There's One, Only!

Ooh. Not good.

Just spent 2 minutes, 16 seconds laughing maniacally to a recording of "Hall of the Mountain King" from Peer Gynt Suite No. 1 Op. 46 (1876).

I like classical music.

It makes me happy... so very happy.

(I think I may need to add a pbpbpbty category soon...)

Pbpbpbpbty!

(Sanity Update)

I found the 3 of diamonds this morning!

Of course, since I lost two of the spades that I had already found, that means that I'm... (counts fingers) umm... (takes off shoes and socks) er... a lot of cards away from playing with that full deck everyone tells me about.

Oh well. If ignorance is bliss, insanity must be some other word starting with a "b". But I haven't broken the code yet..

(Let's see, if "i" is "b", then the "gn" is "l", and the "ora" is "i", and the "ance" is "ss". Then that means... nope it still doesn't work.)

Zen thought for the Day

When in doubt, always save your game.

Wow.

I just had a teen-age girl come into the store to buy a Sunday paper. The one with all of the adds. Well, she dropped it all over the floor, right in front of a couple of other customers.

I've never seen someone blush so much! Her face, from just abover her eyebrows to a line even with her mouth turned the reddest I have ever seen. We're talking 3rd degree sunburn red here! It was so bad that her upper lip swelled up from all of the extra blood.

It was like someone had slapped a mask on her in the couple of seconds it took for the blush to set in. Now I can see how someone can die of embarrasment. If her bloodpressure was too high, her head would have exploded.

Wow... just wow.

Engineering answers to Zen Questions!

If a tree falls in the forest, and there is no one to hear it, does it make a sound?

Answer: Of course.

In order for there to be a tree and a forest in the first place, there has to be an atmosphere of some sort. At least with a significant percentage of Carbon Dioxide, Nitrogen and Oxygen; the first two being necessary for the tree’s growth, and the second as a natural byproduct.

And any object moving through an atmosphere, (or any gas for that matter) will cause turbulence in said atmosphere. This turbulence is, or will cause pressure waves in the atmosphere. And since sound is nothing more than pressure waves, the tree therefore made a sound.

Simple.

Next time: A study into the sound of one hand clapping. (It’s kind of a soft whhhiisssshh sound. And I’ll tell you why.)

How my mind works... sometimes

(Or how the last MISSION: IMPLAUSIBLE! came to be.)

Usually when I write up a long post/humorous story, I sort of sketch the story out in my mind just a little ahead of my actual typing. That can give a nice stream of concious sort of story.

Sometimes however, if I haven't waited too close to the deadline to start, I actually type out or verbally sketch what I want to do with the story. This is what I did for the Filthy Lie: Evil Glenn's Contract post.

Just for kicks, I copied and pasted this outline into the extended entry below. Enjoy!

Evil Glenn Contract Outline

Not what the government contracted evil glenn to do. What the government contracted from evil glenn.

Meglomania?

Penguin Lust?

Financial Irresponsibility?

An aversion to light?

The desire to wear opera capes?

The Robot? Check!

Mission Implausible? why not.

Exploding message… How? Out of retirement… exploding cell phone? E-mail? Fortune cookie…again? Radio program interruption?

Winsconsin accent? Don-cha-know. Go packers!

…

Go to Washington and break into the national archive computers. Avoid all of the strangely moving government employees. Find nothing in computer records about contract. Only mention of Evil Glenn a congressional hearing about “The Glenn Reynolds Issue”

Sneak past homeland security?

Get into Capitol Building and watch hearing before the joint session (look up) Watch as congressmen and senators stand up and jerkily testify.

Realize that they are doing THE ROBOT! The hearing is not about what they have contracted Evil Glenn to do, but what they have contracted FROM Evil Glenn.

Flee in horror!

Zen thought for the day...

Don't eat the yellow snow.

Filthy Lie: Evil Glenn's Government Contract

I was sitting at work, watching some customers try to figure out how the front doors operate (PUSH or PULL for those in Rio Linda) when static suddenly interrupted the radio station I was listening to.

The static faded away, and a voice with a familiar Wisconsin accent started speaking. And with his first words, I knew I was being dragged back in…

“Good evening, Agent GEBIV. We need your help, don’t-cha-know. Our intelligence has shown that the government is asking Evil Glenn to do something for them. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to find out what the government has contracted Evil Glenn to do.

“As usual, you will be receiving no backup. And if you are discovered, we will of course disavow all knowledge of you or your actions.

“Go Packers!

“This message will destruct in 5… 4…”

I dove to the other side of the counter right before the radio vaporized itself.

*BOOM*

Oh man. That was MY radio, not the store’s… and I didn’t get the extended warranty either. What a lousy thing to do just ‘cause I couldn’t make it to the family re-union.

Fortunately, my shift was just ending. So when my relief showed up, I quickly went out the door without saying anything about the smoking crater that had been my radio. For I knew that it was once again time for another…

MISSION IMPLAUSIBLE:
(Cue theme music)

Since my breaking and entering skills were much better than my hacking skills, (and my blogless brother was busy moving into a new house) I decided to go right to Washington, D.C., rather than attempt to break into their computer systems from my home.

So I filled the Jeep with premium and headed down the interstate!

About half an hour later I was back home. (Forgot my tools) So, after looking over the checklist this time, I was off again!

Some time later, (I can’t believe I forgot to put a watch on the checklist) I was walking up to the White House. I talked to one of the security guards for a few minutes, and he was nice enough to direct me to the National Archives; where I was sure to find the records of Evil Glenn’s contract.

After spending an entire morning going through the records, I was unable to find any information about any contracts with Evil Glenn. There were all sorts of receipts for bribes and blackmail payments, but nothing about Evil Glenn doing something for the government. Everything that I could find was about Evil Glenn doing things to members of the government. And believe me, you don’t want to know… *shudder*

In fact, the only reference to Evil Glenn that I found that was less than a month old, was something mentioning a Congressional Hearing about “The Reynolds Originating Body Overwhelming Tic”.

I looked up at the ancient clock on the wall. Let’s see, the little hand is on the III and the big hand is on the IX and the skinny hand is spinning around and around and… ooh, dizy. *thud*

Eventually, I was able to figure out that the Congressional Hearing was starting in about an hour. (Give or take 15 minutes) So I ran over to the Capitol Building…

(A word of advice. Don’t run near any government buildings in Washington. Apparently, that looks really suspicious to the security people there…)

Once the beatings were done, they decided to let me go. Luckily for me, they’d had a busy day, and were too tired to hit me for much more than twenty minutes. So, now limping, I went the rest of the way to the Capitol.

I wasn’t too late. The Hearing was just starting. I found a seat in the gallery and settled in to watch and listen.

The first thing that I noticed was that all of the Congressional Aids were walking in a jerking motion. They appeared to have some problems with their joints.

Then the Speaker stood up and staggered to the podium. He was moving with the same spasmodic movements as the Aids. But instead of speaking, he placed a boom box on the dais, inserted a CD and pressed play!

Instantly the entire assembly erupted out of their seats! They started dancing around. But it was no ordinary dance! No. They were dancing THE ROBOT!

I fled in horror as it dawned on me what had happened. The government hadn’t contracted Evil Glenn to do something for them. They had contracted something from him!

THE ROBOT IS CONTAGIOUS!! BEWARE!!

Carnival!

The Carnival of the Recipes is up over at Rocket Jones!

My entry is down in the main course section.

Enjoy all the recipes. And try not to drool too much on your keyoard!

A little question for my readers...

While brushing my teeth this evening, I just notice my first grey hair... in one of my eyebrows. I now have grey (Actually, it's more of a silver color. But that sounds so pretentious) on the top of my head, in my mustache and beard (goatee) and now my eyebrows.

I’m thirty-one, and I sort-of look like Zed, from Day by Day©. Only a bit shorter, and a bit rounder. (I’m slowly working on the rounder part, but alas, I’m stuck with the shorter part.) But same general head/hair style and outlook on life. (Yet not quite as technologically inept…)

So, the question for everyone is:

How long before I get ear hair? How old were you when you found your first grey hair?

(And for the TMI files, I also have a few grey nose-hairs. :-D)

(And I don’t know why I spell gray “grey”. It just looks better that way to me. Besides, it’s the correct spelling in England.)

Sanity Update...

Apparently I had something wrong.

There are actually 52 cards in a full deck.

As I don't quite have all of the one suit yet (spades), and none of the other suits, I'm afraid that I am a lot further from playing with a full deck than I thought.

But with good fortune and hard work, I plan on playing with at least half a deck by the end of spring August this year 2010.

That is all!

(Anyone know how to type out the pbpbpbty sound you make when you wiggle your finger up and down across your lips? Or does "pbpbpbty" work? Thanks! ;-P)

Congressman Foot-in-mouth

Maurice Hinchey (D, NY), the Congressman who recently made the charge that Karl Rove planted the forged documents at CBS, was on Sean Hannity’s radio program this afternoon. While I didn’t get to listen to the whole show (I was only able to catch bits between customers), it doesn’t appear that Mr. Hinchey has improved his position much.

I’m not sure if Mr. Hinchey agreed to be on Hannity’s show to apologize for his accusation, or to defend it, but he didn’t really seem to do much of either. He repeatedly refused to answer Hannity’s questions about having any proof, or questions about the appropriateness of the statement in the first place.

Then later in the segment, Hannity mentioned several times that Mr. Hinchey had threatened his career during one of the commercial breaks. When asked if he would apologize for this statement, he refused. He also frequently denied making a threat, but would not clarify what he meant when Hannity asked him to explain his statements.

Did anyone else hear this? I don’t know what the rules pertaining to recording studio conversations during a commercial break are, but if the threat of intending to ruin Hannity’s career are true, where does that fall in with infringing on Hannity’s freedom of speech? We are talking about a congressman who threatened a radio broadcaster.

This might also get mentioned on Hannity and Colmes tonight, but at work, I don’t get FOX News. So if they talk about it, someone please let me know.

I’m just glad that he’s not my congressman. It’s bad enough he’s from my state. But at least he’s from the other end…

Mmmmmmmmmmm.......

What follows is not necessarily a recipe. It’s more like a concept for a meal. However, IT IS MY FAVORITE MEAL!

Again, this is not a proper recipe. This is sort of what a bachelor would consider a recipe. At least one not afraid of experimenting a little bit… and not afraid of eating a couple of burnt meals…

French Onion Chicken

Ingredients:
Noodles (spaghetti noodles will do just fine if you don’t have kluski)
Two breaded chicken fillets
French Onion soup (canned stock preferably, but frozen works too)
Grated Mozzarella Cheese (lots of cheese… drool)

First, cook up one serving of noodles. One full serving should do. If you have kluski (sort of thick Polish spaghetti), that seems to work best. But if not, regular spaghetti is just fine.

While the noodles are cooking, cook two breaded chicken breast fillets. I prefer pre-cooked, pre-breaded chicken, but that’s because I’m lazy.

At the same time prepare the French Onion Soup. I have no idea how to make this. I just use canned or frozen soup. (The frozen is best for the one bowl method I’ll talk about later.)

Once all of the food has been cooked, take a large, deep plate/small platter and place the noodles on it.

Then place the two cooked chicken fillets on the noodles. (Up to this point it’s a lot like Chicken Parmesan. So if you have a good recipe for that dish, you can use it up to this step.)

Next, smother the whole dish with French Onion Soup stock.

Then cover the whole thing with the mozzarella cheese.

Place in the oven and bake until the cheese starts to turn a golden brown. (I usually set the oven at 400deg, but I don’t know if that’s the best temp. All you are really trying to do is melt the cheese.)

Take out of the oven and eat. Be careful! The plate will be hot!

This second recipe is the way I make French Onion Chicken at work. This only works with the pre-made, frozen French Onion Soup. It comes frozen as a cup shape, with the bread and cheese all ready on it/in it. I can’t remember what the brand of the soup is, and I threw the empty box out yesterday so I can't just go look, but you get four frozen cylinders of soup in a box for about $6.50 at Sam’s Club. They are the perfect size for a large coffee mug.

French Onion Chicken One dish method (Without noodles)

Ingredients:
One frozen, pre-made French Onion Soup
Two chicken patties, breaded (I prefer Tyson’s®)
One stick of string cheese (Polly-O® is good. I usually have Frigo® String Cheese)

First, get out a large cereal bowl. (Must be microwave safe!)

Unwrap frozen French Onion Soup and place in center of bowl. Stand the two chicken patties on end on opposite sides of the soup. Place in microwave on top of a napkin. (Sometimes the soup can seep up the chicken patty and over the edge of the bowl. Just a little, but it gets messy to clean.)

Microwave for 8 minutes

Use a fork to stir the still frozen section of the soup into the rest of the dish, and push the chicken patties the rest of the way under the soup. Tear the string cheese into strips and lay on top of everything.

Microwave for another minute and thirty seconds.

Careful taking it out of the microwave. The bowl will be very hot. (I keep repeating the message because I’ve burnt myself several times, and I thought I should prevent that sort of thing for others. Plus, this way I can’t be sued like McDonalds.)

It's something...

Well, my hitmeter hasn't gone up too appreciably, but I'm having to de-spam three or four times a week.

I guess that shows some progress...

Sanity Update…

For those of you wondering about my mental state, let me check…

*eyelids close, and REM commences*

Well, I seem to be about half a quart low on caffeine. But otherwise pretty good.

I even found the nine of spades this morning! Just three more cards to go, and I’ll be playing with a full deck again.

(Still can’t find all of those marbles though…)

Has anyone found any marbles?

I think that I may have lost mine. I keep looking everywhere, but I just can’t find them. I was pretty sure I knew where they were, but when I checked, they weren’t there. I could have sworn they were sitting over there on the counter…

If anyone has any information on their whereabouts, please let me know. I can’t promise a reward; they weren’t very valuable in the first place. And they really weren’t very good when I had them. But I miss the nice little bag that I kept them in…

On the plus side, I do have a pretty good voice. So the Sinking Sanity Song is getting pretty good.

My Sinking Sanity Song
(Sung to It’s Now Or Never (Elvis style) at the top of my lungs when there are no customers in the store.)

Oh So La Mio,
I wonder why?
I go so crazy,
Most every night.

It’s be-ca-use,
My sanity’s gone.
Every night,
From dusk ‘til dawn.

Happy President's Day

I know that it is officially the celebration of Washington’s Birthday, but since they don’t let us celebrate Lincoln’s or Reagan’s birthdays as national holidays, I’ll lump them all together.

That’s right. I feel that President’s Day should be specifically expanded to include Ronald Reagan as well. Is it just a coincidence that three of the greatest Presidents were all born in February?

I don’t think so.

Let’s see, a quick check to see when “W” was born…

Oh well, his birthday is July 6th. So I guess we can't combine it with the others. (Gee, I wonder what holiday we could combine that with…)

At least Clinton’s August birthday is too far away from any real holidays. Except maybe Labor Day. Which might be appropriate if you think about it. All he seemed to do for his presidency was lie around (or is that lay around) and goof off.

You know you’re a NASCAR fan if…

In celebration of the “Great American Race” I decided to make my own list of how to tell if you are a NASCAR fan. Some of these I’ve heard around, a few I came up with while watching the Daytona 500.

You know you’re a NASCAR fan if…

…you’ve ever drafted someone on the thruway.

…you have a giant “3” painted on your roof. And it has a halo above it.

…you refer to getting gas as a “splash and go.”

…you enter your car through the driver’s side window. Even though there is nothing wrong with the door.

…when you see a slow driver in the left lane, you want to get under their bumper, get them loose and put them into the wall.

…you have a spoiler on your truck.

…you refer to the wife and kids as your “pit crew.”

…you only make left turns.

…you have more decals on your car than paint.

…you always wear a helmet. Even in the shower.

…you take your steering wheel with you where ever you go.

…you’ve ever red-lined an engine trying to beat your best time to work.

…you knew the answer to my trivia question below.

Anyone have any more?

Trivia Question!

Who won the first Daytona 500? And when was the first race held?

What are you looking here for? If I knew the answer, would I be asking you?

Oh, all right. I looked it up for you. (Lazy bunch of freeloading...)

It was Lee Petty in 1959. And he was driving an Oldsmobile. What do you think of that!?

I'm Bored.

Bored. Bored. Bored.

But too tired to go out and do anything.

I was thinking of making a FAQ for here, but no one has ever really asked me anything.

Anyone out there have any questions for me?

If not, I’ll have to do a MU-FAQ. (That’s Made Up Frequently Asked Questions)

And I don’t think you want to see that.

Filthy Lie: Evil Glenn's Protests

Ah, the groundhog has seen its shadow. Millions of dollars have been spent on candy and roses. Thousands who didn’t spend enough have slept on the couch for the week… And now a new holiday is coming. A day when we celebrate all that is good in the U.S.A.

A day of many sales.

A day when many (mostly government employees, really) get the day off, and most go shopping.

But don’t worry. I’ll still be at work.

And on this day when countless people are celebrating the men who helped forge this great nation, there is one other pastime that people practice.

The time honored protest.

Now we know what the left is going to be protesting, namely everything under the sun having to do with Republicans, the President, religion, and the blogsphere. (Hey, pretty good company we’re keeping there…)

But the real question is; What will Evil Glenn be protesting this President’s Day?

I feel that he will be protesting two major issues. First, the President’s signing into law the new Tort Reform bill. Sources inform me that when Evil Glenn witnessed the signing ceremony, he was heard to remark, “Where is all the fun of being a lawyer going to come from now.”

These sources also have said that Evil Glenn’s protest on this matter will be held early on Monday morning, and should be in the form of Evil Glenn marching on the Capitol Building pushing a large shopping cart full of money under a banner reading “Protect Our Shopping Rights!”

After that protest is finished, he plans on flying back down to Daytona, where he has plans to protest the NASCAR Racing Commission. This is over a dispute that has kept him out of the famous race for the last 5 years.

The head of NASCAR was asked about the dispute and replied, “Look, I don’t care how fast that Glenn guy is. We’re not letting him race at Daytona without a car.”

(And yes, I know that I stole the concept of the intro to this story from Harvey. So sue me.)

(I also got the idea for racing the Daytona 500 without a car from "Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey". Watch the credit's at the end, and you'll get it.)

And this didn't help.

Yeah, totally cancelling the hockey season for the year hasn't helped my mood, either.

Which reminds me, what has 20 teeth and skates?

An NHL team.

And there was that t-shirt my brother liked to wear back in college with this saying on the back:

Be a blood donor!
Play Hockey!

Bleh.

I’m feeling a bit off today. And not in a good way.

So if I can’t feel good, or sane. I don’t see why anyone else should. So here are a few truly awful, yet thought provoking jokes. On second thought they’re just awful. But you do have to have some rudimentary science and math skills to understand them.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. The first one says to the other, “I lost my electron today.”

“Are you sure?” the second atom asks.

“Yes. I’m positive.”

Two more hydrogen atoms meet. “I’ve had to carry around this extra electron all day,” complained the first one.

“Don’t be so negative.” Said the second.

And now for a slightly longer, yet just as bad, joke.

There was an Indian Chief who had three wives. All three were pregnant at the same time, and the whole tribe waited to see what would be born.

Finally, the first wife had her child. The chief announced to the tribe that she had given birth to a son, and showed his pleasure by building her a tepee made from the finest buffalo skin.

A few days later, the second wife gave birth to her child. The chief announced that this wife too had given birth to a son. And he showed his pleasure by building her a tepee made from the finest elk hide.

At last, the third wife went into labor. When she had given birth, the chief immediately build her a tepee made from the finest imported hippopotamus skin. Then he gathered the whole tribe together. They asked him what the third wife had given birth to. He wouldn’t tell them, but challenged them to guess.

No one in the tribe had the faintest idea what to say, until one scrawny Indian brave, named Dances With Calculators, stood up. “Your third wife gave birth to twin boys!” he said.

“How did you know that?” asked the chief.

“Simple,” replied the brave. “Everyone knows that the sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus equal the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.”

Sorry to use trigonometry on everybody. But I warned you that I wasn’t in a very good mood.

PGHA: Cheer up a Marine

Oops.

I just checked the Alliance HQ assignments for the week, and realized that I forgot to post this earlier. The official deadline for the assignment was this evening, but the suggestion was made that the earlier the better.

I apologize for the delay.

Anyways, the assignment was for everyone to post a joke or two about the military to help cheer up a Marine. I think I’ve posted this one before, but it may have been on my old blogspot site.

So here goes.

A story with a moral

One day a third grade teacher asked her students to each tell a story about their families with a moral.

The first student was little Jimmy. “Yesterday, my sister was coming back from the chicken coop with all of the eggs for the day, and she tripped and broke all the eggs.” He said.

“Very good,” said the teacher. “And what was the moral to that story?”

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!” answered the boy.

The next story was from Billy. “Last week, my little brother knocked over his milk at breakfast, and started crying so loud that he got a spanking.”

“And the moral is?” said the teacher.

“Don’t cry over spilt milk.”

Next up was sweet little Tammy. “My Uncle John is a Marine.” She started. “And last year he was flying a helicopter when it was hit by enemy fire. He knew that the helicopter was going to crash, so he checked to see what supplies he had. All he had was his rifle, a knife and a bottle of whisky.

“He drank the whole bottle of whisky on the way down, so that the crash wouldn’t spill any of it. Then when he climbed out of the wreck, he found he was surrounded by a hundred terrorists!

“He killed half of them with his rifle, until he ran out of ammo. Then he used his knife and killed another 30 of them until his knife broke. Then he strangled the last 20 with his bare hands!”

“Good Lord!” exclaimed the shocked teacher. “And what could the moral to that story be?”

“Don’t mess with Uncle John when he’s been drinking!”

An Air Force General, an Army General, a Marine General and a Navy Admiral were all arguing about which service had the bravest men. The argument got so heated that the Air Force General called over one of his men.

“Airman!” he said. “Climb to the top of that radar tower and jump off!”

The airman saluted, said whatever it is airmen say (up, up and away, or something…) and climbed to the top of the tower and jumped off. Splat!

The Air Force General smiled and said, “That’s how brave my boys are.”

Not to be outdone, the Army General called over one of his men. “Soldier, climb to the top of that tower and make me proud.”

The soldier climbed to the top of the tower, un-slung his rifle and jumped off, firing all the way to the round. Splat!

The Army General just smiled at the other officers.

The Marine General snorted and called over one of his Marines. “Marine!” he barked. “Climb to the top of that tower and show them what real men are made of!”

The Marine climbed to the top of the tower, pulled out a hand grenade, pulled the pin and stuffed it in his mouth. Then he pulled out two 45’s and jumped, firing into the air as he fell. And exploded half way to the ground. Boom!

The Marine General smiled and said, “Let’s see any of your pansies top that.”

The Admiral pulled out a cigar, and while rolling it between his fingers, called over a Sailor.
“Sailor.” he said, “Climb to the top of that tower and jump off.”

The Sailor looked at the tower, and then back at the Admiral. “Screw you, sir.” He said.

The Admiral turned to the generals as he lit up his cigar. “That, gentlemen,” he said as he puffed the cigar, “takes real guts!”

Stolen golf jokes

Here are a few golf jokes that I found in an extremely good article in the March 2005 edition of Golf Digest. Since I remember reading at least three quarters of them somewhere else before, I have no qualms about shamelessly stealing them. Not to mention, the author admits to stealing more than a few of them himself…

“Bad day at the course,” a guy tells his wife. “Charlie had a heart attack on the third hole.”

“That’s terrible!” she says.

“You’re telling me. All day long, it was hit the ball, drag Charlie.”

A guy’s wife asks him, “If I were to die, would you get married again and share our bed with your new wife?”

And he says, “I guess I might.”

“What about my car?” she asks, “Would you give that to her?”

And he says, “Perhapse.”

“Would you give my golf clubs to her, too?” his wife asks.

“No.”

“Why not?” asks the wife.

“She’s left handed.”

This one is from Lee Trevino.

There’s an amazing golf ball that comes equipped with beeps and lights so that it simply can’t be lost.

“That’s fantastic!” another golfer says. “Where’d you get that ball?”

“Oh, I found it.”

My favorite quote of the whole article is from Bob Hope.

“My opponent said that he’d give me a stroke on 14 if I’d give him a free throw. That sounded pretty good until we got to the green, and he picked up my ball and threw it into the pond.”

God, I wish that I could have played just one round with him. I could have died happy on the 18th green. Although I probably would have passed out from laughing on the 7th.

And this last joke, while not by Bob Hope, had me laughing so hard that I was seeing spots.

A guy walks up to some slow golfers and hands them a card that says, “I am a deaf-mute. Can I play through?”

“Bug off,” they tell him. “You can wait just the same as anybody else.”

On the next hole, a ball flies at the group and hits one of the slow golfers hard. Doubled over in pain on the ground, the guy looks back at the tee and sees the deaf guy. He’s got his driver in one hand, and the other hand is holding up four fingers.

This last joke wasn’t actually in the magazine. But the article did have a form of the same joke. And since it's one of my all time favorite golf jokes...

A doctor, a minister, a lawyer and an engineer are playing behind an extremely slow group of golfers. It takes them over three hours just to play the front nine.

At the turn, they go into the clubhouse to complain.

“I’m sorry about the slow play,” the club pro says. “But those four golfers are firemen who lost their eyesight while fighting a fire to save the golf course. So now the club lets them play whenever they want for free.”

The four men are chagrinned. The doctor says, “As soon as I get home, I’m going to check all of my medical journals to see if there is some treatment I can do for those poor men.”

The minister says, “I’ll set up a fundraiser to help their families, and put them on our prayer list.”

The lawyer says, “I’ll check the case, and see if there is any legal help I can give them.”

The engineer says, “Can’t they just play at night?”

(that is all)

Happy Valentine's Day...

I’d like to sum up my Valentine’s Day for everybody.

Someone Else's Star (Skip Ewing, Jim Weatherly)

Alone again tonight
Without someone to love
The stars are shining bright
So one more wish goes up
Oh, I wish I may
And I wish with all my might
For the love I'm dreaming of
And missing in my life
You'd think that I could find
A true love of my own
It happens all the time
To people that I know
Their wishes all come true
So I've got to believe
There's still someone out there who
Is meant for only me

Chorus:
I guess I must be wishin'
On someone else's star
It seems like someone else
Keeps gettin' what I'm wishin' for
Why can't I be as lucky as those other people are
I guess I must be wishin'
On someone else's star

I sit here in the dark
And stare up at the sky
But I can't give my heart
One good reason why
Everywhere I look
It's lovers that I see
Seems like everyone's in love
With everyone but me

(Chorus)

Why can't I be as lucky
As those other people are
Oh I guess I must be wishin'
On someone else's star

Professionals

I am a Pro-Crastinator. I gave up my amateur standing a long time ago. Back when I was an amateur crastinator, I would put things off for a few days at a time, eventually getting around to doing them. But I realized that I had reached professional status when I found myself making up things to do, just to not do them. I have even found myself getting some things done early so that I will have more time to put off what needed to be done. I have real dedication to the art.

However, when it comes to complaining, I have to admit that I am strictly a novice. While I can complain all day about things going wrong, I still retain the ability to put things in perspective. For example, while I may complain that the continuous overcast night skies have prevented me from catching a glimpse of Comet Machholz, I don’t complain about the temperature on clear nights. It’s still only February, so when the night sky is cloudless, the mercury is going south. That’s a fact of life. (Or thermodynamics, as the case may be…)

It’s the true grouch who can complain about anything. You know who I’m talking about. That first class, belly-aching, professional, complainer. And even better, they’re usually the people who try to blame you for whatever is bothering them. Just this morning, I had a rather nicely dressed elderly (she would probably scream at the use of the word “elderly”) woman stop into my family’s store for the PennySaver©.

Aside:
A little background on the PennySaver©. The PennySaver© is sort of like a small town paper. Except that there is no news at all, just front-to-back ads and coupons. And a small want-ads section. So actually, it’s more like the advertising section of the regular paper. On the plus side, it’s free.

It has an official delivery time of 6PM Sunday evening, but usually gets dropped off Saturday night. But if the delivery guy has trouble, it’s not unusual to not get it till around noon on Sunday. It also has FREE home delivery to everyone who wants it. All you have to have is one of those little plastic PennySaver© tubes next to your mailbox.
/aside

Well, unfortunately for this lady, the latest edition hadn’t gotten to the store yet. Last weeks issue was still sitting on the rack, and somehow this was all my fault. She complained for what seemed like ten minutes (but was probably only about five) about how I should do more to make sure that the PennySaver© was there on time.

My only thoughts were that she was giving me an awful lot of credit for causing problems with a Free paper that I don’t deliver, don’t get paid to hand out, that could be delivered to her home, and that I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER. And it’s FREE! Did I mention that? The other customer in the store was apparently telepathic; right after the lady walked out the door, he commented, “Or, she could just put a tube up at home and get it delivered.”

Some people just can’t put anything in perspective.

That reminds me of an old joke:

There was a man who had two sons. The older son was an eternal optimist. To his father’s annoyance, he always seemed to find the bright side of everything. The younger son was an incorrigible pessimist. No matter what happened, he always found something to complain about.

One day, the man decided to do something about his son’s. He was going to cure them if it killed him. For the first son, he bought a ton of horse manure, and had it delivered to the son’s bedroom. For the second son, he purchased the finest Rolex watch ever made.

When the two sons got home, he presented the two “gifts.” The first son was overjoyed and dove right into the bedroom full of horse manure. The second son immediately started complaining about the gift.

The father asked him what was wrong with the watch, and the son went on and on about how his insurance would go up, and that now he wasn’t safe going into the city, and how now he had to learn how to use all of the watch’s many functions, and that he was worried that it might get dirty.

The father hung his head in disgust, he hadn’t changed anything with that son. Then he called in to the first son, who was busy digging through the manure. “What do you have to be so happy about? Your room is filled with manure.”

To which the son replied, “With all of this manure, there has to be a pony in here somewhere!”

See, it’s all a matter of perspective.

We interupt your regularlty scheduled blog...

I was driving along the other day, when I heard the latest OnStar(bucks) commercial.

_______________________________________________________

Announcer: Hello coffee drinking public!

We here at OnStar(bucks) are always dedicated to improving the service of coffee to our customers. One of the things this means, is that we are always looking for ways of making the coffee purchase experience easier for you.

Well that doesn’t sound too bad…

Now, what is the most annoying part of buying coffee at our drive-through windows?

The three dollars you charge for a small… I mean tall… coffee!

That’s right! Having to dig through your pockets to find the correct change!

Not even close…

Well, we’ve come up with a plan to help eliminate that problem! With our new OnStar(bucks) E-Z-Pass Coffee System!!!!

Wow. I could actually hear all four exclamation points.

With the E-Z-Pass Coffee System, we use an E-Z-Pass Coffee Sensor attached to the roof of your car to automatically deduct the cost of your coffee purchase directly from a pre-paid account.

I guess that doesn’t sound too bad… but I’d hate to have to pre-pay for my coffee.

Fifteenpercentservicefeeonallaccountsinactiveformorethanfortyeighthours.
Minimumaccountballanceoffiftydollars.OnStar(bucks)notresposibleforanyac
countingmistakesorerrorsmadeatdrivethrough.EZPassCoffeeSensorinstalla
tioncostoffortynineninetyfivebilledattimeofinstallation.OnStar(bucks)reserv
estherighttodiscontinuethisprogramatanytime.OnStar(bucks)isnotresponsib
leforthecancelationofanyvehiclewarrantiesduetotheinstallationoftheEZPass
CoffeeSensor.UponcancellationoftheprogramallEZPassCoffeeSensorsmust
bereturnedtoOnStar(bucks).RemovalcostoffortyninenietyfivefortheEZPass
CoffeeSensorwillbedeductedfromtheremainderoftheEZPassCoffeeSystema
ccount.ApenaltyoffiftydollarsappliestoalllostEZPassCoffeeSensors.

Wow, that’s some pretty nasty small print…

Evil Glenn's Madness is Spreading!!!!

Photographic evidence has shown that Evil Glenn's penchant for blending puppies has spread to the East. They've even started blending in China!

Here we see a large dog being stuffed into an industrial blender for the mass production of puppy shakes. Where will the madness turn up next?

UPDATE: Actually, now that I think about it, canines have long been on the menu in the Orient. But they've never used blenders before!

I made the finalist.... list.

Wow, enough people liked my caption for a picture over at Castle Argghhh! that I made the final cut.

I only have a caption for the first contest (the bulldozer one), but go vote for it! I'm not sure if I can tell you which caption is mine... that might be "private" information...

Anyways, go win me a coffee mug!

Ummm...

Er...

Uh...

Nope.

Never mind.

I thought I had something to say.

But I was wrong.

Just a thought...

You know what, I'm starting to think that it's a good thing that the NHL isn't going to happen this year. 'Cause if Boston/New England get's one more national championship this year.... I might just have to do something... drastic.

So let's all root against the Celtics!!!!!

Although, on second thought, if this is the price we have to pay for someone else from New England (*cough*Kerry*cough*) to loose this last year... it's worth it.

Quote of the day!

From a minor character in the novel "War of the Flowers" by Tad Williams, that I have been reading.

(A paraphrase of the actuall quote...)

"He's so thick that he can't count to eleven without unbuttoning his pants."

Some thoughts on Super Bowl XXXIX

It was a pretty good game, even though the Patriots won. Nice to see another game go to the final minute.

There were some great commercials. The best one that comes to mind was the Ameriquest one with the man making spaghetti who ends up looking like he’s eviscerating the cat. That one got a lot of laughs with the group I was watching the game with.

I have to say that the halftime show was one of the best I’ve seen in a long time. I actually liked the music this year. I haven’t seen any actual numbers, but I wouldn’t be surprised if this years show has the best ratings out of the last 5 to 10 years. Not only is Paul McCartney a great performer, but the song selection was awesome. You have to admit that “Live And Let Die” is a great song for a football game.

The single best comment heard during the whole evening was from one of the younger guys there. When Paul McCartney started singing “Hey Jude”, he made the comment “This is so copy-cat. He stole this from the Beatles!”

I’m a little ashamed to say that I kind of lost it and yelled at him, “HE IS THE BEATLES! Or at least half of the ones still alive!”

GAH! These kids these days!

Anyways, got to watch American Dad now.

Or maybe not...

UPDATE: Someone reminded me what the best commercial during the Super Bowl really was...

THANK YOU

Happy Birthday, Mr. President

Today would have been Ronald Reagan's 94th birthday. He is being remembered across the nation that he helped persevere against communism.

He even got his own stamp.

Hey, we could even merge him in with Washington and Lincoln on President's Day.

I just wish that I was a little older, so that I might have been able to appreciate him when I could still let him know how good a President I think he was...

/ramble

The Extra-Special Theory of Relativity

Einstein, that wonderful genius who was so smart that he was allowed to break the “i before e” rule twice in his own name (and several hairstyle laws), has been accredited with having an Extra-Special Theory of Relativity.

Einstein’s Theory of Special Relativity, is a clarification of Einstein’s original Theory of Relativity. The Theory of Relativity is the one that gives us the earth shattering:

E=m c^2

Where E is energy, m is mass, and c is the speed of light in a vacuum. This is the basis for all nuclear physics. And is the only way we know how much bang we’ll get from a nuclear bomb.

This theory also states that all motion is relative to the observer of a system. Namely, two different observers looking at the same system, can see different amounts of motion.

The Theory of Special Relativity, explains that the speed of light (the “c” in the really cool equation above and approx. 299,798,458m/s) is the absolute upper limit for motion of anything; that no matter what the system or location of the observer, nothing will ever appear to be moving faster than the speed of light. It also states that no matter what the system or location of the observer, light will always travel at the same speed (the afore to mentioned 299,798,458m/s).

Trust me. This is how it works. For a much more complete explanation, check out this site. (Warning: Math Alert!)

Anywho… what I was getting to, was Einstein’s Extra-Special Theory of Relativity. This one is attributed to Einstein’s later years. And runs something like this:

“The more famous you become, the more relatives you appear to have.” – Albert Einstein

This also has the caveat: “The more money you have, the more relatives you appear to have.”

Unfortunately for myself, at the moment I only have a lot of potential relatives…

Schrödinger’s Lottery Ticket

Way back at the beginning of modern quantum physics, the German physicist, Schrödinger came up with an analogy to demonstrate the necessity of observation to collapse a probability wave function. For example, that light is potentially either a wave or a particle, and only becomes one or the other when you test for either of the properties. But until you test for it, it is potentially either one.

The analogy that Schrödinger used was that if you have a cat locked in a box with a poison gas canister that could go off at any time,* (but at a totally unpredictable probability for the time frame involved) so that you couldn’t tell if the cat was alive or dead until you opened the box; then theoretically, the cat would be both alive and dead until you actually opened the box to observe it.** For a more complete explanation, check out this site. (But careful when you open the bag, if you do it wrong, you’ll be responsible for the death of a fictitious cat.)

Anyways, I would like to extend this theory from the useless world of quantum physics, to the more important field of high finance. Namely, to my collection of high-payout Instant Lotto tickets. I have one that has a grand prize of $2,000,000 (two million dollars)! So, by using Schrödinger’s Cat Theory, I am potentially a millionaire. Until I actually scratch off the ticket, there is no way to know if I am rich, or I wasted $10. And since I can buy many of these tickets, I am potentially a multi-millionaire.

So the question I would like to put out there is; are there any potentially beautiful women*** out there that would like to date a potential multi-millionaire?

* If we were talking about Evil Glenn, the cat would be a puppy, the box would be a blender, and the timer would be a large button that Evil Glenn would be pressing constantly. Which is why we don’t use his ideas to explain quantum physics.

** What actually happens is you get a really annoyed cat that claws your face half the time you open the box, and a lawsuit from P.E.T.A the rest of the time.

*** Remember, all women are potentially beautiful until you take them out of the box.

YAY!!!!

Right Wing Duck has some really good news. Go over and give him a pat on the back.

Filthy Lie: Evil Glenn's Garbage

Harvey, over at the Alliance HQ was wondering the other day; just what would one find if one sifted through Evil Glenn’s garbage?

By purest happenstance, I had in my possession a sample of said trash. (The law states that once trash hits the curb, it is public domain… besides, you wouldn’t believe the stuff you can sell on e-bay.) This sample hadn’t yet been put up for auction, so I will share the contents with you.

Evil Glenn Trash Bag Inventory

1 carton eggs, empty
12 ziplock bags containing egg yolks
12 ziplock bags containing egg whites
4 boxes instant cake mix, empty (with the words “separate 3 eggs and fold into batter” highlighted)
- I wonder if he used the shells…
4 Sammy Sosa bobblehead dolls, broken, and covered in eggshell fragments
- I guess he did.

15 cartons Pall Mall cigarettes, unopened yet singed
1 letter, “R” (a 6 inch cardboard cutout, colored blue)
1 legal flier with “If you have smoked Pall Mall cigarettes, please send us a letter so that we may represent you in a class action lawsuit.” Highlighted
1 scrap of paper with “Oops, I think I may have misinterpreted this… have to check with the boys at the law firm.” stapled to the legal flier

1 computer mouse, crushed in a rat-trap
- I guess the Insta-Wife is trying to cut down on his computer time
1 computer keyboard, broken, with what looks like hair and blood imbedded in the keys
- I guess he didn’t take the hint…

That’s all that was in that bag. All of the other ones from that trash pickup were already sorted and put on e-bay. So if you want to see more, you’ll have to bid. :-)

(That is all)

That was a fast couple of days...

So, did the President see his shadow yesterday? I'm just asking because I was too busy to look myself.

From what I understand, if the President sees his shadow, that means 6 more weeks of Liberals sniping at all of his policies. If he doesn't see his shadow, then the Liberals will all resign early...

*SLAP* Bad Subconscious

I was shopping in Sam’s club earlier today, and as I was walking down the book aisle, my eye was caught by a series of “Total Immersion” language programs on CD and CD-ROM.

After looking them over for a few seconds, pondering the uses of learning a second or third language, I decided the only one I was even remotely interested in learning was German. (I had several years of Spanish classes in high school, and about all I remember is how to ask for the bathroom. Still, that’s a pretty important thing to know…)

A little later, the thought crossed my mind that, subconsciously, I might have been thinking about this story in relation to visiting Germany…

*Hat Tip* John, of Castle Argghhh!