said that he had given it to his parents for their 25th wedding anniversary. He smiled and said that he was in Junior High at the time. It was a gravy boat with a ladle. He remembers being so excited to watch them open his gift, he was so proud of himself. He thought it was made of silver for their Silver Anniversary!

I love that story and I'm so glad he saw it and brought it home with us.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Today Hubs saw me at my laptop and said, "Wow, you really look like a writer today! All you need is this pencil behind your ear, where's the camera?"

Thanks for the compliment Honey!

Oops! I forgot to tell you that i have put up a new post on GoodBlogs called, "I Am My Own Michael Scott". It could use some more votes to move it to Top Posts and add a little gold to my pocket. Thank you!

Laughter and Tears

I carefully leaned across my mother-in-law's sick bed to hug her. I told her that all my friends are jealous of the great and loving MIL I have. She slowly breathes out these words, "Easy,.... six hundred miles away."


If I ever wondered where Hubs got his sarcastic and cynical humor, the answer is right in front of me! My deathbed MIL is spunky and alert. Her main concern is going gracefully. That and making sure that every single little trinket she has in her tiny apartment goes to the right family member. She keeps making us write down who gets what. We got to the point of just writing it down and nodding yes, even if we had no intention of bringing all those teacups back to California with us!

When Hubs teased her about Rocker Son having a tattoo artist girlfriend she shook her head with dismay. So Hubs reminded her that he was married to a lady with a tattoo and her response was, "Of course, look at your ear ring and long hair!"


Today we have said our good-byes and are now back home, 600 miles away. I can hear the gentle tick-tock of the 1921 Regulator pendulum clock she insisted we have. We feel honored to have it and it's lovely chimes in our home. Now our hearts are fragile and alert as we listen for the phone call that will tell us that Mom is really home.

Joy is Stronger Than Crap!

It is 9pm on a Sunday night & it is 105 degrees out there in the world beyond my wonderful air conditioned home! The sun of sunny California can actually be too much of a good thing sometimes! The last 4 years our AC was broken so I lived in front of a small fan on days like these so...yah, I am extremely thankful for our brand new AC in the house!

Something else I am thankful for this week is the very powerful force called "joy". Our church family is walking through one of the worst experiences I have ever been forced to endure. Hubs & I have been close friends with & worked with our Senior Leader & his wife for nearly 25 years. A week ago Saturday their 31 year old daughter who also attends our church died suddenly of a blood clot. No warning, no reason, no explanation. The pain is overwhelming & frightening.

My faith was tested this week. My deep belief that God is good was questioned & examined. I don't think that I have faced anything in my life that truly had to "try out" the strength of my faith in God like this tragedy has. The trite platitudes that people speak in these times are all wrong & do not represent the God that I have come to know. You know the sayings, like, "God must have needed another angel, so he took her to heaven." or "He just loved her so much he called her home."..... UM....no, I & the rest of my church community do not accept such silly & unhelpful words.

It is a mystery why this happened. We do not have the answer. I don't know why some people get healed right before my eyes & others do not. I don't understand why the majority of children in the world are living in extreme poverty while we bask in a Toys R Us land! There are so many unanswered questions, that a person could easily become a true Eeyore if they watch too much news on TV.

The first 3 days after getting the phone call about our friend's shocking death, I circled my house in a daze of questions & fear. I could not go to my God for comfort because I was too angry at Him for letting this happen! It left me feeling like my feet were on slippery ground with absolutely nothing to grab onto. If I could not trust Him to protect my kids & my friends then what in the world was I to trust? My rock-solid foundation was crumbling & it was mind-numbingly frightening.

But I also knew that He can take my questions. I have learned in just the last few years that God is big enough to welcome my anger & my doubts, He wants me to question the things I hear in the pulpit on Sundays. The bible is full of stories of people in hard situations & when they asked God their accusing questions, He answered the questions they should have asked. So I stopped with the wrong questions & asked a right question. Where are you God?

He said, " I am right here, ready to hold you, just like I am holding her parents."

This morning her parents talked about resting in the goodness of God even in this nightmare of crap that is happening to them. (Their words.) They have chosen to not live in sadness or madness. Joy is not the same thing as pleasure. Joy is a deep, living thing that can be underneath the sadness. Joy is not giddy or silly, it is strong & intentional. The grief is not being pushed down or even held back. It comes & overwhelms them without warning. Our church community is on the same page & we watched a video of her growing up years & thanked God for the crazy, daring & full life that she led.

Personally, I faced all my old fears again during those first three days last week. I cracked open the door to them & almost allowed them to make me go back to hiding in my house & never trying anything new ever again. That is how I lived for 40 years; always choosing the safest option, the least stretching job & relationships. But my young friend certainly did not live her 31 years like that & for me to do that now would be like asking a butterfly to crawl back into her crusty old cocoon again! Not gonna happen! I am choosing joy...even when it does not make sense.