behind the smiles of cheers and giving...

its christmas again, admist all the hussle and bussle and tussle of christmas shopping, christmas presentations, gatherings etc, wat is behind all that?

behind all the smiles, cheers and giving?

R we doin it becoz the world is following the trend? Because its the season. over the years the trend shows that the essence of christmas is nothing more than a stressful mth of preparations. Nothing more than just ppl doin or following for the sake tat its christmas.

I guess many of us get caught up. I know i did. I got too caught up with my ownself tat i forgot the essence of doing wat i was suppose to do. Its not tat everythin will be perfect. We know humans can never be but when we align, when we join someone who has always been ard frm the beginning of time, watever we do will be to His purpose, to His liking, to His own doing, and through Him perfect.

We are nothing more than vessels sailing ard in a constant storm of ideals, meanings and struggles. BUt it just takes one voice, one person, one event to totally calm the storms in our lives. WE can not add value to tat which we hv no control of. We can't do anything for a being who is omniscient and ever present. We can only put our trust and faith in Him, who in ages past had given us the reason to continue on living. The reason why we must constantly improve, the reason we kp living. He is, He was and He will ever be.

Because we hv one life, Christmas should be a time of focusing on the joy of sharing this gift we have received. Its not because of who we are. Its not because of who I am. Its because the person who gave this gift chose to give it to a person so undeserving and in doin so we are idebted to not only kp looking up to this person but to carry on living in the knowledge of this person. ANd in doing so we pass on this knowledge as our lives reflect the person who is in control.

As much as He is a person, He is also a God whom we fear. But if a God so big can come down to me, how abt us?

I know behind our smiles and cheers, nothing is transparent, yet as much as it is, I pray God just let us kp looking forward, not unto ourselves but unto Him. ANd asking HIm the right qns.
Its not wat His will is for me, but wat is His will tat I may join Him. ANd it all boils down to my personal relationship with Him. As much as the past is there, it will always be there, it is wat has made us who we are. The baggage we carry will always be in the carriage he has given.

If life seemed so colluded, last nite God just removed that veil frm me. I've been foolish....And He has forgiven me.

november rains...

in a sphere feeling everything is not within control. Its like losing grip of somethin. Now that dec has started, it somehow started on a sour note... NOting how lil wkends i hv and dat today is a day of seeing some faces i get to see only once a yr for the nxt dunnoe how many yrs of my life... I feel so robbed dat it just had to happen as such... Plus i guess another feeling is dat, i guess i hv to live a life dats so unpredictable. Its not as if i hv a choice or wat. If i did i would put everythin in it lar...but...

Wat do we do when nobody listens?
Who do we seek when everything seems silent?
When you go unheard, who'd bother?
AS much as I'm overwhelmed by me
Who stands out in the midst of this darkness?
Who'll stick out his hand and pull me through?
Who'll say those three words and lend me a shoulder to rest on?
AS much as I'm overwhelmed by me
Who'll be beside me?
Who'll say I'm not alone?
Who'll say let's carry on?
WHo'll say let's sit and pray as we go through this together...
As much as I'm overwhelmed by me
I conclude...
Nobody but You will fulfill my needs...
Nobody but the very warmth of Your words will soothe my soul
Nobody but You can lift my life frm this silence
NObody but you can make me see and jump for joy
NObody absolutely nobody can calm this frustrated heart
I conclude...
I'm missing You again
And it's me who let's You go
And it's me who just forsakes you
And it's me who looks upon my guilt
And it's me....
Not you because I need You

Sometimes I feel tat its no pt telling how you reli feel. Because honestly I think its just my character to not say wats inside lest I be provoked to say it. But most of the time when I do I just implode. And wat comes up is a mesh of things tat reli dun make sense... HOnestly this feelin is probably close to that feelin on the night when i slept staring at the stars all alone. BUt its no pt repeating it, the past built me to who I am...

If i let it repeat it just means I didn't learn. BUt am I in the verge of closing up? Someone throw that wrench to kp me open...

I've been v.emo lately...I guess its frm the fact I'll be leavin my boys and embark on a new journey with my new boys. As if there is no closure for me. But even if there isn't I just pray for strength and perseverance to carry on. ALso i guess its becoz this dec, is tough. ANd i pray ppl understand. ANd i just kp doin my part. ANyway I've gotta go now. And i guess now i noe why they say november rain...

its another chapter closed, and the memories will just remain as it is...till we meet again someday on this journey called life...

Its funny, reli it is. My upcoming december would be one busy one. Laden with much uncertainty. There is a performance, my new boys and a project to do plus the building, mainitaining and renewing of friendships/relationships. Honestly as the year is drawing to an end, I've been thinking of the prayers I've prayed at the beginning. The thing abt consistency, I believe God's given me a particular consistency that I am please abt. And I remembered that I did ask for it. And honestly thinking of the opportunities of being involved in the activities and reli reli missing church ppl, its reli somesort a blessing. ANd it seems my life on the island seems to be blessed as well, as I said in my previous post, I was privelleged to hv met these boys and I pray that they carry on frm whr they left. And I won't say I did it all, there was of course the meetin of my fellow frens on that island as well who hv put their share of work. So for my dec, I just pray that the one thing that kps irking me and kps making me go back to the same crossroad just goes away/calms down/just gets answered. BUt watever it is, I know He'll give wat's best. I can only do so much to plan ahead. Am reli excited abt the prospect of inspiring more lives. Maybe in future who noes wat part I'll play in ppl's lives. But all in all I just pray that I'll be satisfied. And being satisfied is reli difficult in context to our times. And reli sometimes I just pray that I dun be too proud and noe my limits...And just be teachable...

Do we rely on signs to decide our lives?
If so how who sends them?
Do they come by chance?
If so are they dictated by some being?

How does he know us?
Do I assume its a he or a she?
How does it do it?
Because it can be anything or anyone...

Just a random thought... honestly some ppl will never think beyond a certain line, once the reach it they will push further upwards but end up only diggin deeper beyond tat line becoz they can never find an answer to the question they are asking... Dats the world today and its seen everywhr...

As artists, if we drive our art by the hate we harbor against the world, wat good would you do to this world that has more than enough hate?

An after thought of today's fact frm a survey in an art sch. And its sad to say art tends to the individual, and the over indulgence in the self only ends up in repeating what some greats could never come to...

in summary...

I don't intend to make this long. But if I do, I guess its just in the flow.

Anyway, do you know how it feels to see lives changed? Wells today on our march back, I felt it, and if I hadn't held back I would hv teared all the way back in camp. Over the past wk, I saw the fruits of labor and hardwork. I wouldn't say it was all mine and I do not wish to take all the credit for their success. As much as I am proud of wat I've done, I m more proud of them for reaching whr they are now. Thank You.

If you hadn't taught me, hadn't moulded me the way I am, hadn't touched my life, I would not have been able to do wat I've done. And as much as I see them grow day by day, I honestly owe their success to You.

How could I describe them to you all. You just hv to see em. And I can say that they hv made my vision come true. As much as they get moody and stuff and become ill-disciplined and slow and watsoever, I can see that growth.

As much as there is to celebrate, there are things that go through my mind, like after this now wat? How do I carry on to my next batch of boys? How do I treat em? Becoz they will be different from this special lot.

Only YOu can show me how.

Sometimes,

weeks pass by so quickly, that the things you wanna share just build up. ANd when the time comes to tell it, you just cant or the opportunity slips pass. Sometimes it gets how do you explain it, the feeling when you just wanna share...share with someone who would just listen. BUT that's not quite a prob. Gettin used to it. Just sharing here and there and as I realise I end up tellin the same ppl the same thing again...

Strength and discipline and humility.

As empty as my life shd be, I say it isnt.

Its as fulfilling as pursuing a degree, a career, a life partner...

Its how we see it, approach it, do it....

Perspective...

HOnestly to my boys,

From the bottom of my heart I pray that you gain some meaning from your years whr you are.

SO in summary....

That's abt it...

*insert expression....

relieved to be at home for a substantial amount of time. Not sayin i'm complainin abt wats goin on. BUt if not for the loss... I wouldn't feel so this way. Ok no one died no one got hurt and i am fine except for the fact tat i lost it. I lost tat thing u hv to bring along wherever u go. Tat thing tat u use in order to consume products. And honest i've pieced up 3theories and apparently 2 are a dead end and the third is half dead. The only other theory I chose not to believe was dat someone actually walked in my room and took it... Wat a time to reli need a listening ear huh...

wells let me carry on ranting i guess.

SOmetimes i wonder If i'm being too hard on myself. COncealing the real initial feelings. THe normal reactions of how one should act. Its funny how i can just not show my sadness. Its the facade tat's easier to pull than reli show who u are inside.

ITs easier right? To put a defense than be vulnerable and open to the slightest attack(wells attack not in a bad way).

ANyway honestly even though things happen i guess for reasons, and i cant help but wonder why out of all times things happen at this particular moment. oh wells if i were to insert an expression i'd be confused coz i'm not sure wat to feel...

okok enough of the self pitying. SOrta organised my head on wat steps to take to tackle this situation. Rather then let it overtake my senses and worry, shall be hopeful. If hope fails, than i hv to do wat is required...

"I've stumbled upon a treasure chest, and I want to share the gold. But as I begin to share it, I can't help but think why not keep it all for me? Because the more I share the less I'll have. The more I give the more I'll lose. Like a slow rotting disease, the thought etched its way into my soul. The poison began to clot my ability to see beyond the giving.

Like a modern day shylock giving had to be restricted, reserved and have a specific gain. Without a thought for the needs of others, I only see me...."

"What makes you give your last cookie away?
Or help me clean my room all day
Why would you let me use your stereo
or save me the middle of your oreo...

Why do you always try to be
there when I really really need you
There to care, you're always willing to share
Love makes a friend be a friend like you
Love makes a friendship and turns it into
SOmething to last your whole life through
Love makes a friend be a friend like you...

What makes you give your heart away...
What makes you open up and say
All of the feelings that you hold inside
All of the feelings that you try to hide...

Why do you always try to be
there when I really really need you
There to care, you're always willing to share
Love makes a friend be a friend like you
Love makes a friendship and turns it into
SOmething to last your whole life through
Love makes a friend be a friend like you... "

Was looking for this for quite some time. AM actually seeing pretty far. And am making some plans to reach that which i see. BUt the fine line is, whether wat i see i wat God sees...

We all plan, we all want to make a difference somewhere. But is tat whr we ought to be? Or is dat wat we ought to be doin?

Day by day, clues are falling. But the challenge seems mounting... I ask how will I do it. THe only answer is... just... There is never a place for giving up. Never a place to say it cannot be done. Never a situation to hard to overcome. BUt we dont overcome it alone. We dun overcome it alone. Many things we can do by ourselves, but the joy of doing comes in the sharing....ANd the burden of loss is divided when many are one...

the one with all the thoughts...

To be a mother, a father, a brother, a sister
To be a teacher, a disciplinarian, a friend
A foe...
To be the one who lifts them up when they're down
TO be the one who corrects their wrong
TO be the one who motivates and becomes the wet blanket
To be the one they turn to and yet not depend upon
To be the one who sees them through
To be the one who imparts his experience
TO be there and yet not there
To be the one who steps aside so they can shine
TO be the light that pierces the darkest night
To be a hope, a joy, a burden, a smile
To be a trust, a betrayer...
To be sincere, honest and just me...

WE may take up many roles in the lives of ppl
WE may be forced to play some part
Whatever it is, whatever it takes and whatever the cost
Play it well...

Somehow after a wk, walked into one of the offices and i somehow stumbled upon this song. And it sounded so familiar. And i remembered abt a yr ago this was the song tat we once rehearsed to in one of our exercises. A journey and a conflict of staying and leaving. Anyway realised whr i am there are many lines to tread and many fine lines not to cross. Just the passing wk, I reli gave my boys something to think abt. And somehow raised the bar on my expectations of them. Furthermore am reli beginning to anticipate how they will grow in the comin wks.

Anyway am pretty tired, frm wat i m certainly not sure...

off...

as i'm typin this probably my boys are like changin up for lunch and preparin for the chin-up regime. just touch down at home after duty manning the coy phoneline(more like manning the couch as i had practically nothin to do). Anyway it was an interestin wkend. Kinda full of certain events tat got me ponderin on that empty sunday.

Wells honestly that last sat wasnt a gd one. Left home feelin as if i've wronged someone esp dad i guess. It just felt as if he were fuming at us i guess. THat is us boys at home just stuck at the com and like not wanting to lift a finger. I could justify my stand yet i hate to even make one as they are all practically excuses.

Anyway on my empty sunday, somehow was filled with insights. Guess wat, becoz of a movie it somehow struck me at how i've somehow been entering in this world of self-isolation. ANd it was interesting how i was shown wat i was becomin. Its something i dun wanna be or happen. BUt somehow i was glad of the lil glimpses of lights tat kp me seeking the world outside and not be encapsulated by the thoughts that could make me just grow cold. I guess wat i found interestin was the lines that governed the relationships i had.

To my fam, frens and of course my boys(who i think are still in the process of changing right now). BUt honestly i reli thank God dat i din get consumed by my own thoughts. SOmehow on tat empty sunday i was filled again. Recharged and just assured once more that even as i walk the uncertain lines, my steps would be measured.

HOnestly, there's more to say yet not sure how to word it here. been havin a bloggers block. yet i guess there are reasons why things happen. Reasons why we do the things we do. Reasons why we structure and make our relationships as such. Reasons why we hold back and let go. ANd hopefully the only reason we're doin this is not for ourselves(gosh cant believe its my old sch motto) but for others but ultimately becoz its the right thing to do. Free to do wat's right. Free to follow ur heart. THe catch is who's in ur heart...

I guess it all comes down to dat. anyway still wondering wat i'll be doin later... oh ya now my boys are prolly fallin in for lunch...oh wells till next time. now i'm off to bed and probably a peace of mind hahas.

the sunny island...

i guess i grew a few shades darker and prolly an inch thicker on the waist. But in terms of thinking of how to make things better in bringin up my boys in the way they shd, everyday its a challenge to not lose it. IN a sense there is a very thin line btw lenient and harsh, doing wat ur suppose to do or doin to much and so it goes on. Daily i feel tested becoz there are eyes all ard. Every word i say, every action i do is weighed and i am sized up.

reflectin on the past wks with my boys, i am rather thankful tat we hv establish a sort of understanding. Tat as much as i expect stds, i am open and willing to serve them to my capacity. but honestly sometimes i weigh my own actions and my words. I wonder if i've said wat i was suppose to or do wat i was suppose to. many a times i feel stumped at how my seniors do things. Like thoughts such as this go through my head( geez am i too nice? too lenient?)

but then again why shd i adhere to this thoughts of mine? becoz i've decided tat i m free to do wat is right. and if i justify it and prove that it works then why not? after all this is my first time and i guess the approach i'm takin accordin to a friend is one whr my boys may end up takin advantage of me....yet in my head i hv visualized a day tat would happen and am aware that it could. becoz after all humans can be predictable. tats why it feels like i'm playin dodge ball dodgin and manouvering in order not to get hit. but even so. if i do get hit and i fall, why shdnt i get up again and try again?

its been only 2 out of 13wks with my boys, and yet i feel exhausted as if i've climbed a mountain. oh wells sometimes i guess life is made up of many choices and daily i m makin many becoz everythin i do will indirectly or directly cement a life( a persons mindset, behaviour and perspective)...

i love my boys...yet at times i wish they were much better...yet again i noe its only been 14 days...but i can see some signs that its workin. and i thank God for every single day tat i can sleep easy and wake up to take my boys to breakfast and go through another day smoothly...

tats my take on this sunny island for now....

wks to come

wells how to say. anxiety and excitement mixed with abit of uncertainty. perfect cocktail to start with my first batch of boys. but will see how it goes. daily been challenged by our dear master trainer to be extraordinary.

wats the difference btw the person nxt to me? wat do i hv tat others dun hv? honestly been thinking. The ans may be simple but do i reli believe it? Probably seldom ppl do think in organisations such as this. BUt honestly it does make me wonder.

Here we go!

our deepest fear...

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
Timo Cruz(Character from the movie Coach Carter)

i believe this wk was one of self realisation n really diggin deep within. Not sure about the others, but somehow I realise tat the organisation i am servin in seems to be tryin to do away with an image tat most in this society are holding as the norm. The scary thing is that wat they perceive as the usual everyday thing, appears to be the very thing that it shdnt be.

how do i explain?

I guess learnin to be wat they want us to be is like fitting us into an ideal mould tat many ppl seem to find ridiculously impossible or unheard of.

firstly i feel its because of our own experience in tat island. coming in contact and bein under the very ppl we ought to(and not to) emulate. Its like it's so hard to believe that a simple job such as handlin this grp can be much more than just handling. It could be greater....

i couldn't comprehend as to why some feign to reli do it and find it totally stupid? a waste of time and just some ideal jargon dat is not worth trying at all. It seems right but why some find it not? Are we so caught up with a picture of ourselves in a position whr those under us is at our mercy?

Sad but true.

I feel many of us fear to break frm it. Fear to reli try it out. Fear to reli take on this role. To be there. Not just as a person of authority and kicking their butts the extra mile but ultimately for them to come out a soldier and a better person. ANd in the end make us all realise that we are human. After all we are dealing with human beings right?

I noe it wont be easy. I noe that many would not like or may find it irritating that one would actually follow this approach(the approach set by wat we learnt over the past days). But who am i to say so much still because after 6mths away frm this place i can touch my heart tat many things may hv changed for the better or worse and wat my perceived awareness compounded with ignorance as well as nervousness, i may not see the full picture yet. But honestly, I dun think everyone in tat island isnt doin wat they are suppose to,(i noe tat there are good and bad) but somehow this few days hv struck me at the amt of responsibility we hv becoz of the great power we can command.

But honestly I feel dat ultimately it lies in our choice. Whether we want to come face to face with this challenge and set our minds free frm the initial thoughts we hv. Honestly a reflection of the quote above has been in my head for a mth but somehow cant quite comprehend or reli understand wat it meant, and only now it somehow connects(because i see it in us). That we are great beyond our measure. We can indeed be better than we are perceived to be. I noe this becoz of the attitude and the despise that many ppl hv said abt ppl like us. Eg. "(PLACE NAME) that place ar? Train so hard to go there ar? CLimb so much knoll for tat ar? Oh poor thing? This place not tough? n so on....

And it can go on. BUt i guess this few days i realised how much we can do. Not just for ourselves but for tat person who may be walking through tat jetty. And knowing that we hv laid a foundation for tat person to become someone(second part of the quote). But yea its just thoughts but i suppose to be able to produce action one must ponder upon them so as to act upon them.

I reli feel privelleged to be challenged and questioned internally. so much so i couldnt sleep at night and reli feel thankful for the journey thus far. But honestly do i believe in the opportunities tat lie ahead? Or will i just let it flow through my fingers like sand? It will always be a choice laden with fear. Not fear becoz u r afraid. Fear becoz of the pressure ard u. Peers, society, family and other stuff....

Anyway dun intend to drown ya. But reli hv we reli thought abt our deepest fear?

:)

That is a smile to savour. Never have I seen a smile full of relief, happiness and abit of expectation(meaning wondering wat would come next). It comes to me as if he is sayin, "its over and Thank God its finally over."

As gruelling as the times may hv been for him-climbin those hills, running those distances- one thought was always in head, "i'd get through this". There were moments he admits where he thought he could not go on, where he thought tat this may be the final step he'd take and dropout. Initially he thought he was not up to the task. Yet he did it. He made it. He marched out tat parade square proud tat he did. Thank God dat he did.

Now back to a place he calls home, he looks back and thinks of the lessons he has learnt. Lessons that may not meet the aims the organisation hopes to achieve, but lessons tat will leave an imprint in him forever.

I guess one thing is for sure he has seen the worst and the best of himself and of ppl. He has seen tat being put through this fire he has seen how his patience has been put to the limit, how he has reacted to situations, how he as a person has grown.

As sobering as some things may be he realises tat he has alot to go through in this refining of oneself. Because after all its just another stage in the process. We arent the finished product yet. NO ONE IS TILL THEY LET THEIR LAST BREATH OUT. Or so I think. I am not promoting that this period of time is a life changer, but rather I am sayin that it is an opportunity to allow ur life to be changed. Whether u take on the values this organisation preaches or enhance and strengthen the values you've had. After all there are always 2 sides to everything. SOME just wanna go through this moments blindly and just do it for the sake of it because there is no choice. BUT i really beg to differ. If we wallow at the places we end up in and not seize every chance and opportunity, i'd say it'd be a waste.

Though some say tat the place he'll be goin is a place whr he may rot and just end up like the rest who has been. But that's the challenge. He doesnt wanna wallow and waste. He wants to try to make the best out of this. Even as frustratin and repetitive it would be he wants to believe that there can be something better that can come out of it. That yes its soldiers he may be trainin but after all its humans/ppl he'll be dealing with.

He looks forward to it. He relishes the opportunity. Yet at the back of his mind he feels wat he has gained through those wks leadin up to this moment may not be applied. And may feel inadequate. But he know's that is the challenge after all? TO see wat can be applied.

One thing tugs at his heart now.

It is that feeling of reaching out. Connecting and communicatin to ppl whom he misses. The need to express. The need to understand and be understood. The ability to just be who he is and feel the warmth of real friendship. Not sayin he din find any during his time there. But its different. He'd say he had many buddies and friends, but none in which he can reli just be him. Probably its the things they are interested in, the things they talk abt. But i guess thats the lesson he learns that sometimes not everything can meet our needs, but it will be met somehow sometimes someday.(the days came unexpectedly and he cherishes them)

Anyway i guess one picture can mean alot. I am intrigued by this photo as it just summarises and reminds me of a phase and a stage, whr I went through neither heaven nor hell but to put it simply it was a lil bit of both in a place called hotel...

I will miss those days and look forward to more days such as those...

qn marks...

honestly its been almost half a yr doin wat i'm doin. Not reli sure if i'm beginnin to like it or wat, but somehow with the monotonous kind of routine life n most of the time being away frm ppl whom u wish to see and connect with, not reli sure how long can i hold on. BUt honestly am reli thankfully tat I do hv ppl who remember me in prayer and at times try to encourage me and kp me goin on.

I wouldnt say that my path is easy. Its basically an expressway with many exits and if i'm not careful i may miss an impt turn or be sucked into the caravan tat i din wanna go. BUt so far this kind of life has made me sit in wonder, even in times of just sittin down and admiring the stars at night, a gentle breeze brings me to wonder of the comfort of being hugged.

I'm not sayin i'm caged or wat, but yea though at times i may not be ard sometimes i wish i was.

Apart frm the present i've never reli thought abt the future... Even as much as i wished my life was pretty set and assured i.e know wat course i'll be goin to or wat i'd be doin for the rest of my life, one thing is for certain is tat anythin can happen. All i can do for now is live each day one day at a time and let the choices i make today influence the future that i m so excited to explore...

I guess i dun hv much time to reli sit and recollect and recount my life. Its been v.fast. And its almost comin to the end of the yr and i'll be enterin the last quarter of 2007. So i still wonder how much hv i changed? HOw much hv i grown in wisdom and in spirituality? How abt my conduct? How abt my relationships with my family? Friends? Honestly sometimes I wonder why we wait till the last minute to recall all this? oh wells i guess i cant reli express myself much...

Though many things are in my head and like i noe this phase of my life is gonna send me to another place after i graduate nxt thurs...Though i may not know whr i go or wat tomorrow will bring, honestly i'm just leaving it alone and just do wat i can for today...

HOnestly i miss alot yet as much as i miss it i wonder wat i am missin...oh wells here's a song tat sorta touched me and reminded me of the wks i've been away...somehow overall this song sums up wat i reli wanna say....


I Know Who Holds Tomorrow
words and music by Ira Stanphill

I don't know about tomorrow,
I just live from day to day.
I don't borrow from it's sunshine,
For it's skies may turn to gray.
I don't worry o'er the future,
For I know what Jesus said,
And today I'll walk beside Him,
For He knows what is ahead.

Refrain
Many things about tomorrow,
I don't seem to understand;
But I know Who holds tomorrow,
And I know Who holds my hand.

Ev'ry step is getting brighter,
As the golden stairs I climb;
Ev'ry burden's getting lighter;
Ev'ry cloud is silver lined.
There the sun is always shining,
There no tear will dim the eyes,
At the ending of the rainbow,
Where the mountains touch the sky.

Refrain
Many things about tomorrow,
I don't seem to understand;
But I know Who holds tomorrow,
And I know Who holds my hand.

I don't know about tomorrow,
It may bring me poverty;
But the One Who feeds the sparrow,
Is the One Who stands by me.
And the path that be my portion,
May be through the flame or flood,
But His presence goes before me,
And I'm covered with His blood.

Refrain
Many things about tomorrow,
I don't seem to understand;
But I know Who holds tomorrow,
And I know Who holds my hand.

how far can i go...

the nxt few wks would prove to be the toughest and most memorable ones*(i pray). Just thinking abt wat i will be doin in the nxt 3 wks makes me feel as if i'm starin up mount everest. With all this talk of doin our best and performing wat we hv learnt, its just pressure to be prepared and to survive.

I guess i wont be ard to know wats goin on ard me, will probably lag behind in many things. I guess it would be tiring. I guess it would be reli reli tough. I guess it wont be as easy as it seems. Though i wont be near nor will i be contactable for sometime, i guess it would be a way of learnin how its like not to be close to home?

goin to a faraway place but not for long... the challenge is overcoming myself becoz i can feel the fears filling me...

i noe the voices are not mine, the voice tat whispers in my head are not mine. Its just a voice dat only wants me to stop believing that i can. Yet out of all the noise one voice is still clear to me. The voice tat gets me goin for the past few wks and so on...

oh wells....

if others hv survived. so can i. God will protect me and give me strength...

missing...

i guess being an emotional being its only normal to just feel like the song does... Okay i may over exaggerate wat i may say coz i'm a guy who sometimes trusts his feelings too much to the pt he may be mislead by it or even be afraid of it. But oh wells been havin wks of just reli missing ppl to be honest wks of not havin a wkend to just wring out myself and catch up with ppl whom i guess reli wanna meet and find them dear...

I guess one time in my bunk i somehow journalled tat i'm blessed with family and friends. Dear ones and distant ones. And the truth that though friends may come and go, may forget us, may hurt us and may even just disappear frm ur life, the friendship will never die. Because down the road of life when paths meet again we'd still have a vague memory of this recognisable face. So even though i noe tat in my lifetime i've probably lost contact with some of this frens, had failed relationships and am now in the midst of being ard frens of a different light-Yea though they r a fun bunch they're not as some would say kindred souls whom u'd share ur woes? ok i'm not sayin they arent capable, but its just different- i guess i can still wave a hand and ask how are you doin today?

I aint complainin or wat but i guess sometimes its good to be able to mix with all sorts of ppl, making lots of frens and knowing ppl, but not being able to see those close to you for sometime makes u miss the warmth and sometimes the joy u rarely get.

But one thing I've learnt is contentment and to just be thankful for the moments we are in everyday. Like even though we hv missed chances, missed opportunities and even get shot in the heart over miscommunications, we gotta kp carrying on and not hold back and end up stuck in longin or wantin coz the constant longin will never come and the constant wantin will just drive u crazy and bring u down.

I guess a moment i can relate was just last wk on how some of us in our bunks reacted to our fate over the wkend(wont say wat fate). Upon hearing the news i guess wat we did was to just enjoy the night, so we like ordered 26pieces of chicked and 5burgers plus a few tubs of whip potato and coleslaw and packed ourselves to the late of nite. And an after thought was that i did enjoy that moment of being with em. Also visitin a fren in hospital who went through the same things i did and i'd say is one of my best buds and seein others who came, i'd say it was a nice feelin to be with em and reminisce and joke abt how my bud ended up in hospital...

okok wells i'm not gonna go and write a thesis or wat, but yea its only normal for one to feel this way. And as much as i am an emotional person i cant let these emotions drive me or even let situations dictate how i react.

Anyway i guess afterall this missin thing wat can i do abt it? I guess only one thing? Just do it. I guess i reli wanna see some ppl b4 i go off for a long three wks. And yea prayin for opportunities to come. BUt ultimately family comes b4 frens :)

oh wells heres a thought i got frm watchin a movie just now(i'm a sucker for korean movies now and prolly u'll noe why i put the song here hehe)

"like the wind u embrace me in moments like this..."

a thought, tat when the wind blows i always think tat someone out there is givin me a hug. then again i'd its God who's holdin me and keeping me. Coz out of all the friends in the world i miss this one the most right now and His ppl...

Ps: i guess i hv to relate one moment whr i know he was watchin over me.

was sittin down in the hole i dug and i guess since it was mid afternoon we were all just tired after a night of unsuccessful digs. I fell asleep and woke up to a buzzing sound. I saw this "bee-like thing" it was black in colour with wings decorated with silvery blue just like a butterfly. It was buzzing really noisily and circling whr i was sitting. My instince just told me to stand up and get out of my hole. As i got up i saw the bee-like thing fly down to the bottom of my hole and attack a spider as big as 3 of my fingers. There was a fight and struggle as the bee-like thing stung the spider many times. I was mesmerised and had to tell my buddy wat i just experienced. I stood next to his hole and said, "i just experienced discovery channel and thank God tat thing got the spider b4 the spider got me." I chuckled after saying tat.

I continued to observe the buzzing thing and took a step to the right, then suddenly *creak crash* boom*....

To my astonishment tat sound was a durian falling frm abt 5-7 stories high? And the impact of the durian just missed my head by a few inches and my left shoulder by a few centimeters. And then i noticed that after it had hit the ground the durian rolled into my hole exactly at the place where i sat and where my feet were placed. For a moment i couldnt breathe but realised how close i was to being hit. In that state of shock i choked on my words and told my buddy wat just happened. As i went back to sit down, i just whispered and thanked God for that close shave. If not for that moment of grace i think i wouldnt be sitting here. And time and time again i guess its just another reminder that he is watching and reli looking out for me...

PPS:
When was the last time i said hello?
A goodbye, gave a hug or waved a hand?
When was the last time i took note
of everything you said?

Hv i lost my mind?
Did I make u cry?
Was it all a lie?
Sometimes its hard to say it all...

If i took your hand?
Will you stay around?
Will you linger on?
Even when I'm gone?

But its not simple
Its never easy
To go on like this
But still...

I know who will
Take me there
To a place where all longings end
And there will I finally see...


just random...

tryin too hard...

sometimes we just try too hard to do things. for instance i think for the past hr or so i was tryin too hard to come up with something to blog. like for instance i could blog abt my wk. and i noe i cant reveal too much or mention anythin much either than just trainins and more trainins. Wat type? wells i wont say it either. or maybe i could talk abt wat i wrote in my journals, then again i may say too much and it may not be right to put it for all to read. Then again, i wonder wat would i say tat would make someones day? Then again i think it would be tryin too hard once more and may lose its sincerety becoz right now makin someone's day is kinda diff for me. Esp when ur tired and reli need some rest and dun need ppl to nag you or irritate u esp when u find out things tat are not suppose to occur, occur. hmmmmmm interestin train of thought....

anyways right now i'm a lil flustered over things at home. lest to say its pretty not yet a home but yet again it still is a place to stay? anyway as i'm typin i'm wonderin if my laundry is doin fine. one more load and some ironing tomolo and then its back to camp!

hmmmm anyway i guess dats for now b4 i try too hard again. anyway realised some ppl do try too hard to get wat they want. i guess enjoyment comes frm just doin ur best and lovin wat u do. hahas not sayin i love wat i'm doin right now but ard with the ppl in my bunk it reli makes me wanna kp goin and not try too hard. hahas.

ok will end now....

temporary...

its good tat we now hv a place, but to settle down is far frm it... anyway just prayin tat all will go well...esp my fam and all. even if i'm not there i noe God will be there for em. esp for my mom who's been sick for th past few days...

anyway cant say much but yea will be reli squeezed for time this nxt few days. i guess till i can reli collect my thoughts.

quick one

back for awhile. wells to be short and sweet. Am havin a blast of a time in my new course. Am in a platoon with ppl i've been and seen in my previous coy so din hv to adapt to new ppl again. Plus my bunks pretty neat with ppl whom u can just chill out with. Anyways this company i'm in(and yea am not comparing or wat coz every coy has its own flaws and stuff) so far is one whr everyone despite the toughness of the trainings would just wanna strive and do their best. This wk has been drainin and its comin to the end, but so far reli thank God for just givin me strength day by day. Even when i din hv enough rest and so on, i reli just grateful for the ppl ard. But yea nxt wk won't be any different.

wells will see wat else i'd say this wkend...hehe till then

how far can it go?

there is this story i'd like to share.

There was this boy who had a burden for the ppl ard him. He couldnt bear to see the daily sufferings his family, friends and dear ones face everyday. He wanted to find a way to help this ppl. What he did was tat he went out to them tryin to solve their problems. He created this write me your problem solution and dat he'd gurrantee he'd be there and try to see through the problems of his family and frens.

The first wk was fine, only 1 problem and he quickly met the need of his fren. The nxt wk he had 2 probs. He adjusted his schedule and met the need of his fren and his brother. The wk after dat he had 4. He then again fixed his schedule to fix their problems.

From 4 it became 8, then 16 and so on. As time went on, the problems kept coming in. ANd one thing he noticed was that the friends and family whose problems he had solved b4 kept on sending in their problems to him. ANd the day he realised that was when he had to deal with 1024 problems. It hit him. His intention of helping this ppl backfired. It made them dependent on him. It didn't make them better. It didnt make them solve their problems on their own.

As he carried on dwelling on this matter, other thoughts flooded his mind. Time. He had no time for himself. HE didn't even hv time for his own problems. Yet now he felt like a fool carryin the whole world on his shoulders. He meant it for good and now he regretted it. He didn't see the long term effect of his solution. NOr did he hv a foundation for his solution. As he was surrounded by the problems of his frens and family he began to feel the weight of those problems drowning him. He thought who would now take upon these problems which are not his to begin with.

As he sank low in the pool of problems he felt a light fall upon him. His body went light and slowly he began to rise up frm the sea of problems. The warmness and the brightness of the light seemed to strengthen him and empower him. ANd not for long he realised he was standin upon the sea of problems. And there standing next to him was a man. HIs face was full of warmth, the warmth only a father could give. His eyes was full of compassion and understanding and love.

He turned towards the boy, and said to him, " I see you labor and are heavy laden. I see that your heart stirs for the people . Fret not for I will be with you. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. FOr my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."

Tears began to roll down his eyes. He fell upon his knees and broke down upon his feet. He realised how foolish he was for takin it all on his own. And he realised that all the help he could give was all but temporal. He forgot that he was only human. And human's fail. BUt this person will never fail. And he forgot to point his frens and family to HIm in the midst of helping them.

He looked upon Him and said, " Teach me your way. FOr I do not know which way to go or wat to do."
HE replied to him in a tender and reassuring voice saying, " I will instruct you and teach you in the way which you shall go: I will guide you with my eye."

At that very saying his spirit was renewed and a new strength grew frm within. Together with Him, he began to pick up the problems that hv fallen upon him. Every single one, frm his frens to his very own problems. He taught him wat to do with them. As much as he wanted to help them He reminded the boy that the only way this ppl can truly stand up is by facing the problems on their own. He went on to counsel the boy that all he had to do was to point them all to Him. Because only He could carry the weight of the world.

In an instant, the sea of problems disappeared and a voice rang out saying, "Carry on with your work and forget not that I will be with you always."


It may just be a work of imagination, but somehow I couldnt put into words the thoughts that hv been in my head. the things that I hv learnt in the span of 2wks is something i'd like to take to heart and share it with you. There are many out there facin their own problems. They all hv their needs. And they will kp on searching for means to meet their needs. Either through their frens, family, material and temporal means. Yet after awhile none of this satisfies em and often if not they tend to forget abt the need that was met before. Yet if we point them to wat lasts and to a person who will never fail em and in doing so they learn to entrust their all upon Him, their dependence will be on him and not on you. And in doing so that would be the greatest Help one can do. Because the help we provide can only do so much and much of the helping depends on the person we help. ANd often times the person who helps may not hv the patience or in time to come the means to be the need of the person he is helping. And also at times we can fail that person which would make the situation worse. And as the story explains the person rather than uplifting will be drowned by(not his own) problems he has adopted.

So far I am thankful of the lessons I've learnt and the ppl who are looking out for me and my needs. And ultimately leading me to look upon the great teacher who'd in time to come equip me as He moulds me to become who I ought to and I know that this help is eternal.

Everyone is in need. Everyone needs the attention. Even the birds in the sky. If the birds needs are met everyday how much more us who are of more meaning to the one above.


Anyway on another note, am feelin reluctant to go back to camp. hehe. KInda enjoyed my days with my FAMILY. And yea especially watchin korean dramas and movies. BUt yea either than tat will hv to contradict tat even though i'm reluctant, i am lookin forward to my upcomin phase. Don't know wat'll happen next but i sure am gonna look forward to it. ANd yea hv to learn to entrust my prayers and pray with specifics. I guess for the wks to come esp for my fam, it'd be difficult. Gotta pray for a hse to come becoz we're gettin out of this place soon. Coz the owners hv given us a deadline. And yea gotta pack things and i wonder how i'll get the time to do so. But yea Knowing God he will provide everythin..

of war, tears and happiness (3)

happiness: the feeling of being happy.

happy: feeling, showing or causing pleasure or satisfaction

this is probably the best concise definition found in the cambridge dictionary.

Happiness. Its probably one of the chief aims of us all humans. Its probably our primary desire as humans. Seeking for our own happiness. But now it makes me wonder, if i hv found dat happiness am I reli happy/satisfied/or pleased?

Tough thought huh?

Frens, shoppin, movies, chatting, surfin the net, bloggin, straight A's, gettin the courses u want, goin to ocs, etc are probably some sources of happiness for some of us. YEt somehow it doesnt reli satisfy us. FOr instance today. Met up with some of the youths today, i dunnoe but somehow the spirit was different? LIke Ok maybe i was goin with a particular need, yet I felt tat my need wasnt met with em today. Sad as it may sound but I guess its kinda foolish to hinge on to them for the satistfaction I need. I guess the same to can be said abt my bros as well.

For days I guess since 2wks ago, I've been prayin and longin for a listening ear. Someone who'd just hear me out and just be able to pour out wat bugs me and understands whr I'm comin frm yet as much as I think of it the more silly this prayer is to me. Like yea I do hv a lot of ppl to call and msg and stuff but somehow they seem pre-occupied by their own lives or the things tat they are currently doin(sch work yada yada) ANd prolly I too am pre-occupied with my own life?

WHich brings me back to the qn. Will this all make me happy?

I like to see others smile and have fun even if it means I dun hv it. If they disappoint me and dun meet my needs I won't blame them because they didn't noe and probably I din take the step to let my need be known. BUt even so I'd say the avenue to make it known is sometimes kinda shadowy. HOnestly unless i spell it out here who noes tat I got my uni application rejected? Who noes tat i cant clear my SOC because of my low rope and if i could i can get a timin under 9minutes? Who noes tat this wk alone I had to run my SOC thrice in 3 days and in between run 6k and fast march another 6k. And not fogetting tat I'm also in the drill squad practicin since monday for the competition nxt fri. HOnestly who noes?

Everytime I reach this pts, I always tell myself GOd noes. NO one may noe but God noes. Even if i doubt tat He noes. And it brings me to tears sometimes to think as I just did. Looking back at past smses I m reminded of how much ppl are prayin for me. Encouraging me at the right moment I needed it. Then I think to myself wat hv i done to make someone's day? I've been expecting happiness only for me dat i forgot abt others. And I suppose this is the lesson of the day. Dat even now instead of seeking for the things dat satisfy me, would I be able to meet someone's need? Maybe there was a need to be met today in someone. Did i meet tat person's need or did i just push mine first?

So wats the conclusion then?

I suppose the conclusion is wat is our primary satisfcation? Meanin who/wat satisfies us the most? Then once we sort tat out all the rest will be secondary because that is whr we draw the most satisfaction and happiness. Even as much as i complain or want this or tat, time and time again I am drawn back to the source of wat drives em frm day to day. Not sayin i dun need anyone, but I am always drawn back to and reminded of my primary source of happiness. Prayin tat ppl do see this in me? Yet I still wonder if they even do? BUt why shd i worry or fear? Also I guess lookin inward just makes things worse. Jesus din sulk at his situation when He was abt to die. He din even make his situation and circumstances affect his main purpose. Even when he knew his disciples will abandon him, he prayed for them. Even while hangin on the cross He din look at his own plight but pleaded for them with God for their forgiveness. That I suppose is the example. I know dat even as He suffered He was happy doin it to please the Father. And most of all because He loved us. His focus was HIs father's business which was providing the way for us to be together with Him.

SO happiness... U define it for urself. I know whr I derive mine frm. Though at times I forget it, everyday I am reminded abt it. Also happiness shd not only be limited to me. You too shd noe this happiness. So am I happy now? ANd am I ok? I'd say yea I am. By His grace I am.

of war, tears and happiness (2)

"to be honest our section may not be as enthu as the rest but we are certainly kilat in comparison to the rest in the things that matters..."

"our section unlike others doesnt hv conflicts among the rest...we motivate one another and get along well..."

"we are kilat..."

wat a day today.somehow i guess this may be the last time the 11 of us would sit in our gear sweaty and tired and sharing wat we've been through and how we hv got to know one another. Frm the first bed to the last and frm all the things we faced and under one of the "xiong" trainers around in our company, kinda glad tat all of us are alive to tell the stories. And out of all the sections we hv the least ppl who got out of course.

Anyway just glad and really thankful for the people who are in my bunk. I guess it does make the overall experience i had more "easy". Although we were individuals in our own ways, when it came to workin together, we just did so. ANd yea this goes out to all of u guys manz.ITs a salutation to the kilatos of platoon 1 B coy!

We know it for ourselves dat among the rest our drills are the best. And honestly wat lies ahead i don't know. But as much as we think our experience in this coy was horrible, just being among u ppl was one of the drivin forces and yea wat an experience.

As we prepare to march our final march together come tue, i'd say dat watever lies ahead would be no kick coz we've been through b coy. Wat could be worse? :D

Kinda feelin delirious right now, prolly frm accumulated tiredness and the feelin of havin a long break and a wk to reli look forward to!

Somehow the thought of feeling alone b4 was stupid. But yea... they too were a factor in my life as a trainee in this coy. N wat could i do without em.

anyway i guess am not done with this yet. Shall settle down now and will be back again...

anyway on another note is dat yea been prayin for everyone of them daily, and yea the song playin now goes out to the fren who din get to med sch. Prolly sometimes u feel dat workin hard doesnt pay off. But it will someday. And yea there is hope, as false as it may sound sometimes we just hv to hv faith. I guess sometimes i find it difficult to tell u how. But i guess u will find a way somehow. But yea I know u will do wat it takes to reach tat dream u worked for.

I guess to the rest of us guys, as much as it is cloudy I guess we all hv to hv tat vision to look forward to and reach it. And I guess dats another post...

of war, tears and happiness...(1)

i've somehow recently been inspired to write this entry while observing my friends one night or to say a whole day or wk...



so let me begin by sayin this:



We may not be training to fight a war, be sent to iraq or afghanistan or to be prepared to resist a northern invader. We may run many kilometres, scale hills and carry loads on our backs, but the one war we will always hv to fight is the war we face within ourselves.



Imagine how many wars we face daily in our lives? Ok let me narrow the scope. The wars we fight in the place I am at...



1. Attack of the zzzzZ monster

2. SOC

3. IPPT

4. Outfield

5. Mosquitos

6. Profanities

7. Irritating ppl

8. Lethargy



There is more to that list I can add but somehow dun reli wanna list it all.



Ultimately all this can be trivial but still we struggle with it. Probably in ur own life u face ur own battles. The student is exams, those workin is the nxt bonus or pay rise, to the athlete is when he'll meet his nxt opponent. ANd so on and so forth.



So wat does this mean? We dun hv to be carryin guns and carryin explosives and shoutin orders to fight a war. The war is within. The internal struggle with our desires with our needs with our very being and responsibilities. That is war. NOt a clash of titans and artillery fire. BUt a clash and conflict between mind, heart and soul. This is the war we face daily. Frm the moment we drag our feet out of bed. To the moment we look at the mirror and start brushing our teeth and eat our toast and sip our coffee. ALl the way till we get back home frm work/sch and hang our legs and relax. We will face a conflict of interest, a battle to make decisions.



So then how do we overcome? HOw do we win the battles we face? I guess one way is to just confront them head on with all your strength. To charge with all you hv. Meaning with the wisdom of ur mind, the feelings of ur heart and the well being of ur soul.

Anyway away frm tat, not reli a subject matter expert on tat one yet because I myself am battlin daily my own wars. My own struggles, my own experiences. BUt wats fulfillin is dat I'm not battlin it alone.

On a more personal side I guess wat happiness I'm deriving everyday is to see my frens around me overcome their adversities, even if it means I forsakin my own ability to fight my own wars. Just heard out a fren of mine who was distraught abt his results of not gettin into med sch, I tried to comfort him yet it was difficult to bring hope to person who doesnt believe in a hope dats just unfathomable. Oh wells... I'll be back this wkend to continue on this topic I suppose unless I forget to or some other incident inspires me to write somethin else. In the mean time to the unknown out there or to some passer by hv a nice and fulfilling day and yea do kp smiling and try to make someone's day.

the waitin moments...

what would one do if he found out things didn't go the way that he thought it would?

Somehow had this gut feelin dat i would find out whr tat sweat and tears went to. And yea in the process of accepting it, it's disappointing yet wat else could i do? To go straight to the pt, I din get in to the place i applied to. And yea i guess it would be normal if I'd just sulk and moan how unfair bla bla life reli is and mope and complain and all and stuff. But honestly after readin the letter I knew in me that yea, ok I guess its back to the drawing board. :D

I guess my feelin is dat i'm looking forward and smiling tat at least there is another chance to reconsider this nxt step. Time seems to be on my side. But I guess the bigger picture is really tat I hv God on my side.

Honestly who wouldnt be sad and broken over this. I'd say its an experience and its no harm tryin again. Kinda recalled the story of this guy who tried 3times to get into a university and when he did he ended up excellin pretty well. And I guess to me wat i can gather at this moment is tat do i reli need to go to uni? ANd I guess this will give me more time, rather than rushin my future, to find out other avenues I havent considered. I know tat all things worketh for good to those that love Him, and this is another experience.

Dun get me wrong dun think i'm down and out, I dun think i'm hopeless, its not necessary all the time tat one needs to go to university to end up doin the things he wants to do, and now I'm gonna wait upon the Lord on the next step. I guess be it through ppl, circumstances and stuff. I I hv to look out for courses as well as opportunities. I know wat I wanna do, I've found my "sweet spot"(an area that u find satisfaction and are good in) but I hv to trust in Him for wat will happen next because for some it may hv been the end of the road but to me its not and whr I go I knowest not(yet it doesnt mean i dun do anythin abt it). I'm placin all hope in HIs promises.

Recountin the thing about applications, hv a few frens who r checkin their medicine results(meanin if they got admitted), hv this bunkmate of mine who placed all hopes in this course alone and he once said he'd be terribly disappointed if he din get in and would feel hopeless and so on. But yea I guess u get wat i mean.

Who do i turn to?

When all is downcast?

Where Hope seems like grasping for the wind...

But If I had all this would I be contented?

WOuld I still rely on the only one above?

Who has guided me, comforted me for this few mths.

Sent me ppl to confide in and to put a smile on my face

And remind me tat all is not lost.

The only direction I hv is wat lies in front of me,

It may appear dark and uncertain

Yet I know in due Time I will see

I will do my part

For I know that He hasn't forgotten me

I will not compare

For maybe this is the path I shd take

A longer one?

A more fruitful one?

One tat would make me who I am suppose to be

When the world ridicules me

Looks down on me

My friends abandon me

I know You are beside me always

You will hold me up

And I will stand up again

For I am a stubborn man

Stubborn in the things I hold dear

Its in these waiting moments once more whr the testing seems clear.

I hv been taught to not lose hope. I hv been told not to dwell on missed chances and on the past. I hv been reminded to persevere and TRUST always. I have learnt the meanin of carrying on. After all life is not just abt careers, dollars and cents, taxes and all this material things. Because all this can be taken away even frens and family. SO who am I to sulk? Its just part of this long journey of life. There is more to this. I know.

on an empty grass patch...

felt really tired and drained today...

all my mind was filled with thoughts of how tiring army life really is. but yea one thing comforting is tat i hv a sunday to recharge and carry tat lil fuel to push me on for the nxt few days. They say its tough, of course it is. I look forward to the wkends coz its a time to just sit talk and meet up with frens. Wells i guess less frens more of family now.

i recall one moment while outfield. It was the first night harbouring in the "forest". We had to flatten our own bed i.e flatten shrubs, tall grass make a bed. And apparently the area i got was infested with bugs and slugs and mostquitos and it was pretty wet and due to days of rain and stuff.

I remember tat first nite was a horrible one. After a day of trainin and runnin and pronin in mud, all i could do after settin up my "bed" was just stand and stare at the open.(honestly tat was a tactical no-no) Kinda appreciatin the sight. We din hv a canopy over our head so the sky was pretty bright where i stood. All i could think of was how horrible it was to be whr i was. Like why is it dat i run and get dirty and do everythin to the best i can yet the reward i get at the end of the day is this? And others who r fit and so can just stay clean and enjoy their moment. Why tat some just give up and dont put their best foot forward. And why is it dat there are some who just dun push themselves to understand wat to do(aka blur). I sigh to myself and wonder. How can i go on this way. Surrounded with negative ppl. The bit of positivity i drive in seems to recoil back at me. they call me crazy for being positive because wat good will it get me? I hv not found anyone(yet) who has the same mind and energy as me. Tat night especially i felt the chills of being lonely.

I sat down on my ground sheet, began to untie my boots. Ignoring the mud I slowly pulled my sweat, water soaked feet out. Slowly i unbuttoned my uniform and revelled in the liberation of fresh air and lightness(because the whole day we were in sbo attire). It was a tiny moment which lasted for 5mins because straight after i felt the scourge of mosquitos plaguing my body. I powdered myself, top to bottom, changed my socks and my undies and put on the same old grimy uniform(was lazy to put on the new back and undress out the nxt mornin). It was a short lived joy to be free frm the weight. I sat back down feelin "fresh" yet slowly reality crept in. Behind where i was sleepin i saw my two buddies enjoyin their company with one another(although it was a violation of orders as we were suppose to slp 3m apart frm each other. one of my buddies changed because he couldnt stand the place where he was placed.) And somehow yea it made my whole situation worse. And yea it kinda pricked me to realise tat yea i dun reli hv a gd buddy there. Most of my bunkmates speak chinese in their everyday conversations even when i'm ard em or in their convos. They somehow break off and drift back to mandarin leavin me stumped and guessing. The smoker buddies got their own mates to socialise with. MOst of the time in bunk i somehow find solace on my bed. But tat night i had no bed. I was out in the field feeding the mozzies(regardless of the amt of repellent i put).

It was a clear night as I laid down on my field pack with my SBO on. I shifted and shifted tryin to find the most comforting position yet i couldnt. I knew i was tired. I knew I was abit frightened and lonely. I knew I din like whr i was. I knew I longed for some sort of company there and then. I sighed as i assesed my situation. All i could think of was ome. ALl i could think of was the day i get out of camp whr i can just rest and take comfort. All i could think was the frens who would understand me and hear me out.Yet i knew they werent.

I woke up several times. Changed positions to get some shut eye. Then early in the mornin b4 sunrise, i felt droplets of water drizzlin on my head. I ignored it and began to push myself to get some rest. Yet the drops wont let off and kept peltin my face. I got up and quickly put on my jacket. In the same time i saw my 2 buddies bundling their field packs in one of their groundsheets and eventually huddling together in another.

I din noe how long the drizzle lasted but it was long enough to wet my face till reveille. And when i woke up i was kinda late for my stand-to. Quickly i put on my helmet and sat on my groundsheet holdin my rifle and tryin to be as alert as first light began to set in.

My body was sore, my shoulders achin. And here was I standin again to get ready for the day's trainin.

Oh wells. I did get out alive. Am right here pennin it down. SOmetimes I reli get to low moments such as this. Whr i feel as though I dun hv anyone to talk to abt wat bugs me most of the time. Yet I guess its only human to long for company. No one enjoys being lonely.

Anyway today I guess I was reminded again tat far beyond any friend. I guess I can rely on Him. The strength I find to run and to charge up the nxt bound, I wouldnt say its my own. Because most of the time i'm just lethargic and sleepy. Its not tat i wanna prove to anyone or show my instructors tat i m the best. But i just wanna do my best so we as a section can get it over and done with and lessen the torture the instructors can do to us. And anyway i wouldnt be able to do it if not for the strength tat comes frm above. I believe dat is why i can still push on even when i feel tat all is lost. And dat feelin I had tat night i guess was just me complainin abt the situation i am in. It reli is an empty life(when u reli think abt the situation ur in). A life filled with vulgarities, testosterone, and whr the tough one's succeed and the rest are idiots. Whr understanding comes second to orders. Whr lines are seldom unclear. Whr platoon mates and bunk mates just make u feel dat i'm wastin my energy and all. Whr ppl still look out for themselves and not the majorities welfare. And the list can go on and my complains can increase. I wouldnt say i m exemplarary. I can say i do contribute to the list.

What struck me the most today in church was tat sometimes we wont understand the situation we are in but we hv to kp goin and holding on to the His promises and just doin wat we are suppose to. Its like walkin through a tunnel. A really dark tunnel whr u cant even see ur fingers. And every step is a frightening one. Because who noes the nxt fall may be a pit or a pool. Its a test of faith and obedience and trust.

We r pretty shortsighted. Because at the end of a tunnel there is light. At the end of the day there will be rest. I recall Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. And yea also abt Job who went through a tougher time than me losin his family and all his possessions and everyday being pestered by his frens to curse God. Yet he held on and stood firm in God.

The qn's i'm askin myself is am i still holding on? I pray tat He will allow me to.


Psalms.91
[1] He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
[2] I will say of the LORD, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.
[3] Surely he shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler, and from the noisome pestilence.[4] He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler.
[5] Thou shalt not be afraid for the terror by night; nor for the arrow that flieth by day;
[6] Nor for the pestilence that walketh in darkness; nor for the destruction that wasteth at noonday.
[7] A thousand shall fall at thy side, and ten thousand at thy right hand; but it shall not come nigh thee.
[8] Only with thine eyes shalt thou behold and see the reward of the wicked.
[9] Because thou hast made the LORD, which is my refuge, even the most High, thy habitation;
[10] There shall no evil befall thee, neither shall any plague come nigh thy dwelling.
[11] For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways.
[12] They shall bear thee up in their hands, lest thou dash thy foot against a stone.
[13] Thou shalt tread upon the lion and adder: the young lion and the dragon shalt thou trample under feet.
[14] Because he hath set his love upon me, therefore will I deliver him: I will set him on high, because he hath known my name.
[15] He shall call upon me, and I will answer him: I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him, and honour him.
[16] With long life will I satisfy him, and shew him my salvation.

This Psalm was the responsive readin for the service. I guess tat somehow sums up the reason I can go on in this place. As much as i find it difficult and tiring. I guess ultimately I hv someone who watches me. And comforts me everytime i need it. For the past sundays Hv i been blessed and fueled to tackle the wk ahead. Though smilin seems difficult it is always a joy to just smile and see others smile. So honestly i guess this wk of sleepin on another empty grass patch, prayin for protection, strength and confidence. Honestly I cant wait for all this to end, yet I cant wait for everythin to unfold and see wat lies ahead.

"Under his wings, under his wings,
Safe in the refuge hide thee;
Trusting his truth and faithfulness,
No evil can betide thee."

Wells gotta run now. Hv abt 2hrs to get to camp and start cleanin up my gear. Prayin tat i do get to watch my juniors play this saturday. Even if i dun get to, pray they'll hv fun and do a good show for those watchin. Prayin to meet up with my frens as well. Miss them much. Hv alot to catch up with as most of em are like everywhr and workin and stuff. Prayin for that letter of admission to show up soon. And yea my fam and frens in church as well as my other frens. I guess dats abt it. I'm almost there. and reli thank GOd for bringin me this far.

experiment volcano...

dun mind the title...

just thought that tonight someone just had to pour the vinegar in so tat it would cause the volcano to react due to the reaction of the weak acid and the carbonate in the "magma" chamber...

honestly as much as i wanna say everythin is fine and put up a smile- honestly its just a build up of lil lil frustrations tat just irk me. ever since i've entered the green force wk in wk out i discover unpleasant happenings to my things. To be frank i'm just feelin this way becoz things dat somehoe help me past time and kp my thoughts in checked are misused and "spoiled"

i noe they are just material things, but the worse is dat no one wants to claim responsibility. and that is the worse thing. if every wk i hv to deal with this i wonder how much more can i take. geee. i noe prolly i'm over reactin or wat but honestly i just hv to let it go. i guess if ur in my position b4 u'll understand. imagine u leave ur precious item on ur table and go off for a vacation for a wk and come back to find out its been misused and abused. U ask the ppl who were home abt wat happened and all they can do and say is tat it wasnt them and tat they dont noe. wells perhaps once is still bearable, but if its multiple times and it doesnt seem to sink in them that u are feelin v.angry or hurt abt it. N yea i noe its just a small thing. HOw much more if its somethin bigger?

sometimes i reli wonder wat can i do abt it since goin the mtd of remindin and tellin ppl doesnt work do i hv to lock my stuff in a safe? do restrictions? put a close circuit camera? i'm reli runnin out of options. wells money can replace but the fact no one owns up is the thing tat irks me the most... oh wells there has to be a solution to this no pt me wastin all my energy and gettin worked up over wats been done. i guess i just hv to be brutal. in a loving way of course because after all they gotta learn. respect for ppl's things.

on another note, enough of the frust kinda realised while writtin i'm pretty dwellin on it and cant quite carry on frm the last sentence. anyway update.

i guess this past few wks hv been kinda testin. not for myself but for my frens ard me as well. esp my bunkmates. 2 wks of outfield and another one to come, sometimes sittin in the middle of the forest sleepin on a bed of flatten undergrowth, shrubs and grass, i begin to wonder n think why? of all the things i could do now why this? speakin to my bunkmates and platoon mates and company mates, all i can feel are sentiments of reluctance and just goin through their term of service. It makes me wonder why?

but yea i thank God tat somehow i found a spark in me to kp goin. its funny lar, before every activity or after any meal i'll be lethargic and sleepy and even durin safety briefs to stay awake also kinda difficult. as they say fightin the Zzz-monster. BUt yea somehow durin the activity there is energy to just go on. ANd yea m on my final wks and just 2more things to clear....soc and this comin wk's outfield exercises.

wells honestly i reli hv thoughts runnin, yet cant seem to catch em or just say it. cant even pen it becoz of the time factor. oh wells still keepin faith and prayin. i guess i reli wish ppl could see things frm others perspective and not dwell on their own things but to just make do with wat they hv for the day and try to bless others. but yea i gotta learn to understand as well dat not everyone will think as i am. not sayin i'm a gd example of it... but yea i guess as much as i wanna be heard, i still dun mind hearin abt others lives...

oh wells enough of yapping. reli its been splendid livin day by day not knowing wat to expect and day by day talkin to the floor and running like crazy and doin drills and pronin and crawlin. I guess in the end of the day its an experience one can hold.

He brings the vinegar
And pours it down the tube
out comes the fumes
liquid magma spews
it flows down crimson
engulfing the steep contours

he is delighted after the eruption
for the experiment was a success

time

the past week had taught me somethin. Time is not really on my side. Experienced a wk whr physically ur reli drained plus mentally stressed abt meetin certain standards. It was a tough wk, whr i myself really wondered why was i doin the things i was doin.

but anyway i just thank God for todays sermon, tat God still is in control.

Rom8:28.

i somehow hv to stop lookin at the prob ahead and face it. Just hv to push on and be strong. Just hv to kp on trustin God for the strength and energy each day. Slowly i realised the past wk my energy erodin, spirit waning, yet today i somehow feel encouraged and dat i shd stop lookin within. The end of the course is comin and there is another tough wk ahead.

time really isnt on my side during the wk. time for myself is slashed by almost 50percent and time i spend at home most of the time i'm just zoned out and stoned. But i guess its just me lookin at my needs.

on another note, i guess my social life is difficult to manage. like i said time is not on my side and the amt of time i wanna invest on this part of my life is reli difficult. and like even when i meet up with frens and stuff i dun reli noe wat to relate to em. wells i guess its part of adjustin and i'm not usin this as a reason. I guess i just hv to learn to utilise the time i hv and to reli invest my time with the frens i hv now wisely. Because honestly i dun wanna end up losin any frens. BUt yea. till nxt time gotta run back now!

on another note again, just got a list of prayer items to look through and review. Abt time i kp check on the specific things i need to pray abt. Ppl, youth grp, family, and so on lar...

so ya...time to go...

quick one

hey peeps, i noe kinda been havin dry posts. or wat i feel are pretty dry. time seems to be v.short nowadays, and nxt wk is definitely gonna be another tough one. The one tat past just left me realisin the importance of really takin care of yourself. Keep me in your prayers, remember i exist. hmmmm anyway hv to write down my things to do list. there is this video project i've committed myself to. its like a personal project and i feel its gonna be a powerful one. and yea praying for time and strength. and i can feel dat i reli need to get things done.

anyway am workin somethin on my blog. saved it in a draft due to time constraint. hahas gotta book in in abt 2hrs time. time is short. take care peeps. will be keepin u in prayer as well.

who am i...

last nite was somethin to rem. ITs just another example of God's faithfulness. Everythin just came into place for yesterdays evangelical performance. And am reli proud of my bro for delivering and being the character. ALso the rest of the cast for owning the stage. It may not be a perfect performance or up to the std out there. BUt it was good. Watchin the video playback on the tv, there were lil things tat came out unexpectedly. Effects tat happened unintentionally. circumstances? I doubt so. Everything was in place. Everything was on time. Everybody did their part. BUt ultimately God did the rest.

Currently havin the blues. But reli learnt alot through this process. Workin with another director and havin conflictin ideas, tryin to spur on the actors and not discourage them and find ways to make the best out of every single person. Apart frm that i feel reli privelleged tat even though i'm in the army i can still be able to be involved and serve in the church.

ANyway the song u hear on this page is frm the play itself. I would love to show the vid of the song, but not yet. Prolly in wks to come will upload it. BUt am in the process of tryin to source out the other tape that recorded last nite and pics. BUt i suppose by nxt wk i'll be able to do the vid alr. Anyway here is the lyrics.

WHo am I?

WHo am I that the Lord of all the earth
WOuld care to know my name,
WOuld care to feel my hurt?
WHo am I that the Bright and Morning Star
WOuld choose to light the way
for my ever wand'ring heart?

Not because of who I am,
But because of what YOu've done
NOt because of what I've done,
But because of Who you are.

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
a wave tossed in the ocean,
a vapour in the wind.

Still You hear me when I'm calling.
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling,
and YOu've told me who I am.
I am Yours.

Who am I that the eyes that see my sin
would look on me with love
and watch me rise again?
Who am I that the voice that calmed the sea
would call out thro' the rain
and calm the storm in me?

Not because of who I am,
But because of what YOu've done
NOt because of what I've done,
But because of Who you are.

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
a wave tossed in the ocean,
a vapour in the wind.

Still You hear me when I'm calling.
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling,
and YOu've told me who I am.
I am Yours.



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wats new?

been 11 days since i last wrote in an entry, though the fever is gone been coughin non-stop and phlegm kps comin up now and then and since i don't hv the luxury of spitting out the phlegm wherever i want i just swallow it for convenience sakes.

the past wk many things hv been playin in my mind. yet admist all the adaptation adn stuff, not being 100percent is somethin i hv to get used to. I realise my reaction and processing timing is slower than usual and during my times of sittin in the bunk my mind paces through on the anxiety of wat lies ahead. Day by day is an ordeal for me. The motivation of the first three mths seem to hv dried up and somehow i just find myself caught up with the situation i am in. yet in my mind i noe i just hv to go on. In life we dont get wat we want and we hv to still make to with watever situation we are placed in.

Although i've been able to clock up the most number of hrs of sleep in 1 wk, somehow i just cant seem to utilise the rest and the strength. I'm in a way frustrated of my current health condition. Gee. WEll honestly time is somethin really precious now, just to get this com to work took abt 4hrs b4 the system could run normally. I havent had a warm meal since my book out and my head is pacin on the things which i shd hv completed 2wks ago. I know on my part I hv some blame to it. BUt like all things i've been through I just hv to suck it in and move on and hold on to the hope that i frm the start of the yr have held on to.

HOneslt i did feel dat this is a pt in a yr whr I hv to just kp walkin a path shrouded in uncertainty and to always draw strength not just frm myself but frm a greater source. Probably I've grown empty and need a recharge, yet in my heart I feel tat its never enough dat as soon as i recharge everything is sapped out frm me.

to say the least, this easter production is really somethin i'm getttin to be frustrated abt, though we all hv good intentions i realised tat as far as professional as i try to be, i feel tat i can only offer this much of help to them because I know my role is only this far and most of the prep work and stuff is done by others and if i were to voice out my grievances i know i'd be upsettin ppl ard me. Therefore in my prayers I've just prayed tat God remove this feelin in me and remind me tat its not me who will make this production work. As much as i want it to be the best, I know I alone cant do it. ANd i pray tat the actors down to even the crew understand the seriousness of this. but yet the production is far frm perfect, yet i hv to understand tat not many are professional actors and of the sort and most of the time we take it lightly tat the basics of this field is abt reaching out and drawing out tat feeling and certainty and privellege to be able to do somethin maybe we hv never done b4. As much as I hv pessimism in me, I pray the Lord just work it out and yes time is of the essence and i know i play a role in this as well. Pray the lord tame my pride and humble myself and use me in this piece. As much as I want to do this I am weary at how things may end up wrong.

Which brings me to this thought, how is my relationship with Him? I realise tat the water pot will dry up if we stop filling ourselves with Him daily and as i look back on this wk, wat hv i been sowin into tat pot in me? i've found no time to journal nor read and even if i do hv time most of the time its to prepare for wat lies ahead. as much as I want consistency in my life i also need tat strength only He can give. honestly whr i am is reli a place whr if i dun set my mind right frm the start i may end up just losing it. as much as my body is weakened by the sickness of wks past and of another health prob i shall not disclose here, i pray daily tat God heal me. because i m weary tat i may not see another day to experience his love and mercy. even if i dun get to see it i will hold in my heart the words he spoke to me 2yrs back. promises of God. it will always ring. it has always been ringing. the problem is tat we let other things ring in our heads tat we forget wat it was that was ringing at the first place.

i really hv no strength left. and as much as i want to complain and give up, my will just and this voice in me just eggs me on to persevere and kp on. As much as my body aches and my coughin is uncomfortable, wat else can i do but hang in there till the day of rest arrives. There will always be hope for those who want it. ANd i do want tat hope.

"there are a thousand reasons why i should give up, but i'm stubborn in the things i believe."

as much as i'm tired of the things happening and to happen, everything in its time. and pls dun dl the song frm my server and buy her album.

through the sickness...

slow recovery frm my up and down fever ordeal(includes a bad cough and a nose tat wants to run a marathon). I know some may think me foolish of not visitin the doc esp since medical care for me is free if i go to a polyclinic. But i know i'd be perscribed the normal brown colour cough syrup, if not some steroids? and probably those white flu pills and panadol(lots of it). Then since i've been havin this fever for 3days maybe he'd give antibiotics. Oh wells mum says ride out one more day(and if it still is bad doc tomolo) and the panadol hot remedy does work in someway, brings my fever down by 2 degrees all the time then after dat it rises. Oh wells realised dat i cant reli focus my mind so much and do the things i really wanna do. BUt yea decided today to do work and really get goin. Time is sure not on my side but i guess tats wat makes it exciting.

On another note, really seeing my 2 bros desperate to do somethin with their lives... Prayin for em tat God just does somethin and dat they'll really do somethin with their lives... Oh wells committin it all to Him i guess.

The saddest thing this wk was tat i couldnt do my exercise regime or get into my planned routine, but oh wells I jus thank God dat I can spend more time with my bros and get rest>?
WElls i know i'll be missin lotsa outings, my platoon is meetin later this afternoon but i guess m turnin em down, i do miss those guys, and my company. OH wells off to the stuff to do...

Somehow i guess the moment i picked up the guitar today this words came to mind with a tune. Wells i guess to some extent its kinda juvenile. But am just thankful for outlets like this. WElls words will be words. HOnestly the tune is abit fast paced and emo i guess hahas oh wells... Just thoughts in a tune like manner...

If I said everything inside?
Would You run away and hide?
Hide away from the truth that hurts…
I am living a life of shame
Always taking all the blame
Blaming who the man I am

Yet You gave me the will to understand
And hold on to that hope
I’m ever grateful

For the love that You have shown
All the things You have bestowed
I am undeserving For a Sinner I am
Its not tears that you desire
Or offerings placed on a fire
But a broken spirit and a heart so helpless Lord

Yet You changed me from what I was before
And gave me a life renewed
I’m ever grateful for Your death on the cross
For if not for You Lord
For if not for You Lord
I’ll be lost

Lost forever Lord….

If I said everything inside?
You won’t runaway and hide?
You opened up your arms Lord
Reaching out to me
You are the life the truth the way
In all these words I place my faith
Faith in What You have done for me…

Thank God for singers and music. Been listenin to songs i guess to somehow just to tune out and relax and somehow I just couldnt stop listenin to this album and particularly this song. Wells probably its the lyrics or the singer itself, but honestly I could relate to every single word of this song and i guess if i had any other choice i'd use it as my blog entry and reli thank this singer for such an upliftin song... So wat i'll do is highlight the lyrics and explain why i guess it moves me...



E V E R Y T H I N G I N I T S T I M E
Written by Corrinne May Ying Foo & Carole Bayer SagerCopyright 2001 Corrmay Gourmet Music (ASCAP) / All About Me Music adm. by Warner Tamerlane Publishing Corp. (BMI)

Sometimes I wonder what lies ahead
How long till my hunger is fed
They say it's hard to make it in this part of town
So many people on this merry-go-round
Some folks try astrologySome turn to crystal balls
To find an answer, To get through it all
I just fall on my knees and I try to pray
In the silence I can hear Him say

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign
Everything in its time

I often feel like I'm two steps behind
Somebody must have moved that finish line
There are a thousand reasons
Why I should give up
But I'm stubborn in the things I believe

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the skyI promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign

'cause maybe there's another plan
One I still can't see
A little surprise, like your love in my life
Funny how time changes how we see

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign
Everything in its time
Everything in its time

wells i guess sometimes we tend to take things too hard on ourselves and because of the situations we are currently in. ANd yea sometimes its hard for us to understand why things happen as they are. And sometimes when we forget, GOd just finds a way to remind us that He still has us in the palm of HIs hand.

I guess one thing I'm learnin is dat life is never easy(it never was since JC started), and its through the tryin and difficult paths in life dat one will get more fulfilment and meanin out of it. Humanist in the way i say it but i suppose more meaningful if one knows that God will see him through the storms to come. Its just a phase and who knows wat path the Lord is leading me to. I've been prayin abt my future and God showed me a piece of it, and has shown me an openin, and has left it to me to seize it. ANd I guess a prayer request is tat God get rid of the slothfulness in me and reli show me wat to do. I know buildin a portfolio isn't easy, and i hv yet to find out wat a video portfolio is lar. BUt anyways I know tat time isnt on my side and I hv to reli do it and not just say and say because the actions i do will speak for itself.

ANd i pray tat i get the motivation and discipline. Been reli shown how God is workin ard me and how he brings ppl to encourage me. somehow am reminded of how GOd used birds to minister to the tired elijah, bringin food to him and his necessities.

oh wells here's a line frm one of her songs dat i guess is a prayer for me,

help me to see everything fall into place...
wake me frm dreamin no more deceiving break this chains...

HOw much more assurance do I need? :D




yea.