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Filed Under Politics
More UN Video Games
Posted May 2, 2005
Leveraging the popularity of Food Force, the video game where You Feed The Children, the United Nations has developed
the following new releases to help you, the children, rid the world of all manner of ills.
Grand Theft Afghan
As a Kabul-based contractor, paid one thousand dollars
per diem, your mission is to build a girls' school.
But the problem is, as soon as you leave your deluxe,
heavily guarded compound, you are confronted by the
public, who complain about their lack of clean water
and medicines. You must avoid local contact at all
cost! Make shady deals for shoddy construction
materials. Find unique ways to spend your large
reconstruction budget on any items at all:
subcontractors, security, your own mosque, travel, or
bribes (make sure not to distribute the monies
directly to the community). As you progress through
the game levels, you compete with other development
experts for larger budgets, and whether or not you
actually build any schools, your ultimate goal is to
spend it all, while assuring your funders that the job
is getting done.
Quake Mod – Hold Your Fire
In this first person shooter game, you'll march
proudly in your blue helmet. You're a UN Peacekeeper,
a nation builder, working to spread freedom across the
globe, ready to appear as a somber force in the latest
hot spots, or at least maintain the status quo, or
perhaps try to stay out of the way of battling
warlords. You will be supplied with the latest
weaponry, which you may not use under any
circumstance, whether you are fending off an angry
mob, or attempting to flee a fallen embassy. The fewer
bullets you discharge, the higher your score. A split
screen within the game will display real time
deliberations on the nature of genocide within the
Security Counsel.
Global Warming: Commission Impossible
You children will garner the greatest satisfaction in our "Decrease Global Warming" offering. Players will
team up into several subcommittees (encourage your
chums to play on-line), using our novel and
educational command line interface to address the
global warming debate. Tasks will be divided by the UN
high commissioner, so until the game commences,
players will have no idea if they are drafting
treaties, conducting scientific research, or writing
New York Times Op-Eds. Extra points will be given to
any player who can garner cooperation from the touchy
United States Senate, while simultaneously curbing
fossil fuel emissions in China. Fun for your entire
cohort!
GoldenCurb – License 2 Park
Clawing your way up the diplomatic bureaucracy, you
endure boring parties, revolutions, culture clashes
and ugly countries. As you progress through the game,
you will expend loyalty and backstabbing points to
convince your home government to make you a diplomat!
After your drop off into a glamorous foreign city (you
get to pick!), you will be able to abuse your host
country in ways you couldn't previously imagine.
Pretend to be a spy, and waste valuable intelligence
resources. Throw large parties and court local
celebrities. Your ultimate goal in this fun urban
adventure is to become ambassador, gain diplomatic
immunity, and nullify your parking tickets.
Bolton Reloaded
This offering is a perfected, timely version of the
crass bestseller JFK Reloaded. As a professional UN
assassin, you'll be tasked with eliminating a constant
thorn in our side: US diplomat John Bolton. Use the
Zapruder film as a training session for this crucial
copycat killing. Bolton must not discover the UN's
ultimate goal to establish a global government.
Failure is not acceptable, and will trigger a writeup,
a hearing of the Permanent Security Council, and a
permanent demotion to guard the consulate of Chad.
Operation Enduring Speeches
For whom do smiles not arise when recalling the
long-winded diatribes of an Arafat or Castro? As
future diplomats, you too must listen to thoughtfully
crafted and jargon-laden speeches on such thrilling
topics as agronomy and debt relief! Our game uses real-life
video clips of typical speeches, and provides a fun
quiz for each participant on content and oratorical
style. Extra points will be awarded to those
participants who can ignore the snores and taunts of
other diplomats.
Tomb Raider – The Curse of the Looted Museum
Join Curvaceous Crime fighter Lara Croft as she teams
up with forensics officers from the unimpeachable
INTERPOL. Abstaining from violence, Lara will visit
Universities, Museums and private art collectors, to
return stolen relics to the national museum of
Baghdad. As a particularly keen instructive portion of
the video entertainment, Dr. Croft will deliver an art
history lecture on the significance and provenance of
each stolen scroll and bauble. Players who advance to
sufficient levels will earn the opportunity to learn
Aramaic vocabulary words.
DropZone – Schistosomiasis
As an swashbuckling MD, you've been smuggled in by the
local village counsel to handle the schistosomiasis
epidemic. You'll tour the deserts and the jungles, the
mountains and the coasts of the developing world.
You'll fight as hard as you can, you'll put your
entire career into this problem, but funding will be
cut as the foundation world's short attention span
moves onto sexier diseases, and so you take out a
second mortgage to keep immunizing, and you run out of
money again, and yet you don't make a single dent in
this global pandemic. After many years making
presentations, writing grant applications, forming
committees, the situation with this deadly and
underfunded disease will not change. In the final
levels of the game, having lost all respect of the
field of epidemiology, and divorcing the last of your
graduate students, you collapse in Tahiti, where you
will relax in a villa built on the monies you
necessarily embezzled from your last lingering grants.
 
copyright 2004-2024 G. Xavier Robillard
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