Zuma (1985)

JoJo Devera’s review from his Sari-Saring Sinneng Pinoy blog:

Jun Raquiza's Zuma (Cine Suerte, Inc., 1985) is a filmic take on the macabre set against the spectra of myth. Raquiza presumably resorts to hybridization to underscore the fact that no one paradigm governs how subjectification come to tentative resolutions. The screenplay places Zuma (Max Laurel) in the center of a murderous rampage after being unearthed by an archeological expedition led by Phillip (Mark Gil) and Isabel (Dang Cecilio). Zuma takes a bride, Galela (Racquel Monteza), a madwoman who bore him Galema (Snooky Serna). Her valiant search for Zuma decisively compels her to appropriate strategies, which, while these may excise the demonic curse, place her on new grounds of containment. It is interesting to note how Galema shifts her practice from the clandestine acts of killing, which substantially threaten the conventions of social cohesion, to the assumption of the public role of woman. Such a shift informs much of the ambivalence sustaining the destiny of a social subject who must straddle multiple positions in private and public spheres, as monster, woman, heroine, villainess. The possibilities of creation within the constraints of gender and class relations nourish the terrain in which Zuma takes root, foregrounding the capacities of horror in discussing the ambivalent discourses involved in the construction of modern women and their specific situations.

Zuma attains a degree of difficulty and therefore solicits significant artistic interest. It is interesting because it is sensitive to dimensions. A story of a demigod entombed in an aztec pyramid that shocks a couple of archaeologists out of their wits is only one dimension. For around this plot is the real history that is repressed by a seemingly comfortable order. It is the tale of the son of an Aztec serpent God who rips out and eats the hearts of young women. It is this sediment of life that is embodied in this ancient architecture, which is represented not in realistic terms but but in terms that prompt the moviegoer to construe it as a nightmare, a hell into which the innocent is lured, an irrational and impossible place which could only be made contingent on fiction to render it necessarily real. It is this real that differs from the lives of Phillip and Isabel represented luminously by the poreless and seemingly vacant face of Mark Gil and the cluelessness of Dang Cecilio. This sort of reality is vexed until the protagonist is faced with the horror of making a decision to face the creature. That the daughter, the specter of history persist to haunt the apopleptic couple deepens Zuma's dimension. The film is able to maximize the creative powers of Philippine cinema and culture by infusing powerful metaphors and allegories into the concept of blood ties as site of struggle. Zuma vividly translates into film medium, these distillations, produce a mise-en-scene and a rhythm momentum that hack the imperatives of social contestations which, because intelligently horrific, is very cinematic.

Review from the Internet Movie Database:

I was drawn in by the sight of the title character in pictures. He's a tall bald guy with a snake on either shoulder (or is it a two headed snake wrapped around his shoulders?) Sometimes I should just not be so curious.

The plot has some people discovering a buried pyramid. A group of them go into explore. A woman in the group, off on her own sees something get out of a crypt and leave the pyramid. When the group investigates they find nothing, only bodies outside. Soon after this Zuma, the guy from the crypt and who is a tall bald green guy with really big snakes on his shoulders, comes across a camping couple. He sets poisonous snakes on the man and then rapes and makes a slave of the woman. Bodies begin to pile up as the woman and Zuma, sporting a trench coat and a very large straw hat begin to eat their way across the country side. Zuma is captured and the woman is thrown in to prison. The military not standing on ceremony locks the green man in a cage and then fires several hundred rounds from a machine gun at him. When that doesn't work, they blast him with cannon fire and end up burying him in an avalanche. Where most movies would fade out at that point Zuma is only getting started, its only been 35 minutes and there is still 90 more to go.

Truly one of the wildest movies I've ever seen, this is is a long movie that never seems to end. Zuma returns, there's a child, years pass and we get to see one of the worst wigs in movie history. Its a dense, often talky movie that wears out its welcome after a short time. As I watched this I kept hoping that there would be a commercial or two to break up he monotony. I'm completely unfamiliar with the comic its based upon, but I'm forced to wonder if it was really necessary to compress the entire run into 125 minutes.

Zuma has an interesting look. The snakes on his shoulders are clearly mechanical, however considering when and where tit was done its actually quite good.

Over all this is not something you really want to waste your time on. If you run across it take a pass. If you really must see Zuma in action then see if you can find the trailer on line or if you can talk your way into borrowing it from some sucker who owns a copy.

Joseph Estrada filmography 1975 to present

JOSEPH ESTRADA Filmography 1975-present

1975 - Ang Nobya Kong Sexy (Lea Productions)

[release date 30th January 1975]

Director Cesar “Chat” Gallardo Story/Screenplay Antonio S. Mortel Music Jose Mari Chan Cinematography “Freddie”/Fredy Conde, Fortunato Bernardo

Cast Joseph Estrada, Gloria Diaz, Paquito Diaz, Nympha Bonifacio, Subas Herrero, Mary Walter, Ruben Rustia, Jun Mariano, Marian Samson, Pedro Faustino, Pancho Pelagio, Fred Param, Robert Talby, Arturo Moran, SOS Daredevils

1975 - Hit And Run (Roda Films)

[release date 8th March 1975]

Director Pablo Santiago Producer R.T.L.Music D’Amarillo Cinematography Jose Batac Jr Editor Augusto Salvador Sound Supervisor Manuel Daves

Cast Joseph Estrada, Elizabeth Oropesa, Jun Aristorenas, Zaldy Zshornack, Trixia Gomez, Paquito Diaz, Dencio Padilla, Van De Leon, Jose Romulo, Roderick Paulate, Ding Salvador, Jose Vergara, Resty Sandel, Avel Morado, Mandy Bustamante, Johnny Rio, Belo Borja, Lito Calzado, Angel Confiado, Rey Tomenes, Fil Lizarondo, Nestor Brillantes, SOS Daredevils, TNT Boys, Lynn Gomez, Cesar Ramirez, Jose Garcia, Jessie Lee, Malou de Leon

1975 – Dugo At Pag-Ibig Sa Kapirasong Lupa (Bravo Film Productions)

[release date 12th June 1975]

Episode Three: Director Armando Herrera Music Tito Arevalo Cinematography Sergio Lobo Producer Doming Bravo

Cast Fernando Poe Jr, Joseph Estrada, Vilma Santos, Gina Alajar, Nora Aunor, Mary Walter

1975 - Counter Kill (JE Productions)

[release date 30th July 1975]

Director Augusto Buenaventura Executive Producer Joseph Estrada Music Ernani Cuenco Cinematography Fredy Conde

Cast Joseph Estrada, Tara Fonseca, Rudy Fernandez, Karin Kwan, Subas Herrero, Paquito Diaz, Rudy Genasky, Vic Silayan

1975 - Diligin Mo Ng Hamog Ang Uhaw Na Lupa/“Water With Dew This Parched Earth” (JE Productions)

Release date 22nd September 1975]

Director Augusto Buenaventura Screenplay Augusto Buenaventura, Diego Cagahastian Executive Producer Joseph Estrada Cinematography Fredy Conde, Fortunato Bernardo Music Ernani Cuenco Editor Edgardo “Boy” Vinarao

Cast Joseph Estrada, Gloria Diaz, Paquito Diaz, Vic Silayan, Tommy Abuel, Subas Herrero, Ernie Zarate, Karim Kiram, Paquito Salcedo, Francisco Cruz, Carpi Asturias, Minerva

1975 - Battle Of The Champions (Cubao Cinema)

[release date 11th October 1975]

Director Butch Bautista

Cast Fernando Poe Jr, Joseph Estrada

1975 - Huwag Mo Akong Paandaran (Metropolitan Films)

[release date 22nd November 1975]

Director Leonardo Velasco Uy Screenplay J. Tirazona Cinematography M. dela Pena

Cast Joseph Estrada, Tugak, Anthony Velasco, Charlie Davao, Golay

1976 - Hoy Mister, Ako Ang Misis Mo/“Hey Mister, I Am Your Wife” (JE Productions)

[release date 16th January 1976]

Director Cesar Gallardo Producer Joseph Estrada Music Fortunato Bernardo Music Ernani Cuenco

Cast Paquito Diaz, Carlos Padilla Jr, Anita Linda, Quiel Segivia

1976 - Alas Singko Ng Hapon, Gising Na Ang Mga Anghel (JE Productions)

[also listed as “Alas 5:00 Ng Hapon, Gising Na Mga Anghel”; release date 17th April 1976]

Executive Producer Joseph Estrada

1976 - Bago Lumamig Ang Sabaw (Lea Productions)

Release date 25th June 1976]

Director Luciano B. Carlos

Cast Joseph Estrada, Nida Blanca

1976 – Buhay At Pag-Ibig Ni Boy Zapanta/ “The Life And Loves Of Boy Zapanta” (Pentagon Films)

[release date 2nd July 1976]

Director Armando Ruiz David Cinematography Felizardo Bailen

Cast George Estregan, Philip Gamboa, Fe Galvez, Elizabeth Perez, Joseph Estrada, Paquito Diaz

1976 - Arrest The Nurse Killer (JE Productions)

[release date 25th December 1976]

Director Cesar “Chat” Gallardo Screenplay Nestor Torre Jr Executive Producer Joseph Estrada Music Ernani Cuenco Cinematography Fortunado Bernardo

Cast Joseph Estrada, Pilar Pilapil, Marilyn Heras, Garret Blake, J.C. Marshall, Debbie Brinson, Melinda Molina, Joe C. Reyes, Janice Egan, Judie McGraw, Wendy Fields, Pascl? Sheppard, Linda Taucher, Vicki Ness, Anita Linda, Evelyn Loreto, Lito Carmelo

1977 - Sa Dulo Ng Cris (Ruben Canoy Productions)

[release date 16th March 1977]

Director Cesar Amigo Screenplay R. Canoy, J. Amigo Cinematography Fredy Conde Music Ernani Cuenco

Cast Joseph Estrada, Vic Vargas

1977 - Huwag Mong Dungisan Ang Pisngi Ng Langit (JE Productions)

[release date 28th October 1977]

Director/Screenplay Augusto Buenaventura Executive Producer Joseph Estrada Music Ernani Cuenco Cinematography Fredy Conde

Cast Joseph Estrada, Alma Moreno

1977 - Bakya Mo Neneng (JE Productions)

[release date 26th December 1977]

Director Augusto Buenaventura Writers Augusto Buenaventura, Diego Cagahastian Music Ernani Cuenco Cinematography Fredy Conde Editor Edgardo “Boy” Vinarao Art Director V. Bonus

Cast Joseph Estrada, Nora Aunor, Tirso Cruz III, Gloria Sevilla, Angelo Castro Jr, Ramon D’Salva, Angelo Ventura, Romy Medalla, Ernie Zarate, Olivia Sanchez, Ernie Ortega, Boyet Orca, Francisco Cruz, Paquito Salcedo

1978 – Magkaaway (D’Wonder Films)

[release date 25th March 1978]

Director Augusto Buenaventura Screenplay Augusto Buenaventura, Diego Cagahastian Music Ernani Cuenco Cinematography Hermo U. Santos

Cast Joseph Estrada, Nino Muhlach, Susan Valdez, Lito Anzures, Romeo Rivera

1978 - Yakuza Contract (JE Productions/Bancom Audiovision Corporation)

[release date 22nd September 1978]

Director Cesar “Chat” Gallardo Screenplay Diego Cagahastian Executive Producer Joseph Estrada Music Ernani Cuenco Cinematography Fredy Conde

Cast Joseph Estrada, Trixia Gomez, Charlie Davao, Martha Sevilla, Maricel Soriano, Kuneo Sasaki, Shohie Watanabe, Kiyoaki Takahashi, Hideo Murakami, Koji Sakamoto, Mike Cohen, Chris Stuttard, Audie Daquiz

1978 – Tatak Ng Tundo (FPJ Productions)

[release date 9th December 1978]

Director “Ronwaldo Reyes”/Fernando Poe Jr Screenplay Pablo S. Gomez Producer Fernando Poe Jr Music Ernani J. Cuenco Cinematography Ben Lobo

Cast Fernando Poe Jr, Joseph Estrada, Anna Marin, April Cezar, Divina Valencia, Paquito Diaz, Van de Leon, Anita Linda, Dencio Padilla, Nello Nayo, Victor Bravo, Vic Varrion, Virginia Montes, Ven Medina, Nonoy de Guzman, Ed Ramos, Thunder Stuntmen, Max Alvarado, Dranreb, Bentot Jr

1979 - Okey Lang, Basta't Kapiling Kita (JE Productions/Bancom Audiovisual Corp)

[release date 24th March 1979]

Director Augusto Buenaventura Screenplay Augusto Buenaventura, Diego Cagahastian Executive Producer Joseph Estrada Music Ernani Cuenco Cinematography Fredy Conde

Cast Joseph Estrada, Pinky de Leon, Rosemarie Gil, Vic Silayan, Dave Brodett, Zeneida Amador, Bobby Ledesma, Ernie Zarate, Martha Sevilla

1979 - Warrant Of Arrest (JE Productions)

[release date 7th September 1979]

Director Augusto Buenaventura Screenplay Augusto Buenaventura, Diego Cagahastian Executive Producer Joseph Estrada Music Ernani Cuenco Cinematography Fredy Conde

Cast Joseph Estrada, Boots Anson-Roa, Paquito Diaz, Ernie Zarate, Nitoy Escano, George Gerald, Aloha Ejercito, Ruel Vernal, Ruben Rustia, Nello Nayo

1979 - Mamang Sorbetero (JE Productions)

[release date 25th December 1979]

Director Augusto Buenaventura Screenplay Augusto Buenaventura, Diego Cagahastian Executive Producer Joseph Estrada Music Ernani Cuenco Cinematography Fredy Conde

Cast Joseph Estrada, Celeste Legaspi, Rod Navarro, Dencio Padilla, Subas Herrero, Quiel Segovia, Vic Sotto, Veronica Palileo, Herbert Bautista, Ford Elorde, Sammy Padilla

1980 – Hoy, Tukso, Layuan Mo Ako (JE Productions)

[release date 25th April 1980]

Director Augusto Buenaventura Screenplay Augusto Buenaventura, Diego Cagahastian Executive Producer Joseph Estrada Cinematography Fredy Conde Music Ernani Cuenco

Cast Joseph Estrada, Bentot Jr, Eva Eugenio, Gina Alajar

1981 - Kumander Alibasbas (JE Productions)

Release date 29th May 1981]

Director Augusto Buenaventura Story Freddie Aguilar Screenplay Enrique Dimacali Executive Producer Joseph Estrada Music Ernani Cuenco Sound Danilo Salvador Editor Edgardo “Boy” Vinarao

Cast Joseph Estrada, Perla Bautista, Suzette Ranillo, Paquito Diaz, Ruel Vernal, Ruben Rustia, Angelo Ventura, Dave Brodette, Arturo Moran, Angelo Castro Jr, Ernie Ortega, Jun Soler, Boyet Orca, Tonet Toledo, Mon Godiz

1982 - Pedring Taruc (JE Productions)

[release date 27th August 1982]

Director/Writer Augusto Buenaventura Executive Producer Joseph Estrada Cinematography Fredy Conde Music Ernani Cuenco

Cast Joseph Estrada, Ronaldo Valdez, Coney Reyes-Mumar

1982 - Lalake Ako (JE Productions)

[release date 22nd October 1982]

Executive Producer Joseph Estrada Production Manager JoAnn Cabalda Banaga

Cast George Estregan

1983 – Macho-Nurin (JE Productions)

[release date 10th March 1983]

Director Augusto Buenaventura Screenplay Augusto Buenaventura, Joji Vitug Executive Producer Joseph Estrada Cinematography Fredy Conde Music Ernani Cuenco

Cast Joseph Estrada, Gloria Diaz, Angelo Castro Jr

1984 - Bangkang Papel Sa Dagat Ng Apoy (Cine Suerte Inc)

[release date 8th June 1984]

Director/Screenplay Edgardo M. Reyes Executive Producer Benjamin G. Yalung Producers Horace Yalung, Rene Yalung, Romy Yalung Cinematography Fredy Conde Music Ernani Cuenco Assistant Director Boy Soquerata Production Manager Emil de Guzman General Production Manager Rudy Yalung Title Design Ramje Sound Mixer Cesar Lucas Sound Effects Tony Gosalvez Publicity/Promotions Ross F. Celino Jr Assistant Editors Ferren Salumbides, Jay Jacinto, Jing Casinao 2nd Unit Cameramen Totoy Jacinto, Luis Chiong, Justo Paulino

Cast Joseph Estrada, Laarni Enriquez, Paquito Diaz, Rez Cortez, Angelo Castro Jr, Raoul Aragon, Chito Ponce Enrile, Dave Brodett, Mia Gutierrez, Ruben Rustia, Angie Ferro, Johnny Ysmael Jr, Marilyn Bautista, Robert Rovera, Baldo Marro, Tonet Toledo, Dante Abadeza, Joey Padilla, Virginia Brakos, Pat Salvador, Jennifer Scott, Robert Miller, Edwin Reyes, Marc Joseph, Art Veloso, Brando Navarro, Del Estrella, Rey Tomenes, Tony Martinez, Reggie Viron, Robby Oreo, Ernie David, Giants Movie Stuntmen, Vulture Stuntmen, Rago “Apollo” Stuntmen, Scorpio Movie Players

1985 - Order To Kill (Amazaldy Films)

[release date 15th August 1985]

Director/Screenplay Augusto Buenaventura Cinematography Fredy Conde Music Ernani Cuenco Editor Edgardo “Boy” Vinarao Sound C. Lucas Art Director Gabby Francisco

Cast Joseph Estrada, Vivian Velez, Eddie Garcia, Bomber Moran, Fred Montilla, Suzanne Gonzales, Nona Herrera, Angelo Castro Jr, Sonny Erang, Fanny Serrano, Ernie Ortega, Mon Godiz, Robert Miller

1985 – Markang Rehas: Ikalawang Aklat (King Roy Film Productions)

[release date unknown]

CAN’T READ CREW

Cast Jinggoy Estrada, Lani Mercado, Marissa Del Mar, Marissa Delgado, Anita Linda, George Estregan, Ernie Ortega, Amay Bisaya, Victor Bravo, Mario Escudero, Nesty Santiago, Avel Morado, Robert Talby, Robert Miller, Alex Bolado, Martin Vitug [uncredited] Joseph Estrada, Fernando Poe Jr

1989 - Sa Kuko Ng Agila/ “In The Claws Of An Eagle” (Richfilm/JE Productions)

[release date 5th July 1989]

Director Augusto Buenaventura Writer Ricky Lee Executive Producer Joseph Estrada Cinematography Fredy Conde Music Jaime Fabregas Editor Edgardo “Boy” Vinarao Sound Rolly Ruta

Cast Joseph Estrada, Nikki Coseteng, Tommy Abuel, Laurice Guillen, Paquito Diaz, Subas Herrero, Ruben Rustia, Maria Isabel Lopez, Lara Melissa de Leon, Jinggoy Estrada, Ilonah Jean

Zuma II: Hell Serpent (1987)

1987 – Zuma II: Hell Serpent (Cine Suerte Inc)

[Philippines release date 9th October 1987, original title “Anak Ni Zuma”/“Daughter Of Zuma”]

Director/Executive Producer Ben “M7”Yalung Story Jim Fernandez based on his Aliwan Komik strip Screenplay Ben “M7” Yalung, Tony A. Calvento Producer Horace “M2” Yalung Supervising Producer Rene “M4” Yalung Music Venancio Saturno Cinematography Ernesto “Boy” Dominguez, Alfonso Alvarez, Ver Reyes Editors Augusto Salvador, Joe Solo Special Effects Tony Gozalves Makeup Artist Tita Dominguez Production Manager Louie Mico Assistant Directors Santiago Garcia, Buddy Dator Production Head/Advertising Manager Tony A. Calvento General Manager Raul Bagatsing Assistant Makeup Flor Navarro Setting/Props Department Lando Enriquez, Mario de Guzman, Boogie de Guzman Mechanical Snake Operators Ismael Budiongan, Ed Marcelino, Herbert Hernandez Effectsman Czar “Bakal” Abejuela Post Production Manager Julie Viray Schedule Master Edmond Cruz Titles/Opticals Rolly Santiago Optical Operator Boy Quilatan Optical Assistant Egay Marcelo Sound Mixer Albert Rimas Stills Wilmore Barruelo, Oscar Barruelo Service Drivers Zeus Mangabat, Andy Razon, Bogart Villanueva Assistant Editors Ernesto Jacinto, Ciriaco Item Dubbing Editor Ernesto Jacinto Loopers Rudy Dumlao, Ramon Escamillan Dubbers Pepsi Guerrero, Olive Madridejos, Bobby Borjal, Liz Santia, Myrna, Nelia, Ronnie

CSI Unit I Assistant Camera Mel Dapilus Camera Lifter Bernabe Valdez Clapper Mark Balibalita Soundman Rudy Teope Boom Man Chito Almusen Electrician Cesario Abulok Crew Gilberto Villaverde, Eden Pobe Unit Bus Driver Paquito Relliega

CSI Unit II Assistant Cameraman Roy Sangco Camera Lifter Ben Villaverde Soundman Elpidio Mariscotes Boom Man Miguel Curran Clapper Juanito Romano Electrician Jimmy Abalos Crew Rudy Vergara, Marting, Bogart Villanueva

Cast Max Laurel (Zuma), Dang Cecilio (Isabel), Rey 'PJ' Abellana (Morgan), Lorraine Schuck, Mark Gil (Philip), Jenny Lyn (Galema), Sonny Erang (Dino), Sharon Hughes, Florian Bernabe, Rene Hawkins, Marilyn Bautista, Ernie Zarate, Buddy Dator, Ver Pineda, Ronnie Olivar, Nato Tanchingco, Bert Garon

Review from the Internet Movie Database:

The big screen adaptation of the most widely read Filipino comic book, it's a cheesy production that grossed big in the local box office. The special effects are crude and low-budget, but the mass of snakes are real! Editing is choppy and the acting is terrible.

Basic plot is the green bald man with the snakes on his shoulders (Zuma) fights the military and police, while his daughter (Galema) chases him to put an end to his killing spree. Zuma is finally flushed out of his lair by Galema into a battalion of soldiers, where one shot from a tank fells him. The final scene leaves room for a third sequel (the original movie being "Zuma"), which I understand is being developed.

Review:

This is one of those films that you just sit back and watch and enjoy all the madness coming at you from the screen. To list all of the hilarious things with this film would take far longer than we have here. We have obviously fake snakes hanging around the necks of Zuma and his daughter. The grandson of Zuma is really a hilariously bad costume with some huge rubber mask set-up stuck on top of some guy's head. He also has a rubber tail that he has to wear as well. The monsters in the cave are all obvious rubber masks as can be seen in the close-up shots. This only scratches the surface of the craziness of this film. You've got to love a villain who cackles with glee every time he does something. Even without subtitles, this film is well worth watching.

Secret Of The Incas' Empire (1987)

1987 – The Secret Of The Incas’ Empire (Cine Suerte Inc/Effe Kappa S.r.l.)

[Original Italian title “Alla Ricerca Dell'Impero Sepolto”]

Director/Producer “Frank Kramer”/Gianfranco Parolini Story/Screenplay “Frank Kramer”/Gianfranco Parolini, Gualberto Sanchez Alvino Based on the novel “Secret Of The Buried Kingdom” by Gualberto Sanchez Alvino Associate Producers “Benny”/Ben G. Yalung, Nick Jordan Music “Walt Ritz”/Walter Rizzati Cinematography “William”/Guglielmo Mancori Cameraman “Marius”/Mario Sbrenna Editor M. Lee Master Art Director Oskar d'Amici Production Manager “Ignacius”/Ignazio Dolce Production Coordinators Tiny Romero, Lito Lopez Assistant Camera “Adrian”/Adriano Mancori Dialogue Consultant John Gayford Stunts Jerry Bailey, Ronnie Patterson, Ramon Jimenez, Nandy Zialcita, Judy Brown, William Romero, Mike Villareal, Brando Navarro Costumes Simone Debbas Special Effects Renato Abadeza Wardrobe Chief Alex Argente Chief Grip Robert Emmy Chief Gaffer Joel Caneta Set Dresser Romy Mabutal Make-Up Adonella de Rossi Continuity Phoebe Mateo Interpreter Edoardo Bong Ilano Chief Constructor Luciano D’Achille Carpenters Renato Mediarito, Asterio Rodriguez, Leonardo Mediarto Color Lab Luciano Vittori

Cast “Conrad Nichols”/Luigi Mezzanotte ('Inca Man' Bradbury), Kelly London (Linda Logan), Vassilli Karis (Angel Lansky), Ann Karin, Lyka Ugarte, Max Laurel, “J. Francis Scott”/Gianfranco Parolini (Prof. Alexis Xristopoulos), Frank Vitale (Professor Rivera), John Peebes (Inca), Willy Morales (Noah), Vangie Labalan (Innkeeper), Sonny Crane (Atienza), Rago Apollo (Executioner), Larry Silva (Brutus), Steve Alcarado (Celeiro), Florence Carvajal (Rose), Marilyn Bautista (Missionary Girl), Ben Imperial (Old Quechua Chief)

Review from the Monster Hunter website:

At long last it can be revealed! The startling secret of the Incas’ empire has been hidden from the eyes of the white man for a millennia! Now, thanks to the unceasing efforts of Professor Bradbury and his sidekick, Linda Logan, the entire world will know what has been concealed beneath the volcano deep in Incan country, wherever the hell that is! Is it an untold wealth of fabulous jewels? Tons of shiny, kick ass gold knick knacks? A fountain of youth that gives all who taste from its refreshing pool eternal life? Any of those would be pretty snazzy to be sure! If the secret of the Incas’ empire sucked!

Which it doesn’t! Because why would you go to all the effort to keep something sucky like a lost ark or some other overhyped doodad secret? The Incas knew exactly what they were doing when they made sure that only those with the smarts and courage to survive the plastic alligators and avalanche of foam boulders would uncover their most prized treasure! And that treasure would be an organ!

But not just any organ! An organ like you might have been able to buy at a mall in the late 1970s! And it came with a freaking bench! Yeah, the Holy Grail is pretty awesome, but it’s not like you have any place to sit down while you’re admiring it! If you got tired of standing after finding it, you’d probably have to sit on the floor of some dusty cave! Once again, the Incans prove to be far more advanced than we ever imagined!

But what would be awesome about a holy organ if there was no one to play it? The Incas thought of this, too! That’s why there’s a guy dressed up in a ratty bird costume who tickles the ivories at dramatic moments throughout the film! I know, I know, so far the Incas’ Secret Stash I’ve described only sounds like half of The Captain And Tennille and without even the sea captain’s cap! The Incas thought of that also though! That’s why Birdman can shoot lasers out of his eyes! It’s like if Elton John was an X-Men!

Like all great adventures that end up in an underground temple where the Incan Billy Joel is holding court, getting there isn’t easy. In fact, it’s downright painful! Especially for the viewer! The first hour of the movie alone is enough to ward off all but the hardiest souls, even those trained up on toxic Italian Indiana Jones clones like The Mines Of Kilimanjaro and Mark Of The Scorpion! The distinct lack of entertaining action combined with a story that was just as mysterious as the Incas’ big secret will no doubt leave many nonbelievers on the side of the road fast asleep!

If you battle the odds, grit your teeth, and fight back the urge to kill yourself though, you’ll find that we’ve got your basic treasure map being pursued by bad guys situation. The bad guys chase the good guys around the jungle which must be a pretty small jungle since the good guys are always escaping and the bad guys never have any trouble locating them again. Attacks by fake gators, an encounter with a truck full of whores, and a run in with the guardian of the temple who worships an idol with a boner highlight things.

The movie makes a valiant effort in the last thirty minutes to deliver on its lost temple promise by having our heroes battling Birdman while everything is exploding around them. The girl gets herself tied up under a giant press-like thing that threatens to crush her and it’s only after Birdman somehow falls down some stairs into the underground lake that Professor Bradbury can set about rescuing her. The movie does show an admirable amount of self-awareness when the girl complains about how long it’s taking him to save her and he reminds her that he isn’t Indiana Jones! Really? No wonder you looked more like Conrad Nichols from Days Of Hell and Thor The Conqueror than Harrison Ford!

Director Gianfranco Parolini (Samson, Sabata, Five For Hell) returns to direct his final feature after taking ten years off and proves that those ten years when he wasn’t making movies were good not just for him, but for the rest of us as well! An ugly, poorly shot affair that never explained much and relied on the girl falling into various places to move the story along (and forced her and her boyfriend to unconvincingly roll down tunnels to simulate something approaching action), The Secret Of The Incas’ Empire does sport those “special” moments you’re no doubt searching for like so much lost Incan piano-related treasure.

There’s the time Professor Bradbury explains that he’s able to throw things with a great deal of accuracy because he used to be a relief pitcher for the Dodgers. And who would even try to forget the stunningly hilarious final moments of the film that gives us slow motion for no reason, but then manages to make us forget how dumb that was by having the end of the movie turn into a really bad painting! There’s even a couple of panty shots for you dirty birds out there, too! A sword fight between the muscled-up temple guardian and the good guy where our hero also manages to use an umbrella should give you an idea of what to expect out of this one. Once you see it, there’s no way you’ll want to keep this secret!