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Filed Under Politics
Storyboarding Bin Laden
Posted September 24, 2007
Al Qada hints at an upcoming Bin Laden video that is mysteriously stalled in pre-production.
The scene is a Hollywood conference room. Director Michael Moore, producer Jane Fonda, and executive producer Rob Reiner wait impatiently and glare at Moqtada Simkowitz, Osama's agent
Moore
You said he was going to make it to this meeting.
Moqtada
You should give him time. The traffic here is terrible.
Moore
Tell me about it. It's the focus of my next documentary.
Fonda
Did he not follow my directions? The Santa Monica freeway should have been a snap.
Reiner
I'm going to start calling him Been Late'in.
Moqtada
Osama did not invent this traffic problem. this is not a traffic problem of Islam. This is a traffic problem of the decadent West. The Hooters billboards slows everyone down.
Moore looks at his script.
Moore
We start in the cave. A closeup on Osama, and then he launches into taunting the United States for being crippled and weak. Haven't we done the cave?
Fonda
I like the cave. It's Platonic.
Reiner
I'm meeting with Sean Penn and George Soros later. He intimated financial backing. We're at least looking at a two-story cave.
Fonda
It should have a coffee shop.
Moore
Why?
Fonda
These videos always look so gritty. I like gritty, but a guy staring at the camera mumbling in what, Afghan?
Moqtada
Arabic.
Fonda
Fine. But we have to change around the set. He's in the cave, then we cut to the coffee shop. Convivial atmosphere. A Sheryl Crow song in the background.
Moore
Man on the run must have coffee. Afghans drink coffee?
Reiner
Dude he's not Mormon.
Fonda
Everyone drinks coffee.
Fonda looks longingly a the unopened bottle of spring water at her side.
Reiner
Osama mumbles. I hate to bring it up.
Moqtada
It's not mumbling. It's Arabic.
Reiner
I don't care if its Yiddish, the man does not enunciate. We need somebody to do the voice work. What about Wallace Shawn?
Moqtada
He'd be great.
Moore
I don't see it. The guy plays a dinosaur in Toy Story then you want him to be a religious leader?
Fonda
We shouldn't oversell the religious part. Everybody knows he's religious. You could have a Mel Gibson problem.
Moqtada
This is his video. Other studios are interested. I might just tell him to "Move On".
Fonda
I know. But look at the script. Vague threats against Americans. Terror terror terror. That might play well in Cannes --
Moore
It's box office poison.
Reiner
Has Osama considered a love interest?
Moqtada
We were eying Cameron Diaz.
Fonda
No go.
Moore
She'd be perfect. She drives a Prius.
Reiner
She has a no burqa clause in her contract. Non-negotiable.
Fonda
Another thing – we don't want to do this on one location. If we film in Afghanistan there's no way to recoup costs. Security. Airfare.
Moqtada
There are nice caves in southern France.
Moore
I'm a little concerned about the message the cave sends. "Bin Laden's still hiding." Nothing urgent. That's like me making a video about how much I hate America.
Reiner
How about Osama as a renegade cop?
Moore
Fighting a system that's keeping him down.
Fonda looks at the printout of an email in her hand.
Fonda
He has to talk about global warming.
Fonda eats a small piece of the email printout.
Moqtada
Why?
Moore
Word from Big Al.
Fonda
I've been looking at head shots. Did Osama cut his beard?
Moqtada
Not only that. He dyed it. No more gray.
Moore
Fucking Primadonna.
Fonda
Dyed hair screams fake. Gray is about authenticity.
Moqtada
In the Muslim world,
Moore
This video isn't for the Muslim world.
Reiner
Easy Mike. We'll re-color it post-production.
Reiner produces a twelve piece bucket of KFC and swallows entire thing. Moore looks wounded until Reiner makes reparations by pulling a second bucket from his briefcase for Moore.
Moqtada
The beard has to be black.
Reiner
Why?
Moqtada
The Happy Meal Toy.
Moore
I can live with that.
Reiner
Osama Blackbeard!
Fonda
That's it. We move the setting from a cave to a pirate ship. I'm calling Disney.
Moqtada
Praise Allah.
 
copyright 2004-2024 G. Xavier Robillard
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