What's a People

January 14, 2015 Heather Anne Campbell

HELLO. Since 2036, people have become scarce. Former rulers of the earth, The People once resided in the foolishly organized cities and towns, and wasted enormous amounts of earth’s natural construction space on trees and plants and water. You might think that since cities and plants and water are gone, people would be, too! They’re not. They can be difficult to identify, however. For robots assembled after 2029, it’s sometimes hard to tell what’s a people and what is dog or chair. With this in mind, Robot Government the Second has produced the following guide to what’s a people. Whether you are looking for people to be a friend, or hunting people for sport, or just interested in seeing people before they’re all gone (why aren’t they making more?), this guide is for you.

How can people be identified when no two look alike? Some have one eye, some have two. Some wear clothes; some are small and crush easily. They can have up to ten fingers (though very unlikely, as people are always losing fingers and hair). Perhaps the best way to determine what is a people is by the sound they make; a characteristic noise called a scream.

Robots should be able to tell what’s a people with a basic visual scan. The following quiz will help you learn what’s a people!

CONGRATULATIONS ROBOT!

You have finished the Robot’s Guide to What’s a People. Now that you know, you will never forget. Enjoy the people while they last! The next time you see one, take a moment to say HELLO. If red comes out of their ears, it means they heard you!

This article was originally published May 2012

How to be a Spy

February 1, 2013 Heather Anne Campbell

The Occasional's Definitive Guide to: Espionage, Coverts Operations, Covert Ops, Being Covert, Double Agents, Surveillance, Interrogation, Deception, Lexicon, and Other Things Your Government Does Not Want You to Know

With the success of Homeland, Zero Dark Thirty and Skyfall, the world is going spy crazy! How can you spy up your life? This will serve as an introduction to the dos and don’ts of becoming, spotting and loving spies

How to Dress like a Spy

First things first, you need to look like a spy in order to spy on things. You can get a tuxedo and a wet suit, sure. But what if you can’t afford these expensive items? Then here’s an alternative that will get you into any government party or international grey zone.

Buy two hula hoops and a large sheet of cardboard, and some red, black, and white paint. (Sometimes you can find cardboard for free behind Pier One; they get a lot of big shipments.)
Build a three-dimensional disc out of the hula hoops and cardboard, and cut five holes in it along the circumference at equal distances.
Paint one side of the disc red and the other side black. Around the rim of the disc, alternate red and black in a roulette pattern.
Finally, paint “$10,000” in the middle of both sides of the disc. Let it dry. Then, climb inside the disk and stick your head, arms, and legs through each of the holes.
Congrats! You’re a casino chip. Walk into any party and tell people you’ll be at the tables. Don’t move too fast or the hula hoops will make that sandy shuffling noise and give you away. SPY MODE ACTIVATED!

WHICH PIECE OF FURNITURE IN YOUR HOUSE IS A SPY?

The first thing a spy must do is protect on the domestic front. Even your home could be filled with double agents.

Suspicious of your couch? Here’s how to interrogate it to make sure it’s on your side.

Suspend your couch from the ceiling by binding its legs. Splash cold water on it, and ask it when it last saw Bin Laden. If the couch refuses to cooperate, sexually humiliate it by pulling off its lining in front of a woman. Take photos of your couch’s genitals with an instant camera. Burn a copy of the Ikea catalogue in front of it, and tell your couch it has been abandoned by God. Sleep-deprive your couch by blasting Queensryche and Do The Bartman for 72 hours, then confuse it into cooperation by offering it a nice lunch. When the couch finally offers up a lead, render it to Libya, where it will never be heard from again. Follow up by broadcasting to the world that your policies represent modern democracy, justice and fairness. Sell the story of your couch’s interrogation to Hollywood, and cross your fingers that it gets made into a film by the woman who got an amazing performance out of Bill Paxton in a vampire movie.

CREATIVE COMMON SPY PHRASES FOR USE THE FIELD

By now, your home should be safe. Before venturing out, make sure you've mastered the following.

Can’t come up with your own code phrases? These phrases are available under the creative commons license; make sure your contact has the appropriate response phrase.

“The crow rides a larger crow at 7 p.m.”
RESPONSE: “That’s ridiculous, but OK.”

“15, 20, 21, red.”
RESPONSE: “I thought it was 22.”

“How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?”
RESPONSE: “How did you get in my bedroom?”

“Sure are a lot of websites these days.”
RESPONSE: “Yep. Sure are.”

“There are too many toilets in this town.”
RESPONSE: “Yeah, but just enough assholes.”

Spy Recipes

Got that? Great, but it's still not enough. You're going to have to rely on not just your words, but your guile.

Whether or not you’re a spy, you can eat and drink like one! Here are a couple recipes to get you started eating like a spy.

Chocolate Chip Cookies

1 Cup Butter

1 Cup Sugar

1 Cup Packed Brown Sugar

2 Eggs

2 Teaspoons Vanilla Extract

3 Cups All-Purpose Flour

1 Teaspoon Baking Soda

1 Tablespoon Cyanide

2 Teaspoons Hot Water

½ Teaspoon Salt

2 Cups Semisweet Chocolate Chips

1 Cup Chopped Walnuts

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C if you’re in eastern Europe like you should be).

2. Combine ingredients, using the hot water to dissolve the baking soda and cyanide.

3. Bake for 10 minutes in preheated oven, until golden-brown.

4. Give cookies to impostor prime minister, run.

5. Fire-bomb apartment complex where you made the cookies.

Martini

1 Ounce Vodka

Dry Vermouth

Ice

Ask bartender to combine ingredients in a shaker. Tell him to serve it “straight up; do I look like a joker?” Make sure to call the bartender “a real joker,” and wear platform shoes so that you are taller and, thus, older. Drink martini while pointing at the bartender, make a “gunshot” sound, and put the empty glass on the bar. Walk away after saying, “Such a joker.” Make out with two adult ladies.

That's it. Everything you need to know. But if you're pressed for time, here's a crash course.

HOW TO BECOME A SPY

Go to another country.
Hide.
Write down everything you see in code. 1 = B, Giraffe = Triangle, etc.
Send code to the Pentagon. Do not include a key.
Kill yourself. A spy is never captured alive.
Show message history

This article was originally published February 2013

How to Fight a Trash Can

July 1, 2012 Heather Anne Campbell

Uh Oh.

Not again.

You’ve just woken up covered in garbage.

You know what happened. You and your trash can fought last night. You’re lucky you even made it to the bedroom; we both remember the time it took you to task in the driveway, and you woke up on the lawn with mashed up bits of banana in your hair.

Well, my friend, today you’re going to learn how to fight a trash can. Follow these simple steps and your driveway/kitchen/bathroom/neighbor’s driveway will crackle like an MMA ring in Vegas. Only you’ll be the guy who knows how to fight, and that Trash Can will be the other guy who gets punched over and over again in viral montages scored with Nickleback songs.

Step One

Sneak up on your trash can

Your trash can is almost always ready to fight, so it’s best to start with a sneak attack. Keep low to the ground, knees bent. Imagine your feet are made of sponge. Maybe they are; you don’t know. It’s been awhile since you looked down. If you lose your balance and fall, lay there until your trash can thinks you’re dead. If someone else walks by, whisper that you’re dead, and insist that they leave.

Step Two

Kick the lid off

The fastest way to disorient a trash can is to knock its lid off. So kick! If you lose a shoe, leave it behind. Take a moment to see if you have sponge feet. Don’t? Good. That means the trash can hasn’t cut off your feet and replaced them while you sleep. Kick that can. But be careful; trash cans can release a special powder. Hold your breath until you see static. Repeat your mantra: This Only Looks Crazy to Other People.

Step Three

Intimidate the trash can

Now you’ve got the upper hand. It’s time to demoralize that trash can. Start yelling. Insults that work well on trash cans include, “YOU DON’T KNOW ME!” and “I’M THE WHOLE ALPHABET!” If you’re in your neighbor’s driveway fighting his trash can, call it by his last name. For example, “LOOK AT ME, PETERSON! TODAY, WE MEET GOD TOGETHER!” You can also intimidate your neighbor’s trash can by hurling insults at your neighbor’s kids. For some reason, this really upsets your neighbor’s trash can.

Step Six

Punch your neighbor

Screw the other steps. We’re going to six. Your neighbor has been hypnotized by the trash can. He’s coming at you. For his safety, drop him with one punch and run at the trash can at full speed. There’s only one more round in this battle, and you’re not gonna leave with a loss.

Step Seven

throw the trash can into the street

VICTORY

Congrats. You’ve successfully fought a trash can. You’re a hero! If your neighbor disagrees, tell him you were joking about his kids. If he still insists he’s gonna call the cops, look for a new place to live. The trash cans have brainwashed everyone on the block. You can’t save them all.

This article was originally published July 2012