Shoes, nice green shoes. I wasn't going to buy these, but egged on by Eden, they just slipped into my basket while I was ordering India a new raincoat.
It did occur to me that they would match very nicely the pram I have been looking at.
Thanks to Rachel, I've now found the pram even cheaper, locally, but I wont be buying yet. Woody and I are just not sure we can cope having it in the house, so not yet.
Life around here is pretty dull right now. I'm basically just waiting, watching the clock tick by, the days roll by, glad when it's bed time and another day has gone, not so glad when I open my eyes and I have another day to get through.
I hate living like this, in limbo, waiting for this baby, and at the same time longing for Florence.
I don't want it to be a full year since she left us, and at the same time I want the next three months over with so I can hold baby boy here in my arms.
This is coping though. My house is pretty clean, the laundry is done, the children are fed each day, and of course loved. I'm clean, make up done, hair blow dried...this is coping, and pretty much anything more is too exhausting to consider.
Yesterday I was not feeling good, I was sad and worried, and then something changed and I had an urge to buy a pram for baby boy...or to at least choose one.
We don't need a pram, I'm a babywearer most of the time, and we have our ancient, very well used Mountain Buggy, but here I am seriously considering buying a pram.
Partly I think I want baby boy to have something that's chosen just for him, something fairly indulgent that I can barely justify (it's expensive), maybe buying him a pram means he'll have to stick around to use it?
Whatever, I do feel quite, dare I say it...excited at the thought!
Of course, I haven't actually clicked on "add to basket"...not yet!
While I was pregnant with Florence I practiced postive visualisations, I listened to hypnobirthing cd's, and I knew how her birth would be...it was exactly as I'd visualised, in almost every detail. I just forgot to visualise a baby that would live.
I do try to be positive now, but after every positive thought, there is the "if he lives" tag line. I hate myself for it, but sometimes I think I just have to acknowledge those thoughts then let those thoughts go, try not to hold on to them.
I can't visualise baby boy's birth, because I don't know how it will be yet. There are questions over c sections, inductions, swabs, iv antibiotics. All I do know is it will be in my local hospital, my mw has promised to be there, my lovely consultant will be there and Florence's pead will be on alert.
Sometimes I catch myself daydreaming about holding baby boy in my arms, carrying him in a sling, but I stop myself fairly abruptly, because what if....
It's funny the things I can do to prepare, and the things I can't. I figure whatever feels right is right.
I can sew and knit for him, but only those first sizes. I can, and have started to pack a bag for the hospital...though not his things, not yet.
I can't order a new car seat, I can't pull out the crib,and the baby bath, the pram and all that stuff. I can't sort through the teetering pile of slings and hang the wraps ready on the door.
There's one maternity dress I wore last year that I can wear, but many more hung forlorn in the wardrobe that I just can't put on.
I just need a break from this grief and this worry. I just wish I could join in the normal pregnant Mama chatter, that I didn't flinch everytime someone glances at my bump, or have to stop myself from cradling my bump in public.
The other day while waiting at the pedestrian crossing I saw someone I vaguely know glancing sideways at my bump. I braced myself, but also reminded myself of this sketch from an old tv show, and had an internal giggle. This either proves I still have a sense of humour or else I've truly lost the plot completely!
Sometimes I catch myself thinking "Oh that would look so cute on Florence", when I see outfits made by other bloggers, or when I'm browsing patterns. It's only a second or two, and then I remember.
There are times when I still can't quite believe what happened.
There are also times when I hear stories of child neglect and abuse, and I wonder why? Why did my much loved baby die?
How has nine months gone by? How am I still here, still functioning?
There are those moments of clarity when I realise forever is forever.x
Two little hats, made using this pattern.
"But he wont wriggle when he's born" Said Sid.
"I expect he will, and you can hold him."
"He might die, and then he wont wriggle"
"We hope he wont die, we hope he'll be fine"
"Florence died. Why did Florence die the day she was born?"
"We don't know sweetheart."
"Dead babies go to the cemetery. If our baby dies he will go to the cemetery with Florence"
I guess, he just doesn't know any different.
Or perhaps not. I don't like this pattern. It's the Cutie Booties pattern from Amy Butler's Little Stitches book.
I think I should've followed my instincts on this one actually, the only pair I've seen made up I didn't like much, and I don't like either pair I've made today.
maybe it's because I chose not to use fusible fleece in them, or because I used snaps instead of Velcro to fasten them, but nope I think it's just that they didn't go together in an instinctive way.
Still, they are not so bad they need to be binned,next time though I'll use the Bitty Booties pattern instead or my own.....
I made this little cardigan from a cardigan of my own that I accidentally spoiled with paint. It's a nice soft, well worn in cashmere mix, so I decided to recycle it for baby boy. I used my smock pattern pieces for the bodice and the sleeves, and bound the neck edge with the left over neck edge from the original cardy. I also made casings at the sleeve edge for elastic, and used a hook and eye for closure.
Only the shoulder and side seams were sewn by machine, everything else was sewn by hand, which I think looks better, and was actually very therapeutic.
This week has been rough emotionally, starting with my birthday, and ending with the sad news of baby Freddie. I've been crying in public again, and the flashbacks are more frequent.
Yesterday it was warm, I risked removing my coat on the school run, but held it protectively over my bump. I was walking with a good friend, but then saw heading towards me a lady I just did not want to talk to. She's a nice person, but just, well, just a little odd, and tactless. My friend also spotted her, and I think our sudden "deep conversation", plus my expert "FO vibes" headed her off...phew!
Today, the sun is shining, I can hear next door's little girl bouncing on her trampoline, and Eden singing...some days there is nothing to do but focus on the good stuff and keep those demons at bay. x
Enough!
My thoughts and love are with Freddie and his beautiful family.
Yes, another outfit for baby boy. This fabric was a birthday present from the lovely Hannah, and was begging to be an outfit for little one. I have scraps left too.
And I have a purple cashmere mix cardy of mine here that has paint on the sleeve, so I'm thinking of upcycling that into a matching cardy and bootees. I'll let you know how that goes.
Last night I was lying in bed watching my tummy, watching baby boy wriggle and kick about, and I wondered, can he taste my sadness in the amniotic fluid? Does he feel the pain in my heart? That pain and memories must be in every cell of my body, and therefore in him?
I guess if he can sense or taste my sadness he can also taste my hope and love for him?
I simply can not reconcile my love and pain for the loss of Florence with my love and hope for baby boy.
Is it possible? I know I will always love all of my children, and Florence is no exception. Baby boy is not a replacement child, he's our child, another child for us to love and care for.
This balancing act of grief, and hope is tortuous.
I'm not sure this even qualifies as a quilt, it's patchwork for sure but it's not quilted exactly.
I ran it up today from the cloud 9 scraps, in an attempt to keep occupied. I'm quite pleased with the results.
I haven't made a quilt since around this time last year. The timelines from last year to this are poignant, but often unavoidable.
Last year's quilt is wrapped around Florence. I hope this years quilt gets worn out with love and snuggles from our baby boy.
We had a picnic at Yorkshire Sculpture Park.
The sun was shining.
The children ran and ate ice cream
I waddled and drank tea
And I cried when Woody asked me if I was having a good birthday.
I like sewing away in my loft, listening to the radio and feeling baby boy kick, even the sun is shining today.
I've used some of my lovely Cloud 9 fabrics to make another little outfit. A smock and some trousers. Think I've enough fabric left for a quilt too.
And a tulip just because.
I bought the pattern for this after falling in love with the ones Kat knitted. ( Be careful, clicking on that link to Kats blog WILL make your ovaries ache! )
A lovely simple pattern with no sewing up, though my technique especially around the armholes needs a bit of work, good job I've got yarn for another ready and waiting.
Look what I got in the post this morning! Thank you Fiona, you made me smile.
We will be meeting our latest little nephew for the first time today.
Meanwhile I've been knitting and finished off another little pair of trousers.
anything to take my mind off bloomin heartburn...off to find the gaviscon.
We are all home now for Easter, lots of DIY planned, and hopefully some gardening in the (hopefully) sunshine.
I ran up this little outfit for baby boy today. I used the Red Letter Day fabrics by Lizzy House.
And Eden made this adorable Mama and Chick today after I spotted the tutorial on Whip Up this morning. She's done a really good job I think.
We went to take Florence fresh flowers today and the cemetery was brim full of beautiful spring flowers, sadly though Florence has a new little neighbour.
Nothing like some lovely pressies to help cheer up the day. This is my beautiful Mothers Day gift that got stuck in customs, so I only received it yesterday. It's so beautiful, I really love it, and the chain is long enough that Florence just sits on my bump right next to her baby brother.
Also arrived today, my birthday pressies! My birthday isn't for another week or so, but since I chose these myself and ordered them myself I didn't think there was much point keeping them wrapped up until then.
I'm so excited about the Cloud 9 fabrics, I love Michelle's work and can't wait to plan what to do with these.
The Red Letter Day fabrics are lovely too, perfect for a little baby boy I think.
Finally the book, that was a bit of a last minute choice. I'm not sure there is really much in it I'd want to make, but I love to just look at the pictures.
Thank you so much for the comments left yesterday, and all the hugs and kind words I received by email. Yesterday was tough, and honestly I'm still a bit wobbly today, but baby boy is kicking away and I'm trying to think he's letting me know "Hey Mummy I'm OK"...silly, but if it gets me through.
