Recently, I was listening to a book by Karin Slaughter, “We are All Guilty Here” and in the story, there is a line that surprised me. “Groomers don’t just groom children; they groom everyone around them.” I don’t think I have ever heard this, and it was one of those eye-opening moments that was so simple and clear. Groomers are often the neighborhood “nice guy”. They are the people who mow your lawn when you are sick, loan you money, and give you a ride when your car breaks down. That way, when a child accuses them of doing something wrong, it is hard to believe. How can someone so nice do something so awful? When we were children, there were men in our apartment complex that we referred to as “Flashers”. I am not sure that is the official name, but on two different occasions, when I was around 7 years old, a male exposed himself to me, outside, briefly, just walking by, and once, a guy drove up in a car and exposed himself to me and my older sister.
What I recall mostly in those moments was confusion followed by fear. While I didn’t truly understand the wrongness of the situation, I did know that something was very wrong about what these men did. We told our parents, of course, and eventually we moved away. But my parents never called the police about these issues. It was the early eighties, and I just don’t think people knew what to do in these situations. I feel like calling the authorities would have been the first thing I would do if something like that happened with my children. And then I’d also be sure to warn them about the dangers of these predators. I feel like it was mostly swept under the rug. A subject that was too taboo to be discussed in detail.
We were often left at home as children. I can remember being home with just my two older sisters when I was 5 and my sisters were 6 and 7. Now that I am an adult, I can’t imagine leaving my children at home at that age without any adult supervision, but it was common in our house. My parents worked long hours, and for the most part, we were self-sufficient.
Fast-forward to 1987. I started working at a horse ranch at the age of 12. The owner was a man in his early fifties, and he often came to the door and greeted me without any clothes on. I thought it was weird, but I assumed that because he was older, it was normal. This is what older people do, I thought. He left Playboy magazines on the front door step one time and at the time, I thought, “He probably thinks he is doing me a favor.” But again, isn’t sharing pornography with a child a crime? I’m not sure, but I do know I told my parents and they didn’t remove me from the situation. I worked at that horse ranch for a year and nothing ever happened with my boss other than me seeing him naked often. Again, I just assumed that this was normal behavior for adults and dismissed it.
At this little part-time job, I was not only making money but also being kept busy, and so I think that my parents saw this as a good thing. Hard work builds character. Maybe that is why they overlooked this man’s behavior. It baffles me now to think that I continued to work there for so long, usually five days a week, sometimes 30 hours a week, making just two dollars an hour. Yikes.
Something else Karin Slaugher’s characters mention in the book, “Groomers often go after kids who have controlling parents.” When parents control their children instead of teaching them to think critically then two things happen, they learn to be obedient without questioniong an adults authority, and they might be easily led astray by someone that offers them an escape from their current situation. Meaning that sometimes they comply easily and sometimes they rebel or act out becuase their parents are so controlling. Another key insight that I think should be taught to parents. If you are always telling your children “what to think” instead of “how to think” you are setting them up for failure.
Growing up, my dad was a real authoritarian. He spanked first and asked questions later. He would ask a question and then punctuate it by saying, “RIGHT OR WRONG?” There was only black or white with him, and if you didn’t answer correctly, then you had to further endure a lecture until you gave in and just said what he wanted you to hear. This type of tutelage made me a very compliant young adult who feared every male authority figure in my life. Every male boss I had, I just submitted to and any type of conflict I had with them, I would have to fight back tears. I didn’t realize that I was reliving childhood trauma.
This year I’ll turn 50 and I have had a lifetime to unwind my childhood. I’ve had to learn how to engage in healthy conflict with adult males. I have had to deconstruct my faith and to think critically for myself. I’d like to figure out a way to educate people to spot the signs of a groomer, but I don’t want people to start making assumptions about someone just because they are being nice. I plan to turn this blog post into a video and share this story so that other parents can be aware of the fact that their children may be in situations that they don’t understand and they may be controlling their children so much that they are not doing them any favors.
