Surpassing Understanding

Working in a parish is not the same as work in the secular world.

In all the secular jobs I've had, although I remember many co-workers fondly, there was nothing other than the job the really bonded us. As it is, I've not stayed in contact with...well...anyone with whom I've worked in the past. The "friendships" were superficial and incidental, and even those who did remain friends for a time are no longer in my life for one reason or another.

Some of this has to do with my own conversion and having to take a moral stand with regard to one friend's "living will". (She and I were friends for years...that stance caused her to slam the door on our friendship.)

Others were really just not deep enough to last beyond our common employment.

Working in a parish, as I mentioned, is different.

It's not just "a job". Certainly, the actual work involved is definitely "a job". It's paperwork and organization (blech) and coordinating (blech again!) and tedium and a whole bunch of things I do especially when I know I have no idea what I'm doing, why I'm doing it, or how to go about it.

But there's more: there's the people. Catholics just like me. People at various stages in their spiritual life. People who love Our Lord and are doing their best to follow Him.

Working in a parish has softened me. In the past, on my blog, in my angry post-conversion stage I did what a lot of people do; I ripped and shredded people in their ignorance of our faith. In fact, I still do this, but with much less frequency now and even less hostility.

Well, now...I see the cause of that, and the futility of all the ripping and roaring of the blogosphere. Firstly, the people with no faith aren't reading the blogs. Thank God! If they did, they'd run away forever! (We ALL need to learn to hold our tongues!)

I've had the privilege, since starting this position, of speaking to people one to one, and some have had very real, deep questions and are simply in want of a little discussion, maybe even support. Others have been outright hostile, not understanding that living and sharing their faith is, in fact, a baptismal DEMAND upon us. They've been done a disservice in the lack of education they've received, don't know the first thing about what it means to be Catholic and they're confused, angry, hurt, grieving...a thousand things. They don't need harsh words. They need someone to listen and understand.

(They also don't need someone to water down the teachings of the Church, only deliver those teachings gently and with proper timing. I'm still learning this lost art.)

I've also learned that working in a parish actually DIMINISHES my "power" in the eyes of those who attend that parish. Those who don't work for the Church are in fact a bigger voice than any of us who function within the confines of religious education.

For example, if I go up in front of a group of people and say, with references, that we are obligated to attend Mass EVERY Sunday and Holy Day of Obligation, people want to know who I am to DARE to suggest they can't just "decide" whether they are "obligated" on their own. Yet if a fellow parishioner stands in front of them and says the same thing, they hear the voice as "non-authoritative" and therefore, someone to be believed. Thus, if I and that person are on the same page, the teaching has more credibility.

And of course, I've discussed in depth in other posts that if Father says something....it's golden. Even if they don't like it. Because he's Father. They might vilify me, they might vilify the other parishioner, but even if they vilify Father, they take his words to heart. That's a fact.

It really is like a big family of discombobulated siblings, some of whom don't get along, and others that do and form a united front and in fact, carry the rest of the family, rebellious or ambivalent, with their loving and fruitful labors.

As a parish employee, I get to know about 1% of that parish very well, because they're the people I actually SEE all the time. The good thing is that, where I work, that 1% is STELLAR, faithful, prayerful, and they're dragging me kicking and screaming on my way to holiness.

Having just come off of a very large unwieldy project as of today, I can honestly say that if it weren't for a few solid volunteers, everything would have crashed. And not just because one person simply doesn't have the ability to do it all, but because these people see and know my weaknesses and leap in to save me and the project. They've been carrying me and the program all week long.

It comes down to that common goal; wanting the good of others. It's natural to want to jump in and help when the ship is sinking. That's what they do.

I joked with a friend this week that I was really just a figurehead leader, but really....that wasn't a joke. I can't lead myself or organize myself out of a wet paper bag which has been ripped open on both sides and open in the middle.

Yes, I worked hard and did my best, but my best, to stay with the sinking ship metaphor, is a small plastic bucket with a large hole in the middle.

It's the people at this parish that made this week's program work. People I genuinely like and am enjoying getting to know better. And these very same people go out of their way to let me know they're praying for me, willing to help with anything I need...etc.

Working for a parish is, then, both a curse and a blessing. It's an experience of the suffering and the glory of the Cross, lived out within its shadow in ways most people could never understand. I barely understand it myself.

But I'm grateful. I love the teens who volunteer and do so much to make things work, I love the children who love others so easily and quickly, I love the adults who, in their watchful guidance not only guide the programs, but we, as staff, as well.

Direction

Maybe one of the things that's hard for me is "management". I don't like being a manager, and yet, people, volunteers, are coming to me and asking what I want to have happen. They are looking to my authority, and I stand back, amazed, thinking, "You're FAR more qualified to run this than I am!"

But I have to do my job, and yes, I do have a vision and am humbled by the people coming to me for direction as to what to do next. I'm humbled by their willingness to do so much...for nothing.

And I'm so grateful to know these people. Had I turned down this position, I would never have met them. They've changed my life, they've brought me closer to God and yes, they are friends. Not superficial friends, but friends in Christ, and that's an entirely different thing.

Amazing

You all know my financial situation, which is like that of many parish workers; in the summer we lose hours. Yet, of all the people in my life who know of this situation, NONE have suggested I leave this position and find another, something more stable. It seems that everyone understands, at some level, that working in a parish isn't the same thing as working in the secular world. They might not understand how low the pay is and the reality of not having a living wage, but they don't suggest quitting.

There is something more here than just a job.

I won't be in this position forever. Whether I am called to religious life or not, there is one thing that I don't question: and that is that my current job is temporary. I WILL be moving on, if only because I can't live on it and will be forced to do SOMETHING.

Truth be told, I considered quitting a year ago, and a few times since then. Granted our economic climate and 10% unemployment rate has affected my decision to stay a little, but the fact remains that...this job isn't about me.

When I worked in Insurance, while our efforts were team efforts and customer-focused, it was all about the money. No one worked there just for the heck of it. People don't go to an Insurance Company and volunteer to do stuff for free. While other "careers" I've had were done in a search for something meaningful, it was the same thing..the money element was there.

What I realized last year, though, and even more so now that it's almost been two years, is that, in some strange way, this parish needs me. Not because I'm special or a saint or an expert. But because they are in need of stability. They've had a lot of change in the time before I came, and even now, they beg me not to leave any time soon.

That's not about me, personally. It's not a song of my glory. It has to do with their need for stability, consistent staff, not having to constantly evaluate the status or orthodoxy (or lack thereof!) of new people. Right now, the parishioners know what to expect from myself and those in our office. We work well together. We work with Father well, and even in conflicts, peace reigns in spite of frustrations.

Even though I'm almost completely incompetent, these people know me and have expressed they want me to stay. Some of this has been voiced out of a desire to not have any more "change". For others, it's been more personal, and I'm grateful for that. We all need to know we're valued in some way.

I've written a lot here, as usual, but I think I could write an entire book and STILL fail to explain adequately what keeps me at that parish. Suffice to say, perhaps, that it is Our Lord. He calls, He places, He draws us together and helps us to be faithful. We work together not for our good, but for the good of all, for the good of each other.

So often I walk down the hall to the church to spend some time with Jesus, pray for help, or even a little support, and apologize to Him for being such a bad servant. There I am, working in His own House and even in my unfaithfulness, in my doubt, things end up working out. People step in to fill my weaknesses. In that, He is glorified.

I know that everything of God is far bigger than any of us. I know that the project of this week was so far beyond any of us that we can never fathom the eternal consequences and graces.

This week was brutal, but it was clear that God was present, held the entire thing in His hand, and I even "felt" His hand on me at times.

I need to remember those moments in times when I don't understand what I'm doing. Every little thing is for Him, and ultimately, about Him.

I'm grateful no one has suggested I just quit my job. I don't want to. Even as I grumble and procrastinate and stress out, I've never had a job that has so revealed the heart of Christ. I've never before had a job that brought me so easily and quickly to my knees.

I've never before had a job that hit me so hard in ALL of my weaknesses, forcing me to see how God works...because I simply cannot.

And everything that happens belongs to His Glory.

Apparently this lesson was so important for me to learn and continue to learn that God called me into a parish to learn it. They say that the Church is a hospital for sinners. I'm a permanent resident.

That's what it means to work for God, and not for the world.

It's a terrible, frustrating, agonizing, glorious and joyful experience and I'm grateful to God for this experience and for the people who have truly made me realize what it means to die to myself in order to live for others.

This is only the tip of the iceberg....

*

Let me Tell You What I Think

I ended my massive work project this afternoon, and I couldn't be happier! It was a ton of work, but the Mother of God was in charge and all went well. I'll still have some cleanup to do, mostly in my office, and prep for other events, but as of now, my work hours drop down to 10 hours per week.

I can't live on that. I do have another job for the summer, but I don't think it'll be a lot of hours and it likely won't pay much. But I think it's what I'm supposed to do. This coming week I'll have only my 10 hours, and the rest of the time I'll be off on a "vacation" much needed. On the positive side of things, at least I won't be driving 40 minutes each way every day! God is good, is He not?

Throughout this last year, I've been flying by the seat of my pants at every moment. Things have gone well, and maybe it was a lesson on surrender and trusting God, things I have great difficulty in doing. Each time I thought things were crashing, God answered. I'm certain that He hand-picked my volunteers and although I only met these blessed people this year, I feel like I've known them forever! And I love them and appreciate them like my own family!

But often, I've lamented the job I left...in insurance. Yup. It's not that I wish I hadn't quit...I think quitting was the BEST decision God ever made for me. (Yes, you read that correctly.) This year, even flying by the seat of my pants, even with irregular work hours and all the work on my Master's degree, well, I've NEVER been as stressed-out and bitter as I was in my last job.

I don't see myself remaining in my current position for long, but I'll be there at least, in all liklihood, until my Master's degree is completed (another 2 years), God willing. So this cycle will continue, but God gives us the grace to do what needs to be done...He sure did prove it this week, and I KNOW for certain that Our Lady had me by the hand all week long. But that doesn't mean I have a future where I am.

Just as I knew I didn't have a future where I was. I'm not even sure I have a future in Minnesota, but for now, we'll let that idea lie for I don't know where it's going.

This evening a friend sent me an email, and it got me fired up. Because of my last career, I have a certain level of expertise in an area, and now that I'm no longer burned out, I love talking about it. The old excitement came to me...I loved investigation. I loved typing my password into certain National databases and entering the necessary info in order that the database might spit out important records to help me in my investigation. I loved following the threads, I loved learning new things and trying to figure out the crime and I REALLY loved when we caught someone at their game...and roped them in.

Yet it frustrated me because I knew I was always looking for something negative, and in the midst of an investigation, trying to hold off indignant people who didn't seem to understand the game...that even if they were innocent, I had to ask my questions, I had to do what I had to do and no, I couldn't tell them what I was looking at because it was an investigation and I couldn't compromise it. Most of them only feigned indignance...they knew from day one they were the ones being investigated. Some of them were innocent people who had started out naive and were used to being in control...and couldn't deal with not being in control anymore. Other people really didn't have a clue how the world works and that people commit fraud...and I had to assume everyone was doing this. The trick was to try to keep everyone happy while doing the work in the background. Some days it was incredible...some days it was awful.

Some days I didn't think I could live with myself, even though I was doing nothing wrong. As time went on, I felt we were focusing too much on people who were completely innocent. I developed a "nose" over time, and knew within 5 minutes if someone was lying to me. Yeah, sometimes I got fleeced, which is why "feelings" aren't used to determine fraud. Things were awry...even as the company wanted to save money on investigations, they made us pay stuff that was clearly without merit, and they made me hold off on stuff I knew was clearly legit. And we all made errors.

I'm happy now that I know what I know, and I'm happy that my knowledge can benefit others as well as myself. And let me tell you...I'm VERY protective of claims adjusters. I don't care about the respective companies...in the end, they're all the same. (Although I learned, professionally, that there are certain companies that will NEVER have my business! No, I won't name them.) But the important thing is that they are staffed by people, human beings who are struggling to get the job done, and everywhere there is a very high rate of dissatisfaction. All of the companies are selling out their employees, the people you actually speak to on a daily basis, the people, when you have a claim, that you call, "The Insurance Company."

Individuals aren't "The Company". They are compassionate people with varying levels of experience trying to keep both YOU and their employers happy. They are the ones always thrown under the bus. They are the ones working their fingers to the bone and being villified in the process, being called "incompetent" on behalf of the actions the people above their heads make. Insurance is a very regulated field...adjusters, unless they are independent, are slaves to a system, and in speaking of my past co-workers, they're doing their best. And their work is necessary.

I still get fired up about some of the stuff I learned, and I really get fired up about the people, because if there is ONE thing I learned from my years there, it was to work hard to treat people with respect no matter what the circumstances, whether they were co-workers, co-professionals, competitors, or customers in ANY circumstances. The customer doesn't have to be right in order to deserve respect...they can be wrong and teach you a whole lot about being human.

This post has not gone where I expected, but I hope I said what someone needs to hear, so for now, I'll sign off with a salute to all those who work in the thankless profession of claims adjusting.

Don't EVER Use the Q Word!

Tonight's religious ed classes were going well. There were some minor things that popped up, but easily handled, and nothing that really required anything other than running up and down a hallway a couple times. It was weird. It was eerie. I knew something was coming.

That sense was confirmed during the second session, during which two catechists said to me, "It's a really quiet night!"

I knew we were doomed. I didn't even bother to chastize them for using the "Q" word, because, truth be told, I was beginning to think that in fact, all was well.

Don't EVER make that mistake!

I went down the hall to a meeting room where a small party had taken place tonight, noting that a little cleanup was needed. As I stood in the kitchen, grabbing a couple items, I happened to look into the cafeteria, and saw that for some reason, there were paper towels piled on the floor near a boy who was standing upright, holding more paper towels to his face. What was this game?

It wasn't hard to see the blood. Lots of it.

I had a couple of wet paper towels in my hand, and entered the room. The catechist had a clump of bloody paper towels in her hand, said he had a bloody nose, and it wouldn't stop. She wondered about a biohazard kit. I realized we didn't have anything handy and decided that it wasn't immediately important...the ongoing blood WAS a factor.

The kid was calm, but the catechist wasn't so much...her concern...it wouldn't stop! She'd never seen it not stop! She had been about to come get me. I have to admit I mostly ignored her, noting only that she was close to panic, and I was surprised; she's a champ around kids. And I had to try not to get caught up in her panic. Her tone made me want to just call 911, and I knew that such action wasn't necessary...at least, not at that point.

I asked the kid how long it had been bleeding. About 2 or 3 minutes, and yes, he'd had bloody noses before. The catechis said again that it wouldn't stop. I told them both it was fine...sometimes it takes a little while. And this one had started as a result of an unfortunate meeting between playing children. All of the playing had stopped, and the group was genuinely concerned. It's always a major event if someone is bleeding.

So we walked the kid down the hall towards the office, and it seems one of the kids had run to get one of us, for our secretary was bringing some napkins and paper towels (much better than the industrial brown paper grocery bags they place on a roll in schools and other mass-people settings). She also had an ice pack. Perfect.

We sat him down in the office and proceeded to clean him up. I gotta give that kid credit; he had remained calm, although he was a bit shaken while standing in the gym. And his first thought about moving was that he didn't want to get blood trailing him in the hallway! And then he let us clean him up, and just did as he was told, careful not to touch anything or do anything to make it worse. That kid was a champ!

Of course, this was immediately at the end of the session. That meant that all sorts of catechists were rushing the office with stuff and things and requests for next week or two weeks from now. One had a form to turn in, one that goes to the DRE, not me, but they always try to give that form to me, no matter how many times I tell them it goes elsewhere. So there I was, kneeling, cleaing this kid up, blood all over my (gloved) hands, bloody paper towels in my hands, and she tries to hand me a form. I admit I looked at her like she was nuts, kinda waved my hands a bit to show off all the redness, and suggested she just set it down in a convenient location?

Oh...right. She agreed. I learned that one can do many things and carry on several convesations while mopping blood from a child.

Quiet night? Dear God, SPARE US from "Quiet nights!"

Other Business...

I have been in recent contact with the Sisters who came to speak last fall at a vocations day for the Confirmation class. Sister M.K. in particular has been in contact, and today reiterated her invitation to visit them some evening for prayer and dinner. I sent an email in return, but as they don't tend to check their email more than a couple times per week, I decided to just call the convent. She wasn't back yet (they are teachers), so I left a message with my numbers, and haven't heard from her yet. I'm accepting her invitation...they are awesome Sisters, and I'm looking forward to seeing them again.

My DRE is aware of the visit. She asked me if it's a "professional" visit. I don't know. But I do know I LOVE the Sisters and really want to visit them. And I know some of you are out there...DON'T JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS!

Next thing...

On the garage door...a friend of mine, a neighbor who also recently had problems recommended a particular business and gave me the number. So I called them, and told them I knew a cable had snapped. It'll be $138 to replace both cables (which makes sense to replace BOTH at the same time.) * sigh * They'll be out on Friday, which is a day I was going to take off anyway. This time it just means I have to sit at home and wait for service. Oh, and I really need to clean my house because it's a disaster and I can't have people walking through here to access the garage and have them see such a sty. My neighbor already did. I'm still embarassed.

One of my catechists also had a similar problem, but in her case, it was the spring..which they realized when they tried to release the door so as to open it manually. It wouldn't move...like mine. I'm just praying I don't have a two-fold garage door failure.

NEXT TOPIC....

Another winter storm is coming. The brunt should pass to our north, but my county is included in the watch and disaster. On the positive side, the worst of the travel that day will be on Friday..which I'll have off. And I can delay giving my dog her Frontline (someone I know already saw a tick on her dog), and I also have the day off, so I won't have to deal with traffic. Unless I visit the Sisters Friday, and it could be that we do that on Saturday instead. Or Sunday. Or in a couple weeks.

But the bad side....I can't get my car into my garage, meaning that I'm hoping my doors don't freeze shut, I'll have to clean off my car, I'll have to shovel my own stupid driveway instead of let the people I'm paying my left hand to plow do so. Etc.

And besides...it's APRIL! I'm not ready for warm temps, but I am SICK of snow! It's not useful to me in the way of skiing, it's the sticky sort that is FAR WORSE than cold, dry scuttering snow, because it packs down and becomes a rink if any pressure is placed on it.

I'm not asking for much...a cool, rainy spring (I'm ok with rainy), no more snow, and a cool summer that doesn't involve humidity or the necessity of using central air. Because other than my plumbing and electrical, it's the only thing I have left to replace.

Oh...yeah....just don't use the word "Quiet" and maybe we'll get by for a little longer....

Falling Dominoes

I've been completely stressed out all week, and the next two days promise to be a nightmare...although at least we got through tonight's retreat. Tomorrow it's two retreats, two different Sacraments. And following that, a Sunday retreat.

And then we'll be over that hump. But I began today thoroughly exhausted. About an hour before the retreat, Father came to my office to make sure I didn't need anything and to let me know where he would be. But as soon as he'd said hello, he commented, "You look really tired. You should go outside and get some air."

Wow. I must have looked REALLY BAD for him to even comment. Because of course I've been to work on days where maybe I was tired or just not feeling well, and he's never said a thing.

I just got home from tonight's work, I made it through, and now I'm going to finally eat dinner and go to sleep. I'm almost afraid to sleep...lately all I do in my sleep is dream about work or bizarre conglomerations of things that don't make sense. It's stress sleeping...and it causes one to wake up more exhausted than they'd been the night before. I'm seriously contemplating just staying awake all night...that way I can ensure I won't be working!

Nah..I'm too tired to keep my eyes open for that long. So...I wonder which facet of my job I'll be dreaming about tonight?

I can't wait until this weekend comes to an end. For me, it's not a weekend, just a series of days. Some dominoes that need to be pushed over.

But even then, it won't be over. I have so much work to do for school, and certainly I'll get through it, but it's going to be very tight. This time, because we got an extra week because of Easter, it shortened our next "month" between classes and I wasn't able to get as far ahead as I'd hoped. So I'll be crunching to get through the tests and the assignments due on that weekend.

And work...everything is coming to a head, and I'm living in holy terror that my incompentance is going to completely mess everything up. Boy, am I in need of some experienced volunteers to bail me out of this mess!

I think this is the part where I'm supposed to be trusting God...but I'm failing miserably, at that and other things. Please pray for me, and for all those I'm supposed to be serving.


UPDATE 6:05 AM SATURDAY: I woke up at 4:30 and could not sleep...I tried. I fell asleep maybe 15 minutes before my alarm went off. I dreamed about work. * sigh * Get me coffee...more coffee...

Free Falling

This is my first official day of being unemployed, and it is very strange. I can't believe that after this week, I'm not going back to my office. I can't believe that my money is now limited...and there's not yet anything in sight.

But I still don't regret my decision because I was so miserable, and I knew the consequences facing me had I stayed.

Today I recieved a phone call from one of my posted resumes. She didn't give me a lot of information at first, just wanted to discuss an opening in their "health care unit." I was not familiar with the company name, so I asked her what the position was? She hesitated for a moment, and then told me, "Collections."

I told her I was not interested because I was seeking to return to Social Services/Government, and away from anything to do with Insurance or Finance. And then I thanked her for her interest and for calling.

When I hung up the phone, I wondered if I'd done the wrong thing; after all, beggars can't be choosers...or can we?

But I've had friends who worked in Collections. They pay peanuts, the stress is ridiculous because if they don't make a certain quota, they get canned. One of my prior customers worked for a Collections agency, and was on a dialer, so literally chained to her desk and to her phone. I will not work under those circumstances; I'd sooner go back to what I was doing!

At this point, I still have a certain amount of hope, so I'm not willing to jump just because a recruiter for one of the worst jobs in the world is "impressed" by my resume.

I've known a few people who worked as telemarketers or in collections, and believe me, they are miserable. They hate their jobs, but they are desperate, and most are looking to go elsewhere. They don't take those jobs because it is their dream to tick people off; they take those jobs because at the time they accept it, they have no other choice.

So far, I still have choices, if not any options...yet. Today I planned to submit a cover letter to a particular Social Services/Mental Health position, but upon reading the job description again, I realized that the hours eliminate me; evenings and weekends.

Well, one weekend per month, I'm going to school. And I teach RCIA every Wednesday evening...and one Tuesday evening a month is dedicated to parish leadership.

So, all that time belongs to God; it is a committment I've given to God and thus to my parish, and I intend to continue to fulfill that committment. First seek the Kingdom of God...and He will cause the rest to fall into place.

Some might argue I'll have to give up my parish activities, but I truly feel that if I do this, I am not trusting God in action. This entire thing is in God's arena, it is in his hands, and I am just praying to be doing the right things.

I ask you all for your continued prayers; it is scary to be unemployed and know the money will run out, to have no health insurance, a mortgage, a car payment, and other various bills.

And I know I did the right thing because I left with many many references, but not a single one tried to talk me into staying, even a little longer. They knew it was time, as well.

So now I'm in this free-fall, terrified of the landing, but knowing, somewhere, God is still in charge.

Of Foundering Ships and Lifeboats

This blog has been silent for a few days, because I've been working on a huge decision. A life-changing decision. A fearful decision, but one that comes due. I can't say I have "peace" with it because I don't understand what true "peace" happens to be; it is not in my nature to do anything other than agonize over everything, especially the big stuff. But I am as close to peace as one with my temperment can get.

I have stated I hate my job, I am struggling in my work, etc etc, but I have never stated what I do, and for a reason. But I will tell that tale now; I work for a major insurance company, and I handle specialized claims involving a high risk of fraud. I've been at this company for nearly five years; when I began, I had a certain goal, a position to be obtained, and the path to that position was very clear and very obvious. So I worked very hard and even though I was constantly stressed out and overwhelmed, I kept my eye on the prize, and I was rewarded with a promotion to step one of my goal exactly one year from the date I was fully operational in my first position. For approximately six months to a year, I enjoyed my work, and I would go so far as to say I loved my job and it was a "dream job", although there were parts I really disliked.

Then the trouble began...things really began to change, both in management and company policy, and to top it off, in my faith. I was becoming a different person, the company was becoming a different company, and I hit my first low point.

I won't go into the details, but suffice to say I never came back from that low point; rather, I got deeper and deeper into my dissatisfaction. They made decisions that negatively affected my unit, and the other reps in the same position abandoned ship leaving me alone to handle the workload for months...when we were already behind. I had to absorb their workload and my own, and then take on the new stuff every single day. Additionally, the way things are structured and the way the numbers were measured for "productivity", meant there was no relief because I was REQUIRED to do the work of 2.5 or more people in order to meet the numbers for my UNIT, not for my own productivity.

This happened sometime in July/August two years ago, and I was not able to take vacation until late October because there wasn't another rep up and running yet to take on some of the workload.

My week off wasn't enough and I have never fully recovered from that first burnout, the first truly crushing load. Things got "better" only in comparison to the worst, but I would not call my job manageable, and let's just fast forward to present times; the company has restructured a few times and they've come out with a new method of determining what we have to do within what period of time. Some of this workload structure is logical and they should have done it long ago....but overall, for my unit, it doesn't make sense. We can't meet our numbers the majority of the time, and my unit has another issue...half of my unit in my specific job is in another part of the state, while the two of us in the Metro area, predicatably, must both do our own work and the work of those outstate because stolen vehicles are more often stolen and recovered from our area. People come to visit the Metro from outstate and their cars get stolen in Minneapolis...guess who has to deal with the cars and repairs in spite of our existing workloads??

Right.

I've become less and less motivated over time. I can't keep up with the demands. I can't keep up with the unrealistic schedule the company has set or the advertising campaigns that throw us all under the bus. Every day I have to work hard to get up to go to work. I can get up for everything else in life; but ask me to open my eyes and roll out of bed for work? That's the equivalent of asking me to get up and descend into Hell for eternity. The only thing that makes me go to work every day is my obedience to God and a form of praise for what He has given me...a house, a car, a certain amount of the same illusion of financial security everyone has.

But I can't do it anymore. On Friday at 4 pm I got a new claim, a recovered theft, in a suburb at the extent of my territory (which means it's an all-day or two affair to deal with the car alone, never mind the investigation), and I nearly got up and left at that moment. I've had too many moments like that.

I nearly left my job in March, requested a leave of absence, thinking to live on savings (which are meager but could have lasted me a month), but my leave was denied. My Manager, a good guy with a good heart, who understands that I'm burned out, gave me permission to take an immediate vacation if it would help. I gave a week or two for notice, actually wondering if I would just not come back. But I did go back, and two weeks after my return I was placed on a form of "probation" for performance. My management, both my Manager and my new direct Supervisor acknowledge that I'm burned out, but they have to follow what the Company says; the only answer is "work harder or we'll shoot your managment team!".

End of the line

Last week, my immediate co-worker, the other person suffering with me in the Metro area told me that she has a couple options lined up and she is giving notice this week. Neither of us wants to shoot the other in the back. She knows if I leave, she gets my work on top of her own. If she leaves...well, I've detailed this above....I can't do that again. If that happens, I will simply walk away because it's TOO MUCH. I will walk to my Manager's office, verbally state my purpose, box of my belongings in hand, and I will walk away.

I actually don't feel that's the best way to do things.

My feelings are not new, so I've come to my decision very methodically, and admittedly, affected by my co-worker's plans. I know what's coming.

1. I'm on probation, and right now, I'm behind. My file reviews are complete crap, both because we are overworked due to an unbalance in workload and being just plain worn out as a result of this Company's business plan. I have not had a goal here in years; I know I actually have no future here because my own personal goals have changed and due to an unjust accusation made a couple years ago...let's just say there's no redemption for me, either available or wanted. It's really hard to go a job day after day knowing there is no career path, knowing that the only road is doom. And after "that meeting" knowing that one is about to be fired.

2. I've considered being fired, and nearly prayed for it, only so that I can collect unemployment. If I walk away, I get nothing. Sure, I could go to a doctor and talk about how every time I see a car with damage (which is a lot....most cars on the road have some kind of damage and I have this ability to see it ALL), my stomach churns and my blood pressure rises. Every time I see a car with ground effects or a spinner kit (as an aside...these things are so tacky...don't buy them), I feel the need to vomit and then immediately go on a diatribe against any idiot out there buying aftermarket equipment with which to trick out their cars, because it only makes them a target for thieves, and they're not getting paid for the stuff when that happens, anyway. And it's not my fault so quit yelling at me for your ignorance.

You see?

But if I go to a doctor and relate all that, and they diagnose me with some sort of "anxiety disorder", guess what? Now I have a mental health label. I'd rather not have that on my record especially as that anxiety does not exist apart from my job. The rest of my life is fine; I love the rest of my life! Getting a mental health label for the purpose of arguing for unemployment benefits is, in my estimation, dishonest and fraudulent.

3. If I give notice now, I can leave on good terms; I can give sufficient notice for them to post the position and get someone in to it, and since no one will be able to step into it for about two months or so, it will also teach them not to hire someone outstate when the need is in the Metro. So my quitting is a learning experience for them. Additionally, I can leave with references.

I have been with this company for nearly 5 years...I'm quitting just short of my anniversary. Because of this, I simply cannot afford to sit there and get fired, leaving both with nothing there and nothing to show for my work. If I leave on my time, I take my dignity, I take references (already promised by my Manager), and I buy time both with the timeframe I give and my week of vacation time left for me.


*
So there it is. I simply cannot do this job anymore. I fight every day to go in, and those powers that be over my head have acknowledged my burnout. I can barely do each task, and I just don't care anymore. It's weird...I care about my customers, but not about the work. I don't dislike the people...I loathe the circumstances that bring them to me and the work I'm required to do for them. I like helping them...but I hate the way in which I have to help them.

And too often, as I have to investigate, I also feel I am defaming the innocent and rewarding the guilty.

I cannot live out that dichotomy anymore.

I've given this company nearly five years of my life and I will concede one more month...and that's it. I can't go on any further.

I am praying to our wonderful God that if He deigns that I should remain, that he keep me there. I still pray to be doing this according to His will. As a friend of mine told me yesterday, "God can work with decision...he cannot work with indecision."

So I make a decision to quit, and I give sufficient time.

Sinking ship



The ship I'm on is sinking, and it's obvious. This Company is losing people from the higest local levels, and my own immediate team is completely miserable. All of us plan to leave soon because we can't stand being robots anymore. We've all been in the workforce for a long time, and what we have experienced here is not typical of other fields, or even other companies. We know better, and we know that when the leaders flee the ship, we should have fled long before.

I don't have another job to fall upon, but it seems to me that it's far better for a beggar to dive into the ocean of God's mercy and providence than to remain in the hold of a sinking behemoth and be sucked down with no chance of survival.

My resume has been posted and I have cover letters to send out. Grad school is not an issue because I can't pay for it anyway. Some friends of mine will have soem benefitless part time work for me this fall if worst comes to worst, and I just learned there may be some mortgage assistance.

God will make his will known. All I have to do is turn in my resignation letter and allow God to act. I'm already doing all I can for now.

Please pray for me, my co-workers, and our immediate management; there are no personal problems as everything comes from above.

I need a new job, I am a highly qualified person in several fields, and I am a good and loyal employee. May God bring me to a position in which my natural gifts and obtained knowledge/experience are utilized in such a way as to glorify God.

And if not...well, I'd still rather lose my house than my mind. In all liklihood, my resignation will be turned in on Monday, although I may put it off if my Manager comes back soon, extending my last day into August. He's very ill and they don't know what's wrong with him. Please keep him in your prayers.