James Bone: Agent 001 (1986)

1986 – James Bone: Agent 001 (Jonrox Films/Larry Santiago Productions)

[Release date unknown]

Director/Fight Instructor Ruben Ramos Story Willie Deato Screenplay/Associate Director Ric Acasio Producer “Umo” Line Producer Verseo Octavo Cinematography Rudy Quijano Music Ding Lamano Editor Samuel Domondon Sound Technician Tony Faustino Sound Effects Ben Samson Production Supervisor/General Manager Ricky Santiago Production Manager Wilfredo Mendoza Production Controller Simie Dolano Production Consultant Mennen Santiago In Charge of Administration Rosanna Manalaysay Art Designer Nilda Rendaje Effectsman Adis San Pedro Makeup Ester Cayabyas Settingman Mamerto Valerio Clapper Jessie Quijano Assistant Cameraman Rodel Quijano Head Driver Ruben Bitancor Utility Allan Paradero Material Trustee Rex Romero PRO Tino Vellya Caterer Esperanza Agang Dubbing Editors Arceno Collado, Danny Collado Stillman Tony Roxas Legman Raul Segarra Layout Eddie Domer Credit Titles Lauro Romero Sales Manager Ador Baligaya Account Executive Jomar Laurel Advertising Manager Jay Torres Accountant Jun Gahutan Collector Joselito Exito Shipping in Charge Ramon Soriano Shipper Boy Faustino  

Cast Palito (James Bone), Melissa Mendez (Sabrina), Charlie Davao (Viller), Joaquin Fajardo (Crooked Finger), Don Pepot (Scientist), Ruben Ramos (Swordsman), Eddie Llaneta (Boy Macho), Clarissa Mojer (Odessa), Jon Jon, Komander Jack Angels Liza Mojica, Fe Timbol, Mary Joy Warren, Femmy Mojica, Rizza Borja, Jessica Fabros, Marte Mojica, Camea Amor, Rona Denaga Goons Romy Nario, Joe Andrade, Larry Esguerra, Torling, “Rolland”/Roland Falcis, Jay Grama, Boy Sta. Ana, Cris Aguilar, Leo Gamboa, Robert Allan, Jess Bonzo, Benny May, Boy Panai, Tony Roxas, Omay Rivera, Geron Vega, Sir William, George Tormeda, Cesar de Paz, Bobo Cruz, Tonton Kishanni, Dalton de Castro, Boy Bernal, Jun Silda, Peddy May

Review by Andrew Leavold:

Like many older comedians from the Vaudeville era, stick-thin Palito traded on his startling appearance, along with a stock of facial ticks, grimaces and smutty wordplay, and in turn etched his features into the rockface of Pinoy pop culture. When he passed away in 2010 from lung cancer aged 76, there was a genuine sense of sadness over his passing, as if a small piece of the Philippines' collective film psyche had vanished into the ether forever. For Palito was truly a veteran of hundreds of Filipino comedies and action films from the mid-Sixties, a regular bit-player in films alongside Dolphy, Chiquito, Tito Vic and Joey, Fernando Poe Jr, Nino Muhlach, Redford White and many others, and a memorably meatless face with pronounced cheekbones and sunken eyes often registering a look of pure bewilderment, to count upon for a scene or two of regulation "funny business".

 Bone cops a feel mid-massage...

The most vivid recurring mental image of Palito amongst Filipino filmgoers is that of a walking corpse: bone-white, in a funeral shroud and bandage wrapped around his jaw. The schtick is remembered today as if it was freshly minted. I remember interviewing Palito in 2007 when comedian Amay Bisaya interrupted and rolled off a checklist of patented Palito cliches: "How are you, Mr Palito? Are you still dead? Are you living in the cemetery?" Unfortunately for Palito, his level of public recognition could no longer be converted into paid movie work. Towards the end he barely scraped by with a living wage, working a weeknight gig playing congas at a casino in Santa Cruz, and cadging bus money from anyone who would take the time to buy him a cup of coffee. "Producers have given him a large amount of money," other out of work actors would tell me, sensing a conspiracy of pathetic proportions, "he's only pretending to be poor." They believed every word! Nevertheless his wife and children was virtually penniless when he died - was Palito keeping his rolls of unspent cash stashed in his congas, perhaps? - and went public asking for donations for hospital bills for his final hospital stay. Poor, sweet, fragile man.

Back in Palito's heyday in the Eighties, it was possible for him to shoot scenes for three or four movies in a single day, changing costumes in the back of jeepneys as he tore from one set to the next. A substantial role alongside pale-skinned comedian Redford White in his Rambo ripoff Johnny Rambo Tango (1985) led to top-billing a handful of comedies in the mid to late Eighties, starting with two more Stallone/First Blood riffs, Ram-Buto ("Ram-Bone", 1986) and, in another skeletal dig, No Blood No Surrender (1986). The were cheap, goofy, and appeared at the peak of the Pinoy Parody craze, proving the local producers' old adage "when you're onto a winning horse, beat it to death, and quickly". Barely as soon as the end credits faded, No Blood No Surrender's company Jonrox Films and distributor Larry Santiago Productions commissioned a further Palito starrer, this time as a beanpole secret agent: James Bone, Agent 001. No Blood's writer, bald goon actor Ruben Ramos, was promoted to the director's chair, presiding over a budget even more wretched that the film could've been projected on the wooden slats of a chicken house and still not lose money.

James Bone's talking car. KITT it ain't.

In the opening scene, a crime boss is gunned down by an unseen assassin. As a result, three underworld rivals meet to argue over who will be the next Godfather. The chubby and sweaty Crooked Finger (Joaquin Fajardo) and Boy Macho (Eddie Llaneta) are about to set their goons on each other, when the gorgeous Sabrina (Melissa Mendez) suggests a contest, the winner brings in the Syndicate's biggest headache: James Bone, Secret Agent 001. Debonair in his bone-tight silk suit, James is the country's top crime fighter, a ladies man AND karate expert with no need for any visible gadgets other than a talking Datsun (thank you Knight Rider!). Even though he lives with his mother, he manages to bring one wide-eyed young lady back to his boudoir. "You might be hospitalized out of shock with what I've got," he warns her, before taking off his bath robe. "Can you handle this?" Apparently not, as she takes one glance at his naked crotch and passes out on the bed. 

 Head Goons: Crooked Finger (Joaquin Fajardo) and Boy Macho (Eddie Llaneta)

 

 "Waaaaaaaah!!!"

With Ramos - former stuntman and character actor in over twenty years of action films, at the helm of James Bone, you'll understand just how the term "Goon Comedy" applies to much of the Philippines' comic output: equal amounts of bona fide goon-centric action scenes to comedy, if not more. In James Bone, it translates into one endless fight scene after another, as waves of goons - first Crooked Finger's, then Boy Macho's - are thrown at the hapless, befuddled Bone, giving as much screen time needed for the audience to fully gawp at his unfeasibly skinny frame going through its gyrations. Naturally he has some serious body armour to protect his ribs and twig arms, as well as a bag of dirty tricks such as poking one bodybuilder's eyes out, then punching them in the crotch; in another scene, Bone punches a goon, they drop to the floor, and Palito suddenly grabs his broken hand and cries out, "Waaaaaaaah!!!"

 Bone puts the squeeze on director Ruben Ramos

Weng Weng fans will remember Ruben Ramos as the bald goon sitting on a bed, complaining how Yehlen Catral his gang had bungled a hit on Agent OO: "Now you'll get a bullet in your belly, Lola…this is it, kid!" Ramos naturally puts in appearance waving around a samurai sword in front of Palito in a warehouse punchup, and Romy Nario, another For Y'ur Height Only baddy ("There's a lot of dough in this dough…the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker!") plays one of Boy Macho's henchmen. Other guest stars also get their ten minutes: top-billed Charlie Davao, ever the convincing contrabida, fences with the unbleeding Bone, while Don Pepot as a scientist tries to sell Bone a pair of x-ray specs at a beerhouse, and their scene degenerates quickly into two aging vaudevillians snickering over naked people making out. Comedy Gold? Mould, more like, and the rest of the film is covered in dense matting of it too. But if you are capable of not only buying into Palito's well-worn schtick, but also peeking past the spectacle into the heart of a sad clown, fragile man and genuinely funny entertainer, then you too will love the sight of an anorexic beating up the ever-rolling Goon Parade as much as I do. Gold.

The Filipino Batmen

1965 – Alyas Batman At Robin (D’Lanor Productions)

[Release date 25th May 1965]

Director Paquito Toledo Based on the Horror Komiks serial by Romy Espiritu, Marcelo Isidro Producer Fernando Poe Jr

Cast Bob Soler (Batman), Lou Salvador Jr (Robin), Nova Villa, Marion Douglas, Oscar Keesee, Nello Nayo, Pablo Virtuoso, Joe Garcia, Mary Walter, Angel Buenaventura, Vic Uematsu, Diego Guerrero

1966 - James Batman (Sampaguita Pictures) DETAILS HERE

1967 - Batman Fights Dracula (Lea Productions/Fidelis Productions) 1967

[Release date 3rd June 1967; also listed as “Baty and Roby Against Crime”]

Director Leody M. Diaz Writer Bert R. Mendoza Music Tony Maiquez

Cast Jing Abalos (Batman/Bruce Wayne), Dante Rivero (Dracula), Vivian Lorrain (Marita Banzon), Rolan Robles (Ruben), Ramon D'Salva (Dr. Zerba), Nort Nepomuceno (Turko), Angel Confiado, Ruben Ramos, Greg Lansang, Tina Lava, Lope Policarpio, Sai Betsadya, Jeanette Gonzalez, Rudy Dominguez, Marcelo Bernardo, Eddie Castro, Buddy de Jesus, [uncredited] Johannes Christof von Heinsburg (Mevik)

1972 - Batwoman And Robin (Juver Productions)

[Release date 12th March 1972]

Director “Junar”/Jun Aristorenas Story/Screenplay Greg Macabenta Producers Jun Aristorenas, Virginia

Cast Robin Aristorenas (Robin), Virginia (Batwoman), Sofia Moran (The Catwoman), Johnny Monteiro (Zandro the Great), Prospero Luna (Fuman-Chao), Pancho Pelagio (The Mad Killer), Venchito Galvez, Romy Nario, Rey Big Boy

1972 - Batwoman And Robin Meet The Queen Of The Vampires (Juver Productions)

[Release date unknown]

Director Tony Cayado Story/Screenplay Greg Macabenta Producers Jun Aristorenas, Virginia

Cast Robin Aristorenas (Robin), Virginia (Batwoman), Angelina Ortiz, Venchito Galvez, Santiago Garcia, Francisco Cruz, Joe Roman, Ric Gaerlan, Ernie David, Joe Estrada, Aldo Cruz

1973 - Johnny Joker (Juver Productions)

[Release date 24th June 1973]

Director “Junar”/Jun Aristorenas Story Greg B. Macabenta Screenplay Bert R. Mendoza Producers Jun Aristorenas, Virginia Music Rodgar

Cast Jun Aristorenas (Johnny Joker), Robin Aristorenas (Robin), Virginia (Batwoman), Merle Fernandez (Catwoman), Freddie Webb (Spider Web), Cesar Ramirez (Hugo Musang), Johnny Monteiro (Shintori), Larry Silva (Brutus), Rey Big Boy and the Seven Dwarfs, Palito (Lastikman), Steve Alcarado, Leon Pajaron, Charlie Mendez, Greg Lansang, Ernie David, Rudy Rolloda

1973 - Fight! Batman, Fight! (Pacific Films)

[Release date 5th December 1973]

Director/Story Romeo N. Galang Cinematography Justo Paulino Music Ernani Cuenco

Cast Victor Wood, Gloria Romero, Rosemarie Gil, Eva Linda, Rosanna Marquez, Nick Romano, Romy Diaz, Ike Lozada, German Moreno, Danny Rojo, Robert Talabis, Arnold Mendoza, Lotis Key (Catwoman), Rod Navarro (Joker), Pinky (Bat Girl), Roderick Paulate (Robin), Manolo Noble, Joaquin Fajardo, Greg Lozano, "Chito"/Franco Guerrero, Royal Dahlen, Ruel Vernal, Edward Torres, Leon Pajaron, Roger Saulog, Romie Medalla, Cris Cruz, Dagul Se, Enrico Villa, Rodin Rodriguez, Tony Aragon, Mar Enriquez, Rey “Big” Boy, Tacio Tangkad, Totoy Laki, Paeng Giant, Pandak, SOS Daredevils, Mona Morena, Carmen Romasanta, Camille

1991 – Alyas Batman En Robin (Regal Films) DETAILS HERE

Teppanyaki (1984)

Palito as a Japanese WW2 pilot (photo courtesy of Palito)

1984 - Teppanyaki (Golden Harvest)

Director/Screenplay Michael Hui Executive Producer Raymond Chow Associate Producer Olivia Mok Bassett Assistant Producer Paul Cheung Production Supervisor Louis Sit Production Designer David T. W. Chan Researchers Clarence Yip, Alice Hung Assistant Directors O Sing-Pui, Clarence Yip Cinematography Larry Shiu Camera Assistant Sum Yuk-Ming Music Chris Babida Stunt Co-Ordinator Hon Yee-Sang Editor Peter Cheung Yiu-Chung Sound Recording Chow Siu-Lung Lighting Cheung Sing-Tung Wardrobe Chu Sing-Hei Make-Up Chan Kwok-Hung, Chan Wing-Yee Hair Dressing Hui Kwok-Wai Props Ma Man-Chun, Alan Ng Set Lau Siu-Yeung Unit Manager Sunny Tan Stills Chan Yuk Continuity Lo Kit-Ying Choreographer David Cheng Dialogue Hseuh Chuen, Chao Ling-Chee Sound Effects Ng Kwok-Wah Special Effects The Special Effect and Animation Film Company

Second Unit in Philippines: Philippine Producer Lope V. Jubon Jr Production Manager Jose Constantino Assistant to the Producer Mario David Location Manager Jesso Cuneto Construction Manager Kiko Bolongue Transportation Manager Romulo Romos Accountant Joe Alansobe Asstistant Director Ricardo de Guzman Camera Asstistant George Rosoles Loader George Rosoles Props/Set Dressing Roman Nicdoo, David Delinio, Perse Libre, Boy Doming, Oscar Bandoc Wardrobe Roman Alanzo, Fidel Javiel Electrical Julie Boltanado, Donald Santos, Ernesto Baitanodo Grip Silvano Bolicos Stills Roger Robies Make-Up Tony Artiedo Security Perry Bocomante, Lito Maroles Utility Salustiano Moestro, Eddie Santos, Joseph Santos Legman Nanding Solcedo

Cast Michael Hui (Mr Wong), Frances Yip (Sally), Lo Hoi-Pang (father-in-law), Tsou Mei-I (Mrs Wong), Sally Yeh (Sissy), Michael Lai (Pierre), David Cheung, Paul Ng, Hui Ying-Sau (Grandfather), Wong Man-Wei, Lee Yin-Ping, Yu Tou Wan, Bolot, Palito, Pugak, Pong Pong, Mong, Jerry Lapuz, Sylvia Chung, Elain Kwok

Synopsis (from VCD cover): Top comedian Michael Hui continues to provide funs to you. Mr. Wong is the chief chef in the Teppanyaki Restaurant of his father-in-law. One day, he meets his dream girl, Sissy. He start chasing her and arranges for a tour to the Paradise Island with her. Unfortunately, his wife and her friend go with her...

The Crazy Bunch (1980)

1980 – The Crazy Bunch (D’Wonder Films)

[Philippines release date 13th June 1980, original title “Hepe”]

Director J. Erastheo Navoa Story/Screenplay Manuel Ramirez Cinematography Pedro Manding Jr

Cast Nino Muhlach, Rey Malonzo [billed as “Reginald King” in the export version], Eddie Garcia, Paquito Diaz, Max Alvarado, Amy Austria, Donna Villa, Ike Lozada, German Moreno, Ed Villapol, Tsing Tong Tsai, Dexter Doria, Don Pepot, Palito, Danny Rojo, Jimmy Santos, Arturo Moran, Larry Esguerra, Paquito Salcedo, Romy Nario

Stone Boy (1982)

1982 – Stone Boy (D’Wonder Films Inc/Cinex Films Inc)

[Release date 23rd June 1982, original Philippines title "Rocco, Ang Batang Bato"; also released internationally as “Boy God”]

Director J. Erastheo Navoa Executive Producer Alexander Muhlach Story/Screenplay Joeben Miraflor Music Ernani Cuenco Cinematography Hermo Santos Editor Joe Mendoza Assistant Editor Edgar Gutierrez Sound Effects Danny Sanchez Sound Supervision Rudy Baldovino Foreign Adaptation Jess Ramos

Cast Nino Muhlach (Rocco), “Jim Melendrez”/Jimi Melendez, Isabel Rivas, Cecille Castillo, [uncredited in export version’s titles] Dely Atay-Atayan (Granny), Jimmy Wilson (Mengele), Palito (Pancho)

Review by Andrew Leavold:

Boy God, or Stone Boy as it's also known, stars possibly the most famous Filipino child star of all time, Nino Muhlach. Success for young Nino was in his genes, as the Muchlach clan was tantamount to film royalty - Auntie Amalia Fuentes (The Blood Drinkers [1964] and Curse Of The Vampires [1966]) will be forever remembered as the "Elizabeth Taylor of the Philippines". From age three, Nino would receive top-billing with the most famous film stars of the Seventies, and sentimental audiences warmed to his moon face and chubby thighs immediately, so that one of his 1977 films would out-gross the original Star Wars. Nino's father Alexander Muhlach formed D'Wonder Films to capitalize on Nino's early success, thus becoming one of the most powerful independent producers of the day.

By 1982 he was approaching his teen years and was now not so cute and adorable, and his box office lustre had begun to lose much of its shine. D'Wonder had previously bought into the iconic Darna franchise with Darna At Ding, featuring Vilma Santos as the Philippines' answer to both Supergirl and Wonder Woman and cherubic Nino as her little brother, and with its already-established Darna fanbase and cheap yet charming and effective special effects, the film broke box office records as the most successful Darna ever over Christmas 1980. The Muhlachs wisely decided to return to the fantasy genre one more time with 1982's Boy God.

Baby Rocco is born the same night his parents are gunned down outside their house. Years later, Rocco is now a precocious eleven year old living with his grandmother, who warns him to keep his growing powers secret. “You’re like limestone,” she explains - harder under heat, but dissolves in water. Just what a self-conscious 12 year old wants to hear. Meanwhile the evil German scientist Dr Mengele is turning the village into werewolves and vampires, and the pale bodies of their victims are starting to pile up by the waterfront. Little Rocco is captured by three witches who keep him weak and moist and, in the film's most disturbing image of all, they tie a naked, basted Nino to a bamboo spit under a full moon (not Rocco’s, of course) while turning into werewolves. The heat naturally makes him stronger and he escapes, only to be picked up in a fantastic tracking shot by a swooping, screeching vampire bat (a costume with enormous bat ears and umbrellas for arms).

Recovering in a cave, Rocco sees a vision of Vulcan, an Elder of the Immortals. The blind coot tells Rocco of his Immortal heritage - his father, Python, fell in love with a mortal, making him half-god - and suggests he travel to the Land of the Small People to save his parents from Limbo. At this moment the film morphs once again from vampires and werewolves and becomes Clash Of The Titans, or a much cheaper Italian variety sword and sandal adventure. He wakes next to a gladiator costume ("looks like a fat girl's dress!") and sets off towards his mist-shrouded goal, battling a small array of mythical creatures, but aided by an army of dwarves - all no taller than Rocco - and the girl warrior “Janus”, who looks and sounds suspiciously like Darna. Cue the trick perspective shots and claymation that would make Ray Harryhausen blanch, and perhaps the definitive shot of the film, in which the giant cyclops Golem plucks up one of the dwarves, chomps through his middle (this is a kid’s film?) and spits out his sword like a toothpick.

It's a strange film alright, cute and baffling, though with a simple three-act structure - boy learns powers, boy battles monsters, boy becomes immortal - which never allows the film to grow stale. Filipino films are renowned for "borrowing" elements from other films, and it's not just Clash Of The Titans from which the film takes its cues; there's the dwarf army from Time Bandits, and a lycanthrope transformation scene cribbed from either An American Werewolf In London or The Howling which, despite its crude stop-motion effects with plasticine and Brillo pads, is unnerving enough both in its primitivism, and in its family film context. There are also echoes of the Philippines' own bloodthirsty folklore in Boy God's creatures: shape-shifting female blood drinkers, the Aswang, and the bat-winged eaters of the dead, the Manananggal (unlike Boy God's batmen, however, their torsos detach themselves for easier flying), which have been unnerving Filipino children, not to mention adults, for centuries. It's this black wedding of Hollywood fantasy and horror and the Philippines' own brand of ghoulishness which gives Boy God its potency - a Harryhausen epic on a hundredth its budget, of course, but with monsters the folk in the Provinces will tell you are very, VERY real. Now that's unnerving.

Todd Stadtman’s review from his Die, Danger, Die, Die, Kill! blog:

To give credit where it's due, Andrew Leavold has already provided a terrific overview of Boy God (aka Stone Boy, aka Rocco, Ang Batang Bato) over at his very fine blog Bamboo Gods and Bionic Boys, in which he not only summarizes the film, but also gives a substantial amount of background regarding its production. (And if you have any interest in Filipino film at all, you owe it to yourself to also check out the phenomenal capsule history of Pinoy B cinema that Andrew recently posted. It's absolutely essential.) The fact that Andrew has done all of the heavy lifting of providing a context within which to view Boy God means that I'm left free to instead simply focus on what a weird movie it is. Thus, in approaching the film, I think that both Andrew, a knowledgeable person, and I, a lazy person, have been afforded a chance to play to each of our individual strengths.

Still, what I will tell you is that Boy God stars Nino Muhlach, the phenomenally popular Filipino child star who we here at 4DK last saw in 1980's Darna at Ding, in which he co-starred with Vilma Santos in her last screen turn as the beloved Pinoy superheroine Darna. Like Darna at Ding, Boy God was produced by the Muhlach family's production company, D'Wonder Films, and, in its similarly superheroic themes, represents an attempt to capitalize on the success of that earlier film. As will happen with child stars, encroaching adolescence was necessitating a bit of re-branding on the part of Nino and his handlers, as he was rapidly becoming unsuitable for the cute kid roles that his stardom was built upon. The one-two punch of having him portray Darna's sidekick and then a magical hero made of rock seems, then, to have been a bid to position him as a teenage star of crazy fantasy action films.

And, if nothing else, Boy God succeeds at being crazy. Although primarily a fantasy film, it also seems to contain within it elements of every other type of Filipino exploitation movie of its day. There are horror elements which seem to draw upon both Catholic traditions and local folklore, two-fisted action with jungle guerrillas firing machine-guns at one another, spy elements right out of the Tony Falcon films, and, of course, as in any example of Filipino popular cinema, lots of broad comedy. I have also heard Boy God referred to as a children's film, which it very well might have been by the Filipino standards of its day. But whether you personally would want to expose your toddler to it would be determined by just how well you think a film prominently featuring spirit rape would fit into their regular diet of Pixar fare and Yo Gabba Gabba.

Another noteworthy aspect of Boy God is that it is a veritable tour de force of low budget special effects, encompassing everything from crude drawn animation to crude claymation to crude suitmation. In other words, basically every kind of "mation" that could be accomplished for less than the cost of one day's catering on the original Clash of the Titans is brought to bear upon the task of realizing the film's menagerie of fantastical beasts and magical creatures. Unfortunately for my purposes, director J. Erastheo Navoa and cinematographer Hermo Santos wisely chose to blanket these effects in an obscuring fog of dim lighting and murky night photography, rendering it nearly impossible both for them to be seen in all their flawed glory by the cinema audience and for me to get any decent screen caps of them.

Our adventure begins when a strange, toga wearing specter impregnates a young village woman against her will, with the result that, some time later, baby Rocco is born. Sadly, not long after this blessed event, a spurned former lover of Rocco's mom, village bad guy "Robby", shows up with his motley band of guerrillas to riddle both her and her husband with machine-gun bullets. This leaves Rocco's old grandma with the task of raising him, a process that increasingly involves her having to hide his growing superhuman abilities from the prying eyes of the other villagers. (As is frequent in Pinoy films, both A and B, village life is portrayed here as a seething hellhole of intolerance and malicious gossip.) Eventually young Rocco discovers that his powers are nullified when he is exposed to water, and his grandma helpfully explains that this is because he is made of limestone, and, like limestone (and Alka Seltzer), he becomes stronger when heated, but dissolves when placed in water.

Meanwhile, none other than oft-resurrected Nazi madman Dr. Mengele (Jimmy Wilson) is contaminating the water supply with a chemical that is turning the villagers into werewolves and giant vampire bats. Among the werewolf contingent are a trio of cannibalistic witches so unwholesomely smitten with young Rocco's plump dimensions that they end up -- in one of the film's most prize winning moments of utter wrongness -- tying his naked, well-basted 12 year old body to a giant spit and trying to roast him. While the basting part does the trick of incapacitating Rocco, the roasting part has the opposite effect, and he ends up kicking the asses of both the were-witches and their giant bat minions.

And at this point, you might be surprised to learn, the events of Boy God take a somewhat unusual turn. An old bearded sage type appears and announces himself to Rocco as Vulcan, "Elder of the Immortals". Rocco's real father, it turns out, was also one of the Immortals -- who appear to be a sort of Filipino B movie approximation of the Gods of Olympus as according to Ray Harryhausen -- and is now being held in limbo for the crime of falling in love with a mortal woman. Rocco's mom is also in limbo, I guess just because she's a woman. Anyway, the only way that Rocco can free the both of them, he is told, is to travel to the land of the Immortals and complete a series of arduous, predetermined tasks.

And so, with this, Boy God becomes a quest narrative of the least epic scale imaginable, with Rocco, now kitted out in junior-sized gladiator togs, marching through what appears to be the same small expanse of forest over and over again, fighting in succession an army of midgets, a partially claymation cyclops, and a pair of Siamese twin ogres. Also thrown in to provoke happy associations is a very Darna-like character called Janus, who pops up intermittently to aid him. Finally Rocco reaches the realm of the Immortals, where he is told that what he really needs to do in order to free his parents is return to Earth and settle this whole Dr. Mengele business. This he does, and thus effectively ends the "epic quest" portion of Boy God, just in time for us to have a James Bond style finale in which Rocco and the forces of the law invade Mengele's secret compound, do battle with his machine-gun wielding minions, and blow a lot of stuff up.

What to say about Boy God really? Out of all the Tagalog language films made for the local Filipino market, Boy God had to be one of the most eccentric candidates for being dubbed into English and set loose upon the international home video market -- admirably so, even. While it's not too hard to imagine that much within it was business as usual to its original intended audience, it's another thing entirely to put yourself in the shoes of some unwitting, Reagan era patron of Blockbuster who brought it home for his kids to watch, only to end up with therapy bills that plague him to this day. For us today, though, looking back upon the film with the kind of world weary sophistication that only prolonged exposure to the internet can engender, it's a different matter.

Or is it? To tell the truth, I don't think that any amount of distance, either temporal or emotional, can render Boy God any less strange. That is its true super power.

Johnny Rambo Tango (1985)

1985 - Johnny Rambo Tango (Larry Santiago Productions/Entertainment Phils. Inc)

[Philippines release date 22nd August 1985, original title “Johnny Rambo Tan-Go Part III”; also released on Spanish VHS as “Johnny Tan-Go Rambo Parte III”]

Director Ricky Santiago Screenplay Rick Acasio Executive Producer Ricman Cinematography Rudy Quijano Editor Samuel Dumondon Sound Joe Climaco

Cast Redford White, Roderick Paulate, Palito, Jograd [de la Torre], Liz Alindogan, Nanette Inventor, Herbert Bautista, Rowell Santiago, Max Alvarado, Joaquin Fajardo, Lucita Soriano, Tony Roxas, Geron Vega, Efren Pader, Cachupoy, Victor Garcia, Seratin Fernandez, Isidora Pitago

Review from the Internet Movie Database:

I cannot believe I am commenting on this one, I saw it quite a long time ago and I don't think I can find it now. As far as I recall it was a pitiful parody of the Stallone movie, but sometimes I miss this turkeys. The same actor made other movie "Rocky Tango 4", I never saw it but sure it was even worse. To sum up, this was incredibly cheesy, jokes was just unbearable including a reference to the delightful song: "We are the world" but despite everything I do not know why Spanish freaks don't recover this, for the freaky fans, this is a must. And oh!, I was about forgetting about it but the acting is the most atrocious I have ever seen, specially the Gay character.