The "official" report of McClellan
The following excellent satire on ‘"George's"’ reports has been furnished by a correspondent. It is a capital piece of humor:
Headquarters army of Potomac,Near Gunboats on James River, July 9th, 1862.
Hon. Ed. M. Stanton, Sec. War, U. S. A.:
It may seem a misnomer for the Army of James River to be called the Army of the Potomac, and it may excite surprise that my address is ‘"Near the Gunboats"’ instead of ‘ "Richmond, Va;"’ but I have just executed a grand strategic movement. Nothing equal to it was performed at Sebastopol.
That the enlightened public of Boston and New York may understand the magnificent conception and execution of this wonderful plan, I will make a brief statement.
On the 26th of June I enticed across the Chickahominy the rebel Generals Jackson, Longstreet, D. H. Hill, and A. P. Hill, for the purpose of annihilating them, when separated from their reserves. The works at Mechanicsville, though very strong, were strategically abandoned that night to toll the rebels into my tolls around Gaines's Mill. No such magnificent design was carried out at Sebastopol.
On the 27th instant, the rebels Longstreet and A. P. Hill attacked my works in front, and Jackson and D. H. Hill turned them on my right. We killed vast numbers of the enemy, and left a vast army of my wounded in his hands. Knowing the great lack of provisions and medical stores in the rebel ranks, I let them take a thousand of my well men and all my sick. My wounded, sick, and sound men, will add greatly to the distress of the enemy and help to crush this unnatural rebellion. No such magnificent scheme was devised at Sebastopol.
The rebels having cut my telegraph wires, I found it necessary to invent a new system of signals. I therefore adopted the old idea of signaling by lights; so I made bonfires out of a few million of dollars worth of commissary and quartermaster stores. I am happy to state that the signals were understood throughout my whole line. In this age of progress we ought to improve upon old ideas, and I am confident that I can firmly claim that no such signal lights were used at Sebastopol.
On the 28th, the rebel Generals Ewell and Stuart cut the railroad, destroyed my stores at Dispatch Station, White House, &c. We lost stores to the amount of forty millions of dollars. All this was part of my original scheme, long conceived and now handsomely executed. Neither the Russians nor Allies did anything of the kind at Sebastopol.
On the 29th I resolved to toll the enemy still further on, and it became again necessary to make signals to my army. The better to deceive the enemy, I blew up a fine engine and several tons of powder, instead of using signal guns. I am happy to say that the explosions were heard throughout my whole line, and were understood by my gallant boys. No such substitute for signal guns was used at Sebastopol.
That quiet Sabbath afternoon I resumed my march for James river, but the serenity and calm of that holy day was broken in by the rebel McLaws, who attacked me in a most barbarons and uncivilized manner. We fought him until dark, when disgusted with the atrocious conduct of McLaws, I resolved to leave him and continue my march to James river. I used the same happy expedient of making signal lights by burning my stores. I left near the battle-ground some two thousand of my sick and wounded, directing Gen. Sumner to destroy all medical and commissary stores at Savage Station. It is difficult to conceive how the rebels can sustain this new burden.
In my official report to the Hon. Secretary of War. I would earnestly call the attention of the Rev. Mr. Beecher, and the Puritans of New England, to the fact that I was attacked on the holy Sabbath day by that godless rebel McLaws. Such a thing was only of weekly recurrence at Sebastopol.
On the 30th, I let the rebel Jackson and D. H. Hill take a thousand of my men, on the road to White Oak river. Some five hundred mules were also turned over to the rebel Col. Munford, to add to the difficulties of the forage question with the enemy. Finding that the rebels Jackson and Hill were close behind me, I tore up the bridge at White Oak river and resolved to give them battle at long taw. This is a popular mode of fighting with my men, when their long-range guns are out of reach of the balls of the enemy. But, while we were having a fine time at our favorite game at White Oak river, the everlasting Longstreet and A. P. Hill struck me in flank and killed and captured a great number of my men. My great master, General Scott, could not stand a fire in the rear and front, nor could I be expected to stand a fire in flank and rear. I therefore fell back and tolled the rebels on. None of the Generals at Sebastopol acted so unfairly as did these four rebel Generals.
I had now tolled the rebels to the very place I wanted to get them, ‘"Malvin Hill," ’ a magnificent height, defended on the flanks by the gunboats, and only approachable by ravines swept by my artillery. I anticipated a glorious time in slaughtering the rebels. The rebel troops of Jackson, Huger, Magruder, D. H. Hill, and Whiting, swarmed around me all day. They came up to my batteries yelling and shouting, and I mowed them down with grape and cannister at half range. It was a glorious victory; but I could not persuade our men that it was a glorious victory for them. I therefore yielded to the wishes of my heroic boys and resolved to toll the rebels on.--When the belligerents at Sebastopol gained a brilliant battle they held the field; my abandonment of Malvin Hill was, therefore, different from anything done at Sebastopol. I flatter myself that I have seriously crippled the enemy by leaving another large lot of sick and wounded in his hands. I had almost forgotten to state that I have abandoned in all about fifty of my magnificent Parrott and Napoleon guns. The enemy will be compelled to feed a large number of horses to transport these guns, and it is difficult to imagine how starving rebeldom can support such a burden. It is very gratifying to report the excellent health of my men, notwithstanding their fatigue. A report on the 1st July that Stuart's cavalry was in our rear, developed the fact that our untiring boys could march five miles in an hour! That they might march with greater ease, all threw away their knapsacks and overcoats, and several thousand threw away their guns. Nothing of this kind was done at Sebastopol.
I am now on the banks of the majestic James; whales and catfish are disporting in its yellowish waves; the gunboats and fleet float proudly on its glassy bosom; the soft zephyrs gently ruffle its surface. The mosquitos and the frogs unite in a dulcet symphony with the owls and whippoorwills.--The dense dark foliage speaks eloquently of rebel sharpshooters. In fact, all nature is redolent with grandeur, magnificence, magniloquence, and glory. I feel inspired, elevated, sublimated, etherealized by the great scenes through which I have passed. My victories have won me eternal fame; immortality is mine, immortality is mine. I have not taken Richmond, but I have taken the gunboats. I have not ‘"pushed Johnston to the wall," ’ but I have pushed myself against the old redoubtable Stonewall! Immortality is mine! Immortality is mine!
G. B. McCLELLAN,
Maj. Gen'l Comd'g, near the Gunboats.
P. S.--I omitted to state that forty-six of the rebel regiments were from North Carolina. I have told you before of the strong Union sentiments existing among the troops from that State. From the closeness with which they followed me it is now demonstrated beyond all peradventure that they desired to establish intimate relations with my brave and noble reserves. Had not the Tar River boys kept shooting bullets the sweetest intimacy might have been established between us.
