I Do Not Love My Struggles!

photo credit: kevin dooley via photopin cc

I can honestly say, I do not love my struggles. 

In fact, when I’m struggling, “love” is not the word that comes to mind at all.  Frustrated, irritated, about-to-lose-it.. these are words that more accurately express how I feel.  

I struggle when my family is coming at me from all sides….!!!!  (Just thinking about this makes my blood pressure go up.)

I struggle when I don’t know what to say to my husband. 

I struggle as I flail-about trying to understand how to manage our money and failing over and over. 

I struggle when anxiety overtakes my day and I fight to stay focused on one thing long enough to complete it.

These are regular, boring, everyday problems that lots of people “struggle” with.  These are the little things, I suppose.  They aren’t even the heavy, nasty stuff like cancer diagnosis, or lost babies, or falling-apart marriages.  This list is really aggravating but it doesn’t even include the traumatic, abusive childhood someone desperately wants to put behind them or the addiction that follows the addict.  

I do not love struggles. 

I hate them. 

When Hearts at Home said that this month’s blog hop would be about Love Your Struggles, the first thing I thought of was that I don’t. 

Despite this, right away I saw where HAH was coming from with this painful suggestion.  I’m not going to speak for you.  I can’t say how awful and useless your struggle might be.  But I will speak for myself.  And it turns out, that there are a couple of things I have gained at the end of a fight.  

I found out I can survive way more than I realized.  I lived through that struggle and even though at the time my heart was being torn in two, I’m amazed to say that healing happened.  Something sewed it back together and I don’t really understand nor can I explain it.  But it happened.  And now I know what healing looks like.

A few more things make sense now.  The way people act.  The baggage they carry.  The perspective I just couldn’t wrap my brain around.  Some of those circumstances are accessible to me now.  And that knowledge makes it easier to love others, who were harder to love before. 

Now I know what prayer does.  Never before had I felt wrapped up in the prayers of others, like that.  I had never leaned so heavily, when I simply could not pray for myself.  It wasn’t until that struggle that I experienced a love and power that moved me to do what I had to do.  And I knew prayer was the mechanism for what seemed impossible at the time. 

If I hadn’t struggled that way, I wouldn’t know my God so intimately.  It’s like with a good friend.  When you have been in the trenches together - dealt with something heavy and significant and threatening - you come out with a powerful connection.  When we are backed into a corner with no one to seek out but our God - we find out more about Him than we do sitting in our cozy chair wearing fuzzy slippers.  God was there with me.  He didn’t give up on me.  He didn’t abandon me.  He filled me up with His strength and His wisdom so I could say what needed to be said, and do what needed to be done. 

Jacob is halfway through his life when he meets God and wrestles with him.  Jacob wrestles with God and won’t give up, trying so hard to hold his own. (Genesis 32)  In the end, God blesses Jacob.  Jacob is rewarded for his struggle.  Does he limp out of the fight?  Yes.  He is injured and his gait is the proof of this.  Did he win?  Depends on your definition.  Does he better understand himself and his God?  No doubt.  

I hate my struggles.  But I love the person who comes out the other side.  I can’t help but cherish the wounds and the scars that prove my existence and my survival.  I can’t stand that there has to be a fight; but I treasure the new perspective, the mountains God has moved within me, and the opportunity to comfort others who might struggle as I have. 

I’m not asking you to love your struggles in this moment.  But I will pray that at some point you can find some use in the wisdom you’re gaining in the midst of the fight.  For now, if you are struggling, persevere with the knowledge that you are not alone.

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.  Isaiah 41:10

Have you found something useful after the dust settles on chaos? Sharing your struggle can be useful to those still in the midst of the battle.

I'm Blaming Hearts-at-Home

10 years ago was my first Hearts at Home Conference.  My good friend Leslii insisted I go.  Sophie was only a few months old.  I was swamped with work and being a new mom and the weight of the world was heavy.  Heavier than I even realized.  

That day revealed things to me that no one had ever told me before.  The things I learned from Jill Savage and other presenters that year and in the years that followed have stayed with me and help to shape the Mom, Wife, and Believer I am everyday.  

Here are 5 TRUTHS I have learned at Hearts that resonate with me daily.  

1. I am not the only Mom who feels this way. (Whatever way I'm feeling today. Not the only one!)

2. For the sake of me and my family, I want to live a life with MARGINS. 

3. God doesn’t expect us to know how to parent.  He expects us to ask him.  Constantly. 

4. Professional Development for Moms is an investment in my kids, my marriage and my walk with Christ.  I can learn from others.  I need to learn from others.  Here’s something crazy: I might be able to help someone too.  

5. There is no such thing as “just a mom.”  God put me right here, in this family, with these kids and this husband - for a reason.  Embrace it.  It’s a ministry. 

Moms, I highly recommend a mom conference.  This one is affordable and honest and loving.  But if you can’t tear yourself away from your house, I encourage you to find a mom community.  Online, with a church, at a park, through Twitter - whatever.  Finding out you are not alone in your worries, your guilt, your frustrations - embracing community - will help you be a better mom.  It’s a crazy job.  It’s a challenging ministry.  It’s where God wants you.  

Own it.

Do you have a Mom Community that has revealed Truths to you? Tell us about it!

When Our Feelings Are Hard to Live With: Angie's Story

Today is Hearts at Home's monthly blog hop. If you'd like to know about Hearts at Home (it's a great organization with a life-changing yearly conference), go here.

Take part in today's blog hop by checking out the other blogs involved! Today's theme is Love Your Feelings. This is a reflection of the 2014 conference theme Love Your Life. Moms, you have one more day to sign up to get the discounted registration price. If you've never been before, I highly recommend it. You can read more about why I love Hearts if you click here.

Love your feelings?

Ugh.  So often I don’t.  

But I feel like due to today’s Hearts at Home Blog theme, I have to tell you about a time when I listened to my feelings.  I respected my feelings.  And eventually I came to love the whole mess of it. 

I was pregnant with our second.  Less than 6 months along, when I started feeling a certain way. 

Panic.  Desperate.  Anxious.  Laying awake wondering.  

How was I going to do this?  

How was I going to maintain my full-time job and also have 2 little ones at home?  

How was I going to keep it all going?  I was barely doing it with just one. 

I knew it was possible.  Lots of women were doing it.  My friends.  My co-workers.  Women I respected.  How did it work for them?  It was not working for me. 

But there was no way I could quit my job.  I had to keep working.  There was no way we could afford the house with only one paycheck.  Brad had only been self-employed now for a couple years and we were still a little nervous about steady work (even though he had stayed busy so far).  What was I thinking?  This was just crazy. 

But one day when we were driving somewhere - it’s always easier to have these difficult conversations in the car, right? - I just broke down.  I fell apart.  Sobbing I said to him, “I can’t do this.  I can’t go back to work after this baby is born.”

I’ll never forget that moment.  It was so clear to me that something had to change.  I didn’t know how it would possibly work.  I had no idea how we could make this happen.  But I had to be honest about the way I felt.  

My husband was sympathetic, but probably mostly because I was super-hormonal-pregnant-lady.  He really thought I was nuts.  He had no idea how this could possibly be a realistic conversation.  But clearly we were having it anyway. 

I started looking into taking a leave of absence at work.  I started searching for options.  We bounced ideas off each other.  

Then one day he called on his way home and was telling me about Grandma and Grandpa moving to the nursing home.  And what would become of their house?   Their kids didn’t really want to sell it right now.  Would it just sit empty?

Without thinking, I joked we should move into it.  He was working nearby there so often.  We could just move home.  

There was a pause on the other end of the phone.  And then he said thoughtfully, “Yeah…..?  Hmmm, that could work.”

I was floored.  He had always been so committed to the house we were in.  It was our dream home.  A big four-square fixer-upper in the country.  What we’d always wanted.  We loved it.  But now he was opening up to the idea of moving… so I could stay home with our kids?  It was the craziest thing I’d ever heard.  And it felt like a miracle. 

As plans started to unfold, the picture got clearer.  My feelings were being heard.  I had the clarity I had been praying for.  

Clare Elizabeth was born in May.  While I was delivering, the couple interested in our house called again.  They wanted to come back for a second visit.  

We sold for a profit in July of 2007.  3 months before the housing market crashed.  Before the economy fell apart.  Before things got scary.  We used the money to pay off our debts.  And we moved into a tiny house way too close to family.  (That’s another story.)  

Now, there are some more great elements to the story that follows.  But I don’t want to mislead you.  It wasn’t ideal really.  The house was super little.  The transition was brutal.  The rest of the story is actually crazy and it has been a roller-coaster ride.  Much of it has been recorded on the pages of this blog.  But those feelings that I listened to - they ended up giving me a clarity I had never had.  They were there for a reason.  God was constructing a path for me to do something I had never thought was possible.  It was opening up in front of me, and responding to it was one of the best decisions I have ever made.  Rarely does a day pass when I don’t think of the emotions that led me to become a more available mom to my kiddos.  

That day - those months - I did NOT love my feelings.  I loathed them.  They haunted me.  I fought with them.  They persisted.  I stared blankly at the ceiling wondering if there was any escaping the feelings that gripped my heart… or the tough decisions that would have to be made. 

But now when I look back?  I love those feelings.  I love that they stalked me day and night and wouldn’t be ignored.  I love that God placed them on my heart and gave me sound wisdom from wise women I cried to.  I am thankful for the feelings that changed my life.  For the whirlwind of emotions that birthed clarity when the clouds parted and the wind died down.  These days, I love the whole mess of it.  

Why does loving our feelings always seem to be messy business that isn’t that fun and requires admitting hard things or change?!  If you know the answer, please share!

Permission for Mama to Dream

I’m getting excited for Hearts at Home this year!  As I was digging around on their site the other night, I discovered the Third Thursday Thoughts Blog Hop.  It’s a great opportunity for moms to find some refreshment and community.  This year’s conference theme is Love Your Life!, so today’s topic on the blog hop is Love Your Goals and Dreams.  This is one of my favorite topics, so I jumped on board.  Feels like I’m going to do a little series on this topic, so follow me on FB, Twitter, or Email to get a little update when I post the next one!

************

Each session she sat on that couch in that office, she held her breath a little the entire time.  It was about expectation.  It was about hope. 

“What were you like before you were married?  Can you tell me about that person?”

The therapist’s words were a surprise to her.  They had been talking about the here and now. About her kids and her husband and the piles of baggage that seemed to be muffling out her voice.  

Who I was before?

A pause. 

I was so young then. 

It was so hard to unearth that girl.  What did she love?  What was her drive?  Am I anything like her now?

photo credit: Victor Bezrukov via photopin cc

The fact is, I’m not the same person I was before marriage and kids, and you aren’t either.  Regardless of how you feel about the young girl you once were, the therapist’s question drives at the heart of an issue that moms can really struggle with: Identity.  

STEP 1: Give Yourself Permission to DREAM

Identity is what makes you You.  It’s what inspires you, what sends you over the edge, what you want and what you think about 50 times a day and what makes you tick.  It can have everything to do with being a mom.  But sometimes it doesn't.  

There seems to be a battle between those who suggest “Being a Mom is Enough” vs. the “I've lost ME” moms who feel adrift in a sea of the demands of their children .  I have friends who have embraced motherhood like a lost puppy.  Women who understood after only a few months of monotonous housework and hourly breastfeeding, that this was the nature of the beast.  And they were ok with that.  I also have friends (myself included) who fought it tooth and nail, struggling to accept this new career with something other than disdain.  It takes us years to finally realize that God’s job for us as moms often doesn't come with the recognition and peer respect that we seek; but it’s still super-important. 

But let’s get something straight right now: Every mom has a passion for something. 

Baking.  Organizing.  Teaching young children.  Nutrition.  Gardening.

Being the mom whose house is the hub of the neighborhood.  Volunteering at school.  Coaching a team.  Soothing baby cries.  Finding creative solutions.  Budgeting.  Saving money.  Selling and buying at thrift shops or garage sales.  

And then some of us have a passion for something that is not so incorporated into the daily duties of motherhood.   

Writing.  Painting.  Paper piecing.  Running.  Designing.

Technology.  Photography.  Traveling.  Bookkeeping.  

Sewing.  Governing.  Health care.  Consulting.  Fixing things.  Hiring.  Managing.

All of us have an ache in our belly - stronger some days than others - that sends us searching for something.  Something that’s mostly about ME.  Something I created or thought of.  Something I led or inspired.  Something I do that brings me joy.  

Maybe it’s organizing all the legos or coming up with a better bedtime routine.  It might be training for a marathon or making a year-long meal plan.  Starting your own business or writing the book you've been planning for years.  Enrolling in a class here or there to get the training you need to help provide for your family when your little ones are not so little anymore. 

There’s something about that ache, that passion, that needs to be listened to.  It’s a part of who you are and that means something.  It’s ok to embrace that part of you and even find ways to nurture it.  

God designs each of us with talents and desires, personality and strengths.  The parts of you that make you who you are - they make you the right mom for these kids and the best wife for this husband, too.  They are not to be forgotten because you are so busy doing laundry and trying to figure out why your child is hungry ALL THE TIME.  

Give yourself permission to dream.  Recognize that this season of life is not forever.  That your children will benefit from seeing a mom who finds time to reenergize with something that brings her joy (outside of successful potty training).  

Admit that you are more than a housekeeper.  You bring your unique personality and approach to this job and you don’t need to compare yourself to anyone else or how they do things.  

If you love every second of your Mommy job, celebrate it.  

If you don’t, drop the guilt and give yourself permission to dream.  

The big ideas might have to wait a little while until the diapers have disappeared and the Candy Land games have been passed on.  The place you are at is exactly where God needs you at this moment.  But don’t forget about what was at the core of the girl you once were.  

Mama, give yourself permission to dream. 

“..Speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is Christ.  From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.”  Ephesians 4:15,16

Go back to Jill's blog and click on the next blogger for more inspiration and community!  And come back soon to consider more about this dreaming stuff.  What have you given yourself permission to dream?

Refocusing

As usual, Hearts-at-Home National Conference was fabulous. It was different for me this year, but it was still good. When it was all over I had a lot of processing to do, and to be honest I’m still working on it. I noticed that when I came home Brad was prepared for me to come in and announce whatever life changes I would now be implementing. After 7 years, he has learned. And I think he appreciates that usually it’s good stuff that benefits our marriage and our family.

Every year I think I come home and say “I need to re-focus.” It’s not a bad thing. It reminds me of one of the sessions we attended called Professional Parenthood. Kendra and John Smiley shared how we can approach our job as parents as a professional would approach their job. For example, ‘professionals’ set goals, and setting goals for our kids can help us figure out what they need from us. Professionals also EVALUTE themselves TRUTHFULLY. I think that’s what Hearts at Home does for me. It gives me an opportunity to think about what I’m doing and what I could be doing better. It helps me to separate the big issues from the minor ones. And it gives me the resources I need to find solutions to those issues.

So as usual, I’m ‘refocusing.’ I need to straighten out my priorities. I think I spend too much time online and not enough time washing clothes. I have been really focused on myself and my new life goals, lately. This is painfully obvious, but: just because I think I’m done having kids, doesn’t mean I can move onto the next phase. The next phase is not about me. It’s about being the hands-on parent I want to be: creating a structured safe-haven for my kids where they will be given tough choices and taught to handle success and failure in a loving family. It’s about them. And as much I think it would be fun to go after my master’s degree or write a book, the priority needs to be passionate parenting.

Of course my sanity depends on writing. I have to write. I have to have some time for me and my brain. I know I need to have an identity separate from that of MOM. But I think my biggest passion right now needs to be Motherhood. And I’m excited about that. Again.

Life-Changing

Been a few weeks since I posted and I'm well aware of the fact. I want to be writing, but there is so much to do! Life is good lately, just busy.

But Hearts at Home is in one week and I'm really looking forward to it. I know I could use the fill-up and I am excited to come home more enthusiastic and refreshed for my family. Hearts has been such a life-changing experience for me over the years. Here is a list of advice I've gotten from Hearts at Home Conference that has changed my life. It is no particular order. (Although the first two were from year one. That was an emotional year for sure.)

1. Your life needs margins. Do what you have to do to get them.

2. If you have a demon, you need to face him; for the sake of your children, your husband, and yourself.

3. If you want to be a good parent, take care of your marriage. Find time to get away together. You're kids will benefit greatly.

4. You are someone apart from being a mom. Figure out who it is, because someday your babies will grow up and you will need a life.

5. God made you a mom for these kids very much on purpose. Don't be so hard on yourself. You have special qualities that make you the best person for this job.

6. Sex is really a big deal for your marriage. So is communicating. Find a way to fulfill the needs of both parties.

7. You're not alone.

8. Get a family picture taken. Even if it's just a snapshot. Print it 5x7 or bigger. Hang it in your house. It will be uplifting to you and your kids.

9. Take time for yourself. Also, take time to hang out with Jesus - just the two of you.

10. Pray without ceasing.

I believe they still accept walk-ins, if you're interested! Let me know, I'll meet you there! ;)

Living With Less so Your Family Has More

I am excited to share a fun opportunity with you!

To celebrate the release of Hearts at Home’s newest book: Living With Less So Your Family Has More, by Jill and Mark Savage, the Hearts at Home blog is launching the Living with Less Contest.

Email Hearts at Home a story or money-saving tip that gives a peek into your daily experiences representing the humor, richness, or spiritual aspects of what it’s like to live with less.

Better yet, blog readers will benefit as many of the money-saving entries will be posted on the Heart’s blog throughout the month of February!

For contest details go here!

Good Enough. Really?

One of the sessions I went to at Hearts at Home was Dr. Kevin Leman's session on Birth Order. I've been wanting to read his book for years, fascinated with his theories about how birth order influences our personality and relationships. It's pretty convincing, especially when he describes YOU, with special note of the nasty traits that you don't really like to think other people are paying attention to.

After I wrote that sentence, I read it about three times. Then I typed, 'how was that for a horrible sentence?' This brings me to the inspiration for writing today. I started the book last week and I've made it through the chapter on what it means to be an oldest, and now I've begun the part on perfectionism.

The question of whether I'm a perfectionist has always eluded me. I know that I have some perfectionist issues, but overall I'm a mess, so I figured I didn't fit the bill. So I took the quiz today. He throws it at me on the 2nd page of this chapter, without much time to prepare. I took it, surprised that the questions were not about organization or getting places on time. Instead he asks questions like "Do mistakes irritate you?" and "Do you use the word 'should' a lot?" Or how about this one - "Do you find yourself apoogizing for certain work because you could have done it better if you had had more time?"

Uh, Yeah. I do that.

So the scoring looks like this:
If you score an
11-16 = mild perfectionist
17-25 = medium perfectionist
26-33 = extreme perfectionist, and he adds (you're too hard on yourself and everyone else)

So my score is 26. And I was a little thrown. Maybe you aren't. But I am.
And there are a lot of weaknesses of an oldest child that I have worked on and I feel good about - Like I've learned to say no. And I try not to worry so much about the rules. Well, some of them. I hope that I don't "fail to pay attention to the more intuitive opinions of others."
I didn't understand how this perfectionism stuff works. But apparently my messiness and procrastination are tools that I use to cover up my not-so-perfect results, or put off the not-so-perfect future.

Leman's book isn't about making me feel more inadequate. It's about understanding yourself better so that you can make the most of your strengths. AND try to help your kids, and not hinder them, with all the birth orders pushing them around (her own birth order as well as those of her parents). I'm looking forward to reading more about this. Could there be a day when I don't over-criticize every word I type or read? Overanalyze everything I do? Could I spare my oldest a similar fate?

I'll keep you posted. Meanwhile I'll try not to overanalyze my personality. Or my kids'. Or this post that I just wrote...

Real

Lights are low, music is loud, laughter is everywhere. We’re dancing and praising.
Hands in the air.

Reflection.
Wisdom.
6,000 other Moms sharing…
Tears.

A jolt to the system. A burst of refreshment. A new way of seeing.
Change.
Exhaustion.

I’ve been to conferences before… to large gatherings of Christians who share wisdom and struggles. These events from my youth got the adrenaline rushing and the high filled me up.

And then what happened?
Often I learned something. Frequently, I took something away. But never was I as exhausted as I am when I leave Hearts at Home.

I’m older now, of course. And I understand more about life changes. And mercy and grace. But I think there is something else different about Hearts.
There’s nothing wrong with these gatherings I went to years ago. They had a purpose in my life.
But the Hearts at Home mission is so clear, there is no confusion about what it offers me. I know how I fit in here. And because this mission is clear, the Holy Spirit can easily work miracles.

This year’s theme was Real Moms. Real Lives. Real Stories.
You can imagine that I loved this theme. It reiterates the things that spoke to me my first Hearts at Home conference. (This was my 6th! Wow.) Here are 5 Truths founder and Executive Director of Hearts at Home, Jill Savage shared in opening session:

Moms –
1. You are not alone.
2. We all have 3 kinds of stories: humorous, heartwarming, hard
3. We need to share our stories because they help other moms feel normal.
4. We are real moms and we need a real relationship with Jesus.
5. Today is the first day of the rest of your story.

By the end of the trip I was emotionally drained and exhausted. I had little left for my friends. I could barely carry on conversation. (Sorry girls!) But like one of my friends said – “The great thing about this conference is that I can’t wait to get home to my family when it’s over.” So true. Maybe Saturday night I didn’t have the energy to implement much, but I brought so much back that is Real, that I can use. And besides that stuff, I brought back a renewed mission and a new mindset. A Real one. I’m not a perfect Mom and I don’t have perfect kids. My husband lacks perfection (at least some of the time :) and our circumstances are certainly not perfect. But my Jesus is. And so is His strength. And He knows all this and gave me what I need – the recipe for the family that honors Him. My real Jesus made me a real mom with a real story that needs to be written for Him.

Today is the first day of the rest of my story.