This Becoming A Non-smoker Does Suck, Really, Lots

Whew, I started my relationship with RJR Camel non-filter - better known as straights - in 1971, awhile ago, somewhere over thirteen thousand packs ago or two hundred sixty thousand cigarettes ago. Yep, little paper tubes filled with the finest blend of domestic and Turkish tobaccos, so expensive that you were not to look for coupons or other incentives. Right up until that day a few weeks ago when I quit liking the taste I went along with that. I went along with the addiction and the expense because I enjoyed it, now I don't.

Oh boy, what I'm left with is my addiction. If you noted the numbers I gave you I think you can see that I am addicted at a very deep level, maybe cellular. I tossed coffee, a risky bet on whether I'd still have a marriage and friends, and the nicotine has been slashed. The first day of quitting involved 3 cigarettes and I held that until the day after Nick died which I think involved half a dozen and the last three days I've managed a couple puffs off my wife's cigarette, but today it's riding me hard. I tried a patch (wife's left over) the first day and decided that was stupid, my problem is nicotine not playing with my mouth.

My mouth is wrong, it is constantly searching for a sensation, my throat is tight, and my head is somehow twitchy and clogged. I'm not sure how much role caffeine is playing, but I'm skirting around the edges of non-functional. I do have another issue right now, that is somewhat less painful than a couple days ago, it is lurking around ready to jump out and bite me - resulting in tears. All this adds up to ... challenging. Well, I'm up for it - I do keep telling myself that, over and over and...

Damn, if you haven't started smoking or fairly recently did please think about this. You really don't want to be 38 years into this habit/addiction and trying to get off it. There is always an excuse, I used still liking it for a long time. It is true that I did still like it but I also was aware that I was deepening my addiction cigarette by cigarette. I'm not going to talk about how bad it is for you, you know it is at least hard on your lungs. Nope, I'll approach this from the addiction aspect, this isn't like a drink or two on odd occasions, there is scarcely such a smoker, the rest are addicts. I don't care for that label, but it sure is true, and it sure does suck when you decide to break it.

At 21 years clean and sober there are a couple differences going on with quitting cigarette versus alcohol and drugs. You see there are some things that happen with alcohol and drugs that are pretty immediate consequences, things like DUIIs, hangovers, broken stuff, police problems, visits to judges, unhappy employers (or EX), unhappy associates and with cigarettes it is pretty much potential problems well downstream. Pretty easy to minimize and rationalize at that, as though there wasn't that issue with A&D. That said, I have no intention of losing this one, but I do reserve the right to whine once in awhile.