Enter EUNOMIA and MEGADORUS, from their house.
EUNOMIA
I could wish you, brother, to think that I utter these words by reason of my own regard and your welfare, as is befitting your own sister to do. Although I'm not unaware that we women are accounted troublesome; for we are all of us deservedly considered very talkative, and, in fact, they say at the present day that not a single woman has been found dumb1 in any age. Still, brother, do you consider this one circumstance, that I am your nearest relation, and you in like manner are mine. How proper it is that I should counsel and advise you, and you me, as to what we may judge for the interest of each of us; and for it not to be kept concealed or kept silence upon through apprehension, but rather that I should make you my confidant, and you me in like manner. For that reason, now, have I brought you here apart out of doors, that I might here discourse with you upon your private concerns.
MEGADORUS
Best of women, give me your hand. Takes her hand.
EUNOMIA
looking about . Where is she? Who, pray, is this best of women?
MEGADORUS
Yourself.
EUNOMIA
Do you say so?
MEGADORUS
If you say no, I say no.
EUNOMIA
Indeed, it's right that the truth should be spoken; for the best of women can nowhere be found; one is only worse than another, brother.
MEGADORUS
I think the same, and I'm determined never to contradict you on that point, sister. What do you wish?
EUNOMIA
Give me your attention, I beg of you.
MEGADORUS
'Tis at your service; use and command me, please, if you wish for aught.
EUNOMIA
A thing that I consider very greatly for your advantage I'm come to recommend you.
MEGADORUS
Sister, you are doing after your usual manner.
EUNOMIA
I wish it were done.
MEGADORUS
What is it, sister?
EUNOMIA
That you may enjoy2 everlasting blessings in being the father of children.
MEGADORUS
May the Gods so grant it.
EUNOMIA
I wish you to bring home a wife.
MEGADORUS
Ha! I'm undone.
EUNOMIA
How so?
MEGADORUS
Because, sister, your words are knocking out the brains of unfortunate me; you are speaking stones3.
EUNOMIA
Well, well, do this that your sister requests you.
MEGADORUS
If she requests me, I will do it.
EUNOMIA
'Tis for your own interest.
MEGADORUS
Yes, for me to die before I marry. Let her who comes here to-morrow, be carried out4 of the house the day after, sister; on that condition, give me her whom you wish to give; get ready the nuptials.
EUNOMIA
I am able, brother, to provide you with a wife with a very large marriage-portion. But she's somewhat aged; she's of the middle-age of woman. If you request me, brother, to ask her for you, I'll ask her.
MEGADORUS
Would you like me to ask you a question?
EUNOMIA
Yes, if you like, ask it.
MEGADORUS
Suppose any old man, past mid-age, brings home a middle-aged wife, if by chance he should have a child by this old woman, do you doubt at all but that the name of that child is Posthumus5, all prepared? Now, sister, I'll remove and lessen this labour for you. I, by the merits of the Gods and of my forefathers, am rich enough; these high families, haughty pride6, bountiful portions, acclamations, imperiousness, vehicles inlaid with ivory, superb mantles and purple, I can't abide, things that by their extravagance reduce men to slavery.
EUNOMIA
Tell me, pray, who is she whom you would like to take for a wife?
MEGADORUS
I'll tell you. Do you know that Euclio, the poor old man close by?
EUNOMIA
I know him; not a bad sort of man, i' faith.
MEGADORUS
I'd like his maiden daughter to be promised me in marriage. Don't make any words7 about it, sister; I know what you are going to say; that she's poor. This poor girl pleases me.
EUNOMIA
May the Gods prosper it.
MEGADORUS
I hope the same.
EUNOMIA
What do you want me now for? Do you wish for anything?
MEGADORUS
Farewell.
EUNOMIA
And you the same, brother. Goes into the house.
MEGADORUS
I'll go meet Euclio, if he's at home. But, see! the very person is betaking himself home, whence, I know not.
Enter EUCLIO.
EUCLIO
to himself . My mind had a presentiment that I was going to no purpose when I left my house; and therefore I went unwillingly; for neither did any one of the wardsmen come, nor yet the master of the ward, who ought to have distributed the money. Now I'm making all haste to hasten home; for I myself am here, my mind's at home.
MEGADORUS
accosting him . May you be well, and ever fortunate, Euclio!
EUCLIO
May the Gods bless you, Megadorus!
MEGADORUS
How are you? Are you quite well, and as you wish?
EUCLIO
aside . It isn't for nothing when a rich man accosts a poor man courteously; now this fellow knows that I've got some gold; for that reason he salutes me more courteously.
MEGADORUS
Do you say that you are well?
EUCLIO
Troth, I'm not very well in the money line.
MEGADORUS
I' faith, if you've a contented mind, you have enough to passing a good life with.
EUCLIO
aside . By my faith, the old woman has made a discovery to him about the gold; 'tis clear it's all out. I'll cut off her tongue, and tear out her eyes, when I get home.
MEGADORUS
Why are you talking to yourself?
EUCLIO
I'm lamenting my poverty; I've a grown-up girl without a portion, and one that can't be disposed of in marriage; nor have I the ability to marry her to anybody.
MEGADORUS
Hold your peace; be of good courage, Euclio: she shall be given in marriaye; you shall be assisted by myself. Say, if you have need of aught; command me.
EUCLIO
aside . Now is he aiming at my property, while he's making promises; he's gaping for my gold, that he may devour it; in the one hand he is carrying a stone8. while he shows the bread in the other. I trust no person, who, rich himself, is exceedingly courteous to a poor man; when he extends his hand with a kind air, then is he loading you with some damage. I know these polypi9, who, when they've touched a thing, hold it fast.
MEG.(
Give me your attention, Euclio, for a little time: I wish to address you in a few words, about a common concern of yours and mine.
EUCLIO
aside . Alas! woe is me! my gold has been grabbed from in-doors: now he's wishing for this thing, I'm sure, to come to a compromise with me; but I'll go look in my house. He goes towards his door.
MEGADORUS
Where are you going?
EUCLIO
I'll return to you directly, for there's something I must go and see to at home. He goes into his house.
MEGADORUS
By my troth, I do believe that when I make mention of his daughter, for him to promise her to me, he'll suppose that he's being laughed at by me; nor is there out of the whole class of paupers one more beggarly than he. EUCLIO returns from his house.
EUCLIO
aside . The Gods do favour me; my property's all safe. If nothing's lost, it's safe. I was very dreadfully afraid, before I went in-doors! I was almost dead! Aloud. I'm come back to you, Megadorus, if you wish to say anything tome.
MEGADORUS
I return you thanks; I beg that as to what I shall enquire of you, you'll not hesitate to speak out boldly.
EUCLIO
So long, indeed, as you enquire nothing that I mayn't choose to speak out upon.
MEGADORUS
Tell me, of what sort of family do you consider me to be sprung?
EUCLIO
Of a good one.
MEGADORUS
What think you as to my character?
EUCLIO
'Tis a good one.
MEGADORUS
What of my conduct?
EUCLIO
Neither bad nor dishonest.
MEGADORUS
Do you know my years?
EUCLIO
I know that they are plentiful, just like your money.
MEGADORUS
I' faith, for sure I really did always take you to be a citizen without any evil guile, and now I think you so.
EUCLIO
aside . He smells the gold. Aloud. What do you want with me now?
MEGADORUS
Since you know me, and I know you, what sort of person you are--a thing, that may it bring a blessing on myself, and you and your daughter, I ask your daughter as my wife. Promise me that it shall be so.
EUCLIO
Heyday! Megadorus, you are doing a deed that's not becoming to your usual actions, in laughing at me, a poor man, and guiltless towards yourself and towards your family For neither in act, nor in words, have I ever deserved it of you, that you should do what you are now doing.
MEGADORUS
By my troth, I neither am come to laugh at you, nor am I laughing at you, nor do I think you deserving of it.
EUCLIO
Why then do you ask for my daughter for your self?
MEGADORUS
That through me it may be better for you, and through you and yours for me.
EUCLIO
This suggests itself to my mind, Megadorus, that you are a wealthy man, a man of rank; that I likewise am a person, the poorest of the poor; now, if I should give my daughter in marriage to you, it suggests itself to my mind that you are the ox, and that I am the ass; when I'm yoked to you, and when I'm not able to bear the burden equally with yourself, I, the ass, must lie down in the mire; you, the ox, would regard me no more than if I had never been born; and I should both find you unjust, and my own class would laugh at me; in neither direction should I have a fixed stall, if there should be any separation10; the asses would tear me with their teeth, the oxen would butt at me with their horns. This is the great hazard, in my passing over from the asses to the oxen.
MEGADORUS
The nearer you can unite yourself in alliance with the virtuous, so much the better. Do you receive this proposal, listen to me, and promise her to me.
EUCLIO
But indeed there is no marriage-portion.
MEGADORUS
You are to give none; so long as she comes with good principles, she is sufficiently portioned.
EUCLIO
I say so for this reason, that you mayn't be supposing that I have found any treasures.
MEGADORUS
I know that; don't enlarge upon it. Promise her to me.
EUCLIO
So be it. Starts and looks about. But, O Jupiter, am I not utterly undone?
MEGADORUS
What's the matter with you?
EUCLIO
What was it sounded just now as though it were iron?
MEGADORUS
Here at my place, I ordered them to dig up the garden. EUCLIO runs off into his house. But where is this man? He's off, and he hasn't fully answered me; he treats me with contempt. Because he sees that I wish for his friendship, he acts after the manner of mankind. For if a wealthy person goes to ask a favour of a poorer one, the poor man is afraid to treat with him; through his apprehension he hurts his own interest. The same person, when this opportunity is lost, too late, then wishes for it.
EUCLIO
coming out of the house, addressing STAPHYLA within . By the powers, if I don't give you up to have your tongue cut out by the roots, I order and I authorize you to hand me over to any one you please to be incapacitated.
MEGADORUS
By my troth, Euclio, I perceive that you consider me a fit man for you to make sport of in my old age, for no deserts of my own.
EUCLIO
I' faith, Megadorus, I am not doing so, nor, should I desire it, had I the means11.
MEGADORUS
How now? Do you then betroth your daughter to me?
EUCLIO
On those terms, and with that portion which I mentioned to you.
MEGADORUS
Do you promise her then?
EUCLIO
I do promise her.
MEGADORUS
May the Gods bestow their blessings on it.
EUCLIO
May the Gods so do. Take you care of this, and remember that we've agreed, that my daughter is not to bring you any portion.
MEGADORUS
I remember it.
EUCLIO
But I understand in what fashion you, of your class, are wont to equivocate; an agreement is no agreement, no agreement is an agreement, just as it pleases you.
MEGADORUS
I'll have no misunderstanding with you. But what reason is there why we shouldn't have the nuptials this day?
EUCLIO
Why, by my troth, there is very good reason for them.
MEGADORUS
I'll go, then, and prepare matters. Do you want me in any way?
EUCLIO
That shall be done. Fare you well.
MEGADORUS
going to the door of his house and calling out . Hallo! Strobilus, follow me quickly, in all haste, to the fleshmarket. (Exit MEGADORUS.)
EUCLIO
He has gone hence. Immortal Gods, I do beseech you! How powerful is gold! I do believe, now, that he has had some intimation that I've got a treasure at home; he's gaping for that; for the sake of that has he persisted in this alliance.
EUCLIO, alone.
EUCLIO
going to the door of his house, he opens it, and calls to STAPHYLA within . Where are you who have now been blabbing to all my neighbours that I'm going to give a portion to my daughter? Hallo! Staphyla, I'm calling you! Don't you hear? Make haste in-doors there, and wash the vessels clean. I've promised my daughter in marriage; to-day I shall give her to be married to Megadorus here.
from the house.
STAPHYLA
as she enters . May the Gods bestow their blessings on it! But, i' faith, it cannot be; 'tis too sudden.
EUCLIO
Hold your tongue, and be off. Take care that things are ready when I return home from the Forum, and shut the house up. I shall be here directly. (Exit.)
STAPHYLA
What now am I to do? Now is ruin near at hand for us, both for myself and my master's daughter; for her disgrace and her delivery are upon the very point of becoming known; that which even until now has been concealed and kept secret, cannot be so now. I'll go in-doors, that what my master ordered may be done when he comes. But, by my faith, I do fear that I shall have to drink of a mixture of bitterness12! (Exit.)
Enter STROBIOUS, ANTHRAX, and CONGRIO, with MUSIC GIRLS and PERSONS carrying provisions.
STROBILUS
After my master had bought the provisions, and hired the cooks13 and these music- girls in the market-place, he ordered me to divide these provisions into two parts.
LYCONIDES
By my troth, but you really shan't be dividing me14, I tell you plainly. If you wish me to go anywhere whole, I'll do my best.
ANTHRAX
A very pretty and modest fellow, indeed15. As if, when you are a conger by name, you wouldn't like to be cut into pieces.
LYCONIDES
But, Anthrax, I said that in another sense, and not in the one which you are pretending.
STROBILUS
Now my master's going to be married to-day.
ANTHRAX
Whose daughter is he to marry?
STROBILUS
The daughter of this Euclio, his near neighbour here. For that reason he has ordered half of these provisions here to be presented to him--one cook, and one music-girl likewise.
ANTHRAX
That is, you take one half to him, the other half home?
STROBILUS
'Tis just as you say.
ANTHRAX
How's that? Couldn't this old fellow provide from his own resources for the wedding of his daughter.
STROBILUS
Pshaw!
ANTHRAX
What's the matter?
STROBILUS
What's the matter, do you ask? A pumice stone isn't so dry as is this old fellow.
ANTHRAX
Do you really say that it is as you affirm?
STROBILUS
Do be judge yourself. Why, he's for ever crying out for aid from Gods and men, that his property has gone, and that he is ruined root and branch, if the smoke by chance escapes out of doors through the rafters of his house. Why, when he goes to sleep, he ties a bag16 beneath his gullet.
ANTHRAX
Why so?
STROBILUS
That when he sleeps, he may lose no breath.
ANTHRAX
And does he stop up the lower part of his windpipe17 as well, lest, perchance, he should lose any breath as he sleeps?
STROBILUS
In that 'tis as fair that you should credit me, as it is for me to credit you.
ANTHRAX
Why really, I do believe you.
STROBILUS
But, further, do you know how it is? I' faith, he grieves to throw away the water when he washes.
ANTHRAX
Do you think a great talent18 might be begged of this old fellow for him to give us, through which we might become free?
STROBILUS
By my troth, if you were to ask it, he would never let you have the loan of hunger. Why, the other day, the barber had cut his nails19; he collected all the parings, and carried them off.
ANTHRAX
I' faith, you do describe a miserably stingy wretch.
LYCONIDES
But do you think that he does live so very stingily and wretchedly?
STROBILUS
A kite, the other day, carried off his morsel of food; the fellow went crying to the Prætor20; there, weeping and lamenting, he began to request that he might be allowed to compel the kite to give bail. There are innumerable other things that I could mention, if I had the leisure. But which of you two is the sharper? Tell me.
LYCONIDES
I--as being much the better one.
STROBILUS
A cook I ask for, not a thief21.
LYCONIDES
As a cook, I mean.
STROBILUS
to ANTHRAX . What do you say?
ANTHRAX
I'm just as you see me.
LYCONIDES
He's a nine-day cook22; every ninth day he's in the habit of going out to cook.
ANTHRAX
You, you three-lettered fellow23; do you abuse me, you thief?
LYCONIDES
To be sure I do, you trebly-distilled thief of thieves24.
STROBILUS
Now do you hold your tongue for the present, and, that lamb, whichever is the fatter of the two----
LYCONIDES
Very well25.
STROBILUS
Do you, Congrio, take that, and go in-doors there pointing to EUCLIO'S house ; and to a MUSIC-GIRL and some of the PEOPLE with provisions do you follow him; the rest of you this way, to our house.
LYCONIDES
By my troth, you've made an unfair division; they've got the fattest lamb.
STROBILUS
But the fattest music-girl shall be given you then. Do you, therefore, go along with him, Phrygia26. And do you, Eleusium, step in-doors here, to our house.
LYCONIDES
O you crafty Strobilus, have you pushed me off here upon this most miserly old fellow, where if I ask for anything, I may ask even to hoarseness before anything's found me?
STROBILUS
'Tis very foolish, and 'tis thanklessly done, to do a service to you, when what you do goes for nothing.
LYCONIDES
But how so?
STROBILUS
Do you ask? In the first place then, there will be no confusion for you there in the house; if you want anything to use, bring it from your own home, don't lose your trouble in asking for it. But here, at our house, there's great confusion, and a large establishment-- furniture, gold, garments, silver vessels. If anything's lost here (as I know that you can easily27 keep hands off--if nothing's in your way), they may say, "The cooks have stolen it; seize them, bind them, beat them, thrust them in the dungeon"28. Nothing of that sort will happen to you, inasmuch as there will be nothing for you to steal. Follow me this way.
LYCONIDES
I follow.
STROBILUS
knocking at the door of EUCLIO'S house . Ho, there Staphyla, come out and open the door.
STAPHYLA
from within . Who calls there? STRO. Strobilus.
Enter STAPHYLA.
STAPHYLA
What do you want?
STROBILUS
For you to take in these cooks, and this music-girl, and these provisions for the wedding. Megadorus bade me take these things to Euclio.
STAPHYLA
Are you about to make this wedding, Strobilus, in honor of Ceres29?
STROBILUS
Why?
STAPHYLA
Because I don't see any wine brought.
STROBILUS
Why, that will be brought just now, when he himself comes back from the market.
STAPHYLA
There's no firewood here in our house.
LYCONIDES
There are the beams.
STAPHYLA
I' faith, there are.
LYCONIDES
There is wood, then; don't you be seeking it out of doors.
STAPHYLA
What, you unpurified fellow30, although your business is with the fire, for the sake of a dinner, or of your own hire, do you request us to set our house on fire?
LYCONIDES
I don't ask you.
STROBILUS
Take them in-doors.
STAPHYLA
Follow me. They follow her in-doors, and STROBILUS goes with the others into the house of MEGADORUS.
Enter PYTHODICUS, from the house of MEGADORUS.
PYTHODICUS
Mind you your business; I'll step in and see what the cooks are doing, to observe whom, i' faith, to-day it is a most laborious task. Unless I manage this one thing, for them to cook the dinner down in the dungeon31; thence, when cooked, we might bring it up again in small baskets. But if they should eat below32 whatever they should cook, those above would go without their dinner, and those below have dined. But here am I chattering, as though I had no business, when there's such a pack of thieves in the house. Goes into the house.
Enter EUCLIO, with some chaplets of flowers in his hand.
EUCLIO
I wished at length to screw up my courage to-day, so as to enjoy myself at the wedding of my daughter. I come to the market, I enquire about fish; they tell me that it is dear, that lamb is dear, beef is dear, veal, large fish33, and pork, all of them are dear. And for this reason were they still dearer; I hadn't the money. I came away thence in a rage, since I had nothing wherewithal to make a purchase; and thus did I baulk34 all those rascals. Then I began to think with myself upon the road, "If you are guilty of any extravagance on a festive day, you may be wanting on a common day, unless you are saving." After I disclosed this reasoning to my heart and appetite, my mind came over to my opinion, that I ought to give my daughter in marriage at as little expense as possible. Now I've bought a bit of frankincense, and these chaplets of flowers; these shall be placed upon the hearth for our household God, that he may grant a propitious marriage to my daughter. But what do I----? Do I behold my house open? There's a noise, too, within; is it that I'm robbed, wretch that I am?
LYCONIDES
speaking within the house . Seek of the neighbours a bigger pot35 if you can; this one's too little, it can't hold it.
EUCLIO
Woe to me! By my faith, I'm a dead man; the gold's being carried off--my pot's being looked for. I am certainly murdered, unless I make haste to run with all haste in-doors here! Apollo, prithee do assist and help me, whom thou hast already, before this, helped in such circumstances. Pierce with thine arrows the plunderers of my treasures. But am I delaying to run, before I perish outright. He runs into his house.
Enter ANTHRAX, from the house of MEGADORUS.
ANTHRAX
speaking to some within . Dromo, do you scale the fish. Do you, Machærio, have the conger and the lamprey boned. I'm going to ask the loan of a baking-pan of our neighbour Congrio. You, if you are wise, will have that capon more smoothly picked for me than is a plucked play-actor36. But what's this clamour that's arising here hard by? By my faith, the cooks, I do believe, are at their usual pranks37. I'll run in-doors, lest there may be any disturbance here for me as well. Retreats into the house of MEGADORUS.
