I'm with the band

After eleven years together, you'd think I'd know all there is to know about my husband. 

I know his favourite bands, foods, drinks, activities, sports, and yaddah, yaddah, yaddah. Well, most of the time I do. I think. Let's not test me on it, OK?

So it came as a HUGE shock to me to find out that MapGuy was in a band when he was in highschool. I knew he was in the school band, but he also rocked out, the way hormonal teenage boys do, in a grunge band.

"This totally ups your street cred. How did you play trumpet in a rock band though?"

"I was the lead singer"

"Oooh that's a bit sexy. Until I remember you were underage at the time. Yeah, not sexy any more. At least you weren't the bass player. What was your band called?"

"Lesbian Sumo."

"Wait. What?"

"Lesbian Sumo."

"BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

I had so many questions, but all I could do was laugh and mock him mercilessly. Which is what marriage is all about, isn't it?

Any surprises from your partner?

How Not To Ruin Your Marriage: Lesson Three - Money

Money

Welcome to lesson three of How Not To Ruin Your Marriage. Today we'll discuss the big kahuna... moolah!

The stuff that doesn't grow on trees, that can't buy love or happiness and definitely can't buy a sense of style or taste, can quite easily have you fretting, making stupid decisions and land you in the dog house with your spouse.

I've compiled a list of five tips and tricks, based on my own disastrous experiences, to help you navigate the world of money in relationships:

• When going to buy some 'too good to be true bargain rims with new tyres' (so that you can get rid of the rims and have a new set of tyres), and the seller tells you "Oh no, it's just the rims"... DO NOT BUY THEM BECAUSE YOU FELT BAD FOR THE SELLER! They will just end up taking up valuable space in the shed because really, who the fuck wants a set of Kia rims? Your wife will hold this expensive and yet worthless purchase over you for a long, long time, so best not to do it.
• Don't take the 'out of sight, out of mind' approach to parking tickets. If you settle them when you first get them it will ensure your husband doesn't have to urgently go all the way to the state court to clear it up for you and pay a penalty to stop you losing your license 
• On booking a buck's night, obtain RSVPs before paying out almost $1000 in tickets and transport for the event. When you're left out of pocket by nearly $800 it's likely your wife will make earrings out of your testicles then sell them on Etsy in an effort to recoup the loss
• Check your bank account before doing the grocery shopping lest you be sending frantic texts to your husband asking for a money transfer while the other shoppers gives you death stares for holding up the line right before school pick up time. This simple step not only helps you avoid the embarrassment of a rejected card but also stops you getting cranky at your husband for not getting the message and rescuing you because he was in a meeting earning money so you could buy said groceries
• Try to refrain from sending a picture message to your wife of the car you just bought without any discussion, saying "This is our new car, hope you like green". If you'd like to buy something that large without telling her, put a huge mofo bow on it and voila, not only is it longer an issue, but you're the best husband ever

Can money ruin a relationship? Does anyone want to buy some mint condition Kia rims for $200?

How Not To Ruin Your Marriage: Lesson Two

Anniversaries

Later this week it will be four years since Map Guy and I tied the knot in front of our family and friends.

We're not really in to the whole gift giving thing for anniversaries, probably because we're both really stingey. Instead we like to do something nice for each other like cook a special dinner and have a candle lit bath.

To commemorate these four fabulous years, I've come up with some tips and tricks that will help you choose the anniversary gift for your significant other so that they won't be heading for the divorce lawyer's office the next day.

Tips for HIM

Do: Surprise her with a lovely night in a hotel
Don't: Surprise her with a lovely night in a hotel and not organize a babysitter

Do: Make a romantic dinner of her favourite meal
Don't: Make a romantic dinner of her favourite meal and leave her to do the dishes all alone

Do: Massage her aching shoulders
Don't: Massage her aching shoulders while digging your erection in to her back

Do: Get her something she's always wanted, like a charm bracelet or a pair of earrings
Don't: Get her something you've always wanted her to have, like the instructional DVD 'The Ultimate Guide to Blow Jobs'

Do: Give her a stunning pearl necklace
Don't: Give her a stunning pearl necklace and then waggle your eyebrows and say you'll give her another one later

Tips for HER

Do: Put out
Don't: Not put out

What do you get your spouse for your anniversary?

How Not To Ruin Your Marriage: Lesson One

Welcome to the first in an ongoing series of How Not To Ruin Your Marriage posts, complete with button. Yay for buttons!

Being married for all of four years of course makes me an expert in such matters, just as being a mother for a millisecond means I can give advice for all sorts of parenting dilemmas, and a ten day trip to Thailand means I'm qualified to preach Buddhism.

In today's lesson we're going to learn how not to speak to your wife when it comes to weight and shape, with an example from the delicious yet at times dickheaded, Map Guy, plucked straight out of our Easter weekend.

Read. Cringe. Enjoy. Laugh. But most of all, share this with your husbands and partners so that they may learn.
___ . . . ___ . . . ___

Me: I'm always going to have a bit of a pot belly, I've had a baby, half of it's stretched skin

Map Guy: Yeah, just look at Miranda Kerr and Heidi Klum's pot bellies... oh wait.

Me: *DEATH STARE*

Map Guy: What I meant was...

Me: *DEATH STARE*

Map Guy: They're obviously genetic freaks...

Me: Lemme get you a shovel so you can dig that hole a little deeper

Map Guy: Um.... I love you?

Me: Fuck off and die

What would you have done? Grounds for justifiable homicide?

If you'd like your idiocy to be included in a How Not To Ruin Your Marriage lesson email glowless@wheresmyglow.com. Where's My Glow doesn't discriminate between idiots, so you don't have to actually be married or even straight to submit.