Trip to Birmingham & CT scan

Dalam perjalanan ke Birmingham~GPS kami suruh ikut jalan ni. Jalan pintas rasanya.

Nasib baik jalan pintas ni pendek je, kalau tak takut jugak sebab sunyi je. Kalau nak berjalan, kena bawa peta juga, tak boleh bergantung pada GPS 100%.

Dah masuk highway semula.

Kami ke Birmingham pada Hari Raya Haji yang lepas. Tujuannya untuk mengambil CT (computed tomography) scan filem yang kawan saya tolong bawakan dari Malaysia. Sebelum berlepas ke UK awal tahun ini, kami dah pack semua barang dan hantar balik ke kampung. Dua hari sebelum berlepas, saya pergi berjumpa Dr. Murali (doktor yang bertanggungjawab untuk pembedahan dan rawatan kemoterapi saya) untuk follow-up yang terakhir sebelum ke UK, katanya saya perlu bawa CT scan filem tu ke UK untuk dibuat perbandingan dengan CT scan filem yg akan saya buat bulan Disember ini. Hari ni baru nak buat appointment untuk jumpa doktor untuk buat appointment CT scan. Saya sibuk sangat dua minggu lepas membuat correction untuk 1st year PhD report saya tu. Alhamdulillah semalam dah hantar, rasa seperti hilang beban digalas.

Melalui ladang biri-biri, tak nampak clear biri-biri yang montel-montel belaka itu.

Masih dlm perjalanan ke Birmingham,baru 3pm rasanya waktu ni, tp hari dah mula gelap.

Jujurnya saya tak suka buat CT scan ni. CT scan ni lebih kurang X-ray juga. Bezanya CT scan ni ambil cross-sectional image badan kita i.e gambar diambil secara melintang.

Sebelum badan kita dilalukan dalam tiub (macam terowong) yg ada pancaran x-ray tu, kita perlu minum air yang dipanggil contrast, saya dah tak ingat berapa ml. Kalau di Hospital Kuala Lumpur (HKL) air contrast tu warnanya oren. Ingat lagi seorang nurse tu melawak, katanya, "Minum ye air oren tu sampai habis." Hemm..rasanya tidaklah seperti rasa air oren Sunquick atau air oren Marigold. Rasanya tak sedap langsung :( Tujuan minum air yg disebut contrast tu ialah supaya bila image dari badan kita diambil, organ badan dan tumor dapat dibezakan.

Inilah sebotol minuman contrast yang perlu dihabiskan. That's me beside the bottle. Gambar ni diambil semasa CT scan kedua di HKL.

Lepas dah minum air contrast tu, kita kena pakai pakaian hospital yg ada tali-tali ikat kat belakang tu. Pakaian lain suma kena tanggal. Pastu nurse akan cucuk satu tiub kecil i.e intravenous (IV) line ke saluran darah kat tangan kita. Tiub tu gunanya untuk menyalurkan sejenis contrast lain dalam badan kita. Contrast yang ini akan disalurkan semasa badan kita melalui terowong tu. Ingat lagi kali pertama diCT scan, saya menjerit sebab contrast tu dialirkan terlalu laju dan bila masuk ke salur darah sakitnya hanya Allah yang tahu. Mungkin technician atau jururawat yang mengoperasikan IV line tu belum biasa kot. Geram pun ada, nak menangis pun ada. Kali kedua diCT scan, Alhamdulillah, smooth je contrast tu masuk ke salur darah saya.

Selepas tu, kita ditinggalkan sorang-sorang dalam bilik CT scan tu. Lab technician dan jururawat masuk ke bilik yang berhadapan dan meneruskan operasi meng'CT scan' badan kita menerusi tingkap kaca. Walaupun dah 2 kali melalui pengalaman CT scan ni, saya tetap ada rasa seriau. Seriau sebab takut contrast yang masuk dalam salur darah tu menyakitkan saya.

Di sini ada maklumat lanjut tentang bagaimana ovarian cancer di diagnosis.

Dalam perjalanan pulang ke Newcastle, singgah di R&R mana ntah, beli kopi COSTA :)

Just A Little Bitching...

Alright, this may be a little bit of bitching plus some of the content is not very comfortable to read. So reading is at your own risk.

I'm a week plus late. Yup! Late as in my period is a week plus late. I'm worried that I might be pregnant because I can't be pregnant until I go through my CT scan this December. On the other hand, I'm worried that I may be sick again. My menstruation is not 'on schedule' for these past few months. Last time when my period is not on schedule as usual (for few months), it turns out I had an ovarian cyst which then turns out to be an ovarian cancer. So now when it happens again, I'm worried sick. I don't let on my worries to consume my thoughts, just that everyday now I pray for my period to say 'Hi! I'm here now'. I know I should get a pregnancy test kit but last time I did, I just wasted 5 pound of my money.

Talking about pregnancy, I've been hit quite a number of times with questions and remarks like "When are you going to have a baby?" or "Next will be your turn (especially when I hold someone else baby). " Huh! As if.

Having experienced being an ovarian cancer patient widen my perspective. I am extra careful when asking others about getting pregnant. Surely I am always cautious when asking this sort of questions because I detest people asking when am I going to get marriedwhen I was still single. I consider myself lucky because I still have an ovary intact. There are people who do not have a choice but to remove their entire reproduction system. So imagine yourself being in their shoes, and all the while people keep asking when you're going to have a baby. The first few times, you might still have the decency to smile and be nice. However, at the end of the day with just a few ounces of patience left, you might feel the urge to retort back with snappy answer like "Why do you care?"

Some might think the easiest way out is to bare the truth. Just let people know your condition. Of course some may offer their deepest sympathy but some may not really care. So what's the point in sharing your pain and probably misery when what you get in return are hurtful remarks like, "A friend of mine also had a condition like yours... she has already died" or "I heard there's no cure for cancer. Its like a death sentence" or "Oh! You live a healthy life. How can this happen to you? I don't really like to eat healthily. I just hope it won't happen to me."

Excuse me! Do they really think that I want to hear about some people dying due to the same condition as mine? Do they know that people die for a silliest reason there is like choking on a tiny peanut. Good grief! Do they think I wish day and night for this?

Even though the evil side of mine sometime lurking around to surface, I do not wish this to anyone. I may secretly hope they sort of fall flat on their face. Hahaha.. Well, I do not. Seriously I don't. Take my word ;)

Below is a picture of an ovarian cyst. Sadly, the picture that an intern doctor took of my ovarian cyst was somewhere in my old handphone and that handphone was sort of gone. I did remember though that my ovarian cyst was 1.2kg in weight and about 8 inches long. Huge eh!

Taken from: http://bms.brown.edu/pedisurg/images/ImageBank/Ovary/OvarCyst2.jpg

Alhamdulillah

This is my second year of follow up after the chemo in second half of 2007. Last year, my follow up schedule is for every 3 months. Since everything is well so far, this year Dr. Murali schedules me for a half annually follow up. So a blood test is due in June. I have been putting it off since early June because I don't feel I'm up to it. I know I've been under stress lately so I don't want to mess up the blood test with false alarm.

There was this one time when we got a false alarm. It was 4 months after the chemo when my blood test showed a spike in my CA125 level. Dr. Murali instructed me to do another blood test 1-2 weeks later. If the level is still rising, he'll put me under another cycle of chemo. Alhamdulillah the reading went down again even not much. We figured the pressure at work contributed to my stressful condition.I still remembered Dr. Murali advices that time;
"Don't get stressed out"
"Jangan marah-marah suami. Kalau marah-marah suami pun itu reading boleh naik."
*Mana ada marah doktor, merajuk tu ada le.
"Walk for 30 minutes everyday. Bila you walk, 'feel good hormon' keluar."
"Makan buah & sayur banyak-banyak."
"Minum air putih banyak-banyak."

I've been following his advice as closely as I can so far. In addition to all that, I take Yemen honey and habatus sawda. I should take them everyday but sometime I'm just so lazy to prepare them. Yemen honey and habatus sawda are the only supplement I take when I start my healing process. You know, when you are sick people around you will suggest every sort of supplement there are. Cuba minum itulah, cuba makan inilah. I appreciate their concern but sometime it's just very overwhelming. So what I usually do is I just smile and pretend to listen.

My husband was put in the same position. People who knew that I'm sick will tell him to make me try this and that. He'll later ask me to which I'll say something like "I'm not very sure of this." or "I never heard of that". It must have been frustrating for him to have such a stubborn wife like me. I know he meant well but I just don't feel like trying. Then a senior colleague of mine suggested Yemen honey and habatus sawda. Tak taulah camana boleh terbuka hati nak cuba. Maybe the way he suggested it(he ask my permission before giving me his suggestion, isn't that super polite?) or because he is a living proof that the Yemen honey& habatus sawda works or maybe simply because Allah bukakan hati.

Last Thursday I went for my blood test and I got the result yesterday. Alhamdulillah! Praise to ALLAH, it's normal. Yeay!!! Another 6 months before I can be declared clear. It is not that long but knowing that anything can go wrong in such a short time sometimes worries me although I'm not a worrier. In fact I rarely think about it.

Thanks to all of you who've render me your prayer for my health. Thanks a bunch!
May Allah be with you too. :)

Syukur..

I went to HKL yesterday for my monthly check-up. Alhamdulillah I didn't have to wait for so long before the nurse called my name.

Dr. Murali, the specialist who operates & monitors my health, informed me that my CA125 reading is VERY GOOD. Last month reading is 21 and this month it has decreased to 12. I did not expect it to be that low. Now I am determined to do whatever possible to decrease my CA125 reading further.

CA125 is a type of protein which is used as a marker for ovarian cancer. A reading of CA125 more than 36 in your blood indicates that you might have an active cancer cell in your ovary. However, the level CA125 may also be high in the case of pregnancy. That's one of the reason I cannot be pregnant now :( For better details, please check through Uncle Google. I am writing based on my knowledge and understanding of my condition.

I think I have to REALLY LISTEN to Dr. Murali's advice.
1-Eat more fruits & vegetables.
*I love veggies & fruits. It just that sometimes I forget to eat them.*

2-Drink more plain water.
*No problem in this area :)*

3-Walk everyday for 30 minutes.
*I love walking, not just it helps burn my calories, it also helps clear my minds. I rarely use elevators. But sometime, I do have time constraint. Oh! I have a plan to do more walking when Ramadhan ended. Will share with you when the time comes.*

4-Lessen the stress on myself.
*Working hard on this. I'm not easily stressed but I love to plan. So when the execution is not as what is planned, I'll stressful.*

Anyway, I believe this news is one blessing in the month of Ramadhan. Alhamdulillah. I hope I'll get better so later next year I can get pregnant :)

Cancer:Common Uncommon

I had to go to HKL last Wednesday for another follow up at the radiotheraphy clinic. It's already 8.30a.m when I give my appointment card to the clerk on duty. The clinic was full of people waiting for their turn to see the doctors. I manage to squeeze myself between a chinese lady with her child and a big malay guy.

Whenever I go to the hospital, I'll always bring a magazine, novel, anything that can help me to pass the time. I also use my reading material as a mechanism for me to avoid conversation. I remembered during my 5th and 6th chemotherapy cycle, I had to be admitted to the radiotherapy wad because the doctors had to increase the dose given to me. I know that I can't stand laying and lazying around without tv to watch. So what I did was I bring a novel, my bead sewing project and of course a Quran which is a must. During day time, I will sew beads until visiting hours. During visiting hours, I will read my novel like nobody business. Reason is, visitors for other patient will come and try to chat with me. I do thank them for making the effort, but I just wasn't interested for a chit chat. They usually will ask questions like "Sakit apa?", "Bila kena?", "Dah ada berapa orng anak?"etc. For goodness sake, if you meet someone at radiotheraphy or oncology clinic, of course they have some sort of cancer. I guess they were just nosy. So I either pretend to sleep or immerse myself in reading novel. As for my visitors, my husband will only come and visit me after maghrib. And for my family members, I have asked them not to come and visit me. It just a treatment after all and I do need rest while my body sucked up all those water and cancer drug.

Anyway, back to the day of the follow up appointment day, I can't help myself from being nosy. I wanted to talk to the chinese lady beside me. It's not her who have cancer. It's her daughter( so that's why I was nosy ok). It was obvious because her daughter was totally bald and wore some kind of mask to cover her nose and mouth. But I tried not to ask "Sakit apa?". I just made a remark "Strong eh?" while I patted her daughter shoulder. Without much probing from me, she told me about her daughter condition. I didn't really know how to show my sympathy but deep down in my heart I can feel for that little girl. She is just 5 years old and yet she had to go through all this radiotheraphy and chemotherapy. I really hope she'll be fine and totally cured.

Yes, chemotheraphy is not an extremely painful treatment. But the aftermath is one heck of a story. I was lucky enough and blessed too I guess because I did not suffer so much during my chemotheraphy treatment. Hair loss? Nada. Weight loss? Just a little bit even though I do want to lose few more kilos ;)
I was just experiencing a mild nausea and loss of appetite for about 4 to 5 days after the chemo. So all in all, I guess I am so blessed that I was diagnosed at a very early stage.

Again, back to the follow up appointment day, the Malay guy on my other side started to make conversation with me. I feel bad for him because he was treated 4 years before for some sort of cancer -I didn't dare asked- and about 1.5 year ago
(this is my own calculation based on his story), the supposedly cured/almost cured cancer cell has already spread up towards his brain. I was speechless. No words of encouragement because I just don't know how. He is younger than me. 26 years old! I wasn't sure whether its just me or what, but I did notice a hint of frustation in his voice. Well, who wouldn't???

My point of telling you my dear reader all of this is just one thing==> Cancer has become a common 'thing' in our world. Not just in Malaysia. Even in the US. If you can take precaution, do it. It may be in terms of your diet, life style and the most important of all, our doa. I have never imagined I will have cancer one day, but I did. So what' left for me? Well, lots of things because we need to know that being cancer patient is not the end of our life.

A blessing in disguise {cont...}

On Monday (May 16) I went to the hospital with my husband. We have to wait for quite some time since we were "just a referred case" at that time.

After the urine test + ultrasound, here comes the shocking news. YES!!! there is a cyst inside my left ovary and it is very big that an URGENT operation is required.

According to the doctor, if the cyst was not "THAT BIG", he would suggest that I wait until my pregnancy reaches four months old before I go for operation. Thing was, going for the surgery at this very early stage of pregnancy would put me at a high risk of losing our "baby". But in my case, it's more dangerous if I wait that long.

So when the doctor asked when do I want to go for operation, being "ME", I instantly said ASAP! My husband was speechless at that time and I did feel bad for not discussing it before I made any decision. But what's done is done. :| . I was admitted to the ward the next day ( Tuesday, May 17) and went for the surgery on Wednesday, May 18.

At times, I feel that the whole process is just like a dream/nightmare ( I don't know which one it is..) I was discharged from the hospital 5 days after the surgery. Oh!By the way our "baby" survived the surgery (at that time). Bad news is we still can't detect his/her heart beat. About the cysts which has been taken out along with my left ovary, they were sent to the lab for analysis. No results yet during this time.

A Blessing in disguise {cont...}

It all started on that April Friday afternoon. It's almost 5.30 p.m. I was on my way to the tuition center where I tutor Add Maths and Physics to the Form 5 students. I stopped at the DIY shop to buy something when suddenly I feel something trickling down my thighs. At first I thought I have accidently wetting my sarong. But when I looked down at the floor I saw spots of red fresh BLOOD!!! There's nothing else in my mind other than the thought that " Uh..uh...I AM PREGNANT" and now I might have MISCARRIAGED!

Thank Allah there's a clinic nearby. I ran through the heavy rain ( it was raining heavily at that time) . YES! After the standard pregnancy test done, its confirmed that I am pregnant.

On doctor's suggestion, I went to a maternity clinic the next day for a scan. Knowing you are pregnant to a woman who wants children should be 1 of the happiest moment in their life. Sadly not so for me. Yes, true I am happy that I am pregnant. But after the scan was done, and the nice lady doctor told me that I have some sort of a lump on the left side of my womb is not something I wanna hear. She said that my womb looks like I am 5 months pregnant where I am actually just 5 weeks pregnant! She had to referred me to a hospital where there are more up-to-date facilities/specialists. I will be going to see the specialist on Monday.

A blessing in disguise

July 2, 2007: I went for my 2nd chemotherapy with my beloved husband. We have to go in the afternoon because the gynaecology-oncology clinic will only received my chemo medicine from the radiotherapy unit that afternoon. Going for chemo is like going for a picnic for us. We prepare the fruits and juicess to bring along. My husband insisted on bringing some bread just in case I feel hungry. I think next time I 'll bring some 'asam' along.. :)