Deeply Disturbing

I can't begin to pretend I know what is going through someone's mind when they commit suicide. How can anything be so bad that is a person's only solution? Like I said, I don't know the answer to that. I was driving my daughter to school this morning and saw the aftermath of a suicide. A man was hanging from a tree branch right by the playground of an elementary school a couple miles down the road. What a tragedy. My heart goes out to him when I try and think about what he must have been dealing with to be do despondent. And his poor family, what they must be going through at this moment. Thank God my daughter didn't see it. Now if only I could get the image out of my mind...

It Feels Good To Be Right

I had my follow-up appointment with my neurologist a couple weeks ago and it was proven, yet again, that my doctor is useless. Man I'm tired of being right!

I brought in a copy of the sleep study I had done a year ago to show him that the diagnosis of obstructive sleep apnea could not possibly be right. As I posted before, the study said I had 10 apnea episodes, all Central, not obstructive, yet the diagnosis was obstructive. Go figure that one out. Anyway, I showed him the glaring error and he was basically speechless. He looked and looked to see if there was a way I could be wrong (yeah right) and it turns out I was right all along.

The doctor said he would contact the sleep study doctor and make him aware of this error and let me know what the next step is. Well, it's been 2 weeks and I haven't heard one little thing from him. Nothing as to why this glaring error was made in the first place, and by two doctors, no less, and nothing about what I'm supposed to do next. Do they not even care if I stop breathing during the night and don't wake up? Apparently not. Maybe some day I'll find a doctor I can trust but let's just say past experience leaves me doubtful. It looks like I'm on my own.

She's Gonna Blow!

Okay. I need to get it together before steam starts coming out of my ears and I completely lose it. I know I know, it's been a month since my last post but I've been so stressed out lately I haven't had the energy to write, although I think it would probably have been therapeutic. I'll post more on the stress-factor another time.

I hate it when I feel like an idiot. I'm not saying that this person called me an idiot but I know they were thinking it. Let me start it out this way... If I have some particular talent that say... my spouse doesn't have, I try not to talk down to that person and make them feel like a moron because their brain doesn't work the same way as mine does. I'm talking about the moron being me and it's clearly obvious that I am since I can't understand 7th grade math. My husband, on the other hand, is a mathematical genius. You see where this is going, don't you? For the life of him he can't seem to understand that there are people out there that just don't DO numbers. I think I have a disability with numbers as I really can't see them in my head and my brain literally freezes when I try and do math. It's always been this way for me and that's just the way I am. I am however, gifted in other ways. I can speed read and am the only one I know of that can. It takes my husband months to read a book I can get done in a day. I can glance at the page and get the gist of it. I can read every so-many words or even scan the page and get it all. I don't know how I do this but I just do. My husband (an incredibly slow reader) isn't a moron because he can't do this, is he? Of course not. Unfortunately, my daughter has inherited my ability (or lack there-of) in math. Let me just put it this way... the hubs is exasperated with the two of us mathematical idiots. And it shows.

I hate feeling like an idiot. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm looking for some kind words like..."Don't worry about it honey. There are people who just can't do math and it doesn't mean you guys aren't smart". Wouldn't that be nice to hear? Instead of "It's simple. All it is is simple rules." Well it's not simple to us. I keep telling my daughter that we are smarter in other ways and those ways are just as important. Hopefully that will sink in and she won't let this mathematical disability get her down.

Skating Pictures

Caught her in mid-air this time doing her double salchow jump. Dressed as Annie!
My daughter practicing her double salchow jump.

Back From San Diego!

                                              My daughter doing her best Baywatch impression.
                                             A peacock at the San Diego Zoo.
                                             The U.S.S. Stennis Aircraft Carrier returning to port.

For those of you who thought I may have dropped off the face of the Earth... I was in San Diego. Just a short family vacation but SO great to get out of Arizona!  We came home to 115 degree temps which were extremely hard to take given the 70 degree days in California.

We stayed at a hotel on the bay with  a view of the harbor. We lucked out because we usually get really bad views.  On our first day we went on a harbor cruise and got a real treat. The U.S.S. Stennis aircraft carrier was coming back to port from overseas and we got to sail right next to it. It was something to see, with all the sailors lined up around the ship, the helicopters hovering all around it, the F-16 fighters and everything. Very cool!

The next day was spent at the San Diego Zoo. Definitely one of the best zoos I've been to but all the walking really did me in. It was worth it though.

Next we spent the day at the beach. Ocean Beach, to be exact. It's a real trendy part of town with lots of little shops and a great beach.  we also drove to La Jolla to visit the aquarium. It was okay but kind of small. I probably wouldn't do that again but it was fun for the kids. No Sea World this time since we did that a few years ago.

All in all it was a nice vacation but it really did a number on me and I was recovering for about 5 days. I am just now getting my energy back and I've been home since Thursday of last week.  Now, if we could only get some reasonable temperatures here at home maybe I wouldn't miss San Diego so much.

Okay. Now I'm Really Ticked!

What is it about doctors? Why is it they can't be trusted? And where do you turn when you find out that any and all doctors you've seen are all wrong and it's plain as the incorrect information written on the papers? I'm at the proverbial brick wall with nowhere else to turn. And I'm not happy about it. I'm tired of having to second guess doctors and find all the mistakes their making.

This anger is from the sleep study I had last June. I just this past week got my copy of it and proceeded to read it and see the glaring errors made two doctors. Where did these guys get their degrees anyway?  Okay... I had my sleep study and was diagnosed with obstructive sleep apnea.  I thought it was weird because I don't snore... at all.  And when I went to the doctor to get the sleep study I told him I felt like my brain wasn't sending my lungs the signal to breathe. 

I was reading through my sleep study report and there it was... plain as the nose on my face... that I had a total of 10 apneas. All Central Apneas. No obstructive apneas. Then why was I not diagnosed with central sleep apnea??? Because it is rare and they assumed I did not have it. The doctor couldn't even get the sleep study findings correct. I think he never even bothered to look at it. 10 central apneas. No obstructive. And I was not diagnosed with Central sleep apnea. Figure that one out!!! The description of Central sleep apnea is the brain not sending the body the signal to breathe. And it is found in people with neurological diseases. Why can't anyone listen to me??? I'm at the end of my rope. I have basically no support at home and now can't even get the doctor to listen to me. I can't wait to go back to him and point out all his mistakes and then tell him I'll be looking for yet another neurologist. 

Physical Contact

It's been a few posts since I've written about all the things that go bump in the night around my house. I actually went back to the last time I posted on this subject so I could see where I left off. I was about to get into physical contact.

A few years ago, when my daughter was about 6 or 7 years old, contact was made between myself and whatever entity is living here. It was early evening and I had developed a migraine so I went to lay down until it passed. I was laying with my eyes closed facing the middle of the bed. The room was quiet and dark, just what I needed for my headache. I heard some feet walking across the carpet and felt my daughter's little hand stroking my hair. I kept my eyes closed because I didn't want her to think she had awakened me. I was laying there enjoying the fact that I had such a sweet little girl. She was always looking out for her mommy. Then the horror hit me. My daughter wasn't home! She was spending the weekend at her dad's. I turned around in a flash and... there wasn't anybody there.  

Make of it what you will, but I know what I felt and I know I was fully awake. This wasn't the last time something like this would happen either...