The internal monologue of the anxious chick at the PR event

This is a C2 post

For full details please see my disclosure policy

Last week I went an awesome PR event. A cake decorating class (with no obligation to blog, I might add) to help celebrate Appliances Online’s 8th birthday and help spread the word about their cake decorating competition (you decorate an appliance themed cake and hashtag it #AOLbirthday to win awesome appliances – ends this week so spit spot).

Now we all know I’m fond of appliances. When this renovation malarkey is finished I will have an entire cupboard space dedicated to them. It will be like a shrine and I will worship at the alter of convenient and fast food preparation. So I said yes. Then the whole “OMG I HAVE TO INTERACT WITH PEOPLE WHEN I FEEL LIKE CRAP” thing hit me and I wondered why the hell I was doing it.

Cake. Cake is why I was doing it.

So here’s how it went…

8:15am OK. Nappy bag? Check. Phone? Check. Child looking adorable in cutest outfit? Check. Go, go, go. Do NOT be late. Everyone will stare at you and think you’re rude. I repeat, do NOT be late. If you’re not 15 minutes early, you’re late. Don’t forget to pick up Georgia.

8:45am Sweet, Georgia is on time. Could not handle being late. Oh wow, she has a present for Bobbin. I feel bad. I don’t have anything for her. I didn’t get her anything when her kids were born. I didn’t know her when her kids were born but that is beside the point. Set GPS and drive. Do NOT be late.

9:30am Where the fuck am I? This is a house, not a cake shop. I followed the GPS and it has taken me to the wrong spot. OH SHIT. It autocorrected the address. We’ve come 20 minutes out of our way. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiit! I’m the biggest dickhead in the world. Who doesn’t check the address? What moron named two streets so similar? If I find him I’m gonna smack him upside the head. Fuuuuuck It’s OK. It’s OK. Go now and you will still be on time. WHY THE FUCK IS THERE A TRUCK DRIVING SO SLOW IN FRONT OF US?!

9:40am Bobbin please stop crying. Is it drive slow in front of Glow day? FECK!

9:45am Bobbin pleeeeeeaaaaase stop crying.

9:50am OK. Baby has milk. Baby is more important than being on time. People will understand, surely. When the kid is hungry, you have to feed it. They’ll understand. Should I tweet them?

10:01am YOU’RE LATE!!!!!!!!!! Go home. Just go. Drop Georgia and go. Pick her up after. Make an excuse. Oh god I’m so dizzy.

10:05am OK, they haven’t started. It will be OK. Who are these people? Repeat their names so you don’t forget. Woo, Bobbin is best buffer ever. Yes, let’s all talk about the baby.

10:10am Walk out, the baby is crying. People don’t like crying babies. Boob. Yes, boob. Boob fixes everything. Go back in. Oh shit, what did I miss? Who is that talking? I shouldn’t have come. I wonder if I should take a tablet to calm down? Oh they have free delivery. Cool.

10:30am Everyone is being nice. This could work. Stay with Georgia. Stay with Georgia. Stay with Georgia. Smile. Nod. Smile more. Talk. ACT NATURAL.

10:35am Baby smells, excuse yourself. Oh bloody hell, it’s leaked on to her clothes!!! Wardrobe malfunction!!! ABORT!!! ABORT!!! Will they notice she’s changed outfit? They’ll all know it went everywhere. Oh shit, is it on my clothes?!

10:40am I don’t think they noticed. PHEW! Do some of the cake thing. You came for cake. Do it. It looks like you’re not having fun. Talk to people. Smile. Laugh.

11:00am You’ve done cake decorating, why are you not getting in there and doing it? Baby is no excuse, she’s in the hugabub, she’s fine. Take a photo. Put it on Instagram.

11:30am Is it rude to just offload my kid on to these people? They keep offering. They seem to really want to cuddle her. Do it. Oh, she likes them. Look at her smile. Wow, I love her smile. Happiest baby ever.

11:40am Make a Santa? I can do that! You’ve done this before, all is well. Oh baby stinks again. Wow, the staff are so nice, I’m so glad I made a point to remember her name… shit. What’s her name?

11:50am It’s OK to breastfeed in a commercial kitchen, isn’t it? I’m sure it is. Of course it is. Just do it. Excellent. Sit back and relax for a bit. No, keep doing the Santa. Everyone will think it sucks. Try harder. Wait, don’t try so hard, you look like a… try hard. Smile. Make a joke.

12:00pm So tired. Don’t let anyone see you yawn, they’ll think you’re bored. Being “on” is exhausting.

12:20pm Sweet jesus I get to take home an appliance? Duuude! I was coming for cake! Awesome.

12:30pm Talk to camera or you look like a selfish bitch. I bet I look ugly and fat on that video. Say thank you. Say it again. Once more, for good measure. Thank the other girl. Oh crap what was her name again? They are such lovely people.

12:40pm Get in the car. Don’t hit the pole while everyone is watching. Go, drive. Oh shit, wrong way. Um, fuck. Where am I? Fuckity, fuck. Oh god. It’s coming. The panic is coming. Stop moving your hands like that. Calm down. It’s not safe to drive when you’re like this, you need to calm the fuck down NOW. YOU’RE AN EMBARASSMENT! Apologize to Georgia. Profusely. She’ll never want to come out with you again now for sure. Shit. Stop apologizing now, you sound like a tool.

1:00pm OK. Blood pressure returning to normal. You can do this. Georgia is so nice. It’s awesome to have fun friends.

1:30pm You’re alone now. You did OK. Hopefully they didn’t notice you were ready to snap. Maybe they think you’re just aloof and not a total bitch. You can let go of that fart now.

Anxiety is exhausting. I needed a two hour nap when I got home to recover. These meds better kick in quick.

Do you freak out?

I got trolled and all I got was this feature in CLEO

The list of things Miranda Kerr and I have in common is growing. Exponentially it would seem. We've both married hot dudes, popped out a kid and breastfed it, we're both naturally brunette, um, we're both women, err, we're both Australian. OK so it's a pretty short list of the clutching at straws variety. But now I can add that we're both in this month's CLEO magazine.

Image: CLEO

She's on the cover. I'm on page 75. WE'RE PRACTICALLY TWINS!

You know how I hate it when people spell out acronyms? Well I'm gonna break my own rule here and say this:

OH.

EM.

FUCKING.

GEE. 

Image: CLEO

Yours truly is mentioned in an article about how to deal with online trolls. The article, as you can see with the little pink haired dude above (remember them?), is called "I stood up to my troll", and references my first proper Twitter troll who I managed to track down by going all CSI on his ass.

Image: CLEO

I know I should be all aloof and shit and make people believe that this is nothing, but if I'm honest, which is kinda the whole point of this here blog, I'm as happy as a chick with carbs, which is apt because I am a chick who is carb loading by inhaling vast quantities of choc macadamia cookies. How else would I celebrate seeing my name, my real name, in a national magazine?

Image: CLEO

The article is a bit longer than that and has a few different ways of dealing with trolls. My section contains an F bomb, albeit with a strategically placed asterisk, though this time it's not my potty mouth, it was the troll. If you're bored at the checkouts you should totally read it.

Now please excuse me while I go update my media kit with "as featured in CLEO". Do you think it's too much to get it printed on a t-shirt?

Standing up for my Bloggy self (and why you should too)

I value myself as a Blogger and I value this space and what I have created. And I think, based on some numbers I can see, that other people value this place too.

I generally charge for advertising, sponsored posts, reviews and giveaways. The amount I charge varies greatly on a number of things including how nice the email you sent me was, the value of the product for review, whether you're going to give me a second one as a giveaway and whether or not you want the right to read what I say before I hit publish. I've been told by many Bloggers with similar traffic stats that I'm undercharging, so I guess I still have to work on that self valuing and self esteem a little more.

I don't charge for small businesses of the WAHM/WAHD variety. Some people probably think I should, but I normally don't. I like to think that someone would help my fledgling business out if the Blog was on the other foot. I suppose it's a lame attempt to get brownie points or karma or some shit.

This week I was asked to do a giveaway (not a review, therefore offered no product in lieu of payment) and when I told them my admin fee I received a reply:

Hi Glow,

We are happy to participate in a giveaway where the value of exposure offered is equivalent to the value of the product given. We believe that giveaways are a mutually beneficial as it drives new customers and adds value to your site as everybody loves a giveaway!

We are happy to post products to the winner but have not found it to be standard practice to pay an admin cost.

Thank you for your assistance.

Now I need to point out that this was not for some big ticket item... it was for a downloadable file that the eventual winner would have to print out themselves. So you think a permanent link to your site, a spruiking of your product, promotion through my social media channels with thousands of followers is worth nothing? Fuck off. No, really.

I keep being told "we see it as a win win scenario". The brand win and the reader wins... when do I get to win? Where is my piece of the pie? I LIKE PIE! PIE IS FUCKING AWESOME!

My fear of confrontation means I don't normally speak up so I just delete emails that ask for a serious investment of my time for nothing, and expect to be taken off their "Bloggers To Exploit" list. But I was kinda cranky this time. So I pulled on my grown up pants, embraced my awesomeness and replied:

Hey PR person from a company I won't name,

Perhaps an admin fee is not standard for start up blogs, but Where's My Glow is in it's fourth year now and pulling good traffic and trust capital thanks to consistent quality content, honest reviews, mentions in main stream media and my presence as a speaker at conferences.

I have really good traffic tracking and can tell you that giveaways don't really drive new readers to the blog (but do drive customers to the brand), therefore there is no benefit to me whatsoever to host a company for free on my website, particularly one that obviously has enough budget to hire a PR firm and is offering only a download that the winner would then have to pay to print themselves.

I'm sure you don't work for free to promote a brand, so neither do Bloggers who value themselves. Have a read of this post at Sleepless Nights and this one at Good Googs for more information.

Thanks for your time.

Glow

OK so I kinda talked myself up a bit - I've spoken at two conferences and only had three mentions in mainstream media but IT TOTALLY COUNTS, just ask my mum!

If your only compensation to me is the fact that I get some "fabulous new content" or that having your name on my site "adds value" to the blog then you can bite me. Like a hell of a lot of other Bloggers, I've got content coming out my ears and not enough hours in the day to write it all down. I'm not so desperately scraping the bottom of the creative barrel that doing a giveaway is the only reason I'll have a new post up.

Promoting a brand for free does not pay my bills and it does not "strengthen my relationship" with PR firms. On the contrary, it undermines it and teaches them that using Bloggers as doormats is the way to go. We have to remember that if they didn't think using Bloggers was valuable then THEY WOULDN'T BE PITCHING US. They see the value... but you're the one who has to put a price on it.

If all else fails, maybe we can all just sent them this awesome infographic by Jessica Hische :

Click to Enlarge {Source}

Would you work for free?


Agree? Share this post (yeah, I went there).

I don't get out of bed for less than a PR trip to Sydney

With all the talk about "Hi Blogger" and "I love your blog" PR pitches, you'd be forgiven for thinking that there isn't a single company that gets how Blogger engagement should work. But, there is.

Now I'm not suggesting every company should fly me to Sydney for their launches... oh hang on... yes I am. The standard has been set!

My whirlwind Norton One trip, in ADST just to confuse myself and my fellow Sandgropers:

2:00am - Took off from Perth airport

6:00am - Arrived at Sydney airport with a lot more baggage than I took off with, firmly packed below my eyes

7:00am - Attacked by a rogue seagull who was after my hashbrown. Fought him off with wild arm flailing and many F-bombs, much to the amusement of passing business people

7:30am - Met Carly of We Heart Life for breakfast! Pancakes on the Rocks at Darling Harbour FTW!

9:00am - Headed towards Circular Quay thanks to my iPhone and silently offered up a prayer to Steve Jobs as the little blue orb plodded along telling me I was going in the right direction

10:00am - Took obligatory touristy photos. Opera House? Check. Harbour Bridge? Check. Considered sending a postcard home to Tricky but instead spent my money on a much needed Red Bull

11:00am - Met up with the divine Mama Grace for chai lattes or whatever it is Sydney people drink, and pretty awesome shits and giggles

11:30am - Meet up with Brenda and have a mini freak out that DPCON12 is upon us!

12:00pm - Head to Cafe Sydney with Grace, Brenda and Cassie then had to pick my jaw up off the floor after seeing the view. Decide to keep my sunglasses on to appear more like a rockstar... it fails and I just look like an idiot so I take them off

12:30pm - Sucked in as much knowledge as I could about protecting my little family from Cyber Crime from the amazing Norton team while sipping wine and eating the most delicious food I've ever had. Stare in awe at these guys who aren't doing the hard sell, aren't fearmongering, and aren't talking "at" me. These guys get it, and they do it so well. Amazing conversation with bloggers from small blogs, big blogs, funny blogs, personal blogs, you name it. Hats off to you, Norton.

2:00pm - Learned about the soon to be released Norton One system that will protect all your equipment from spyware, malware, trojan attacks, hacked websites and more, plus backup safety. Chuck on your iPhone, your Android devices, your PC and your Mac... all on the one membership (when I told Map Guy he almost wet himself with excitement - he's such a geek)

3:00pm - Headed off with Zoey to Max Brenner and got 'stood up' by Lizosaurus who fell asleep and Rah who got held up at work. Sulked off without tasting any of the famed chocolate. Geeez people how often am I in Sydney? Set a fucking alarm!!! Still love you, it's OK.

4:00pm - Went back to annoy Grace and Brenda, who on hearing my Max Brenner tale of woe determined to take me back and fulfill my chocolately wishes... after stealing power from the library to charge our phones and taking pictures of a random man dressed in bow ties sleeping on the couch

6:00pm - Jumped in a taxi and headed back to the airport and made a bee line for Krispy Kreme like all deprived WA people do.

8:00pm - Waved goodbye to Sydney

1:00 am - Arrived back in Perth exhausted, aching but exhilarated.

All up, I was away for 23 hours and spent only 14 of those on the ground. That's not just whirlwind, that's freakin' rockstar, baby!

The fabulous people at Norton have given me two Norton 360 (version 6 packs) valued at $130 each, to give away that will give you one year of protection for up to three PCs. To enter, all you have to do is leave a comment below telling me what you think the biggest threat to your personal information is. Are you afraid of hackers, identity theft, losing all your photos? Tell Aunty Glow and she'll make it all better... well Norton will, but I'll totally take credit for it.

Grab an extra entry or two by mentioning the competition on Facebook and Twitter by tagging me!

Massive thanks to Digital Parents for inviting me, I had a fabulous time! Perth people never get invited anywhere so I truly appreciate all the effort that went in to getting me there.





Entry is open to everyone. Entries close at 10pm AEDST on 13th April 2012 at which time four winners will be chosen based on creativity. Make sure you sign in to the comment platform with a valid email address/twitter handle or leave your details as part of your comment so you can be contacted. Winners have one week to reply to notification, failing that, the prize will be redrawn. Enter glowless@wheresmyglow.com in to your contacts to make sure it doesn't go through to spam!! The prize is provided by Norton and is not transferable or redeemable.

I Got Flown To Adelaide And All I Got Was This Lousy Ego Boost

I have just got back from a whirlwind trip to Radelaide with my BBFF (Best Bloggy Friend Forever) Georgia from Parental Parody. How whirlwind? Well, I'm glad you asked. From take off to final landing was a mere 30 hours. I was unaware, until that point, how much you can actually fit in to such a short time period, especially when sans-child. The next time you do a 30 hour out of state trip try to do the following:

• Get told off for talking too much during the safety demonstration on the plane. Blame your travel companion's mother who has made you each a "Survival Kit & Barf Bag" containing a mini Jim Beam, a packet of chips, a chocolate bar, a scratchie and the all important paracetamol and Berocca for the morning after!
  
  
• Walk for absolute miles past innumerable number of homeless people, possibly comatose drunks and laneways with the heady aroma of stale urine (in heels!) because the receptionist has given you the wrong directions to the markets that she also forgot to mention aren't actually open on a Sunday. To make up for it, find a great little Chinese restaurant and order some lovely meals and some "Chaaaaar Don Aaaaay" for $4. Please note that drinking of said $4 "Chaaaaar Don Aaaaay" will not make your feet hurt any less.
  
  
• Take an iPad with you, even though you don't have 3G connectivity and use it as a fancy pants note pad. Feel free to shit stir your travel companion who uses ye olde paper and pen to cover the fact that you should really be doing that too but after a $4 "Chaaaaar Don Aaaaay" you can't read your own writing.
• Go to dinner with some lovely Adelaide bloggers Kellie, Tatum, Lauren, Bianca, Fi, Jodie and Alyce. Have your travel companion introduce herself as not only a blogger but your personal assistant in charge of holding hand bags and fending off the paparazzi. That way, when you remind her that she should write about something funny that just happened everyone will think you're getting her to take notes FOR YOU and think you're either slightly cool or a complete bitch.
  
  
• Find a 24hour pancake parlour and go there with said travel companion and brand new friends Tatum and Lauren. Make stupid jokes, come up with fabulous ideas for guest posts, laugh so much you cry, meet an amazing LadyBoy waitress who laughs at your dumb jokes and joins in on your fun all at 10pm in a particularly seedy part of town. Of course the eating of pancakes or waffles is compulsory.
  
  
• Attend an awesome brunch held by Kelloggs who have paid for you to fly all the way over there but don't actually demand you write anything about them in return. Speak about sugar, salt and fibre. Get quoted on twitter as saying "Sugar doesn't make you fat... sitting on your arse and eating shit makes you fat". Be told that your hair looks fabulous and take numerous requests for a vlog on how to achieve your particular look. Feel your head swell with ego but make a mental note to not let it swell too much lest your hair doesn't sit right any more. Say plenty of great-to-meet-you's and lovely-to-see-you-again's to some fantastic women and really, truly mean it.
  
  
• Have a quick look around Rundle Mall so you can pose with the giant balls and the pigs while you wonder if tax money gets spent on public art just so tourists can take compromising photos with each piece. See the world's most amazing busker - a burly bikie playing classical music on the flute - and give him all your coins for being the best walking contradiction you've ever seen.
  
  
• Look down at your enormous, painfully engorged breasts as it comes on the 26th hour away from your breastfeeding toddler. Marvel that while your rack looks completely amazing, you would do almost anything to relieve the pressure and consider hand expressing in a Maccas toilet.
• Arrive home to a gorgeous husband and child, your parents and your sister who have all chipped in to help you have an amazing 30 hours free of your usual responsibilities. Thank them and tell them about your trip while you shove your child, who seems to have forgotten you but not your ability to produce milk, to your breasts to relieve the discomfort. Wait til they all leave or go to sleep before you break out the Haigh's chocolate and enjoy it while you think about what a kick ass trip you just had and that you feel like a total rock star. 

And if you're wondering what spending 30 straight hours with me is like... this is what Georgia looked like as the plane landed:

Get me away from this crazy Glow!

How To Create a Kick Ass Media Kit that Glows

Oh hello, fancy seeing you here. Are you here for the all the boob and lady parts talk? No? Oh right, maybe the post where I rant about dickhead doctors or my boy's wonky noggin? Hrmm not that either? OK how about the schmaltzy posts that are obviously written when I'm high on hormones? Wow not that either! Oooh I know why you're here. The kick ass media kit!

If you were at Blogopolis or were following #nnb2011 you might have heard that Andrew Hughes of Reprise Media mentioned that I had a good media kit. He went as far as saying it was better than some of the professional ones he's seen. Woah. That's one hell of a compliment, I had no idea it was coming and it left me blushing (though I was also having an allergic reaction to seafood at the time so maybe it was just that).

If I hadn't been sucking down on antihistamines I would have taken a screen capture of all the tweets that followed and stuck it on my mirror instead of those "You're a wonderful, worthy person" post it notes that are meant to send you down the path of enlightenment. Because a wall of Tweets from other people saying you rock absolutely kicks "Live each day to the fullest" to the kerb.

My inbox has been jam packed full of requests to see it ever since. I have shared my media kit, sponsorship request letters and the like with lots of Bloggers before because it's only fair I pass on the knowledge that was shared with me when I was starting out.

So here we go... this won't be what you're expecting...

Why yes that IS my award smack bang in the centre
so you know right away I'm awesome!

There was one person who was amazingly helpful when I first started looking for sponsorship, who sent me her kit and then looked over mine when I'd put only the smallest of personal touches on it (like my then follower count of 82). That woman is Tina Gray from TinaGray{dot}Me and the PR Friendly Aussie Blog Directory.

It's been about a year since Tina looked over my kit and gave it a nod of approval. In that time it has changed a lot and morphed in to something that is truly my own. The flesh is different but the bones of it? Well they are still the same and it would be dishonest of me to claim that I am some fancy pants media kit creator when it was her framework that I built upon.

Now I bet you weren't expecting an attention whore like me to say that, were you?

I encourage you all to check out Tina's eBook about how to create a media kit and then build on it so that you end up with a finished product that reflects you and your blog.

All I can add was the feedback I received from Andrew about why he liked it. He said I "communicate all of the important things that I needed to know quickly and up front – then all of the detail was there If I wanted".

In my now infamous kit I have all the important stuff on the front page including:

• a section about my blog written in my usual "blog voice" so up front you know I'm rather tongue-in-cheek. I will admit this less than professional tone could lose me some business, but I want a company to know what I'm like
• a section about me, also written in my usual "blog voice"
• a section about my audience demographics and level of reader engagement in a more professional tone (well as professional as someone like me can get)
• a section about why a company should choose to go with me as a Mummy Blogger
• a table with all my stats and where they came from 

Yep, all of that one ONE PAGE. If you can't fit that all on one page you're saying too much. If a company likes what they see there, they can flip over and read more. If you make them go searching through a massive kit for the information they need, chances are they'll pop you in the 'too hard basket'.

Over the next five pages (ya-huh, it's loooong!) I have:

• links to the websites I've been featured on and a list of the magazines I've been featured in
• a list of the awards I've won (OK so it was only one but it totally deserves a section)
• a testimony page showing reader engagement and praise for my sarcasm writing 
• terms and conditions of running a review/giveaway/sponsored post and links to examples of each
• sponsorship packages currently available and a summary of previous ones
• advertising rates and payment options
• contact details

So there you have it. Anticlimactic much?

I wanna say a massive thank you to everyone who linked to me in their Blogopolis wrap ups and of course to Andrew for mentioning me in the first place. My site stats have jumped about 25% because of it and it's both  completely awesome and overwhelming at the same time. My ego is so freakin big right now that I'm needing a neck brace to support my fat head. So, um, in closing, if you're a blogger, go make your Media Kit Glow. If you're a company... you should totally sponsor me to go to BlogHer12 with Zoey and Louisa.