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Filed Under Business
Eat Your Vegetables – A Government Conspiracy
Posted March 19, 2007
**EDITOR'S NOTE - if you reached this story in error because of the link in the 3.26.07 Non-Dairy Creamer newsletter, it is because of the foolish yet cheap gnomes who run this website. Continue on to read Leading Democratic Candidates As Liberal As Jesus**
At the time of this reading, the United States government will have increased the number of servings of fruits and vegetables you should consume each day. 2006 levels of 6,000 servings per diem were deemed too low by the government's Veggie Tsar, who was appointed to a cabinet level position after the great catsup dust up and the broccoli brouhaha of the 1980's presidents. Republicans at that time vowed that they would never again be considered weak on vegetables, and as they moved to the central region of the country to consolidate power, they discovered an area already predisposed to the delivery of these green foods.
Although Federal policy targets have not been set for the 2007 vegetal year, insiders suspect that the new per diem serving will be close to 10,000, which could be consumed as 9 million string beans or a metric ton of oranges. The term food pyramid will no longer be a proportional design, but rather a very small tetrahedron with a monolithic base stretching out for miles in all directions. With the typing of the previous sentence, I should have eaten 1,000 carrots (3,000 baby). I have eaten none, and feel tremendous crushing guilt.
We must realize the purpose of all these vegetables, and it is not our health. The government doesn't even want you to have access to this very report, which might not survive its initial posting. The answer to the great vegetal conspiracy is this: if you are forced to spend all waking hours hunting, washing, peeling, slicing, and eating vegetables, you will not have time to protest government actions. Freedom of speech will remain in theory, fettered by the giant cucumber slices in your mouth.
To fight the crushing tyranny of rutabagas wasting away in my weekly veggie box, which I can only send to the compost at night so the neighbors don't see, I have learned who's leading this new vegetal craze. The rabbits.
It is well known that the introduction of rabbits to Australia has had near lethal effects on the country, especially since the rabbits have taken over both houses of the Australian parliament, and they've used their political clout to extract beneficial trade concessions from other nations. Their scientists have stovepiped data and forged questionable results of health studies to drum up public hysteria in service to an unlikely assertion: for the human race to survive, all arable land must be planted for vegetables.
Rebel. Don't fall prey to the bunny masters. Stop eating vegetables.
Paid for by the National Cattlemen's Beef Association
 
copyright 2004-2024 G. Xavier Robillard
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