Reevaluating the Single Vocation

Disclaimer: This is a "thinking out loud" post, otherwise known as...pondering ponderously, not looking for agreement or disagreement, not advancing a position, just...putting thoughts into words and seeing where it ends up. This will be a long post. Get yourself some coffee or maybe a nice cup of tea. Sleepytime Tea might be appropriate.

I used to write on this a lot, and my position was that being Single is a legitimate Vocation, although such goes against John Paul II's Theology of the Body. I changed my position on that after awhile, and have been holding to the standard that there are but three possible Vocations: Marriage, Priesthood, and Religious Life.

I eliminated Marriage; at a wedding a couple years ago, a truly beautiful wedding involving a Presentation to the Blessed Virgin Mary after the Vows, I was absolutely floored to realize I didn't WANT to get married! EVER! And it was one of the most freeing, refreshing moments of my life. It was not to say I did not love and support marriage, but just the realization God was not calling me to it. It was beautiful.

This revelation freed me to comfortably discern religious life, knowing the door to Marriage was closed.

Where does that leave the Single life?

It's a legitimate question. For myself, I'd stopped considering it. The Single life, as it is lived today, is simply unnatural. I know that what I'm living just isn't right somehow, although I can't really put it into words. We Singles, at least in America, tend to live alone, or maybe with one or two others who may or may not share our religious and moral beliefs (which SHOULD be one and the same, but just sayin'). Myself...I live in solitude, and as much as I love my solitude, I know that it is somehow disordered. It's not what is supposed to be. It hinders my ability to grow in holiness for there is no one to hold me accountable for my behavior, even in the little things.

Single life was not always so, nor is it so everywhere, although as the world as a whole becomes more secularized and less family-oriented, the disordered existence of the single life is becoming even more so. What do I mean by that?

Juxtapose the first paragraph of this section with other cultures: single women live with their families, maybe for life. They live to take care of their parents, to assist with nieces and nephews, remaining always a part of a community of sorts. When monasticism was more common, single women would enter what was then called "Third Orders", and live their single life in the community, with their family, but they weren't proper religious. They lived for the Church, they cared for the poor...but they lived a limbo that did not belong properly to marriage OR religious life.

A Brief and Incomplete Discussion on "Third Order" or "Tiertiary" statuses

The Third Orders have changed over time. Some Third Orders today are proper Religious who take vows and wear a habit, such as the Third Order Franciscans. (You would recognize them as such: Father, Brother or Sister John Mary, TOR)

I had my head bitten off by our local Vocations Director when I used the term "Third Order" in an email, because, confusingly, some Lay Orders still use the term "Third Order" and most do not, all due to the changing terms. Those orders that are proper religious get snarky when lay communities continue to use the term, and I'm quite sure Fr. Vocations Director has gotten an earful more than once himself. Which he passed on to me. Point taken.

Yet I have also come to learn that even using the term "Secular Order X" is in question, for some Secular Orders are actually religious, too...in a way. And I don't totally understand that. So I'm leaving it alone.

What we seem to have available to us, in terms that offend no one and don't crowd in on anyone's wanting to redefine terms that are constantly being couched or appended, for good or bad, is the phrase, "Lay".

We the laity, whether married, single, or even those who are Clergy (Priests, Deacons), can all enter into communion with a religious community as a "Lay Dominican" or "Lay Franciscan" or a "Lay Cistercian". Each Order seems to have a different term to apply to this particular status. The more left-wing Religious Communities call them "Consociates" or maybe "Affiliates". The more traditional (and I mean really traditional) will still use the term "Third Order." I don't think anyone uses the term "Tiertiary" anymore.

Why did I digress into all this? Because if I didn't, some commenter would jump in and define all this, and I have no doubt that will STILL happen because it's IMPOSSIBLE to be thorough in what is intended to be a brief blog post. (Which alone is clearly an impossible feat for me.)

Anyway, what does this all have to do with the Single life?

EVERYONE who reads my blog knows that I've really been struggling lately. I've been on edge, outright depressed, realizing that yes, God is calling me to something, but it's not Marriage, it's not Religious Life (which I thought it was, as my only other option), and my longer-term followers know that some time ago I was working with others on forming a chapter of Lay Dominicans. Which finally hit a wall and died. For ALL of us who were exploring the option. The Holy Spirit has spoken.

So here I am, still a single woman, still certain I am NOT called to marriage. So often I am in Adoration while weddings take place next to the chapel. I hear the music, watch the Bride and Groom process out with great joy, and still...it doesn't call me. I'm happy for them and pray for them and hope they realize that their Vows before God and the Church are for life. But I don't want to be there and be one of them.

I've written of how Religious Life isn't calling me, either. Maybe that was the source of my terrible terrible interior experience while I visited the Sisters this summer; it ISN'T calling me, although I so thought that it was...and SHOULD.

Because, as I said before....it was my only other option. Knowing that I wasn't called to Marriage, knowing the Single life isn't right and isn't a legitimate Vocation, well...religious life has to be IT!

And so many told me how the Hound of Heaven would come after me if I tried to flee my Vocation, how I won't attain the holiness God has in mind for me, how I won't find true happiness if I flee and just ignore the Call. Some have said they think I'm just not accepting the Gift of Vocation (implying in the context of our conversations that my Vocation is religious life), and the worst, the worst, the very worst...the implication that I should just "do it!" because I allegedly have nothing to lose.

I confess I have sometimes thought that if I won the lottery, I'd pay off my debt, get rid of my stuff, and enter religious life, if I was accepted. But that wouldn't be a true sacrifice, would it? And those AREN'T my circumstances. The reality is that YES I have something to lose, and maybe God isn't calling me to lose it. The fact that I don't currently happen to CARE about what I have to lose doesn't mean that God doesn't have something to say about it.

I can't make a decision on something so important as my Vocation just because maybe I have "nothing to lose". If I don't know what I truly have, if getting rid of my house, my debt, my crappy stuff isn't a loss to me, how is that a sacrifice? Isn't that just looking for escape?

No. I won't enter religious life on a whim that I have "nothing to lose". That's a fallacious argument from silence. I might in fact, be placing myself out of God's will to do such a thing. I truly don't care if I lose all that I own. The sad thing is...it all owns me. I CAN'T escape it. I have nowhere to go. My impediment to entering religious life...I am owned. By sin and by debt and it's all my own fault. If it was what God intended for me originally, in any case, I don't want it and the door is shut.

And that's what it comes down to; I don't want it and the door is shut. I shut it. Maybe God already did but I thought it open. I tried the knob, it hasn't opened, maybe it's just stuck, but I'll take a hint. NO ONE can say I didn't seriously attempt to open the door. No one who knows me.

Or maybe my depression of the last couple weeks is indicative of my interior struggle at refusing God's sincere Call. I'll be discussing that option with my SD and with no one else.

So I am back to being Single

Do you see why I've been so depressed?

The premise that I have sought so sincerely, and single heartedly has not been borne out.

I defined my options as Priesthood, Marriage, and Religious Life. I am a woman and God has said only men are called to be Priests, and I agree with God on that. Wholeheartedly! I have eliminated Marriage, and now, I have eliminated Religious Life.

I am bereft.

Single, alone...without a Vocation. God has left me abandoned. So it seems.

A friend a few years ago, before I began discerning anything, said to me, "It's clear you have been set aside."

At first I was insulted, but over time came to realize that "set aside" is the highest of compliments. Things that are holy are said to be "set aside". They are marked in a special way to be designated for God, to point to God, to be used by God for something amazing.

For the record, there is NOTHING amazing about me. I don't stand out in a crowd and never will (Ironic I used to want to be famous. How dumb.) If I could avoid standing in front of a crowd and speaking...I would. If I could hide under my desk at work all day and just push stuff out through a little window...I would.

Then, today, I had an amazing revelation as I did my Mariology reading. There was mention of St. Catherine of Siena, one of my favorite Saints.

Back to the Single Vocation

St. Catherine of Siena was SINGLE. She was not properly a religious. Yes, she wore a habit as a Tiertiary Dominican, but she lived at home, with her family. At the command of God, she was essentially cloistered in her own room for three years, communing with God. She was an Anchoress, receiving visitors at her window, providing spiritual direction. Her mother used to command her to "Come out and help with the housework!".

Finally God told her to be obedient to her mother and to do as she asked. This St. Catherine did, and also entered into the community to care for the sick. And not just the sick, but those most ailing. Those no one wanted to touch. (I'm quite certain St. Catherine of Siena was a great inspiration for Bl. Mother Teresa!)

St. Catherine's family tried to force her into marriage, but she "disgraced" herself by cutting her hair. God never called her to Marriage. He never called her to enter the Dominican Monastery and live as a contemplative religious.

In her time, yes, she wore a habit and fulfilled all, but her juridical status was as a single woman...and what great things she did! She lived and died for God! She had a mystical marriage to Him, suffered hidden stigmata (which appeared after her death), and as a Single woman...saved the Church.

St. Joan of Arc was also a single woman. God did not call her to enter a religious community, and did not call her into marriage. She lived for God and died for Him, a virgin martyr.

Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati, did all he did as a single man. I believe he discerned he was called to marriage, so an argument can be made there. However...he was never married, was he? In reality, he lived and died in God's will...as a Single man. He, too, for those who don't know, was a Third Order Dominican.

I have to say, then....was he REALLY called to Marriage? It seems not, for he did all of his great work in this life as a Single man, and died before Marriage. As that Married Vocation wasn't lived out, can it really be said he was called to Marriage? I don't think it can. God couldn't have called him to marriage if He had intended and known that dear Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati be called Home before such Vows could be expressed.

There are other Saints and Blesseds out there who make this point.

A Vocation isn't a Vocation until it is realized. Until then, it is all discernment.

Just as in law, the crime label upon someone isn't imposed until sentencing (which is often for a lesser charge), so it is in the spiritual life a Vocation isn't imposed until profession or ordination.

That is what is binding.

So perhaps, after all this, God is calling me to the Single Life. So be it. I will accept that. All it means is that once again I am thrust into discernment; for the Single life, properly lived, still means there is a mission and there must be some kind of consecration to God, whether ordinary or extraordinary.

As there is nothing extraordinary about me, I'll once again look into what is ordinary (i.e. Lay Dominicans, where I am most drawn) and hope to live out the simple holiness God has always intended for me. We are ALL called to Holiness, and no matter what, I will work on that foundational principle of the Christian life.

Single, apparently IS a Vocation...but not one without strings. So I'm off to find that string again, one I thought was gone but maybe is just waiting for me to come back to it.....

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St. Catherine of Siena, St. Joan of Arc, Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati.... PRAY FOR US!

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*********Please, for the love of God and for His Mercy, stop offering me advice. I'm not asking for any and don't need it. Thank you. ***

Dominicans!

Well, I've written of my experience with the Sisters of Charity, where I spent most of my time, but I also spent about a day and a half with the Dominican Nuns in Summit, New Jersey. (You'll remember them from their illustrious blog, MonialesOP).

I don't know how long I've been following their blog, and when I began to do so I certainly never imagined I would ever actually VISIT them! Just goes to show that God has plans we know nothing about until He springs them on us!

If you'll recall, I mentioned the train into Newark where I took a lengthy tour of the platform and stood out like a farm girl visiting a big city for the first time. (Ironic...I've lived in a large metro area for years and used to live in south Minneapolis where car chases, midnight gunshots and screams were a given!) Yet I was a fish out of water at Penn Station - Newark NJ. Amazing.

Sr. M., their extern, was there to pick me up, and seriously, what a dear, dear Sister she is! I found it amusing, though, that she led me into the guest quarters at the Monastery somewhat apologetically.

Now, mind you, I'd just spent a week sleeping on an industrial plastic mattress which was mostly worn out, and plastic pillow that made sleep nearly impossible.

I had expected that the quarters at the Dominican Monastery would be similar; dorm-style showers, a little cell with a bed, desk, and a sink, uncomfortable bed proper to poverty, etc.

So imagine my joy to find that the guest quarters were more suite than cell, including a desk, a table, a TV, a microwave, a refrigerator and more coffee than I'd seen in what felt like forever! (It was really the coffee that won me over). Oh, and the bed was SO comfortable! It was real, with a real pillow!

Maybe on second thought it was the comfy bed and pillow that won me over...hmmm...

I could not figure out why Sr. M was apologetic about this!

Anyway, Sr. M. told me that Sr. MC would be meeting me in the parlor in a couple hours, so I had time to get settled, visit the beautiful chapel, and pray for a bit. I missed most of the Divine Office at 3 pm (my mistake!), but made all the other Hours in my time there.

For those who aren't aware, the Dominicans in Summit are cloistered, so I was not able to enter the enclosure to have the same kind of experience as the one I had with the Sisters of Charity. In order to have that, I'd have to apply for aspirancy of 2-6 weeks.

Sr. MC and I sat in the parlor a great deal that day and the following, chatting about relevant and irrelevent things, and of course, got along famously. And true to what I'd expect from the Dominicans, I was given a couple books to read during my time there, for how can one ever visit a Dominican Monastery and NOT study? The very idea would be completely sacriligious!

It's unfortunate, but all I had there was one full day. I would have loved more time there in prayer, to follow along while they sang the prayer of the Church, to fall into the routine a bit more, and of course, have the solitude and time to contemplate the many questions which have arison on this trip.

On Thursday evening the Novices hung out with me for awhile and gave me some of their stories, which is always amazing. I love hearing how Our Lord speaks to others, how they came to enter the monastery or convent or abbey.

Our time was all too short, and of course, I continue to love the Dominicans. I was sad to leave on Friday morning. There is something about meeting people face to face, spending time with them, especially when our friendship is formed through our shared faith, that forges a bond in a short time.

I don't know if I'll be returning to either community; that is in God's hands. Naturally I'd LOVE to go back, but the question remains whether it's God's will, or my true desire.

Time will tell.

Intimidated

Today I received a packet of information from the Dominicans with whom I will be residing (outside the enclosure) for a few days one month from now. Yes, I've been to their blog, I've been to their site, and we've exchanged emails, but until recently, the real possibility of a visit hadn't materialized.

I think the reception of the packet made me realize that somehow, this is the real thing. All the prayer, all the angst, all the agony, all the preparation that has come before and will come...is for this. (At least for now!)

After I graduated from college and filled out applications for police departments, it didn't feel "real" until I got the phone call from Captain R., telling me that I'd passed the interview process and they were extending me a conditional offer. I had to pass a physical, a psychological, and a background investigation. The latter came in a packet of 80 pages...literally, 80 pages, going all the way back to my childhood!

I remember the time I took to fill it out as completely as possible, the angst at not being able to provide some of what they wanted, meeting with the Background Investigator (who later became my first Field Training Officer), and finally, the conditional offer was fulfilled and I was given a start date. I arrived, my uncle drove my mother there, and they witnessed one of the most auspicious moments of my life: I was very solemnly sworn in as Police Officer. Finally! To Protect and To Serve, maybe to die.

But that didn't last long. Three months later, I was looking for another job, another career...and seeking God in my humiliation.

Fast forward a few years. A boyfriend encouraged me to train for and take the Fire Department. test, and I still remember visiting him at his assigned station, where that day, there just happened to be a Recruiter. I filled out a notification card right there in the station, and began to train. It was the most intense physical training of my life, all done independently, which pushed me into a level of ability maybe only elite athletes obtain. I knew then that I could do ANYTHING and began to consider training for the Ironman Triathlon. Or, at least, half that.

(Um..no one can maintain that level of training without a very serious goal!)

Then, one day, my friend called me to say that a certified letter had arrived from the City and that since neither of us had been home to sign for it, I had to pick it up at the post office. My boyfriend (the firefighter) drove me there to get it on a snowy April morning. My heart was in my throat. I hadn't realized this could actually HAPPEN! The odds were against it! 3,000 applicants to begin, the number had been cut first through the written test, then the physical, then the interviews. I was one of the few to receive an offer. I was stunned. It's a moment that changed my life forever, and I knew it; I could not turn it down.

I admit now that I wanted to turn it down, just as much as I wanted to accept it. My interior agony was so apparent that even my boyfriend who knew me so well commented that he thought I'd be happy.

I wasn't. I was terrified...and yet...knew I had to accept this step. I don't regret it, even now.

That lasted a year, and then I was out looking for another job. This time it was a physical injury sustained in training. I STILL don't have 100% range of motion in my thumb, and THAT problem was as a result of the surgery, not the injury!

Collateral Damage

The reality is that as we go through life, we are torn down, rebuilt, and often damaged in the process.

One of my biggest challenges has been that collateral damage. I look at my "big careers", dreams I've had since childhood, things I never thought I could do I finally did...and realized they weren't for me. I'd put all I had into those things, and even though I was not practicing my faith for the most part, I was praying. Sincerely praying. Sincerely desiring to do God's will, wanting Him on my side.

Do you see the problem? I was praying...but for the wrong thing. I was praying that God's will be mine. Not the other way around. I was like Martha, telling God what to do.

But God is faithful, and perhaps things have come around again, this time from another perspective.

Intimidated by Reality

As I said, today I received a packet of information from the Dominicans, an Order for which I have a particular affinity, an Order that has a special place within the Church, a charism of ancient importance, and Saints of historical significance.

I have not read the entire packet yet, but only glanced over it, looked at the horarium (daily schedule) and the information on aspirancy, postulancy, etc. It's laid out very clearly. I looked at the schedule and realized that for a few days, I'd be getting a taste of it. And I was intimidated.

For a moment, I felt "trapped." What if I hated it? What if I wanted to pray, but couldn't? How would I handle such structure when the life I live now is barely structured at all? How would I handle all that time of silence and prayer?

I remembered receiving the notifications from my previous careers, and this...this visit is naught but a visit. An Inquiry. A taste of a life I know little about. It's not even akin to an interview, for even though I will meet the Sisters, and certainly we may be sizing each other up to a degree, it is more friendly than anything else. It is a mere introduction to friends I know are friends without even having met them in person.

A Vocation is not a job. And perhaps that's where I've always been wrong.

When I look back at the careers I've had, I realize that it's not that I was seeking a career...but rather, a way of life. One of the things I loved about law enforcement is that cops are cops "forever". It's one of the things that attracted me. I wasn't seeking something for 9-5, but something that would define me. And to a certain degree, it did. Leaving that life was a brutally painful experience, but one I needed. As to whether one is a cop forever?

Just ask my last supervisor, who once told me, "You shouldn't confront people so directly in person! Do it on the phone. You're not carrying a .9 mm anymore!"

He was right. No, I'm not a cop anymore, and I will never be again. I don't even identify with them, but the experience has placed an indelible mark upon me; one that makes me both more critical and more sympathetic towards police officers. And I respect the good ones all that much more now.

Firefighting...same thing. It's not just a job. Ask any firefighter; it changes them somehow. For me, having come from law enforcement, it was part of the same thing. But for others, it leaves a mark. It's a way of life, never limited to the hours of employment. It's a rare firefighter who leaves the station and doesn't switch into "on duty" when the situation requires it. In fact, it's part of the ethical and moral code that those who can help....MUST.

I realize I was never seeking a job. I wasn't seeking a circle of good friends. From the very beginning, I have been seeking my Vocation. I have been desiring from the very core of my heart and soul to dedicate myself unconditionally to something, to someone, and I finally understand that this seeking is...God.

That's what a Vocation is about. That's what we are all called to do. Yes, we can have jobs in the world, but we ALL have Vocations that trump everything else. A married cop is married before he is a cop. (The reason for high divorce rates in law enforcement couples is not the Job, but the failure to recognize the priority of Marriage OVER the Job!)

So it is that this evening as I glanced over the materials I was sent, I was intimidated. This time, it isn't about a job I could leave at will. It isn't something I found on careerbuilder or monster.com. It's not a "hot job" to be found on some other site.

It's not a job.

A Vocation is life itself, not just for me, but for the Church.

One of my problems is that I tend to become overwhelmed by the immensity of things. When I look at the overall process, not only do I see the level of committment, but the very magnitude paralyzes me. It is there that I have to remember that discernment goes step by step, and like any way of seeking holiness, it is about God's presence in each individual moment. He reveals Himself to the degree that we are willing to reveal ourselves. Our Lord is a perfect Gentleman and gently leads us, but never against our will. The very moment we say "No! This is too much!" He stops, waiting. And in fact, as God cannot be surprised, we often find that He has stopped long before we did, for He knows when we are trying to push beyond parameters He already set.

We often tend to look back and see God patiently waiting for us at the pasture fence, smiling fondly in His love for us. It is we who panic, and without cause.

It is we who see the reality of true freedom and run for the false protection of a barn about to collapse.

It is we who flee at the first hint of real love...for we don't know what love is truly about.

Yes, I'm intimidated, especially by the importance of this decision, one which I've not yet been asked to make. I'm excited to go, excited to meet the Sisters, excited to have this very spiritual adventure.

It doesn't matter that I'm intimidated: I know that My Lord awaits.

He always has.

I Have Proof!

I offer you clear evidence that Our Lady has a special place in her heart for her Dominican family, and so may I introduce you to:

Our Lady of the Dominicans!

(I took this photo last Saturday during the snowstorm.)

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And if you'll kindly observe the next photo, which was taken in August, we can see the obvious popularity of Our Lady's protector:

St. Joseph has a Fan!

(And if you're wondering why Jesus isn't contained in this post...it's because Our Lady of the Dominicans and St. Joseph with a Fan are still on their 8 or 9 day journey to Bethelem. (Kinda makes you think of a Novena...doesn't it?)

Book Review: Vocation in Black and White

Book Review: Vocation in Black and White

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Many women, however, have been called to the Dominican Nuns’ contemplative way of life. In honor of 800 years of Dominican ministry, twenty-three nuns share their stories of how God invited them to this way of life in Vocation in Black and White: Dominican Contemplative Nuns Tell How God Called Them. The stories are amazing. It is so interesting to read of the various ways God speaks to a soul. There is no set blueprint, no formula by which someone can be certain that they have a call to contemplative life. Sometimes it was an interior voice that spoke in a woman’s heart. Other times, it was the simple unfolding of circumstances that led a woman to the Dominicans’ door. There is no set background a woman must have had.

Read the whole thing! That book is HUGELY on my reading list (when this semester ends mid-December...)

Virtues

Today is the Feast of St. Teresa of Avila, another of one of my favorite Saints, and one whose work "Interior Castle" I'll be reading following this next weekend.

However, given that thus far I've been reading St. Catherine of Siena and have yet to finish "Dialogue", well, let's just say that her words currently have far more impact to date.

To the uninitiated, "Dialogue" is exactly what it claims to be; an earnest conversation between the Holy Soul of St. Catherine and God the Father; a work of approved Private Revelation considered to be one of the greatest and most astounding works in the history of the Church. It is solid doctrine, provided to a Saint who had no means of having acquired such knowledge, and as I am reading it, I have no doubt whatsoever that God himself spoke in His own words.

Virtues

The work often speaks of the Virtues, and in fact, this topic comes up early and is woven throughout. What struck me, though, was this: we are all given virtues. No, that's not news. But we all have, as a gift at Confirmation, a dominant virtue, and this virtue, fueled by charity (Divine Love, another virtue) is what brings us to all the other virtues. Each of us has a dominant Virtue; Humility, Patience, Faith, Perseverence, Fortitude, Charity, Temperance...it is a gift. Can you understand this? EACH of us, as a GIFT has a dominant virtue...and that is the tool God uses to help us utilize the others.

When I first began reading this, I wondered at my Virtue; what could it be? It was so easy to eliminate them, but then, I realized, even going way back, that God has given me the virtue of Faith. Even if I would doubt this, a couple years ago, a new priest assigned to my parish made note of it in a way I can't deny. I came to know him through Theology on Tap, and he offered to meet with me, seeing my nervousness upon the first presentations I gave to the RCIA class. He was a priest who gave me a certain confidence as I sought to pass on this great Faith we have been given.

He was moved, very suddenly, to cover a parish that was about to lose its priest, and as I said my goodbye to him and wished him well, he placed his hand on my shoulder and thanked me for my witness of faith to him. I was shocked...what had I done or said that was helpful to HIM?

He had the Mass the next evening, which I did not attend, but did get to the church in time for Confession. I'd sent him an email, and as he passed me he thanked me for it, and I headed into the Confession line.

It has been my practice for a long time to go to anonymous Confession, for otherwise I'm tempted to "sugar coat" my sins. And that night was no exception, and I had a particularly difficult sin to confess.

The priests I know have often spoke of the action of the Holy Spirit when they hear Confessions, and when they give their advice. That evening, I confessed what I had to confess, and from the other side of the screen, Father spoke very clearly about the Gift of Faith I had been given, how important it was, and to never stop listening to God through this Gift. I'll never forget his voice or his words as I knelt, surprised, knowing what I deserved for my sin...and yet hearing not just mercy, but receiving edification.

A part of me wonders if Father had seen me get in line and recognized my voice; and if he did, I'm not embarassed, worried, or offended. He said something that resonated, and that went to the heart of what I was doing that day and am doing now. He reminded me that God's mercy does not rest on our wrongs, but rather who He created us to be, and that He gave us Virtues to assist us in reaching Him.

Maybe Faith is my main Virtue...and it's the one that, through Charity, will help me develop all of the others, just as God the Father revealed to St. Catherine of Siena.

Consider the gifts you have been given, and if you don't know your foundational virtue...pray about it. Ask God what He has given you, and once that is revealed, focus on that to help you grow in all the other virtues.

We are given all we need to achieve Sainthood; the only problem is that we lack self-knowledge. If we pray for that, God will be gracious in His blessings; and we can become closer to Him through the very key He provides even before He gives us the rest of the keyring.

What is YOUR Virtue? What is your key?

Turn one...find all the others.

"Wherefore, learn, that, in many cases I give one virtue, to be as it were the chief of the others, that is to say, to one I will give principally love, to another justice, to another humility, to one a lively faith, to another prudence or temperance, or patience, to another fortitude. These, and many other virtues I place, indifferently, in the soul of many creatures; it happens, therefore, that the particular one so placed in the soul becomes the principal object of its virtue; the soul disposing herself, for her chief conversation, to this rather than to the other virtues, and, by the effect of this virtue, the soul draws to herself all the other virtues, which, as has been said, are all bound together in the affection of love....I have not placed them all in one soul, in order that man should perforce, have material love for his fellow."

~ St. Catherine of Siena, "Dialogue", A Treatise on Divine Providence

To Love God

Indeed, only then do we possess a truth completely when we teach it to others, when we make others share our contemplation; only then do we wholly love God when we desire to make Him loved by all. Give money away, or spend it, and it is no longer yours. But give God to others and you possess Him more fully for yourself. We may go even further and say that, if we desired only one soul to be deprived of Him, if we excluded only one soul - even the soul of one who persecutes and calumniates us - from our own love, then God Himself would be lost to us.

~ Rev. R. Garrigou-LaGrange, OP

A Quiet Moment...with Adoro

An oxymoron, I know. Deal with it. You read me. Some of you actually know me in person. Would you expect anything else?

So...first up...

HIDING THE FAITH

Do you have "liberal" or "modernist" friends? Or non-Catholic friends or co-workers? When they come to your office (if a co-worker) or to your home, are you tempted to hide some of your more obvious items that point towards your embrace of Catholicism, in order to avoid "offending" this strange person? If so...is this person more important than God to you? Are you ashamed of your heritage?

What's WRONG with you?

If you're Catholic, and you embrace our faith, then EMBRACE it! People throughout the centuries have DIED for what you love...and you're willing to put it in a closet in order to avoid "offending" someone you may not even know in a year's time? Or fear this person may reject you or your positions because you believe in Petrine Primacy as established by Christ our Savior, and you believe in the Virgin Birth and that the Bible reveals both the Christ of history AND the Christ of Faith???? Quit being such a wuss! If you claim to be Catholic....LIVE IT! Live it to the degree that you're willing to DIE for it as did your ancestors in the Faith!

Moving on..

CRITTERS

I don't know what is is with nature lately. Just yesterday when I was yacking with a co-worker in the hallway at work (a church), a bat meandered (and by that I mean...dive-bombed) through the hallway in the middle of the afternoon. Apparently he had insomnia. And he wasn't a fan of the open fire doors, so flew towards the school then doubled back a couple times, swooping at our heads.

I let out my own "WOOP!" as I jammed the key into the lock of our office door, which I'd inadvertantly forgotten to leave open. With great regret. Ironically, I'd read an article yesterday, the day of the event, about the preponderance of bats in August, and the need, in any actual contact, to be tested for rabies. Not desiring to be tested for rabies or jammed with multiple needles, I knelt on the floor as I fumbled with the lock, laughing hysterically as I remembered my last "bat hunt" when I was working security at a University. That, incidentally, was followed by yelling directions at a confused squirrel that had wandered into Heffron Hall....

And today...a nasty spider made an appearance on my desk as I was eating my luncheon salad. It was black and had two racing stripes down either side of its body, and it was really FAST! I tried to kill it with a bad magazine featuring bad vestments on the cover (a good use for the magazine, actually), but that little thing went under the desk. No WAY was I going to sit down, so I peered underneath, trying to see the spider so I could smash it into oblivion.

It was teasing me. It appeared...and disappeared, over and over again. I was peering underneath again, and the thing crawled on the edge, near my forehead, causing me to screech (for about the 3rd time), a completely involuntary reaction, as my boss the DRE yelled at me to kill the darned thing already. And she was talking to the head Custodian, who must certainly have been doubled-over laughing at the noises I was making.

Well, they don't realize that the spider disappeared SO FAST that I thought it might well have transferred itself in a single bound onto my head...and the idea made me want to prefer to die than suffer that!

But I saw it and I smashed it and instantly felt better for having committed the murder most foul. Or justified....I vote for justified. That spider TOYED with me!

And then so did my co-workers. My DRE, the boss, suggested that I can expect at some point in the future to have a remote-controlled spider dangle over my head attached to a fishing line,while I work unsuspectingly and in tranquility at my desk or somewhere else.

I assured her I'd quit with no notice should such threat take place. I think she was kidding.

I wasn't.

GOOD THINGS HAPPEN, TOO

So, after all that trauma, a cool thing also happened today. A local Hawthorne Dominican recently came to speak for us, and she did a wonderful job, and she and I somehow spoke about books and Padre Pio and other things. (Dominicans are SO COOL!!) Well, she was going to send me a book.

Today I received a package, and found not that book but a St. Dominic card with a message from her explaining the book that she DID find...one called "Quiet Moments with Padre Pio."

What an incredible book! It's filled with short meditations, things that he said or things stated about him from those who were close to him. And all that I read today is relevant to me...this book is a true gift, not just from Sister, but from Padre Pio as well.

I leave you with the blessed and profound words of the Saint himself:

SAFE IN THE DIVINE ARMS:

- April 23, 1918 letter to Erminia Gargani

Do not anticipate the problems of this life with the apprehension, but rather with a perfect hope that God, to whom you belong, will free you from them
accordingly. He has defended you up to now. Simply hold on tightly to the hand of his divine prividence and he will help you in all events, and when you are unable to walk, he will lead you.

Why should you fear when you belong to this God who strongly assured us: "We know that in everything God works for the good with those who love him"? Don't think about tomorrow's events, because the same Heavenly Father who takes care of you today will do the same tomorrow and forever.

Live tranquilly, [removing] from your imagination that which upsets you and often say to our Lord: Oh God, you are my God and I will trust in you. You will assist me and be my refuge, and I will fear nothing because not only are you with him, but you are in him and he is within you. What can a child fear in the arms of its father?

*
Incredible, how he can speak so profoundly to me through such a random event and person. I'm constantly amazed at how this simple Franciscan chooses to speak to me through Dominican and other messengers, answering my latest concerns, my latest prayers, and my truest desires.

God is good. God desires our good. And when we are desperate to hear His voice...he speaks, but never as we expect.

And Back Again...

I haven't mentioned the Lay Dominicans for quite awhile, and for good reason; in my own part, nothing has happened. Nothing. My "partner in crime" has made some headway, gathered some other Dominicans without homes, and followed his leads...and again, they've not gone far.

I was beginning to wonder if maybe this wasn't to be...just yet. And so I let it be, knowing that God will reveal Himself on His time, not ours.

And today, that happened. It happened first when I was praying en route to work as usual, and I realized I hadn't prayed the Dominican Litany of Saints for a long time, and as I'm in need of their powerful intercession, I realized I should remember to do so today. (Although I forgot to do so...apparently they were still praying.)

Then I received a special affirmation from Our Lady today, something I prayed about a couple months ago.

Then, this evening, I went to dinner with Mary, my soon-to-be-cloistered (Benedictine) friend, and on my other side? A possible future Dominican, and apparently Mary had told her about me months ago with regard to this lay community that may or may not come to be.

In conversation, more ideas and connections appeared, and I realized that I was not off the hook. It seems that if a community is to happen here, God has indeed designated me as one of the founders. And what can I do but give my acquiescence to His will in this matter?

I am thankful that things move slowly, for I have no idea what we're doing or really, what we're getting ourselves into. But God does, He is in charge, and I know that if this is part of my mission on earth, well...who am I to run away?

*

God's Providence

I don't know why I'm always praying and hoping and waiting and worrying, and then, when God answers...I'm always completely shocked.

As you may recall, some of us are working on maybe starting a chaper of Lay Dominicans, and so I did some research, I contacted some local Sisters (wonderful, wonderful Nashville Dominicans), and did everything else I could think of to do. And then I was at a dead end, and so decided to let God work. And I prayed the Litany of Dominican Saints, which is a powerful prayer.

Nothing has happened for over a month, and a part of me has been wondering if it's all in vain...were we really doing the right thing? But of course, patience is necessary.

Then I went to class last night, and learned that while I've been resting and studying and preparing for Holy Week, God has been working.

It seems that there are two Dominican priests coming to our area from another country. They have been requested by a local institution, it has been approved by the Archbishop...and now our quest to begin this new Chapter goes on.

I'm completely amazed. Completely.

And driving home last night, I couldn't stop thanking God for His providence, His apparent answer to our prayers. They'll even be pretty close to where I live!

Now, the cautionary disclaimer; we don't yet know for certain if it's set in stone, if they are for CERTAIN coming, if they are here, or if it'll be months or more. However, if we can validate this information clearly, then we have another person likely to be interested in forming a chapter, and that person likely knows more. Thus, by the time the priests are in place, all that we can do will be set.

Amazing. Isn't it wonderful how we go about our lives, and in the meantime God is slowly moving things into place. And He knows when we will learn the surprise; and in fact, He plans it that way. I just have a mental image of God standing back, grinning when His surprises are revealed to us.

Please keep this intention in your prayers...even though it all seems that it will really happen, there are many unknowns, such as: what if the priests who are coming have embraced a strange theology? What if they have no interest or are unable to mentor us/direct us as Dominican laity?

So we're not at the end, not even close, but I can't help but see God's hand in this. In everything.

God's Dog

One of the parables that speaks most profoundly to my heart is about the woman Jesus calls a dog. I still remember sitting at Mass one summer morning as Father told us that he didn't know why Jesus called her a dog, so he couldn't speak to that.

But I understand why now, although I didn't then. I think that maybe you have to be a "dog person" in order to see what Jesus was getting at.

The woman was a pagan and her daughter was very sick. So she went to Jesus and withstood the derision of His Apostles, even went to her knees to beg. She compared herself to a dog who receives even the scraps from its Master's table, after Jesus tells her he can not cast to the dogs what is meant for the children.

I love this parable. I'm not the woman; I'm the dog, willing to receive what is cast off. And so was she.

It is not about an abasement of true dignity; it is a parable about digging deeper in the reality of who Jesus is, and who we are in relation to God. In our "feel-good" culture, we are seen as mentally ill if we accurately ascertain that we are dust, and to dust we will return. We are seen as "weak" if we put on the mind of God and seek to submit to His Divine will, and work to live our lives out in obedience.

Many see this comparison to a dog as a negative thing; for we are human beings, and in most of the scriptures, dogs are not captured in a very good light. They seem downright disgusting, in fact.

I feel I must step forward and defend the honor of dogs, however, because indeed, they are noble creatures, for all their...uh...habits.

In my life, I have had several dogs, each with their own personality, each with a particular lesson for me. I will not go into detail about each lesson, but rather, will discuss the generalities.

Right now, I live alone, and I got the dog I have now, a German Shepherd, shortly after I bought my house. I have a gun and I have ammo, but in the presence of a canine, I don't feel the need to keep it loaded and near at hand...as I did when I lived in south Minneapolis in a corner room with no way out.

So my dog is, first and foremost, a companion and a defender. That is something noble.

Secondly, this dog, and others that I have owned, have brought certain flaws to my attention. I remember our early months, in which she and I were still getting acquainted, and I remember some of my reactions to her canine behaviors. Her behavior was very dog-like, and even some specific German-Shepherd-like flavorings. And my reaction was less than holy. In reality, what I learned from those interactios brought me to the Confessional and to God's mercy as that dog helped me to identify my shortcomings.

I was humbled by a dog. Truly.

I've also seen other qualities out of her, things that have made me contemplate different attributes of God.

When I call, she comes. Not always, as sometimes I have to call a few times in order to get her attention. And when she comes, she is always prancing and pleased...but still maybe distracted by things outside the walls of our home. And yet I still love her and am grateful for her presence.

There are times when I have come home from work only to find her "apologizing" for something. I can't see anything obvious...there is nothing to indicate she has done something wrong. But her behavior is distinctive...her ears are back, her head is ducked, and she sits on my feet, looking upwards with big eyes, wagging the tip of her tail.

There's no mistaking it...she's done something wrong. Sometimes it's HOURS before I discover the problem. Animal behaviorists will argue that dogs don't know right from wrong. I agree, to a point; certainly they do not have the ability to discern morality, however, they DO remember what behaviors have gotten them in trouble in the past. They live mostly in the moment, but if they did not recognize what they have learned as proper behavior, they would be untrainable. Thus, they DO know when they have done something wrong, as previously defined in their experience.

And thus the apologetic behavior.

And when she comes to me with those big eyes and flattened ears, when she ducks her head in appeasement, I can't help but reach down to her, still shaking a finger, but loving her that much more. Because...she's just so darn cute!

And the loyalty...dogs are well known for their loyalty, for their devotion, for their companionship, their ability to attach to their master or mistress. Loyalty is a virtue.

So I ask you...

How much more does God love us when we have done wrong? How much more is He willing to forgive when we approach Him begging for mercy? If I, in all my sinfulness, can forgive my dog and feel my heart swell as she sits on my feet in apology, how much greater is God's mercy for us? Especially when you consider the kinds of things we as humans do and the real harm that we cause. And how much more does God demand our loyalty, and how much more meaningful is it, truly? I can only WISH I was as loyal to God as my dog is to me.

I could go on and on, but suspect it is not necessary. I know why Jesus called that woman a dog, and if He called me as such, I would recognize it as the compliment that He intended. Would that I were a dog! One belonging only to God, my loyalty pledged, recognizing my Master. Expecting to be fed, dependent upon His hand, living in the moment so as to glorify God in all circumstances.

In my more recent musings about becoming a Third Order Dominican, I have considered the symbol of a dog with a torch in his mouth. It comes from a play on words, of "Domine" (God) and "Canis" (dog). God's dog.

How proper for me. About a year ago I prayed to God, using that scripture passage, to throw me a few scraps. And indeed, He has. For God always provides. And it seems he was calling me even more deeply into that scripture...to truly become that dog, to dedicate myself more fully to Him, to recgonize Him as my master, just as a dog recognizes his Master.

Would that I would have the attributes of a dog...if I did, I'd be a lot closer to sainthood.

Discernment

I don't understand how one can "discern" into something that isn't there. I don't understand how one can feel a call to something they don't see, can't obtain because it isn't present, or just "know" it is where they belong. And it's a far cry from the nihilism that so plagues our society.

For years now, I know that God has been calling me to something. I don't know what, really. I'll admit the door isn't closed on religious life, nor is it closed on marriage, nor is it closed on the single life. On one hand, it seems that I don't know how to close doors. On the other hand, I wonder if they are SUPPOSED to stand open?

Each state in life has a beauty unto itself, a differing relationship with God, each important, equally, in the life of the Church. Each is needed for the holiness of the individual soul and to contribute properly to the Mystical Body of Christ. Each is beloved of God.

Each is a Vocation.

It's been discussed here before, but I still don't accept the idea that the single life is a "Vocation Inactivated." In fact, I find the idea insulting and, quite honestly, narrow-minded out of willful ignorance.

Sorry, I tend to speak bluntly. That's why the parish I work at is making plans to lynch me any day now.

But my words are not without love. Because I could ONLY come to this realization with love, and I can only express it, bluntly, with love. Maybe it's my German heritage. I dunno.

In any case, just look at the single men and women who have contributed to building the Kingdom of God. Consider Blessed Pierre Giorgio Frassati, (a tiertiary Dominican, by the way) who was 24 when he died. He did what he did and lived the life that he lived as a chaste single man. God did not call him to the religious life, nor did He call him to marry. God called this young man to serve His people in the lay state, as a Single. And he rose to his Vocation.

And what about St. Margaret of Castello, another Dominican? She was a deformed child, abandoned, and chosen from eternity to serve Christ and His Church in a special way. She was DEFORMED...clearly she could not be called to marriage. And from what I remember from her story, she was also rejected from religious life but was allowed to live as a Third Order Dominican. I must look over her story again. In any case, if she WAS admitted to the religious life, I do not see a story of a Vocation inactivated. She lived her Vocation in the state that she was given, fully.

The very idea of "inactive" is insulting, demeaning, and I do believe that people are going to be answering to God one day for such malignment of holy souls. No, there is NOT "someone for everyone." And you know it.

Yes, yes, yes, I realize that the term "vocation" can be greatly abused if used in the secular sense, and that sense is sometimes intermixed with the spiritual sense of the word. But I hold that there are 3 legitimate states in life: Married, Religious, and Single, in no particular order. All are necessary. All are beautiful.

And clearly my usage of the term is not in reference to employment, but rather, a state in life, a state chosen by God Himself. Disagree if you wish as that is your perogative. But I will not change this position, nor will I engage in the argument. I am at peace with the idea, and you have the right to be at peace with your own idea.

So, you may be wondering...what am I talking about here, in this ramble of a meandering musing post?

Discernment. It has many forms. Each more confusing than the last.

A few years ago I met a man who wanted to enter a Third Order. It was a fairly new idea to me, and for myself, I did not feel called to it. I did not belive I was called to religious life, and I don't know that I've ever felt a real STRONG call to marriage. Then again, talk to me in a few days and I may say something different. Marriage is beautiful.

I can tell you that it is wonderful to be a single woman, and there are things that I can offer in this state, and can do in this state that I could not accomplish as a married woman. I can also tell you there are things that I WOULD be able to do if I were married and had a man in the house! In fact, at times it seems I'd have MORE freedom by being married.

And while the idea of religious life is still there, it still repels me to a certain degree, which I feel I must discuss. For one thing, while people who know me see my social face, they see it on my terms. When I am feeling social. And indeed, I am a talker, I do like people, certainly...but I can only take so much. I have ALWAYS been very isolative. I was a very shy child and always withdrew to be alone, in silence. Yet sometimes the silence and aloneness (not the same as lonliness) is too much, and I need to be around people. I need a certain balance.

My family fell apart and I know that this contributed to who I am today, because I can't fairly say I am comfortable with community living. I will admit that it draws me like a moth to a light, but at the same time, I am also repelled, as though sensing a ZAP! is coming if I get too close.

I know that the religious life is completely proper to a socialite, contrary to maybe popular opinion. The men and women who enter cloisters and other religious communities tend to be outgoing (although all personality types are called). And it is their outgoing nature that gives them the ability to be in the constant presence of others...the SAME others...most of the time.

I don't think God gave me that gene. I LOVE living alone, but I don't think I could be a hermit.

In other words, maybe I'm telling you that I'm a normal human being with a personality that can go anywhere, with God's grace. But might be more suited to just remaining in the lay state, in the world, but not OF the world. Unfortunately, this reality does not solve my discernment issue.

For a long time now, I have sensed a closeness to the Dominican charisms. Since my reversion, I have recognized an intense thirst and hunger for God, and nothing really quenches it. I continue to desire to study, to learn, and to share those fruits. I can't keep my mouth shut or my keyboard silent. I MUST speak.

And I also feel a draw to be a part of SOME KIND of community, some form of common prayer, something more intimate than the larger Church, but never apart from her.

In short...I need more. I want to give my life to Christ, I want to give all that I am, all that I have, all that I have been, and all that I will ever be...to Him. And for some of the faithful, that means entering religious life. For others, that means getting married and raising children. For others, it means offering themselves as singles.

So even as I need...I crave to BE needed. To fit somewhere definitively. To make some kind of committment.

I already know that my life means nothing apart from the Cross. While certain points of religious life have their appeal, so does living as a single. And more and more, while I love the idea of marriage, I don't think that's where God is calling me.

God created us all for Himself, and Himself alone. He called us out of eternity, formed us, and placed us in the womb of our mothers. He brought us to live in that warm, encompassing environment, already a foreshadowing of the beatific vision. He brought us into the world, already beloved by Him. Our lives have meaning. Every one. Even those of the aborted children, martyrs by conception, have meaning for someone. Everything is ordered toward God. All is His.

I know that I am His, because I don't belong to anyone else.

In December, I feared we'd lose Mom, and that scares me. Because although I don't rely on her anymore, I still NEED her, maybe partially for definition. We lost Dad in 1995, and in truth, we'd lost him long before that. But Mom...we need Mom. When she goes, it will be my brother and I. And I have no one. My brother has his girlfriend (future wife!) and her family. I don't. I have only God.

I know that my singlehood has been a special place. It is through this state that I have become friends with such Saints as St. Joseph (to whom my Mom has always had a devotion, especially after she was divorced) and others. I have been able to "converse" with the Saints by virtue of the fact that there is no one else. I have a sense of being "adopted" and even protected. Speak to any faithful single...God has His hand on us in a special way.

And now enter the idea of becoming a Lay Dominican. Where I fled the idea of the Third Order Carmelites, and shuddered at the idea of the Secular Franciscans, I am more intensely drawn to the concept of being a Lay Dominican.

There is nothing wrong with the Carmelites. It is a beautiful spirituality, and many Carmelite Saints are good friends of mine. I would not be where I am without them. And they will always inform my spirituality. And the Franciscans...LOVE the Franciscans. St. Francis has always been a special friend as long as I can remember. And it's not a mistake that St. Francis and St. Dominic were very good friends...God drew them together for the sake of the Kingdom. Seperate...but just as important.

And of course, St. Augustine. You don't hear of the "Augustinians", but are you aware that the Dominicans live by the Rule of St. Augustine? Several years ago I took a "test" and it told me that I had "Augustinian" spirituality. What I read seemed to fit, and I read the other descriptions as well. I did not know at the time that "Augustinian Spirituality" was also Dominican.

It was St. Augustine and St. Monica who have brought me to where I am. And for many reasons, both have been present in my life, although I haven't always recognized them.

It seems my Saints are all in cahoots. They have brought me here...they will not abondon me here.

Now I am stepping forward in trust. While I have fled the idea of religious life and feel "so-so" towards marriage, I am loving the idea of professing to a secular order. And maybe it's just a step. Maybe God has other plans for me. Maybe He wants me to remain in the world as a single woman, but connected to a certain community. Maybe He will use this to lead me to my future husband. Maybe He will use this as a springboard into religious life.

Maybe it will all come to nothing and there will be an entirely different surprise.

Not to be morbid, but maybe I'll die tomorrow. And maybe it's my "Yes!" today that will make a difference in that moment.

I realized back in November that I wasn't in a place to say "Yes" to God, and that took me by surprise. But nothing takes God by surprise. He knows our hearts, he knows our true desires, and He will do what is necessary to help us come to Him. He is infinitely patient, infinitely merciful, infinitely good.

Maybe I still can't say "yes" unconditionally, but I am willing to take steps, holding tightly to His hand. And maybe the steps I am taking now will bear fruit.

Complete and Utter Exhaustion

It's 10:30 on Sunday night and I'm wiped out.

The last couple weeks have been very tiring and stressful, and last week was the worst of the two, between the ticked-off religious ragers and studying for tests this weekend for class...I haven't been able to sleep well. Then I survived the weekend (although there goes my GPA!), and got through the marathon hours of classwork. On Saturday I was in class between 8 am to 7 pm, meaning my dog was alone for about 12 hours, but she's done very well. And today, we began at 8, Mass was beautiful, beautiful, beautiful (I may need to switch parishes...that one is just HOME to me!), and our class ended at about 4. Then I rushed home to feed the dog and walk her, before rushing off to work to teach Confirmation tonight.

It's been a very long day. Very long. Very long.

But something is happening in our corner of the world. At lunch, there was a lull in conversation, and something made me blurt out, "Does anyone know if there is a Third Order Dominican community anywhere around here?"

One of my classmates looked up and said no, he'd looked into it. There is one local Dominican priest, but let's just say his theology would not stand up to that of the Church's. And unfortunately, if we were to call a legitimate community and ask for a Dominican priest, his is the name that would be given.

As it turns out, a few others in class are drawn to the Dominican charism and spirituality as well. As is our Professor, who was looking into this in his own are (he doesn't live locally).

I don't know where this is going, but there seems to be a bunch of lay Dominicans without a home in this area, and none of this seems conincidental.

Must pray and discern. Personally, I've felt very drawn to the Dominican charism for a long time and I hadn't really considered a secular order...until today, actually. And now it suddenly seems like a good idea. I have no idea why. Yes, I know about third orders, but they never appealed to me before, so I don't understand this sudden change in attitude as well as the discovery that this idea has been occurring to others as well.

Could it be.....the Holy Spirit? Hmmmm.

But I'm not going to worry about it, because I need to go to bed. Although if a dog appears to me tonight holding a torch in his mouth....