Oh, How He Loves Us

This whole journey to a real relationship with God that I have found myself on recently started with a random trip to the Hope Spoken conference a few months ago. I wrote a little about how I ended up there and my thoughts on it, but I'm not totally sure if I really wrote about my experience there. It is what changed everything for me. I saw a different side of what Christianity could be, how supportive Christian women could be, and the atmosphere was just amazing. I mean, it was beautiful outwardly, but the feeling throughout the entire conference was just so pure and comforting and welcoming, so many things that at that point I certainly did not relate with Christianity or God.

But even as amazing as it was, I still didn't feel it deep down in my soul the way I knew I could. Or should. I loved it so much, but I wasn't feeling that deep God connection that I had felt years and years ago when I was in that place, and on the last morning I was feeling a little let down at that. I thought, maybe it's just been so long that I can't get there? Maybe it's just not for me anymore? There was a time of praise and worship that last morning before the conference ended, and I was sitting at a table by myself, listening to all of these worship songs that I had never heard obviously, because I had been incredibly anti-Christian music for a solid 12 years. Some of them I really liked, and I would make note in my phone to download them. But none of them were touching me deeply.

And then finally, very close to the end, it happened. And I broke. And I cried. And cried. And all I could think was, God, I am so sorry. I am so incredibly sorry. Because the song that finally touched me and let me feel his presence was the song Oh How He Loves Us. And until that moment, I don't think I had ever truly thought about the fact that God actually loved me. And the fact that I had completely turned away from him for over a decade. Obviously as a mama, I thought about how I would feel if my boys walked away from me, wouldn't speak to me, said they didn't need me, didn't want me, didn't miss me - for 12 years. It broke my heart, just the thought. And I did that, I did that to God. Who loves me more than I can even imagine loving anyone or anything.

It blows my mind. All of it. I'm a super logical person who needs to understand things to believe them, I'm a researcher, I like to know the details about things. So it's been easy for me to just not totally believe for all these years. My thing was always, well, IF there's a God....because who can really truly prove to me that there is? 

But then, you feel it. For me, it's hard. It's super hard for me to feel that love, and I'm not sure why. But now that I'm a mama, I can understand it. I can feel it in that way, as a mother loves her child, God loves me. Really? Yes. Really. Once you've felt it, I think you always have a longing for it. Once you've felt the true love of God, there's always a yearning to get back to that place, to experience it again. And it's hard. I'm hoping that's something that will change as I continue down this path, that I don't have to try so hard, to seek so hard, before feeling it deep within. Because I know it's there, surrounding me all the time. It's something in me that's blocking it. And I'm working on identifying that and breaking that down.

Still, the times when I start to feel that stirring in my spirit - which if you've experienced it you know exactly what I'm talking about - seem to always be when I'm listening to music that is focused on God's love for us. For me. Another song that seems to move me every time is Broken Vessels. I keep saying I feel blocked in some ways when it comes to going deeper in my relationship with God, and I think it's because I'm not totally able to accept and feel that love for some reason. So that's where my focus is. And what's working for me is finding some quiet time (which is so hard to come by in this season of my life) and listening to the songs that sing of God's love.

I sometimes feel ridiculous asking questions at the end of a post, because I've been away from this blog for so long that there's a chance no one is reading - but I'm genuinely curious. If you're a believer, is feeling love from God a struggle for you? Or does it seem to just happen organically? If it is a struggle, how have you worked through it? I would love to hear about other people's experiences.

Waiting

In my life right now, it seems like messages keep getting almost thrown in my face, over and over, until I'm like "Okay God, I get it...THIS is what I need to hear right now". It's really been a kind of crazy and amazing time, and I feel like I'm learning a lot and my eyes are being opened to new ways of thinking all the time. 

When I first started this whole pursuing God thing a couple of months ago, it was like I was on a rocket ship that launched and crazy things were happening almost every day. I was making connections, I was learning things - it really felt like something almost amazing happened every single day. And then, it slowed down. I started getting busy, I started getting antsy, and the "oh wow what is happening" moments tapered off. 

I've always heard people talk about God speaking to them, but just assumed that wasn't something that would happen to me. But a couple of times lately I have "heard" from God. Things that I know don't come from my own mind will hit me so hard, and I know it's God guiding me. I've also had a few people say similar things to me about the phase of life that I'm in, enough to know that it's right. 

And that phase seems to be one of waiting. Of studying, of learning, of gaining knowledge. Of seeking a relationship with God, of getting to know Him on a deeper level, of truly learning what it is to spend time in prayer, listening rather than rambling on. 

Today, I keep hearing the message of waiting. An incredibly sweet woman that I met with earlier today, that I learned so, so much from, was sharing her own story of learning to wait, and when she said that sometimes God wants us to wait, that there are seasons of waiting, that He delights in us waiting - oh man, it hit me SO hard. I knew at that moment that I was supposed to hear that, and to take it in. Then this evening I was listening to this weeks Mom Struggling Well episode, and the main thing the guest spoke about was waiting. Absolutely one of those, "Okay, I hear you God!" kind of days. 

So my busy-busy, have-to-be-doing-all-the-time self is about to learn how to wait. One of the things I feel that I've heard from God is that I need to spend time in the Bible, which is something I have honestly never, ever done before. So my plan now (you know I've gotta have a plan) is to sit, be still, study, learn, and wait. Even though I am quite positive it won't be easy, one thing I am learning is that if God is guiding me to do something, it will absolutely be worth it in the end. 

Man, you guys. I just really can't wait to see where things go from here. Even though this may be a "slow" season, a season of waiting, I know I am going to grow and learn so much, and the thought of it excites me. 

How about you? Are you in a certain season of life that you find challenging? And if so, how do you cope with that? I would love to hear some feedback from you! 

Your Story

Have you ever tried to write down your story? Like, the story of who you are and why you are the way you are, and the people who played a part in shaping you into this fully-formed human that you've become? Well, as of last week, I have. And let me tell you, it isn't easy.

The table of ladies that I sit with at bible study have decided to share our stories - our stories of who we are and how we've come to the place that we are with God. Instead of finding a time to do this in person, because that would take an insane amount of time, we've decided to share them in our private Facebook group. So I'm now faced with the task of summarizing my entire life basically into a few paragraphs.

These women have no idea what they got themselves into, because I am certainly not one for brevity. I am allll about the details, and I have a hard time holding back. I'm kind of an open book, which can be good and bad. So when I sat down to try and sum up 31 years of life, man - it was tough.

It also made me look a bit closer at some of the things in my past that I rarely think about anymore. The people who have hurt me. The reasons I stayed away from church for so long. The intense dislike I had for everything related to Christianity for so many years, and the feelings behind that. I started to remember details that I think I'd suppressed. It caused me to peek into some moments in my life that make me feel a little nauseous when I think about them.

But it also made me feel so incredibly grateful. So grateful for the upbringing that I had, the morals that were instilled, the security that I have always had knowing how loved and cherished I am. It made me grateful for the hard lessons that I've had to learn, for the painful challenges that I've overcome. It let me see that even when I had completely turned my back on God, that He was right there. I have no doubt that He has guided my steps throughout my life. Every little thing that I've experienced has taught me something in some way. The hardest things that I swore would actually kill me at the time - I learned SO many incredible lessons from them. It was all worth it. It led me to this place.

Even though my husband and I have not been seeking God throughout our relationship, I know for a fact that God has been guiding us. And to be honest, it's mainly me that has not been seeking Him. My husband has an unshakeable faith, and prays on a regular basis and has always felt that everything happens for a reason. I have been the doubter, the pessimist, the one who at times felt hopeless. His faith has honestly helped to carry me through over the years.

But now that I'm on this path of seeking God and His will for my life, I can so clearly see that my past has had a great purpose. I don't know how it will be used, but I know that there are parts of my story that will help others. There are other women out there who can absolutely relate to the things that brought me to this point. My story is my own, it is unique and beautiful and hard and sad and full of joy, all at once.

If you haven't ever taken the time to write down your own story, I highly encourage it. It honestly felt a bit like a therapy session, combing through all of the details and making note of the ones that influenced me the most. Self discovery and reflection seems to be a big part of this faith journey, at least for me, but I must say that it has been incredibly enlightening and healing in many ways.

Insecurities in Faith

I recently posted about how I've had a lot of strange God things going on in my life. Since then, things have still been happening, and I've been leaning in pretty heavily into that area. I've joined a bible study, I've been going to church every weekend, and in my "free time" (hahahaha yeah right) I've been doing a lot of thinking, praying, studying, etc.

I was talking to my husband earlier today, asking if in his church they believe in getting saved the way that we typically do in all of the churches I've been involved in. For them, it's more about being baptized as a baby and dedicated to the Lord rather than making a conscious decision when you're older. Anyway, I was explaining to him a bit about what being saved typically means, and I said even though I was "saved" when I was younger, the heart change that I've had recently feels more significant than anything I've ever experienced, even in my most heavily involved and dedicated times in my life. Something is just different this time, deep within my soul.

I know that this is the path that I'm meant to be going down. I know that this is right for me right now. I can't explain what changed, because nothing really did. Just all of the sudden, everything is different. I feel different. I look at things differently. I want to do different things and pursue different passions. For some reason, God decided now is the time for me and it's like he reached down into my heart and set it on fire. That's the only way I can think to explain the difference.

Even though I know that this is right, this is what's meant to be happening, I am struggling with some serious insecurities. I feel like I've been led to get heavily involved in the church I attend, and to take on a leadership role in MOPS - and all I can think lately is "Who are you to do any of this? You are SO very HIGHLY unqualified." Because let's be honest. I am so very very unqualified.

I can't quote scriptures. Literally could not quote you one single scripture. I don't know the stories of the bible, who important biblical figures are. I'm not comfortable praying for others - I mean, I JUST started praying again a few weeks ago. I don't know the lingo, I don't know the correct terminology. I listen to the women in my bible study and read these books and watch these videos and I just think, man - how will I ever catch up? I have been out of this world for so so long, how do I make up for 12 years that I've done nothing to further my knowledge, to further my faith?

I realize that this is the time when people tell me that it's the enemy telling me these things. In my head I acknowledge that it probably is - but that doesn't really help all that much. I'm doing my best to learn and soak it all in, but dang it's hard with two little kids! I seriously only get an hour or two to myself every day after the boys are both in bed, and once I've cleaned up the house and done what I "need" to do, there's just so very little time to devote to furthering my knowledge.

I'm sure it will get easier as time goes on, and I'm trying not to dwell. Everyone has their strengths, and quoting scripture and relating every day occurrences back to the bible certainly is not mine. I'm curious though - for any of you that are practicing Christians, did you ever have a time like this? Are you someone who was raised in church and therefore has always had that foundation, or did you have these insecurities early on in your relationship with God? I guess I'm just hoping that someone out there will say "You're not alone! I've been there!" - I need all the encouragement I can get on this new path I'm going down!

Thankless

Becoming a mother is the single greatest thing I have ever done in my life. It is also the hardest, most challenging, most frustrating, most absolutely thankless thing I have ever done, ever.

I love my boys. Love them more than anything in the entire world times infinity. I'm sure every mother out there feels the same. But my goodness, the days can feel long. My goodness, I feel so very alone sometimes. My goodness, it sure would be nice if at the end of the day they said "Thank you mommy for working so hard to take care of us!". But they won't. I mean, they're almost-three and four months, so they wouldn't even think to do that. But in reality, they may never say that.

My husband has a job where people are constantly telling him how awesome he is. And he is, so that's good that they acknowledge it. He's getting promoted, getting raises, getting emails from big-wigs in the company congratulating him on things - and it is absolutely filling him up. He loves his job, he loves the recognition, and rightfully so. He works hard. So insanely hard, like ridiculous hours into the night and on weekends and early mornings and basically nonstop. But he is so very appreciated and praised.

A mothers job, whether she's a SAHM or a working mom or a mom who works part time or any variation, never ends. You are never, ever off the clock. Ever. When you're sleeping, when you're away from home, when you're sick. You are on call, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year. If a kid gets sick, they want mommy. If they are hurt, mommy. If they are mad, mommy. Mommy gets it all, the good and the bad. And it's awesome. But it is oh-so-insanely-make-you-want-to-cry exhausting. Just tonight, I got the kids to bed, got to spend approximately ten minutes with my husband, and then HE accidentally woke Gavin up. And of course, I got to be the one to deal with it, because when a baby wakes up he doesn't want daddy, he wants mommy. And I cried. I shushed and rocked and bounced and cried and cried. Because mommy just wants a couple of hours at the end of the day for her. But she very rarely gets those hours.

And this is a season, I know that. I know that tiny babies and toddlers are the neediest of the needy, and I know that some day I will miss being needed this way, I know. And I do cherish the moments, I do - well, not all of them. But most of them, I do. But sometimes it just feels so very thankless. Is anyone noticing what I'm doing? Does anyone see the hard work I'm putting in? The hours upon hours upon hours of diaper changes and breastfeeding and handing out snacks and reading books and disciplining and dealing with tantrums and bedtimes and potty breaks and on and on. It literally never, ever ends. And there is no acknowledgment. There is no big raise, no pat on the back, no "job well done" or "we couldn't do this without you". And it can be hard. And frustrating. And overwhelming.

But something that I'm beginning to remind myself, or something I feel I'm being reminded of, rather, in my crazy new world that I'm living in, is - God sees it. He sees it, and he appreciates it. He loves it. He made me for this, for this hard, hard job that I'm doing. No, I don't think being a mom is my purpose or my calling necessarily, but I do know that these sweet babies are meant to be mine and I'm meant to be theirs. I know that God put them here in my hands to raise and love and teach and lead in the right direction so that they will be amazing men someday. And I know that he is there with me in the hardest of the hard times, and I'm learning that if I just turn to him for a moment and ask for help, that he will. Tonight, when I was so angry that A unintentionally woke up the baby and that my precious alone time was being stolen away - I was actually seething I was so angry, and the tears were just flowing - I just said a simple little prayer asking for help, saying God I'm just so tired, I'm just so done, I just need a tiny break, just a little break, please. And almost immediately the anger was gone. Almost immediately, Gavin settled into sleep. Almost immediately I was able to lay him down and go back to my precious, precious alone time. Oh you guys, the lessons I'm learning. They are so valuable, and so needed.

I hope this resonates with someone who needs to hear it. Because it can all be so very hard, but what we're doing, it's not for nothing. It's so worth it, even when it doesn't feel like it.

God Things

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Life can be really, really funny sometimes. Not necessarily funny haha, but funny like what on earth is going on...and that's kind of how my life is right now. There is so so so so much background to what's going on that I won't get into right now, but basically, some weird God stuff is going on in my life and it is blowing my mind.

This probably isn't something that anyone would notice, but I have most likely never, ever mentioned God on this blog before. That's because for the past almost 13 years I have had basically nothing to do with God, with Christianity, or with anything relating to either of those things. In a former life I was very into the whole God/Church thing for quite some time, and then - I wasn't. Some things happened that made me very bitter and hurt me a lot, and I pretty much turned my back on all of it.

One of the things that hurt me the most was just the hypocrisy of so many "church people". I knew that I never, ever wanted to be associated with that in any way. So I decided at the age of 18 that if I was ever going to be a Christian again, I would be all in. Until that point, I just didn't need it. And I have lived a very, very happy and content life all these years without any acknowledgment of God.

Of course this kind of freaked A out, because he just has this unwavering faith, and he couldn't understand my aversion. I would say it wasn't necessarily that I didn't believe in God, but I just wasn't totally sure and didn't feel like I needed that in my life. My mom is another person who tried many, many times to talk with me about things, but I always just said that until I felt like something was missing from my life, I had no desire to pursue that. And honestly, I have been perfectly, completely happy without it.

But over the past couple of months some interesting things have been happening. For one, I've been involved with the MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) group at a local church for the past two years. Quite honestly, I did it just because a friend was and kind of rolled my eyes at the Christianity side of it. But suddenly, a couple of months ago, I had the intense desire to volunteer to be a table leader next year. Hmm. OK, that's kind of strange since being a leader at a church thing probably requires some kind of faith - but I went with it and volunteered. I also very randomly one day went online to search for ways to get involved in the church and found a women's bible study I wanted to join. Umm, what? Seriously, it's like something was taking over my brain/body and I would do these things and then kind of wake up and realize what I'd done later.

I also decided that I wanted to start going to the church where we go to MOPS. I talked with A about it, and we decided to try it out. He has never really been to a non-denominational church since he has always attended the Armenian church here in Dallas, but he was open to trying it out. We went a few Sundays ago, and the message seemed like it was made for A - it was about taking the time to rest, that you shouldn't work 24 hours a day, God made you to work but he also made you to rest, and so on. Since I haven't been blogging really I haven't posted about this, but A is basically advancing like crazy at work, and he is working nonstop. Non. Stop. He asked if I knew what the message was beforehand because it was so crazy how much he related to it. Then they also did communion, which let him see that even though the church may not be as traditional as what he's used to, they still have traditions that are important to him. So I felt like us being there that day was kind of a "meant to be" thing since he went in a little skeptical.

I've also been having just a lot of clarity on issues that I've always struggled with in life. For seriously the past twenty years I have felt like I have some greater purpose. I've never known what it is, but I've had feelings about certain things. The problem is, it's always seemed so far out of the realm of possibility, and also, there are way too many things that I have an interest in to choose which to pursue. I want to do this and that and this and that, and it becomes overwhelming so I just don't do anything. At all. I've felt almost like I've been stalled in this area of my life, and I couldn't figure out a way to get out of the cycle of dreaming so many dreams and being almost paralyzed when it comes to chasing them. I sat down the other day and started brainstorming, and things just started coming to me. Idea after idea, and all of the sudden I felt like I had the answer: I don't have to choose. I can pursue them all. Every single dream, every single idea that has been with me for all these years, I can do it. I honestly never even felt that was an option before because it felt too big. But suddenly it just seemed like that was the answer. So I've been working on things that before I thought were out of my reach.

And then. The craziest thing happened. I somehow stumbled upon this podcast Mom Struggling Well. Can't remember how. And I'm not so sure that I realized that it was a Christian podcast. But as I was driving around last Thursday while the kids slept (which is the only way Grayson will nap nowadays) I started listening to episode one. And I was so incredibly touched by what I heard that I immediately went on Instagram and searched for the woman who was interviewed that episode. I found her page, and the photo that she had most recently posted was of her in the Nashville airport, headed to Dallas for a women's conference called Hope Spoken. Now, I had heard of this conference before because I have followed one of the women who started the conference on social media for years. But I never felt like it was something I should go to because it was for Christian women - aka, very much NOT me. But Thursday I commented on her post and said something about how I had just heard her story on Mom Struggling Well and was so touched, and wished I had gotten a ticket to the conference. Almost immediately she commented back, as well as another sweet girl who said she heard people were still selling tickets. Then she tagged another girl who had a ticket for sale. And within about an hour I had contacted this other girl, talked to A, talked to my mom, and made arrangements for me to attend this Christian women's conference that I had NO business being at.

So I went. Alone. To a conference full of HUNDREDS of Christian women. So. Out. Of. My. Comfort. Zone. But I just knew I needed to be there. And man, did I need to be there. It was amazing. I met so many amazing women. I  heard so many heartfelt, inspiring stories. I realized how insanely out of the Christian loop I have been, because I didn't know any of the praise and worship songs, didn't know any of the authors or books or movies they were talking about. But to be in a place where I should have felt so out of place, I have never felt more welcomed. I have never felt like I absolutely knew I was where I needed to be. I have never had such inspiring conversations and felt just such a - I'm actually not sure what it was. It just felt pure. It didn't have any of the yucky, icky, just all around grossness that I've associated with Christianity for so long. It opened my eyes to SO much. It let me see that these hundreds of Christian women were just like me with a little Jesus sprinkled in there. They were laughing and joking and sarcastic and sometimes saying "bad" things and drinking wine on break. It blew my mind. It was just so, so, exactly what I needed.

And now? Things just feel different. It's so funny. Just like I said before, life is funny. I'm praying more often. I'm listening to Christian music, which seriously would have made me sick to my stomach a couple of weeks ago. I'm finding that I'm more patient with Grayson, that I'm happier - like, from within, not just like surface happy. Things just feel lighter, if that makes sense. Someone that I was talking with today said that I'm in what they like to call the sweet spot. Things are just flowing and working out and it's just like God is making things happen. If you would have told me even two or three weeks ago that I would be writing a blog post about God stuff I would have said you are CRAZY. And it all does feel a little crazy. But it also feels very right. I never actually thought I would get to this place in life again, but it looks like I almost have no choice! Things are just happening and I feel like I'm along for some kind of crazy ride. And I have to say, I'm actually excited to see where it takes me.