Shout Out of the Day

People may see me laughing like nothing happened but what they are not aware of is that I still carry the pain of your passing.

*Exactly four months ago today. :(

24th

I wasn't in the mood to do anything today because

1. I stayed late to make birthday-salubong while eating Snickers
2. I'm in a bit of sunggod-mode because my mother is sort of busy with other people (drama much?)
3. I am not really keen on celebrating my birthday because of the recent death of my one and only sibling. Having fun with the family will only make me sad because it brings back painful memories of his sudden death less than four months ago.
   

Nevertheless, I cannot stop people from showing their love so we ended up having chicken adobo for lunch (thanks to my father's cousin for the chicken), ice cream and cake in the afternoon and a different chicken menu and valenciana for dinner. Life is good!

I know I'm having roller coaster of emotions for the past few days (maybe because it's my first birthday without my brother) but I am still thankful for all the blessings I received. I never thought that I'd last this long without going crazy because of sadness, grief and guilt (for acting like a spoiled little sister and for not spending more time with him). But then, I'm surrounded with a lot of people who show so much love and support so that makes grieving a little less painful.

Aside from overwhelming greetings through text and facebook posts, I also got a "birthday card" from my beloved nephew. It's not actually a traditional card but drawing of stick figures of me and him in a piece of paper I gave him a few weeks ago. I also got another "card" from another nephew upon learning that his cousin gave me something for my birthday. Those two never fail to make me smile always.

Another gift came from my office buddy - drawing of a girl holding a balloon. I'm not sure if the girl really looks like me but the hair and the shape of the lips can pass (peace! :P). Anyway, I'm still pleased with the drawing because at least he spent time and effort for that (and I envy him for being so good at drawing)... Thanks Leo! :)

This year's birthday maybe not be as fun as last year but as long as I'm with the people I love most and knowing that many relatives and friends remember me, it's more than enough.

My Happiness

I'll be celebrating my 24th birthday in the next few days so I'm thinking of giving myself tribute in the form of blog posts about myself. My first birthday-related post is about happiness.

I'm a naturally happy person but sad to say, many people often label me as snob, bitchy and intimidating. Well maybe if they only know what makes me happy, they'll not think of me as such. That explains why I'm enumerating here the things that can really paint a smile on my face...

• Being with my family and knowing that they are all okay.
• Waking up in the morning without having to worry that I'll be late for work.
• Talking (or listening to them talk) to my naughty and inquisitive nephews and nieces.
• My mother's tasty dishes like estofado, creamy chicken macaroni soup, valenciana and a lot more. (might make a separate post about it)
• Looking at old photographs.
• Hanging out with my hilarious friends.
• Getting positive feedbacks from my boss.
• Eating fruits - apple, guyabano, pineapple and more. I love fruits!
• Biking, running... being sweaty!
• Long night walks
• Nature-tripping
• Newly changed bed sheet, pillow cases and blanket.
• The smell of newly trimmed grass.
• The smell of rice plants being harvested.
• Good books
• Not slacking
• Clean toenails
• Shoes with super comfortable insoles (Good for me because I self-diagnosed me with plantar fasciitis) :P

• Carpeted floor (so that I can walk barefoot)
• My social networking accounts and this blog.
• Gummy candies
• Mirrors
• Sunnies

Pretty lame list but what can I do? Those things are making me happy. As what we, Filipinos, say, "mababaw ang kaligayahan".

Great Week-ender

I love Fridays! I always feel ecstatic and restless every time this day comes. Even if it is still a working day (unless otherwise declared by the government or the company), it is my favorite because for me, it signifies a better tomorrow, literally. Who doesn't love weekends by the way? In addition, Friday also gives me the opportunity to wake up a bit late especially if I wasn't late in going to work from Monday to Thursday (three lates in a week is subject for investigation and sanction in our company). Unlike other working days, I can sleep as late as I can during Friday nights and can wake up as late as I can too the next day.

And what is better way to end the day than some positive remarks from your boss? This skype conversation of me and my client really made my day. I find these conversations really uplifting and motivating. It feels good to have a boss who treats you not just as someone on his payroll but also a friend... a daughter.

This weekend is gonna be busy for me because it is the feast day of Sta. Rita de Cascia, one of my mom's favorite saints and also the patron saint of the area where I grew up so definitely I'll be spending the day there. It is also my niece 3rd birthday so I might join her party as well. Sunday is bonding time with my friends.

Now I need to finish some tasks before finally saying, "Happy Friday everyone!"

Answered Questions

For over two months now, I have been asking questions that I feel like nobody can answer. These questions have been making me feel miserably guilty especially when I am alone on my bed at night. If left unanswered, it'll definitely creep into my sanity and render me useless. But I never have to feel the same anymore because in a way, I have found answers to the questions that are slowly eating me.

No, I haven't found them. They found me... err… he found me! At around 2:00 am, I dreamt of something or someone that I have been dreaming to dream about - my one and only sibling who passed away over two months ago. The scene is still clear in my mind. First scene shows my relatives and friends teasing me about something. But I didn't feel alone because I saw myself leaning on him; he's whispering something to me. It's as if he's alive! Then the scene changed all of a sudden - it shows the time when he is back from the dead... or at least back to visit us.

Here's how our conversation goes:

Me: Did you hear us waking you up?
Him: Yes
Me: Why didn't you wake up?
Him: I can't wake up.
Me: Are you mad at us?
Him: No. I'll be back tomorrow.

After that conversation, I saw him with eyes closed (exactly the same way when I saw him at the hospital) but this time he is not on the hospital bed. I can see unknown hands lifting him as if to transfer him to somewhere. (Too bad I wasn't able to ask him where he is exactly at or if he is happy wherever he is.)

Surprisingly, I wasn't crying when I woke up. I opened my eyes hoping that I can catch a glimpse of him if he is around but to no avail. I uttered my thank you (for reaching out to me) and contemplate on what he is trying to tell me or what the dream means. I believe it's his way of telling me to move on and not worry about him. And what made me lighten up more are his last words, "I'll be back tomorrow." It made me a bit hopeful that I'll be seeing him again and again, even in dreams or in other ways to make his presence felt.

Though he is physically gone, I am assured that I have one big bro watching over me and who promised to be back the next day (even if that next day means the next time I need a lift again.).

Forever Missed, Forever Loved

It has been exactly one month after my brother Lawrence passed away. His death came as a surprise for us because he never gave us signs or warnings even just a day before he died. That made it more difficult for us to accept his passing. He left us without telling us or letting us know what he's feeling, if he's sick or what.

Though I always try my best to look at the bright side of life, I still can't help but question the events. There are so many people on their sickbeds waiting for death to end their misery... people in prisons who deserve life sentence. Of all people why him? He has not yet fully enjoyed his earthly life. If he was gravely ill a few days before he died, we might have prepared ourselves. We might have bid him farewell and let him know that he is loved. It would have been easier for us to accept because we know that he is prepared for his final departure.

It has been a month but yet the memory is still fresh. I can vividly recall my uncle calmly telling me that he's gone... Seeing him in the emergency room covered in white cloth... not moving... lifeless! The thought of him gone keeps on breaking my heart again and again and again. I think it will never stop breaking. I wonder how long am I gonna stay this way. I know he doesn't want to know that I'm emotionally troubled right now but I can't help it. I can't help not to grieve for the loss of someone who loved me in his own special way.

Brother bear, wherever you are, please make your presence felt. Please let me know how are you doing right now. I hope you know that everyday I think of you. I'll forever miss and love you...

If Only...

Today is the 17th day after my one and only sibling stopped breathing... 5th day after he was taken to his final resting place. Though friends are telling me to move on, I cannot deny the fact that the pain I am feeling right now is as fresh as ever. His death is so sudden that it hit me like a bullet. We weren’t able to say goodbye to each other... we weren’t able to settle whatever score that needs to be settled... and most of all, I wasn’t able to tell him how much I love him despite of what he is.

He wasn’t the typical older brother or the perfect older brother figure. In fact, I was more like the older one when talking about being responsible. He is often misunderstood, even by me sometimes, but his being different is what made him special to us.

He may not have my self-confidence, my intelligence or the will to succeed but he has the patient to understand his often moody, authoritarian and sometimes self-centered younger sister. He prioritizes his younger sister above himself. His friend even quoted him saying, "what's important is my younger sister". Those phrases broke my heart into pieces...

He may not be the best older brother most people want to have but his love for me and my mother is remarkable. If I want scrambled egg, I can easily get it without having to lift a finger. If I want green mangoes, he’d gladly pick the best one for me. If I want a massage, he’d willingly do it not just for Php 20 or a bottle of Mt. Dew but more importantly, for his tired younger sister.

Every time he finds out that I’m sick, he becomes sick of worry and will do anything to help take good care of me. If I don’t have money to pay for something, he’ll offer whatever small amount he has (or even offer to sell his chickens and lend me the money from it).

If only I can bring back the time, I’d to what I can to make things right... to make him feel that he is loved and valued despite of his weaknesses. I’d spoil him like an older sister would spoil her baby brother. I will set aside my role as the younger one, the one that needs to be pampered.

If only I can bring him back for only a day or even just an hour... I’d do whatever it takes.

Best Foot Forward

I love my body. Not that I have a to-die-for one but for obvious reason that this is the only body that I have. With my slim built, I stand five feet and six inches (which is usually the envy of my friends). There is no part of my body that I hate but there are also parts that would make me happier if they would have been beautiful. Nevertheless, I am still thankful that I have a complete set of hands, feet, organs and everything function as it should be... or so I think. And if I need to pick one part of my body that I'd be most proud to display, I guess I'd pick my feet. Not that I have an ugly face but I'd be more than willing to show the world my feet than my face. I love to look at it when I'm wearing a mary-jane type shoes or flat pumps. I love it more when it is neatly pedicured and colored with red blood nail polish. I even sometimes wish to model shoes not only to expose what I'm most proud of but also to get freebies and sponsorship (wishful thinking).

And since I fancy beautiful feet, it turns me off big time to see dirty feet in addition to dirty and long toenails. You may be the most elegantly-dressed person around but when I look down and see your disgusting feet, don't expect that I'll ever look at you again... kidding! Of course I do not judge a person aesthetically (much more by his/her feet) but I truly admire those who keep theirs clean and pleasant to look at.

I believe it is important for boys and girls alike or man and woman alike to have clean feet because for me, it reveals much of their personality. Someone once told me that one of the ways to determine if a person has good hygiene is to check out his/her feet. And I couldn't agree more!

I can go out and still be confident without make-up but I can't definitely feel the same when I have dirty feet and unpedicured nails. Nuff said!

(Inspired by a good-looking young girl whose feet I do not like)

010110

Though I started the year with a lazy and windy day, I know I will not go through the same mood throughout the year. I believe there will be sunny days as well as rainy days for me too!

And since I do not want to let the first day of the year ends without posting something, I gathered my thoughts and assess what I want to achieve this year. I want to call this list my "goals for 2010" instead of the more commonly used New Year’s resolution.

1. SAVE!!
   I am planning to start a big project by the middle of the year and naturally, I need money to support the said project. I will minimize lavish meals, avoid buying things that are not really important and just be wise when buying things.
   
   
2. Do household chores.
   I am absolutely not a spoiled brat but when it comes to household chores, I rarely do any because I have such a loving mother who wants to do everything for us. I will try to learn how to cook (not just fry), do the laundry (though laundry detergent damages my hands), iron clothes and clean the house more often.
   
   
3. Do the mani/pedi on my own.
   I admit I'm kinda vain when it comes to nails especially toenails. I just want it clean and nice to look at. But the sad thing is, I am not good (and kinda lazy) in doing manicure and pedicure on my own. I have to pay others to do it for me. I could save a lot of money (and keep my nails healthy) if I do it by myself.
   
   
4. Learn to do crafts.
   I am amazed by people who are good at various crafts such as knitting, crocheting, homemade accessories and others. These things will give me diversion from the daily grind in front of the computer. And besides, I can use the products as gift to others.
   
   
5. Work performance.
   I admit I found myself slacking from work lately. Not only I do not want a low evaluation but I also want to give my best considering that my current client is the best so far since I started working in my present company (also my first job after college).
   
   
6. Exercise.
   Exercise is needed not just by obese people but by people who used to have physically active lifestyle before introduced to the word "work" (that's me!). Apart from that, I find sweating a great way to relieve my stress and it also sets my mood right. Being such a moody person in addition to having a stressful job, I really need to exercise for the sake of my sanity.
   

These are the only goals I can think of so far. I will update this post if something pops in my mind.

Next year, 010111, I will go back to this post to determine the result of these goals.

Rush, Stress and Christmas

Christmas is my favorite time of the year (I believe I have mentioned that in my previous posts). I enjoy seeing colorful ornaments and sparkling Christmas lights everywhere and most of all, I love the mood Christmas season brings; cold yet you can feel the warmth through love of family and friends, get-together/reunions also known as catching up sessions and of course, the wide array of treats for everyone (minus the cholesterol, sugar and expanding waistline). Oh I just love Christmas!

But if there is one thing I hate... or perhaps I do not like about Christmas, it's the stress caused by rush, delay, road traffic and the long lines on counters, gift wrapping sections and ATMs.

Although I have started my Christmas shopping few days before now, I cannot avoid dropping by the mall to buy this and that. Just like what happened to me today. I dropped by the mall near my office to buy a gift for my friends who will exchange I do's tomorrow. Paying at the counter wasn't a problem so I immediately proceed to free gift wrapping section. Not liking what I see, I proceed to another gift wrapping section in which you have to buy the wrapper, box and all. I really believe that I'll be able to finish immediately because there are only few customers considering the fact that most people want to avail the free service. But boy I was wrong! The guy who is incharge of wrapping the gifts takes forever to finish one item. I want to grab my stuff and finish it myself but then, I am trying to stay in control. And what's worst is I heard them sort of making comments about not buying a ribbon for the gift. Damn! I want to yell at them... I can pay for ten ribbons if I want to. It's just that I am a practical customer and most especially, I am doing my best effort to minimize waste. These ribbons, after serving their purpose as decorations will surely end nowhere but in trashcans. Yes, it made the gift more attractive but is it helping the environment?

After that gift-wrapping experience comes the annoying cashier who referred us to another cashier for some reasons I cannot explain. Next is the woman sitting beside me inside the jeepney. Her long straight hair loves to dance in the air and from time to time slaps my face.

What a day! And because of these events, I suddenly felt like I want to lock myself inside the room... throughout the weekend. But then its Christmas... it's not a good idea to be grumpy. I hope I have the strength to control my temper for tomorrow’s events... the wedding and the company party right after the wedding.

Wish list

Simbang gabi (also called Misa de Gallo, Aguinaldo mass) has started yesterday so we can't deny that it's indeed Christmas time. I am not sure I can make it to one of the nine masses being such a sleepy-head and besides, it's too difficult to wake up in the morning considering the cold Christmas weather. Nevertheless, there is something I am sure of... my Christmas wish list.

1. Ray Ban Cats 5000
   I have been wishing for this for months now (see previous post). I would be very happy if I'll get this dream sunnies. But I don't think that this model is available here in our area and besides, I don't think I would spend much for this thing (it costs around US $100). I'd rather wait for someone to give me this as a gift. I hope waiting will not take until forever...
   
   
2. Running shoes
   I'm not a runner but I am planning to start running as soon as my schedule allows. My Chucks and mary jane type Skechers shoes are not appropriate for running so I definitely need one that is good for running.
   
   
3. Bike
   I have lots of reasons for wanting a bike:
   
   • It can get me to places (within our town) without spending much for transportation fare.
     
   • Biking is a great form of exercise.
     
   • I can bike around with my 4 year old nephew (he has a small bike already).
     
   
   

4. Bloody red long-lasting lipstick
   Although I do not party nor attend formal/red carpet events often, I'd be very happy to have this lipstick shade. Perhaps stars like Madonna and Lady Gaga influenced me with this.
   
   
5. Facial session
   My blackheads sometimes embarrass me and I know I have to do something about this... quick! But I am too busy or probably too lazy to idle around skin care centers to have my face done. But if it's paid by someone for me, I believe I can endure the long wait. :)
   
   
6. Amazon kindle
   Amazon kindle was released in the Philippines last October and I can't help but wish I have one. A friend is discouraging me buying this product but still... I want to have one.
   
   
7. Get-together and reunion with former schoolmates
   School is important to me so are the people and friends I met in school. Sadly, we became too busy with our own lives that we fail to spend time together as a group and have fun just like before. I hope we can find time to gather, be thankful for the blessings received this year and to prepare ourselves for more challenges next year.
   

Disclaimer: This list is subject to change without prior notice. ;)

The Only CATS I Love!

I am not a cat-person so this definitely has nothing to do with the four-legged creatures that purr. The CATS I am referring to here is one of the many models of Ray Ban Sunglasses. CATS 5000 is a new version of my all-time favorite, the Aviators. The new version comes in frames with varying colors with thin elongated temples bearing the brand's metal signature. To paraphrase the product description, "Don't be ordinary! Colorize your world and stand out in fun fashion colors... " Seems fun indeed! I am actually drooling seeing these beautiful sunnies... I believe the dark orange/brown gradient or the fuchsia/grey fade or any color makes perfect gift for Christmas... especially for me. :)



Photo credits:
ray-ban.com

She's Proud

I never thought that my post "Dear world" would make my friend proud of me (just saying...). She even made her own letter to Mother Earth. This is the least we can do to help.

Dear World...

Dear World,

For the past 23 years, you sheltered me with kindness. You provided me with air so that I can breath. You gave me light so that I will be able to do things that I need and want. You bring darkness to remind me that it's time to rest my weary body and prepare for the coming of new light. You even spared me from your threats that my brethren have experienced and are experiencing right now.

Oh my dear world, thank you for showing me how wonderful it is to be under your protection. But despite of what you did for me, sometimes I am taking you for granted. I know, like others, I also played some roles in your deterioration. It is possible that I have used cosmetic products that contain ingredients harmful to you. And though I am not involved in illegal logging or any sort of cutting trees activity, I am fully aware that I benefited from it. I benefit from using wooden furniture, I ate foods cooked using coals and of course, I am no stranger to pencil and paper. I also use plastic bags and sometimes, these plastic bags are burned along with dried leaves, branches of trees and other things that were once useful and valued.

With that, I am very sorry. I know I cannot change others dramatically so I started in my own little way. I promised to become serious in my attempts to minimize using things that can pose danger to you. I started living with the 3R rule in mind; reduce the amount and toxicity of trash I throw away, reuse containers, plastic wrappers and products and recycle as much as possible and buy products with recycled content.

I am hoping that others will give adequate attention and effort to save you - to bring back your luster and health. May the recent tragedies serve as an eye-opener, a wake up call to people around the globe. I will not beg you not to send anymore disaster but I am asking you to please spare those who are innocent, those who are not in any way involved in your destruction, those who have not provoked you to send such calamities. They do not deserve to be punished from other people's mistakes.

If you think that I deserve to be punished as well, so be it. I will gladly pay for what I did to you. I'd rather choose to disappear in the face of this planet than to see you vanish and leave us all homeless. You are irreplaceable.

Thank you.

Love,

Cecille

Wishful Thinking

I am grateful for having been blessed with a stable job but, there are times when my body... and perhaps my soul is yearning for something different, something exciting than just sitting in my chair and staring at my computer screen the whole day. I always wish that I’m a:

• Researcher for travel and living - The word "travel" says it all. I'd be the happiest person alive if I can travel even just one-fourth of the world (Europe tops the list). Having a work that has something to do with travel can give me the opportunity to go places without spending much.
• Archaeologist - Ancient architecture, landscapes, artifacts and history-rich places always fascinate me. I want to get a glimpse of life people live hundreds of years ago. And besides, I can also go to different places if I'm an archaeologist. (Working as archaeologist's assistant or secretary will be fine though.)
  
• Drummer - Think about the stress and tension you can release when beating or hitting something. And besides, body-moving drum beat has that effect on me.
  

• Dog behaviorist - This one is probably the effect of writing dog articles for two years. But isn't it great to be able to communicate with the most loyal friend in the world?
• Gymnast - Doing cartwheels without feeling dizzy is fun!
• Figure skater - Beautiful!
• Hockey Player - Inspired by Mighty Ducks Movies... lol!
  

I wish one day I can be what I’m wishing to be.