A Writer's Guide to Being Pitch Perfect

It's July and that means pitches. Lots and lots of pitches.

This month I'll be attending both Thrillerfest and RWA and I'll be taking appointed pitches at both as well as, I hope and assume, I'll be meeting authors throughout the conference who might want to pitch their work. 

There are a ton of great places to find tips on pitching, including this blog, instead I'm just going to talk generally about pitch appointments. 

First things first, I think there is far too much emphasis placed on the pitch. I've been told by conference organizers that I have to take five hours (8 hours sometimes) of pitches because that's all the authors want. If that's really the case that's a shame, but I don't believe it's true. I think pitch appointments make it easy for conference organizers to fill time and not have to juggle workshop schedules for agents and editors.

Pitch appointments will not get you published. They are no different from a query letter except they are in person and will probably stress you out a whole lot more. In fact, most standard pitch appointments won't do you any good at all unless you take control of the pitch.

Of course every agent feels differently about how those 10 minutes (3 minutes sometimes) should be used, but since this is my blog I'm going to tell you how I think it should be used.

I think pitches are an opportunity for you to get to meet agents personally and see if they might be the right person for your book. I know I've told this story before, but one of my best pitch appointments was with author Shelley Coriell. Shelley sat down not to pitch her book, but to meet me. She told me this right away. She explained her goals for her career, talked briefly about her book and handed me a recipe for one of her favorite desserts (Blackberry Cobbler). She told me that since her book wasn't ready she would simply query me when the time came. In the 10 minutes we had Shelley made herself memorable. We chatted about a few things, her career, publishing in general and my philosophy as an agent (she did ask me questions as well as told me about herself). There was no point in Shelley pitching because she knew she could query me when the time was right.

All that being said, let's find a way to make pitches more enjoyable for both of us.

Relax. Don't think of me as the interviewer, think of yourself as the interviewer.

Have your pitch ready, but don't think of it as the only thing you're going to do. Also come prepared with some questions. Ask about me, the agency, publishing, or ask me my opinion on something that came up in an earlier panel or a discussion with other agents.

Listen. I will listen to your pitch and then I'm going to critique it. If I'm not asking for material I'm going to ask you questions that address my concerns. It could be that the hook feels slight or the plot feels overly complicated. Don't try to argue with me about why I'm wrong or how that's in there. If you need to take the full 10 minutes to explain your story there's a problem with your story. Even if I am asking for material I might ask some questions. Don't just defend your book, think of my questions as something you can use to hone your pitch and your query.

Enjoy. Conferences are a great way to feel energized about what you're doing. Pat yourself on the back for going to a pitch appointment in the first place. It's not easy and it's one more step toward publication.

--jhf

The Many Hats of Being an Author

Occasionally I'll reject a query with a little extra advice to the writer. Recently I was really vacillating

between requesting more material and rejecting. In the end I decided to reject. The query letter was just missing something and if the blurb was missing something often the book is too.

The writer responded to my rejection with a thank you, but also added: 

I wish my writing could speak for itself rather than trying to pitch it like a used car salesman, but I guess that's how it's done. 

Let me clarify. The writer was super kind and thankful. She saw my point and agreed that her query needed some work. She was not at all acting defensively or arguing. But I think this line says volumes about how discouraged she must be feeling and I would bet almost every writer who has ever queried has felt this way at some time or another.

But here's the thing about the query blurb. It is a different style of writing from fiction writing (something else the author said), but it's also something you all need to learn. Writing the query is a part of honing your craft.

In any job we all get to do the things we love, and need to learn how to be better at the things that might be a struggle for us. An agent doesn't just read submissions and send them to her buddies. She also needs to learn to write a compelling blurb, she needs to sharpen her negotiation skills, learn how to edit and revise, and occasionally hold a hand along the way. Not all of these are going to be an agent's favorite task, but she needs to learn to do each of them well.

The job of an author has a number of similar tasks. It's not just writing a great story, but also learning basic grammar, how to sell that story (to agents and readers alike), master social media (or hire someone who will do it for you), and how to sell yourself as the author.

So hate the query all you want, but spend some time learning how to perfect it.

--jhf

Halloween Reads & Taking the Horror out of Pitch Appointments

I have a confession to make. I don't think of myself as a scary book reader and, to the best of my knowledge, I've never (gulp) read Stephen King. I know, I know...

I have read Dean Koontz and loved Thomas Harris so its not like I've never ready a scary book. I just haven't read the King.

Recently I've been on a Chelsea Cain kick, as anyone who follows me on Twitter knows. And while she's not a horror writer those books are absolutely scary. In fact, I love dark books and I really love dark serial killer books. Years ago I had the absolute privilege of reading an edge-of-your seat manuscript that kept me turning pages well past closing time. The book was The Broken by Shelley Coriell.

I first met Shelley at an RWA National pitch appointment. It was one of the most memorable appointments I ever had. Shelley sat down across from me and announced that she already knew I was the agent she wanted, she just wanted to introduce herself so that I knew who she was. It was awesome. She finished up the appointment by handing me a recipe for her Blackberry Cobbler because she knew I loved to cook. Smart woman.

The minute I finished reading The Broken I knew I had to have it. I offered, Shelley said yes and together we determinedly set forth to find a publisher and bring that amazing book to readers. Sadly, we couldn't find an editor who agreed with us. Romantic suspense wasn't selling and while editors loved the book they just weren't convinced it was the right time. So Shelley decided to take a break from that and move on to writing something different. We parted ways. For a while.

A few years later I got a call from Shelley. She refused (thankfully) to let go of The Broken and since I was the agent who first handled it wanted to know if I wanted back on this wild ride. Of course I did! Within weeks (days really) we sold The Broken at auction to Grand Central.

The Broken published this past April and Shelley's second suspense, The Buried, published this week, just in time for Halloween. And these books are scary as sh**. I mean, they are amazing. So if you're looking for a great scary Halloween read, whether you think of yourself as a romantic suspense reader or not, these are the books you need to pick up.

And Shelley, feel free to correct me on any of this story. It's possible I embellished to make myself look good.

--jhf

Meeting an Agent at a Conference

This question came through on a blog post I did about preparing a nonfiction manuscript:

I have a meeting with a publisher at a conference at the end of the month. I will be presenting them several chapters and a proposal. Do you have any recommendations on how I should present it to them (bound, in a folder, loose, etc.)?

Please do NOT present a written proposal. I definitely recommend having your material with you, especially electronically, on the off chance an agent does want to see it while she's traveling, but I do not recommend showing up at a conference, proposal in hand, thinking you're simply going to hand it over to an agent. A pitch appointment is not an opportunity to hand-deliver your material. A pitch appointment is about verbally pitching your book and getting to know the agent and a little more about the industry. It's also the agent's chance to get to know you and to see if you're the kind of person she would like to work with. Honestly, I've had pitch appointments in which I've passed on material only because I found the author so abrasive I knew it wasn't someone I wanted to work with.

When you do prepare your proposal, never bind it. A folder is fine, but typically, if the agent is still accepting paper submissions, it's loose.

Jessica

The Query Isn't Working, Maybe It's the Book

All too often I read a query, or hear a pitch at a conference, and think how the author didn't take the book to the next level. I'm sure many of you will say that it's hard to convey the entire book in either a query or a pitch, but I also think it's important to stop blaming the query process and start using it as part of your writing process.

Writing queries is hard. I know. I have to write them. I also hear that from authors endlessly. Writing a synopsis stinks. Something else I hear endlessly. But instead of looking at those two things as pieces that are separate from the manuscript, I think they should be looked at as part of the process. If you're working on your query and finding it hard to come up with something that makes your book sound special, maybe it's that your book isn't special. It might be a good book, but is it good enough to grab the attention of a brand-new readership, people who already have thousands of books to choose from?

If you're having trouble nailing down the true conflict in your query, maybe you don't have enough in your story.

Changing our mind-set to think of queries and synopses as part of creating the manuscript might make them more useful to you, as they should be, than just getting an agent or publisher.


Jessica

The Perfect Pitch

When I first queried editors about Bella Riley’s books I asked Bella to supply the pitch. This is something I frequently do because it helps give me a starting point for my own pitch. The one thing I say to authors when sending my request is, “Feel free to keep it rough. I’ll probably edit and change it anyway.”

Not the case for Bella Riley, and not the case with many other clients. Bella’s pitch was perfect. So perfect, in fact, that when I first queried her editor at Grand Central to ask if she’d be interested in seeing the proposal, the editor responded immediately with, “Wow. I’m not sure if I’ve been desperate for a vacation to the mountains or if you need a book deal yourself—could be both—but your pitch sounds awesome. I’d love to take a look.”

Don’t I wish it was my writing? I told her the pitch was straight from Bella herself, and it wasn’t long before we had a three-book deal.

Bella Riley is the contemporary romance pseudonym for erotic romance author Bella Andre. We like to think of these books as Bella Andre meets Susan Wiggs. Home Sweet Home is her first contemporary romance with Grand Central, and here’s the pitch that got her that deal:

After thinking she had left Emerald Lake – and the girl she had once been – behind forever, Andi Powell must return for one more summer at the lake to save her family's knitting store. She isn't prepared for Nate Turner, the boy from the wrong side of the tracks that she'd always loved from afar, to have turned into a man who takes her breath away. She isn't ready for his determined sensual plays for her body . . . and her heart. And she definitely isn't prepared to discover that the darkness he hides so well from everyone else tugs at her heart – and makes her wonder if leaving again is really the right thing to do after all.

But with the help of the Thursday Night Knitting Group, Nate's sister, Andi's mother and grandmother, and a pair of missing carousel horses, Andi just might find the love she's always deserved in the arms of the one man who has waited his entire life for her to come back and heal the hole in his heart with her love.

Jessica

Five Don’ts for Pitching Books and Manuscripts

Author Name: Krista Davis
Title of Book: The Diva Haunts the House
Publisher: Berkley Prime Crime
Pub Date: Coming September 6th
Agent: Jessica Faust

Author Web/Blog links:
http://divamysteries.com
http://mysteryloverskitchen.com
http://www.killercharacters.com

Malice Domestic Convention (http://www.malicedomestic.org/)


Mystery authors are about to descend on Bethesda, Maryland, for the annual Malice Domestic Convention, which celebrates traditional and cozy mysteries. Right about now, everyone is practicing their elevator pitches for Malice Go Round. It’s their opportunity to sit at a table with readers and sell their books. But there’s a catch -- they only have two minutes! There are twenty tables in the room with two authors seated at each table of readers. When the cue is given, each author has two minutes to talk about his or her books. Then the authors rise and switch tables. It’s exhausting but it’s also a lot of fun. I’m no pro, but I have picked up on a few mistakes that authors make. (I’ve made them, too!) Last year, when Jessica and I spoke about it, she noted that many are the same mistakes that writers make when sending her queries. Don’t let these happen to you.

1. Don’t bore them with structure.

“I based The Quintessential Murder on the hero’s journey.”

Are you bored yet? Me, too. If you’re a writer, you might enjoy discussing the structure of a book, but it doesn’t spark interest in a book for most people.


2. Don’t waste time with the obvious.

“My books are about the relationships between people and how they react to a murder in their midst.”

Doesn’t that apply to most mysteries? If you’re a New York Times Bestselling author, you could get away with this. Then again, your audience would be just as thrilled if you leaned toward them and asked if your mascara had smeared.


3. Don’t overload them with names.

“John and Mary have a complicated relationship. That’s because of Sam, who never liked his mother, Imelda, who is a difficult woman at best. So when Arthur and Hugo enter the picture . . . .”

Lost yet? Limit yourself to two or three names. Other people can be identified by tags, like “Sam’s mother,” to simplify things for the reader or listener. And be specific. How is the relationship complicated? How does that impact the plot? Who is the book about?


4. Don’t tell them the story behind the story.

“In this book I wanted to explore the dynamics of a troubled marriage in the computer age. There are so many changes in our lives now that we’re available 24/7. We’re never without our smart phones anymore.”

But what’s the story about?


5. Don’t digress to subplots.

“Amy Pierson’s sister disappears two days before her wedding. The window to her bedroom had been broken from the outside, and a red feather was left in the middle of the floor. Then Amy’s brother announces his engagement, but his fiancee is a ditz whom no one likes and she drives to Scranton to see her ex-husband who runs a video arcade.”

Wait, wait! This one starts out well, but slides right into a side plot. Stick to the primary story. What about the sister who disappeared? That’s far more interesting than the brother’s little problem. Whether you’re querying BookEnds or pitching under pressure at Malice Go Round, remember that it’s all about telling a great story. Good luck!


Krista Davis writes the Domestic Diva Mystery series for Berkley Prime Crime. Her first book, THE DIVA RUNS OUT OF THYME, was nominated for an Agatha. Krista's most recent release is THE DIVA COOKS A GOOSE, and she's looking forward to September 6th, when her Halloween-themed mystery, THE DIVA HAUNTS THE HOUSE, will be available.

Visit Krista at her website DivaMysteries.com. Krista blogs at MysteryLoversKitchen.com, where mystery writers cook up crime . . . and recipes, and at www.KillerCharacters.com, where the characters do the blogging!

Plotting for You or the Story

If you ever have a pitch appointment with me, the one thing you’ll get is lots of feedback. Based on your pitch, and sometimes material I have read, I’ll do my best to give you my thoughts on why the book isn’t working and suggestions on what you can do to make it stronger, or make it work better.

I was thinking back the other day to a pitch appointment I had in which every suggestion I made, the author argued that it couldn’t be done. Ultimately, any changes I was suggesting didn’t work with her vision of the book. She had her heart and mind set on how the story was going to go, and any deviation from that carefully plotted outline was sending her into a panic.

Unfortunately, I think this is a common mistake many authors make: writing for themselves and not the story. What this means is that the author has plotted out the story and knows how she intends it to read, and now she must write the book to that end. The problem is that no matter how much of a plotter you are (versus a pantser) you can’t always control how a book is going to play out. For example, in your outline it might have made perfect sense for your character not to tell her husband that she dyes her hair until chapter 15. The problem is that by chapter 4 the reader is wondering why the hell the heroine doesn’t just tell her husband that she dyes her hair. It’s just not making sense anymore and the conflict is quickly getting old. We need it to evolve from hair dye and it’s not, because it didn’t in your outline.

So no matter how much of a planner you are, be ready for changes, drastic changes sometimes.

Jessica

Pitching Effectively

I'll be attending a writers' conference and have a 10-minute appointment with a literary agent. Do you have any suggestions on what the pitch should - and shouldn't - include? Is there something people do that really annoys you? Anything that's particularly effective?

The most important thing your pitch should include is your blurb. Really, it doesn’t need to be that different from your query letter, a short, compelling description of your book. Everyone is different, very different, when it comes to what makes a successful pitch. I think it’s Janet Reid who has posted on the subject, and what she’s looking for is different from what I want to see. All that being said, if you give a short, compelling pitch you’ll win an agent over every time.

Here are my tips for pitching successfully.

1. Bring along your query, a short 1-2 page synopsis, and the first chapter of your book. Have it out when you sit down in case the agent finds it easier to read off that.
2. When you sit down, introduce yourself and take a moment to ask the agent how she’s doing or how she’s enjoying the conference. In other words, a few seconds or a minute of small talk tends to break the ice and make everyone a little more comfortable.
3. Start your pitch with your title and genre, then give your blurb. Your blurb should not go on and on. It only needs to be a written paragraph, and if it’s easier for you to read it go ahead and read it.
4. Have questions. In other words, use your time wisely. When authors pitch to me I’ll often ask questions about the book, but I always ask the author if she has any questions for me. Have some. This is your one-on-one time with an agent, so use it. Ask questions about her, the agency, the business of publishing. Think of it as a pre-interview. If she calls to offer representation, you already have a sense of how well you talk and how comfortable you are with her.
5. Relax and enjoy yourself. 10 minutes can go quickly.

Jessica

Mastering the Elevator Pitch

Anyone who is a member of RWA knows that today kicks off the RWA National conference in Orlando, and, as always, I will be in attendance. Unfortunately, due to time constraints, I will be doing things a little differently this year. This year, I have not signed up to hold author pitch appointments. I’m already participating in two workshops and at least one agent panel. Adding in appointments would severely cut into the time I have with clients, and since that’s why I’m really there, it just didn’t make sense for me this year.

So what do you do if you were hoping to pitch to me and are disappointed I’m not taking pitches, or what if you planned to pitch to another agent but didn’t get a slot with her? Why, the elevator pitch, of course. Or the bar pitch, the breakfast pitch, the lobby pitch. Just whatever you do, don’t try the bathroom pitch or the gym pitch.

Every agent will have a different suggestion for how to pitch agents outside of a traditional pitch appointment. What’s mine? Toss the pitch altogether. I hate the feeling that the only reason an author is talking to me is for the opportunity to pitch a story. That being said, I love to talk about this business. If you happen to catch me at the bar by myself or enjoying a cup of coffee in the corner, don’t hesitate to approach me. It’s almost guaranteed that I’ll be reading something, but if I’m in public I’m expecting to talk to people. If I want a break I’ll sneak out of the hotel for a walk or up to my room for a nap.

How do you approach? Walk right up, say excuse me and ask if I would mind if you joined me for a minute or if you could talk to me. I like to think I’m a pretty friendly person and I don’t think I’ve ever turned anyone down. I might tell you I only have a few minutes, but since it’s National I always only have a few minutes.

What to say? Come with some questions, some comments, or compliment me on my brilliant shoe choice that day. In other words, have a conversation with me. It’s almost guaranteed that I’ll ask you about your writing at some point, but if not, what you’re doing is making an impression. Listen, I accept queries from everyone. Getting a query to me isn’t the point. Making yourself memorable is. If you have questions about the business, want a professional’s advice on your book idea, or just want to sit down and take a load off for a minute, this is the time for that. If our time is cut short and you haven’t pitched, I think that’s fine. In fact, it’s great. I’m usually tired of the pitches and networking is about far more than pitches. And this way, when you query (which is often a more comfortable way to pitch anyway) you can say that we enjoyed a nice talk in the corner of Starbucks right before my meeting with Sally MacKenzie. I’m sure to remember you and that’s what networking is all about. As to whether or not it means I’ll request your work: A verbal pitch won’t do that either, but it might give your work that extra little push if I’m on the fence.

Can’t wait to meet you.

Jessica

Making Comparisons, Part II

I've also read in a few places that comparing your novel to other published works is iffy at best, and comparing it to best sellers/classic novels is suicide. Are there two schools of thought on this?

I think I’ve blogged on this before, but after three years of blogging it’s sometimes starting to feel like I’ve blogged on everything and, I suppose, it never hurts to repeat things. Believe it or not, sometimes my thinking changes on things.

This question came in response on my previous post on Making Comparisons. And yes, the reader is correct, I think comparing your novel to other works is “iffy at best,” and I don’t recommend doing it unless you are absolutely certain your comparison will grab an agent’s attention. The reason agents can make the comparison is because we have a personal relationship with editors and know what types of books editors are looking for or, even better, what authors editors and houses wish they had on their lists.

Jessica

Making Comparisons

It’s not at all uncommon for authors to compare their work to that of others. In fact, it’s not uncommon for agents to do the same thing. In a quick search of Publishers Marketplace I found the following comparisons:

pitched as in the tradition of Raymond Carver and Lorrie Moore
pitched as in the spirit of Alain de Botton's How Proust Can Change Your Life or Richard Holmes's The Age of Wonders
pitched as a James Bond-meets-The Da Vinci Code political crime thriller
pitched as in the tradition of Kate DiCamillo
pitched as in the tradition of Robert Ludlum and Dan Brown
pitched as a Pete McCarthy-meets-Nick Hornby travelogue
pitched as Infinite Jest with Silence of the Lambs
pitched as Sebastian Faulks's Birdsong meets Diana Gabaldon's Outlander
pitched as Dexter meets The Silence of the Lambs for teens

Now, my guess is that while some of these samples will appeal to you, others will turn you off. Maybe you’ve never been a fan of Robert Ludlum or you despised Infinite Jest. Whatever the reason, that’s the trick with using comparisons and why I caution you to be careful when doing so. Just as a comparison can give an agent or editor a very quick and easy idea of what your book is, it can turn them off or, worse, make it more confusing.

For example, I have no idea what Twilight meets Blue’s Clues would even be. Who would be the audience and how would a book like that work? And yes, this example is based on an actual pitch I received.

If you choose to do comparisons, take a look at Publishers Marketplace to get an idea for what works. Comparisons are used to show who an audience might be and work best if you’re using bestselling names, current or recent bestselling names, and not old or obscure references. They also work best if you have some idea that they are books or authors that will appeal to the agent you’re trying to pitch.

Jessica

An Agent's Passion

Earlier this month I attended the Northern Colorado Writers Conference in Fort Collins, Colorado (and followed it up with some much-needed vacation). The conference immediately followed my post on Agentfail, so I was feeling a little bruised, battered and unsure if I had done the right thing. Obviously this post sticks with me since I can’t seem to let it go.

One of the things that struck me about this conference was how much agents really, truly love our jobs. The first night there, conference director Kerrie Flanagan took agents Jeffrey McGraw, Jon Sternfeld, and me out to dinner. I felt a little bad for Kerrie because immediately upon getting three agents together all we did was talk shop. We shared stories of how we handle submissions we love, how we handle those we’re on the fence over, and what we do when we think a submission needs too much work to offer representation on, but we love it anyway. We shared client horror stories and experiences on how to deal with difficult clients as well as discussed what makes a great client. We talked about publishing news and gossip, and we offered advice to each other. Good grief, we just talked and talked and talked shop. Dinner lasted an hour, but since we weren’t even close to done, we moved to an amazing chocolate café for dessert. Poor Kerrie.

On Friday we had pitch appointments and I have to say, this was one of the best-prepared groups I had ever met with. Every single author I met with came in prepared to give a pitch and talk about themselves. More important, though, every author had a list of questions prepared in case the pitch ended early and there was time to just chat. Kudos to Kerrie, who revealed later that she had offered a three-hour pitch workshop. It really showed, she needs to take that workshop on the road. I heard some great pitches and was, hopefully, able to give some constructive advice. One author, at the suggestion of another agent at the conference, asked my advice on how to handle a difficult situation with her agent, while others wanted to know my thoughts on what genre they should be targeting or looking into (not based on trends, but based on the description of the story). I found that, throughout the conference, the writers were warm, engaging and intelligent. The questions they asked were great and the conversations were always lively.

Friday night after dinner, and I really have to shake my head, Jon Sternfeld and I dragged a group of writers into the bar where, yes, we could just talk and talk and talk some more about publishing. It’s a little embarrassing really and makes me wonder, do we just love to hear ourselves talk? I swear, if I get a captive audience (hello, blog readers) I can really talk forever about publishing. I love sharing my knowledge and experiences and I think most other agents do too. The truth is we want to see publishing success whether we’re part of the journey or not, and the more we can do to help authors along the way the happier we are. I remember sitting there and thinking how much fun Jon and I were having. We had never met before, but our common love of publishing created an instant connection. We were in our element. It was great!

I was asked during the cocktail party why I do conferences; the author wanted to know if it was for the pay. LOL. Newsflash, except in very, very, very rare instances, agents do not get paid to attend writer’s conferences. Typically hotel, conference fees, and airfare are covered, but we still need to somehow get to and from the airport, pay for meals that aren’t included and cover any other incidentals we might need (Internet access at the hotel, for example). I don’t do conferences expecting to sign new clients and I certainly don’t do them for money. I’m not going to pretend I’m a saint and attendance at conferences is completely altruistic. Sure, I never know who I will meet or what that will lead to, but primarily I speak at conferences because I love being surrounded by others who have a passion for books, who love to write and who really, truly want to learn more about publishing.

Jessica

Pitch Appointments

While traveling to a conference recently I got to thinking about pitch appointments. For those who haven’t yet had the opportunity to attend a conference, pitch appointments are brief, 10-minute assigned meetings between an author and an agent or an editor. Typically to have a pitch appointment you need to have signed up ahead of time and you need to have a completed manuscript.

My thoughts aren’t so much about how authors could better conduct themselves in these appointments, but how they’re often handled from the perspective of conference coordinators. Should pitch appointments be a perk or should they be something that you ensure every attendee is able to get? I can only imagine the headache that goes into handling pitch appointments. I would imagine it’s probably one of the more difficult jobs of volunteer organizers and I have always done my best to respect those who planned the appointments as well as those who manned the desks during my appointments.

Now I know that every author who attends a conference is going to feel that with the money they are paying they should all get appointments with as many of the agents and editors as they want. I disagree. I think organizers should plan ahead of time how many appointments each agent and editor will take (and I do not think anyone should be required to take more than two hours of appointments in a day) and from there you’ll need to figure out how appointments get assigned. I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I have spent up to eight straight hours in a room taking appointment after appointment because organizers wanted to make sure that everyone who wanted an appointment got one. In fact, I’ve even been told by conference organizers that they brought me in to work me and that’s fully what they intend to do. I realize that the agents, the editors and the bestselling authors are usually the draw for conference attendees. I also ask organizers to remember that agents and editors talk too, and you’ll find it more and more difficult to find attendees when we tell others how hard we were worked.

Pitch appointments are useless if the agents are so tired they can’t see straight, let alone listen. If instead of looking at the next author as a potential client we’re looking for the door, a pillow, and a quiet room where no one knows us, you’re in trouble. Pitch appointments are exhausting for the agents and I think by now you’ve all come to realize that they are probably my least favorite part of conferences. So when scheduling appointments and trying hard to please all the authors who want an appointment with a certain agent, please don’t forget the agent and that the best thing you can do for everyone is give her a break too.

Jessica

Personal Tastes

While doing the pitch critiques over the holidays I was asked if I thought agents had their own preferences for pitches or if the differences really came down to genre, and I’ll tell you right now that agents definitely have their own preferences. What might come across to me as a very exciting pitch might be a complete snooze to another agent. For example, I know there’ve been plenty of times when I’ve received a query I was so excited about that I shared it with my colleagues and neither of them got what I saw. In fact, just recently I received a query that I thought sounded so cute and great that I shared it with Kim and Jacky. Kim immediately responded to say she didn’t get it, in fact had no interest in the idea at all.

Reactions to pitches, like anything else, are subjective. By doing the pitch critiques I can’t guarantee that you’ll get a request from every agent you query. I can however give my opinion on what might make a stronger pitch and show you how agents look at pitches. We don’t just look to see what the story is about, but we do look at pitches to get a sense as to whether or not the story might work.

Also keep in mind that agents, like readers, can grab on to a pitch simply because of a personal preference. There are agents, for example, who just have a passion for vampires and might gravitate toward almost anything with vampires in it, while others have absolutely no interest in vampires and see that as an automatic rejection. If you haven’t already read through the pitches posted in my call for pitches on December 19 I would encourage you to do so. Reading through them will give you insight into what an agent sees in her in-box on a daily basis and might also make you see why we implore you to work so hard to write a strong pitch.

Jessica

Holiday Critiques #6

Happy New Year's Eve! I hope everyone has been able to take some time off and enjoy a holiday vacation. I know I'm happy to report that I've enjoyed vacation and been very productive at the same time.

Here's yet another critique and here's your link to the original post. Don't hesitate to make your own comments on the pitches I've chosen. I've been pleased and impressed with what some of you have had to say.

Terri said...

If Halli Montgomery hadn’t disobeyed her father, she wouldn’t be dangling from a cross a decade later. But running out of time had her taking chances. If she didn’t get down soon, she’d have to wait two years to be free. Not from the rusted nail that had her bound but from the curse that left her unable to love.

This is an example of a pitch that is potentially intriguing, but in the end far too vague. You hint at a lot of information like her father, the cross, time running out, but give us nothing concrete on what this all means. I think we need to know why she's hanging on the cross and what happens when time is running out. More importantly though I have no sense from this pitch whether this book is contemporary, historical, paranormal or futuristic. I can figure from her name that it's not historical and probably not fantasy, but is it contemporary or paranormal? 

Heidi said...

Some Kind of Normal (literary fiction)

All that stands between her daughter’s life and death is a tenth grade education, a zealous group of Baptist ladies, and 1.8 million Google hits.

Babs’ days, once full of grit-making and house-cleaning, just got a lot harder. Her husband’s growing away from her, her son is suddenly sporting a rainbow colored Mohawk, and her twelve-year-old daughter is on the brink of death. After Ashley faints and seizes in front of her, Babs embarks on a seemingly impossible journey: establishing some kind of normal life around her daughter’s volatile diabetes while not losing her husband, son, and overbearing but well-meaning friends in the process.

But when Ashley develops a rare allergy to insulin – the only medicine that can keep her alive – Babs has to overcome her high-school-drop-out education to find a cure the doctors say isn’t there. In a frantic rush against the clock and Ashley’s quickly dwindling days, Babs turns to the Internet. The answer she discovers is the one no one wants to hear: a risky stem cell operation that pits her against her husband, her faith, and the conservative church that’s been their biggest support.

This is one instance where at first glance this pitch is far too long. This is almost a full page. It seems to me that you have a lot of repetition here. Your second paragraph is really just an introductory version of what your first and third paragraphs are. You need to get to the heart of the story faster. I like your opening paragraph. This is clearly a tagline and not a pitch, but does grab the reader's attention. I don't know that it's necessary, but it does work. And then the heart of the pitch is really the third paragraph. "When Bab's teenage daughter Ashley develops...." That's your book and your hook. What is really, in my estimation, going to grab an agent's attention is your last sentence. That's the conflict and the heart of your story.

Sherrah said...

Some things you can never forget: the touch of your mother's hand on your hair, the smell of your father's hug, your first kiss. The time you tried to fly and everyone mistook it for a suicide attempt, or trying to walk on water and nearly drowning. The day you found out your little brother is dying. Some things stay imprinted on your memory forever - the day your life changed.

Riley Kimball's life has changed. Her twelve year old brother has leukemia and is dying.

Water Walker is a story about family and self-discovery. It is the story of Riley Kimball's freshman year of high school, of her struggle to understand what is happening to her brother and to rediscover a sense of normalcy in her life. As her friendships crumble, her brother's health continues to decline. But even in the darkness that surrounds her, Riley finds hope and strength in unexpected places: a renewed relationship with her older sister, the encouraging words of a jock football coach, the poetry of Emily Dickinson, and most unexpectedly, from within herself.

What's interesting here is that you have an overly long pitch that really tells me nothing and I think that should really show people that more words don't mean a better or stronger pitch. The only line that works is the second paragraph. It's the lead in to what's really going on. From your first paragraph I would gather that this is a paranormal or YA Fantasy about a girl learning to harness her powers, but then we get farther in, it really seems to be about a girl who is struggling with the eventual death of her brother. In other words, what is this book really about? Avoid the line, "Water Walker is the story about family and self-discovery." That says absolutely nothing. I would say 90% of all young adult books are about self-discovery. No one buys a book because it's about family. They buy a book for plot and character. Get specific here. What about her brother dying is changing her life forever? What exactly is happening in this book?

Linda Hall said...

Nephilim, an ancient Biblical race. Children born of the union between the Fallen Ones and the Daughters of Man.

Pandora, half-demon, half-human; born to be bad, but desperate to be good. Possessed by the demoness Lust, she lives in a world of shadow and light and walks the gray in between. For thousands of years she did as she wanted, killed as she wanted; indulged herself in every carnal whim. But now Pandora wants to find some meaning in her life. Problem is even when she tries to be good evil finds her anyway. Vamps have overtaken the city, children are missing and an ancient god has come to life.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, she also has a Grimoran on her tail. Very little is known of the Grimoran, other than their sole purpose in life is to seek out the Nephilim and destroy them. And now one has tagged her. Named Billy, he’s all that’s dangerous, dark, and deadly and arouses every wicked instinct inside her. And yet whenever he has the chance to kill her, he doesn’t. Can she trust him? Her body and heart say yes, but something evil this way comes. Who can she trust? Or is it already too late?

This is another example of a pitch that has an awful lot of words, but doesn't say much at all. You are telling me who Pandora is and what is happening to her, but I really don't get a sense of what this book is about. Is the entire book simply about her searching for meaning in her life while being chased by Billy? Because that sounds a little on the boring side to me. I need more specifics on what is going on. Why she's being chased and what happens during the chase. I also need a better sense, through the story, of what makes this book different from others because it really doesn't stand out to me.

Ella said...

Nicholas is a hard-ass angel with one weakness, Noelle Spencer, who has been his charge since her birth. He’ll fight to the death to keep her safe from the demon world. He has more at stake than fighting demons when he learns the woman he loves has the blood of the Deities running through her veins. Divine blood the rogue demons want to infuse into their next generation of demons. Now Nicholas must face the ultimate test, as legions of demons want to claim her as their queen. If he fails, not only will he lose Noelle, but the balance between angels and demons—good vs. evil—will be turned upside down, ending in disaster.

I think you have a lot of potential here, but it just doesn't have the oomph it needs to stand out. I like the idea of the hard-ass angel, but show us a little more how he's so tough. And I like the idea that she is now wanted by the demons, but I think we need a lot more detail on what exactly is going on and, again, how this book stands out from all other paranormal romances. I love the use of claiming her as the queen. I think that's such a good hook it makes me think your title should be something like The Demon Queen. Now we need to know a little about how she plays into this and whether she knows that Nicholas is her angel. "As a tough guardian angel, Nicholas has one job and that's to protect Noelle Spencer, a no-nonesense human with no knowledge of his existence. That is until it's discovered that Noelle is no normal woman, she has the blood of the Deities running through her and the demons (explain who they are) see her as their queen..."

Have a safe New Year!

--jessica

Holiday Critiques #5

Back again...

Here's your link to the post that started it all, the final pitch critiques of 2008. If you're new to the site you might want to read that post so you have a sense of what's going on. For those who have already been following along, let's just get started.

Katherine E. Hazen said...

Lily Gardner is a freak; dyed hair, combat boots, super powers, and all. When she loses control of her powers during a meltdown at the mall the Great Lakes School for Exceptional Young People comes calling. GLS is secretly a haven for the supernatural. What Lily finds there is very little acceptance and a whole lot of rivalry. Her life has never been normal, but now it's complicated by super-powered cat fights; Vincent, her best friend who has complete access to her mind; and a crush on her classmate Reid, the hottest werewolf in school. In a place where everybody else is striving to stand out, Lily just wants to fit in.

My assumption is that this is YA which, if it is, is a great thing. It means that you've gotten across through a pitch, without telling me directly, who the audience for your book is. Watch your second sentence, it's definitely a run-on and difficult to read. I believe you need a comma in there. You might want to make the super powers stand out a little more in the first sentence by saying something like, "People think Lily Gardner is a freak because of her dyed hair and combat boots, what they don't realize is that what really makes her freaky are the super powers she can't seem to control.  When she loses control during a breakdown at the mall it's the Great Lakes School for Exceptional Young People who come calling and make her realize maybe she isn't as freaky as she thought." Other then those small things which I think tighten and exciten (yes I made that up) things up a bit, this pitch is really great and the book sounds fabulous.

Minnie said...

Cooper Wilson's life is in the tank. Not only is he the shortest kid in 8th grade, he's also the smartest. He's dying to play for the varsity basketball team, but the ones who want him belong to the math team. Throw in the fact that him mom is beginning to sub at his school, "so they can stay close," and you've just begun to peek inside Cooper's misery.

Before going into my critique I should clarify that this is far outside of my realm. YA I can do, but middle grade is a little tougher for me. I think that as a pitch this is strong and so is your writing. My concern would be that the book itself doesn't sound that different to me then the books I read as a child, which could be a problem. The hook seems rather blase, and not that different. Great pitch though.

Robena Grant said...

Gone Tropical follows the journey of two Americans through the rainforest at the northern-most tip of Australia. Written in the vein of Romancing the Stone, it asks the story question: "What if a psychologist--determined to find her ex-husband who embezzled millions from her estranged father's business--pits her wits against the skill of a solitary skip-tracer hired by her father, and finds instead that joining forces in the adventure means more than revenge?"

Gone Tropical is a completed 90,000word romantic adventure.

You are telling and not showing here and you've taken what I assume has the potential to be a very fun book and turned it into a very boring pitch. Your main focus here seems to be on the setting when, especially if you're calling this an adventure, it should be on the adventure. I also really, really implore you all to avoid questions as much as possible. A question doesn't tell you anything about a book. Let's put it his way, if a friend was telling you about a book she just read and loved and wanted to get you to read it would it work for you if she said, "Imagine a little boy living under the stairs who suddenly gets to go to wizard school?" Would that really work? I think you're much better off saying something like, "When Rosemary Van Rose learns that her ex-husband has embezzled millions..."

Lehcarjt said...

Nicole Devaney has a relaxation problem – as in she can’t. Not when she’s the only Keener Hotel Group employee who knows someone is using the Keener/Devaney family-run business for kickbacks and blackmail. Not when logic says that the person is her beloved stepfather, George Keener. Not when a quick hunt through his office ups the likelihood of his guilt and gets her caught by a curious, but helpful, knight dressed for battle (Italian wool suit – jacket missing and shirt sleeves rolled up to his elbows). Jed Pruitt hasn’t arrived to solve Nicole’s problems, but to ‘clean up’ the financially floundering hotel company. He doesn’t realize his business partner landed the consulting job by offering a kickback to George Keener.

Fall a Little Farther is a 100,000 word romantic comedy about an intense, perfectionistic, and slightly klutzy accountant who must save her step-father, the hotel company, and the consultants from first - the Yakuza (mafia of Japan) and second - each other (which proves to be the more difficult). Relaxation is out of the question.

I really, really like this opening paragraph. I think your voice comes through beautifully and I love that first line, it made me smile. Watch the use of Keener Group, Keener/Devaney, I'm not sure both of them are necessary in the pitch and it bogs things down. When reading a pitch I want to be able to read quickly and easily without being slowed down. This slowed me down. I think it would be enough to say Keener Hotel Group and later just family run business. This is an example where two paragraphs work. The first paragraph is clearly the pitch paragraph, the second is just a wrap-up and explains the title, genre, etc and gives a tag line. This paragraph could be done either before or after the pitch. I think you did a great job here.

JT said...

Don Amberly is Bloodborn, destined to become a vampire. Running isn’t a choice and the local werewolf pack refuses to grant protection, so he does the only thing left to avoid his fate, he hunts those who would have him undead.

I like this. I think it's a smooth, clean pitch. I am however concerned that it doesn't say quite enough. Vampires are a tough sell these days and because of that you really do need to sell your story on it's own. I think this is a good start, but I'd like to know a little bit more about his hunting of the undead and how this book differs from other similar books.

Holiday Critique #4

I'm back with more critiques and I was amazed this morning when I opened the original post to see that there are 256 comments. Wow! Now, I realize not all of them are pitches to be critiqued, but that is certainly a little daunting and I definitely know I won't be getting to all of them over the next week or so. I will of course do my best to give as many critiques as I can and thank you to those who have said kind words and seem to be learning from this. I do believe, or at least hope, that whether I get to your critique or not that everyone can learn something from what I'm doing.

One thing to keep in mind is that while a pitch is critically important, some people may learn from the critique that your story, not just your pitch, needs work. If my concern is that the pitch seems slow or not different enough you might need to consider whether it's the pitch or the book.

If you're new to the blog I ask that you read the original post first so that you have a feel for what's going on here and then hop right in. We look forward to hearing from you. I also look forward to hearing from readers your thoughts on some of the critiques I'm pitching. All readers have different ideas, just like all agents, and it never hurts to hear from everyone.

So here we go...

Kyle Smith said...

Propositioned by a Playboy model, hit by a car, mugged, and arrested for the murder of a man he's never met, it's safe to say that Brian Green has never had a crazier day in his life.

It's about to get even weirder. A man calling himself Jack O'Lantern, with a smile to match the name, magically heals Brian's injuries and gets him out of police custody with a few words. The price tag? Simply the promise of a favor returned. But what could Brian possibly do for a man like that?

My question to you is what is this story really about? Is it one weird night or is it what Brian is going to need to do for Jack, because I'm not sure one weird night will do it, it doesn't seem different enough for a book. Jack however seems intriguing and like he's probably the hook of your story. I think you can skip the first paragraph and instead delve further into Jack and who he is as well as more on what Brian is going to need to do.

Avrild said...

Nina Weaver, a feisty, struggling NYC photographer whose photographs contain intrusive spirit messages, felt bespelled when she met Anthropology Professor Pascal Guzman… and she was right! Though he swore that he’d never unleash the power of the Stag God, Cernunus, locating the woman he once loved from afar overwhelms his self-control. And when Nina’s best friend is shot by men breaking into her apartment to steal her “magic” photos, Pascal convinces her that the answer to the mystery surrounding her work lies in his hometown of Santa Fe. She agrees to head out with him on a sex and danger filled road trip—but what neither one of them knows is that they are at the heart of a power struggle between rival gods, one of them bent on destroying Pascal.

Whew! You've got a lot of material here. My most immediate concern is that it seems you are trying to dump way too much information in here and a lot of it seems unnecessary. For example do we need to know that Nina is feisty or struggling, or even from NYC? What do we really need to know from her in a blurb? What seems to be key, and the only thing that seems important in that first sentence, are the photographs and what she shoots. I'm also very concerned about the exclamation point. I'm not sure it's appropriate here. Are you really exclaiming that entire sentence? And the second sentence has a lot of the same problems. I have no idea where this information is coming from or how it fits in. I think the heart of your pitch is when you get to Nina's best friend. Let's skip the backstory about these two and get right to the book.  In the end though, the biggest problem is that I still have no idea what this book is about.

Sarah Jackson said...

"Maximum Comfort", a Memoir

Raised in a small town as the middle child of six by a Black father and White mother, I couldn’t help but ask myself “Who am I? Where do I belong? What in the hell do I do with my hair?” These questions became urgent when my parents’ relationship exploded after 27 years of marriage. For most of my twenties I wrestled with my life, desperate to pin it down with context and meaning. There were a few excellent moves that made me feel in control for a while; Oprah-style weight loss, cool career in television, my own place in New York City. But it was an intense break-up with a guy so blonde, hot and blue-eyed that he SURFED, that finally forced me to ask myself what I truly wanted from life. Everyone knows the only place you can answer that question is at a Buddhist monastery. So thank God there was one just north of the city. There was no way I was going to India. My hair would be impossible to manage!

A word about memoirs here (and I don't think this necessarily applies to Sarah Jackson's book), memoirs are not the life story of someone from beginning to end. A memoir is a moment in time in a person's life and usually about the growth of a person or a defining moment in her life. Luckily for memoir writers we could have a lot of defining moments. Just ask Augusten Burroughs, a memoir writer could end up with a lot of memoirs. Okay, that being said I do think this pitch shows one moment in your life which is good, unfortunately I think you've buried that one moment at the end of a lot of backstory. It seems to me, unless I'm wrong, that your entire book is really about your experience at a monastery and not about your experience losing weight or growing up. In other words, this is another Eat, Pray, Love. What I need to know then is how this book differs from that one (without you saying, "this differs from that book because...". What makes it special and different and how it will stand out. I do like your sense of humor, it does give a sense of voice and tone and the story does intrigue me, I think it can be a lot stronger though.

Robin D said...

My book, titled WHIRLWIND, is a complete, 90,000 word, first person contemporary romance. It is a single title with sequel possibilities.

Melissa Williams, a practical journalism major, is not prepared when she first locks eyes with visiting med student, Jason McConnell, at her friend’s wedding. She doesn’t believe in love at first sight, and is shocked when she finds herself its unwilling victim.

Jason refuses to let Melissa hide in the background, inviting her to spend the night with him after stunning her with a single, amazing kiss. He isn’t the only man to notice Melissa, however, and as she succumbs to Jason’s pull, she also becomes the target of a killer.

Jason stays to protect Melissa, making no secret of his affection, or his responsibilities thousands of miles away. As the murderer slowly homes in on his target, it seems that Melissa is destined to lose Jason one way or another, ending their whirlwind romance just as it is beginning.

Honestly, I have no idea what this book is. You call it contemporary romance, but there's a killer hunting her so is it really romantic suspense? Either way, your pitch is much too staid and boring. It doesn't read as anything that's different enough and would grab an agent's attention. What makes this book different from all of the other books out there? Especially if you are a debut author a hook is crucially important. The first paragraph doesn't really make much sense. It's about love at first sight and then suddenly she's an unwilling victim. If those two things are in the same sentence then somehow we need to see the connection between the two and I don't. Why does she become the target of a killer? What is happening and why is Jason responsible for protecting her? What does the wedding have to do with any of this other then the fact that they met there?

This is an instance where I wonder if your book has enough oomph or is ready to go out there quite yet.

DebraLSchubert said...

Jenny Sampson’s experience as a rock goddess in the Denver music scene does nothing to prepare her for life as a domestic goddess in the suburbs of Philly. As Jenny and her family settle into a McMansion in the burbs, her country club lifestyle holds many surprises. Like a beautiful assistant DA interested in a threesome, a wealthy heiress who has eyes for Nate, and a rock club owner who falls hard for Jenny. When her longing for stardom resurfaces, will Jenny be forced to choose between the intoxicating world of rock and roll and life as a suburban doctor’s wife, or, is it possible to have it all?

75,000 words; Women's Humor Fiction

I LOVE your first sentence. It made me smile right away and is a fabulous example of the use of subtle humor to show your voice. Immediately I get the sense that this book could be hilarious. I also like the second and third sentences. I think they work nicely. The end though sounds okay, but falls a little flat for me and again, I'm not sure if this is an instance of the book needing more or the pitch needing more. Is her entire challenge making the decision between suburban housewife and rockstar? I think I would like to know more, I would like to see a bigger conflict, because I do think the conflict could be bigger here. As this is written though I do suspect you'll get some great requests from agents. Good work.

Holiday Critique #3

Merry Christmas Eve! Before I start to cook the Christmas Feast I had some time to slip in some critiques. What's funny about the reader who criticized me for typos and other grammatical errors is that I did mean to comment on the last post about that. Since I am doing this on my holiday time you can definitely expect to see a typo or two. I'm not taking the time to carefully read over my work as I often do and sadly, I never have an editor for my blog. In fact, my guess is because I tend to write the blog quickly it would be the rare post in which you didn't find a typo. I think that I, like most agents, write our blog posts quickly and somewhat stream of consciously. While the blogs are important to us other things are always more pressing and if we want to keep up the blog sometime we have to ask our readers to slog through grammar and other errors. 

There were a couple of other comments from the previous two posts that I thought I should address as well. One had to do with how I choose the pitches. Again, I have not read any of the pitches other then those I've critiqued. I'm simply scrolling through and picking wherever I stop. I'm trying to pick from the beginning, middle and end. I cannot tell which might be jokes and which might be real in the same way I cannot read queries and assume that someone is just sending it as a joke. Part of my job is to give everyone serious consideration. 

To address confusion about the pitch. A pitch is absolutely the one paragraph in your query letter that sells your book. I am reading all of these as if you've pulled them straight from your queries.

And lastly, there was a reader who seemed upset that I would take the time to do the critiques on the blog when I, or other agents, can't bother to give more then a form letter on full manuscripts. I know that I for one do make every attempt to give a personal letter any time I request a full manuscript and frankly I can't think of a time when I gave a form rejection for a full unless it was sent unsolicited. The blog is a completely separate entity from submissions and I will admit one of the concerns I have about the blog is that people will start to think I spend more time on this then I do with either clients or potential clients which, trust me, I don't. I do still request a lot of partials and can't always give feedback, although I do whenever possible. I think I've addressed this before, but he truth is that sometimes there isn't much to say.

Okay, I think I've addressed most or all of the concerns readers seem to have. I'm going to continue on giving critiques and wishing everyone a Happy Holiday! If you want your pitch considered you will need to post within the original blog post.

Melissa said...

Wil Rainolds is a painter, a father, and a husband. His marriage is crumbling, his son is in rebellion, his daughter is about to run off with a military boy, and even his paintings haven’t been cooperating lately. He could also very well be humankind’s last and only weapon against the monstrous invaders known as the creatures. What is it about Wil’s painting that makes the creatures hate and fear him? Can he save the world and still manage to keep his struggling family together?

Wow, you've squeezed in a lot here and I'm not sure I make the connection between most of it. You need to break it down a little and get to the heart. Do we really need to know the specifics about Wil's family or is it more important that we hear about the creatures?  I would also avoid questions at all cost. Don't ask me what it is about Wil's paintings tell me. "Now it's up to Wil to discover what it is about his paintings that...." I'd also suggest you be careful of some awkward wording, "his son is in rebellion" felt off to me. Would it be better to see he's rebelling against everything? And the daughter and the "military boy" also sounds off. I think it's the use of the term "boy."

Nancy Naigle said...

EXPIRATION DATE - 94k
Romantic Suspense

EXPIRATION DATE is a Nicolas Sparks meets Carla Neggers read. It has the small town moral compass of a Sparks' community, with the race against time and risk of a deadly misstep of a Neggers' story.

Riley Randalls hires Private Investigator Perry Von to prove her soon-to-be-ex is up to no good, only to find she’s in more danger with his help when a paroled serial-killer targets Riley to even the score of his personal vendetta against Von who put him away.

I'm not sure you need your first paragraph. You are telling me what your book is about and while it's okay to name authors you would compare your work too I think it's a risk as well. If I'm not a Nicolas Sparks fan or even worse, if I really hate one of those authors it's going to be tough for you to get me to read beyond that point. Instead why not simply launch into your hook/plot pitch? Which might need a little pumping up. My biggest concern is that if this is romantic suspense it doesn't feel suspenseful enough. Is the book about her hiring the PI or is it about the serial killer? And why would a serial killer target Riley to get to Von? She's just a client? Right there, in one sentence I immediately have concerns about your plot which can happen in a pitch. All too often I'll read one and think that this story doesn't make sense.

H.L. Dyer said...

Maybe if Beatrice Greyson knew someone faked her death as a child, she wouldn't wish so desperately to remember the first decade of her life.

As a young girl, she collapsed in an unfamiliar house in rural Illinois. No one knew where she came from or how she ended up on war widow Thea Greyson's front porch that stormy night. Thirty years later, Beatrice is devastated by the death of the woman who took her in. But her grief turns to a sense of betrayal when she finds the letter from her birth mother that Thea claimed was lost. Leaving everything behind to search for her birth parents, Beatrice follows the railroad tracks across the Midwest. She never imagined the fate suffered by her parents, but there are darker family secrets. Uncovering them will force her to confront a violent murderer. And maybe miss out on the love of her life.

Your opening line is brilliant! Absolutely perfect. Immediately you sucked me in and, if I wasn't in the mood to read further that could be enough for a request. Well done.  I think this is a great pitch. I read this and know clearly that it's women's fiction. I can see how it's one woman's search to find herself in many ways and I can read your voice in this which I like. A couple of words of caution though, because nothing is ever perfect, some of your wording seems awkward. for example, "She never imagined the fate suffered by her parents, but there are darker family secrets." doesn't make sense. I think you could cut out the sentence before that, about her following the railroad tracks. Instead once you mention that she discovers the letter you need to launch into more of what she learns on the journey. Something along the lines of, "On her search for her birth parents, Beatrice learns the awful secret of their death and the family secrets that now haunt her. Worse yet, she is forced to confront the violent murderer who first took her life from her..." or something along those lines.

Okay, that's all I have in me today. I'm excited about some of these and of course want to remind everyone that a pitch critique is not a submission and we at BookEnds look forward to hearing from all of you.

I'm off to cook the roast beast!

Holiday Critiques #2

Thank you everyone for your kind words. Continental did not come through so we're home for Christmas. I'm over pouting though and looking forward to a different holiday then what I had planned, but something magical nonetheless.

Here's the link to the original post. Once January 5 hits I'm done with critiques so if you want to see the other critiques I've done simply follow through from 1-? (we'll see where we end up).

Have a wonderful holiday, whichever you celebrate and on to the critiques...

Melinda Leigh said...

A gutsy, divorced high school teacher and an emotionally adrift Iraqi war hero confront an internet predator - with some unexpected help from the family ghosts.

85,000 Romantic Suspense with light paranormal elements.

And to answer your question Melinda Leigh, yes it's too short. This is a tag line, but not the pitch. Want to know the difference? The tag line often appears as one eye-catching sentence on the cover of a book. The pitch is, more or less, your back cover blurb. the tag line grabs a reader's attention, the pitch is what makes them want more. This is too vague and too soft. You say this is a romantic suspense, yet I don't feel the suspense in the pitch. This should be less about who the characters are, especially since it's a suspense, and more about what is happening, what the suspense is. Who is the predator stalking and what is he doing that makes it suspenseful? How do the ghosts get involved?

Crystal said...

Siren has a perfect family; two adoring parents, and a sister who teases her, as sisters do. Being Princess of Sylia makes her life perfect. She can do what she pleases and lives a lavish life. The life that is her perfection however, was simply ignorance gifted to her by her Father. Unbeknownst to her, Siren's Father and Mother have both been keeping evil at bay. When this evil takes her parents lives and turns her sister against her, Siren is thrust into the role of Queen. Now quickly, she must learn how to handle ruling an entire kingdom and lead a nation into a war she didn't even know could happen.

Siren Chronicles explores how quickly a human being can mature when they are forced to do so by circumstance and what changes they must go through, both internally and externally to except this change into their lives.

What's difficult here is that the first paragraph feels very awkward to me and would make me concerned that the entire book is awkward. I think you're trying to squeeze too much in. Is it really necessary that we learn how perfect Siren's life is? Isn't it better that we get right into the heart of the conflict? Something more along the lines of, "when evil (what?) destroys Siren's perfect life by killing her parents and turning her sister against her, this once quiet princess is now thrust into the role of Queen and forced to lead a nation to war or...." Obviously that's rough, but I think it gives you a better idea of how you can jump right into a story and grab the reader's attention. As for the second paragraph, dump it. It's useless. I don't ever want to know what themes or message a novel explores. That's not why anyone buys a book, except maybe a parent buying YA to teach a teen something, but that should still come through in the story.

Julian Meteor said...

Doing Honeys - My Autobiography - Julian Meteor

Julian Meteor is somebody EVERYONE wants to BE!!! lol
He sleeps with a DIFFERENT woman every night and is in THE best band - The Argyle Style - in South-West England.
Read and prepare to be VERY jealous!!!!!!! lmao

A pitch like this would never work. Is your book really about you sleeping with a woman every night? I can't imagine anyone would want to read that. Most people read books, and even memoirs to learn about how other succeed despite the struggles they face. You call this an autobiography, I suppose there is technically little difference between an autobiography and a memoir except that unless you are hugely famous (and maybe you are and I just don't know you) it's really a memoir. I think of autobiographies for people like Mick Jagger, Bill Clinton, Margaret Thatcher or Paris Hilton (god help us all). Memoirs are usually the unique stories of everyday people told in a very fiction-like manner. What upsets me most about a pitch like this (and it might be a personal thing) is that you don't seem to take your pitch and therefore my job seriously. I'm not old fashioned and I'm certainly not a prude, but to say something like "read and prepare to be VERY jealous" and especially "lmao" is a bit insulting. It's like applying for a job and saying in your cover letter, "I rock! Hire me!" It just doesn't sound like you really take it seriously enough to understand what it takes to get published or to get the job.

Crimogenic said...

When Katherine Rice’s son is murdered, she doesn’t trust the system to punish the killer because twenty-five before, the same man got away with slaughtering her brother. She hunts for the killer but gets more than she bargains for when she discovers that he’s part of an online network of pedophiles called The Convent. Now Katherine’s dream of fading into oblivion is put on hold as she sets out to rid the world of these child predators.

(Crime Fiction)

This had potential in the sense that the length is perfect and I just thought maybe, maybe this is the perfect one. Unfortunately you're telling and not showing me your story. Wouldn't it be much stronger to say something like, "Katherine Rice is hunting a killer, the same man who (brutally slaughtered?) both her son and her brother twenty-five years earlier. Not trusting a legal system that has failed her before, Katherine stumbles upon The Convent, a network of pedophiles that has..." That could still be stronger, but I hope you get what I'm thinking in terms of making this more active.

Annette Gallant said...

BREAKING ALL THE RULES - Women's Fiction

The last thing Jill Sullivan intends to do is fall for her sexy new co-worker, Andrew Chisholm. She's already committed to Jamie O'Rourke, the son of her father's best friend. He's safe, in need of her support after the sudden death of his parents and is the only boyfriend her family has ever approved of. But one night Andrew kisses Jill on a crowded dance floor, which throws her emotions into complete turmoil. Finding she can no longer deny her feelings for Andrew, Jill becomes increasingly torn and soon realizes she's in love with both men. When she's eventually forced to decide which one, if either, truly owns her heart, Jill discovers that sometimes you have to give up the things you want, in order to gain the one thing you really need.

This pitch, and therefore this book, just doesn't feel that special to me. As it reads here it feels like nothing more then 80,000 or so words about a woman trying to make a decision. What makes it different? What's the hook? Other then the choice of two men what other challenges does she face? It feels to me that you've written the set-up here, but not the real story. The real story is really giving up the things you want is it not? When I read this I thought of movies for some reason, movies like 27 Dresses or Sweet Home Alabama. "Chick Flicks" are almost always girl meets boy love stories and often the girl needs to choose between two men, but what makes it stand out and what differentiates them?

Again, I'm picking these randomly and reading none of them before making a selection. You are certainly welcome to keep posting your pitches until January 3 when I can guarantee I won't be selecting any more. If you do post make sure you do so in the original post from December 19. I am always looking for one that I can say "that's it!" about and will keep you updated.

--Jessica