Snowflakes

All morning I've been watching the snow fall. Flurries, and dense patches of frosty stars falling, or floating, depending on how you look at it. Swirling, and dancing. Silent, intricate universes as individual as we are. It's hypnotic--watching snowflakes fall. It feels like I'm inside a snow globe except the snow is on the outside, and I'm on the inside looking out. I'm pondering the snowflakes, and my navel, with a new year on the horizon.

In watching the snow fall, I realized, all that really matters is this moment, and finding the joy in life no matter how much or how little "snow" falls on my world. So for the rest of the day, or at least for a moment, ( I cannot even begin to tackle the "hugeness" of the entire next year) I'd like to live as free as a snowflake inside my heart. Yesterday is something I cannot change, and tomorrow (should I be blessed enough to have one) is not yet here. I have this one shot at making my life as joyful as a dancing snowflake or as turbulent as a blizzard.

This snow globe perspective isn't a once a year kind of thinking for me. I probably over think most things on most days, and waste way too much time in the "what-ifs" or "I shoulda's". But there's something about hanging up a new calendar that shifts my core, and allows me to begin thinking about new beginnings.

Is it any wonder mankind sees snow a sign of purity? Or a new year as turning over a new leaf? Or white as a symbol of cleanliness? Is it a fluke that a new year falls in winter just as a snowflake does? If snowflakes could sing, would my life song be singing in harmony with them? If my life were a snow globe would others look in on my world and want to be a part of it?

Maybe I should keep my snow globe out all year long to shake up a fresh, snowfall of JOY whenever I need a fresh perspective, or a clean slate to start over if I get muddied-up. Or if I just need a reminder of the JOY that all children see inside a snowflake. Yes... I rather like that New Year's resolution.

2010
I welcome you with joy.

Tis the season to be

Opie Taylor knows how to "be"...
Peaceful, Joyful, and Grateful
For all things, in all ways

This holiday season I'm going to follow his example.
I'm not adding stress to my Christmas list
Just joy, love, and peace.

Happy Holidayz, my dear friends,
and readers.
Opie Taylor, Superman, Wonder Dog,
Dylan, Jake, Ash, Emery and I
Wish you a Season
Full of Love, Joy, and Peace.
May you find a pair of Sassy Monkey Pantz
under your tree or inside a package.
Remember "One Size Fitz All"

I'll be back after Christmas...
But will try to stop by to wish
as many of you as I can get to...
Happy Holidayz
and to ask you....
If you have your monkey pantz on...

NOTE: These pics were taken last year at my beloved Tree House. I'll post pics later of my peaceful hippy, bohemian style Christmas here at the Lily Pad. I have kept it simple, sweet, and stress-less.

A Wake Up Call

Looking at this picture I clipped from a video I made last week, I can see I had no idea in a few minutes I was about to learn something about myself that would give me a major wake-up call. Sometimes moments like these are the perfect gift to give yourself. The eye popping moments that shake you to your core, rock you & cause you to feel like you've just been hit by a stun gun. But in actual fact, I opened an early Christmas present given to me by the Universe. It's just what I needed to approach this next year with renewed determination. I'm sharing it with you.

I know I resemble a deer caught in the head lights in this picture, and rightly so. With these festive monkey pants adorning my back side, and bright blue top, I should be considered legally blind. If you are scratching your head, and wondering , "WTFlip are monkey pants?" Go to my sidebar where my Lilyputian Dictionary is. The definition is there, along with other unique words I've "fashion" together. I know I'm not the only one who makes words up.... ahem. Besides everyone needs a custom pair of monkey pants fitted just for them. And on some days, you just gotta wear what makes you happy even if you look like a huge sheet of wrapping paper....

Here's the gift I opened.
To Me, With Love From 2010, and beyond...
Click Here : A Wake Up Call

Wii Wii Wii all the way home

Monkey pantzzzzzzz weigh more than you think.

Film at 11:00
Or right now.....
Check it out...Yikes

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z7y7L5YrA5M

Fleas on my Dog aka Feliz Favidad

Fleazzzzz on my dog.... lalalala
Fleazzzzz on my dog.... lalalala

Oh wait we don't have a dog.

OK then....
Feliz Navidad...
Feliz Navidad...
We want to wish you a Merry Christmas...
Happy Holidays....
Happy Hanuka.....
Happy Saturday....
Or anything else important you celebrate
And may your New Year be merry and bright.

Insomnia

New art, "Gratitude Reigned on Her Parade", by Lille Diane
I'm taking an art class, The Goddess and the Poet" with Suzi Blu.
This painting is inside a journal book.
YOU can do this too!
It's an online class & Suzi is a great teacher!

Smoke Free One Year Anniversary

I did it! It's been a full year. No cigarettes. No coughing when I laugh. No smelly clothes, breath, hair, car, house, fingers, furniture, drapes.... I can hold my grandson knowing he will not have any 3rd hand smoke from my clothes touching his sweet face. I can kiss Superman without going through the de-stink ritual. I don't have to stand out in the frigid winter air outside a restaurant to puff. I don't have to run out at 11:00 pm to get a pack just in case the 3 cigarettes I have left may not get me through the night.

I have saved a ton of money. Average pack is $5.oo. I was smoking 1.5-2 packs a day. That's roughly $275-350 a month.

My reward [besides better health] will be getting my teeth whitened.

Yeah, baby! I totally deserve it!

The Story Behind This Time Tomorrow

I'm sure you've all noticed my new header. Superman encouraged me to use this piece of art I drew, and painted a few months ago as my header. I reluctantly agreed to tear it out of my art journal and scan it to see if I liked it. To my surprise, I did like it. I really, really liked it. The only thing missing was the cat, Opie Taylor, who sports the monkey pants on this blog. That sketch came about in under 15 minutes from start to finish. If all of life could be that easy...

Some of you noticed I put "This Time Tomorrow" back on as my blog title. What I'm not sure of is if I told you why I selected "This Time Tomorrow" as my blog title in the first place.

I've played a game with myself for as long as I can remember called this time tomorrow. It helps me get through upcoming things that are difficult, and keeps the ants in my pants from eating me alive when I'm anticipating something fun in my future that hasn't happened yet. Like the time I was asked to open for singer-song writer, Wayne Watson, in 1989 at a concert in Oxnard, CA, a Dove and Grammy award winner. I was so honored, and excited to be the opening singer for one of my favorite Christian singers, I could hardly breathe, eat, sleep or think. I played the game "This Time Tomorrow" with myself so I could survive the weeks waiting for the concert to arrive without popping into a kazillion peices.

Wayne Watson, me, and Scott Alan DJ at KDAR in Oxnard, CA
big smile, big shoulder pads & big hair... love the 80's

But enough about big hair, and stuff. Here's how the game goes....

If there was a test at school that I dreaded, I'd think about the day and time of the test, then I'd say to myself, "This time next Friday, I'll be taking the math test." This would give me the mental time--mental because I rarely, IF ever, cracked a book for a math test--to psych myself up for the test. It's like saying, "OK I have 6 more days to worry about that or not worry about it." But I'd always visualize myself in the situation whether it was 6 days away, or this time tomorrow. It gave me some time to feel it before I got there.

I once used the game to help me heal after having an abortion. I sank into a deep depression afterward because I felt I didn't have a choice in the matter. I wrote a story about my horrible ordeal with the "this time tomorrow" theme. In my short story I dread the upcoming scheduled event, and acknowledge my fear, and remorse, by counting down the days, hours, and minutes before the abortion by playing the game, "This time tomorrow".

I approach the trip to the clinic with a new inner strength because I realize I have an alternative choice. I begin to feel strong, and am willing to voice what "I want to do"--not what I felt someone else wanted me to do. At the last minute, I get up off the table, and walk away without having the abortion. My baby is safe, and so am I. I awaken later to discover I only dreamed I had walked away while I was under the anesthesia having the abortion. Somehow this comforts me because I know in my heart, and spirit, I would have done it differently had the choices been presented to me in another way. Writing about this with the theme of this time tomorrow as the story's base allowed me to heal, and in time, forgive myself. It's a mental game I use to get me through something I dread, or to remind me in 24 hours I can open the gifts under the Christmas tree.

"This time tomorrow I will be at the clinic sitting in the waiting room."

"This time tomorrow I'll be singing in front of thousands of people on the same stage with Wayne Watson."

"This time tomorrow I'll be boarding the plane to Italy."

"This time tomorrow I'll be getting a tooth pulled."

"This time tomorrow I'll be one day closer to being healed from PTSD."

When I decided to start blogging about having PTSD, I pondered a title. I knew writing had helped me in the past to heal from so many things, and suddenly "This Time Tomorrow" popped into my head. That theme had helped me heal before maybe it could now some 30 years later. I realized each day I work through this it brings me closer to this time tomorrow when I'll be totally healed, whole and helping others heal from PTSD, too.

Some of you will get this silly game I play, and some of you will shake your heads and mumble, "HUH?" Humor me--OK? I'm also the one who goes on AND on about monkey pants. Some of you get the concept of monkey pants, too, and some of you don't. Monkey pants are my unique way of reminding myself to keep an attitude of silliness, to keep laughing at myself, and remain childlike in the way I look at life. Silly is good. It helps my serious, fearful heart remember to lighten up. I need my monkey pants on so I will keep on keeping on. Simple as that.

Thank you, Dylan, for always being there with me, monkey pants on, and ready to face whatever this time tomorrow brings us. Thank you, Superman, for believing in me today or this time tomorrow or for as long as it takes for me to get well.

Thank you bloggy friends for putting up with all my monkey shines... Oh, and will you all please let Opie Taylor know the stripes and polka dots DO NOT make his butt look big. He wanted stars on his monkey pants.... I can fix that, too. This time tomorrow...

Tales of the Titmouse

Topa Topa Mountain in Ojai, CA.
The Pink Moment
The brief moment when the sunset turns the mountain face a radiant pink.

Yesterday a long awaited gift arrived. It's a gift that spent 20 years (probably more than twenty) traveling through the heart, and mind, of a talented soul searching for just the right words, and message to send to its readers. The gift is a newly published book by my dear, long time friend, Pamela Barrett. "Tales of the Titmouse", One Woman's Journey Out of Darkness, you can find it on Amazon by clicking HERE.

I remember Pam reading excerpts over the phone to me in the late 80's, and being mesmerized by every word. I stood there with the phone cupped to my ear, and knew Pam was on her way to becoming a published author. Pam and I go way back to the early 70's. I used to work for her Dad as a waitress in his restaurant/coffee shop (I worked for him years later at another restaurant in Ojai, CA, named the Sand Dollar, where many of my friends in the band, The Country Z Men, went on to play with Jimmy Messina, and Clint Black). Pam helped him manage the coffee shop and played hostess with the mostest.

It's in this very same restaurant I met another dear friend, Penny (she's featured in the book) who later became my maid of honor at my wedding. Penny was my ultimate roll model for becoming a hippy, a true hippy. Her husband was an artist, and hanging out at her house was sheer bliss for me--an aspiring artist, musician and hippy-wanna-be-flower-child. I spent many hours curled up at Penny's feet in her plant shop gleaning life skills, and ideas of what to do with my life.

Sweet, sweet Ojai, CA, "The Valley of the Moon" as it is called by the Chumash Indians. Locals also refer to it as the "nest". Although the three of us no longer live there, Ojai will forever live in us. The pictures taken of me with my band Silver Rose were taken in front of a house both Pam and I lived in. Our lives have criss-crossed, and paralleled in so many ways, you'd have thought we planned it that way. We didn't. Perhaps it's because all three of us have a genuine hunger for spiritual matters, and long for our Higher Powers to lead us on a path of understanding, love and serenity.

Pam's story will remind you of how we are all searching for answers, for truth, for love, for acceptance, but especially for hope. If you need a gift of encouragement for someone you love, or yourself, please add "Tales of the Titmouse" to your list of must haves. You can find Pam at her blog, Sister Gilby Says.

Congratulations, Pam. I'm so very, very proud of you for making it to the finish line. You give all of us with stories to tell, and write, hope. Thank you~ Behind Pam is the painting, John Barrett, her artist husband did for the cover of the book. You should see the Christmas card he made me!!! These two make each other shine, and I am in awe of how their gifts came together in a such a perfect union.
I'm not going to give any details of what is inside the book except once you start reading it--you will not be able to put it down....

Bed Head Babblings

I have bed head, my grandson has some, too, and I'm showing it off to the world. I'm also showing why you shouldn't be allowed to babble on your puter cam & post it to you tube.

Hey just sayin....

It's too late.... I'm already hooked. This is the beginning of something well.... how should I say it? Monkey pants meets you tube. Yeah, that says it best.

Bed Head Babbling click here

Not Weighting Any More

Good week. Great results, plus lost some of me along the weigh. OK the barium was... Ummmmm, shall I say weighty. I believe that crap is closer to being like cement than glue in your pipe-a-roos---gross stuff. But it was kind of fun watching it pass through my physical pipes on the "big screen"... Between taking X-rays, the tech pointed out what everything was inside of me as the chalky, white, alien, tar baby first lit up my esophagus, then my intestines, and finally my large intestine.

I twisted my brow in a knot a few times asking her, "What IS that??" Think about it. We don't really get to see what is inside us. We only see the outside, and inside is an awesome machine we rarely even think about as it functions around the clock....24-7... keeping us alive. Plus, I'm curly, and curvy on the inside. Fluffy. Billowy. TMI?? Sowwy...

Please note:
Being off of sugar can make you feel giddy... stoned like. So a lot of this ramblin' sh*t ain't my fault....

This is how I felt when I quit smoking cigs last December, too. I got a head rush when the oxygen finally hit my brain after my blood veins became unclogged from all the nicotine, and tar. Plain oxygen gave me a buzz. A whole new twist on being an airhead... Some of you who have quit tobacco know just what I'm talking about, and now that I'm giving sugar the ole' stink eye... I've been babbling back and forth to myself like Cheech and Chong in a 70's movie. I guess detoxing has its perks. Anywhooooo... where was I??

Something about weight. Let me think a minute. Oh wait it was about my pipes. I was going to say.... no one tells you how freaky it is to see barium come out the "other" end. It's white with a grayish tint to it. Pasty gray. I felt so alienish. For freaking days. Sowwy, another sugah rush gone bad. I'll clean up my potty mouth.

More weighty matters??? Yes, what was the weighty matter this week?

When I weighed in at the doctors 1.5 weeks ago I weighed 191 lbs. I can barely breathe after typing that. Now that is the alien in my body--the extra weight. Those lines around my eyes--aliens, too, dang-it! I look at myself sometimes, and can't help but think of that Bonnie Raitt song, Nick of Time" where it says:

"I see my folks are getting on and I watch their bodies change
I know they see the same in me and it makes us both feel strange
No matter how you tell yourself, it's what we all go through
Those lines are pretty hard to take when they're starin' back at you
Scared to run out of time

When did the choices get so hard,
there's so much more at stake
Life gets mighty precious
When there's less of it to waste
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
Scared to run out of time"

I'm not here to have a pity party about "aging". I earned this right of passage. And I know for sure after going off that embankment in the accident I'm especially grateful to be alive, let alone any age, even if some people consider my age to be old. That inner "you" still expects to see "you" looking back...not that old girl-guy?! Friends, what I know is this;

I'm at a cross road in my life regarding my future health, and I need to take better care of myself while I still have a self to take care of...

Most of you reading this are probably baby boomers. Right? So you may understand how I feel when I say I don't want to waste any time making some positive changes in my personal health. I have this wild child inside me that thinks she can keep eating bad foods, and get no exercise and not have any repercussions from it. I think it's time I told myself, "Girl, you got yourself into this out of shape mess and you're the only one who can get you out of it." I want to feel vibrant inside and look vibrant on the outside! I want my zest back!

Who doesn't want to get an instant skinny fix simply by reading that article about crunches in Absmopolitan.

You mean, "I gotta work for it? But...."

[But... but.... butt bigger butttt....]

I am the only one who can fix me whether it's losing 5 pounds or 105 pounds.

My weight loss goals have everything to do with feeling good, and having great health. Looking good, and feeling good about one's self are light years away from each other. I don't have to tell you that one. I have to tell myself that, and somewhere in the middle, I want a firm grasp on both of those. I had so many of you JUMP UP and say, "I'm going with you, Lille!!! I'm losing my fluff with you, too. I want more energy. I want to get in shape. I want to lose some poundage~~~

Sah-weet-sassy-molassy-monky-pants!

So who wants to know my weight loss this week??? I have news. Weighty News.

I do need to address one thing first though. I had to change my starting weight. I weighed myself when I got home on my digital scale [God, I love this scale as much as I love a skinny mirror in a lingerie store] and it said I weighed 188.5--not the whopping 191 my doctor's lying hunk of junk scale said I did. I weighed myself two days in a row to make sure I had a steady starting weight. Psssttttt.... We all know a doctor's scale makes you weigh as much as an entire mini van with 18 bags of groceries in the back seat plus a zebra .... or two strapped on the bike rack in back. Ahem... **cough***cough**

4.5 pounds. I lost 4.5 pounds!!!! This was not painful, people. I actually ate more than I usually do. My choices were better though. Cutting out sugar was huge. Plus no cream my coffee. I wanted to slit my 'caffeine filled-with-cream-n-sugah' veins just thinking of the deprivation of having no twins in my java. I got over wanting it in under 3 days. I am in shock! Coffee actually tastes good nekkie. WTFrappucino! Who'da thunk it?

A quick question for you.

How many of you would be interested in meeting here with me for 5-15 minutes for a live vlog? A little fun so we can put the wag back in our scally's. A little silliness and motivation for those of you who'd like to do this together. Just think you'll all get to see me 'weighs-ting away to nothin' before your eyes... and you will be, too.

A time suggestion might be good, too. Mornings? Noon? Afternoons? Evenings? More than once a week perhaps?? Mix it up?? Let me hear from you... Who's in and when?

[insert 3rd grade girl giggle here]

A Herd of Honey Bees

Look at this herd of honey bees! These bees are clustered so tightly on the yellow light, you can't see an inch of color or light. It's interesting they chose only the yellow light to perch on, don't you think? Why? I don't know. I just know I was mesmerized by the sleepy, docile bees that morning in mid July when I took this shot in downtown Pittsburgh. This picture reminds me that life is full of choices. I'm relieved, and ecstatic, about the choice I was given yesterday regarding the situation with my health.

I had hoped to get great results but you know how fear can rob you of any peace when you're waiting for results to come back from medical tests. [gakkk!!!] It's the waiting that is truly the hardest. I know many of you out there understand 2000% exactly how this feels.

All the medical tests I had done came back far better than I expected!! There is no scar tissue or adhesion's inside my "pipes". The doctor said they are all on the outside [technically inside my abdomen wall] which means there's no blockage in my digestive track. This is a fabulous diagnosis! Furthermore, he has left it up to me to decide when I want to have him go in and remove the nasty rubber band-like tissues from my abdomen. This can be done with a laparoscopy procedure which is not too invasive. So there is NO immediate surgery in my future!!! Happy Sassy Sah-Weet Monkey Pants!

I look at the picture of the bees as a symbolic measure of how to proceed from here. The caution light is totally covered in a herd of happy, busy bees. The bees are not worried about tomorrow or yesterday. They are in the moment, living as zealously as they possibly can. Yesterday I was given the freedom to stop or go. I choose to step off the curb, and walk toward my future. I choose to approach 2010 with as much peacefulness about my life, and choices, as those bees were covering the yellow light.

So with that said.... I'll spend the rest of today in my studio finishing Lisa's [contest winner] painting, and will make some plans to decorate for Christmas this next week. I held off doing any decorating because I didn't know if I was going to need surgery or not. But now I have a herd of happy honey bees in my britches! That ought to give me a sassified bounce in my walk--don't you think??? Oh baby!

Plus, I will continue to plot my course in eating healthy. I'll be posting my weight loss tomorrow night. And you know what else?????? I didn't need my night light for the last 3 days! I was the night light! Thanks to the Barium cocktails!

*hums "You light up my life.."
as she scurries upstairs to the studio*

Radioactive Girl

Tomorrow morning is my Cat Scan to see what lies beneath......

I'm just grateful it's not my head they're scanning! But all this has me thinking.... I wonder if there's sugar in Milk of Magnesia... I'm having sugahhhhhhhhhhh withdrawals. LOL

Keep me in your thoughts tomorrow. It's not everyday a girl has a certain "glow" about her....